Feast of Sekhmet & The End of 2014

Talk about packing a lot of spiritual stuff into the very last day of 2014.

I completed my Tabula Rasa (Latin for “clean slate”) ritual today. I had already done the major leg work of reviewing the past year’s highs and lows. All in all 2014 was a pretty positive year. I like reviewing it all because it puts everything into perspective. The negative tends to really stand out in my memory, but this brings back all the good that was present to, that sometimes gets over looked. After all, isn’t it more fun to wallow in misery? *chuckles*

The final part of the Tabula Rasa ritual is the year ahead Tarot spread. Normally, in the past, I would use my Medicine Cards, as I tend to bond better with animals/totems than traditional Tarot. But I got a new deck a few months back that I just adore – the Gilded Tarot. So I used that, and this is honestly the clearest Tarot reading I’ve ever had. The next year is a year of Accomplishment and Doing, and that completely lines up with my own goals, my totem I’ve picked for the year, and my Word.

AND on top of all of that, this is also the final Feast Day of Sekhmet, so that had to be honored as well. She’s been piping up more and more (along with other deities/entities/totems) and I’m just loving that sense of reconnection.

My altar for this final Holy Day:

Obviously, the red and the garnets are sacred to Sekhmet. The incense is cinnamon, which She’s expressed a preference for. Present are the three Sekhmet statues I currently own. The white lions are symbolic of Her. And the alcohol? She laid claim to those as soon as I saw them. We’ll share the tequila later on tonight. The Goldschlager has been promised to Her later on in the year. She’ll let me know when She’s ready to claim it.

And for fun, a photo of me in ritual attire:

A beautiful red kimono robe with golden flames made for me by Jen. And a beautiful, fancy garnet necklace I bought ages ago and just remembered I had.

Jurassic Quest

My mom is the one that tipped me off about Jurassic Quest. And they were coming to San Angelo (fairly close to where she lives) on December 13th and 14th.

Me, being the huge dino fan, knew I just had to go.

What surprised me is that David tagged along. It was his first weekend off after having the tech pager (being 100% on-call 24/7 for an entire week), but it turned out to be quite a bit of fun.

Walking in, we just happened to time it perfectly to see this guy out and about:

 

Seriously, if we win the lottery, I’m totally getting a dinosaur suit made. It will be the most awesome Halloween costume EVER.

David, me, and an Albertosaurus (not to scale). David was busy scoping out the Triceratops.

This guy didn’t have a placard so I’m not sure the species.

Tyrannosaurus Rex and Giganotosaurus.

All in all, it was definitely more geared to the 10 and under crowd, but still pretty cool. :)

Pets & Santa

Managed to get this year’s photos of the pets with Santa done today. I hate pushing it to the very last moment, but you do what you gotta do.

Santa (who had a phobia of snakes) and Leviathan. We didn’t completely win him over, but it was the first time he’s ever handled a snake and was impressed with how calm (and big) she was.

Santa and Holly

HR Update

So I finally grew a pair and called HR about my boss and his abusive ways.

They asked if I felt comfortable talking to our district manager about it, and I hesitantly replied that if that’s what they wanted me to do, I’d do it. But I told them that she behaves as though the sun rises and sets on our boss.

I will have a “Conflict Resolution Technician” call me sometime next week to see how this is evolving. *laughs* God, I just adore the corporate naming game.

Bayley, one of my shift managers, told me today that Kelly (District Manager) came in on Saturday to talk to Darrell (store manager) and Bayley over heard part of it.

Basically, Kelly told Darrell that she’s gotten too many complaints about him recently.....even though she knows they are utter bullshit.

Direct quote there from what Bayley heard.

So. Um. Yeah. I won’t be calling her.

I’ll call HR again, and let them know this is what District Boss said and that I’m no longer comfortable bringing this up to her.

*sighs*

I really want to quit, but it’s kind of interesting to see how this evolves.

Photos of Family

I have so much to write about and just no desire to type out the words.
So instead, here’s some photos!

My brother, my lil nephew, and my Grandmother Thanksgiving week:

A photo my brother sent me from when he was out hunting. He said the squirrel kept trying to figure out exactly what my brother was:

And my sister-in-law just sent me these photos of Lil Nephew’s first visit to the Zoo!

LOVE this photo of my brother with Lil Nephew. It so accurately captures how enthralled my brother is with his son:

Lil Nephew checking out a zebra, that is also checking him out:

Happy family:

And this accurately captures just how alert Lil Nephew is. Those huge blue eyes don’t miss a THING:

Hopefully Bro or Sis-in-Law will send the photos they took of me with Lil Nephew over Thanksgiving. :) He is such a cutie.

Rattling Cages is Pretty Stupid

I’m going to be a bad employee tomorrow. I’m doing a no-call, no-show. Though technically I turned in my time off request for Sunday and Monday MONTHS ago. My boss just claims he never got them.

Just like he claims he didn’t my time off request for the week of Thanksgiving either. Which is total bull shit because we even talked about it when I handed him the paper stating such.

I’m just tired of fighting this abusive, screaming, belittling temper tantrums he has on a daily basis. *shakes her head*

He seriously almost got into a fist fight with the delivery guy last Tuesday. His screaming got to the point that the shift manager at the time was seconds away from calling the police.

Monday, I’m calling HR and lodging a formal compliant.

When I reminded him that I was supposed to have this week off, he threw his papers across his desk, stood up while shouting how incompetent I am, and took a menacing step towards me.

I’m proud of myself that I automatically went into my fight stance when he threatened me. I think it shocked the shit out of him because I was completely ready to drop him and then walk out. He paused mid-rant to look at my fist that was cocked and ready to go. I calmly told him that I refused to tolerate anyone speaking to me the way he was and suggested that we continue the conversation once he was calm and rational once more. And I walked away to continue my job.

I really want to complete a full year there.
And honestly, I absolutely adore my co-workers, so I have no desire to leave. Other than the absolute shit way Darrell treats ALL of us. I’m not special here in this treatment. Every single one of us has some horror story similar or WORSE than my most recent run-in with him.

Hell, I even thought of just putting in for a transfer. We have TONS of stores in the area. But to do so....yeah, I would have to ask Darrell first. And then HE decides if he’s ok with that. And THEN HE gives a review of my performance to the store I want to transfer to. And apparently, he’s known for giving such shitty reviews that no one will take us. So yeah, he has all that power.

The man really has no idea the sleeping beast he’s fucking with right now.
I’m a hard worker. I’m steadfast and loyal and it takes a whole lot to rattle my cage.

But he’s doing it.

And he better prepare himself for the shit storm he’s about to incur.

Bursting at the Seams

With all the stress I’ve been encountering here recently, I’d gotten to the point where, even if the day wasn’t stressful, I was still on edge.

I was waiting for the next attack.
The next belittling.
The next temper tantrum.
All from my boss at Starbucks.
And why shouldn’t I expect it? I’ve received some combination of the above, THREE days in a roll this week.

But today. Today, I didn’t have to work at Starbucks. Today, I had my morning all to myself.

And the weather was beautiful. 50 degrees and clear, blue, ENDLESS Texas skies.

So I took Holly and I for a walk through our wooded trails.

The bird life was astounding. Flitting everywhere.
Squirrels romped in the fallen, crunch autumn leaves.
Lizards lounged in sunny spots on the sidewalk, blissed out by the warmth (it’s been down in the 30s for the past week or so).
Even butterflies were flittering around.

And best of all?

No humans.
That means, no thugs, no hobos, not even joggers that want to exchange “pleasantries” (which honestly, just piss me off).
I had the wooded areas, with all the nature bursting at the seems, and no people to TAINT it.

Holly’s not used to walking so much, so she really was dragging at the end. But it seemed perfect, as it forced me to also walk at a slower pace. To really draw out this magical time for myself.

And the stress? It’s gone. I’m at peace again.

Now, I know it won’t last forever. I will eventually have to go back to Starbucks – but lucky me, I have ALL of next week off. It was so worth the hissy fit it provoked.

Today's Adorable-ness

Isn’t my nephew just too stinkin’ cute?

Those massive blue eyes just kill me!
Can’t wait to finally get to meet this lil guy during Thanksgiving!

Goals for My Next Year

33 Goals for my 33rd Year

1. photograph and document my extensive feather collection

2. get a [special] feather for [an on-line buddy]  (info has been modified, as said buddy does have access to this blog, and I want this to be a BIG surprise)

3. move out of our current apartment

4. decorate altar for Sabbats and Esbats (and any other holy day, or just random day I feel

            like making an altar for)

5. learn to make delicious Madeleine's

6. return trip to Wolf Park

7. pay off Firestone credit card completely

8. read 50 books

9. attend a public Pagan ritual

10. take some form of self-defense class

11. complete the on-line Tarot Class

12. celebrate my 9th anniversary of being Self-Inflicted Harm free

13. take photos of hubby and I in the bluebonnets

14. visit a new-to-me Zoo/Sanctuary

15. see 4 movies in the movie theater

16. build a fort of pillows and blankets

17. make a small prepper kit for the car

18. learn how to sharpen knives

19. shoot a gun

20. meet an on-line buddy in person

21. put some lavender in my hair

22. deep clean both closets

23. purchase 2 new sets of sheets for my bed

24. get some sort of pillow/comfort foam for my bed

25. get an oil diffuser to aid sleep

26. get a tattoo

27. eat at 7 new-to-us restaurants

28. go to a DFW Herpetological Society meeting

29. make candles

30. complete 10 scrapbook pages in Leviathan's baby book

31. get all of the genealogy I have up on Ancestry.com and share with family members

32. purchase 6 new tops that are NOT t-shirts

33. send in a secret to Post Secret

7 Big/Chaos Goals

1. make and maintain 72-hour Bug Out Bags for myself and David

2. make and maintain 72-hour prep for our home

3. try out 27 new recipes

4. dinner with a friend every month

5. save $4k towards Polar Bear Trip

6. create 1 Mandala a week

7. go on a Vision Quest

Most Awesome Students Ever

No seriously. I have some of the most awesome students ever.

My 4th & 5th grade boys decided it would be the coolest thing EVER to go through lost and found and drag out all the pink, girly, kindergarten sweatshirts and wear them.

Freaking hilarious!

And then, they wanted to wear them for the rest of the day! * dies laughing *

Totally made this not-so-hot week so much better.

Animals

I am utterly in love with the song Animals by Maroon 5. And the video? *swoons*

Sure, I don’t like the fact that it’s promoting stalker behavior.

But I have to admit....there is something sexy seeing the lead singer smearing blood on himself. Maybe I’ve watched too much Dexter, and Vampire Diaries, and all the various horror movies. *chuckles* And maybe I’m just warped. I’m fine with that.

Lyrics to Animals
Baby I’m preying on you tonight
Hunt you down eat you alive
Just like animals
Animals
Like animals

Maybe you think that you can hide
I can smell your scent for miles
Just like animals
Animals
Like animals
Baby I’m

So what you trying to do to me
It’s like we can’t stop we’re enemies
But we get along when I’m inside you
You’re like a drug that’s killing me
I cut you out entirely
But I get so high when I’m inside you

Yeah you can start over you can run free
You can find other fish in the sea
You can pretend it’s meant to be
But you can’t stay away from me
I can still hear you making that sound
Taking me down rolling on the ground
You can pretend that it was me
But no

Baby I’m preying on you tonight
Hunt you down eat you alive
Just like animals
Animals
Like animals

Maybe you think that you can hide
I can smell your scent for miles
Just like animals
Animals
Like animals
Baby I’m

So if I run it’s not enough
You’re still in my head forever stuck
So you can do what you wanna do
I love your lies I’ll eat ‘em up
But don’t deny the animal
That comes alive when I’m inside you

Yeah you can start over you can run free
You can find other fish in the sea
You can pretend it’s meant to be
But you can’t stay away from me
I can still hear you making that sound
Taking me down rolling on the ground
You can pretend that it was me
But no

Baby I’m preying on you tonight
Hunt you down eat you alive
Just like animals
Animals
Like animals

Maybe you think that you can hide
I can smell your scent for miles
Just like animals
Animals
Like animals
Baby I’m

Don’t tell no lie, lie lie lie
You can’t deny, ny ny ny
The beast inside, side side side
Yeah yeah yeah

No girl don’t lie, lie lie lie
You can’t deny, ny ny ny
The beast inside, side side side
Yeah yeah yeah

Yo…
Woahh…
Woahh…
Just like animals
Animals
Like animals
Just like animals (yeahh…)
Animals (yeahh…)
Like animals (yeahh…)
Owwww

Baby I’m preying on you tonight
Hunt you down eat you alive
Just like animals
Animals
Like animals

Maybe you think that you can hide
I can smell your scent for miles
Just like animals
Animals
Like animals
Baby I’m

Don’t tell no lie, lie lie lie
You can’t deny, ny ny ny
The beast inside, side side side
Yeah yeah yeah

No girl don’t lie, lie lie lie
You can’t deny, ny ny ny
The beast inside, side side side
Yeah yeah yeah

Happy Halloween

Leviathan wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween!

I’ll celebrate Samhain later tonight. I’ll post photos of the altar afterwards. I really like how this one turned out.

Sweet Whispers in the Dark

The tiniest sliver of the moon hangings in the sky.
Close enough to the new moon to still hold sway.

I hate writing down intentions. I hate writing them down because they make me accountable.
And my personality just does not do accountable.
Hell, forcing me to be accountable is an almost fail-proof way of guaranteeing I won’t do it.

So these are just sweet whispers in the dark.

I am going to return to using the elliptical.

Not for some silly reason as to get into shape. Though that is a side effect.
Or to look better. Thought that is a side effect as well.

But because, I will be signing up for an intense 10 week long self-defense class that starts in January.
And I want to get every penny out of the $300 price-tag it carries. Not to mention that I’ll have to leave work early 10 Wednesdays in a row. And will be driving through rush hour traffic those days to get there.

If I’m not in shape, how good is this course going to do me?
I’m tired of being a victim. I’m tired of being scared.
I want to learn how to properly defend myself.
And step one is getting on that elliptical and getting my cardio up.

And I started today. It’s been ages since I’ve been on it. But this is something I want to accomplish.

*lifts head and looks around*

I’m trying my damnest not to jinx myself.
But I think....maybe the depression is gone. It’s been days since it’s been around....so just maybe my new tactic worked.
Now to catch up on all the various things I’ve STARTED in other journal entries, that I just haven’t had the time/desire to catch up on. * chuckles *

1. I need to start actively drilling Husband on how to deal with “emergencies”. I have no idea how he managed to survive 9 years in the military when he loses his frikkin’ mind over the fire issue we had a while back, or when the water started pouring out of our sink nozzle when I ran the dishwasher. It just shocks me at how much he totally panics. I guess with me dealing with children day in and day out, I’m more prepped for dealing with whatever life tossing my way in a calm manner (as you HAVE to remain calm when dealing with children).
   
2. In my entry “Chaos and Goals”, I was planning to roll the dice and see how many challenging goals I needed to make for this up coming year. I rolled a 7, so I’m working on that list of goals, plus tweaking the list of 33 goals. I’ll have those up on my birthday and then begin my damnest to knock each, and every single one down.
   
3. No I did not end up going to my Great Uncle Bob’s funeral. I had to work at Starbucks that morning, and I knew if I called out so I could go, it would royally screw over my coworkers. The next time I’m back home, I’ll visit his grave and pay my respects then.
   
4. Still going strong on the No Caffeine. I’m currently on day 11. Just 20 more days. And honestly, I don’t even crave it any more. As for why I gave it up, I asked a boon of the Harpies again to aid a friend (she and her dogs were viciously attacked by hunting dogs). This is twice now that I’ve asked for Their aid, but I had no clue what to offer Them in return. Well, They came back with, “give up caffeine for 31 days”. They also want an offering of coffee. I need to set that out in the woods for Them.
   

And that catches me up on that of THAT stuff. :)

Passenger

Depression is behaving nicer today.

I believe I’ve figured out how to work with it.
I’m not fighting it tooth and nail, attempting to suppress it. That only seems to make it stronger and last longer.
I’m not wallowing with it, eating a pint of ice cream, comparing woes like battle scars.
I’m polite and civil, like we are passengers on the same plane. We are here, together for a while, might as well make it work. Eventually, we’ll reach a destination where we part ways. And that is that.

Does it mean it isn’t sitting here in the room with me, whispering in my ear? No.
But when one merely exists with it, instead of engaging....that just might be the secret to winning this ongoing war......

Fashionably Late

Ah, hello there, Dear Depression.
I was wondering when you were going to show up.
Two solid weeks of mania…followed by a week or so of normal behavior/mood. I knew you’d show up eventually.
Though, I will admit, I had hoped the invitation had gotten lost in the mail.
Or else, you had forgotten where I lived.
But no. Just fashionably late.
Thanks.
~~~~~~~
All joking aside, it’s been nothing short of brutal today. Almost like it’s trying to make up for lost time!
All that self-injurious behavior that I thought I was finally getting past, surged up to the forefront today. No worries. I’ve removed the blades from my room, just in case.
And then even suicidal idealization popped up for a second or two. Damn, haven’t had that in ages.
I’m really off my game at the moment. The No Caffeine is still going. Though, I’ve amended it to Seriously Cutting Back because the withdraw headaches were no fun. But seriously, I’ve only had 2 cups of coffee in the past four days....where as, normally, I’d have 10 - 12 in that same amount of time. But I’m still pushing forward. I still want to do 31 days. I should really devote a whole entry to that, as there’s a spiritual aspect to it that I won’t talk about on Facebook. I’m being judged far enough currently, so there’s no reason to add fuel to that fire.

But for now, I’m just focusing on me. I’m drinking a glass of wine. I’m reading a book my Mom sent me because she said it reminded her of my writing style in my wolf story. And basically, I’m just hiding out for now, waiting for the cloud to lift.

Rawr

ART: “Anoush” Tribal Portrait
ARTIST: Alf Caruana

While I’m not a huge fan of Christopher Columbus (seriously, I’m NOT)… I AM a fan of school holidays! *laughs* And today just so happens to be one of those lovely school holidays.

I worked a 3 hour shift at Starbucks and was home by 10:30 am. The day was spread out before me and I reveled in the freedom to do whatever my lil heart desired.

Holly and I took a nice, chilly, WINDY walk through the wooded trails.
No thugs.
No homeless lady.
But no Monarch butterflies either.
I only saw one yesterday, so I guess they’ve finally moved on towards Mexico.

Before we went on our walk, I sprayed down my tub, toilet, and both sinks in my bathroom. This way they could soak before I came back to scrub them down. They look much better now.

Then I washed my sheets and remade my bed. And did a load of dishes. Still need to put those away.

Then I scampered off to Target. I needed a pumpkin, and picked up some smaller gourds. Hint: Expect some Halloween photos of Leviathan soon-ish. And I picked up some “Monster Coin” candy for my staff. It’s just a dollar for a small bundle, so I thought it would be nice of me to pick one up for each of them. And I picked up a bundle for David AND for myself. Because I’m awesome that way. Add a candle and a journal to the mix (because that’s just how I roll) and bam! I was out of Target.

Got home and chatted with an OLD friend. Seriously, I think the last time I saw him was in Jr. High. He and a high school buddy of mine are committed to walking the Appalachian Trail starting in February. That spun off into us talking Prepping.

After that, I took a delicious 2 hour nap, listening to the wind whip and race around the apartment building. It’s very gusty and colder than it was at 8 am this morning. THIS is what October is supposed to be like. Not 90+ degree weather! *laughs*

And now, I’m kicking back, relaxing, and waiting on my husband to get home.
Even though he’ll most likely be crabby as shit due to him being the tech on call this week (basically means he works 24/7 until Thursday).

RIP Uncle Bob

My great Uncle Bob passed away earlier today.
He was battling serious cancer and recent psychotic breaks (probably due to the cancer spreading to his brain).
The funeral is Sunday and I’m debating if I should make the trip home (3.5 hrs one way) or not.

Chaos and Goals

I have so much I want to accomplish.
I want to get out there and DO so many truly awesome things.
This world has so much to offer and I hate that I’m sitting here, not doing any of it.

It’s a yearly tradition of mine, that on my birthday, I make a list of goals I want to accomplish by my next birthday. One goal for every year old I am.

This year, I’ll be turning 33. So that’s 33 goals.
And me, I’ve already made a list of 33 goals.

But it’s a safe list, as I’ve focused more on setting goals that I have a very real possibility of completing. But I want MORE.

So I’ve got a new challenge. My first impulse was to simply toss the set of goals away and make some challenging goals. But I do like the goals I’ve already put down.

So let’s toss a little chaos into the mix. I’ve got my 33 Safe-And-Fairly-Attainable Goals listed. Tomorrow, when I get to work, I’ll roll 2 dice. Whatever number that is, I’ll make that many Challenging-Yet-Realist Goals to be accomplished. For instance, barring us winning the lottery, I know for a fact that I will not be able to go on my Polar Bear trip ($10k). Instead, a Challenging-Yet-Realistic Goal would to having my savings up to $4k. It wouldn’t be an easy challenge and life certainly seems to enjoy throwing me curve balls. But it’s time I really started applying myself and stretching myself beyond my cozy little comfort zone.

So, if Chaos is in for the fun of it, I could possibly end up with 12 Challenging Goals. Bare minimum I’m setting for myself is 6 minimum Goals, no matter if I only roll Snake Eyes. *chuckles* Actually, I think if I manage to roll Snake Eyes, I’ll set 12 Goals anyways. Because you know, it wasn’t Chaotic enough just yet.

I would say wish me luck, but luck and chaos seem to be different sides of the same coin.  Not sure what would be considered lucky in this instance.

So I'm simply wishing for the BEST OUTCOME FOR ME to occur, and leave it in Fates' hands.

Just Another Sunday Afternoon

I worked 7 am to 12:45 pm at Starbucks this morning. Not a terrible shift, but not all that fun to do with one’s early Sunday morning.

Dragged the Husband off to Twisted Root Burger Company, in high hopes of sampling an ELK burger.

Que stupid, idiotic I-35 traffic. A trip that SHOULD have taken a measly 12 minutes, took 36 minutes. *sighs*

And we get there…to realize, it’s SUNDAY FOOTBALL CRAP day. *grumbles* But we are troopers, damn it, and we’ve come so far!

Yeah, the only game meat they had available today was Bison and Deer. I’ve had a bison burger before (at the Texas Indian Festival years back)....and I flat out refuse to pay $14+ on venison, when my brother usually gets at LEAST one deer a year off our land.

We take a ninja back way home. Only took 15 minutes.

I took Holly (the dog) for a nice walk through the wooded trails and came back to nap.

But I was too sore to sleep (due to me getting a WILD hair up my ass about being able to play wall ball with my students on Friday – note to self : YOU ARE OLD). So I took a hot bath instead.

Then wandered out to the living room to nap on the couch. Dozed for an hour before the smoke alarms went off.

Grumbled at David for soldering in the apartment. Check outside....it’s the whole apartment building that’s sounding off. And I smell smoke.

I look down, and the very bottom neighbors’ porch is billowing out smoke and their fire sprinklers are dousing their porch. I bellow to David that he’s got to get Holly out of the apartment.

I calmly go to my room, pack up Leviathan (saying a prayer to All That Is Holy that she didn’t shit in my backpack), put on a bra, and head for the door.

David is packing up guitars.

Well, I’m friggin’ pissed at this point because he hasn’t done a damn thing to save Holly’s life. So I harness her up, at which time he takes over. Running around like a damn chicken with his head cut off.

Sometimes, I wish he was more of sociopath, like myself.

According to this website, Sociopaths are generally not a danger to the public, while Psychopaths have crossed the line into criminal behavior. Is it bad that I actually researched which term would be most appropriate for this situation?

Anyways, turns out the downstairs neighbors got the BRILLIANT idea of firing up their grill for the first time....on their porch....under said fire sprinkler.

So the firetruck arrives and they turn off the sprinkler and eventually the alarm too, and we all return home.

In other news, I’m cooking AGAIN.
No seriously. Generally I only cook a good meal maybe once a month.
I cooked my famous Parmesan Crusted Chicken plus corn and ranch style beans for us on Saturday night. And tonight, I’m making BBQ chicken.

There I go, being all domestic and shit.
Crap, hubby is going to start expecting this more often!

Mabon and the Inner Wolf

Blessed Mabon/Autumn Equinox (which was yesterday). Yeah, I’m a little late. Wasn’t really feeling it, but went ahead and held my lil ceremony and did a Tarot reading specifically for this Holy Day.

I’ll add in photos of my altar (rather liked how it turned out), and may or may not add in the Tarot reading. I’ve got the bare bones down (what card means what, and what the position means), but haven’t fleshed it out just yet. Hopefully I can get to that this week.

But I do like these new Tarot cards, which is unusual. Generally speaking, me and Tarot just do not get along. *shrugs* Maybe that is finally changing! That would be nice.

Still having a blast in my on-line Traditional Witchcraft group (as opposed to the neo-Wiccan groups). I feel more at home with them than I do with Wicca, as I do a lot of shadow/nocturnal work that most Wiccans would label as “black magic”. *shrugs* I don’t see it that way.

But then again, how many of them view Lucifer as a good guy?

And just to clarify, Lucifer and Satan and the Devil are not one and the same beings/creatures. I’ve had no dealings with Satan/Devil, so I can’t speak on that.

But Lucifer.....he’s interesting. May or may not delve more into that later.

And not to slam Wiccans there. I’m in an on-line Wiccan group, too. Shamanistic group as well. I just don’t have any desire to meet a group in person at this time. Heck, I can’t even get motivated to go to some of these self-defense groups I’ve seen on MeetUp.com just yet.

I’ll get there eventually.

I feel like I’m coming out of the shadows once more. Feeling more comfortable in my own skin. Even if I am avoiding eye contact like the plague. Not sure what’s going on there. But it is what it is. And I’m just rolling with it right now.

Autumn always does this to me. While others are shutting down and going into hibernation mode, I’m just waking up. I can feel the blood pumping in my heart and my veins. I feel so alive and strong. I feel the fur and fang and hear the fierce song of my own spirit in my ears once more. I want to run out under the sun and play in the woods.

Doesn’t help that I’m dreaming of Werewolves once more. * miles toothily*

Oh I wasn’t made for this human form.
I long for one more lupine in nature.

Plague & Serpents

Ugh. David gave me his plague last week and it’s STILL lingering on. It’s not as bad as it was originally, thank all that is holy! But still, it sucks.

Leviathan (my snake) shed on Friday (measuring in around 4 feet 9 inches), so she was finally able to go visit my students. And they just ADORED her. Seriously, best visit I’ve ever had with any group of students that I’ve taken Leviathan to visit. And this includes the parents!

Most of the time, adults are so set in their ways that if they have already decided they don’t like snakes, they just stick with that and that’s that. Which is fine. I certainly don’t force anyone to interact with Leviathan if they really don’t want to – and this extends to my students. I find that most children, if given the opportunity to view the snake and warm up to the idea of it not being scary, AND watching so many of their friends touch and handle the snake with obvious joy, then they will want to do the same in their own time. That’s how we’ve won so many people over. Now, I’m not saying that they then turn around and go get a snake as a pet, but at least they don’t hate snakes as much as they thought they did.

Now I’m seriously itching to get another snake....a bigger snake. * laughs * No worries though. I can’t do that in this apartment. I just do not have the room. But, if we ever get a house, I’m certainly getting a few more. I could see myself with three and being perfectly content with that.

I currently have Leviathan, an 8-year-old female lavender corn snake. I’d like to get a male Woma python. Not sure what the 3 snake would be just yet.

Sept 10th, 2014 Selfie

Harvest Moon

Blessed Harvest Moon

Here’s my altar for the Harvest Moon.

Happy Hatch-day

Today is my lil serpent child’s hatch day (can’t be a birth day as she wasn’t born…she hatched from an egg…hence hatch day).

Anyways, my lil girl, Leviathan, turns EIGHT years old today. Insane to think that I’ve had her this long. She certainly mellowed out with age and she’s just a doll to take to visit people. Like my students.

She hasn’t visited the school just yet. My students are just utter messes STILL, so I’m not bringing Leviathan up to be a part of that insanity. Once the students calm down and my program starts flowing better, then she’ll come visit. She really likes the students and I’d venture to say that about 90% of the students really like her too. :)

Wild Woman

I’m a Pagan. Very simple in my faith and spiritual practices. Sometimes these are not the same, nor even similar to those around me.

But there is a simple, timeless beauty to it.

My 18s

So I was talking to some of my 5th grade students about how old I feel. My first group of students I ever worked with will be turning 28 and 29 this year. Granted, I started working when I was 14 - 15 years old, so I’ve been in this game for quite some time now.

And one of my very quirky students (and whom I really do enjoy) pipped up that I couldn’t be that old. She went on to say, “Well, you don’t look that old. You look like you are in your 18s.”

I laughed and asked how long my 18s are supposed to last, because back when I was 18, you only got one year at that! *laughs*

Ray, a dear on-line friend, pipped in with the statement that I can make my 18s last as long as I can pull them off.

Apparently, I’m still going strong, some 14 years after! Not too shabby. *smiles*

Jumbles

Blah. Not overly in the mood to write anything of serious depth here. Just getting the basics out there.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. And for the first time in a while, I’m not exactly thrilled at the prospect. A number of my students that I really enjoyed will not be coming back (for a whole slew of good reasons), so I’m bummed about that.

I’m back to working 20+ hours at Starbucks. And while I’m thrilled about the money aspect of it, I’m honestly beginning to seriously hate working there.

Found out today, George, my absolute favorite Shift Manager at Starbucks, is being transferred to another store. Apparently her last day was Wednesday. Que total bummed-out-ness.

Hayley, one of my absolute favorite coworkers at Starbucks, got a job at the local University, and so yesterday was her last day. Add to the bummed-out-ness.

Just really feeling very “meh” about working for minimum wage now.

On the positive side, I’M AN AUNT NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, my lil nephew graced the world with his entrance on August 3rd.

Now anyone who knows me, knows I’m borderline anti-baby (actually, I don’t like humans under the younger than 2nd grade to be honest), but Carter (my lil nephew) is friggin’ adorable with some seriously HUGE blue eyes. I’ll post photos later.

My Sister-in-Law’s sister is going by “Auntie LaLa” (her name is Lauren). Gag me. I sure as hell am NOT going to be Auntie KelKel. Yeah, yeah, being a lil snarky there. I looked up what Aunt is in Ukrainian, but didn’t care for it. But one of my Romanian coworkers said Aunt in Romanian is Tanti (TAN-tee), and I really like that. Tanti Kelsey sounds just fine by me!

Almost killed my boss today (mostly accidental). He said I had to do this “Workplace Violence” training. And I was like “Uh, do you not know who I am? I’m violent enough. I don’t need any stinkin’ training!” And he died laughing. To clarify, turns out it’s “Workplace Violence Prevention“....not nearly as exciting.

I’ve been working with the Harpies (Greek Mythology) since my encounter with the Thugs in the Woods. I may or may not have set the Harpies upon them. But I did word the curse carefully. If they didn’t mean any harm, then only the fear they instilled in me would be visited upon them. But if they meant harm, the Harpies are to teach them a lesson. I said the same for the homeless lady. If she’s innocent, then no harm, no foul. But if not.... * shrugs * It will be taken care of. And there’s been no sign of them since that day. Which suits me just fine.

Thugs

Yesterday I was walking Holly through the wooded trails near our apartment, as I do almost every day. It's one of the highlights of my day. But not yesterday.

Yesterday, as I rounded the first bend where a relatively new picnic table has been put in, I stumbled across the new local homeless lady and three Black male teens (I'm guessing the youngest was about 14, while the oldest was 19...maybe 21). The two older males get up from the picnic table and the homeless lady looked really worried.

And thus begins the heckling.

Asking me if I had any money on me. Asking me if I had a phone on me. Asking me why I "ain't got no jewelry"? Was I a dyke? What type of dog did I have? What was her name? What's my name?

And all of this, while trailing not two feet behind me. I told them I wouldn't stop to chat, that I had things to do and just kept walking....while mentally going through my plan of attack, should it come down to that.

It was the oldest male that was the real danger. He was the one starting this. He was the one peppering me with questions, sizing me up. He was the one trailing not two feet behind me.

The second oldest was about four feet behind him, also sizing me up. But he wasn't actually engaging in the pestering, so his threat level to me at that point was lesser.

And the youngest hadn't even gotten up from the table, so he was not a threat at all at that point.

That is the most terrified I've ever been in my woods. It was the longest 40 feet I've ever walked. Once I came up out of the first part of the wooded trail, I crossed the street. At this point, normally, I would have entered the second part of the wooded trail, but I just couldn't take the chance that either they would follow me in there and finish what they started...or that there were more in that side.

So I followed the road back home and immediately called the police. I don't carry my phone on me when I walk because I don't want that distraction. But I sure as shit carry it now. I asked the cops to check on the homeless lady, in case she was a victim too.

But of course, by the time the cops got there, they were all long gone.

And what makes me the most angry about the whole situation, is that I didn't listen to my intuition.
I knew going down there was a bad idea once I spotted the teens. But I didn't want to be thought of as a racist if I turned around and walked back the way I came.

But you know what? I don't give a shit now. They can think I'm a racist all they want. I will do what I deem best to keep myself safe. And if some group gets all offended because I refuse to walk past a group of Black males in my woods again, they can fucking suck it. I will not put myself through that again just to try to prove that I'm an enlightened woman.

Fuck that. I'm a smart and cunning woman. I'm a survivor. And I will not sacrifice my personal safety to make others feel better about my motives.

So don't call me a racist because I don't trust young Black males now.
That's the face they showed me. I'm simply reacting in a manner to keep myself safe.

Leviathan's Hatch Day Card

Stationery Card

View the entire collection of cards.

Finally got Levaithan's hatch day cards made. I'm so terribly behind on this. Hopefully they'll arrive within a week and I stay well on top of the ball and get these addressed and mailed out as soon as I can.

Invitation from Spirit

Come to Me, O Daughter of my Heart
Come play in the woods with Us.

Let your hair fall unbound
adorn it with feathers and blossoms
as your heart desires

Let a smile dance
upon your lips
as it does upon your soul

Kick up your feet
feel the earth beneath
your soles

Reach out your hand
caress Us
through the natural world

Stretch out your saddened Spirit
feel the touch of Spirits upon it
and know that you are loved

Let the heat of the summer Sun
burn up all your sorrow and hatred

Let that splendid golden light
fill you to the brim
overflowing

THIS is transformation
dear, She Wolf
THIS is true freedom
little Daughter

Return,
and return again
as often as you
need.

All You Need Is Love?

I say bullshit.

A friend posted a comment about the suicide death of Robin Williams, stating that if she had one wish it would be "to show him how so many many people loved him." And gods, I'm just seeing red over this.

Obviously, from her unintentional insensitive comment, she's never stood on that edge, debating which way to tip the scales. She's never sat there with a razor blade to her wrist, trying to screw up the courage to finally end it. She's never sat there with the bottle of pills and a bottle of vodka, debating if she'll truly drown it all out this time. She's never put the rope around her neck and debated if she should kick out the stool.

And while I'm grateful (though a little shocked, to be honest), that there are people out there in the world that have never truly faced down that decision.....it just floors me that she (and others) think that if he just knew he was loved, it would have been all better.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Depression is a DISEASE. Simply having people who love you won't keep you safe from suicidal thoughts, behaviors, or success. True, with a good support network, you tend to get help sooner. But Mr. Williams was getting help. He knew the demons he was facing. And no one else...especially those who have never experienced those demons first hand....can ever truly understand what he was going through.

It just seemed like her comment, as well intended as it was meant, degrades the whole MENTAL ILLNESS aspect of it.

Would you have said the same thing if he had died of cancer? Really? Oh clearly, if he knew how many people loved him, he wouldn't have let the cancer win. *shakes her head in utter disgust*

June, July, and Aug 10th Photos

Whoops! Totally forgot to post my monthly selfies!

June 10th:  

Taken at my In-Laws' home.

July 10th:  

Me and my lion, Constantine.

Aug 10th:  

Happy World Lion Day!

Rage

I have too much rage built up inside of me.
Rage isn't a bad thing.

It's a tell-tale sign that something is not right. An action needs to be taken.

But I'm sitting here, smoldering, simmering, the rage boiling just below the surface.

I need to take action. I'm just floating here through this life, bored out of my mind. And yet....too lazy to truly do something about it.

No wolf am I currently, but a fat dog instead.
No lioness lean from the hunt am I, but a fat, well-fed housecat.
No harpy eagle hunting monkeys and sloths on the wing......just a sparrow, terrified of my own shadow.

That'll Teach Me

Leave it to my unconventional Gods to find an unconventional way of taking the blood sacrifice I was simply toying with as an idea.

Sometimes it is NOT a good thing for the Gods to hear every lil thought that runs through one's head!

So yeah, I was toying with the idea of making a blood sacrifice in an attempt to rid myself of this lingering depression that just won't go away. As I was walking my dog through the wooded trails, I spotted a LARGE turtle, pointed towards the road. Now there's a little creek on the other side of the road, but this road has some steep curbs that turtles have a VERY hard time conquering.

So, as my grandmother taught me ages ago, and that I still do to this day, I decided to help this turtle across the road.

But, there is a small thicket between me and said turtle. So I tie Holly (the dog) to a tree and begin slowly attempting to navigate through the underbrush. It was only once I was truly committed to this idea that the brambles showed up.

Well, I wasn't going to let some thorny vines stand between me and my soon-to-be-rescued turtle, so I pushed through. And have a few good scratches, that drew blood, for my troubles.

Turns out, it's a dead turtle. Been dead for a while. And I couldn't help but just laugh.

I made the offer. I just didn't realize the Gods would be so swift in taking me up on it.

Day 5 of 30 Day Challenge

1. our almost-daily treat of getting Starbucks in the evening, when we are both finally home from work. It's a nice way to celebrate that the workday is over and that we again were successful in not slaying any of our coworkers and/or customers.
2. walking the wooded trails near the apartment, even if I don't do this nearly often enough.
3. vegging out after work, watching the Vampire Diaries. All sorts of angst and drama that can only occur in high school.
4. a glass of wine and a smoke on my balcony each evening before I head to bed. It's a nice way to unwind.
5. exotic feathers from a friend in Germany. I can't even begin to explain how giddy they make me.

Day 4 of 30 Day Challenge

1. Don't get a credit card at 18. Wait until you are at least 20. You think you'll be smart about it, but trust me, it will take YEARS to pay off all that crap. So not worth it.
2. Live up high school. It's certainly not going to be the Be All End All that some people make it out to be, but it can be quite a bit of fun.
3. Take more photos. Get those cheap, disposable cameras and have fun with your friends.
4. Be less domineering with Jeremy -- he is a good guy and totally head-over-heels in love with you.
5. Go ahead and make a clean break with Dad so you can start moving on sooner. And know that his lack of attention speaks about HIM.....not YOU.
6. Understand that there is a whole world out there that will love you for exactly who you are. So be yourself and tell the small-minded people to fuck off. After all, after high school, you won't speak with 98% of them ever again anyways. So why let their opinions matter?
7. Your Mom is awesome. Cut her some slack.
8. Spend more time with Pop -- you only have 3 more years with him.
9. Spend more time with Fwing -- that brilliant mind of hers will fade drastically.
10. You have bipolar depression. Don't be so afraid to seek help in the dark times. You'll weather each storm, but it's easier with help.

Day 3 of 30 Day Challenge

My Mom and I are very close. She loves me unconditionally and I know she's got my back no matter what.

My Father -- there is no relationship. He chose to play a very small role in my life and I finally severed it completely in my 20s.

Day 2 of 30 Day Challenge

1. Fear Of Losing My Mind
I am bipolar and have had very minor hallucinations before and so it's a large fear of mine that it will progress (even though there is no proof that it will/can) to the point that I would have to be institutionalized. This fear is a byproduct of how the general public reacts to mental health issues as a whole.

2. Large Crowds
Huge crowds make me go into panic attacks and I don't even have to be in the crowd for the tightness in my chest and shallow breathing to start. I was watching a National Geographic documentary on Mecca and the sheer horde of people on tv was enough to trigger the tightening in my chest. I couldn't imagine actually being there, in the press of so many people. This fear stems from the fact that while I believe people are generally good in their core as individuals for the most part, I don't trust mob mentality. People will do what is ultimately the best for their wants and desires.

3. Being a Victim
Assault, rape, robbery, kidnapping, murder -- these are things that are always in the back of my mind. Again, people are going to do what is best for them and sometimes that will be in direct opposition of what is best for ME. This fear arises from being a victim before and the desire to cut the risk of it happening again as much as I possibly can.

Day 1 of the 30 Day Challenge

1. Fruity Pebbles and Captain Crunch are my all time favorite cereals.
2. I've been Wiccan/Witch/Pagan longer now than I was Christian.
3. I love learning about religion, especially from the point of view of its believers.
4. I have a lavender corn snake, Leviathan, who is the total apple of my eye -- though, I'm not sure I'll get another snake when she passes on.
5. I am a country girl at heart, even though I doubt I could ever live in a small town again.
6. My all time favorite memory was going in with the wolves (socialized) at Wolf Park and it's a huge dream of mine to go back.
7. I completed my Vision Quest back in 2006.
8. I am a recovering cutter. I've been Self-Inflicted Injury free for 8.25 years now.
9. I'm bipolar, but currently not on any medication.
10. I'm a total Scorpio. I'd say 90% of my planets fall in the Scorpio house (had my natal chart done).
11. I adore animals and nature.
12. I wore a red dress for my wedding. And I looked damn good in it. * grins *
13. My husband picked out the dress!
14. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
15. I've been doing child care in some form since I was 14 years old.
16. I love art journaling.
17. I love photography.
18. I love werewolves in stories, but hate their movies. I hate vampires in stories, but love their movies.
19. As a child, my favorite movies were The Last Unicorn and Godzilla.
20. I still sleep with a stuffed animal -- a lion named Constantine.

Another Day in Paradise

Just another quiet day in paradise here at the Technology Job. Still at the Bolin Building. Still slowly cutting away at the mountains of computers that need to be re-imaged. Takes a little over an hour to re-image 16 machines. I will be doing this for the rest of the summer most likely. I only have 13 more days at this job. Crazy to think that in a month, it will be time for school to start up, which means I'll be back at ESD and Starbucks once more.

I am just about done with the Care One Credit debt solution program. I got the invoice for the last credit card I have in the program and there's only $600 left on it. Just two more payments and I'll be done with that one. Then I can turn all my attention to my very last credit card. As long as I am smart and aggressive, I should be able to square that very last card away in about three years. Man, it certainly was way more fun (not to mention, easier) to get INTO debt than it has been to get OUT. But I am getting out -- I can see the light at the end of the tunnel here. There is hope after all.
And with those debts squared away, nothing will be able to stand in my way of going on my Polar Bear Trip for my 40th birthday.

Well, the only thing I would willingly do that could keep me from that trip is if we bought a house. I would be totally ok with pushing back my Polar Bear Trip if we were able to finally get a house all of our own. That was be so awesome.

More and more I'm feeling the pull to go back to school. I'd get my Master's degree in Librarian Sciences. Maybe I could work in one of the local public schools. Or even in the various city libraries. It would be full time work and good pay. I'm just really tired of living off $20,000 (what I roughly make a year). Granted, my husband also contributes, but I want to make more so I can help our little family more. He certainly deserves that much....and so do I.

Negativity Realization

Here for a while, I left like there was something negative hanging around the apartment -- a negative spirit or entity that seemed to be dragging my husband and I down. I solicited opinions from others on how to banish this thing from our apartment and most of it was stuff I already knew. I smudged down the apartment and David came in at the end, all pissed off about something Holly had done on their little walk. So now I am beginning to suspect that all this negative energy is something WE have created!

Yes, the smudging and use of incense will help dissipate it.
Yes, setting up psychic shields and wards will limit its build up inside the apartment.

But, ultimately, it is up to US not to bring it inside the apartment in the first place. And it's up to US not to feed into it.

I know that I've become a very negative person lately. I always seem to be spoiling for a fight and relishing in conflict and I don't like that. Generally, I am a positive, witty, optimistic individual, always ready for a good laugh. Now, I look for conflict, fabricate conflict, and there's a crueler edge to my snarky comments and retorts.

So, here's a list of things I am choosing to do that will bring me back into balance:
1. meditation
2. personal care
3. walks with Holly
4. journaling
5.cut out all the damn CLUTTER in my room
6. interact with Leviathan
7. listen to Spiritual Music
8. photography
9. prayers/rituals

Change in Plans

Never fails. Set down plans and life comes along and throws me a curve ball.

I didn't get to go to the zoo today. A bucket in the highway yesterday took that off the agenda. I hit the bucket doing about 80 miles per hour and now my car is grumbling all about it. It's in the shop currently. Hopefully, it's just a cheap (relatively) and easy fix and not a whole new transmission.
So instead, I decided to purchase myself two books.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I've only read SIX books thus far this year. That's just terrible.

So I decided to pick up two books I've been eying for ages, but just never got around to actually purchasing.  
The Roebuck in the Thicket: An Anthology of the Robert Cochrane Witchcraft Tradition, by Evan John Jones, for some fresh new Pagan reading for myself.
AND  
Unicornis: On the History and Truth of the Unicorn, by Michael Greene, because it looks like an awesome book I read ages and ages ago. I'm hoping it's the same one. Either way, I didn't spend a whole lot on it, so I won't be too disappointed if it isn't.

Those should arrive in the next week or so.

I opted not to go to the Pagan group meeting on Tuesday. I had a migraine late Monday night / EARLY Tuesday morning that put me down for a quite some time. I was just starting to feel human again around 3 pm, so opted to just go ahead and stay home and rest so I could make it in to work the next morning.

And now, I'm debating if I even want to get involved with another Pagan group. I just wish there were groups in Lewisville, so I didn't have to drive a half hour one way to meet up with a group/coven/grove/circle.

An Awakening

I played hookie from the technology job today. The feeling of wanting to turn my skin inside out was just too strong. I needed a mental health day that was 100% to myself.

And today couldn't have been any better.

I took Holly for a walk through the wooded trails. It's probably been close to a month since the last time I ran my fingers over the various friend trees I have there, and whispered my personal greetings to each of them.

Each tree is an individual. It has a different energy, a different vibration to it. Man, have I missed them.

With Litha barely behind us, the animals are lazy and sluggish with the heat. Two squirrels slowly made their ways up the trees as we passed....neither climbing higher than my head. If I had wanted, I could have easily reached out and touch them.

A cottontail rabbit moved just enough so not to be seen by Holly, but we locked eyes for a bit. She gave me a wary look, practically begging me not to pursue her. It was hot and she had little desire to run. I honored her request and we moved along.

The red-tailed hawks are nesting in the woods. Mom cried for the father. Guess the little ones are hungry. Or maybe she was tired of sitting on the nest alone and simply wanted some company?

And now, there is a storm brewing. The thunder rumbles, barely aduible. But the wind. My god, the wind gusts and blows. This way and that way. The cotton fluffs of the cottonwood tree are spun in every direction. They must be so dizzy.

The storm promises a beautiful show of lightning and rain and thunder. I cannot wait.

I lit some incense, as I customarily do for the Thunder Beings. And was struck with the high desire to smudge down my apartment. Now my apartment feels cleared and smells so good.

I took the remaining incense out on the balcony. I set wards upon the door and my bedroom window, no evil may enter here.

It struck me as odd, as I'm usually very closeted about my religion, my faith, my beliefs. But here I was, tracing pentacles in incense smoke out in public, and I didn't even look around once to see if anyone was out and about. I thought to myself, Let them know a Witch lives here. I'm not afraid any more.

And I'm not.

I'm done hiding who I am. I done trying to fit in, to fit the mold. To not rock the boat.

Some may call me evil. Some may believe I worship the Devil. Some may truly fear me.

But that is all their own perception.

While I wish all could see the Light. That all could learn The Truth. I know it that is not my place to shear the sheep.

My Path lies in the Way of the Wolf, the Way of the Serpent, the Way of the Lioness.

Nature is my sanctuary and I need to remember that more often. I am a feral creature at heart, and need to return to the wilds to recharge.

Wanderlust

Can't shake the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my own skin at the moment. Started last night and I'd hoped that a good night's sleep would cure me of that. But it's still here.

That wanderlust is back so hard. Kind of crazy, considering I just got back from a major Road Trip that took me from Texas to Delaware and then back again. But now that I think about it, I really had to be very social (compared to my normal level of social-ness) on that entire trip. If nothing else, on the drive itself, I was with my husband cooped up in either the car or the hotel room 24/7.
I need something just for me right now.

Tuesday, I'm meeting up with a new group of Pagans/Witches. I'm reserve but have a small spark of hope that maybe they'll be a good fit. Since I've begun studying more and more of the Left-Hand Path, I'm realizing how little I honestly have in common with the standard Pagan. While I've begun to really doubt I'll find a coven that really resonates with me, I do hope that I can at least find a group that will be a good fit to hang out with from time to time and do Pagan things.

And then Friday, seeing as how I have it off of work for both the school technology job and Starbucks, I'm thinking I'll force myself to go to the zoo. I haven't been in ages, and I feel a bit of depression licking around my edges. I'm sure I'll try to talk myself out of going, but I'm going to batten down the hatches and go because I know it will be good for me. I'm hoping that it won't be too terribly crowded and I can just enjoy a nice, leisure pace, bond with my favorite animals there, and just do some photography again.

Disappear

Man, I just want to disappear for a bit. Walk into the woods somewhere with just a small tent and a sleeping bag and go off the grid for a week.

I know it's probably the impending MoonTime that is making me so anti-social. I'm just tired of dealing with all the people's bullshit, mind games, and petty temper-tantrums.

Maybe it's the headache talking. I haven't had one like this in a long time. Serious pain on the top front of my skull and the middle of the back of the skull (slightly above the bulbous curvature of the skull). The light and sound sensitivity. The nausea. And the fact that my standard headache pills took an hour to begin kicking in and even now, two and a half hours later, the dull ache in my skull is still not 100% gone.

Depression blanketed me today. I'm fucking 32 years old. What the hell have I accomplished with my life?

Don't mind me. I'm sure it will all be better in the morning once I sleep and leave this head-space behind. Hopefully, I'll leave the headache behind too. It's hard to be chipper when your head feels like its been slammed in a door.
Repeatedly.

Back

Back from our Crazy Ass Road Trip.
Drove from Texas to Delaware and then back again.
Covered 12 different states.
I'll write about it and share photos soon.

Crossroads

I find myself at a bit of a crossroads currently.

The local school district that operates my after-school program has a summer technology position open. They're responsible for moving computers onto various campuses and doing some basic programming. It's a Monday through Thursday gig, 7:30 am to 4:30 pm at $10 an hour.

I've got the job, even though I'll miss the first week of working.

The crossroads issue stems from the fact that I have no desire to work 36 hours for the school district and then another 12 or so hours with Starbucks. I have to work a minimum of 12 hours to keep my perks and possible benefits (even though I haven't signed up yet for any benefits through Starbucks). I could possibly cut back to just 6 - 8 hours a week at Starbucks, because this technology gig is just for the summer (June 9th through August 15th). I would need something to supplement that pay and once the school years starts up, I would want to continue working at Starbucks to supplement my after-school program pay.

And I need to have all of this figured out by Friday.

As I sat outside, talking with David about this whole situation and getting his opinion on it, a great horned owl flew over head. I haven't seen an owl in ages, and to have one fly by right as I'm discussing this. Well, I just don't believe in coincidences. I need to do some more thinking on this. I need to look into what owl may have been trying to tell me. And I am getting the pull to use my new Tarot cards on this situation too. Man, tomorrow is going to be busy, with me trying to get all of this figured out, and figuring out my summer employment, plus working at my two jobs. * sighs *

Is it vacation time yet?

100 Things I Want/Need to do this Summer

1. visit David's parents

2. see the Parthenon in Nashville

3. visit a zoo 4 times

4. talk to UNT about a Librarian Science degree

5. attend our Family Reunion (June 28th)

6. welcome my nephew into the world

7. begin a self-defense class

8. hang out with friends 3x (minimum)

9. trip to the public library

10. make candles

11. attend a Prepper meeting

12. feed a Gaboon Viper

13. continue my monthly selfie

14. watch a UFC event

15. celebrate Litha

16. celebrate the June full moon

17. celebrate the July full moon

18. celebrate Lammas

19. celebrate the August full moon

20. make Leviathan's hatch-day card

21. mail out Leviathan's hatch-day card

22. training for ESD (Aug 20 - 22)

23. try out 4 new recipes

24. curb spending

25. get comfortable on bar at Starbucks

26. go hunting for snakes

27. deep clean Leviathan's tank

28. buy another set of sheets for my bed

29. completely dust the living room

30. deep clean my Art Territory

31. deep clean bathroom

32. clean out both closets

33. make 3 crafts from Pinterest

34. get a hair cut

35. put some lavender in my hair

36. paint my toenails monthly

37. complete 3 big goals

38. finish the Vampire Diaries on Netflix

39. watch the fireworks on the 4th of July

40. take photos at the Family Reunion

41. make a photobook of the Family Reunion

42. make photobook of the Road Trip

43. cut back on caffeine

44. sell off 2 Zuni fetishes

45. deep clean altar and altar shelf

46. mount antlers

47. figure out where to hang them in my room

48. go swimming

49. get a tan

50. keep up-to-date with the Morning Pages

51. finish up current journal swap

52. plan David's birthday

53. starting planning 5th wedding anniversary

54. try 2 new places to eat

55. get 2 new polos for Starbucks

56. get 2 new pants/capris for Starbucks

57. get at least 1 new bra

58. get 3 new t-shirts

59. find out when the next Advanced R.A.D. is and plan to attend

60. meet up with an on-line buddy

61. attend a public Pagan ritual

62. write out my beliefs

63. continue researching Luciferianism

64. continue enjoying PostCrossing

65. send in a secret to PostSecret

66. daily walks with Holly as much as possible

67. roast marshmallows

68. see 2 movies in the movie theater

69. eat a hotdog

70. eat a snowcone

71. light sparklers

72. blow bubbles

73. take awesome, fun photos on the Road Trip

74. get fun photos with my students the last week of school

75. set up some plans for the next school year

76. build a fort

77. build my Prepper Binder

78. sexy time!

79. get a tan tattoo

80. dip my toes in the ocean

81. get a photo of it

82. make a cute gift basket for David's parents

83. learn how to use my camera remote

84. go a full day without using any computer

85. watch the fireflies

86. send postcards to friends

87. visit 2 new-to-me states

88. get a honeydew melon to share with Holly

89. get the technology summer job through the school district

90. get drunk one evening

91. cool beach photo of David & I to put in a beach-themed frame

92. make pancakes for dinner

93. enjoy an ice cream cone

94. read one of Kelley Armstrong's new books

95. browse through Half-Priced Books

96. learn a new braid or way to do my hair

97. try 1 facial/hair mask from Pinterest

98. finish the tv series Bitten

99. fire a gun

100. enjoy summer!

Photo Topic -- Military

In a photography group I've joined, once a week they have a photography prompt. This week's is Military.

I chose to photograph part of my husband's dress uniform.
While I'm extremely proud of him for the 8 years he did in Airborne Rangers (branch within the Army), I am so grateful that he isn't enlisted.

Creepy

My students have figured out that they can smoosh their faces onto the glass door and then move in different directions, completely changing their faces.

This is one of their favorites:


Yeah, because that ain't creepy at all. * shakes her head *

Survey stolen from fhqwhgads

1. White or red wine? white

2. Who was the last person you hugged? david

3. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? just a few coaches

4. Where did your first kiss take place? my closet

5. Do you prefer foxes or wolves? wolves

6. What is your shoe size? 10

7. Do you prefer fruit or vegetables? fruit

8. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? numerous times

9. Would you rather never fall in love again or never orgasm again? never fall in love again.  i'm fine with the man i love right now.

10. What does your outfit consist of today? t-shirt, undergarments, jeans

11. What are your pets' names? Leviathan and Holly

12. Are you a hypocrite? everyone's a hypocrite in some form or fashion

13. Why did you last cry? that time of the month and i was exhausted

14. What are your favourite smells? vanilla

15. What are your favourite textures? fur

16. Fur or feathers? fur

17. Tartan or tweed? tartan

18. Leopard print or neon? neither.

19. Someone abandons your friendship. What do you do? obsess for a while

20. What do you do with those you don't like? plot vicious things to say and/or do (that i will most likely never follow through on)

21. If you won a LOT of money the lottery and decided to move, where would you move to? I'd buy 200+ acres in the country and build my home dead center to give me a lot of space away from neighbors.

22. Alcoholic beverage of choice? baileys

23. What is more attractive: Nice hands or nice feet? gotta have nice hands.  though honestly, I'm a sucker for nice arms first and foremost.

24. What’s the youngest you would consider dating? 27

25. If you could meet friends and family in the afterlife, what would you do? catch up

26. Are thongs sexy? depends on the person wearing them.

27. Did you grow up in a healthy environment? no childhood is perfect.  mine was very good though.

28. What do you think of when I say “the twenties”? great fun time in my life

29. Could you ever deliver a baby? i'd prefer not to

30. Is penetration important to you? yes

31. What did your last text read? how have the kitties been?

32. Can you ride a bicycle? yes, though it's been ages since i have

33. What sport were you best at in high school? extreme sarcasm

34. Who do you miss right now? i don't really miss anyone currently

35. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? blackberry merlot

36. Paris, London and New York… which one would you live in, which would you visit for a day, which would you visit for a fortnight? Paris, New York, London

37. What is your sexuality? slightly bisexual, though i prefer males most of the time

38. Heavy rain or heatwave? heavy rain all the way

39. Chicken or fish? depends. 

40. Do you think suits are sexy? if they are tailor made and on a sexy male, hell yeah.

Thankful Thursday on a Friday

I am thankful.....
1. that this crazy work week is mostly over. I enjoy my jobs, but I definitely need some down time.
2. Arlene's journal arrive (for the journal swap). It's the last one I'll work in. Then all the journals go home.
3. absolutely GORGEOUS weather. I wish it would stay this way for much longer. I am dreading the 100+ degree weather that is on the horizon.
4. David is done with the tech pager this week and gets a few weeks' break before he has to do it all over again.
5. YouTube that allows me to decompress either through watching music videos and/or America's Funniest Videos. Really brightens my day.
6. slowly solidifying my own personal beliefs and code of ethics. Well, as solid as such an ever evolving thing can be.
7. mockingbirds, with all their attitude stuffed inside such little bodies.
8. spotted one of the local coyotes Tuesday morning as I headed out to my shift at Starbucks. Much food for thought on that totem appearing. I'll be writing that out soon.
9. babysitting the kitty-demons for Liz and Julie this week. I miss having felines (but not the allergies that go with them). It's nice to see my old feline buddies again.
10. learning and evolving.....constant expanding and contracting.

Feminine

It's a beautiful altar. The creator wrote this:
Altar for the day of the Goddesses. Incense, flowers candle and some of my favourite teas as offerings.

Now, I don't have a problem with the altar at all. It's beautiful and altars are a personal reflection of how one connects with the Divine.

My problem arises in the comments where it becomes apparent that cultural gender roles are encouraged and praised. That's what I have the issue with.
This altar was praised for being so wonderfully feminine due to the soft lighting and having a gentle feel to it.

And it really pissed me off, because my altars will almost never be described as that....neither will my goddess, Sekhmet. She is most definitely not "soft" or "gentle". And neither am I.
Now maybe I'm reading way too much into this, but I'm tired of these descriptive words being used to praise women and our "femininity". Am I gentle at times? Sure. Am I soft? Sure.

But why not praise me for my intelligence? Or my sharp-wit? My ability to handle craziness under pressure? My physical strength? My creativity? My humor?

Why do women always have to be praised for being quiet, soft, kind, gentle, forgiving? And those of us that aren't these things? We're frowned upon. And I know that isn't imagined on my part. I've had many people, male and female, comment on how un-feminine I am, and they aren't meaning it as a compliment.

And to that, I say THANK YOU.
I can take care of myself. I'm not some frail little creature that is scared of her own shadow, that needs a man to make her whole, who needs to be taken care of and protected.
Fuck that bullshit.

May 10, 2014 Photo

Photo for this month's selfie:

Thankful Thursday 05.08.14

I am thankful.....
1. for both of my jobs, even though I may bitch quite a bit about either one of them. They are paying my bills, getting me out of debt, allowing me to save up for my Polar Bear trip, and keeping me busy. Those are all blessings and I need to remember those on the less-than-stellar days.
2. for the daily walks with Holly that get me out of the apartment, off the internet, and out into the natural world that makes my heart and spirit so happy.
3. also for the green belt around our apartment complex that is teeming with life. While this apartment complex may piss me off beyond belief most of the time, this green belt/wooded area is a major, major plus to living here and at times, is the only thing that makes living here tolerable.
4. for my ability to spark creativity in my students. I've gotten a number hooked on art journaling. I specifically picked up a journal to be used at work, to gently fan my own creative spark, along with that in my students. Totally love this.
5. the internet. Even though I'm horribly addicted to it and spend way too much time on it, it does enrich my life quite a bit. Currently, I'm looking up ceremony/craft/ritual ideas for Litha, the Summer Solstice, that's coming up in June.
6. just 21 more days of school left. Then it's off on our crazy ass summer road trip to see David's parents. We are both desperately needing the vacation time from our respective jobs. Hopefully we kill many birds with this stone -- a break from the burn out of working, visiting his parents, seeing new parts of the country (at least for me), and just having fun.
7. that we are getting a second go at spring. Right as the trees and flowers were beginning to bloom, we got hit with a nasty, sneak-attack ice storm, so this spring has been very light flower wise. But we're getting a second round, and this has made me even more grateful for the blooms that put forth the extra effort to show up this spring time.
8. for free photo offers through Shutterfly from time to time. I don't do as much photography and print even less, but when I do want prints, it's nice to get them almost completely free. I do have to pay for shipping, but the rest is taken care of.
9. for having Saturdays off. I guard these days very jealously, but completely relish having a complete day off, all to myself and whatever I wish to do. It's exactly what my heart and spirit need so that I don't go off the deep end and go on a murderous rampage.
10. that David and I randomly decided to check out a new store that opened up near Petsmart -- called Tuesday Morning. Awesome little store. A step up from a dollar store -- the quality is GREAT -- but still much cheaper that we would normally pay. I foresee us paying that store a visit at least once a month.

An Odd, Yet Lovely Day

Work at Starbucks was nothing short of utter insanity. I swear, trying to herd 20 felines, cracked out on catnip, with a vacuum cleaner would have gone smoother than this morning. *chuckles*

I took Holly out for our daily walk. The sun was blindingly bright. And then....raindrops started falling, in the bright shining sun. It's happened before, so it didn't throw me completely off. Just shocked for a second.....to be honest, I was concerned that a bird may have pooped on me! *laughs* But no, just a quick 30 second shower and it was over.

A very odd, yet perfect way to sum up this day thus far.

It's Raining Squirrels

MoonTime is here. I look for a totem each MoonTime, that will guide how the rest of the month will go until the next MoonTime. This totem usually brings something to my attention that I'm lacking in my life, or on the flip-side, something I that I'm doing well, and need to continue doing.

So on my walk today with Holly, a squirrel fell off the carport a mere 2 feet in front of Holly's snout. Spooked all three of us (me, Holly, and the Squirrel). Usually, my totems don't almost fall into my lap, but Squirrel definitely made a big impact today, so that's the totem for this MoonTime.

Animal-Speak by Ted Andrews has this to say of Squirrel Totem: If squirrel has scampered into your life, examine your own activity and preparedness. Are you too active? Not active enough? Are you not planning at all for the future, distant or near? Are you becoming too erratic -- running to and fro and not accomplishing anything? Do you need to learn how to save and ration on any level -- including money, time, energy, etc?

And -- Squirrels are the masters at preparing, but they also are reminders that in our quest for our goals, we should always make time to socialize and play.

Basically, I'm so focused on the right here, the right now, that I'm not looking beyond my nose. I'm burrowed down, doing what needs to be done right now, but am not doing anything beyond that. I'm in survive mode, not thrive mode.

I need to make time for the fun things in life, the things I enjoy. I need to sit down and list the things I do for fun, and then start doing them!

ABC survey

*A - Age: * 32

*B - Bed size: * full

*C - Chore you hate: * vacuuming. Thank GOD, David does it.

*D - Dog's name: * Holly

*E - Essential start your day item: * Starbucks coffee of some sort

*F - Favorite color: * Lavender, Red, Black

*G- Gold or Silver: * Silver

*H - Height: * 5'10"

*I - Instruments you play(ed): * piano, trumpet, French horn, Native American flute

*J - Job title: * Site Supervisor for an after school program through the local school district AND a barista-in-training at Starbucks

*K - Kid(s): * no way

*L - Living arrangements: * apartment with my husband, his dog, and my snake

*M - Mom's name: * Michelle

*N - Nicknames: * Wolfie, Walks

*O - Overnight hospital stay: * don't believe I've had one of those

*P - Pet Peeve: * stupid people

*Q - Quote from a movie: * "I think you just turned into a unicorn" -- Stepbrothers

*R - Right or left handed: * Right

*S - Siblings: * 1 brother

*T - Time you wake up: * depends on if I'm working at Starbucks that morning or not. But I'm usually up by 9 am no matter what.

*U- Underwear: * Victoria's Secret

*V - Vegetable you dislike: * green beans

*W - Ways you run late: * I don't want to go to work, so I just lag.

*X - X-rays you've had: * mouth/jaw, shoulder, elbow, knee, hand, hip

*Y - Yummy food you make: * most recently is the Deviled Eggs. But my sausage balls are amazing too.

*Z - Zoo animal: * Red Wolf