Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Looking to the Future

Photo of the day:

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New little sketchbook that was on sale at Staples. Given than one of my 101 Goals in 1001 Days (which is currently under light revision) is to draw 200 Mandalas, I thought this would jump start that creativity once more. I’m not normally a fan of the pinks, but this had a nice watercolor effect of blues, pinks, and purples. And for less than $7, I couldn’t pass it up! And, given that tomorrow is the last day of school, I felt I had fucking EARNED something nice.

So this is the last day of May. Hard to believe I’m now 6 months into this year. This year seriously has just flown. Damn, tomorrow begins the month of JUNE. Like holy cow! ::laughs::

Tomorrow is the BIG day. The last day of school. The fucking loooooong ass day. And it turns out, Carli won’t be able to be there…just like she wasn’t there today. ::sighs:: Don’t get me wrong. I do like my high school aides. It’s just that Carli has been ridiculously flaky this semester. We only work 180 days TOTAL….and she’s been absent 24+ days. ::shakes her head:: Just really sucks. And then Ricky is planning to leave early tomorrow, at 2 pm. Honestly, that will hinge on how the day is going at that point. Hopefully, since we did our End of the Year Party today, the kids won’t stick around tomorrow. So hopefully, the day will be low-key and low enrollment. If so, then yeah, Ricky should be able to leave early. Gods, I hope so.

And even after all of that, after the last kid leaves, I still have to gather up the year’s paperwork and take all of that over to the main office to drop it all off. Only THEN do I get to clock out and be officially done with this school year. And holy fuck, I am so ready to be DONE with this damn school year. And you better believe the summer full moons will be solely focused on attracting the RIGHT aides to my campus for the 2017-2018 school year. I’ll need to come up with a list of traits I require for my staff, and work that into a nice little spell. I’m thinking some sigil work would be good as well for this. I’ll certainly need to delve into this a bit more before June’s full moon.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

PURPLE!!!

I FINALLY DID IT!

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I got purple put in my hair.

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And this is a HUGE deal because ever since I started working at age 15, I have always worked for places that outright banned “unnatural” hair color. So I never really had the opportunity to have some fun with my hair. The best I ever got was when I went red for a few years in high school (much to my Mom’s dismay ::laughs:: ).

But I decided that this summer was a Summer of ME. And given that I’m working in the warehouse for technology, I figured this would be the best way I could slide on the whole “no unnatural hair color” rule. ::chuckles::

So yes. I’ve got the bottom 4 inches of my hair dyed a deep plum purple. And honestly, half the time, you can barely tell. I had to work hard to finally get photos that show that my hair is actually purple.
Tracy, the hair dresser who did this awesome job, also put in two stripes just under my part. I elected not to bleach those, so it’s just the purple on my natural hair color. And the way it mostly blends in? The way I have to LOOK for them, even though I know they are there…has me really tempted to do a “halo”. Tracy says a number of the teachers do that. So I’m thinking I may do that once school starts back up. Put a halo of purple all the way around. Kind of like having a tattoo. Or wearing super sexy panties under a dress….or not wearing anything at all. A fun little rebel secret. It’s a fun way to thumb your nose at The Establishment without risking my job. ::chuckles:: Honestly, I would love to put in a halo of red…that devilish streak of mine is shining through. Tracy says the red she uses is purple based, instead of pink based, like most of the red dyes out there. That way I could avoid that whole red-that-fades-into-pink, as I’m NOT a fan of pink.

But oh the possibilities! I could easily get my lavender. Or turquoise. Or red. Or blue. Or all of the above.

Summer Time Dreams

written: May 29th

Photo for today:

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I call it “Hocus Pocus Chaos”. This is the part of my art table closest to my altar. And it seems to be the catch all for all things Pagan that aren’t ON the altar currently, or in the shelves below the altar. Needless to say, I need a MASSIVE clean out of both the shelves under the altar and the art table as well.

And honestly, I know I need to do a deep clean of my entire room and bathroom. Once the school year ends (Thursday), I should have some breathing room once again. During the summer, I work Monday – Thursday, so every weekend will be a three-day weekend for me. So HOPEFULLY, I should be able to accomplish some of these goals.

Which reminds me, I need to finalize my summer time goal list. I’m putting a lot of fun things, little things that I can do. I just need a bit of fun right about now. I need to destress and decompress and just relax this summer before diving back into another school year with my students AND my own studies as well.

And I really need to figure out if I will be trying to land one of the paid internships at the Smithsonian Institute of the American Indian or if I’ll simply volunteer at one of the local libraries. I have to do so many hours work at an actual library as part of my degree. Personally, I would LOVE to do 10 weeks up at the Smithsonian, but I’m not sure I can financially swing that just yet. So I need to sit down and hammer out what it would cost me to do that, because that would be an amazing dream come true.

So the dreamer in me screams for me to shoot for the moon here and see if I can get on at the Smithsonian, no matter what it costs, because the EXPERIENCE would be wicked awesome. And it would look so good on my resume. But the realistic in me worries that it will put me in a bind.

Hmm, if nothing else, I could at LEAST apply, right? If I get it, then I will work out the logistics. And if I don’t, then by all means, I get volunteer at a local library.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Shifting

written: May 28th

Photo for the day:

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My adorable, sleepy, derpy-ass dog. ::laughs::

It’s been a relatively quiet Sunday. A quiet rain in the morning. Crows cackling at dusk. This life certainly may not be perfect, but damn, it’s good most of the time. And honestly, I like it. With its ups and downs and its whirlwind aspects…I still am content. And it’s days like this that remind me what the stress and the struggle is all for. It’s for this life, that is mine. Wholly mine.

Dreamt last night of my paternal grandfather – Gigi. He’s the Ukrainian, and he passed back in 2000, I think it was? But in my dream, we were all together….and we were all lycanthropes. Shifting back and forth between human and wolf, seamlessly. I remember him making eye contact with me, smiling, and nodding his head, that he was proud of me. I’m not sure what to make of the dream. In my waking life, I don’t have a lot of memories of Gigi. He (along with almost all of my dad’s side of the family) lived in Canada, and so, I didn’t see a whole lot of him. I don’t have strong feelings about him either way. Though, I do love dreaming of being a lycanthrope…or even full wolf. Those dreams, I am the happiest in.

I’ve been reading “A Witch Alone” and honestly, it’s gotten a lot better. ::laughs:: I just had to get past the whole “oh this will make your life so much better” fluffy part, but I’m glad I kept reading. I’m starting to enjoy it. ::chuckles:: On some topics, it departs from the “standard” Wiccan philosophy I’ve learned over the past two decades. So I’m curious to see what the rest of the book has in store.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Recluse

written: May 27th

Photo for the day:

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I’m trying to get a photo that captures just how long my hair currently is. In this photo I have it pulled back into a high ponytail, and even draping it over my shoulder it still hits me about waist level. If I leave it down, it brushes my butt crack – and yes, that means I have to make sure to move it out of the way before going poo. ::laughs:: Eh, I don’t feel like this photo does it justice though. I guess I’ll just have to get Tracy (the hair stylist) to take a before and after photo of my hair. I’m planning to cut 4 to 5 inches off before bleaching and purpling (is that a word? Well it is now!) 3 to 4 inches. Only a few more days!

The Hubs and I stayed in and completely vegged the fuck out today. It was SO nice. We even took a nap. I know, what wild people we are! ::laughs:: But seriously, I am so grateful for a low-key day.

I swear, the older I get, the worse my introversion and my social anxiety get. The older I get, the less willing I am to “play nice” and tolerate other people’s innate bullshit. I crave more solitude, deeper connections, but with less people. ::chuckles:: I can see myself totally becoming a recluse in my old age. Just me and David sitting on the porch, screaming about kids on our lawn. ::dies laughing:: Maybe I’ll also be a nudist at that point. ::grins toothily:: That’ll keep ‘em away from my home.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Feline Deities

Photo for today:

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Leviathan FINALLY shed….at 8 am this morning. ::sighs:: So yeah, listening to a snake shed…it’s very crinkly…like a plastic bag. ::chuckles:: So needless to say, I’ve been awake due to that…much earlier than I intended.

Hazel called me today. I had missed that crazy chick. And it was really nice to catch up on everything. She’s been on one hell of a whirlwind roller coaster. Man, she’s seriously had her trial by fire in the past year or so. But damn, she’s done so much growing in that time as well. And she is setting down some serious foundation for the life she wants to build for herself. Hopefully, we can get back into doing ritual once again. She definitely wants to incorporate more movement/drum/dance/etc. which I’m down with. Let’s do this shit! ::laughs::

Hazel told me the best thing to come out of the previous year (2016 was a major kick in the teeth for her), was that she got to meet me. Awww. I really do like that lil Leo Lady. She’s definitely a firecracker and a nut and a half, but I think she’s balancing back out. She just had so much shit heaped on her for all of 2016 and part of 2017 that she didn’t know which way was up or down. But she seems to be getting her feet back under her and she seems so much stronger now. More focused. Less deer-in-the-headlights.

But then again, when Goddess takes you through your own personal Descent into the Underworld and you have to face each of your own personal demons and the dark shadows of your own personality? When you not only have to face them, but to embrace them as well? Yeah, you go a bit stark-raving mad for a while. But once you embrace the healing and growth that it brings you? Fuck, you are unstoppable. And that’s where I see her right now. She isn’t full out of the Underworld just yet. But damn, she’s a beast clawing her way back up. A true phoenix.

Seems Bastet has laid full claim to Hazel. And Hazel is getting to know the quirks of being claimed by an Egyptian Feline Goddess. People seem to believe Bastet, being a domestic cat, is all cuddles and sweetness. They seem to forget that cats have never lost their untamed edge. And even though Bastet is a far gentler Goddess than my own beloved Sekhmet, Bastet is still quite fierce in her own right. So I’m curious to see what our deities have in store for us. I am a bit worried. ::chuckles:: Well whatever deity has in store, I know it will be fiery and scorching….but gorgeous in the end.

Thankfull Thursday #21

written: May 25th

Photo for the day:

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Cute little owl stamp on a postcard I received from Latvia through Postcrossing.

I am thankful…
1. For one of the best work evaluations I’ve had in the 9 years I’ve been working for the after school program.
2. Getting to catch up with Lisa a bit at our End of the Year Luncheon for the after school program.
3. That all in all, my students have done really well with all the crazy going ons in our cafeteria – from talent show practices to parents setting up for the 5th grade graduation. Changes like that in our routine usually throw everyone for a loop, but honestly, they’ve kept it mostly together. ::laughs:: Wish I could say the same about myself!
4. Only FOUR days left in the school year and then we are out for summer break!
5. And only FIVE days until I get the purple put in my hair. FINALLY! This has been SO long in the making. I’m finally doing it and I’m ridiculously excited!
6. The pack of five crows that have claimed out little neighborhood as their turf. I love listening to them chatter among themselves, harass the dogs and cats in the area, and just generally be punks.
7. MoonTime was fairly gentle this time around.
8. Done with all the staff evaluations.
9. Being Pagan. I really have found my spiritual niche, and I’m quite happy with it.
10. Capt’n Crunch cereal! I love it.

Eval

written: May 24th

Photo for the day:

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I’m almost done with my current BaBuJo (Bastardized Bullet Journal) and this is the one I’m slowly setting up to begin in the month of June. It’s a “Decomposition” Notebook. I prefer composition notebooks for my BaBuJo. They are just the right size and usually pretty dang cheap, so I don’t get swept up in the perfectionism because who cares if I mess up a bit in a journal that cost me less than $6 to purchase? ::laughs::

So my supervisor that I was bitching and moaning about in the previous entry (ok, ok, so I’ve been bitching and moaning the entire school year about her), sent me my evaluation, as they are now wanting people to be able to view it BEFORE they come in to discuss it. I don’t quite understand that, but whatever.

But holy shit, this evaluation completely blew my socks off! I was expecting a bit more negative feedback, as I know I don’t do everything up to standard, but this ended up being one of the BEST and most glowing reviews I’ve had to DATE. I got “Exceeds Expectations” (the highest ranking) on THIRTEEN of the sixteen points. And those other three points were “Proficient” which is still good. Like, WOW!

So I really must have impressed my supervisor, because back in October she was threatening to fire me and all my staff, but after that knock-down drag-out fight, she understands that there IS a method to my madness on my campus.

That, and I want to reiterate for myself – my fucking Voodoo is STRONG. ::laughs:: If you recall, I did a Sweetening Spell on said supervisor back on January 17th, to help the two of us be nicer to each other and to “sweeten” our work relationship. And holy hell, I will say that was a resounding success.

I do plan to dismantle the spell bottle on the next Dark Moon (the day before the New Moon). That’ll be June 23rd – I’m not doing it tonight, because my energy is so damn low due to all the End-of-The-School-Year shenanigans going on. But June 23rd, I should be back to my normal energy levels, so I’ll dismantle the spell bottle then. I will say that I’m somewhat tempted to keep the bottle going, but I did make the promise to the Divine that once the spell bottle did its job, I would release it. Besides, if I need to do it again, it’s a fairly easy, straightforward spell and I know what a strong success this first use was, which will bolster the confidence I have in the spell working.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Irked

written: May 23rd

Photo for today:

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A freshly shed cicada (though most Texans call them “locusts”). I spotted him while walking Josey (it is amazing how good my eyes are at picking out animals, big or small – this guy was a good 10 feet away when I spotted those green wings). The cicada was calming waiting for his wings to dry and harden so he could then fly away. I took the one photo and then left him alone. I figure all wild creatures have a rough life fighting for survival. They don’t need me adding more stress just because I want to watch them. ::chuckles::

So my supervisor has managed to irk me again. ::sighs:: Honestly, I don’t know why I allow it to irk me – it would appear it is just a part of her personality.

Ok, to explain the above comment – at my job (the after school program), we receive two evaluations – one before Winter Break and another before Summer Break. So Miss Boss Lady sends out a Sign Up Genius for us to be able to sign up for what day and time works best for us to come into the office and get our evaluations. This is world’s better than it was at the mid-way point, when she just emailed us a list of dates and times and we had to email her back and if that slot was taken, she would email that we couldn’t come at that time. It was mass chaos and so many fucking emails back and forth (because she always did a Reply All), so at least we didn’t have to go through that bull shit. So I signed up for tomorrow at 11 am. She replied back this morning that she forgot she was in a class (she’s being trained on how to train others on CPR and 1st Aid), could I come in at 11:30 am instead. I know it’s not a huge thing, but this is the shit she’s done ALL FUCKING YEAR. How the hell do you manage to have your Ph.D and be in your late 40s and still NOT know how to manage your time somewhat efficiently??? Like, how did you FORGET that you have a major class on one particular day? Like, REALLY? Really?

And I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it’s been going on ALL GODDAMN YEAR. And given that I feel like I’m late if I’m only 5 minutes early (I prefer to be 15 minutes early), and she has consistently rolled in at LEAST 20 minutes late to everything. And some things, she’ll be DAYS late about. ::shakes her head:: It drives me completely up the wall. I just feel like that’s a huge insult…that by always being that late, that you are telling me you do not value my time at all. I swear to god, if she’s stupid late tomorrow to my meeting, I’m going to speak up. That is such utter crap. ::wanders off still grumbling::

Monday, May 22, 2017

A Bit More Stable

Photo for today:

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Photo of one of the postcards I received today through Postcrossing. This one’s from Germany. I seriously LOVE Postcrossing. I am so glad Deina told me about it. I’ve been hooked ever since.

So I broke down and busted out the fountain pens once again to use them in the Pen Pal Journal. So I figure I’ll just do that for a bit, and then mail it back to D.B. the first week of June and put in a note saying that I’m having to bow out of future rounds with the journal. I’m simply focusing on the words and that “standard” journaling. If I want to punch it up a notch and add in some doodles or some photos, I can do that. But it isn’t the center of my journaling for this particular journal swap.

Though, I must say, it is making me want to host another journal swap with my beloved journaling friends. Maybe I can reach out to a few that I’m thinking of, and see if they are up for a swap. Sharmila specifically comes to mind. She’s been rather quiet lately in the journaling group, and with her being overseas, it makes it a bit too expensive for her to tag along in the regular swaps. But we’ve swapped before, just her and I, and I would totally be down for that again if she is. I’ll mull it over a bit more and make a decision once I’m done with the Pen Pal one.

Well, lucky for me, the urge to spend money all willy-nilly has subsided. I guess paying bills and tuition and knowing that my hair experiment is going to be around $100 has satisfied that specific beast for now. I’ve decided that since I still have the candle from last year’s Litha, that I’ll use it this time around, instead of purchasing one. But I do want to get some Litha incense and possibly a Litha oil as well. Ever since I’ve started ordering stuff from Sage Goddess and she includes those scented oil samples, I’ve been hooked on them. As some point, I would love to get into making my own. But that’s a pricey hobby to have, so I’ll hold off for now. ::chuckles::

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Tilt-a-World

The #CY365 photo prompt for today is “Sharp”:

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Josey ADORES shredding boxes. I usually put a treat in them and close them up before giving it to her. It’s an extra incentive to have fun. Makes for a huge mess when she’s done, but seriously. If you could see the way this lil pit bull’s eyes dilate when she realizes she’s getting a BOX? And if you could see the happy wiggles and jumps it brings out in her, you would give her boxes as well. ::laughs::

The big announcement for today is that I’ve found the hair stylist to do my purple tips AND have scheduled my appointment. So I’ll be getting the full treatment (shampoo, trim, bleach, and then purple dye) on the 30th. That way I can be a rebel those last few days at work, but that work won’t have the necessary time to write me up for my non-compliance hair color.

I don’t know why this is such a big thing for me. I think it’s because of how crappy this entire school year has been. And, let’s face it, I ain’t getting any younger here. And I don’t see why the high school teachers can have a streak of non-natural color in their hair, but those of us working in the after school program can’t. That’s some serious bullshit.

And I don’t know. I’m just feeling really, really, REALLY caged right now. Like I am having to follow all these rules that I don’t necessarily agree with. And that I’m having to bend MY spirit in order to conform. And I’m just tired of conforming. I’m tired of playing nice and putting on a show and being as fucking fake as I have to be at times.

And all the storms that have been rolling in each night aren’t helping either. I can hear the Harpies out in the wind, playing, calling me to come join them. And in the day time, when the skies are clear, the neighbor Crow mob follows me and cackles and caws…mirroring the calls of the Harpies.

And my MoonTime is coming, so my energy all chaotic. Gotta switch from life GIVING energy to life DESTROYING energy…and that takes a bit to get the cyclone to spin in the opposite direction.

And my mental stability has been anything but stable. I’m not hitting dangerous waters yet, but the mania is on the rise – though, to be honest, I’d rather have the mania than the depression. I’ve been dealing with bouts of depression off and on for the past year or so with no trips into mania land. So I am worried that this make harken a bad mania trip.

The main thing that makes my mania so bad (other than the high desire for violence coupled with the superman complex – i.e. I want to fight everyone AND feel like I can take them all in a fight no problem), is the high desire to spend money. But I’m hoping that since I just dropped $2,200 on my Fall Semester AND will be spending around $100 on my purple hair, that I won’t require any other big expenditures. Needless to say, the credit card is being taken out of my wallet and removed from my PayPal account. And once I make my mortgage payment, cell phone payment, AND car insurance payment, anything else left in my checking account over $100 will be moved into savings. Even in full mania, I don’t touch my savings account because that’s the money I’m putting towards my polar bear trip. And it seriously breaks my HEART anytime I have to take money out of my savings, even for serious bills. ::chuckles:: So once it is in the account, it’s practically untouchable in my mind. And I know that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it WORKS. So that’s all I care about! ::laughs::

DYING

written: May 20th

The #CY365 Photo prompt is “Low Tech”:

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My allergies are SLAYING me right now. I want to carve out my throat and throw it away. It hurts so bad much right now to swallow, I was checking myself in the mirror and seeing if I had Strep Throat or some shit.

::knocks on wood:: I have yet to have Strep. ::turns her eyes heaven-ward:: Please, keep it that way!!!
I really hope the Spirits don’t take that as a challenge. I would be SO happy to never have Strep.

So yeah by midnight, it felt like I was swallowing pins. So off to CVS we go. And of course, the nice one by our house closes at 10 pm, so we had to go to the seriously sketchy one by the old apartments. I always feel like I should be carrying a blade or a gun anytime I return to the old neighborhood. It’s just gone so downhill. But then again, all the good little boys and girls aren’t roaming the streets at midnight, so what does that say about me? ::laughs::

So yeah, this is my “low tech” fight against my allergies. I’ll be calling my doctor on Monday and seeing about getting the damn shot. I’ve put that off for as long as I could but I’m done now. I also plan to inquire about some of these “allergy treatments” the local ER clinics offer that basically train your body not to wig the fuck out over allergy triggers. If it’s legit, then sign me the fuck up!

Saturday, May 20, 2017

My Neighbors Are Soulless Creatures

written: May 19th

Today’s photo:

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It’s really hard to tell, but this is a TINY little puffy feather I found when I took Josey out. It’s maybe as big as my pinkie nail. Maybe. ::chuckles::

Well, it’s a good thing I snuck over to the Alley Neighbor’s side and snapped a photo of the lilies blooming BECAUSE THEY FUCKING MOWED THEM ALL DOWN TODAY!!!!!!!!!!! I damn near walked over there and knocked on their back door and screamed WHAT THE FUCK at them. Like seriously? Who MOWS down gorgeous orange lilies that were JUST STARTING TO BLOOM?!?!?! People without souls. That’s who.

I’m actually a little surprised at how offended I was that they mowed down their lilies. But then again, with the way my mood’s been ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE….maybe it shouldn’t be all that surprising. Honestly, today, I’ve been rather stable. ::chuckles::

Thankful Thursday #20

written: May 18th

Today’s photo:

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The Alley Neighbor’s lilies.

I am thankful…
1. Alley Neighbor’s beautiful orange lilies are FINALLY starting to bloom. I seriously want to plant some of my own now.
2. Awesome wind storm that blew through. We didn’t get tornadoes (thank goodness) but we also didn’t get any rain, which made me sad. But damn the wind was something.
3. Making some realistic plans for Operation Purple Hair for this summer. ::chuckles:: I’m a HUGE dreamer, but not always the best on the follow through, so I’m really setting down the steps to get my purple hair. ::chuckles::
4. Receiving letters from my Swiss pen pal and my Arizona pen pal AND that I’ve actually written them both back and mailed those already! Woohoo! I’m actually on top of shit….for RIGHT now. ::laughs::
5. My copy of “Devoted To You” by Judy Harrow arrived today. Now I just need to finish reading “A Witch Alone” and then I can get started on this book. ::chuckles::
6. Only two more weeks left for the after school program. I am so, so, so READY for the summer break.
7. That I have the Tech Job again this summer. Hopefully I won’t have to work too closely with Tommy (the tech for my campus). He’s already stalkerish enough. I don’t want to do anything to rekindle that behavior in him. That and I don’t feel like being a complete and utter bitch to him…..yet. But we certainly are getting close to that threshold.
8. That the husband works this Sunday….which means I have the entire day 100% to myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I adore my husband. But a day that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want? Hells yeah, sign me up for that shit. I’m getting sushi (because the husband won’t be home to grumble about it)!! ::laughs::
9. Giving myself permission to say “No” to obligations I no longer want to engage in. I will be sending the pen pal journal back to its owner, without writing in it. I’ll include a note to him stating that I just don’t have the time to work in it and let that thing go. I have NO inclination to even read through it, to see what the others have been up to, and that’s a major sign that I could care less about it. ::laughs:: A Scorpio turning away the opportunity to read other people’s journal entries? Unheard of! Until now. ::laughs::
10. Having the time and the inclination to ponder various things. And that I have the internet at my fingertips to facilitate any information gathering I need on any subject my lil heart desires (or obsesses over). Kind of a double edged blade there, but for the most part, it’s a good thing. ::chuckles::

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Aggression

written: May 17th

Photo of the day:

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Rose buds. I wanted to get photos of the Alley Neighbor’s orange lilies that have FINALLY begun to bloom. But I dunno. I felt a little awkward sneaking over there while they are home to photograph their flowers and race back across the little alley way. I’ll just wait until they aren’t home. ::laughs::
Whew. Aggression levels are running so fucking high right now. I’m bouncing between bouts of aggression and depression. ::sighs:: Yeah, lemme tell you how much FUN that has been…..NOT!!

The walks with Josey…I rather look forward to them to be honest. But the weather is really beginning to heat up. And the humidity was so high today – we got a quick rain shower this morning around 4 am. But I like walking around my little neighborhood. It’s nice that the only thing I really have to worry about in my little neighborhood is just a few loose dogs from time to time. But no thugs. No pants-less hobos high on whippets and drunk off Steel Reserve. No drug-dealers turned murders. None of the crazy ass shit that occurred at my old apartment complex. So yeah, while I miss my coyotes and hawks, rabbits and raccoons, I don’t miss the human element from that area. It just was no longer safe for me to be there.

On another topic, I got the journal again from the Pen Pal group. ::sighs:: I don’t want to work in it. I don’t want to write in it. I just want to mail it back to Pen Pal David and bow out of the entire thing from now on. But then again, maybe this could jump start my creativity. Because, holy shit, that needs to be stuck by lightning. At this point, I think that is the only way to jolt it back to life.

I need to clear out my art territory and art table. I can’t create anything if the table is layer upon layer of utter chaos. I mean, I NEED a bit of chaos, because that’s just what I am….that’s how I’m wired. I’m not meant for domestication. But when it’s all chaos? Nothing gets created. I need to clear all of that shit out and make room for some creativity.

Holy hell, is this school year EVER going to end? I’m so DONE with my students and my staff and they aren’t even terrible! ::laughs:: I’m just so fucking tired and am ready for a break. A change of pace. I can’t wait to go work with Jennifer, Sandy, Ronni, and Nate again in the Tech Department. I just hope they don’t have me working with Tommy (he’s the tech on my campus – and is creepy as FUCK. Even my students have commented on how much he appears to like me and inquire if he knows I’m married – yeah, it’s THAT bad). I’m sure if I talk to Sandy, she’ll keep him somewhere else. ::chuckles:: I’m just happy to go see those ladies and Nate again. Fuck, I’m just ready for a job that requires a LOT less socializing. ::laughs::

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Josey

written:  May 16th

Photo of the day:

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So yeah, a year ago today, we brought home this adorable little speckled pit bull. It’s been an interesting year. I love her quirks, the way her tail and butt puff up when she’s excited. The way she tries to protect us from the DVD player. She mostly walks well on the leash now. She is still absurdly excited to see people, and she is still 100% convinced that they are destined to be best friends.

We are supposed to get some storms later on in the week. I am really fucking needing a good storm to flush out some of this aggression and spirit restlessness. Summer will soon be upon me and I hate that I don’t have anything FUN planned. I mean, I have my family reunion in June. But given how I’m the polar opposite of 90% of my family (meaning, 90% of my family fully endorse and support Trump…yeah, let that one settle in). So needless to say, I’m not exactly looking forward to hanging out with most of ‘em. ::chuckles:: It’s not like they are truly BAD people, but I have a really difficult time respecting people who feel like me as a non-Christian am not deserving of the same rights and privileges as they have. It’s hard for me to respect people who feel like me being a woman means I’m not deserving of the same rights and privileges that males have. And I have a very hard time respecting people touting “being good Christians” as a way to deny anyone different from them from having the same rights and privileges that they have enjoyed forever and a day. That’s not ok in my book.

And granted, I do have some warped morals and am very liberal on just about everything. But that level of hate, even if they deny it as hate (it’s HATE), just doesn’t fly in my book. You can hate individuals all you want. I’m 100% ok with that. But the blanket hate? Yeah, that’s no bueno in my book.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Wands Continued...

written: May 15th

Photo of the day:
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Ya know that Music Teacher I was ranting about on Friday? She not only apologized via email (in response to my email), and has TWO other teachers to help her police her talent show students, but she stopped by today in person to apologize again AND give me this. ::laughs:: So I’m not hating on her as much as I was Friday. Friday was just such a shit storm there was little I could do other than swallow my rage and wait until it died down before addressing it. But, I think we’ve found a good common ground once more, and both of us will hopefully hold up our respective sides of the bargain.

So yeah, about those wands. I thought I was over the obsession. Again, I hadn’t found one that 100% called to me, so no biggie right?

I was telling Annie about this awesome Jaguar athame this guy, Shamanic Wands-Simon, made. I mean seriously, how fucking cool is this?

Jaguar athame top view:

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Jaguar athame side view:

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I mean, holy shit, ain’t that STUNNING? And while Jaguar is my totem for 2017, it’s not one that I would make the focal point of my athame. Besides, still loving my current athame (buffalo horn handle and Damascus blade). But seriously, this Jaguar one is GORGEOUS. A true piece of art. Pricy as shit as well (up around $400).

And I liked this Raven wand, created by Spinning Castle, as well:

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Another view:

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The Harpies are quite the fan of this one. But again, expensive (also around $400). So yeah, that’s a no go for me. I would like to do something for the Harpies, but I’m not spending that kind of cash at this time.

But then, while I was scrolling through Shamanic Wands-Simon……I came across these two wolf wands.

Wolf Wand 01:

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Unfinished Wolf Wand 02:

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I mean, holy shit. That is GORGEOUS. I could see myself using the shit out of one of those wands. Like holy hell. GORGEOUS!!!!!

I guess I can start saving now and maybe be able to get it at the end of the year. I HAVE to hit my $5k mark by my birthday. Then whatever money I can save after that, I can put towards a wolf wand like one of those.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Arrogance

written: May 14th

Photo for today:

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Doing a bit of reading in A Witch Alone. It is so very, VERY Wiccan. And I’m so NOT Wiccan. I dunno, the quote I wrote down on the note pad really rubbed me the wrong way.

“The God of the pagans walks in three worlds: the lowly land of all beasts, wild and tame, with their simplicity; the man-made realms and agricultural/industrial complexes, for he has always been the Magical Smith, the Maker and Designer: and above these he is the Divine Sky Father.” (from A Witch Alone by Marian Green).

First off, I think this is an overly simplistic view of The God of Wiccans (even though Mrs. Green poses that he is the god of all pagans, which, lemme tell you, ain’t true at all). I’m also not a fan of the triple aspect forced upon deities by individuals when that deity clearly is not a triple aspect. Like people want to force all goddesses into one of the “three faces of goddess: maiden, mother, crone”. ::shakes her head:: Now, some deities do fit that stereotype….but there are a lot that don’t. And we all know how I feel about being pigeon-holed into a too tight box that doesn’t fit me, or that requires me to cut off parts of my personality to fit inside said box. And if I, as a human, loathe that? I can only imagine how the Spirits feel…given that it is HUMANS attempted to force them into holes that do not reflect the expansiveness that they are.

Secondly, I really got pissed at the whole “lowly land of all beasts, wild and tame, with their simplicity” line. Fuck that hierarchy. Why does man constantly seek to place himself above the animals? Smacks wayyyy too much of Genesis from the Bible, where that God gave man dominion over all the beasts of the world. I don’t think that animals are lowly nor simplistic. Toss any “typical” human out into the natural world and they wouldn’t last a month out there with the “lowly” and “simplistic” animals.

Thirdly, how could the god always have been the “magical smith” if smithing was a human invention and didn’t occur for ages? I get so exhausted by certain Wiccans trying to prove/claim that Wicca is an ancient religion, handed through unbroken lineages a witches from the Original Times. Let’s be honest. It’s not. It may be based off of ancient fertility and agricultural rites from ages and cultures long ago, but actual Wicca is a relatively “new” religion. And there is nothing wrong with that. The Old Gods and Spirits are very much alive and well and they don’t REQUIRE anything of us. We can enter into relationship and partnerships with them and it can be very much mutually beneficial.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Obsession

written: May 13th

Photo for today:

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This is my current obsession. No, seriously. OBSESSION. Like borderline scary obsession. I’ve been trolling through the entire internet realm, scoping out various wands, trying to see if any call to me. And some parts of various wands call to me, but I haven’t found one that speaks 100% to me. I’m on the list for a custom wand by SRG-Wands. He’s made a lot of beautiful ones that I’ve seen all over DeviantArt, and I inquired about the possibility a few months ago about getting on his list, since his work is in HIGH demand.

It was his Atiesh Wand that grabbed me the most:

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Which is saying something because Hawks, even though I enjoy them a lot, aren’t really a BIG totem animal for me. ::shrugs:: But the smoothness of all the lines is just beautiful.

And honestly? I don’t even know why I am OBSESSING over wands. I have a KICK ass athame that I adore, AND a bad ass spear. So when/how would I actually USE a wand?

But I can’t tell you how much I have enjoy trolling through Pinterest, Etsy, and Ebay just scoping all the various wands available, plus things that could be used as wands, even though that isn’t their original intended purpose. And THAT led to scoping various animal bones, horns, and antlers that I could make into wands, should I elect to go that way. All in all, I probably devoted a good 6+ hours into this obsession. ::laughs::

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Overload

written: May 12th

The #CY365 photo prompt for today is “Currently Loving”:

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I am currently loving my rose bush. It is on its second round of blooming. And I am currently loving this feather I found on my walk with Josey earlier.

I have been hearing a lot recently about Sensory Overload. And honestly, the more I hear about it, the more I feel it applies to a lot of my anxiety.

Take today for instance. The Music Teacher is spearheading a talent show for the elementary school I have my after school program at. And she didn’t tell me that she would be practicing in the cafeteria (our home base) today. The extra 20 students that it brought into the cafeteria at the most chaotic time of our program – right at dismissal, so we’re trying to account for all the students we’re supposed to have and get them snack and whatnot. And given that even though this Music Teacher is a great music teacher, she FUCKING SUCKS ASS when it comes to managing her students. So on top of supervising all of my students, tracking down three students that didn’t show for the after school program (luckily, their parents just suck at letting me know they would be picking them up after school), AND that I was a person short because Carli wasn’t there today….so yes, on top of all that chaos, I am ALSO having to coral HER fucking students. I am having to tell me they cannot interact with my students (that’s a MAJOR policy of our after school programs), that the after school program’s snacks are NOT for them, and neither are our supplies or games. Like seriously? Not only am I having to take care of the 20 students that are MINE, but I’m also having to watch HER 20 as well? FUCK THAT NOISE.

And used to I would chalk that up to them buggering up my “schedule” without at least giving me a heads up. Typically, if they give me a heads up, I can mentally prepare myself for the monkey wrench it will inevitably throw into my plans. But the more I look into sensory overload, the more it makes sense. I can handle my normal level of chaos. Working with children, you HAVE to be able to function in a certain level of chaos. But once it goes outside of those standard parameters? I turn into a the biggest bitch, snapping and snarling.

Needless to say, I’ve gone ahead and emailed said Music Teacher, suggesting that she has another teacher or a parent there with her. She needs to be able to focus on helping the students on their performances, but there HAS to be someone else there to manage the rest of her pack. And I’ve asked for her to let me know the days and times her group will be in the cafeteria so that I can plan around it. If nothing else, I will know what days I will need to stop by the liquor store (I pass it EVERY day on the way to work), and grab a bottle of tequila and need to just zone out after that day at work.

It just sucks because I keep looking at pages of information on sensory overload, trying to find new coping mechanisms that I can employ to keep the overload from being too much…and all the techniques offered are ones I cannot do at my job.

Like leaving the situation that is causing the overload. Yeah, can’t leave my students unsupervised.

Or resting a lot before the stressful day. Yeah, can’t do that if the fucking bitch doesn’t let me know until I’m right there in the thick of it.

Avoiding the situation that causes the overload? Yeah, can’t do that either.

I already have the decompression time worked into my day. I typically get home around 7 pm and my husband gets home around 9 pm. So I have 2 hours to just rest, relax, and veg the fuck out. And the setting limit is one that I’m working on – hence the email to the Music Teacher, setting up expectations (that she’ll have someone to manage her group of students, that she will remind her students that the after school program students and items are NOT there for them, and that she will tell me what days and times she will be in the cafeteria in the coming weeks). Hopefully next week won’t be this shitty.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Thankful Thursday #19

written: May 11th



I am thankful for….
1.       Random “rules” my brain comes up with governing how things should be done or ought to be done…and the fact that that same brain will then break those rules and challenge the status quo.
2.       Wonderful Full Moon Ritual I did earlier this evening.  I love how I feel after a ritual…akin to after great sex.  ::chuckles::  Mellow and happy and content.
3.       That the semester is over.  I didn’t achieve my 4.0 that I was wanting, but I still did well. 
4.       The ruckus crow family playing in my yard before I had to go to work today. 
5.       Getting to sleep in, now that I don’t have to be up at a certain time to do school work.  ::chuckles::  It’s really nice to sleep in each day until 10 am.
6.       Journals and blogs.  I like the place to reflect and ruminate on life and the various experiences it throws my way.
7.       That the back alleyway neighbor’s lilies are finally coming up and should be blooming soon.  I can’t wait.  I wish I had space in my yards that I could plant lilies….and daffodils. 
8.       That the cord I purchased to use with my flame kimono ritual robe turned out to be the perfect length.  I was concerned it might be a tad too long, but I used it in the full moon ritual earlier and it’s perfect.  And the color is almost identical to the robe itself, which is another awesome perk.  Now I just need to figure out how to finish off the ends, so the cord doesn’t unravel.
9.       Cinnamon Roll poptarts…..they aren’t as good as the frosted strawberry ones (that are my absolutely favorite), but given that I’m out of frosted strawberry poptarts…these are an acceptable second choice.
10.   Just three weeks left in the school year.  I don’t know who is looking more forward to summer break – my students, my high school aides (seniors), or ME.  ::laughs::  But suffice it to say, we are ALL looking forward to it and it doesn’t seem to be getting here soon enough.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Witchcraft in the Air

Ah, how I love the smell of witchcraft in the air! ::chuckles:: Ok, so really, it’s incense, but given that I only burn incense for ritual work, it has become the aroma of witchcraft to me. And I love it. Just fucking LOVE it. And I love the fact that my husband and I have separate bedrooms (for numerous reasons), and so I can burn incense and do ritual whenever my little Pagan heart desires. The longer I am in a relationship with my husband, the more grateful I am for how fucking amazing he is.

So anyways, back to witchcraft. I enjoyed a super low-key Esbat (Moon Ritual) this evening. I certainly had a less structured approach to ritual this time around and damn, I just loved it.

Full Moon Altar:

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The focus of this Esbat was to set certain things in motion to aid in me achieving my dream of seeing the polar bear migration up in Churchill, Manitoba. I’m not going into specifics here. Gotta protect that little nest egg of a dream of mine, which includes the magick behind the scenes.

Even though my attitude towards the ritual was low key, I decided to bust out my snazzy red flame kimono robe Jen K made for me ages and ages and AGES ago.

Post ritual selfie:

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And damn, do I feel GOOD after all of that. I’m happy and content. Practically purring. ::chuckles::

Devotion

written May 10th

Today’s #CY365 photo challenge prompt is “From Below”.
So enjoy a photo of Josey I took with my GOOD camera. She was at the base of the stairs, looking up at me at the top of the stairs.

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My Mom called me earlier to ask if I had seen the moon rising yet. She’s out in the country, so she could see it just as it was beginning to rise, huge and red. I had to wait a bit longer for it to clear the trees in my neighborhood, so I saw it when it was orange and then bone white as it rose higher in the sky.

Tonight is the Full Flower Moon. I got my altar all set up but will do the ritual tomorrow.

I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m utterly exhausted this entire week. I think my body is just trying to recover from the insanity that was this semester in college. And now that the semester has ended, it no longer has to be on high alert. I can relax and my body is utterly worn out. Just three more weeks and the school year will be done for my after school program. Hopefully I will get that Friday (after the last day of school) OFF and get to rest and recoup before jumping into the Technology job.

And while we are on the subject of Hopes: I hope the Technology job is as smooth and uneventful as it was last year. Granted, last year was a clusterfuck because the Super Higher Ups had NO clue what the fuck was going on EVER….but it was steady work that took up the entire summer AND didn’t require a whole lot of brain power from me. ::chuckles:: Which is EXACTLY what I want for this summer.

I’m in a strange headspace…where I’m exhausted and just want to sleep, but am too wired/aggressive to actually sleep. Like, I want to make everything a fight. Like, I’m spoiling for a fight and am actively HUNTING a fight. ::shakes her head:: Wheee with the bipolar today.

Ok, so changing gears here. I’ve been watching WitchInTheBurbs on YouTube (I’m also subscribed to his mailing list) and the latest three videos he’s put up all touch on this “Goddess Immersion” idea. In his Coven, they do a goddess immersion for 30 days. For 30 days, you research a single goddess, you cook foods from that ethnic group (like Irish, Egyptian, African, etc), you read the myths surrounding/involving that deity, and research any rituals/cult behaviors pertaining to that deity. You would build an altar specifically for that deity and engage in daily devotionals.

And this concept really resonates with me. I could do this for Sekhmet. Another 30 days, I could do this for the Harpies. And so on and so forth as I work through each of the spirits/deities I work with and honor currently.

Unfortunately, the “SOS Inspiration for the Witch on the Left Hand Path” turned out to be a dud. Kimberly (the one who originally posted about it) got her copy and it seems to be just affirmations. Luckily, she told me that really quick and I was able to cancel my order of the book. Which completely bummed me out as I was looking forward to a new book. I’m still slowly treading through “A Witch Alone”, but WitchInTheBurbs mentioned “Devoted to You” by Judy Harrow, which talks all about the Goddess Immersion practice. So I snagged a copy of that for MUCH cheaper than the SOS book. So I have that to look forward to once it arrives. So the plan right now is to read through that book as soon as it arrives, and then come up with a time line on working through my various spirits/deities that are at the core of my Practice.

Dumbfounded

written: May 9th

Today’s #CY365 photo prompt is “In Your Face”:

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Yeah, allergies are BAD currently, so this medicine is ALL UP IN MY FACE, trying to make it so I can breathe and so I won’t claw out my own eyes. I’m about ready to call my doctor up and beg for an allergy shot. And I HATE needles, so you know it’s bad if I’m ASKING to be jabbed.

We had a sub today, Sarah, whom I’ve worked with previous and really enjoy. And she shared some tales from other campuses she’s been at that just blow my mind. And it’s really shaken my belief in the after school program as a whole…and definitely my confidence in our leadership.

It’s easy to get caught up in my own little kingdom, as I refer to my campus. And because things are going pretty damn good in my kingdom and I don’t have a whole lot of contact with the other kingdoms, I just assume the other kingdoms are operating like my own. But apparently, things are horribly bad on some campuses. And ain’t shit being done to rectify this. And so, I’m sitting here a bit dumbfounded and astounded. And it makes me grateful for my little kingdom behaving so well these past 9 years. But I certainly can’t wait until I finish up my degree and can move on to a new chapter in my own life.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Monday Mutterings

written May 8th

Photo for today:

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The first blue jay feather I’ve found here at the house. I do miss my wood trails by the old apartments (Pre-Hobo-and-Thug season). I think one year, I found a dozen or so blue jay feathers on my various daily walks with Old Lady Dog, Holly. Rest in peace, dear Holly. We’ll raise hell with you once David and I cross over.

I’ve been trying to delve deeper into “A Witch Alone”, but this first chapter is super “fluffy” and super Wicca 101. And I find myself utterly bored and grumpy with it. ::chuckles:: But it is good to brush up on the basics, even when I do not consider myself Wiccan. If nothing else, it’s nice to touch base on what facilitated the Break with Christianity. Actually, I had started breaking away from Christianity before Wicca entered the playing field. Wicca just gave me a direction to start heading.

Kimberly (a journaling buddy of mine) mentioned she ordered a book called “SOS Inspiration for the Witch on the Left Hand Path” by Bruce Peterson. It peaked my interest. I went to solely scope it out on Amazon, and ended up ordering a copy. ::laughs:: But I use Smile Amazon, so a portion of the money I spent will go to Wolf Park (the nonprofit I’ve selected to receive my donations), so at least a portion of the money is going to a good cause. ::smiles::

Well, turns out I didn’t do so good on my final project. I’m sure it was the budget section that brought the overall grade down. ::sighs:: So no, I won’t get my 4.0 this semester. For the Management class, I’m sitting at a 88. Sucks, but it is what it is. And a B is good enough for the degree, so I won’t have to retake that damn class. I’m bummed that my grade dropped to a B, but I’m so glad it is OVER.

I am still waiting for the final participation grade to be logged for my Preservation class and then I’ll know what that final grade will be. After that, I don’t want to think about college until the beginning of August. ::chuckles:: I just want to kick back and relax until then.