PSA

I posted this yesterday to my FaceBook page:
My PSA for the day.
If someone tells you that are allergic to something…FUCKING BELIEVE THEM!!!!!!!
Yeah this is what I am rocking TWO WEEKS after quasi-supervisor’s stunt.
I look like a leopard with all my various spots.
And this is but a fraction. I have been taking enough benadryl daily to probably kill an elephant. And I got a heavy dose of steroids and prednisone injected into my hip this morning. And I still look THIS BAD.
The hives and rash cover my entire neck front and sides. It covers my entire chest down to the bottom of my rib cage. It covers both shoulders and is starting to go down my arms. And it’s beginning to show up on my face.
All of this because one asshole decided to “test” my allergy.

All I Wanted for Christmas

was to NOT have fucking HIVES.

::sighs:: Yeah, so I’ve been battling hives since quasi-supervisor did his lil stunt of testing my allergies to a cleaning agent that I specifically told him not to use. Hell, I even told him that I would wipe down the desk after he used it, so it wasn’t like it was putting him out or anything.

At that point, I had 2 or 3 hives up on my neck. It has slowly spread to my chest, neck, and left shoulder. And today I have 4 on my face. ::sighs:: I’ve been taking Benadryl like it’s friggin’ candy and that keeps the itching to a minimum, but the hives themselves are still there.

So yeah, I’ve made an appointment with my doctor on Wednesday (because that’s the first day I could get in early enough to miss the least amount of work), so HOPEFULLY she can do something to get rid of these damn things.

I think I’m up to 14 or 15 hives now. And the original ones are peeling and itching. It’s fucking fabulous, lemme tell ya.

Honestly, if they weren’t spreading up my face, I don’t think I would care that much. But I have two on my jaw, and one above my left eye and that has me concerned. I mean, that can’t be good, right?

I just want to know what the hell is triggering it. I’ve changed my bed sheets. I’ve washed all the blankets in the house that I use. I’ve washed all my clothing. I haven’t changed any laundry soap or shower soap or anything along those lines. Eating habits are pretty much the same. I mean, cedar is out of control right now, which is wreaking havoc on Hubs and my seasonal allergies. But that’s the standard sneezing, itchy eyes, and runny nose stuff. Hives are completely new – well except for when I learned, the hard way, that I’m allergic to lithium. ::sighs::

Man, I guess 2020 ain’t done with me yet.

Not What I Had in Mind

Definitely NOT what I had in mind when I wrote my previous entry about “letting go”.

But that seems to be the running theme of 2020, doesn’t it?

I received the news today that my longtime journaling friend, Ray, passed away this morning due to COVID.

I knew it was coming. He was 70+ years old. He’s battled and BEATEN colon cancer twice. He was a gay man FIGHTING for the right to simply EXIST throughout most of his life.

And this year, he’s been in and out of the hospital more times than the all the years I’ve known him combined.

And I just knew, when his sister said he was in the hospital with COVID....I knew he wasn’t coming back this time. I knew it in my heart, even as I fought to remain optimistic. Hell, I couldn’t even muster up the energy to light a candle for healing. Because I simply knew.

Annie, another longtime journaling friend, reached out to me last night, to touch base and see how I was holding up. And man, it was like the flood gates just opened up for me. Admitting it out loud brought so many tears. And, even with her carrying the entire world on her exhausted shoulders, she asked what she could do to support me during this time. Beyond touched and humbled and so deeply, deeply grateful. I bawled like a baby. I only said that I wished I didn’t have to go to work the next day, because I was sure I would be getting notification that he passed. BUT that if I didn’t go to work, then I would just sit at home, dwelling and compulsively checking for updates – and that had already trashed my mental health for that day. So going to work would give me something else to focus on.

Yeah. I got the notification at 10:15 am at work, that Ray had passed. I was out on desk at the time, but thankfully there were no patrons in my area. I covered my face and swallowed my tears. I calmly packed up all my stuff and sought out Paul, our supervisor on Saturdays. (I really should do a break down on my coworkers and various supervisors). I told him that I had just been told that a dear friend had passed from COVID and that I needed to go home. I got choked up at the end of that.

I made it to my car before I broke down completely. I had to sit in my car for a good 10 minutes before I could get myself under control enough to drive home.

I wish I could have spent some time with my geese army. But I just needed to get home and curl up and work through my grief as it comes.

Letting Go

If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s to let go of things that I initially thought were Super Important, but turn out to be not-quite-so-important.

Typically, at this point in the year, I would be gearing up hard-core for my Tabula Rasa ritual. It’s a ritual I came across ages ago in a Sage Woman magazine. It’s a clean slate ritual. Essentially, you go through the past year, and tally up the good and the bad the past year brought you. You celebrate the good. You figure out where you could do better in regards to the bad. Then release the bad. You do a year ahead Tarot/Oracle reading and set your intentions for the coming year.

I say “typically”, because I’m not doing that this year. I kind of already checked in on my high points in my Christmas cards I sent out this year. With my mental state this year, I kept a firm eye on any and all achievements and reminded myself, that while the year may have been an utter shit show as a whole, there was still a lot of good packed into it all the same. I had a lot of things to be grateful for all the same. And I will NOT be tallying up the bad. Because, that will NOT be helpful AT ALL for my mental health right now. I know how dark it’s gotten for me at points. I know how to pull myself out of those (been doing that fucking year, thank you VERY much). And I know what to do in the future to hopefully turn the tides before they become that dark again. So why lay it all back out in stark black and white? Um, yeah, that’s a hard pass from me.

I will, however, write down the things I intend to leave behind in 2020 and gleefully burn those.

I think between my birthday goals (39 goals for my 39th year), plus 101 goals in 1001 days…I do believe I more than have a handle on setting my intentions for the coming year. I have my word of the year chosen. I just need to finish up the page on it. I’m debating between two different totems for the year. Normally, I would be bull-headed and just push through it and choose one. But, I’m letting go of that. Instead, I’m electing to sit back, and see which one takes the forefront.

Or perhaps, I am meant to have both of these totems for 2021. It wouldn’t surprise me. After all, 2020 changed its totem and its word half way through the year.

Recapping

Crazy times in the life of this Lil Wolf.

I got into a minor tiff with my quasi-supervisor because he elected to use a sanitizer that I specifically asked him NOT to use because I’m allergic to it. He used it anyways and said it would dry. Like that would negate any allergic reaction. ::rolls her eyes so damn hard:: Yeah, I made sure to clean it again with the cleaning alcohol we have, but I didn’t get it all. I ended up with mild hives on my wrists, between my fingers, and up my forearms.

AND, on top of that, he was switching out some of the shelves in the picture book area, and kept coming over to the desk to use STUPID amounts of hand sanitizer. Which I asked him, three times, that if he was going to use that stuff, to please not use it around me – because it triggers migraines. But of course, he completely ignored that as well. ::sighs::

So yeah, I ended up rocking a solid 3-day migraine off that. But, I talked to the Director about it and she removed those cleaning products from the youth desk AND apparently read him the riot act over it. Honestly, I get the feeling that he was “testing” my allergy to see if it was real or not. And, if I had a shred of proof beyond my gut feeling, I would be reporting his ass to our HR department so damn fast. That shit is NOT cool. If someone tells you they are allergic to something, or that something triggers a negative reaction (be it medical or otherwise), do NOT be a dick and “test” it. And seriously, if I get wind of any of my friends doing this, I will give them one hell of a verbal and/or physical ass beating over it with zero hesitation. That shit is NOT COOL AT ALL.

My feeding of the Canada geese continues to go extremely well. They now come when I yell out “GEESIES” and shake the bag of cracked corn I have. ::laughs:: I have people that stop and watch me, completely baffled, that they come when they are called. Baffled even more that I hand feed the flock. And even MORE baffled when I chide the various bully geese and turn my back on them and refuse to feed them until they behave. ::laughs:: But so far, no one has taken me up on my offer to share the goose food and let them hand feed the geese. ::grins:: Can’t imagine why.

Oh, and going back to the three-day migraine…I got a super awesome surprise. A pen pal sent me a plush Canada goose!

I look like crap in the photo, but, hey, a three-day migraine ain’t a walk in the park. But I was so happy with the gift, I had to share a photo of it on Facebook. Plus, my pen pal didn’t put who the gift was from, so I had to figure out who it was from. ::chuckles:: Wendy is awesome that way. Currently, the goose sits on the table I put my wallet and iPod on. I’m debating if it will go up to work to hang out in my cubicle, or if it will migrate up to my bedroom. I’m thinking work, because I don’t always get to feed my wild geese friends and some days, I seriously need my geese time.

I got a 40 cent raise at work that will kick in at the new year. But I also found out that I’m currently only making a dollar more an hour than the part time staff with zero library training or degree and that has seriously pissed me the fuck off. Like, I have a goddamn MASTER’S degree, and part time staff is making a dollar less than me? What the ever loving fuck? ALMOST makes me wish I had taken the job with the Da. Library – the pay was significantly higher. But they had to furlough the bulk of their staff, so I would have been out of job for part of this year. ::sighs:: Yeah, once the COVID shit is sorted, I will be looking for another job pronto.

Kidney

 

Yep, ended up being another kidney stone.  This shit AIN'T FUN AT ALL.  I could feel this one as it left my kidney and traveled to my bladder -- that's what all the side/back/hip pain was about.  But let me tell you, that was NOTHING compared to the final journey out of the body.  ::shakes her head::  Yeah, if I never have to do that again, it will be too soon.

Brandy, my Canadian Twin, recommended some natural supplements to help.  She's prone to kidney stones, and says this is a friggin' god send.  It helps lessen the stones formation over all, and make the stones that do form, form smaller, so they are much easier to pass.  I immediately hopped on Amazon and bought it -- price be damned.  

I've also looked into diet changes.  Gotta cut back on my salt intake and my sugar intake.  Ya know you are getting old, when your husband asks you want you want for Christmas and you say a blender and a food processor.  ::laughs::  With the blender, I'll be trying out some of Mary's smoothie recipes to up my fruit and veggie intake.  The food processor is because I plan to start my insane acorn processing journey soon!  And I am NOT grinding those damn acorns by hand to make into flour.  Hell to the no.  ::laughs::

Just need the weather to stay nice for a few days, so I can go collect a bunch of the burr oak acorns at my local library.  There's an oak tree by the library I work at that also has some big acorns (not as big as burr oaks), that I plan to gather up each time I go out to my car on break.  ::smiles::  I figure, I can gather quite a few throughout the day, each day that the weather is nice. 

Kidney or Ovary

I’m rocking either another kidney stone, or another ovarian cyst. Time will tell. But holy hell, this pain ain’t fun. Don’t worry, I am keeping an eye on it, and it if gets bad, I will take my ass to the ER. Or, if I’m still at this level of pain come Monday, I’ll make an appointment with my primary doctor. I am currently chugging water. Will be picking up pomegranate juice tomorrow.

I’m just writing down the notes right now, so I can know in case this happens again in the future. It’s been YEARS since I had an ovarian cyst rupture, so I’m not clear on what the symptoms where leading up to it.

Sharp pain, left side, about an inch in from the top of my hip bone. Also reflected on the same side on my back. Makes deep breathing a bit difficult at times. Pain comes in waves from a dull ache to a seriously sharp stabbing pain.

Mild pain in the groin area, about an inch above the pubis bone.

Rambles

Job

Feeling less “meh” about my job. I was just hitting my mental breaking point about the damn Holiday in a Bag kits. I was really feeling the pressure to get all 250 bags done asap. And there were so many roadblocks and screw-ups in the process that just continued to slow me down. I missed the deadline and I was really beating myself up over it.

Surprisingly, quasi-supervisor was super chill about it and told me not to sweat it. It will get done when it gets done. And if I needed any help with the kits, to feel free to rope in some of the part time staff in whatever use I needed. ::chuckles:: Once I actually got all the damn bags done, I felt immensely better.

I also celebrated my 1 year anniversary at the Library. Director told me that HR has FINALLY cleared her to hire on a part timer specifically to help out the Youth Department. Oh my lordy, that would be such a blessing. Apparently, Director has been pushing this for MONTHS and has just now gotten the green light. She didn’t want to say anything until she knew it was a go, so now she can list the job and hopefully start interviewing. Having a dedicated part timer to help out just with Youth stuff is going to be AMAZING. I am legit excited about the prospect.

November Full Moon
I opted not to make an oil this past full moon. Man, I was just feeling SO beat down and worn out. I just needed a break. I instead just rested, and basked in the glory of the full moon. And I’m noticing that with eclipses, I tend to have zero energy. I’ll have to keep an eye on that in the future and see if that continues to be a trend or not.

So, I’m already planning for December’s full moon (not until December 29th), but I’ll be trying my hand at the famous Van Van oil. I’ve gone ahead and ordered the two oils that I need for this particular magickal oil. I will be swinging by the local Pagan store to pick up the dried Lemongrass I need.

Apparently, Lemongrass repels mosquitoes as well. So I will certainly be looking into growing some of those in some planters for the spring and summer time. This plant apparently does well in planters and containers, so it would be nice to have a few pots around the back and front patios. Even if it doesn’t fully repel the mosquitoes, it’s supposed to have a very nice, light lemon aroma, so that will be nice. Plus, there’s the whole magickal side of it AND it makes a good tea, I hear. So yeah, lots of benefits to growing this little grass in the future.

Turkey Day
Didn’t go down to see my family for Turkey Day. Probably could have and would have been fine. But given how the COVID numbers here in the metroplex are EXPLODING and my particular city is going back into partial lock-down (one must have an appointment to enter any City building, must be wearing appropriate mask, AND will have a temperature check before allowed inside the building), I just didn’t feel comfortable risking it. I work with the public, and I would feel absolutely terrible if I unknowingly passed on COVID to my brother and his family, or to my mom.

Mom says Brother was actually pretty bummed that I didn’t come down. That melted my lil stone heart a bit. ::chuckles:: Hopefully, once we get a good vaccine going, we can go back to semi-normalcy of seeing each other 3 or 4 times a year again.

COVID
We got notification yesterday that one of our staff has tested positive for COVID. So yeah. That’s a fun bit of news. They are pretty sure the staff member hasn’t been to work in the time frame of being contagious, but aren’t 100% sure. And of course, they can’t say WHO it is either. So yeah, anxiety is riding a bit high right now.

Yule
With a coworker testing positive, I will certainly not be going to the Coven’s in person Yule ritual. I mean, I had already made up my mind that it wasn’t worth the risk, but this just seals the deal 100% for me. I was thinking I would just drop off the holly branches (for ritual) and the gifts at the High Priestess’s house beforehand, but that kind of defeats the purpose of not going to the ritual itself. So, I am thinking they will just have to make do without the holly. And I’ll mail them their gifts at a later date, once I’m beyond the 14 day mark, just to be safe.

I know, I know, I could just go get a COVID test, but those lines are so damn long these days, I would have to take an entire day off of work just to do that. And the current turn around wait in our County is 3 to 4 days. So yeah, I’m just going to do the whole “wait and see”. Probably not my smartest idea....but also definitely not the stupidest thing I’ve ever done either. ::chuckles::

Meh

I'm feeling a bit "meh" about my job and it's pissing me off.  All I'm pretty much doing at this point is all these fucking arts and crafts.  And it seems any time I try to step out of that role, I get into some sort of trouble.  Granted, it isn't major trouble.  But still.  I like feeling like I have room to grow and do new things.  I like having new challenges.  And I like feeling appreciated.

Not saying that I'm not appreciated at my job currently.  My director does regularly tell me she appreciates the hard work I do.  And quite a few of my coworkers do the same.  And certain patrons from time to time do as well.

But over all?  I just don't feel it.  ::shrugs::

I guess I'm just missing the direct impact I could see daily that I was having in the after school program.  Granted, that place had more than it's fair share of bullshit.  I definitely did NOT feel appreciated one bit by the higher ups.  But the parents, the teachers, and the kiddos definitely did appreciate me.  I miss having those connections with the students -- getting to see them progress from clueless lil kindergartners up to 5th graders with distinct personalities and opinions and senses of humor unique to themselves.  Even more so, when they would have younger siblings, so I would get to see the students that I had originally had has kindergartners, but are now in high school.

I also sorely miss working just part time for about the same pay as I'm getting working full time at the library.  Granted, the benefits at the library are better, and I don't have to worry about finding a job for the summer break, or having lean pay checks due to Winter Break, Spring Break, Thanksgiving Break, or the other various school holidays. 

Eh, enough of that.  I dunno.  I just feel like the core part of ME that makes ME ME is being eclipsed.  Like I'm hiding it instead of letting it shine.  And this job kind of requires it.  When people say shitty things (like how Black Lives Matters is a hate group just like the Klan) -- I am NOT ALLOWED to say anything back.  I am not allowed to speak up.  I'm not allowed to challenge them.  And I fucking hate that. 

I am a mouthy-bitch.  Ask anyone who knows me.  I speak up.  I've made it a point to speak up more.  Because my privilege shields me from a lot of the back-lash.  So I SHOULD speak up more, for those who cannot do so safely.  But my job requires me not to, and that just rubs me so fucking wrong.

Wisdom from Hannibal Lecter

Seriously potent dreams last night – all night. But the one that stood out the most:

I was a werewolf, down in a valley, in human form. I was there with my ex from high school (sweet guy), and a couple of friends. We were all walking up out of the valley, but I was scoping a good place to have sex. ::laughs:: And some of my friends there knew it.

And of course, one of them was interested in joining me for that endeavor. And my ex stood up and had this comical massive boner in his white pants. These two guys squared off, with this massive tents in their pants.

And I just started walking off to find a good place to have sex. I found a clearing with this cobalt blue stone ledge – almost like an altar stone. I thought this would be perfect. But then I saw another one higher up. And I just kept going higher and higher.

But the higher up this mountain I went, the less ground there was under the blue stone. And all these people, male and female are racing up this mountain after me. They all want to fuck me. I know this. And I, honestly, just want to be left alone.

I wrapped myself around an oak tree and begged them to stop. All their combined weight was going to bring the ledge crashing down. And sure enough, me and my oak tree crash down a good hundred feet to the ground.

I am back in wolf form and curled up in Hannibal Lecter’s (in Silence of the Lambs) lap. I told him that at least when I was a wolf, I knew that when they wanted to screw me, it was the strongest male and it was for the betterment of the species. But now? Now it was just a pissing contest.

He stroked my head. I told him I was tired of being a werewolf. I asked him if I stopped eating the pack food, if I could go back to being a regular wolf. He said that would indeed happen. I asked him what would my life look like. He told me, since I hadn’t grown up a wolf, I wouldn’t know how to be a wild wolf. So the best I could hope for was a zoo. A life in a cage.

He stroked my head again. He looked me in the eye and said “There’s no going back from enlightenment. But you CAN choose where you go forward with that enlightenment.”

And I woke up. Talk about some serious words of wisdom there.

Oils, Oils, and More Oils

An occult writer and creator that I follow on Facebook, The Nephilim Rising, shared a link to an online sigil maker. So quick and easy and FUN to use. I ended up goofing around on it, and typed in the name I am thinking of using for my shop (when I get around to opening it), and I immediately fell in LOVE with the sigil it created. It even aligns with the artwork I’m hoping to have turned into my logo. ::chuckles:: So I’ll find a way to incorporate the sigil into my logo design somehow.

And then, I had the grand idea of creating a sigil for each one of the oils I make. I could then print the oil’s sigil along with the name of the oil and attach that to the bottle of oil. You know, to give it just that little extra oomph to the magickal aspect. I friggin’ LOVE the idea and the sigils look pretty damn cool as well. And that’s the beauty of sigils. They are small and pretty easy to recreate.

The next oil I was intending to make was Van Van oil (a general all around good luck oil), but I came across an oil specifically for the New Year. I would love to get that one made and ready to go in time for 2021, so that’s what I’ll be making next. Van Van oil is pushed out until the December Full Moon.

I do need to sit down at some point and catalog all the oils and herbs I currently have. And then I need to figure out what magickal oils I want to make, so I know what supplies I will need. I REALLY need to clean off the white desk I have. It would be the perfect working altar area to dedicate solely to the creation of my magickal oils. It has plenty of shelf space for herbs and oils. And plenty of desk space for workings, mixing, blessing, and bottling.

Since I have Thursday and Friday off, I am focusing solely on boxing up and shipping out the Fiery Wall of Protection Oils. I have been procrastinating WAY too hard on that. But I have the boxes and the papers, and the charms and everything that I need/want, so there’s no reason for me NOT to get them all done. Just need to put the finishing touches on the bottles and mail them the fuck out already.

I also need to update my Oil Binder. I need to write down my Fiery Wall of Protection recipe. I have ugly notes scribbled down, but I want to rewrite it so it actually looks half-way decent and add it to my Tried and True section of my binder.

39 Goals

It’s a yearly tradition of mine to make a list of goals on my birthday – 1 goal for each year I am alive. So, since I’m turning 39 this year, here is my list of 39 goals.

Seeing as how 2020 was SUCH a curve ball, I’ve opted to keep quite a few of the goals small, to make them more achievable. Because, let’s be realistic. Even if we have a working vaccine by the end of the year, we will have a raging dumpster fire for a nation, and that isn’t going to change overnight.

So without further ado, here are my goals:
1. attend AD’s graduation
2. celebrate 15 years NSSI free anniversary
3. get my license to carry my handgun
4. celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary
5. do a photo shoot with Dee Hill Photography
6. celebrate every full moon
7. draw 52 snakes
8. make my own sourdough starter
9. try out acrylic fluid painting
10. visit a new-to-me Pagan store
11. have $8k in savings
12. grow my own sweet woodruff
13. plant 2 native plants for the hummingbirds
14. propagate a cutting from Mom’s peace rose bush
15. read 50 NEW books
16. use the elliptical 3 times a week
17. get a snake tattoo
18. blue hair
19. print my 2020 LikeBook
20. take a photography class
21. completely clean out my closet
22. properly organize my closet
23. four Zoo trips
24. work in my Grimoire once a week (minimum)
25. buy a printer
26. draw something every week (not including the snakes)
27. buy new sheets for my bed
28. try out 12 new magickal oils
29. buy 4 new towels
30. check out the Krav Maga place just down the street
31. send in a secret to PostSecret
32. print out my 2020 blog
33. celebrate my 40th birthday
34. collect all of the SoulTopia Crystal Oracle cards
35. visit the Japanese Botanical Gardens
36. get a new cell phone
37. research possibly starting my own etsy shop
38. re-watch The Last Unicorn and make a large bowl of popcorn to enjoy during the movie
39. reorganize my Starbucks card collection

Catching Up

Let’s see, it’s time to play catch-up once more.

Oil
Fiery Wall of Protection oil looks AMAZING now. She’s taken on this gorgeous red hue.

My lil bottles have arrived, and I’ve already sold THREE bottles. I’m so stoked. I have a feeling I should make this oil again soon, as I made it in a smaller jar than I’ve made my previous oils. I also need to type up my notes and get it finalized. This oil is nice and potent. When I was filling up the three bottles for a friend, I could FEEL the bottles heating up. I’m usually energy “deaf”, but I could feel my hands and the bottles literally getting HOT as I filled up each bottle. AWESOME. I’m super excited about this.

Husband’s Job
Last Friday, the company my husband works for, I’ll call it Company A, was bought out by Company B. This meant my husband was laid off. BUT, Company B brought him on immediately, to do the same job, at the same position, for the same pay. He also got to keep all of his current PTO and is getting a sign on bonus.

The kicker was that he had paperwork that he needed me to print out and bring home to him. Then he needed to sign it and get it emailed back to Company B. The sooner the better to ensure he got the sign on bonus. So I went up to work to scan husband’s paperwork.

Tire
I apparently picked up a nail or screw when I was up at work. It completely deflated my tire. I mean, flat as a damn pancake. ::sighs:: So Monday, I took my husband’s car to work.

Birthday
My birthday was Tuesday, and I had the day off. The ORIGINAL plan was to go to the zoo, but seeing as I had a completely flat tire, that was off the table. Instead, I went over to Discount Tire and got a brand new tire. Luckily, my tires are still under warranty, so it only cost me $16.50. Woohoo. Not too shabby.

The Rear-Ending
As I drove home from Discount Tire, I was waiting for the traffic to begin moving at a light that had just turned green. I happened to look up into my rear view mirror and saw this white car just barreling towards me. I’m in the middle lane with a massive truck in front of me. Nowhere to go. I was thinking to myself, “I do NOT want to start off my final year in my 30s in the fucking hospital.” Luckily, the car swerves into the left lane, clipping my car instead of full on hitting me. But yeah....merry fucking happy birthday to me:

Of course, when I get home, the last thing I want to do is leave the fucking house, so we opt to order Dominos and stay in. I get a lovely phone call from my brother with Lil Nephew, Lil Niece, and Littlest Niece to wish me a happy birthday. Plus my mom had called earlier in the day to sing me happy birthday. And I got tons of birthday well wishes on Facebook, so it wasn’t an overall terrible day. But yeah, was NOT leaving the house. ::chuckles::

I call work and tell them I won’t be in the next day (Wednesday), as I’m sore and will be playing with insurance companies all day to see what to do about my poor car.

Belated Birthday Dinner
Husband suggested we go to Red Lobster Wednesday for dessert. We end up just eating a nice meal. And we kept up our tradition of kissing on the veranda. We just did it 2020-style:

Car Repairs
It took a while, but they FINALLY got the claim released to the place I’m getting my car repaired at today. I’ll be dropping my car off on Monday, bright and early at 8:15 am. The insurance is also paying for a rental car. It should be at the repair place at 9 am (the earliest they could be there). I figure I will have to fill out some paperwork anyways and don’t mind waiting at that point.

Since I spent almost ALL of today on the phone with the insurance company AND the car rental place to get all of this squared away. And I still want to verify the car rental – hopefully I can do that online and won’t have to call. I’ll check that shortly so that if I DO have to call, I can get that done tomorrow before noon.

Reward
So as a reward for doing all the damn Adulting today and all the phone calls (I HATE talking on the phone), I have treated myself to a trip to the Zoo on Sunday. Their COVID-19 protocol requires you to buy the ticket in advanced, so I’ve already bought it. And I’ll print it at work tomorrow, and then go to the Zoo on Sunday. I’m excited about that. Can’t wait. I can’t remember the last time I was at the zoo. I need some photography and animal therapy.

Another Magickal Oil

The last ingredients finally arrived today so I was finally able to put the finishing touches on my Fiery Wall of Protection Oil.

She’s not my prettiest oil currently, but holy fuck, she smells AMAZING and will KNOCK your socks OFF.

I’m planning to shake it daily until the New Moon and then officially crack her open for use.

My hands smell strongly of cinnamon and dragon’s blood right now and I friggin’ LOVE it.

Now I just need to restock my collection little jars so I can share it friends. I’m thinking most likely, that this will be part of what I give to my coven-mates for Yule.

Feathered Friends

I spent part of my lunch break out feeding my feathered friends.

Alas, they were down at a part of the pond that has a steep drop off to the water, so I wasn’t able to get close enough to see if I could hand feed them this time around. But, progress is progress, and it’s a serious stress reliever for me, to just sit out there and feed them. Plus, we have a few new species of ducks out in the pond, so that was cool to see.

As long as the weather is nice on my lunch breaks, I plan to go out and feed them. I need to time to just relax and hang out with my feathered buddies and not think about anything other than just hanging out with them. ::smiles:: Plus, I’m still working towards my goal of petting a Canada goose and living to tell the tale. I’ve touched one, yes. But haven’t actually PET it just yet.

It reminds me – one of my uncles or cousins or someone related to me, had this special pond out at his house. And every day, at dusk, he’d go out and whistle. And within minutes, these HUGE catfish would come up to the surface of the water because they knew he was going to throw out food for them. I would like to do the same for my feathered friends. Some sort of whistle so they know it’s me and that I’m coming with food. ::smiles::

Migraine

Well, yesterday sucked ass. I woke up with a migraine. I popped all the prescription pills I could and thought I was good. The migraine subsided…until I got TO work. ::sighs:: And then it came back with a vengeance. But there was no way I could take any more at that point.

Doesn’t help that we are currently have the Library’s roof completely re-done. I don’t mean just new shingles. Oh no. Of course not. No, we are cutting off the roof in pieces. Then rebuilding that. And eventually we’ll get to the new shingles. ::shakes her head:: Yeah, definitely NOT a good place for a damn migraine. I ended up having to leave at 10:45. There was just no way I could stay.

I ended up coming home and sleeping until 2:45 pm. But thankfully, at that point, the migraine was gone. I was just left the with the “bruised brain” feeling after the migraine.

It’s been a bit since I’ve have one to that level.

Witches' New Year

 written: November 2nd

Oh my, where to begin? So much has happened.

I did end up going to Lil Hometown for the funeral for my Great Aunt. It was lovely…though very, very Christian. But then again…I’m pretty much the only non-Christian in a very Jesus-loving family, so it’s to be expected. ::chuckles:: Julie, my cousin, even came up to me before the funeral, specifically to check in with me, because she’s read my various Facebook posts about how my mental health has been spiraling out of control. I damn near started crying right there. I mean, here we are, burying HER grandmother, but she’s checking on ME.

I had a grand time hanging out with my Mom and her puppers. I FINALLY got the pups calm and still and practically asleep. Mom calls me the dog whisperer. Here’s a picture she snapped of me with the puppers:

I also got to pick up the pieces of the century plant that my Mom kept for me from when it bloomed. I have some log pieces and some pieces with dried flower pods on them. I figure this has GOT to be good for some longevity spell work. I mean, the plant only blooms once a century!

AND, I was also able to pick up the boar’s skull my Mom has also been holding onto for me as well.

Check out those damn tusks:

This skull has been exposed to the elements for the past two years, and yet those tusks are pristine white and still razor sharp. Feral hogs are NO joke here in Texas.

This guy, I’m going to clean up, paint some designs on, and then hang his skull up as a house guardian. Even my husband is pretty enthusiastic about the idea. I mean…who doesn’t want a feral boar spirit protecting one’s house? Doesn’t get more beefed up, more dangerous, or more territorial than that!

The day after the funeral, I got some quiet time out at the cemetery to just hang out with and chat with my grandparents at their grave. I gave them up an update on all the things going on in my life. I told them about the cool things David’s doing with the house, and funny stories from work. I told them how much I missed them both. And I reminded them that they are always welcome in my home. It doesn’t have to be Samhain for them to stop by. It was a nice visit with them.

Samhain for me was a bust.
Therapy that morning went really well. I like the therapist and she had some really good ideas and insights for me that I’ll be looking more into soon. I do however need to change my next appointments. I had my work days marked wrong on the calendar, so I’m actually working the days that I thought I had off, and thus had scheduled my appointments for those days. Hopefully, I can just switch those from the Saturday appointment to Friday and be all good.

I didn’t get around to getting a pumpkin and by the time I DID try to find one…there were none to be found. ::sighs:: I think this is like the 2nd year now that I’ve not had a jack o’ lantern. Oh well. And then…around 4 pm, I had a migraine come out of left field and just flat line me for a while.

So really....I didn’t do much for Samhain. I enjoyed the full moon. I watched Beetlejuice with my husband. I cuddled with my dog. But that’s about it.

And then yesterday (Nov 1st), I decide I’m going to make the Fiery Wall of Protection oil, as I still had time to harness the full moon energy. So I get all prepped to do that…only to realize I’m missing a key ingredient AND two oils. ::grumbles:: Like, really? SO, I’ve ordered the remaining items I need and should have them here by the end of the week (hopefully). But I went ahead and put together the dry ingredients and essential oils I DO have, so those can at least meld together and soak up that blue moon energy. Once the other ingredients arrive, I’ll add those in. As of right now, holy cow, this smells AMAZING.

I’m putting together a mini-binder for all my oil recipes. Some of the recipes require ingredients that I’ll be able to wildharvest in the spring, so I want to make note of that. Like, honeysuckle flowers. There are some major honeysuckle plants over by the old apartments that I’ll be able to harvest flowers from easily, without having to take all of the flowers for the recipe. Plus, the beauty of using a binder is that I can rearrange things as I see fit. And I need to make a little planner to put in it, to track the full moons for 2021, as that’s when I’m making my oils. And then I can just list what oils I’ll be making on what full moon.

Wheeeee

Man, my mental health this month has been one hell of a wild ass roller coaster ride.  It's been up and down and loopy-loop and just all over the damn place.  I've been disassociating two different ways -- either like I'm just watching myself going about my day, without any control over what my body is doing, or I'm losing complete chunks of time that I have ZERO clue what happened during that time period.  Anxiety has been through the roof.  There have been days I've taken to snapping a rubber band on my wrist for a multitude of reasons -- either to keep me from engaging in serious self-injury, or to bring me back to reality, or to make sure I'm not disassociating and that I CAN feel something.  Like seriously, guys, I'm NOT doing good here.

Add onto all of this, my great Aunt Carlene passed away this week from cancer.  We knew it was coming, so it's not a surprise.  And I wasn't particularly close to her either.  Honestly, I wasn't even planning on going to the funeral this weekend, but I haven't seen my Mom since....January?  Maybe February of this year?  And honestly, I seriously just want to see my Mom and hang out with her.  She's awesome.  And with me having this weekend off from work, it just works out.  So I'm going to my lil Hometown for the funeral, but mostly to see my Mom. 

Which...sadly, means I won't be doing the Coven Samhain.  I'm seriously bummed about this.  And honestly, I could feasibly make it back in time to attend the ritual.  But holy hell, I have like zero energy and I am running 100% on fumes, caffeine and nicotine and sheer will at this point.  After working all week.  And then driving 3.5 hours to Lil Hometown to do the funeral and hanging out with family.  And then driving back 3.5 hours HOME...driving 45 minutes to go do ritual?  Yeah....like, I was almost in tears just thinking about it because I'm THAT exhausted.

So yeah...sadly, I won't be doing the Coven Samhain.  But I seriously HAVE to take care of myself here.  I'm so close to completely shattering it's downright scary.  So I let the Coven know.  And honestly, the High Priestess was trying to talk me into still coming.  Acting like there was no reason I COULDN'T still come.  ::sighs::  And I get it.  We haven't had an in person ritual since February, but holy hell.  It was kind of insensitive to be honest.  Like, I told them the reason I couldn't be there was because I would be out of town for a FUNERAL.  And she was all like "how far away do you have to travel for it" and then was like, "oh you could totally make it back in time".  

Don't get me wrong.  It's nice that she's that keen about me being there.  But, I felt like everything I was going through and enduring and battling was just being swept aside as not important.  Or at least not as important.  And I haven't been exactly shy about posting what I'm going through on Facebook.  So yeah, I may be a little extra sensitive right now, but it just really rubbed me the wrong way and I've been a bit extra grumpy about it.  ::shrugs::  Welcome to my head-space.

 But in other news, I FINALLY did call and make an appointment with a shrink.  Woohoo go me!  I LOATHE making phone calls.  I will seriously go out of my way to NOT make a phone call if at all humanly possible.  But I did the hard thing, made the phone call, and I have my first appointment on Halloween.  ::laughs::  Of course it would be on Halloween of all days.  Granted, I COULD have gotten one on 27th....but it was an 8 am appointment.  Yeah, no thank you.  ::chuckles::  The Halloween appointment is at 10 am, which is a far more reasonable time of day.  Plus it still gives me the rest of the day to enjoy Samhain.

A Bright Spot

After the complete and utter shit-show and a HALF that today was at work, I came home and found this book waiting for me:

Thank goodness. I certainly needed a bright spot for today.

I can’t wait to start reading it. I’ve only read the introduction, and if the rest of the book is anything like the intro, this is going to become one of my top 10 favorite Pagan/Occult books of all times.

New Friends

So I made some new friends up at work today:

Yep, those are Canada geese. And yes, and they are eating out of my hand.

This originally started out as a random dream of mine. We have a number of Canada geese that hang out at the pond right beside the Library I work at. I had gone out to smoke and was able to get really close to them a while back. I got a nice photo of the flock and posted it on Facebook, stating that yes, I was totally That White Girl, and I wanted to pet one.

And of course, everyone commented about how it was an absolutely horrible idea. And how vicious and mean Canada geese are. Which, they aren’t wrong. Typical Canada geese are some of the meanest animals on the damn planet. But these are used to people and you can get quite close to them.

So I see a group of them while I’m out on my lunch break smoke and I decide this would be a good time to begin feeding them so they won’t see me as a threat. I figured if I did this long enough, eventually, I could befriend them.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when four of the flock came literally RUNNING over to me when they realized I had food. And when I went to toss the cracked corn, man, they started eating it out of my hand before I could even put it on the ground.

Now, not all of the flock was thrilled with having me there. I had the four piggies that were happy to eat everything out of my hand. I had another four that stood behind the piggies that would eat out of my hand if I would stretch out to them. I had one that hissed and pecked at me and would eat if I put the cracked corn on the ground. And then there were three that stood at the very back and wouldn’t come in close. At one point, I had my hand resting on the back of one of the piggies so the back four could eat.

So yeah, I got to pet my Canada goose.

The plan now is to befriend the entire flock of about 20 Canada geese. Nothing would be able to stop me at that point. ::cackles::

Witchy Photo Challenge Days 1 - 4

I’m doing a Witchy Photo Challenge again for the month of October.

Day 01: Full Moon

A page from my Book of Shadows / Grimoire on the Full Wolf Moon ritual I wrote and performed for the Coven. It also has a wolf pentacle necklace and my selenite wand in the photo.

Day 02: The Elements

I decided not to go with the four elements (Earth, Air, Fire, and Water) on this one this year. Instead, I went with the elements of Life and Death, portrayed by my lovely rose bush, Titan, and my beloved galaxy coyote skull painted by Divya Taxidermy.

Day 03: Goddess

Dua Sekhmet! This is my favorite icon I have of Sekhmet, my Lioness of the Sun.

Day 04: Crystal Magick

A little Totem friend. Yes, that is a tea light next to her, so you have a concept of how small she is. But do not let her small size fool you. She is mighty in spirit.

Witch Thoughts

I had a really good Virtual ritual with the Coven back on September 27^th.  I’m still figuring out what exactly I am allowed to share and what is Tradition Bound.  And then beyond that, there’s there whole, what I’m comfortable sharing and what I do not share with the greater public.  Once I suss that all out for myself, I’ll write about that.  But the big happy news is that we will FINALLY be doing our first, in-person ritual since February!  Seems fitting that it will be Samhain – the Witches’ New Year.  I’m beyond stoked for this.  Virtual rituals are all well and good, but there’s a whole ‘nother level achieved by doing rituals in person.  We will be adhering to the social distancing and wearing masks when the distancing can’t be done, but I’m so damn excited about this.

I had a wonderful chat with Hazel Nut the other night and some wisdom seriously flowed through me and I really wanted to document it.

2020 without a doubt has a been a bit of a shit year.

But for me, it’s easier to view my life as a tree.  2020 has been a year to really bring to light the branches in my life that are dead, diseased, rotting….just ones that need to be pruned and cut back for the overall health of the entire tree.  And while my tree now looks a bit meager and small and hacked back….everything I am left with is healthy and strong and vital.  I’ve pared down so much of my spiritual “noise” to just the core stuff that really matters.  I just need to finally get rid of the items I’ve collected over the years that no longer resonate with me.  I have a feeling that will occur here in the coming winter months.  I have a TON of wands (like, seriously, how I did I end up with so many damn wands????) – I will be selling those off and sending them on to their new homes.

I dunno…I just feel like all of this is finally crystalizing for me.  The “noise” is gone.  The “shoulds” are gone.  I’m done trying to do things to fit in, even within the Pagan community.  I’m not doing things for aesthetics or the prettiness.  I’m doing shit that works and honestly, that’s all that matters to me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love gorgeous altars and I may eventually return to that, as I see beautiful altars as a form of devotion.  But right now, they just aren’t on my radar.  I have practical, working, full on chaotic altars.  ::laughs::

And, I’m toying with the idea of possibly opening an Etsy shop to sell my oils.  I’ve received some seriously high praise on my two oils I make.  My Red Fast Luck Oil has always received high praise, but my first batch of Crown of Success has also done very well.  An ex-wife of a dear friend told me that it’s better than the oils she has sold in metaphysical shops she’s worked for in the past.  So I’m taking that as seriously high praise.  So why not try my hand at selling some?  I am not doing it to get rich quick, but it ends up paying for supplies to continue expanding into new oil recipes while making a bit of profit?  I would be so stoked.

Speaking of oils, the next one I’ll be working on will be a Fiery Wall of Protection Oil.  It just seems that so many of my friends (and myself) could seriously use this particular oil right now.  I plan to make that one on Samhain’s Blue Moon.  I figure that will be a damn good night to make a protection oil – I can call in the Ancestors and with it the Samhain and the second full moon of the month, there is going to be a shit-ton of powerful energy that night.  Plus, I have that day off of work, so I’ll have all day to prepare and make sure I have everything I need. 

Clarifying on The Ruffling

Duuuuuuuude.

Yeah, left on quite the high horse, didn’t I?  And then just poofed into the shadows for a while.  ::sighs::

Ok, gonna be quick on that, because there’s other shit I want to get to, but this has to be said first:

Apparently, I wasn’t just ruffling feathers….my own feathers had been seriously ruffled as well.  And I kind of went on a rant-page there.   

Sure, some of it, the Commenter did say.  But a lot of it she didn’t.  Quite a bit of it, actually, is more towards what society as a whole pushes mentally ill individuals into bad situations.  So yeah, I was a bit of the asshole there, not clarifying what She said, and what was just full blown rant on my part.  I apologize for that.

I did have another Commenter inquire as to why I refer to myself as crazy or to the group of Neuro-Divergent individuals as “crazies”, in a private note.  I explained to her it was kind of an empowering move, taking that term back.  Because, by society’s standard, I’m not Neuro-Typical, there for I’m “crazy”.  But it’s kind of like, taking that term back from the oppressor and making it a term of power.  ::shrugs::  I don’t know how to better explain it than that.  So yeah, while I may be ok with calling myself crazy, not all Neuro-Divergent individuals are.  And I’m only ok with it in certain situations.  So basically, it’s ok for me to call myself that, but you have to be really careful calling ME that as an outsider. 

It’s been really kind of awesome to have all the supportive notes.  And all the tips people have offered, should I hit a breaking point.  Like, my husband can call 911 and request EMTs and specially request NO cops be sent.  Thankfully, we do live really close to a hospital (like 4 blocks, I think), so if shit did go down, we could get there swiftly.

And the Original Commenter did clarify a lot of her original points, so I understand where she’s coming from.  I really think a lot of it was a breakdown in communication.  I’ve elected to make her original comments private because I’m seriously not trying to start a war here and don’t want anyone feeling like they need to go after her to protect me.  Trust me, I’ve got more than enough fight in me right now.  ::laughs::

Mental health, is and will always be, a hot button topic for me because it is something that effects every aspect of my life. 

Well, this certainly ended up being longer than I had anticipated, so the entry I really wanted to write will have to be written in another one.  ::smiles::  Hopefully, it won’t take me another 10 days or so to actually WRITE it.  ::laughs:: 

Yeah, that whole plan of writing 100 words a day for the month of September just did NOT work out at all for me.