Wheeeee

Man, my mental health this month has been one hell of a wild ass roller coaster ride.  It's been up and down and loopy-loop and just all over the damn place.  I've been disassociating two different ways -- either like I'm just watching myself going about my day, without any control over what my body is doing, or I'm losing complete chunks of time that I have ZERO clue what happened during that time period.  Anxiety has been through the roof.  There have been days I've taken to snapping a rubber band on my wrist for a multitude of reasons -- either to keep me from engaging in serious self-injury, or to bring me back to reality, or to make sure I'm not disassociating and that I CAN feel something.  Like seriously, guys, I'm NOT doing good here.

Add onto all of this, my great Aunt Carlene passed away this week from cancer.  We knew it was coming, so it's not a surprise.  And I wasn't particularly close to her either.  Honestly, I wasn't even planning on going to the funeral this weekend, but I haven't seen my Mom since....January?  Maybe February of this year?  And honestly, I seriously just want to see my Mom and hang out with her.  She's awesome.  And with me having this weekend off from work, it just works out.  So I'm going to my lil Hometown for the funeral, but mostly to see my Mom. 

Which...sadly, means I won't be doing the Coven Samhain.  I'm seriously bummed about this.  And honestly, I could feasibly make it back in time to attend the ritual.  But holy hell, I have like zero energy and I am running 100% on fumes, caffeine and nicotine and sheer will at this point.  After working all week.  And then driving 3.5 hours to Lil Hometown to do the funeral and hanging out with family.  And then driving back 3.5 hours HOME...driving 45 minutes to go do ritual?  Yeah....like, I was almost in tears just thinking about it because I'm THAT exhausted.

So yeah...sadly, I won't be doing the Coven Samhain.  But I seriously HAVE to take care of myself here.  I'm so close to completely shattering it's downright scary.  So I let the Coven know.  And honestly, the High Priestess was trying to talk me into still coming.  Acting like there was no reason I COULDN'T still come.  ::sighs::  And I get it.  We haven't had an in person ritual since February, but holy hell.  It was kind of insensitive to be honest.  Like, I told them the reason I couldn't be there was because I would be out of town for a FUNERAL.  And she was all like "how far away do you have to travel for it" and then was like, "oh you could totally make it back in time".  

Don't get me wrong.  It's nice that she's that keen about me being there.  But, I felt like everything I was going through and enduring and battling was just being swept aside as not important.  Or at least not as important.  And I haven't been exactly shy about posting what I'm going through on Facebook.  So yeah, I may be a little extra sensitive right now, but it just really rubbed me the wrong way and I've been a bit extra grumpy about it.  ::shrugs::  Welcome to my head-space.

 But in other news, I FINALLY did call and make an appointment with a shrink.  Woohoo go me!  I LOATHE making phone calls.  I will seriously go out of my way to NOT make a phone call if at all humanly possible.  But I did the hard thing, made the phone call, and I have my first appointment on Halloween.  ::laughs::  Of course it would be on Halloween of all days.  Granted, I COULD have gotten one on 27th....but it was an 8 am appointment.  Yeah, no thank you.  ::chuckles::  The Halloween appointment is at 10 am, which is a far more reasonable time of day.  Plus it still gives me the rest of the day to enjoy Samhain.

A Bright Spot

After the complete and utter shit-show and a HALF that today was at work, I came home and found this book waiting for me:

Thank goodness. I certainly needed a bright spot for today.

I can’t wait to start reading it. I’ve only read the introduction, and if the rest of the book is anything like the intro, this is going to become one of my top 10 favorite Pagan/Occult books of all times.

New Friends

So I made some new friends up at work today:

Yep, those are Canada geese. And yes, and they are eating out of my hand.

This originally started out as a random dream of mine. We have a number of Canada geese that hang out at the pond right beside the Library I work at. I had gone out to smoke and was able to get really close to them a while back. I got a nice photo of the flock and posted it on Facebook, stating that yes, I was totally That White Girl, and I wanted to pet one.

And of course, everyone commented about how it was an absolutely horrible idea. And how vicious and mean Canada geese are. Which, they aren’t wrong. Typical Canada geese are some of the meanest animals on the damn planet. But these are used to people and you can get quite close to them.

So I see a group of them while I’m out on my lunch break smoke and I decide this would be a good time to begin feeding them so they won’t see me as a threat. I figured if I did this long enough, eventually, I could befriend them.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when four of the flock came literally RUNNING over to me when they realized I had food. And when I went to toss the cracked corn, man, they started eating it out of my hand before I could even put it on the ground.

Now, not all of the flock was thrilled with having me there. I had the four piggies that were happy to eat everything out of my hand. I had another four that stood behind the piggies that would eat out of my hand if I would stretch out to them. I had one that hissed and pecked at me and would eat if I put the cracked corn on the ground. And then there were three that stood at the very back and wouldn’t come in close. At one point, I had my hand resting on the back of one of the piggies so the back four could eat.

So yeah, I got to pet my Canada goose.

The plan now is to befriend the entire flock of about 20 Canada geese. Nothing would be able to stop me at that point. ::cackles::

Witchy Photo Challenge Days 1 - 4

I’m doing a Witchy Photo Challenge again for the month of October.

Day 01: Full Moon

A page from my Book of Shadows / Grimoire on the Full Wolf Moon ritual I wrote and performed for the Coven. It also has a wolf pentacle necklace and my selenite wand in the photo.

Day 02: The Elements

I decided not to go with the four elements (Earth, Air, Fire, and Water) on this one this year. Instead, I went with the elements of Life and Death, portrayed by my lovely rose bush, Titan, and my beloved galaxy coyote skull painted by Divya Taxidermy.

Day 03: Goddess

Dua Sekhmet! This is my favorite icon I have of Sekhmet, my Lioness of the Sun.

Day 04: Crystal Magick

A little Totem friend. Yes, that is a tea light next to her, so you have a concept of how small she is. But do not let her small size fool you. She is mighty in spirit.

Witch Thoughts

I had a really good Virtual ritual with the Coven back on September 27^th.  I’m still figuring out what exactly I am allowed to share and what is Tradition Bound.  And then beyond that, there’s there whole, what I’m comfortable sharing and what I do not share with the greater public.  Once I suss that all out for myself, I’ll write about that.  But the big happy news is that we will FINALLY be doing our first, in-person ritual since February!  Seems fitting that it will be Samhain – the Witches’ New Year.  I’m beyond stoked for this.  Virtual rituals are all well and good, but there’s a whole ‘nother level achieved by doing rituals in person.  We will be adhering to the social distancing and wearing masks when the distancing can’t be done, but I’m so damn excited about this.

I had a wonderful chat with Hazel Nut the other night and some wisdom seriously flowed through me and I really wanted to document it.

2020 without a doubt has a been a bit of a shit year.

But for me, it’s easier to view my life as a tree.  2020 has been a year to really bring to light the branches in my life that are dead, diseased, rotting….just ones that need to be pruned and cut back for the overall health of the entire tree.  And while my tree now looks a bit meager and small and hacked back….everything I am left with is healthy and strong and vital.  I’ve pared down so much of my spiritual “noise” to just the core stuff that really matters.  I just need to finally get rid of the items I’ve collected over the years that no longer resonate with me.  I have a feeling that will occur here in the coming winter months.  I have a TON of wands (like, seriously, how I did I end up with so many damn wands????) – I will be selling those off and sending them on to their new homes.

I dunno…I just feel like all of this is finally crystalizing for me.  The “noise” is gone.  The “shoulds” are gone.  I’m done trying to do things to fit in, even within the Pagan community.  I’m not doing things for aesthetics or the prettiness.  I’m doing shit that works and honestly, that’s all that matters to me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love gorgeous altars and I may eventually return to that, as I see beautiful altars as a form of devotion.  But right now, they just aren’t on my radar.  I have practical, working, full on chaotic altars.  ::laughs::

And, I’m toying with the idea of possibly opening an Etsy shop to sell my oils.  I’ve received some seriously high praise on my two oils I make.  My Red Fast Luck Oil has always received high praise, but my first batch of Crown of Success has also done very well.  An ex-wife of a dear friend told me that it’s better than the oils she has sold in metaphysical shops she’s worked for in the past.  So I’m taking that as seriously high praise.  So why not try my hand at selling some?  I am not doing it to get rich quick, but it ends up paying for supplies to continue expanding into new oil recipes while making a bit of profit?  I would be so stoked.

Speaking of oils, the next one I’ll be working on will be a Fiery Wall of Protection Oil.  It just seems that so many of my friends (and myself) could seriously use this particular oil right now.  I plan to make that one on Samhain’s Blue Moon.  I figure that will be a damn good night to make a protection oil – I can call in the Ancestors and with it the Samhain and the second full moon of the month, there is going to be a shit-ton of powerful energy that night.  Plus, I have that day off of work, so I’ll have all day to prepare and make sure I have everything I need.