Fire in the Soul

I woke up with a fire in my heart once more.  I woke up with the desire to kick my depression to the cub.  And even though I am MONTHS behind in my daily writing, I am wiping the slate clean and starting where I am at in this moment.

I’ve become so caught up in my quest for The Perfect.

The Perfect journal.

The Perfect pen.

The Perfect moment.

The Perfect inspiration.

The Perfect song.

The Perfect scent.

The Perfect candle.

The Perfect ritual.

I was so bound up in finding/achieving The Perfect that it morphed into The Perfect DISTRACTION.  And that is what I’ve come to realize The Perfect is.  Under all its rules and ILLUSIONS…it is merely a distraction.

Damn I was naïve, choosing Owl as my totem this year.  I thought it was going to be more about academic wisdom.  But how is wisdom gained?  By being confronted with illusions and deceptions, both from the World and from the Self, and by finally seeing them for what they are.  That is what Owl does when it teaches on how to See in the Dark.

I am definitely smarter now than I was at the beginning of the year.  But it certainly has not been a smooth or easy road.  But I guess it does take a lot of extra work to finally get yourself out of a rut you’ve been creating for close to 10 years…

Onwards and upwards!

The Slide

My pup just slid off the couch…asleep....head first. ::laughs::

She was sleeping between David and I (as we watched Dead Pool.....again....yes), and kept inching her way down the couch. I kept pulling her back up when her head was dangling off…

But then we got caught up in the movie…and the pup did one last stretch....and slipped right off. ::dies laughing:: Last we saw was her lil white hind paws disappearing over the edge of the couch.

Not too far of a fall, and she was tangled in blankets which slowed the slide a bit. ::shakes her head:: Goofy ass dog.

Puppy

So after my trip to the Zoo yesterday, the Hubs commented that he really wanted to go look at dogs. I had mentioned going to the FM Animal Shelter a while back, and apparently he had his heart set on doing that.

Given that Holly was his dog, I am following his lead on this. If he feels he’s ready for another dog, then we’ll do it.

We walked in and he immediately fell in love with “Sassy”.

 

 

Which is beyond hilarious, because he was so adamant anytime I brought up the subject, that he did NOT want a pit bull.

And “Sassy” (we are renaming her Josey instead) is a pit mix.

So we’ll be bringing her home Monday morning. David had to repair our fence. It worked great for Holly, who wouldn’t cross any boundary once she was made aware of it…but I don’t think it would contain our new dog.

Zoo Time

written: May 14th

So I finally made a return visit to the Zoo. I can’t remember the last time I was there. But this is something I’m wanting to get back into the habit of doing. It generally makes me quite happy.

This time around though? So friggin’ packed. Everyone and their damn dog decided to visit the Zoo that day. ::sighs:: So I only stayed an hour and a half, but it was a great visit.

One of the red wolves was up and moving – I was able to get some decent photos of that. The bushmaster was really intrigued by me again, so I got some good photos of that as well.

But the crowning glory?

 

Hanging with my favorite pair of raptors. And being gifted with this:

That alone, made the entire day worth it. Worth the hundreds upon hundreds of people there. Made it worth the screaming and crying children. The rude people. The aching knees (geez, when did I get so old?), and the crazy Texas road construction.

WORTH IT.

Log Jam

All my desire to journal has dried up.  Seems I wrote the entry about having to say good bye to Holly (old lady dog), and the words died with it.

I’ve been doing the mindless sharing, the shallow talking on Facebook, but I couldn’t write journal entries – digital or “analog” even.  So I’m forcing myself to do it now, hoping this will open up the logjam in my brain.

So let’s begin with a late Thankful Thursday.

I am thankful…

1.       Beautiful weather, both the sunny days and the stormy ones.  Both make me happy.

2.       Reached out to Sandi and Roni (two ladies I worked with last summer with the Tech Department), touching base and putting out feelers if the Temp Tech Job will manifest again this summer.  Both were THRILLED to hear from me and are actively trying to find out if they can hire me back. 

3.       For the $50 or so that I spent at Bath & Body Works last year, so I have a wide array of smell-good stuffs. 

4.       That I have coping mechanisms that are like second nature now to help pull myself out of a funk and to redirect SI compulsions before they spiral out of hand.  Still going strong on my decade of being SI behavior free.

5.       That the very first scratch off lottery ticket we bought in the new house – EVERY slot was a winner!  We ended up winning $50 off that $2 ticket…which was promptly put on our Starbucks card.  ::laughs::

6.       The covered swing bench David bought us.  We LOVE sitting out on it, while he smokes, and just relax.

7.       The two B’s I got in my first semester of grad school.  I’ve learned that they really do mean it when they say that 6 hours of grad school is equal to 15 hours of undergrad.  But with that under my belt now, I know what’s required of the following semesters.

8.       Our lil house.  Every day, I come to love it more and more.  This truly is home for us.

9.       That even though my wolf medallion necklace that I’ve had for 16 years or so now, finally broke…it broke in a way that I didn’t lose any of the beads.  Now I just have to restring it all.

10.   The awesome book one of my students surprised me with: “The Dog Master” by W. Bruce Cameron.  It has dogs, wolves, prehistoric man, anthropology, and archeology in it.  I couldn’t have picked out a better book for myself!  ::laughs::  I have no idea how Todd managed to find the most perfect book for me.

Good-bye Holly

So yesterday was a rough day all around.

Yesterday, we had to say good-bye to Old Lady Dog.  And while there is no doubt in our minds that she was more than ready to go, I still feel a little guilty for it.

I’m glad I’m the one that handled most of the paperwork and what not.  I’m the one that called the mobile vet and set up the appointment.  I can handle the twinge of guilt for doing all of that, so that my husband doesn’t.

This was his absolute best friend for the past 13 years.  And the loss is hard enough on him without him having to carry any guilt that he called the vet, that he set the time and date for Holly’s “release”, that he signed the paperwork and paid for the service that ended her life.  I don’t know if he could have carried that as well as the grief.

And while it was sad and heartbreaking, and a bit pricey, I believe that having Holly euthanized at home, on her own bed, in her own territory was the best decision.  At this point in her life, she could barely walk, it was so painful.  So to force her to get into a car, ride to the vet’s office (that she’d come to absolutely HATE because she was in so much pain every time she went there), to force her to walk on those slick ass floors (or have David carry her), to then be euthanized far from home, in a place she hates/fears?  I couldn’t do that to her.  She deserved so much more than that.  So yes.  I paid $475 to have a vet come out to the house and put her down, so she would be as comfortable as possible.  And if I had to make the decision all over again, I’d go the same route, but I would probably end her suffering that Monday, instead of waiting until Thursday.  

I willingly took on a lot of the burden in this situation, because it was the nicest thing I could possibly do for my husband.  I helped the vet carry Holly’s body out to the van.  David opted not to have her individually cremated and have her ashes returned to us.  We chuckled when the vet asked us if we wanted to keep a clipping of her fur.  We told her that with the way Holly sheds all the time, we have MORE than enough fur everywhere.  The vet did do a paw print impression in some clay for us.

By 11 am, Holly was completely gone.  And we spent the rest of the day grieving.  David wanted to go to Lowes to buy the covered swing bench for the front porch and I had taken the day off of work to be with him, so we did just that.  We ended up looking at plants/trees as David wanted to plant one in Holly’s memory.  We weren’t going to buy one until we came across the Black Diamond Crape Myrtles – and we grabbed a “Red Hot” one.  It’s beautiful – dark black-green foliage and it will have brilliant rocket red blossoms when it matures.  We plan to plant it this weekend.

I want to write a beautiful tribute to Holly, but it’s just too fresh right now.  Maybe next week.

All I know right now, is that I would give anything to have her sitting at my feet, begging for food.  I’d give anything to be able to take her for a walk right now because the day is so beautiful.  Hell, I’d be ok with one more of her god-awful farts or stepping in one of her drool puddles while wearing socks.  I miss that lil asshole more than I thought I would.