Rumble Bumble

Welp. November came and went. Kind of in a blur, but also dragging out to the final second at the same time. I dunno. This November was just a weird month all around.

So yeah, turned 42 years old this November. I kept up my yearly tradition of treating myself to a good hair cut (cut a good 18 to 20 inches off my hair) and getting something new color-wise. This year, we’re going for platinum white in my hair. And I say going for because we are doing it the smart way and NOT trying to crisp the shit out of my hair. Some parts of it are platinum, but most are the brassy red/gold. So I’ll go back in January to re-bleach those parts to hopefully get up to that platinum white I’m wanting. And who knows how long the white will last before dump some color (most likely blue) on it. ::chuckles::

I’m hitting the end of year blues. All the things I wanted to accomplish but didn’t. And yet, there is the excitement of the new year and making new goals. Just an interesting dichotomy of emotions.

Speaking of emotions. It’s so weird to have them. ::chuckles:: I mean, experiencing them as they arise, instead of being muffled by the weight of depression mushing them down and keeping them small. So that’s an interesting thing I’m having to learn. But hey, I would MUCH rather be learning how to deal with emotions than be under the crushing weight of depression deadening everything in my life.

Working on my 2023 in Review. Basically, I go back through all my planners, calendars, journals, etc. and pull out the things that stand out – the good and the bad. This will go into the end of 2023’s bullet journal and is the foundation of my Tabula Rasa ritual.

Aaaaaand I’ve lost the steam to continue writing.

Oh, oh, oh WAIT! So yeah, there’s this YouTuber I adore – Ivy the Occultist – and she’s doing a 12 Days of Yule video challenge. And I’m so stoked about it. I do plan to record some videos out of order and before the day they are “due”, so that I can be sure to get them all done, but seriously. Super stoked. I may also end up journaling about each topic as well (depending on how pumped up I am).

Without further ado, here are the days & topics:
The schedule for uploading videos is as follows:
12/21 Share A Winter Solstice Ritual/Tradition
12/22 Share Your Altar or Decorations
12/23 Reflect On The Last Year Of Your Practice
12/24 Yule Divination, Crafts, or Charms
12/25 Feast Magick, Share A Recipe or Potion
12/26 Reflect on Death & Rebirth In Any Way
12/27 Connecting To Your Land In Winter
12/28 Spirits of Yule… Who Do You Work With?
12/29 Share Your Winter Glamours
12/30 Share A Winter Candle Spell
12/31 Share A Self Care Ritual For Winter
1/1 Where will your occult practice go next?

Samhain Ponderings

 

It's just fitting to have this realization on Samhain night, the claimed "Witches' New Year".

I've been in a bit of a stall, of a slowly descending spiral, feeling trapped and panicking, but not know WHAT is trapping me and thus having no idea on how to get OUT of said trap.

I've given myself a new lease on life, now that I have completed TMS treatments.  My depression is barely a blip on the radar most of the time.  I'm also turning 42 this year, which kind of feels like a BIG thing.  I guess since I didn't bat an eye at hitting the big 4-0, maybe I'm just a late bloomer for that and am just now feeling that milestone.

But yeah, big, life-changing things and finally feeling like I have a LIFE worth living...  A massive LIFE change there.
And yet, I just felt like I was flailing around while being completely STAGNANT.

And it hit me last night....

Typically, BIG life changes, such as on-set of menstruation, getting married, giving birthday, entering menopause, become a grandmother, etc....these are marked with a RITUAL of some sort.  Something that defines the Before and the After.  And this?  This is a BIG transition in my life.  And it DESERVES a ritual, a ceremony, SOMETHING to mark this occasion in a big way.

My spiritual practice has been merely theoretical for a while now.  Arm chair witchcraft.  A lot of thinking and pondering and contemplating...but ZERO action.  Zero DOING of witchcraft.

So yeah.  I was thinking of skipping my annual Tabula Rasa ritual this year.  But I think it's more important than ever to do it this year.  And I'm thinking it needs a FULL ritual, instead of the bland "meh" I've done the past few years.

Currently

 

Two people I absolutely adore, do this each month and I am finally gonna hop on the bandwagon.

Current Accomplishment: Starting to really get into decluttering my room; called Mom and sung her our “Merry Happy New Birthday song”.

Current Annoyance: That I can’t draw as well as I would like. Like, I’m seeing improvement….but I’m not nearly to the level I want.

Current Bane of My Existence: all this damn HEAT (hello, Texas? It’s friggin’ OCTOBER. Can we PLEASE drop down into the 80s now?). The other part of that is that the a/c kinda-sorta works at the Library, but not really? So yeah, that’s not any fun either.

Current Blessing: having the last couple of days off from work. I took Friday and Saturday off due to our anniversary, and the Library is closed Sunday and Monday, so I’m enjoying a lovely 4-day weekend.

Current Book(s): ::laugh/cry:: Yeah, I haven’t read much of anything. Focus just isn’t there.

Current Clothing Thoughts: Currently loving soft t-shirts. I do need to purchase some new items for my wardrobe soon though.

Current Color(s): standard color is always gray, but have been liking dark red as well

Current Crush: anyone wearing horns. I definitely need to buy myself a pair to wear.

Current Drink: Sprite – deviating from my constant coffee addiction at the moment

Current Excitement(s): beginning of Spooky Season! LOVE it! AND sorting out how I want to get my hair cut and what color I’ll be going with on my birthday.

Current Feeling: A bit restless

Current Fetish: listening to certain songs on repeat. Hmm, I think horns could go here as well.

Current Films: Guardians of the Galaxy 3. I know this is gonna make me sound old, but what the fuck is up with all the spinning shots? I have to close my eyes or look away because it makes me sick.

Current Food: Strawberry poptarts

Current Goal: getting back into my journaling/blogging practice. Also, would like to actually do some Tarot/Oracle deck flip throughs on my YouTube channel.

Current Guilty Pleasure: JOURNALS and SKETCHBOOKS. I have MORE than enough. Seriously. I’m good. I don’t NEED any more. ::chuckles::

Current Image(s):

Currently Listening To: the airplanes overhead and the neighborhood dogs

Current Love: these lil madeleine brownies David picks up at Target. Soooo good. And I don’t generally even LIKE brownies. ::chuckles::

Current Mindfuck: that it’s been 14 years since I said “I Do” in Vegas to my best partner in crime. How the fuck has it been FOURTEEN years???

Current Mood: Honestly? Pretty mellow.

Current Music: Devil by Phix (boy with tats and horns? Don’t mind if I do). Triggered by SkyDxddy (along with her cover of Dax’s Joker). Oh and Unhinged by Elyse Myers.

Current Music Video: Definitely SkyDxddy’s cover of Dax’s Joker.

Current Outfit: soft t-shirt, this FABULOUSLY comfortable (and SOFT) active wear pants

Current Project: getting my October Bullet Journal set up and ready to go. Also setting up a “journal” journal for the beginning for 2024. Oh, and working on hashing out birthday goals and 101 goals.

Current Reason(s) to Laugh: it’s always a toss up between something off the wall and/or hysterical my husband says or does; or something goofy my puppers does

Current Reason(s) to Smile: beautiful no-longer-quite-full moon rising in the sky, and that it isn’t BALLS HOT once the sun goes down. That’s “autumn” for ya in Texas. ::chuckles::

Current Self-Care: Doing pretty good with face cleaning (both in the morning AND in the evening) and brushing my teeth – rather proud of that, as those have never been an honest to god habit, like everyone else seems to have.

Current Self-Image Thoughts: that I look pretty damn amazing for someone of my age AND with how much I suck at taking proper care of myself. ::laughs::

Current Slang or Saying: “Ah the sounds of the Library” (complete with screaming children, fire/police/ambulance sirens {due to us being very close to a police station, fire station, AND a hospital}, various levels of swearing from our mentally unstable patrons, and anything else that is NOT relaxing noises). “Never a dull day” is running a close second.

Current Song Lyrics:
I shouldn’t take things so serious
I don’t think they mean any harm
But it would sicken you too
If it happened to you
And you had to relive every part
Here come the flashbacks
And the panic attacks
How long does that shit last I’m losing myself by the day see
And I know you all think that I’m crazy
~Triggered, by SkyDxddy

Current Triumph: having completed TMS treatment. Seriously, if you suffer from chronic depression, look into TMS. It’s been a game changer for me.

Current TV Show(s): we just finished watching all 8 seasons of Suits. So good! I’m also watching Ancient Aliens.

Current Wish List: a personal maid and chef. Everything else, I can handle. But having those? That would be AMAZING. If we are being “reasonable” I would say, some nice boots, a few more “professional” tops, and a whole slew of bookshelves to house my various journals and sketchbooks.

Current Worry: my brother is going through some health issues.

Hurray Spooky Season

I’m trying to get back into the habit of journal keeping.  Guess you can say it’s a goal right now.

I’m currently working on my upcoming birthday goals.  Trying to keep them reasonable, but still a few to push me outside my comfort zone.  Also hashing out a 101 goals in 1001 days as well.  Sometimes, I just need things to look forward to.  Things to hope and strive for.

September 30^th marked my 14^th wedding anniversary.  Fourteen years married, 16 years TOTAL together.  Just crazy, when you think about it.  I cannot believe it’s been 14 years since we got hitched in Vegas.  ::chuckles::  I’m currently working towards getting us back to Vegas for our 15^th anniversary.

I know I will kick myself later on down the road about not writing more about TMS, but man, it’s a game changer for me.  I am having to come to terms with somethings about myself.  But it’s easier now.  Like, I have the motivation and the ENERGY to actually DO things.

I’ve been decluttering my room.  It honestly, has just been a dumping ground for everything over the past couple of years.  And I know that’s a major reflection of how my mental health was taking such a massive ass beating.  And I didn’t even realize how BAD it was.  But looking at all the useless SHIT I have in my room now?  Yeah, it was bad.  BUT, this gives me a marker to use in the future.  If I just start piling things up and not even LOOKING at what I’ve purchased?  Then I need to stop and really, REALLY check in with myself.

I need to revamp the affirmations I do.  I have the ones from my TMS sessions taped up on my bathroom mirror so I can see them every day.  And somedays, I go ahead and read each one out loud to myself before I go to work.  But, most of them no longer resonate with me.  And I think 15 affirmations is just too much as well.  So, I need to figure out what I want there instead.

I’ve also taken to reading my Spirit Companions’ names out loud.  Usually, I do this as a part of my winding down, getting ready for bed routine.  I just have so many at this point, that I kind of forget who is who.  So I have their names, plus their species written down on a piece of paper that is also tapped to my bathroom mirror (it’s a huge mirror).  I have a white 7-day candle in there that I’ll also light while reading the names, as a small offering to them all.

Work is still work.  ::shrugs::  But I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon.  I just don’t require self validation from my job.  It’s my job, not what I’m deriving my sense of self-worth from.  I’m still hoping that a position opens up at the library in my town.  That’s the IDEAL job at this point, as it would be a 5-minute drive TOPS to get there from my house.  ::chuckles::  Lort, that would be AMAZING. 

Other than that….hurray for official spooky season!

Out of Practice

Lort, I really fell off on writing here.  I wish I could say it was due to me writing so much more in physical journals, but that would be a lie.  Other than bullet journaling to keep my tasks straight, I have done ZERO journaling.

I dunno.  It's like my desire to write is there, but just not the motivation to actually DO said writing.

Like, I started this entry 3 hours ago and just walked away from it at the end of the previous sentence because I just didn't "want" to continue writing.  Makes me worry that another round of depression may be on the horizon.

Let's catch up on all The Things.

TMS
I completed my TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) program August 23rd.  Definitely bitter sweet as Suzanne, my Tech, was on vacation, so Kari is the one that finished it up.  They gave me a folder that has EVERYTHING broken down that we did in each session, from the book on CD to the TED Talks we watched, so that's really awesome.  It's just so weird to NOT be going to the TMS clinic each morning, as it was a staple for all of July and August.

I have seen a major difference in my moods since completely TMS.  My depression has times that it's completely gone.  Like, COMPLETELY.  Like, there isn't even the shadow of depression.  It's so weird and catches me off guard at times.  But hell, the treatment was DEFINITELY worth the time, effort, and money.

Woodshed Guitar Experience

So after my last TMS treatment, we got on the road, headed to Tennessee.  Hubs wanted to attend the Woodshed Guitar Experience in Crossville, TN.  It ended up being pretty cool.  I'll share photos of that at some point.  I haven't even downloaded them to my computer or anything.

Aaaaaaand, now it's two days later and I'm just now swinging back this way.  ::chuckles::  I'm coming back from the emotional dip and I think I'm back on track once more.  ::fingers crossed::  Let's hope so! 

Update Thingy

TMS check-in/update Thingy

Still going strong with TMS. I have 16 sessions left.
For the most part, it’s great. But yeah, going 5 days a week is beginning to wear on me. I can only handle so much happy, mindfulness training. Which, I’m sure says something about me. But I’m nothing if not contrary. So yes, the information I’m learning, the techniques are good. But yeah, after day 3…I’m snarky as fuck, and I have to do my best to keep that…tolerable. ::chuckles::

Still adore my TMS tech. She’s just super ADHD fabulous. No, seriously, she has ADHD and ALL OF THE ENERGY. So I can be a bit of a vampire and siphon off some of that energy for myself.

So yes. Still going strong. Most of the time, the treatment itself isn’t even painful any more. Just annoying. But even then, I can tune it out most of the time.

August Trip
The August trip we’ll be taking to Tennessee is looming on the horizon. I’m seriously looking forward to the trip, even if it isn’t something I would ever go to on my own. It’s a guitar thing that my husband is positively giddy about going.

Me? I’m planning to hit a zoo. Maybe some other sights. I’m hoping to meet up with Kimberly at least one of the days I’ll be up there. Another long-time journaling friend that I have never met in person. But I’m hoping to, this trip through Tennessee.

Avatar: The Way of Water
Finally got to watch this, and I adore it. It’s just an overall beautiful movie. I know, it has its faults. But man, it tugs at my heart strings....and my SOUL strings. Movies like that always leave me....ungrounded. What I wouldn’t give to have that kind of connection with animals. The only thing that would be better? Is if I was a shapeshifter.

Eh movies like that always leave me feeling a bit lost. They have me longing for something....more.

100 Days of Art
Yep, still going strong. Completed Day #96. I can’t believe I’ve stuck it with this entire time. And I can’t believe it’s almost over. I plan to extend it, and go for another 100 days. I also joined a FB group for local Urban Sketchers. I’m wanting to branch out and try this type of art out as well. I’m really enjoying the fuck out of this.

I’ve also been reading An Illustrated Journey: Inspiration from the Private Art Journals of Traveling Artists, Illustrators, and Designers, by Danny Gregory. And I just absolutely adore it. And it’s seriously inspiring. I want to have my own sketch travel journals.

Speaking of Art
Continuing the art thought train, but being its own separate train....I stumbled across a “Painting for Beginners” channel on YouTube. Completely by accident. But, the painting it offers is PERFECT for the art classes I lead at my Library Branch. So I pretty much have all of 2024 art classes mapped out. And there are still a TON more painting tutorials on the channel to keep me going for a LONG time.

So I’ll be trying those out for the rest of the year, to see what supplies and whatnot I need to put these art classes together. But man, just coming across that channel has lifted a MASSIVE weight off of my shoulders.

I get so burnout and stressed out, trying to come up with art classes that I can actually teach. But now, it’s just a matter of scrolling through the YouTube channel and picking out ones to practice. I am SO over joyed.

And of COURSE, this is giving me THE PERFECT excuse to pick up a sketchbook with thicker paper. Just so I can test these various painting tutorials out. ::grins happily::

Catch-up is the Name of the Game

Catch-up is the name of the game here. Ready? Set? Ok, let’s go!

TMS
This is going really well. On my last weekly check in (Tuesday), my scores on my depression symptoms and my anxiety symptoms put me in the non-depressive episode category. Like, I’m back in “normal” people’s range (at least when it comes to depression symptoms). ::laughs::

And I would be lying if I didn’t say I had some minor trepidation at that realization. TMS may actually significantly decrease my depression symptoms. And I panicked a bit, thinking “Who will I be, without my depression?” Meaning, I’ve had depression almost as long as I can remember. And it’s always held such a large place in my mind and my life. And without it….would I no longer be considered “neurodivergent”? As this has become a very defining term for me.

I sat with that a bit. And I realized, even if I don’t have depression…I am still not what most people would consider “normal”. I’ll still be my super quirky self….just without the WEIGHT of depression smothering me down. TMS might just allow me to fully embody my quirky self. So ya’ll better start prepping yourselves now. Because I plan to let my neurodivergence take center stage from here on out! ::laughs::

Delaware, Mother-in-Law, Brother-in-Law, oh my!
So MIL had a health crisis. This led to a WHORL-WIND trip up to Delaware. We flew out on June 30th. I flew back July 3rd. I had JUST started TMS, and it’s one of those treatments, that once you start….you REALLY need to miss as FEW treatments as possible. It’s been documented, that if you start and get about halfway through, and then try to pick it back up again…it doesn’t work. So it was imperative that I continue my treatments with as little disruption as possible.

So we fly up there. And yeah, talk about DELAYS. Actually, you know….let’s not. That wasn’t enjoyable at all. But yeah, she was in the ICU when we got there, but we got to go in and see her. Which, we really think boosted her morale. She was moved back to the surgery/cardiac floor the VERY NEXT DAY. And, the whole reason we went up there, because it didn’t look too good for her. And then she does this 180 and was doing so well that she was moved out of ICU. Even her nurses were beyond shocked.

David did text his brother, to let him know what was going on. Que up me meeting my BIL and niece for the first time ever. David and BIL were able to have a good conversation, in person, that I think cleared the air for both of them. I just hope for the best and leave that up to David how that’s going to go.

David flew back home on the 14th. His mom is currently doing very well and was at home and doing well there before he flew back. It was such a HUGE strain on David and it’s taken him a few days to get back to his normal self.

Temp Manager….VERY temp
So we got an Interim Manager on July 13th. And today was apparently his last day with us (not sure if it’s also his last day for the City as well). He was pleasant enough. I enjoyed the fact that he was NOT a chatty Kathy but that he also was very proactive on getting things fixed that needed fixing.

100 Days of Art
Still going VERY strong on this. Currently at Day 87. I’m super impressed with myself for sticking with this and branching out to try out new things. And that, even when I don’t like how a particular drawing is coming out, I tell myself “That just means I need to practice this style/subject MORE” instead of the “Oh, I suck at art”. It’s been a very NICE shift in thinking.

Danger Zone revisited

Ok, meeting with the Nurse Practitioner went SO amazing well. I absolutely ADORE her. And that’s hard to get out of me on initial meetings.

Plus, she was astute enough to look at the Psychiatrist’s notes and we went over those. And she recognized that there is some serious trauma, and said we wouldn’t be delving into them, but that she just wanted to verify the information was correct. ::HUGE sigh of relief::

She thinks there’s a bit of PTSD lingering from Psycho Ex and some abandonment issues around my father (gold star to her on both of those) and suggested EMDR treatment later on, if I felt like that was something I wanted to pursue.

So now we are just waiting to hear back from insurance if they will cover the treatment or not.

Helpful Suggestions
There were a number of helpful suggestions on various things people have done to work with their depression. And I know that NONE of the suggestions were given out in a manner of “oh hey, do this and it works perfectly”.

But......

Please understand as well, that I’ve been dealing with my depression, anxiety, trauma, panic attacks, aggression, etc., for damn near 30 years.

Meditation
I’m a motherfucking Pagan…do you think I have never TRIED meditation? Be it for spiritual, mental, or just overall well being?
For me, meditation is very much a double edged sword. Sometimes, I have zero issues with it and, yes, it can be quite calming. Other times, by stilling all the swirling thoughts in my head, it simply AMPLIFIES the depression voice and makes everything a THOUSAND times worse.

Eating Better
Yes, I’m very aware that my current eating habits would make a rabid raccoon look like a Health Guru.
And I’m very aware that various foods DO have an impact on one’s physical, psychological, and mental states.
However. Right now? I’m in survival mode. I’m eating comfort, “safe” (meaning ones that I know I will like, that I don’t have an issue with texture or taste) foods just to keep me going. Cutting out all of my comfort foods right now would do the exact opposite of what we are attempting to accomplish here (i.e. keeping me alive).
So yes, I am cutting back on the amount of comfort food. And I’m slowly introducing healthy foods. But that’s going to be a process, not something just one and done.

Coping Strategies
Oh trust me, I have a SHIT TON of coping strategies. But I’m always all ears to hear new ones. Please, feel free to toss those out at any point. If it’s something that has worked for you or a close loved one, I would love to hear it. Because, even if it doesn’t work for me, it might spark an idea on something else I can try.
This is one of the things the Nurse Practitioner actually complimented me on – ALL the various coping strategies I have, have tried, are modifying so they work better. Trust me, TONS of various ones, both conventional and non-conventional. Hmm, I should do an entry listing out all my Coping Strategies. Might be helpful for others. And if nothing else, it should spark some sort of dialog, in which I can also learn a new trick or two.

Sleeping Habits
Yes, I utilize my phone, in bed, as part of my unwinding and getting ready to sleep routine. Yes, I am aware of all the studies out there that say you should turn off all electronics and definitely do NOT have them in the bedroom. I do a coloring app and switch on my Apollo Neuro specifically to either the Unwind vibe or the Sleep vibe. I have a specific CD that I listen to every night, and have done so for well over a year now.
Yes, it takes me a little over an hour to fully unwind enough to go to sleep. I still awake up in the night at least once (usually twice) and am up for around 15 to 20 minutes and then I’m able to go back to sleep.
I know all the studies that say you should be getting a solid sleep the entire night through. The only times I’ve experienced that was when I was sick, drunk, or had been up for 4+ days in a row. Sure, I can take sleeping pills or ZQuil. But I have the habit of SERIOUSLY abusing those, so I try to stay away from them.

Exercise
Yes, I know all about the benefits of exercise. I have been quite fit at various points in my life.
It’s just the major shake up that completing my Master’s degree and leaving behind a career field that I had been working in since I was 14, did a huge number on me. Also going from part time to full time work took a serious adjustment.
And it’s hard to get out and walk the dog (one of the things I really enjoy) when the heat is so horrid. Our heat index today was 117 – temperature was 99. And it’s only supposed to get hotter at the week continues.
I am on a number of psych drugs – many of which that effect my body’s ability to regulate internal temperature. I’ve also had heat stroke before. And it just makes you more susceptible for heat stroke from then on out.

In Closing
This isn’t an attack on anyone. This isn’t me saying don’t share your suggestions. Just, know that in the 30 yrs I’ve been dealing with this, I HAVE heard of meditation. I HAVE heard of kale. And trust me. If doing yoga, eating kale, and doing daily meditation would cure the CHEMICAL IMBALANCE in my brain, I would be all over that.

Love you all and wishing you NOTHING but the absolute best.

Danger Zone

Man, I’ve been bottoming out BAD these last few days. And I know it’s due to having to discuss my traumas over and over and over again with the various people at the TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) Clinic. I’m just.....over it. I don’t want to talk about it any more.

I had a Zoom meeting with the tech that will be doing the TMS on me. I like her well enough. But....I dunno. Something feels a bit off. The Clinic I’m going to has the highest success rates in the nation.... Because they combine TMS with therapy and working through a Mindfulness about Depression (or something along those lines) book as well. And I dunno…just getting cult-ish vibes. But that COULD be due to me listening to all these true crime videos – predominately ones about cults. So yeah.

Oh, and they do counseling as well. Which is another reason why they have such a high success rate. But man, I am NOT wanting to process any of this shit right now. Just zap my brain and let’s be done with it.

I go tomorrow for my meeting with the Nurse Practitioner (NP) tomorrow morning. I’m sure I’ll have to go through my trauma AGAIN at this point. Honestly, for my own mental health, I think I’m going to tell her to pull up my file – either the 4 hour long Clinic questionnaire I did, or the recap with the Psychiatrist, OR the one I did with the Tech. Because, I don’t have it in me to go through ALL of that AGAIN. I mean, I’ve rehashed my trauma more times in the past couple of WEEKS than I have in YEARS and my mental health is taking one HELL of a beating for it.

In non-TMS/Trauma news, we are FINALLY out of the Ransomware Era at work....kind of. ::laughs:: We are about 25% up. We can check OUT all the damn items we’ve been just keeping in Word Docs, and we can update patrons’ accounts AND create new accounts. But that’s it. Our catalog and all that jazz is still completely down. We spent 44 days completely down. And man, I KNOW I’m going to miss the shit out of how calm and peaceful work has been. But all good things must come to an end. ::sighs::

I got my physical done with Dr. O – required for the TMS Clinic. And for the most part, everything was about what I expected it to be. But my weight was a LOT higher than the last time I was in her office, and I’m NOT happy about that one bit. Gonna have to get on that soon. Guess my diet of coffee, donuts, cigarettes, and peanut butter isn’t that sustainable. Yeah, I’ve been COMFORT feeding for a while. ::looks up at the whole TMS thing:: Yeah, can’t IMAGINE why I’m doing that.

And after my appointment with Dr. O I had to do a blood draw (again to screen for all the things my Psychiatrist wants me screened for). That required SEVEN vials of blood plus a cup of urine. I am very proud of myself. I didn’t get woozy until the 7th vial. But yeah, got SUPER lightheaded, sweating, and nausea. ::chuckles:: Good times.

And then later on this month, I’ll be doing my yearly gyno visit as well. You know, I’m about OVER June and all these various doctor/health appointments.

BUT, something cool. I DID finally buy myself an Apollo Neuro. I’ve been eying them for over a YEAR, but the price kept it out of reach. But with the income tax return being so nice, and my mental health being ALL OVER the board, I figured, this couldn’t hurt. And man, I ADORE it. No clue if it actually HELPS with calming or energizing or any of that. But I find the vibrations just soothing if nothing else. Comforting. So, even if that is ALL it does? I’m happy I bought it. I wear it on my ankle at the moment. Though I do want to get a smaller band, so I can wear it on my wrist at night.

End of May

Gotta be quick and squeak this in while it’s still May. ::chuckles::

TMS Appointment
So I had to take this CliniCom mental health assessment and the secretary did warn me that it was quite in depth and generally takes people 2 to 2.5 HOURS to complete.
It took me THREE AND A HALF friggin’ hours, to complete it.

Mostly it’s because they wanted me to list ALL the psychiatric medications I have taken OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE, along with dosage amounts, the TIME FRAME in which I took them, and reasons why I am no longer taking specific ones. Like, is this something I should have been keeping records of? I mean, I can see how keeping a list of psych meds that DON’T work me, might be beneficial.

And then they had various trauma related questions.

Honestly, I am surprised I got through it all without spiraling out mentally. Because I was having to dredge up some ooooooold skeletons out of the dark corners of closets I generally do not even open any more.

All of this, so that Monday, May 22nd, I got to go in for my initial TMS consultation. Hopefully, I’ll get the green light on that and can start magnetizing my brain daily for a while. Coworker Carly just finished up her TMS treatment and recommends it. It is by no means a CURE for depression. But she said it did definitely benefit her, so here’s hoping!

Assessment went very well. I have to get a physical done with blood-work, that I’ll be getting all done (plus my yearly gyno visit) in June. I have my 2nd consultation for TMS on the 19th. At that point, I think they’ll let me know if insurance has agreed to pay. If not, well, they also offer ketamine treatments that I KNOW are not insurance covered. And if I’m paying for treatment 100% out of pocket, I would rather be tripping balls on Special K, that getting magnetic waves zapped into my brain meats.

Health Binder Thoughts
I really should get a print out of that assessment and begin a health document binder of some sort. Just keep up with dates that I’ve had various procedures on, maybe my health directive, etc., as well.

Work
We are now into Day 29 of the Ransomware Era. Pambie (my boss) is still out. Still haven’t heard if she’s had her surgery yet or not. ::shrugs:: We’re just in this weird kind of.....limbo.....waiting.

But I’m enjoying the FUCK out of the downtime. In the mornings, when I’m in the back (would normally be checking in books), I work on my daily art piece or in my other sketchbook, and just RELAX. I LOVE this so much. I wish we could keep it this calm and relaxing, but still be able to check books in and out as needed.

I seriously am going to be heartbroken when the Ransomware Era comes to an end, and I actually have to start doing my full job duties once more. I just wish work could be THIS friggin’ chill, with a completely working system as well.

YouTube Channel Thing
How can I have so many topics I want to talk about, but hit a blank wall when I try to do a video discussing said topics??? Because that’s exactly what is happening at the moment. ::sighs:: I need to get a good phone mount for the house, that I can then do Deck flip-throughs and what not. ::looks at all her decks, many of which were limited runs:: Yeah, that would give me a LOT of footage.

Definitely NOT Boring

Hmmm, seems I’m only good for about one entry a month.  ::chuckles::

Maybe I’ll get more written this coming work week.  The City I work for got hit with some ransomware and 95% of the programs we use to run the library are currently down.  And have been down since Wed, May 3^rd.   So we are getting a bit of a vacation at the moment.  Though, once the systems are back up and operational, we will be spending HOURS manually checking books out on people’s accounts.  We currently have that all saved in various Word Documents.  Oye, that is going to take AGES to get done.

Ah, since the last time I wrote, some crazy ass shit went down at work.  My boss fell and broke her shoulder, so she hasn’t been at work since April 18^th.  She had surgery on May 5^th, but we have NO idea when she’ll be back in.  While I am sad that she’s that seriously injured, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a nice reprieve from her busy-body-ness.

Income tax return came in.  And while I was dreaming up all these things to spend it on?  I haven’t done a damn thing with it.  ::laughs::  I guess I’m having serious executive dysfunction with it.  So it’s just been sitting in my account this entire time.  I finally moved half of it into savings, along with the standard $200 from my paycheck.  Man, that savings account is looking NICE.  ::chuckles::  Honestly, I should just hire someone to come clean out my bedroom.  ::chuckles::  Still slowly clearing it out, but it’s seriously slow going.

I dunno.  I just feel like I’m standing in place, while everyone else is running around, accomplishing these Fabulous Big Goals.  And I certainly don’t begrudge my friends doing all these fucking amazing things, because they are AMAZING things.  But I’m looking at myself like, what the fuck have I accomplished this past month?  Thus far into 2023? Hell, we can even go back to 2022.  I just feel….stuck.  Stagnant. 

And for me, looking at how things go for me?  I always feel stagnant right before a BIG shift in my life.  So I’m sort of worried about what’s about to get shaken up.  What rug is going to be pulled out from under me.  It’s a mix of dread, but also anticipation.  SOMETHING is going to shake up, and get me out of this rut….but the shaking isn’t always pleasant.

My newest hyperfocus is listening to CreepyPasta stories on YouTube.  I have no idea how many I’ve listened to or how many hours I’ve logged.  Suffice it to say, PLENTY.  My favorites are the park ranger stories, the strange rule stories, and anything involving cryptids.  I just can’t get enough of ‘em. 

Rose petal beads were a bust this time around.  I forgot about them for a few days, and they were a bit furry.  It didn’t affect the way they smelled or anything.  But I don’t think it’s a wise idea to use moldy roses to make things that I’ll be offering to deities and spirit entities.  ::shrugs::  And it’s not like Titan is still throwing up NEW canes with dozens of rose buds on them currently.  I’ll have plenty of roses to do another go around.

I’ve got 4 new spirits I’m bonding with.  This brings me up to 57 spirits…..with another 2 on the way.  ::chuckles::  I see lots of orbs now days.  And knocks and clicks and slithering sounds don’t even phase me.  Seeing things out of the corners of my eyes is commonplace.  Though, anytime one of the spirits makes physical contact, it makes me jump.  My Lead Barghest (a dog like spirit) loves resting her head on my right shoulder, so I’ve gotten used to that familiar weight. 

So yeah, that’s what I’ve been up to.  Trying to get unstuck from my rut.  Playing with a WIDE array of spirit entities.  Conversing with the Harpies on the regular, as this is storm season.  And then, all the mundane shit as well.  ::chuckles::  Even when I feel stagnant….my life is certainly anything BUT boring.

Brain Dump

April 11^th was my 17^th anniversary of being NSSI (Non-Suicidal Self-Injury) free.  Normally, I would write some fabulously upbeat entry about it being 6,205 days since the last time I engaged in NSSI behavior.

But not this go around.  The next day, I bottomed out bad.  Not quite to the point of being a danger to myself…but I could see that looming on the horizon.  The past few years have REALLY tested my resolve to not engage in self-harm.  And for now, I’m holding onto my track record.  But I’m not 100% sure if I’m even doing myself any HELP right now by refusing to engage in it.  ::shrugs::

Work’s ok.  Kind of hit this lull where we are all getting along for the most part.  Marriage is going strong.  Spirituality is returning.  And, most shocking of all, I am LOVING doing videos in the Pagan FB group and have done a few for my YouTube channel.  I even bought a phone mount for my car, so that, should traffic prove to be an absolute bitch, I could record something while I wait out traffic.

We are getting a VERY NICE income tax return.  And of course, my head is just SWIMMING with dreams and desires and wishes to spend the money on.  I do plan to squirrel a large portion of it away into my savings.  I should be breaking the $14k level soon, even without the extra bump from the tax return. 

I sit here at times, just FLOORED by the fact that things, honestly, are really looking up.  I am aggressively paying down my final credit card bill.  I am able to sock away at least $400 a month specifically to savings.  And that still leaves me breathing room with what I have in checking, that I’m able to slowly continue to upgrade my wardrobe and replace things that should have been replaced YEARS ago.  I mean, a few years ago, I was barely making ends meet with my personal finances.  And now?  Now I’m sitting quite well.  But I’m under zero illusions that it will always remain this way.  Hence why I try to squirrel quite a bit away and purchase the things I NEED. 

I don’t know if the plan to visit Boston in the fall is still on.  We would be going to attend one of Hub’s coworker’s wedding.  If we end up not doing that, I’m taking my ass to Wolf Park.  I NEED something to really feed my spirit, and that will fill it to overflowing.

I do plan to buy some goose food and make it a point to go visit my Canada Geese Hoard.  I miss them something fierce right now.  And it would also be good for my soul to just go hang out with them, and be my normal Cryptid Self – the Lady Who Keeps the Geese In Line.  The Lady to Whom the Geese Answer.  The Lady to Whom the Geese Come When She Calls.  ::smiles::

I am currently working on grinding up some of Titan’s rose petals to try my hand at making rose beads again.  I am envisioning making a small necklace to adore one of the Sekhmet icons I have.  And some of the Spirits I keep, enjoy roses as offerings.  So I’m also envisioning making strands of rose beads to drape around my altar.  I am going to see if I can dry them in my dehydrator or if they need to air dry for best results. 

Yep, that seems like a good place to end this entry.  Until next time!

Videos and things

Since I’ve been doing little videos here and there in one of my Facebook Pagan groups, I find myself wanting to do MORE videos. But then I’m at a lost of what to make them about? I’m sure few people want to listen to me wax poetically (aka RAMBLE) on YouTube. ::chuckles:: Honestly, I just need to drill down on some of the 80+ topics I want to chat about, and figure out a base script for each one. I’ll get there at some point.

My order of the W.I.T.C.H. Oracle cards arrived today, and I friggin’ SWOONED over so many of the cards. Just gorgeous. I know I definitely want to do a proper flip-thru of that deck. Especially since you can’t get it now if you didn’t back it on Kickstarter back in 2021. Yeah, that’s how long I’ve been waiting on this deck. But I tell you, SO WORTH THE WAIT. I just need to figure out how to set up my phone to record top down, so the cards aren’t backwards. I’ll figure something out. And if I can’t, I’m sure Hubs can create SOMETHING for me. ::chuckles::

I am finding it harder and harder to collect my thoughts into a linear path. My train of thought is much akin to herding cats.....while using a vacuum cleaner. It is just ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.

Hmmm, let’s see, what else?
Oh! Littlest Niece got her leg x-rayed last week and it healing completely fine! So she’s out of the boot and doesn’t have to do anything else at this point. Woohoo!

I will be seeing Dr. O. (my primary) April 3rd to discuss my increasing migraines. I had to be taken off my preventive migraine medication because it was creating MASSIVE kidney stones.

Haven’t heard back from the Endo even though Dr. O. sent over the referral on the 15th. And honestly? If Dr. O. didn’t recommend me going, and she’s the one that sees all the thyroid tests we’ve done in the past few years, then I’m not going to sweat it. If they call me, great. If they don’t, meh. Don’t really care at this point.

Dr. O. also sent in a pre-authorization request for me to do the Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Carly did her first session on the 16th and said it was quite painful – like a sinus headache that she could also feel in her teeth, but that it only lasted 5 minutes or so. Her headache honestly sounds like one of my run-of-the-mill migraines, so I’m still pushing onwards to this possibility.

April, a FABULOUS fucking friend, got a snake! ::smiles:: So I’ve been enjoying the “newness” of her being a snake mommy. Seriously, I absolutely ADORE her enthusiasm and just SHEER JOY in experiencing most of life. And I am LOVING listening to her babble about her scaly baby so much. And I’ve given her some tips and tricks that I’ve learned over the YEARS with Leviathan.

I FINALLY received my journal and Sharmila’s journal from Raven (in England) this week. It was supposed to be mailed out back in JANUARY, but Raven hasn’t adhered to the swap agreements what-so-ever. I’m just glad to have the journals back in my possession. I’ll work in Sharmila’s before sending it back to her in late April. But yeah, needless to say, Raven is banned from any of my other journal swaps. ::shakes her head:: Just ridiculous.

Burnt Out

I’ve come to realize that I’m completely burnt out.

I’m burnt out on teaching classes at my Branch, even if they are classes on things I ENJOY.
I’m burnt out on helping people and being super nice.
I’m burnt out on socializing.
I’m burnt out on working with the public.
I’m burnt out on having to deal with the constant level of bullshit and drama from coworkers.
I’m burnt out on the drive to and from work.

I’m just burnt out.
And it seriously sucks because we are heading towards summer, which is when things get SUPER busy at the Libraries, and I’m already loathing that.

I need to call my various doctors tomorrow to get the various balls rolling on the various treatment options I am looking into. Wow, how many times can one say “various” in one sentence? ::chuckles::

I need to have Dr. O write a letter to my insurance, telling them why I am a candidate for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and/or Ketamine Therapy. Carly (my work BFF) goes in for her TMS consultation on the 16th, so I’m hoping she can give me a bit more insight as to what that’s going to entail. She says that insurance is covering all but $900 of the treatment. I can afford that. I just need this depression to go away.

I also need Dr. O to send over any labs/testing for my Thyroid to the Endocrinologist I am wanting to see. Also need to get Dr. H to do the same thing, since she’s the one that wants me to see an Endocrinologist. And once the Endo gets all of that, reviews it, then they will contact me to set up an appointment.

Tornadoes and Special K

Ok, so first things first. We got one HELL of a storm last night. As it stands right now, there are reports that at least 6 tornadoes touched down because of that storm. Thankfully, none of them touched down here. We just got 80 mph straight winds for a few hours and a whole lotta rain and thunder. We even lost power for about an hour, and we almost NEVER lose power (we’re close to a police station and a hospital, so our grid is usually very protected).

But yeah, hella storms last night. And today is bright and clear skies as far as the eye can see. Other than a few downed branches, you couldn’t even tell.

So, Ketamine. Yeah, good ole Special K drug. Apparently it’s good for treating treatment resistant depression. So I brought this up to my General Doctor and she highly recommends either that or Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.

I thought I was doing the right thing, calling my insurance company first, to see if it’s even covered. But apparently, this is the WRONG way to go about it. I have to have my doctor submit a request for it. Then a medical board (that works for the insurance company) reviews it, and THEN I’ll receive a letter telling me either A) it’s been approved or B) it’s been denied and why it was denied.

I am trying to get this treatment because MY DEPRESSION IS BAD and it’s resistant to most treatments. I’ve had to double two of my psych meds. I’m maxed out on the 3rd one. And I’m still barely keeping my head above water.

And THEN, on top of all of this, I received a voicemail from the Endocrinologist that I’m supposed to see on the 22nd. Not only is the doctor going to be unavailable for the two weeks that my appointment falls on. BUT, apparently they are referral ONLY. The nurse was honestly bewildered how I was even ABLE to make an appointment, as their system should have blocked me.

So now, I have to also call my gynecologist, as she’s the one that wants me to see an endocrinologist, and get her to send in a REFERRAL and all the necessary paperwork the endo requires. But I made this appointment back in JANUARY, so who the fuck knows when I’ll get an appointment? ::snarls::

I seriously LOATHE insurance companies. These things should NOT be run as for-profit businesses. It’s such a bullshit thing.

Gifted

So, apparently Littlest Niece is as gifted and graceful as our family is.

She fell off a little slide, that was covered in a rubber mat, with rubber chips on it.....

And she BROKE HER FUCKING LEG.

And she just told her dad (my brother) that she had a boo-boo and needed a band-aid. It wasn’t until later that night that she kept complaining about having a boo-boo and stopped putting weight on it.

So she’s in a boot for the next 4 weeks. At that point, they’ll x-ray her leg again, and decided on where to go from there.

Wolfie 2.0

So I re-stumbled upon a particular motivational speaker on YouTube. I say “re-stumbled” because I’ve watched his videos previously, but this time around, they really struck a cord with me. Note: YouTuber I’m talking about is Clark Kegley.

I mean, he STRONGLY advocates for keeping a journal, so of course I’m intrigued.

So I’ve been doing some serious reflecting and self-truth-telling (which, even tho I’m 100% Scorpio and can see to the deep depths of others, I RARELY enjoy turning that laser sight on myself). And I’ve been asking myself, what would Wolfie 2.0 look like (taking from Kegley’s concept of Wolfie right now is 1.0; what would the next evolution of Wolfie look like – hence Wolfie 2.0). Like, if everything went perfectly and according to plan, what would I look like in my wildest dreams?

And I’m realizing…while I’m FABULOUS at making goals, I suck serious ass when it comes to following through with said goals.

So that’s what I’m focusing on at the moment.

And using Jashii Corrin’s (another YouTuber) monthly goal check-in system is also making sure I check-in with each individual goal every month.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor to discuss my anti-depression medication regiment. Depression has been kicking my ass 7 ways ‘til Sunday. And honestly, I’m tired of just holding on.

So this is me, embracing my Word of the Year: Proactive.

Instead of waiting around for my depression to get better, I’m trying to improve it.
Instead of waiting around for my ideal self to just magically appear, I’m seeking to understand how and why I sabotage myself, over and over.

::chuckles:: Man, I understand now, why people would get spooked when I turn my Scorpio laser vision on them, and see through all their bullshit (regardless if they were trying to pull the wool over my eyes, or just over their own eyes). This shit sucks.

But Wolfie 2.0, with her kick-ass life, doing kick-ass things? She isn’t going to just magically materialize out of the ether.

More Rambles

Brain weasels are behaving (mostly) today. So time to revisit variously topics.

Snow/Ice/Sleet
I get to go to work tomorrow. Working 11 am to 5 pm, but am getting paid for the entire day. So that’s a sweet deal. And since I did some training today, I get to count today as a “work from home” day.

Restless
Yep, still restless, but it isn’t as bad as it was yesterday. Did get a bit of cleaning done on my white altar. Not 15 minutes worth, but hey 10 minutes is better than nothing. But at least I have some done, and a better idea for my next attack.

New Topic: Mindfulness Candles
I came across these friggin’ ADORABLE Mindfulness Candles on my merry lil jaunts around the InterWebs. But I ain’t paying $18 for 5 friggin’ candles and a candle holder, to then also pay another $13 in shipping. So I thought to myself, how can I cheap witch this. Birthday candles are about the same size and a hell of a lot cheaper. So now I just need a candle holder that will work with such small candles. I plan to take an empty tealight holder that I have, fill it with hot glue, and place one of the plastic birthday candle holders in it until the glue cools. Hopefully, I can pop out the plastic candle holder and just have an indent in the harden glue. Then I can try out my cheap witch hack and see if it will work.

I mean, I kind of love the idea of keeping it simple. Just lighting a candle, and spending some TIME in front of my altar. It will probably take me a while to work back up into big rituals again. But this? This is simple and something I am pretty sure I can keep up with, even on my low energy days (aka, when the Brain Weasels are being horrid).

Brain Weasels

The brain weasels are NOT playing nice today, so I’m just going to ramble along and see if I can just brain dump ‘em out.

Snow/Ice/Sleet
aka: Welcome to Texas, we don’t know how to handle this shit.
Yeah, so we are getting hit with ice and sleet and snow at the moment. I haven’t been to work yet this week, and tomorrow my branch is closed. Which is kind of nice. It’s like an unplanned staycation. But at the same time, it would be better if I could actually DO things I want to do. Like get cinnamon rolls, damn it.

MIA Journals
aka: I’ve never had journal swaps go this poorly EVER.
I did two journal swaps in 2022 and they BOTH went the poorest I’ve ever had in the YEARS I’ve been doing journal swaps. Thankfully the first one finally wrapped up, and everyone got their journals back in a reasonable amount of time. And other than April’s lovely journal being chewed on by a swap member, who is now black-listed from ever doing any of my swaps EVER AGAIN, they are all reasonably intact.

Which brings me to the second one. It’s an international one, so I knew going into it, that it was going to be a much slower moving swap. But goddamn, the English Chic has dropped the ball so many times. She was supposed to mail my journal and Sharmila’s journal (because she ended up with both because SHE FUCKED UP) on Jan 23rd. I’ve reached out to her in the journal swap group AND have sent her 2 direct messages, asking if she’s mailed them and all I’ve gotten thus far is crickets. Oh, but she posts stuff all over Facebook, no problem. But just won’t answer my messages. ::growls:: I’m pretty much given up on ever seeing my journal ever again. Needless to say, she is also black-listed, and will not be allowed to participate in my swaps ever again.

Restless
aka: I feel like I should be doing something....NEED to be doing something....but I have no idea what it is.
Like, I have plenty TO do, but zero focus/desire to DO those things. Instead, I kind of wander from room to room, feeling a bit lost.

I know part of it is stemming from the fact that I need to do a SERIOUS declutter and deep clean of my room, but it feels like such a huge task that I get overwhelmed before I even start. Like, how stupid is that?

Tomorrow though, I’m going to set a 15 minute timer, and make it a game to see how much I can clean/clear out before time is up.

I mean, I can’t hygge the shit out of my room like I want to, until there is ROOM for the stuff I do want. But I just can’t get started. Like, I hype myself up. Tell myself, ok, let’s do this. And then I get up to my room and am like “oh god, I can’t do this” and turn around and go back downstairs. I mean, at least I’m getting in some walking, but still, I’d rather have done the damn cleaning.

Daddy Issues
aka: I’m too old for this shit.
Yeah, not contacting him. There’s no real benefit, so why put myself through that shit? I know this is going to sound harsh, but I wish he would kick the bucket already and I can truly, finally close that damn chapter.

I think I may do an unsent letter to him. Just write out everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Just purge it all out. And then light that bitch on fire and be done with this shit.

Father Thoughts

My father has been on my mind a lot here recently.  Mostly me debating if I want to make contact with him or not.  I have come across his LinkedIn profile and that would be the way I would reach out.

I haven't because, I'd have to remake my LinkedIn profile and can't be arsed to do so yet.

And, I keep asking myself "Why?  Why do I want to get in contact with him?"

It's not because I'm wanting him back in my life.  Because I don't.  It's been 20+ years now since I sent him the Fuck Off Letter.

It's not because I'm even missing the concept of a "father".  Because I'm not.  He hasn't been an active part of my life since I was in elementary school, so I've come to terms with the "father figure" and don't have a need for it any longer.

It's not because I'm worried I'll regret not being in contact with him and he dies.  Because I already plan to go piss on his grave once he kicks the bucket.  Just wish I had a dick, because it would make this a whole lot easier.  But I figure, since I don't, it means I have to put in the extra effort to piss on his grave, so it will have more meaning.

It's not even because I'm wanting to catch up.

I guess, mostly, it's more about asking him Why.  Why he elected to just check out of our life completely.  
But, honestly, it doesn't mean I'll GET an answer.  And I have zero clue if it would even make a difference in my life to know why.

And, partly, because I would love to rub it in his face how well I'm doing.  The fact that he never has and never will meet my husband.  And the fact that he'll never meet his only biological grandchildren, because I seriously doubt Bro will ever risk our father disappointing Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces.  

And if Bro WERE to invite our father to be a part of their lives, and if our father WERE to disappoint Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces?  I would scorch the earth to ensure it never happened to Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces ever again.  

I highly doubt I'll ever reach out to contact him.  The odds of it being a productive conversation are very low.  And the odds of my aggression/hurt over this whole situation are SUPER HIGH.  

And honestly?  If it isn't adding anything GOOD to my life...why bother?

Day One

Welcome 2023.

Word of the Year: Proactive
adjective
1. serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, especially a negative or challenging one; anticipatory

Proactive is the opposite of reactive. Actions that are proactive are initiated not in reaction to a situation but instead out of a desire to make a positive change, prepare for a situation, or prevent something from happening.

I want to be more proactive this year, instead of reactive. I want to take charge of my swimming through life, instead of just floating along, dealing with whatever comes along. Why not elect to meet that head on, instead of waiting until it’s an issue?

Spirit Messenger of the Year: Black-capped Chickadee
“Take your eyes off your problems and fears, and set them on your goals.”
- often associated with extroversion and charisma
- symbols of friendship and agreeability
- due to their various vocalizations, they are associated with communication
- the presence of a chickadee may indicate the correct path to take
- it is a lucky little symbol that nature itself recognizes you as a positive spirit
- symbolic of guidance, honesty, tenacity, and courage
- uniquely gifted communicators
- success in creative pursuits
- intensely protective of their “flock”
- trust your gut instincts
- symbol of friendship and “found family”
- cut down on needless spending and save for a rainy day

A damn fine spirit to work with. But holy shit, that last line caught me unawares, but damn do I need to hear it. It is one of my goals this year, to be a LOT more mindful of where my money is going. Because I have been less than frugal with my money in 2022.

Not that this was necessarily a bad thing. I am making a nice paycheck. I stay current with all my bills PLUS adding a good chunk to my savings each paycheck, and THEN have fun with my money. But I need to be significantly more disciplined with the handling of my finances.

But I could be doing so much better. I need to stop buying things just to have them. I want to focus more on EXPERIENCES than belongings. So lots of clearing out the clutter and downsizing for me this year.