Year End Plans

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I liked the cancellation stamp on my postcard from Denmark (sent by a Polish woman via Postcrossing).

Cold day here…though warmer than it was yesterday. In theory, we’re supposed to get snow/sleet tomorrow.

I still haven’t done my Yule ritual or Tabula Rasa ritual. At this point, it’s just not going to be nice enough outside to have a fire in the fire pit. Instead, I’ll move the speakers and have a fire in the fireplace. It isn’t my first choice, but hey, at least I HAVE a 2nd option. ::chuckles::

Shinga, a fun acquaintance (it’s hard to explain – I had a one night stand with her husband, back when I was single and before he was with Shinga – not that it would matter at this point to her; they’re poly), talked about what she did last New Year’s Eve and I like the idea. She got nekkid, made a fire in her fire place, wrote down all the things of 2016 she wanted to be rid of on a piece of paper…she then tore the paper into shreds and fed them to the fire, singing a little song of her own. And I just LOVE the idea. It would mesh quite nicely with the Tabula Rasa ritual – I have to do an inventory of the past year for it. The high points and the low points. So I know all the crap and muck of 2017, so it would be quite easy to simply write those down on a piece of paper and shred and burn them completely.

Winding Down

written: December 29th

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Another fun surprise gift from Brandy (my Canadian Twin as I call her) – she had received the ACEO print as a mistake from Ravynne Phalam and kindly offered it to me. And I had sent her the USA version of the PostalLove.com postcard. She kindly sent me the Canadian version of the postcard. Hopefully, over the next few years, I can get copies of the postcard from a wide array of countries. ::smiles::

Ok, so I’m pretty sure I’ve found my totem for 2018 – Tiger. I dreamt last night that two of my favorite tigers that used to live out at the exotic animal sanctuary I used to volunteer at, came running up to me and did a tiger version of a bear hug. Bruno (male Sumatran tiger who passed in 2010) claimed me as “his” and would come running up to the fence, chuffing his heart out to say hello, and Rani (female Bengal tigress who passed in 2011) would stroll over to the fence and moan/chuff happily at you…man, I miss those cats so much.

So tiger it is for 2018.

In other news, I’m trying out a different Madeleine recipe. It’s chillin’ the in the frig overnight – which the lady who’s video and recipe I’m using, claims is THE secret to making perfect Madeleines. ::shrugs:: We’ll see tomorrow how it’s turned out. Hopefully, much better than the first recipe I tried out.

Thankful Thursday #52

Photo for today:

 

Bushel of wheat I saw at Hobby Lobby – gotta remember this for next Lammas. It would be awesome to have for my altar. ::smiles::

I am thankful…
1. Winter Break from work AND from college. I am LOVING this off time right now.
2. Setting up my Gray Sketchbook Journal for 2018 AND my Bastardized Bullet Journal (BaBuJo) for January 2018. I’m getting excited now.
3. That even though the Madeleines recipe I tried out today didn’t turn out very well, I was able to find another version of the recipe that seems to be more promising. I’ll try that one sometime this week.
4. Able to FINALLY get the red and white votive candles I’ve been wanting for the last part of my Yule log today. SO. Hopefully, I can get that super belated Yule ritual done, along with my Tabula Rasa ritual, AND then kick off 2018 with a FULL MOON ritual on January 1st. So much witchy shit to do!
5. How much of a mood improver it is to simply have my finger nails painted. I may have to do this more often. And thus far, this nail polish has not chipped. Might be worth buying a few more bottles in different shades.
6. Took Josey for a decent walk today. I need to do it more often. I really fell off doing that once the time changed and it gets dark before I get home from work. I need to make it a point to walk her before I go to work once work starts back up.
7. That I discovered today at Walmart that they have my favorite black gel ink pens on sale – a 5 pack of pens (which last a pretty good amount of time) are just ONE DAMN DOLLAR. You know I’m going back tomorrow and picking up two more packs. That should keep me good on black gel ink pens for most of 2018. ::chuckles::
8. Wendy (my pen pal) mentioned that she’s taking part of a “Stitch from Stash” challenge – you set a budget for yourself $0 - $25 for the month and do your best to use up most of your “stash”. Granted, this is revolving around sewing, which I don’t do…but the concept could easily be applied to journaling. I think that could be a fun challenge for 2018. I’ll ponder it a bit more and it will probably end up on my lil list of Resolutions for the new year.
9. That my Mom made the drive up to come spend the day with us on Christmas Eve. We all really enjoyed the visit.
10. Doing a bit of clutter clearing on my computer and better arranging photos. I came across and was able to better organize various ritual photos I’ve taken over the past two years. I hope to get those properly organized and printed out and put into my Working Grimoire and I can begin planning for 2018’s various holy days.

Demon Robe (Dream)

I had a wicked ass dream last night.

There were a ton of us in this auditorium, watching these various acts. Some were kid acts and Christian music. But then there was this group of Demon-worshippers that came in to give an informative talk.

We were invited to the back of the auditorium, which was actually part of their temple. A friend and I made eye contact and she snatched something and ran. When the demonologists attention was all on her, I snatched up this crazy ornate, heavy deep red robe and put it on my shoulders. It looked so heavy, but felt almost light upon my shoulders. Immediately they all stopped and fixated their eyes on me.

 

The robe reminds me of the coronation robes of royalty, but so not much white fur. All of the fabric is a deep, rich red. Black and silver highlights here and there. Lush and heavy without the weight. It definitely had a hood to it, and no crazy long train like the coronation robes have.

 

The robe as the robe of a priest/ess of either Lucifer, Lilith, or Leviathan….I just kept getting flashes of a black serpent. Masks like birds of prey or skulls. All around bad-ass.

 

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Now, I’m not a demon worshipper by any stretch of the imagination. But damn, I would give just about anything to have that robe.

Girlie

written: December 27th

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Yeah, so I did a girlie thing! I can’t recall the last time I painted my finger nails. Granted, I paint my toe nails every month, but my finger nails? Yeah, that hasn’t happened in ages. But this is a gift from Wendy (my pen pal) – it’s called “Diablo”. So I’m rocking for now.

My nails are thin and brittle, so unless I got acrylic nails done, nail polish doesn’t tend to stay very long. ::chuckles:: But I figure my nails don’t have to stay perfect for me to still enjoy them. And when they chip and all that jazz, it’s because I’ve been busy using my hands. And that’s a good thing. So I’m just rolling with it. ::smiles::

David came home early today. So I wasn’t able to make my Walmart run. I’ll be celebrating a super belated Yule ritual and combining it with my Tabula Rasa ritual. It’s hard to believe that 2017 is almost done – just 4 more days. Wow.

I’ve got my Word for 2018. Still kicking around a few ideas for resolutions – just waiting for them to fully crystallize. Now I just need the Totem to show up and then I’ll be set for 2018 to begin.

And surprise of all surprises – a new deity has been slowly circling me – Brigid. Everything I’ve been reading lately has circled back to her. I haven’t worked with a different goddess since dedicating to Sekhmet back in 1997 or so. So this is new territory for me…especially a deity that has been so Christianized as well. But given that Brigid is a Fire goddess, maybe it isn’t too big of leap. I’ll just have to see where this all leads.

Chinese Food

written: December 26th

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Hurray for Chinese food! I can’t recall the last time we ordered Chinese food. ::smiles:: Egg drop soup and crab rangoon – makes me so happy. And I’ll have enough for seconds tomorrow. ::chuckles::

Steady, misting rain all day and cold as crap outside….yeah, we didn’t leave the house at all. ::laughs:: I guess Winter has finally made her appearance here in the Lone Star State. Quite late to the event, but I do hope it gets cold enough to really kill off some of the horrible mosquito population. But I would like for it to be warm enough for us to be able to USE THE DAMN FIRE PIT WE BOUGHT. ::chuckles:: I know, I know. Ya just can’t make me happy, no?

Christmas Day

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Merry Christmas! David decided that he needed to put up the Christmas lights today. ::chuckles:: I love my nut of a husband. I’m putting a reminder on the calendar for next year to get the Christmas decorations out at the end of November so we can enjoy them the entire month of December next year. And I want to get a better jump start on holiday baking as well.

I spent the day making notes for each month this past year – gearing up for my Tabula Rasa ritual soon. And the running theme I see each month is me just squeaking by…just surviving. And it just sucks, just surviving. I want to do better in 2018.

I’ve found my Word of Power for 2018 – and it’s totally out of character for me. ::chuckles:: Which I like. But I will hold off on talking about it until January 1st. Just need to find a totem now for 2018. And while I have my 36 goals for my 36th year already made and I’m already working on them…I am thinking of making 2 to 4 New Year’s Resolutions – ya know, for shits and giggles.

Hard to believe that 2017 is coming to a close. And that I’ve done a photo a day AND a blog post a day the entire time. I am on the fence if I’m going to continue it through 2018 or not. It’s been fun and it’s been a challenge, but I feel that my writing has been so much more surface based and shallow. That I was striving more for the quantity than quality. Though it certainly made it easier to keep up with my 10 year journal. ::chuckles::

Onwards and upwards.

Christmas Eve

written:  December 24th

Photo for today:

 

David and Josey, cuddling.

Mom came up today and spent the day with us to celebrate Christmas. We dropped Josey off at Doggie Day Camp as she’s a holy terror around people. She just loves people SO DAMN MUCH. And David and I are so anti-social, that there’s really no way of breaking her of this. We would have to have her around people to desensitize her to it…and we hate being around people. ::chuckles::

Anyways…we had a lovely day with my Mom. She brought up gifts and goodies. I made a batch of sausage balls and Cane’s sauce. We did lunch at Texas Roadhouse and then just hung out chatting until 5:15 pm. Mom had to get on the road and we had to pick Josey up by 5:30 pm.

I can’t believe I didn’t even think about taking photos until after my Mom had already left. You know, for a photographer, I don’t do a lot of people photography. ::chuckles:: I really need to do better on that. Now David and I have to get some good photos of us done soon to send to my grandmother in Canada. Besides, we could always use better photos of us. We could stand to update the photos of us that we have in the house as well.

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Oils

Photo for today:



A full bottle of “Transcend” perfume oil that came with my order of “Dragon” perfume oil from Sage Goddess. And it is friggin’ AMAZING. But I can’t find anything on the Sage Goddess site about it. So I’m playing email tag with one of her workers, trying to get some more information on it.

The “Dragon” perfume oil is amazing – but I was pretty sure it would be – with the dragon’s blood and clove in it. It’s a nice, pleasant “warm” feeling to it.

And there was a sample of “Master Healer” oil…and holy crap, that shit stinks. It leaked a bit in transit, and so the entire mailing envelope smelled of it….smelled of old beer, old wine….old alcohol. ::gags:: No thank you. I can’t believe that there are people out there, willing to trade 2 or 3 perfume oils for a bottle of “Master Healer”. Smells like college. ::laughs:: Stale alcohol, dirty carpet, like a friggin’ frat house. I will most certainly NOT be paying $32 for a bottle of that crap.

Witchery & Rest

written: December 22nd

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Just a small blessing charm I do for all our cash money. David got $500 as a part of his Employee of the Year award, so I was blessing that before I put it into my checking account – his part of bills. Plus, I have a ton of dollar bills that I figured, while I was doing all of this for the hundred dollar bills, I might as well bless the dollar bills I’m carrying.

I should make note to include that information in my lil grimoire. It’s one of my very first spells I ever created and works like a charm. I should also put in my Cinnamon Toast money spell as well. ::chuckles:: It’s another favorite of mine.

I spent the day curled up sleeping the day away. Between cramping and feeling nauseous and the day long, constant raining, I just curled up and slept. I had so many plans for things to get done today…but yeah. I deserved the damn break and a day of rest. I’ve been going 100 miles an hour, juggling so many damn things for the past MONTH or so, so yeah, I needed the break.

Early Release Day

written: December 21st

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Cute sign in the Teacher’s Lounge today.

Early Release Day: which means MY day started at 11:15 am instead of the normal 2:15 pm…..and went all the way until 6:30 pm. LONG FUCKING DAY.

Oh, and guess who started her MoonTime on said long ass work day? Yep, this chick right here. And guess who forgot the Midol at home? ::grumbles:: At least I remembered to pack pads just in case! ::sighs:: So, somewhat of a win.

Honestly, it really wasn’t that terrible of a day. About a third of the students went home with their parents after their classroom parties, and didn’t even come to the after school program. And by 5:15 (when we do 2nd snack), we in the single digits for students. Hell, we had the down time that Jess took it upon herself to clean and reorganize our closet once more. AND we are giving some of our games to Paula’s campus. ::grins:: They are games that our students aren’t interested in or are a complete pain in the ass for our campus, so they are going somewhere else. ::laughs:: I’ll set up a time sometime over Winter Break to drop them off with Paula.

Oh…totally forgot one super CRAPPY part of the day….one student’s projectile vomiting. Yeah, that was friggin awesome. And of course, this happened right after the custodians had left on break. ::chuckles and shakes her head:: So I got to clean it 100% up. BUT, it got done. Brynnan got picked up pretty quickly after that, and the work day was calmer. I do hope she gets to feeling better.

I got all of the end of the week / end of the month paperwork completed and turned in. AND I got the new time sheets made…as Laina let me know that she had been offered a full time position at the school she was doing her morning internship at…which means she will not be back to the after school program come January. ::sighs:: Sucks for us, but I’m happy for her.

So the plan now is Friday is 100% whatever I want to do.
Saturday will be cleaning day.
Sunday, Josey goes to doggie day camp and my Mom is coming up. We’ll do lunch at Red Robin and just hang out.
After that, I am thinking a deep cleaning of my room and closet of doom.

I need to do my Yule ritual.
And my Tabula Rasa ritual.

But most of all….I need to fucking relax and decompress. ::chuckles:: I’ve fucking earned that!

Party & Collections

written: December 20th

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My husband won Employee of the Year at his job this year! He’s now set the company record for winning it THREE times – the most any employee ever has.

Today was our Winter Break Party. We do ours the day BEFORE the last day, that way hopefully on the last day, the kids will opt to just go home with their parents after their classroom parties and we don’t have kids lingering for our party. ::chuckles:: All about those kids just going home as soon as possible on the last day before Break!

So pizza, chips, soda, and a cinnamon roll for “snack”. Then Jess set up a number of games for the kids to play. Carli and Allison (previous aides) stopped by to say hello to all the kids and hang out for a bit (they are on Winter Break from college).

Once David was home, we headed over to Starbucks to pick up gift cards and drinks. I collect Starbucks gift cards – I love that they have a wide array of seasonal gift cards. So I try to get all of ‘em each time. I keep them in a nice leather business card holder. So far, I’ve filled one up completely and almost half way through a second one. It’s one of those odd little things that I just love collecting. ::chuckles:: I’ve been photographing the current Winter Themed ones I have, so when I go in the store, I know which ones I’m missing. ::chuckles:: Gotta love that obsessive part of my lil brain.

More Surprise Gifts

written: December 19th

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Gift from one of my students – Emma. I’ve had her in my after school program since she was a kindergartner and she’s now a 5th grader – so she knows me so well. ::chuckles:: A Starbucks’ Frappuccino (because I drink them every day), little box of Dots (my favorite candy), and a word art in the shape of a snake. ::chuckles:: I just love it.

AND, I got another surprise gift in the mail. This time from John. He sent me an awesome gift of papyrus – ten blank sheets and a set of papyrus bookmarks. Such an awesome surprise. I truly have some of the most amazing friends.

I am thinking the papyrus would be fun to write petitions, prayers, and praises to Sekhmet on, and then burn them in the fire pit once it’s going. Definitely has a lot of fun magickal applications I can use it for.

Oh and I forgot to mention that Angie sent her World Renowned Christmas Treat Box yesterday. I LOVE her amazing box of treats – and she kindly sent treats for Josey as well. All homemade. Just amazing. I secreted away the sandtart cookies and the sugared almonds. Everything else is fair game for the husband. ::chuckles::

I had my “evaluation” today with Esmeralda. It went very well. I just hate it when they ask me “what are your goals for the next semester”? ::sighs:: Shit, I’m just trying to fucking survive here. And it sucks, because I know come the beginning of the next school year? I will be back as fucking square one. I swear I will lose my shit if Jess quits before I do. ::laughs:: As of right now, we are slated to graduate at the same time – her with her bachelors, and me with my Masters. Honestly…I feel so sorry for whomever gets my campus when me and Jess leave. Those students are going to be so heartbroken.

But no sense in dwelling on that. It’s a year and a half away at best. Might as well enjoy the semester with my students that are right in front of me. Right now.

Amazing Gift

written: December 18th

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Brandy did the most AMAZING thing and surprised me with one of the most awesome gifts ever.

Left to Right:
Moo journal with a hand painted Last Unicorn on the cover by Brandy herself.
Dark Moon scented oil from Sage Goddess. It leaked a bit on itself in transit, but Brandy wrapped it up really good, so it didn’t leak on anything else.
TWO new-to-me fountain pen ink samples:
1. Noodler’s North African Violet
2. Noodler’s Golden Brown

I can’t wait to bust out my fountain pens to test out these two inks. And the journal? Can’t wait to try that out as well. ::smiles::

It certainly was a truly beautiful, very special gift. And like I told her, man, seasonal blues have been kicking my teeth in, and this was a truly amazing gift at a time I really needed it. ::smiles::

Godzilla & Yule Ideas

written: December 17th

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We finally got the Godzilla artwork that my husband gave me for my birthday (back in November) framed and hung up on the wall. I love it. ::smiles::

I did some work up in my room on my Yule altar. I need to pick up red votive candles and white votive candles and I think I’m set for Yule. Still not sure what exactly I will do for the ritual, but I’ve got the altar set up. And I KNOW I will not be celebrating it on the 21st – that is an early release day, which means my after school program will start at 11 am and finish around 6:30 pm. Yeah, I highly doubt I’ll have the energy to do a ritual after all of that.

I dunno. Yule is one of those “funny” sabbats that really doesn’t mesh up with the environment/weather of Texas. We’ve had some cool days and all, but it doesn’t truly feel like winter until January. ::chuckles:: And I know a few years back we got hit with a nasty ice storm in March, so who knows what Mother Nature has up her sleeve for us. So it’s kind of hard to celebrate the “return of the sun” when we are still spending the vast majorities of our days above 50 degrees. ::chuckles:: Not that I’m complaining. I’m not a fan of cold weather. It’s the longest night of the year…I guess that’s something. ::shrugs::

Hopefully, we can get the fire pit set up and ready to go. I want a small fire for my Yule celebration for sure. And we need to toss in our Holly Sprigs to banish the negativity/ of this year. And it would just be nice to brew up some spiced mead, drink it around the Yule fire, and just celebrate togetherness. I think that’s a more than worthy “theme” for a Yule celebration. ::smiles::

Blah

written: December 16th

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Yep, we went with Domino’s pizza. Weather is absolute CRAP outside so we opted to order delivery.

As much as I love rainy weather…today was just down right depressive. Cold, overcast, dreary, and wet. Not even lightning or thunder to bring some energy to the day. Just all over “blah”.

Yeah, not much else to say.

Crystals & Crazies

written: December 15th

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My amethyst with smoky quartz phantoms crystal point arrived today. This is the one that I saw on Shamanic Wands’ Facebook page and it IMMEDIATELY leaped out at me. Hell, I was asking Simon (the guy that runs Shamanic Wands) about that particular one mere seconds after seeing it. ::laughs:: He wasn’t even ready to sell them, but he made a good deal for me and oh my god. This crystal point is just gorgeous. Photos do not do it one iota of justice. There is so much flash and rainbows inside this. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and tomorrow I can do a small video of it to really show it off.

I finally finished Devoted To You: Honoring Deity in Wiccan Practice by Judy Harrow. I can’t recall when I started the book, but this is the first non-school related book I’ve managed to finish reading this year. ::chuckles:: All in all, a good book. Even though none of the deities presented in the book (Anubis, Brigit, Aphrodite, and Gaia) are deities I work with, the various personal practices that each person brought to their connection with that deity did give me food for thought. Now I just need to convert the scribbled notes over to something a bit more understandable and figure out which practices I will use in my own path.

Alexia dropped a bit of a bombshell today – randomly mentioning that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. From what I have read…it’s kind of like a more severe version of Bipolar? With psychosis and self-injurious impulses. I’ll probably do a bit more research, just because mental disorders intrigue me.

Thankful Thursday #50

written: December 14th, 2017

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Finally! A bit of fun reading! Or at least reading of my own choosing that has nothing to do with libraries! ::laughs::

I am thankful:
1. That the luncheon and meeting that I had to attend for work today turned out to be just a luncheon and hang out. And I got paid to do that! Woot!
2. Catching up with Courtney – he’s a new zone leader that was an aide on my campus way back in the day when I first started working at the after school program. He’s an amazing leader and I know his campuses will do very well.
3. Having a number of students out today, which made the work day significantly easier – which is good, because the level of shenanigans and injuries and behavior bullshit was astronomical today.
4. Crazy Momma Bear momma from yesterday was a lot calmer (aka SANE)…even though her OTHER son got into trouble today. ::chuckles::
5. My mornings are my own once more. No classwork, no class assignments, nothing but me, my pitbull, and a good book. ::smiles:: Heaven on earth!
6. Watching Dexter in the evenings with my husband and a sleepy pitbull curled up in my lap.
7. Pleasant enough weather – it’s been bouncing between low 50s and low 60s.
8. Alexia is doing a much better job at work and is in a much better mood overall. She is still very much the loud and proud teenager, but it’s tolerable now. ::chuckles::
9. On a whole, how awesome my pack of students are at my after school program. I hear horror stories from other campuses all the time about INSANE shit going down, so I am DEEPLY grateful for the minor bumps in the road we have at my campus instead of the earth destroying hurricanes other campuses have. ::chuckles::
10. Being in a much better mood over all. I believe the bulk of my depression has lifted for now, and for every day that it is gone, I will be deeply grateful for that. I do plan in 2018 to do a much better job at tracking my depression and symptoms and talking to my doctor about them. This year was just brutal over all. BUT. I am still standing. I am still here. And that is something to be grateful for.

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Fuck it

written: Dec 13th

Photo for today:


Postcard I received from Missouri via Postcrossing.com.

It never fails. As I near the finish line for the 365 photo challenge, I start forgetting to take fucking photos. ::laughs:: Though, technically, I started the challenge on Nov 10, 2016 (my birthday), so technically, I was done on Nov 10, 2017….but it just felt weird to stop in the middle of the month…and so close to the end of the calendar year. So I figured I would just keep going. ::chuckles:: Just 18 days left. I can do it.

I am all done with the staff mid-year reviews.
The choir insanity…um…I mean PERFORMANCE is done, so they won’t be mucking up my cafeteria anymore (for now).
But now PTA is setting up for their Holiday Shop AND their Breakfast with Santa….so yeah, my cafeteria isn’t 100% MINE yet. Damn, I’m territorial. ::chuckles::
BUT, after this week…the cafeteria will return to being just mine. And then on that Wednesday, we have OUR Winter Break party. And then that Thursday is early release…and I’m out from work until January 8th.

I plan to do some cooking – gonna try my hand at making madeleines.
I plan to do a LOT of cleaning and decluttering.
I plan to do a lot of journaling and reading.
Hopefully the weather will be nice-ish and I can take Josey on a number of walks.
But mostly, I plan to just decompress and relax.
I fucking need it!

And while I’m thinking about it – as much as I hate to leave things undone, I’m tossing in the hat on the two photo challenges I had going this month. Maybe I’ll finish them before the year ends…maybe not. Either way, I’m giving myself permission to not feel bound to do them. Maybe I can do them next year.

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Breathing Room

Photo for today:

 

Awesome Yule card I received from Annette.
Today started with the AMAZING news that I got a 100% on my Final. This brings my overall grade for the course up to a 92. I’m VERY satisfied with that. And now my semester is DONE. I can kick back and relax until January. ::chuckles:: I just have 5 more courses to go – which will put my graduation date in Spring 2019.

Alexia’s evaluation went VERY well. Like, surprisingly well. And she’s asked for a copy because she said it had a lot of good pointers for her that she would like to have. Even if she’s just feeding me a line, she’s at least learning how to play the game. ::smiles:: I can work with that.

Today was the choir performance. Which means MY day was INSANE. But thankfully the choir performance is over and done and that is one more stressful item off my plate. Thank god. I feel like I can finally breathe again. Just seven more days left until Winter Break. Thank all that is holy for that. Just gotta hang on.

Diagnosis Thoughts

written: December 11th

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Lovely winter scene on a postcard I received today from Germany via Postcrossing. ::smiles:: I am so glad Deina turned me onto Postcrossing. I just love it.

So I posted on Facebook about the thought that crossed my mind that maybe I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar when I may have ADHD instead. And it’s amazing how people wanted to tell me not to let a label define me. I’m not looking for a definition…I’m looking for better information to help me find a way to survived. No, survive is too weak of a word. That is what I am doing currently – just surviving. And I’m tired of just surviving. I want to THRIVE already. And if a different diagnosis can aid in that? I will seize that life-raft and not look back.

I do a really good job in masking my pain. I am really good at faking it. Most people don’t even realize how badly I am struggling until I break completely. I am trying to be more honest with myself about how badly I am doing. I am just tired of doing all of that. I just want it to not be such a struggle. I’m tired of always fighting to keep my head above water. I think I’ve fucking earned a goddamn life-raft at this point.

Busted Wing

written: Dec 10th

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Busted lil wing from a butterfly. Perfectly sums up autumn…and how I’m personally feeling in this moment.

I’ve elected to put the two photo challenges on hold until I get my fucking final essays done for class. They are due Monday, so I’m really having to buckle down and FUCKING DO THEM ALREADY.
Focus is a goddamn joke right now. My suspicions that I may have been misdiagnosed as bipolar when indeed I may be ADD/ADHD instead are growing. It certainly would explain why none of the bipolar/antipsychotic medications did any lasting good.

So hopefully, once all the school and work shenanigans are over and done with for December, I can make an appointment with my general doctor and discuss this with her. Hell, I’m not even sure I want medication for this, just want to know if this is a possibility. Besides, it would take me a while to wrap my head around a change in diagnosis (possibly) – so it would also take me a while to wrap my head around a possibility of medication.

I’m very slow to embrace change. Hell, I’ve had this idea of ADHD vs Bipolar since August. ::chuckles:: The school’s special ed department came out and gave an hour talk on the major types of children we will come in contact with, some of the traits of each type, and ways to work with the students.

Yule Magick Box

written: Dec 9th

My “magickal mail” box from Inked Goddess Creations arrived today. It’s their Yule themed box and for $25, I thought it would be a good deal. I typically spend $15 to $20 on a specific Yule candle, and with this box, I would be getting a number of other items, so I thought, “what the hey, let’s do it.”
Box was a bit battered (thanks crazy postal people):

 

But seemed to be intact:

 

On top was the Yuletide Magick info card:
 

Man, this box smelled so amazing.

First up – “Mulling spices”:

 

You use this bag like you would use a tea bag…but instead of tea, I will be busting out some mead. ::grins:: Seems very straightforward and easy to do. I’ll do this for Yule and will write up how it turned out.

Next – Blessings & Protection Witch Bottle Ornament.

Info card with details:

 

The ornament itself:




The witch’s ball I made is currently hanging in the top window, directly in front of my bedroom door, so I’m thinking this one will hang either by the front door or in the kitchen box window greenhouse looking thing (where I’m currently drying holly sprigs).

WITCHY PLANNER STICKERS:

 

So fucking stoked about these. ::grins::

Yule Candle of some sort:



I was bummed that there was zero information about this candle in the box. It smells amazing.

Yule Magick Oil:

 

I’m on a huge oil kick right now, so I was happy to have a Yule oil included. So I now have oils specifically for Yule and Ostara – just need to get the other Sabbats covered at some point! ::chuckles::

It has Red Jasper and Green Aventurine gemstones in it:

 

Info card for the oil:

 

Yule Log Ritual Blessing Bag:

 

I have to admit, I just peeked in this one but haven’t really looked through it yet. Smells amazing and I can’t wait to get the fire pit set up and use this properly.

Next up is this cute Moon Cycle’s info card for 2018:

 

Backside:

 

I’ll probably make a photocopy of this to include in my Witch’s journal/almanac thing.

And last is a pocket calendar:

 

I was excited about the “magick” in the title, expecting at least to have the Sabbats listed on the calendar. But nope. Seems to be just another pocket calendar. ::shrugs:: I don’t have much use for those.

All in all, a very impressive little box for $25. I certainly wouldn’t do a subscription, but I will be keeping an eye on their future themes. I may do a year of their Sabbat boxes.

Thankful Thursday #49

written: Dec 7th

#WinterSolsticeChallenge: Day 7: Hot Tea and Book

 

Um….yeah. About that. ::chuckles:: How about a cup of hot chocolate coffee and one of the articles I am reading for my Archives final? That counts right?

#YuleFolkChallenge: Day 7: Fireplace

 

So yeah…it’s a candle…but there’s fire. So, yeah, that’s what I’m going with. We don’t use our actual fire place (we have speakers in front of part of it) and we don’t have wood yet for the outdoor fire pit. So this is the best I’ve got for that particular prompt.

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Yeah, so Alexia (one of my aides) snuck her phone into the gym and I caught her on it. I told her to go put it up and that she KNOWS she’s not supposed to have it. ::shakes her head:: Such bullshit. And then when they all came back from the gym, she just sat there, mean-mugging me for an hour. ::laughs:: She thinks she’s pissed now? Wait until I slap her with a write up about the phone – she’s getting that tomorrow. ::grins broadly:: It’ll also give me the chance to cover a number of other concerns I have.

But seriously? You gonna sit there, sulking, because I told you to put your fucking phone away (something you’ve ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN UP FOR)….and your mid-year review is Tuesday? How the fuck do you see that playing out? ::shakes her head:: And who the fuck sits and stares at their supervisor, pissed off, for a goddamn HOUR? Like seriously?

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Anyways. On to the Thankful Thursday!

I am thankful for….
1. My wicked sense of humor. I swear it’s the only thing keeping me relatively sane these days.
2. I’ve read two new articles for the Final Essays in Archives – I just need to locate one more and then I can get to writing! The end is near for this class and I’m ready to knock this last assignment out of the fucking park.
3. That Choir hasn’t been in the cafeteria to practice for their upcoming performance this week. Last year, they were in the cafeteria every day for 2 weeks leading up to the performance and I was going home each day with a migraine. Thus far, no practice in the cafeteria and no migraines.
4. Rewatching Dexter again with the husband. Such a good series.
5. Having a house and having the money that we can run the heater on these days that have become cold.
6. The goofy and fun times with my students. They haven’t been as plentiful this year, due to the fact that I’m running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to train my staff or dealing with being understaffed. But the handful of fun times I’ve had thus far are the only thing keeping me going at times in this job.
7. That the meeting with HR was productive and that I was damn near calm the entire time. My anxiety usually races out of control, but it was downright mellow the day off the meeting. Now I just need to set up the meeting with Kelly (the program supervisor) and go through all of my concerns with her.
8. Was able to trade the godawful “Banish” oil for a MUCH better smelling “Hecate” oil. I love the Sage Goddess Perfume Trading Post group on Facebook. I’ve been able to trade off oils I don’t like and get ones I do.
9. The neighborhood crows have returned in full force once more, even if one of them has discovered if it sits on this one specific light post, its caw echoes. And it LOVES hearing its caw echo. ::laughs::
10. The year is winding down.

Trees & Serpents

written: December 8th

#WinterSolsticeChallenge: Day 8: Winter Tree

 

Cute little light up Christmas tree Darby (former student) gave me last year. Fucking HATED her grandmother, but Darby herself wasn’t too terrible.

#YuleFolkChallenge: Day 8: Book

 

The inside cover of my current witch journal. It’s Latin for “Way of the Serpent”. I need to do some work in my journal, big time. I’m over a month behind. But I’m at least keeping notes to add into the journal when I get the time.

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Work was better today. I didn’t get to have the full chat with Alexia that I wanted to. She wanted no part of it. ::laughs:: But she signed off on her write up. Not my fault that she flat out refused to read it. I’m washing my hands of the situation at this point. Future fuck ups on her part will garner more write ups. That’s pretty much all I can do at this point.

In all honestly, this entire week has just plain sucked. I’m ready for it to be in the rear view already.
Plans for the weekend – finish up my Final essays and turn them the fuck in and be done with the damn class already. After that, who knows? The sky is the limit! ::laughs::

Downward Slide

written: December 6th

Today’s Hashtag Photos:

#WinterSolsticeChallenge: Day 6: My Work

 

This is my massive Bag Of Ingredients that I took over to Hazel’s to make witch balls back on December 2nd. I haven’t slowed down since then long enough to actually put that bag of ingredients away properly. They’re just sitting in the same, bright yellow canvas bag, and I just move it to a new spot whenever it is in the way. ::laughs:: Hopefully, this weekend, I can tackle that.

#YuleFolkChallenge: Day 6: Fir

 

While I have a lot of pine trees in the neighborhood, I don’t know of any fir trees. So this little sample bottle of “Fir” essential oil is the best I can do. ::chuckles:: I should have put one of the fox tails in the background, for another spin on fir/fur. Oh well.

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Another cold day here – I think we made it up into the 50s today…but not sure. But, given that it IS December 6th…I guess we should start having days cooler than the low 80s. ::chuckles::

I addressed the remainder of my Holiday Cards today. I need to get another set of the winter bird stamps, so I can completely finish it up. I’ve already mailed out the overseas cards, and dropped the Canadian cards in the mail as well. The rest are all within the States, so I can hold off mailing those for a little while longer. ::smiles::

I finished reading and highlighting two articles for my final essays. I just need one more article and then I can get to cracking on the writing aspect. My motivation is GONE. ::sighs:: Just ready for the semester to be over so I can just coast at work until Winter Break. ::chuckles::

Do Better

Ok, first things first. Let’s run through the various photo prompts.

#YuleFolkChallenge: Day 4: Acorn (because I straight up forgot to do this one even though I HAVE acorns):
 

This is one of the newest Beast Acorns I’ve picked up in my walks with Josey.

 

Like this beast is thicker than my THUMB.

 

And it’s not like I have dainty lil women’s hands either.

#YuleFolkChallenge: Day 5: Wreath

 

Yeah, I don’t have any Christmas wreaths…so I made due with a photo of the Snake Wreath that Annette sent me back in October. ::chuckles::

#WinterSolsticeChallenge: Day 5: Witchy Familiar

 

Eh, have a photo of Josey. I don’t consider her a familiar, but more like a “guardian” during ritual/magick work. She sits on the outside of my Circle and just watches. ::smiles::
*****
I had my meeting with HR today and for the most part it went very well. He’s requesting that I have a meeting with Kelly (the program supervisor). He’s going to reach out to her in the next 24 hours to broach the subject, but then I need to get in contact with her to set up a meeting.
 

Honestly, I was nervous as shit last night, but this morning, I felt pretty damn confident. My dreams were all me taking charge in various situations and I felt I had the Harpies’ blessings/protection so I was good to go. 

My new aide, Madeline, started today. Honestly, I am so burnt out on training new people I barely did anything with her today. I am struggling with keeping my head above water. I can’t be saving other people as well. Not today.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I won’t have the HR meeting hanging over my head. Tomorrow I won’t have all the technology issues PLUS having to devote so much time to Technology Dude (who is creepy and needy and just LOVES hanging out with me). Tomorrow, I will give Madeline the school tour and give her a real run down of how I run my program and what I expect of my staff. Tomorrow…tomorrow I will do better. That is all I can do at this point.

Just twelve more days until Winter Break. I can make it.