Meh

I'm feeling a bit "meh" about my job and it's pissing me off.  All I'm pretty much doing at this point is all these fucking arts and crafts.  And it seems any time I try to step out of that role, I get into some sort of trouble.  Granted, it isn't major trouble.  But still.  I like feeling like I have room to grow and do new things.  I like having new challenges.  And I like feeling appreciated.

Not saying that I'm not appreciated at my job currently.  My director does regularly tell me she appreciates the hard work I do.  And quite a few of my coworkers do the same.  And certain patrons from time to time do as well.

But over all?  I just don't feel it.  ::shrugs::

I guess I'm just missing the direct impact I could see daily that I was having in the after school program.  Granted, that place had more than it's fair share of bullshit.  I definitely did NOT feel appreciated one bit by the higher ups.  But the parents, the teachers, and the kiddos definitely did appreciate me.  I miss having those connections with the students -- getting to see them progress from clueless lil kindergartners up to 5th graders with distinct personalities and opinions and senses of humor unique to themselves.  Even more so, when they would have younger siblings, so I would get to see the students that I had originally had has kindergartners, but are now in high school.

I also sorely miss working just part time for about the same pay as I'm getting working full time at the library.  Granted, the benefits at the library are better, and I don't have to worry about finding a job for the summer break, or having lean pay checks due to Winter Break, Spring Break, Thanksgiving Break, or the other various school holidays. 

Eh, enough of that.  I dunno.  I just feel like the core part of ME that makes ME ME is being eclipsed.  Like I'm hiding it instead of letting it shine.  And this job kind of requires it.  When people say shitty things (like how Black Lives Matters is a hate group just like the Klan) -- I am NOT ALLOWED to say anything back.  I am not allowed to speak up.  I'm not allowed to challenge them.  And I fucking hate that. 

I am a mouthy-bitch.  Ask anyone who knows me.  I speak up.  I've made it a point to speak up more.  Because my privilege shields me from a lot of the back-lash.  So I SHOULD speak up more, for those who cannot do so safely.  But my job requires me not to, and that just rubs me so fucking wrong.

Wisdom from Hannibal Lecter

Seriously potent dreams last night – all night. But the one that stood out the most:

I was a werewolf, down in a valley, in human form. I was there with my ex from high school (sweet guy), and a couple of friends. We were all walking up out of the valley, but I was scoping a good place to have sex. ::laughs:: And some of my friends there knew it.

And of course, one of them was interested in joining me for that endeavor. And my ex stood up and had this comical massive boner in his white pants. These two guys squared off, with this massive tents in their pants.

And I just started walking off to find a good place to have sex. I found a clearing with this cobalt blue stone ledge – almost like an altar stone. I thought this would be perfect. But then I saw another one higher up. And I just kept going higher and higher.

But the higher up this mountain I went, the less ground there was under the blue stone. And all these people, male and female are racing up this mountain after me. They all want to fuck me. I know this. And I, honestly, just want to be left alone.

I wrapped myself around an oak tree and begged them to stop. All their combined weight was going to bring the ledge crashing down. And sure enough, me and my oak tree crash down a good hundred feet to the ground.

I am back in wolf form and curled up in Hannibal Lecter’s (in Silence of the Lambs) lap. I told him that at least when I was a wolf, I knew that when they wanted to screw me, it was the strongest male and it was for the betterment of the species. But now? Now it was just a pissing contest.

He stroked my head. I told him I was tired of being a werewolf. I asked him if I stopped eating the pack food, if I could go back to being a regular wolf. He said that would indeed happen. I asked him what would my life look like. He told me, since I hadn’t grown up a wolf, I wouldn’t know how to be a wild wolf. So the best I could hope for was a zoo. A life in a cage.

He stroked my head again. He looked me in the eye and said “There’s no going back from enlightenment. But you CAN choose where you go forward with that enlightenment.”

And I woke up. Talk about some serious words of wisdom there.

Oils, Oils, and More Oils

An occult writer and creator that I follow on Facebook, The Nephilim Rising, shared a link to an online sigil maker. So quick and easy and FUN to use. I ended up goofing around on it, and typed in the name I am thinking of using for my shop (when I get around to opening it), and I immediately fell in LOVE with the sigil it created. It even aligns with the artwork I’m hoping to have turned into my logo. ::chuckles:: So I’ll find a way to incorporate the sigil into my logo design somehow.

And then, I had the grand idea of creating a sigil for each one of the oils I make. I could then print the oil’s sigil along with the name of the oil and attach that to the bottle of oil. You know, to give it just that little extra oomph to the magickal aspect. I friggin’ LOVE the idea and the sigils look pretty damn cool as well. And that’s the beauty of sigils. They are small and pretty easy to recreate.

The next oil I was intending to make was Van Van oil (a general all around good luck oil), but I came across an oil specifically for the New Year. I would love to get that one made and ready to go in time for 2021, so that’s what I’ll be making next. Van Van oil is pushed out until the December Full Moon.

I do need to sit down at some point and catalog all the oils and herbs I currently have. And then I need to figure out what magickal oils I want to make, so I know what supplies I will need. I REALLY need to clean off the white desk I have. It would be the perfect working altar area to dedicate solely to the creation of my magickal oils. It has plenty of shelf space for herbs and oils. And plenty of desk space for workings, mixing, blessing, and bottling.

Since I have Thursday and Friday off, I am focusing solely on boxing up and shipping out the Fiery Wall of Protection Oils. I have been procrastinating WAY too hard on that. But I have the boxes and the papers, and the charms and everything that I need/want, so there’s no reason for me NOT to get them all done. Just need to put the finishing touches on the bottles and mail them the fuck out already.

I also need to update my Oil Binder. I need to write down my Fiery Wall of Protection recipe. I have ugly notes scribbled down, but I want to rewrite it so it actually looks half-way decent and add it to my Tried and True section of my binder.

39 Goals

It’s a yearly tradition of mine to make a list of goals on my birthday – 1 goal for each year I am alive. So, since I’m turning 39 this year, here is my list of 39 goals.

Seeing as how 2020 was SUCH a curve ball, I’ve opted to keep quite a few of the goals small, to make them more achievable. Because, let’s be realistic. Even if we have a working vaccine by the end of the year, we will have a raging dumpster fire for a nation, and that isn’t going to change overnight.

So without further ado, here are my goals:
1. attend AD’s graduation
2. celebrate 15 years NSSI free anniversary
3. get my license to carry my handgun
4. celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary
5. do a photo shoot with Dee Hill Photography
6. celebrate every full moon
7. draw 52 snakes
8. make my own sourdough starter
9. try out acrylic fluid painting
10. visit a new-to-me Pagan store
11. have $8k in savings
12. grow my own sweet woodruff
13. plant 2 native plants for the hummingbirds
14. propagate a cutting from Mom’s peace rose bush
15. read 50 NEW books
16. use the elliptical 3 times a week
17. get a snake tattoo
18. blue hair
19. print my 2020 LikeBook
20. take a photography class
21. completely clean out my closet
22. properly organize my closet
23. four Zoo trips
24. work in my Grimoire once a week (minimum)
25. buy a printer
26. draw something every week (not including the snakes)
27. buy new sheets for my bed
28. try out 12 new magickal oils
29. buy 4 new towels
30. check out the Krav Maga place just down the street
31. send in a secret to PostSecret
32. print out my 2020 blog
33. celebrate my 40th birthday
34. collect all of the SoulTopia Crystal Oracle cards
35. visit the Japanese Botanical Gardens
36. get a new cell phone
37. research possibly starting my own etsy shop
38. re-watch The Last Unicorn and make a large bowl of popcorn to enjoy during the movie
39. reorganize my Starbucks card collection

Catching Up

Let’s see, it’s time to play catch-up once more.

Oil
Fiery Wall of Protection oil looks AMAZING now. She’s taken on this gorgeous red hue.

My lil bottles have arrived, and I’ve already sold THREE bottles. I’m so stoked. I have a feeling I should make this oil again soon, as I made it in a smaller jar than I’ve made my previous oils. I also need to type up my notes and get it finalized. This oil is nice and potent. When I was filling up the three bottles for a friend, I could FEEL the bottles heating up. I’m usually energy “deaf”, but I could feel my hands and the bottles literally getting HOT as I filled up each bottle. AWESOME. I’m super excited about this.

Husband’s Job
Last Friday, the company my husband works for, I’ll call it Company A, was bought out by Company B. This meant my husband was laid off. BUT, Company B brought him on immediately, to do the same job, at the same position, for the same pay. He also got to keep all of his current PTO and is getting a sign on bonus.

The kicker was that he had paperwork that he needed me to print out and bring home to him. Then he needed to sign it and get it emailed back to Company B. The sooner the better to ensure he got the sign on bonus. So I went up to work to scan husband’s paperwork.

Tire
I apparently picked up a nail or screw when I was up at work. It completely deflated my tire. I mean, flat as a damn pancake. ::sighs:: So Monday, I took my husband’s car to work.

Birthday
My birthday was Tuesday, and I had the day off. The ORIGINAL plan was to go to the zoo, but seeing as I had a completely flat tire, that was off the table. Instead, I went over to Discount Tire and got a brand new tire. Luckily, my tires are still under warranty, so it only cost me $16.50. Woohoo. Not too shabby.

The Rear-Ending
As I drove home from Discount Tire, I was waiting for the traffic to begin moving at a light that had just turned green. I happened to look up into my rear view mirror and saw this white car just barreling towards me. I’m in the middle lane with a massive truck in front of me. Nowhere to go. I was thinking to myself, “I do NOT want to start off my final year in my 30s in the fucking hospital.” Luckily, the car swerves into the left lane, clipping my car instead of full on hitting me. But yeah....merry fucking happy birthday to me:

Of course, when I get home, the last thing I want to do is leave the fucking house, so we opt to order Dominos and stay in. I get a lovely phone call from my brother with Lil Nephew, Lil Niece, and Littlest Niece to wish me a happy birthday. Plus my mom had called earlier in the day to sing me happy birthday. And I got tons of birthday well wishes on Facebook, so it wasn’t an overall terrible day. But yeah, was NOT leaving the house. ::chuckles::

I call work and tell them I won’t be in the next day (Wednesday), as I’m sore and will be playing with insurance companies all day to see what to do about my poor car.

Belated Birthday Dinner
Husband suggested we go to Red Lobster Wednesday for dessert. We end up just eating a nice meal. And we kept up our tradition of kissing on the veranda. We just did it 2020-style:

Car Repairs
It took a while, but they FINALLY got the claim released to the place I’m getting my car repaired at today. I’ll be dropping my car off on Monday, bright and early at 8:15 am. The insurance is also paying for a rental car. It should be at the repair place at 9 am (the earliest they could be there). I figure I will have to fill out some paperwork anyways and don’t mind waiting at that point.

Since I spent almost ALL of today on the phone with the insurance company AND the car rental place to get all of this squared away. And I still want to verify the car rental – hopefully I can do that online and won’t have to call. I’ll check that shortly so that if I DO have to call, I can get that done tomorrow before noon.

Reward
So as a reward for doing all the damn Adulting today and all the phone calls (I HATE talking on the phone), I have treated myself to a trip to the Zoo on Sunday. Their COVID-19 protocol requires you to buy the ticket in advanced, so I’ve already bought it. And I’ll print it at work tomorrow, and then go to the Zoo on Sunday. I’m excited about that. Can’t wait. I can’t remember the last time I was at the zoo. I need some photography and animal therapy.

Another Magickal Oil

The last ingredients finally arrived today so I was finally able to put the finishing touches on my Fiery Wall of Protection Oil.

She’s not my prettiest oil currently, but holy fuck, she smells AMAZING and will KNOCK your socks OFF.

I’m planning to shake it daily until the New Moon and then officially crack her open for use.

My hands smell strongly of cinnamon and dragon’s blood right now and I friggin’ LOVE it.

Now I just need to restock my collection little jars so I can share it friends. I’m thinking most likely, that this will be part of what I give to my coven-mates for Yule.

Feathered Friends

I spent part of my lunch break out feeding my feathered friends.

Alas, they were down at a part of the pond that has a steep drop off to the water, so I wasn’t able to get close enough to see if I could hand feed them this time around. But, progress is progress, and it’s a serious stress reliever for me, to just sit out there and feed them. Plus, we have a few new species of ducks out in the pond, so that was cool to see.

As long as the weather is nice on my lunch breaks, I plan to go out and feed them. I need to time to just relax and hang out with my feathered buddies and not think about anything other than just hanging out with them. ::smiles:: Plus, I’m still working towards my goal of petting a Canada goose and living to tell the tale. I’ve touched one, yes. But haven’t actually PET it just yet.

It reminds me – one of my uncles or cousins or someone related to me, had this special pond out at his house. And every day, at dusk, he’d go out and whistle. And within minutes, these HUGE catfish would come up to the surface of the water because they knew he was going to throw out food for them. I would like to do the same for my feathered friends. Some sort of whistle so they know it’s me and that I’m coming with food. ::smiles::

Migraine

Well, yesterday sucked ass. I woke up with a migraine. I popped all the prescription pills I could and thought I was good. The migraine subsided…until I got TO work. ::sighs:: And then it came back with a vengeance. But there was no way I could take any more at that point.

Doesn’t help that we are currently have the Library’s roof completely re-done. I don’t mean just new shingles. Oh no. Of course not. No, we are cutting off the roof in pieces. Then rebuilding that. And eventually we’ll get to the new shingles. ::shakes her head:: Yeah, definitely NOT a good place for a damn migraine. I ended up having to leave at 10:45. There was just no way I could stay.

I ended up coming home and sleeping until 2:45 pm. But thankfully, at that point, the migraine was gone. I was just left the with the “bruised brain” feeling after the migraine.

It’s been a bit since I’ve have one to that level.

Witches' New Year

 written: November 2nd

Oh my, where to begin? So much has happened.

I did end up going to Lil Hometown for the funeral for my Great Aunt. It was lovely…though very, very Christian. But then again…I’m pretty much the only non-Christian in a very Jesus-loving family, so it’s to be expected. ::chuckles:: Julie, my cousin, even came up to me before the funeral, specifically to check in with me, because she’s read my various Facebook posts about how my mental health has been spiraling out of control. I damn near started crying right there. I mean, here we are, burying HER grandmother, but she’s checking on ME.

I had a grand time hanging out with my Mom and her puppers. I FINALLY got the pups calm and still and practically asleep. Mom calls me the dog whisperer. Here’s a picture she snapped of me with the puppers:

I also got to pick up the pieces of the century plant that my Mom kept for me from when it bloomed. I have some log pieces and some pieces with dried flower pods on them. I figure this has GOT to be good for some longevity spell work. I mean, the plant only blooms once a century!

AND, I was also able to pick up the boar’s skull my Mom has also been holding onto for me as well.

Check out those damn tusks:

This skull has been exposed to the elements for the past two years, and yet those tusks are pristine white and still razor sharp. Feral hogs are NO joke here in Texas.

This guy, I’m going to clean up, paint some designs on, and then hang his skull up as a house guardian. Even my husband is pretty enthusiastic about the idea. I mean…who doesn’t want a feral boar spirit protecting one’s house? Doesn’t get more beefed up, more dangerous, or more territorial than that!

The day after the funeral, I got some quiet time out at the cemetery to just hang out with and chat with my grandparents at their grave. I gave them up an update on all the things going on in my life. I told them about the cool things David’s doing with the house, and funny stories from work. I told them how much I missed them both. And I reminded them that they are always welcome in my home. It doesn’t have to be Samhain for them to stop by. It was a nice visit with them.

Samhain for me was a bust.
Therapy that morning went really well. I like the therapist and she had some really good ideas and insights for me that I’ll be looking more into soon. I do however need to change my next appointments. I had my work days marked wrong on the calendar, so I’m actually working the days that I thought I had off, and thus had scheduled my appointments for those days. Hopefully, I can just switch those from the Saturday appointment to Friday and be all good.

I didn’t get around to getting a pumpkin and by the time I DID try to find one…there were none to be found. ::sighs:: I think this is like the 2nd year now that I’ve not had a jack o’ lantern. Oh well. And then…around 4 pm, I had a migraine come out of left field and just flat line me for a while.

So really....I didn’t do much for Samhain. I enjoyed the full moon. I watched Beetlejuice with my husband. I cuddled with my dog. But that’s about it.

And then yesterday (Nov 1st), I decide I’m going to make the Fiery Wall of Protection oil, as I still had time to harness the full moon energy. So I get all prepped to do that…only to realize I’m missing a key ingredient AND two oils. ::grumbles:: Like, really? SO, I’ve ordered the remaining items I need and should have them here by the end of the week (hopefully). But I went ahead and put together the dry ingredients and essential oils I DO have, so those can at least meld together and soak up that blue moon energy. Once the other ingredients arrive, I’ll add those in. As of right now, holy cow, this smells AMAZING.

I’m putting together a mini-binder for all my oil recipes. Some of the recipes require ingredients that I’ll be able to wildharvest in the spring, so I want to make note of that. Like, honeysuckle flowers. There are some major honeysuckle plants over by the old apartments that I’ll be able to harvest flowers from easily, without having to take all of the flowers for the recipe. Plus, the beauty of using a binder is that I can rearrange things as I see fit. And I need to make a little planner to put in it, to track the full moons for 2021, as that’s when I’m making my oils. And then I can just list what oils I’ll be making on what full moon.