PSA

I posted this yesterday to my FaceBook page:
My PSA for the day.
If someone tells you that are allergic to something…FUCKING BELIEVE THEM!!!!!!!
Yeah this is what I am rocking TWO WEEKS after quasi-supervisor’s stunt.
I look like a leopard with all my various spots.
And this is but a fraction. I have been taking enough benadryl daily to probably kill an elephant. And I got a heavy dose of steroids and prednisone injected into my hip this morning. And I still look THIS BAD.
The hives and rash cover my entire neck front and sides. It covers my entire chest down to the bottom of my rib cage. It covers both shoulders and is starting to go down my arms. And it’s beginning to show up on my face.
All of this because one asshole decided to “test” my allergy.

All I Wanted for Christmas

was to NOT have fucking HIVES.

::sighs:: Yeah, so I’ve been battling hives since quasi-supervisor did his lil stunt of testing my allergies to a cleaning agent that I specifically told him not to use. Hell, I even told him that I would wipe down the desk after he used it, so it wasn’t like it was putting him out or anything.

At that point, I had 2 or 3 hives up on my neck. It has slowly spread to my chest, neck, and left shoulder. And today I have 4 on my face. ::sighs:: I’ve been taking Benadryl like it’s friggin’ candy and that keeps the itching to a minimum, but the hives themselves are still there.

So yeah, I’ve made an appointment with my doctor on Wednesday (because that’s the first day I could get in early enough to miss the least amount of work), so HOPEFULLY she can do something to get rid of these damn things.

I think I’m up to 14 or 15 hives now. And the original ones are peeling and itching. It’s fucking fabulous, lemme tell ya.

Honestly, if they weren’t spreading up my face, I don’t think I would care that much. But I have two on my jaw, and one above my left eye and that has me concerned. I mean, that can’t be good, right?

I just want to know what the hell is triggering it. I’ve changed my bed sheets. I’ve washed all the blankets in the house that I use. I’ve washed all my clothing. I haven’t changed any laundry soap or shower soap or anything along those lines. Eating habits are pretty much the same. I mean, cedar is out of control right now, which is wreaking havoc on Hubs and my seasonal allergies. But that’s the standard sneezing, itchy eyes, and runny nose stuff. Hives are completely new – well except for when I learned, the hard way, that I’m allergic to lithium. ::sighs::

Man, I guess 2020 ain’t done with me yet.

Not What I Had in Mind

Definitely NOT what I had in mind when I wrote my previous entry about “letting go”.

But that seems to be the running theme of 2020, doesn’t it?

I received the news today that my longtime journaling friend, Ray, passed away this morning due to COVID.

I knew it was coming. He was 70+ years old. He’s battled and BEATEN colon cancer twice. He was a gay man FIGHTING for the right to simply EXIST throughout most of his life.

And this year, he’s been in and out of the hospital more times than the all the years I’ve known him combined.

And I just knew, when his sister said he was in the hospital with COVID....I knew he wasn’t coming back this time. I knew it in my heart, even as I fought to remain optimistic. Hell, I couldn’t even muster up the energy to light a candle for healing. Because I simply knew.

Annie, another longtime journaling friend, reached out to me last night, to touch base and see how I was holding up. And man, it was like the flood gates just opened up for me. Admitting it out loud brought so many tears. And, even with her carrying the entire world on her exhausted shoulders, she asked what she could do to support me during this time. Beyond touched and humbled and so deeply, deeply grateful. I bawled like a baby. I only said that I wished I didn’t have to go to work the next day, because I was sure I would be getting notification that he passed. BUT that if I didn’t go to work, then I would just sit at home, dwelling and compulsively checking for updates – and that had already trashed my mental health for that day. So going to work would give me something else to focus on.

Yeah. I got the notification at 10:15 am at work, that Ray had passed. I was out on desk at the time, but thankfully there were no patrons in my area. I covered my face and swallowed my tears. I calmly packed up all my stuff and sought out Paul, our supervisor on Saturdays. (I really should do a break down on my coworkers and various supervisors). I told him that I had just been told that a dear friend had passed from COVID and that I needed to go home. I got choked up at the end of that.

I made it to my car before I broke down completely. I had to sit in my car for a good 10 minutes before I could get myself under control enough to drive home.

I wish I could have spent some time with my geese army. But I just needed to get home and curl up and work through my grief as it comes.

Letting Go

If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s to let go of things that I initially thought were Super Important, but turn out to be not-quite-so-important.

Typically, at this point in the year, I would be gearing up hard-core for my Tabula Rasa ritual. It’s a ritual I came across ages ago in a Sage Woman magazine. It’s a clean slate ritual. Essentially, you go through the past year, and tally up the good and the bad the past year brought you. You celebrate the good. You figure out where you could do better in regards to the bad. Then release the bad. You do a year ahead Tarot/Oracle reading and set your intentions for the coming year.

I say “typically”, because I’m not doing that this year. I kind of already checked in on my high points in my Christmas cards I sent out this year. With my mental state this year, I kept a firm eye on any and all achievements and reminded myself, that while the year may have been an utter shit show as a whole, there was still a lot of good packed into it all the same. I had a lot of things to be grateful for all the same. And I will NOT be tallying up the bad. Because, that will NOT be helpful AT ALL for my mental health right now. I know how dark it’s gotten for me at points. I know how to pull myself out of those (been doing that fucking year, thank you VERY much). And I know what to do in the future to hopefully turn the tides before they become that dark again. So why lay it all back out in stark black and white? Um, yeah, that’s a hard pass from me.

I will, however, write down the things I intend to leave behind in 2020 and gleefully burn those.

I think between my birthday goals (39 goals for my 39th year), plus 101 goals in 1001 days…I do believe I more than have a handle on setting my intentions for the coming year. I have my word of the year chosen. I just need to finish up the page on it. I’m debating between two different totems for the year. Normally, I would be bull-headed and just push through it and choose one. But, I’m letting go of that. Instead, I’m electing to sit back, and see which one takes the forefront.

Or perhaps, I am meant to have both of these totems for 2021. It wouldn’t surprise me. After all, 2020 changed its totem and its word half way through the year.

Recapping

Crazy times in the life of this Lil Wolf.

I got into a minor tiff with my quasi-supervisor because he elected to use a sanitizer that I specifically asked him NOT to use because I’m allergic to it. He used it anyways and said it would dry. Like that would negate any allergic reaction. ::rolls her eyes so damn hard:: Yeah, I made sure to clean it again with the cleaning alcohol we have, but I didn’t get it all. I ended up with mild hives on my wrists, between my fingers, and up my forearms.

AND, on top of that, he was switching out some of the shelves in the picture book area, and kept coming over to the desk to use STUPID amounts of hand sanitizer. Which I asked him, three times, that if he was going to use that stuff, to please not use it around me – because it triggers migraines. But of course, he completely ignored that as well. ::sighs::

So yeah, I ended up rocking a solid 3-day migraine off that. But, I talked to the Director about it and she removed those cleaning products from the youth desk AND apparently read him the riot act over it. Honestly, I get the feeling that he was “testing” my allergy to see if it was real or not. And, if I had a shred of proof beyond my gut feeling, I would be reporting his ass to our HR department so damn fast. That shit is NOT cool. If someone tells you they are allergic to something, or that something triggers a negative reaction (be it medical or otherwise), do NOT be a dick and “test” it. And seriously, if I get wind of any of my friends doing this, I will give them one hell of a verbal and/or physical ass beating over it with zero hesitation. That shit is NOT COOL AT ALL.

My feeding of the Canada geese continues to go extremely well. They now come when I yell out “GEESIES” and shake the bag of cracked corn I have. ::laughs:: I have people that stop and watch me, completely baffled, that they come when they are called. Baffled even more that I hand feed the flock. And even MORE baffled when I chide the various bully geese and turn my back on them and refuse to feed them until they behave. ::laughs:: But so far, no one has taken me up on my offer to share the goose food and let them hand feed the geese. ::grins:: Can’t imagine why.

Oh, and going back to the three-day migraine…I got a super awesome surprise. A pen pal sent me a plush Canada goose!

I look like crap in the photo, but, hey, a three-day migraine ain’t a walk in the park. But I was so happy with the gift, I had to share a photo of it on Facebook. Plus, my pen pal didn’t put who the gift was from, so I had to figure out who it was from. ::chuckles:: Wendy is awesome that way. Currently, the goose sits on the table I put my wallet and iPod on. I’m debating if it will go up to work to hang out in my cubicle, or if it will migrate up to my bedroom. I’m thinking work, because I don’t always get to feed my wild geese friends and some days, I seriously need my geese time.

I got a 40 cent raise at work that will kick in at the new year. But I also found out that I’m currently only making a dollar more an hour than the part time staff with zero library training or degree and that has seriously pissed me the fuck off. Like, I have a goddamn MASTER’S degree, and part time staff is making a dollar less than me? What the ever loving fuck? ALMOST makes me wish I had taken the job with the Da. Library – the pay was significantly higher. But they had to furlough the bulk of their staff, so I would have been out of job for part of this year. ::sighs:: Yeah, once the COVID shit is sorted, I will be looking for another job pronto.

Kidney

 

Yep, ended up being another kidney stone.  This shit AIN'T FUN AT ALL.  I could feel this one as it left my kidney and traveled to my bladder -- that's what all the side/back/hip pain was about.  But let me tell you, that was NOTHING compared to the final journey out of the body.  ::shakes her head::  Yeah, if I never have to do that again, it will be too soon.

Brandy, my Canadian Twin, recommended some natural supplements to help.  She's prone to kidney stones, and says this is a friggin' god send.  It helps lessen the stones formation over all, and make the stones that do form, form smaller, so they are much easier to pass.  I immediately hopped on Amazon and bought it -- price be damned.  

I've also looked into diet changes.  Gotta cut back on my salt intake and my sugar intake.  Ya know you are getting old, when your husband asks you want you want for Christmas and you say a blender and a food processor.  ::laughs::  With the blender, I'll be trying out some of Mary's smoothie recipes to up my fruit and veggie intake.  The food processor is because I plan to start my insane acorn processing journey soon!  And I am NOT grinding those damn acorns by hand to make into flour.  Hell to the no.  ::laughs::

Just need the weather to stay nice for a few days, so I can go collect a bunch of the burr oak acorns at my local library.  There's an oak tree by the library I work at that also has some big acorns (not as big as burr oaks), that I plan to gather up each time I go out to my car on break.  ::smiles::  I figure, I can gather quite a few throughout the day, each day that the weather is nice. 

Kidney or Ovary

I’m rocking either another kidney stone, or another ovarian cyst. Time will tell. But holy hell, this pain ain’t fun. Don’t worry, I am keeping an eye on it, and it if gets bad, I will take my ass to the ER. Or, if I’m still at this level of pain come Monday, I’ll make an appointment with my primary doctor. I am currently chugging water. Will be picking up pomegranate juice tomorrow.

I’m just writing down the notes right now, so I can know in case this happens again in the future. It’s been YEARS since I had an ovarian cyst rupture, so I’m not clear on what the symptoms where leading up to it.

Sharp pain, left side, about an inch in from the top of my hip bone. Also reflected on the same side on my back. Makes deep breathing a bit difficult at times. Pain comes in waves from a dull ache to a seriously sharp stabbing pain.

Mild pain in the groin area, about an inch above the pubis bone.

Rambles

Job

Feeling less “meh” about my job. I was just hitting my mental breaking point about the damn Holiday in a Bag kits. I was really feeling the pressure to get all 250 bags done asap. And there were so many roadblocks and screw-ups in the process that just continued to slow me down. I missed the deadline and I was really beating myself up over it.

Surprisingly, quasi-supervisor was super chill about it and told me not to sweat it. It will get done when it gets done. And if I needed any help with the kits, to feel free to rope in some of the part time staff in whatever use I needed. ::chuckles:: Once I actually got all the damn bags done, I felt immensely better.

I also celebrated my 1 year anniversary at the Library. Director told me that HR has FINALLY cleared her to hire on a part timer specifically to help out the Youth Department. Oh my lordy, that would be such a blessing. Apparently, Director has been pushing this for MONTHS and has just now gotten the green light. She didn’t want to say anything until she knew it was a go, so now she can list the job and hopefully start interviewing. Having a dedicated part timer to help out just with Youth stuff is going to be AMAZING. I am legit excited about the prospect.

November Full Moon
I opted not to make an oil this past full moon. Man, I was just feeling SO beat down and worn out. I just needed a break. I instead just rested, and basked in the glory of the full moon. And I’m noticing that with eclipses, I tend to have zero energy. I’ll have to keep an eye on that in the future and see if that continues to be a trend or not.

So, I’m already planning for December’s full moon (not until December 29th), but I’ll be trying my hand at the famous Van Van oil. I’ve gone ahead and ordered the two oils that I need for this particular magickal oil. I will be swinging by the local Pagan store to pick up the dried Lemongrass I need.

Apparently, Lemongrass repels mosquitoes as well. So I will certainly be looking into growing some of those in some planters for the spring and summer time. This plant apparently does well in planters and containers, so it would be nice to have a few pots around the back and front patios. Even if it doesn’t fully repel the mosquitoes, it’s supposed to have a very nice, light lemon aroma, so that will be nice. Plus, there’s the whole magickal side of it AND it makes a good tea, I hear. So yeah, lots of benefits to growing this little grass in the future.

Turkey Day
Didn’t go down to see my family for Turkey Day. Probably could have and would have been fine. But given how the COVID numbers here in the metroplex are EXPLODING and my particular city is going back into partial lock-down (one must have an appointment to enter any City building, must be wearing appropriate mask, AND will have a temperature check before allowed inside the building), I just didn’t feel comfortable risking it. I work with the public, and I would feel absolutely terrible if I unknowingly passed on COVID to my brother and his family, or to my mom.

Mom says Brother was actually pretty bummed that I didn’t come down. That melted my lil stone heart a bit. ::chuckles:: Hopefully, once we get a good vaccine going, we can go back to semi-normalcy of seeing each other 3 or 4 times a year again.

COVID
We got notification yesterday that one of our staff has tested positive for COVID. So yeah. That’s a fun bit of news. They are pretty sure the staff member hasn’t been to work in the time frame of being contagious, but aren’t 100% sure. And of course, they can’t say WHO it is either. So yeah, anxiety is riding a bit high right now.

Yule
With a coworker testing positive, I will certainly not be going to the Coven’s in person Yule ritual. I mean, I had already made up my mind that it wasn’t worth the risk, but this just seals the deal 100% for me. I was thinking I would just drop off the holly branches (for ritual) and the gifts at the High Priestess’s house beforehand, but that kind of defeats the purpose of not going to the ritual itself. So, I am thinking they will just have to make do without the holly. And I’ll mail them their gifts at a later date, once I’m beyond the 14 day mark, just to be safe.

I know, I know, I could just go get a COVID test, but those lines are so damn long these days, I would have to take an entire day off of work just to do that. And the current turn around wait in our County is 3 to 4 days. So yeah, I’m just going to do the whole “wait and see”. Probably not my smartest idea....but also definitely not the stupidest thing I’ve ever done either. ::chuckles::