Thursday, February 28, 2013

International Polar Bear Day and Some Magick


artwork via Pinterest

Happy International Polar Bear Day.

I really had to slam on the breaks today on an impulse buy.  My favorite Eskimo artist has a new hair stick up for sale:

That's polar bear fur on the ends.  And man, do I want it.  But it's $90.  And while I do have the money, it's crazy to spend that on a hair stick I'll never use.  My hair is too fine to use a hair stick like this and actually expect it to stay put.  I even told myself I'd use it as a wand instead.  But the stick part is a scant 3.75 inches long.  That's just too dainty for me.  So I'll just dream about it instead and not purchase it.

Guess my new medication is working.  I'm off of Seroquel and now on Geodon.  I've been on the samples for about a week and a half now and will pick up my 30 day supply tomorrow -- to the tune of $105.  *sighs*  Glad I have income tax return money.  This whole being crazy is EXPENSIVE! 

Jo Ann, a member of my journaling group, wrote a nice journal entry yesterday that really resonated with me.

Now, I'm not Christian, so I merely substitute "Divine" where she writes "God" and "Jesus".  But all in all, a very profound journal entry that I really needed to read.

I'm terrible with self-doubt.  I'm horrible at telling myself I'm not worth the effort and/or time. 
And so, I'm ready to change that.  Instead, I'm telling myself over and over that I AM worth the time and effort.
I'm worth the time and effort to do the small rituals and cermonies I like and enjoy.  They connect me to something greater than myself, the Divine, and that's something I seriously need in my life.
I'm worth the time and effort to get healthy once more.
And so on and so forth.

And I've decided that anytime I start getting down on myself, I'll mentally list all the good attributes I possess.
And whenever I start saying I'm not worth it, instead I'll remind myself that I am worth it and so much more. 

I'm tired of being my own worst enemy.  Time to turn that enemy into an ally.  Just imagine what I can do then.  *chuckles*  Watch out world. 

In other good news, I might have a summer gig lined up.  The family I nannied for last year doesn't need me full time this summer, so I was scrambling a bit to find something.  But a parent today approached me about babysitting for them four days a week, 9 am to 5 pm.  The hitch...it's going to be 6 boys of roughly the same age (2nd to 4th graders) and two middle school girls from time to time.  The mom really wants me to think it over and let her know what I would charge for that.

David and I talked about it and have decided that $32 per child per day for the week would be more than fair, though I'm willing to go down to $30 per child if needs be.  That would be a little over $700 a week, which would be AMAZING.  I'd be able to stay current with all my bills and even make headway on them!  What a relief that would be!  So I plan to email her once I get to work tomorrow (I have her email address and phone number at work) and get more details before saying anything about price.  I will go ahead and offer to email her my resume too, just so she'll know what a deal she's getting.  *grins and winks*  Hell, I've been working with children since 1997 plus am CPR and 1st Aid certified.  Should be a totally shoe-in.  It certainly would be nice.

Took a mini-break from writing this to do an impromptu spell to help with this.  Gotta take advantage of that Full Moon energy too!  Woohoo! I couldn't have planned a better night for this magick.  Full Moon energy, plus I'm at the tail end of my MoonTime, so there's THAT extra energy too.  So here's hoping for the best!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Photos 52 - 57 of 365

Photo 52:

Amazing Blackberry pomegranate mead Allie (an aide of mine) gave me.  A buddy of hers makes this.  And it's DELICIOUS!

Photo 53:

I love the fact that it's still light outside when I get home.

Photo 54:

Cheesy salsa potato casserole I made for the meal we have after ritual with the Coven. 

Photo 55:

MoonTime altar.

Photo 56:

Jamin' Jerk Shrimp I heated up for David (it was frozen food).  He really liked it.

Photo 57:

Me and the wolf journal Alice made for me!  It's a cloth cover that slips over a composition notebook.  Very cool!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Survey Says

Stolen from a buddy:

1) How many times a week do you clean your living space:
seeing as how David's the one with the dog, David's the one that cleans.  :)

2) If you had to enlist in a branch of the military which one would you choose:
navy

3) If you are talking to someone and they are using big words that you don't understand would you ask them to explain the word to you:
yep!  anything to expand my own vocabulary

4) List 10 things that are in your bedroom:
a snake, five knives, computer, tons of books, an altar, a bed!

5) Which airports have you been in:
DFW, Denver, Las Vegas, Atlanta, Indianapolis, somewhere in Pennsylvania (forgotten the place), Delaware,  and I'm assuming the Selkirk airport (in Manitoba, from when I was a little baby and my mom took me up there to visit my dad's family).

6) Do you do any volunteer work or give to charity:
I've volunteered at the International Exotic Animal Sanctuary and the Fort Worth Zoo.

7) Have you ever been in a beauty pageant:
nope!  Never had any desire to.

8) Have you been through a natural disaster (earthquake, tornado, hurricane, ect):
luckily, no.

9) What is the weirdest food you have ever eaten:
armadillo

10) Are you a curious person:
only if it's something I find interesting.

11) Are you afraid of grave yards:
not usually.

12) What magazines do you read:
SageWoman

13) Have you ever been addicted to drugs:
none yet

14) Do you think smoking should be allowed in bars and restaurants:
makes little difference to me.

15) How many people goes/went to your school:
there were 64 in my graduating class in high school

16) What are you passionate about:
reptiles (specifically serpents), wolves, polar bears, my religion

17) What are your bad habits:
I tend to be very lazy when allowed.

18) Have you ever driven a go-kart:
*dies laughing*  That used to be codeword for sex between David and I!  *laughs*

19) What is your favorite amusement park:
Eh, when I used to go, 6 Flags Over Texas was pretty good.

20) Name something that you are afraid of that others might find silly:
Grasshoppers.  Seriously, they are in league with the Devil!  Hate those damn things.

21) What's the longest amount of time that you remained single:
Hmm, I think about a year.

22) What is your favorite song to dance to:
certain songs by Nine Inch Nails (what they used to play up at the gothic club I used to go to).

23) If you could choose a second language to speak, which one would you choose:
for me personally?  I'd love to learn to speak flawless Lakota.
practically?  I'd need to speak flawless Spanish.

24) Were you adopted:
nope!

25) How many people have died in your family since you were born:
My great grandmother, both of my grandfathers, various great aunts and uncles, and one great, great aunt.

26) Have you ever had a wild animal as a pet:
I was the wild animal!  *laughs*

27) If you were a part of the circus, what would your job be:
I HATE clowns and have issues with the treatment of their animals, so there's no way you'd find me working at one.  I'd rather hang myself.

28) Would you kill someone out of self defense:
I would hesitate, and I wouldn't lose any sleep over it either.

29) Has anyone in your family ever had cancer:
My grandmother had breast cancer and I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix a few years back (2008)

30) What is your favorite breed of dog:
Pharaoh hound.

31) What is your favorite breed of cat:
Manx

32) Name a food that you like now that you didn't like when you were younger:
mushrooms

33) What's your dream car:
super dream -- Jaguar F type
normal dream -- Hyundai Elantra

34) What's your favorite kind of facial cleanser:
eh, whatever is at hand (I have several different ones)

35) What is your dream vacation:
Natural Habitat's Tundra Lodge Photography Expedition -- 8 days in Churchill, Manitoba, photographing and seeing wild polar bears up close.  Just $7600...plus the travel expenses TO Winnipeg, Manitoba first.

36) Do you have a green thumb:
It varies.  Sometimes I do, and sometimes I have the most pitch black thumb the world has ever seen.

37) Do you use public restrooms:
depends on how dirty they are and how badly I need to go.

38) How much does it cost to fill your car up with gas:
with gas prices at $3.66 a gallon (at the moment), it costs me just under $50.

39) Are you good with directions:
most of the time

40) What do you collect:
dust.  *grins*  Naw, really, I collect animal parts.  Bones, teeth, feathers, fur, I love it all.

41) How many children do you want to have:
NONE.  And seeing as how I'm fixed, it will stay that way.  :)

42) What is your income:
pretty good.  it would be awesome, but my debt cuts into it too drastically.  gotta get that under control.

43) What is the most money you ever had in your bank account:
up in the thousands, but nothing crazy.

44) Do you have a savings account:
under David's name

45) Do you like drama:
in movies, sure.  in life, not so much.

46) What is your favorite brand of jeans:
i used to get the GAP's Long & Lean, but apparently they've decided to discontinue that.  so i need to find a new brand of jeans.

47) Would you take a bullet for someone you love:
depends on where it'll hit.  honestly, i'd much rather take a clean, instant kill shot that one...say....in the kneecap, that I'll live, but that will HURT me for the rest of my life.  *grins and winks*

48) What is your favorite mall:
I don't really care for malls.

49) Do you like to play mini golf:
I'm not really a golf fan. mini or otherwise

50) What are your hobbies:
art journaling mostly, some photography.  I'd like to get into sketching/drawing/painting but am such a perfectionist I can't do it.

Here and There


ART:  via tumbler

Here it is, almost 4 am and I'm still up. 
I've gotta get my sleep schedule back on track.
I'm just happy I'm not sleeping 12 - 15 hours a day now. 
I'm on a new medicine, Geodon. 
Interesting note, Geodon, while being used for the treatment of bipolar disorder, is also used for Schizophrenia.  *chuckles*

I really should keep a mood diary. 
Geodon's website highly recommends it and even has a free one on their website I could download and print.
I should probably do that on Monday. 
If nothing else, it would force me to pause each day and really check in with myself on how I'm fairing.

I might be going down to Houston over Spring Break.  My brother has purchased a condo/townhouse and would love to show it off to us.  Plus, it would be a good time to meet Lindsay's family.  Not sure if David will be able to go or not, but I'm hoping he can.  It would be nice to get out and do something new.  And then there's the pet store down around the Houston area that I can feed their Gaboon Viper.  I really, really want to do that.  *smiles*

I'm not going to the North American Reptile Breeders Conference this weekend.  I'm just not feeling up to dealing with crowds.  It's coming back in August, so I'll have another opportunity to go and see all the pretty reptiles they'll have.

Speaking of reptiles, I need to check and see when the next meeting for the DFW Herpetological Society is.  I want to attend a few of those when they have interesting topics and/or don't conflict with Coven meetings.

Speaking of the Coven, we had ritual tonight.  We dedicated the new Temple room at Beowulf's apartment.  It was me, Beowulf, Jen, and Harold (met them at the last Coven class).  I enjoyed it.  I'll write more about it later.

We got our income tax back.  Woohoo!  I've picked up a copy of Futhark: A Handbook of Rune Magic by Edred Thorsson for our Runes class.  I've been looking for a set of Runes to use while we learn about them but nothing really caught my eye.

Actually, that's not true at all.  This set caught my eye:

A beautiful set carved into deer bones.  But I refuse to pay the whopping $160 they're asking for it.  Even flush from my income tax return, I won't do it.
So maybe my medicine IS working.  As my typical self would have said go for it.  *chuckles*

Maybe, if I dedicate myself to really learning Runes and become good at it, and it's something I really enjoy, I'll consider saving up for a set.  But for now, this is just way too rich for my blood.

Instead, this much more reasonably priced set of Runes caught my eye and I kept returning to it, no matter what other sets I looked at.

Hand engraved hematite that are then inlaid with goldleaf to make the Runes themselves stand out more.  And at $16, these are FAR more affordable than the deer bone ones.  Maybe I'll make my own set from wolf bones?  I dunno.  As a part of the class, we'll be making our own set of Runes.  I went ahead and bought this set so I could have one on hand to practice with.  For each class (one class a month), we'll be studying two Runes.  There are 24 Elder Futhark Runes, so it will take a year to complete this course.
 
And I think now, I'll head off to bed.  It's now almost 4:30!  *laughs*

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Photos 38 - 51

Holy crap, I let this get away from me.  Now commence the catch up on photos!


Photo 38 of 365
a glass of merlot on my altar.  Sekhmet was mightily pleased.


Photo 39 of 365
One of my students holding Leviathan, my snake.  My students adore her.


Photo 40 of 365
Holly accidently bit me when she was trying to get a better grip on the peanut butter jar (empty) I was holding.


Photo 41 of 365
Holly and her bone.


Photo 42 of 365
Peacock detail on my smudge feather.


Photo 43 of 365
Beginning to look a bit like Spring around here.


Photo 44 of 365
Holly enjoying her bed up on the couch (it's usually on the floor, but we had to move it so the chimney guys could have access to the fireplace -- this bed is usually in front of the rarely used fireplace).


Photo 45 of 365
Deliciousness in the form of a Schlotzsky's sandwich.
Smoked turkey, no tomatoes or onions, add cheddar cheese and pickles....heaven.


Photo 46 of 365
Holly, concerned that David was going to steal her bone.


Photo 47 of 365
First dandelion of the year!  Woohoo!


Photo 48 of 365
Awesome dramatic sky. 


Photo 49 of 365
Holly, working on her sun tan!


Photo 50 of 365
Cool tiger mug that we were admiring at Starbucks.  Might have to pick up one or two of them.


Photo 51 of 365
Snake braid done by one of my students.  *smiles*  VERY cool, in my opinion.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

The Dark and the Light


art from BijouxNoir

Yep, I'm still here. 
Gorgeous artwork above, no?
And it so perfectly sums me up.
Light and Dark.
All swirled together. 
Beautifully.

I've stopped taking the Seroquel.
And surprise, surprise, I've stopped sleeping 12+ hours and still being exhausted.
I was warned that excessive sleepiness was a very real side effect.
And one we wanted to watch out for, given that when I'm depressed, I sleep a lot as it is.

And I've stopped bouncing so drastically.
Manic one moment.
Depressed the next.
Or to put it in more graspable terms for those not blessed with bipolar.
Not, In-Your-Face-You-Want-To-Fucking-Fight one moment.
Or I-Don't-Really-Want-To-Do-A-Damn-Thing-Except-Sleep the next.

And with the mania comes the invincibility.  So I believe in my heart that I can take on anyone in a fight and win.  Even when all the facts state other wise.  *chuckles*
Hell, even had a few mixed episodes in there, manic AND depressed.  Geez, what a clusterfuck that was.

But I digress.  I didn't wish to write all whine whine whine.

Payday this past Friday was a fucking amazing paycheck.
I'll be able to pay all my bills WITH money left over.
So I should be able to afford to go see my psychiatrist, if he requires it, when I call him and tell him how I've been ping-ponging all over the damn place.

David and I have been on a movie watching kick.
The Possession -- damn good.  I like the fact that it was a Catholic demon, but a Jewish one.  Nice little spin that I have yet to see in standard possession movies.  And this one was fucking creepy as hell.  Damn good.
Solomon King -- like Van Helsing and Season of the Witch.  Good.  But I doubt we'll buy this one at any point.
Here Comes the Boom -- friggin' hilarious!  Plus, it's got UFC guys in it.  We loved this one and will certainly be picking it up.
Taken 2 -- very good.  Not sure if we'll pick it up, as we have Taken 1 and haven't really re-watched it a whole lot.
End of Watch -- a pretty good cop drama, but I doubt we'll pick it up.
Those are the ones we've rented this month from Vudu, thus far.  Three of those were last night.  *laughs*

Let's see, what else do I need to write about? *thumbs back through her various entries*  Hmm, seems I was either moaning about depression, elated on mania, or just sharing photos.  *chuckles*

So let's see. 
Feb 8th, we all went over to Allie's apartment (she's one of my aides) and just hung out.  It was me, David, Allie, Danny (her boyfriend), and Natalie (another of my aides).  And oh my god did we have a BLAST!  We stayed up until 2 am just cracking up and having a grand time.  David even really came out of his normal I-don't-know-you shell and was a total ham.  It was great fun.  Hopefully we can keep this going.

Feb 9th, I had my first class with Beowulf over Runes.  We met over at the house of a friend of his.  This couple helped him get into the Pagan community and they were all in a Coven together for a long time.  And I absolutely adore Harold and Jen.  Just love them.  Ended up getting sick as could be -- even threw up and I never throw up (hell, can't even remember the last time I did -- been YEARS).  But barring that, I loved them.
Harold used to do a lot of Pagan crafting, and showed me his smudge fan he'd made and his staff.  Oh my god, I practically drooled all over his staff (WOW, that sounds dirty).  Seriously though, it was gorgeous.  Stunning wood, thick, smooth.....geez, this keeps on sounding dirtier, and dirtier.  *chuckles*  Ok, then I'll stop talking about his gorgeous wood.  *chuckles*  Couldn't help myself there.

This coming weekend is the North American Reptile Breeders Conference in Arlington.  I seriously want to go.  I need to check on how much it is to get in and who their various guest speakers are, in case I want to sit in on any of the lectures.  I just want to go and be among other reptile lovers, and see the GORGEOUS reptiles they bring to show off (and sell).  Sadly, no new reptiles for me.  Leviathan is the only one until we can get a house.

Eh, I think that's all I really needed/wanted to cover for now.
Ciao!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Onwards


artwork via Pinterest


Well, that certainly didn't last very long.
The mania was gone by Saturday.
So....while I am unhappy that the Wolf is already gone.
At least that means, this crash from manic high isn't going to send shock waves through my life.
A little rise above normal, and then a little bump back down to earth.
No biggie.
 
*sighs*  But I almost wish the mania hadn't resurfaced.
It seems a very nasty trick of Fate, to give me that tiniest of taste.
Only to have it evaporate in my hands come the dawn's first light.
Fate is one hell of a bitch.  Let me tell you.
 
Now, the Bear is back.  The hibernation that stretches as far as the eye can see.
I just want to curl up and sleep.
And the weather is NO help. 
Just cold enough.
Just rainy enough.
To make it damn near impossible to crawl out from under my mound of blankets.
I want nothing more than to stay there. 
Coiled under the 5 blankets or so.
Nude, because that keeps me at the perfect temperature.
And just sleep and sleep and sleep.
Forever and ever.  Amen.  (I forget what song that line comes from)
*chuckles*
 
And the generic Seroquel is only adding to the sleepiness.
I need to call my psychiatrist and let him know that it's not doing a damn thing.
Except making me sleep for 12+ hours daily.
But I haven't got the money to see him.
Let alone try out yet ANOTHER medication.
 
I'm starting to think that the Depakote isn't working either.
My psychiatrist will probably want to bump that up to three pills (1500 mg).
All that seems to do is turn my insides into water.  Isn't that fun?
 
I guess when payday rolls around (15th), I'll make an appointment and request we try something else.
Sucks, because I just bought a 3 month supply of the Depakote ($65).
That would almost pay for my appointment with the psychiatrist.  *growls*
Such a freaking waste.
 
Wonder what the next step will be.
My psychiatrist claims there are 15 or so medications out there that we can use for bipolar disorder.
Wonder how many we'll go through?  *chuckles*
Seems my bipolar disorder is a lot like me.
Sneaky and crafty.  Every changing.
 
Onwards!

Friday, February 8, 2013

Mania and the Wolf


Well hello there, dear Mania.
Haven't seen you in quite some time.
Most of the time, here recently at least, it's been your sibling, Depression, that has kept me company through the long dark times.
It's nice to have you pop back in for a spell.
Curious to see how long you will linger.

I realized today that my inner Wolf is linked to my Manic side.
The more manic, the more Wolf-ish.
I can feel the phantom fangs once more, just hidden behind my lips.
I can feel the phantom ears swivel to capture the sounds of the world around me.
I can feel the phantom hackles dance in the wind that is rippling through nature currently.
As a Wolf, I adore the windy days....even more the dusty, windy evenings that meld so seamlessly into windy nights.

The desire to race, to run, to dance beneath the stars is so strong.
I need a home with a backyard, so that I may do so safely.
And in the nude.  *chuckles*

It's the mania that I miss.
I could do without the depression. 
The endless days of blah.
But the mania. 
The Wolf. 
The creativity.
The drive.
These I miss.

Not so much the reckless behavior.
The erratic driving and speeding and aggression.
The out of control spending.

But I love the calm confidence I have when I am the Predator.
I'm not afraid to go to the store by myself.  For I just dare someone to provoke the Beast within.
Just give me a reason to unleash Her.

I want to get back in shape.
I want to take the Krav Maga classes.
I want to be that Predator, capable of fully defending myself, even when the Beast is slumbering inside.

I know I should call my psychiatrist and let him know the medicines are just not working.
Depression and now mania.  Yeah, my bipolar isn't managed at all currently.
But, oh how I've missed my mania.  My Wolf.
I'll keep it for the weekend, but come Monday, I will make the phone call.

So for the weekend, I'll keep my Wolf close. 
I caress Her fur and enjoy the flights of fancy.
Because, come Monday, the Cage descends once more.
Sadly, the Wolf needs to be a tad more tame.
For I know, as high as I soar with the mania, that's how far I'll fall once depression returns.

But for now.
For now, I'll cuddle close and stroke Her raven black fur.
For now, we'll run and dance beneath the night.
For now, I'll simply rejoice in having Her back once more.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Photos 33 - 37 of 365


Photo 33 of 365
Imbolc is a Sabbat (Pagan holy day) that celebrates the returning of spring.  One of the traditions is to light candles to symbolize the returning strength of the sun.  Crystal bowl was a gift from my paternal grandmother.  I love it.


Photo 34 of 365
Pigeon feather on my altar that I found on my walk with Holly.


Photo 35 of 365
Holly growling while trying to protect her peanut butter jar from David.


Photo 36 of 365
A requested photo of Leviathan's full tank.
She has a concrete "turtle shell" hide (which you can see her in), a stone waterdish, a fake plant, and the antler jungle gym.  Whenever David and I finally get a house, I plan to get her a larger tank and really go all out on making it up to zoological standards.


Photo 37 of 365
The finished Chinese New Year mural we did up at work.  It's made up of 24 sheets of paper that the students and staff colored and that I then pieced together.  We're quite proud of it.  *smiles*

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Do The Damn Work


art from: Drinking Leopard
artist: Kevin Lucke

I am passionless.
I don't know how that happened, but I've come to realize it now.  I recognize it in myself.
I have no passion.

Sure, I can fake it from time to time, so other people don't see how bleak I've become.
But honestly, I'm a hollow husk of a shadow of what I used to be.

Is this depression that is sucking the color out of my world?
Is this depression that is silencing my inner feral spirit?
Is this depression that makes me just want to curl up in bed and wish the world would all just go away?
How terrible is it that I secretly hoped that the world would end just so I could be done with this crap?

I don't do a lot of photography.
The Project Life has made me realize how little I actually DO in life.

On Pinterest I came across an article titled 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage
And it really hit home for me.  I am so guilty of every single one of those items.
And not just in my relationship with my husband, but also with my Self.  I don't have any passion for my Self any more, so how can I find passion for anything else?

I've also come to realize I am a very unkind, unforgiving, cold, very angry person.  And I don't like that about myself.
So I'm setting about to change that too.  I've got a LOT of work ahead of me. 
But that's the nice thing about each morning -- it's a brand new day, a clean slate, and I get a do-over as often as I need.
 
Not sure exactly how I'm going to change all of this.
Turn this massive ship around.....on its head.
But it's got to happen.  I can't keep going down this track.  The scenery just sucks.

I have the power to chose a new path, to forge a new way.
I just got to stop being a lazy titty baby and DO the damn work.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Photos 28 - 32 of 365


Photo 28 of 365
White tailed deer antlers.  These are naturally shed antlers that one of my students found out at their deer lease, that she graciously let me have.


Photo 29 of 365
Lil miss Leviathan....such a fatty.


Photo 30 of 365
One of my students with a hat she made herself.


Photo 31 of 365
studying for my teacher test.

And the month of January is complete!  Just 11 more months to go!  *laughs*


Photo 32 of 365
Happy Serpent Day!
A photo of Leviathan and the deer antlers.  :)