Sadistic

So the City I work for, occasionally sends out these “test” spam emails to see if anyone falls for them and thus puts the City’s system at risk.  That’s all fine and good, and I completely understand that.

But today, I go into work as I see an email from the City with the subject line “Employee Termination”.  My heart dropped completely out of my chest.  I had a full blown fucking panic attack, doing everything I could not to burst into tears.  I was terrified that I was being fired, in a time of sky-rocketing unemployment rates.  And I was terrified of losing my health insurance during a GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING PANDEMIC!!!!!!

So yeah, I opened the fucking email.  And basically got a “haha, we tricked you.  Now you have to take this class on phishing emails”.  And, you know what?  I saw fucking RED.  I was in a blind rage.  Like are you FUCKING kidding me?  You are going to JOKE about employment TERMINATION in THIS fucking climate?  And then be like “haha stupid”.  Are you FUCKING SERIOUS??????

I will be emailing the HR department about this.  That was just fucking immoral and SADISTIC on their part. 

And let me tell you.  Right now, if I had a lead on another job?  I’d fucking jump on it like a fat kid on a cupcake and tell the City to kiss my fucking fat ass. 

Needless to say, I do not have that option right now.  But I am putting my ear to the ground and putting my feelers out and as soon as I have a lead, I’m taking it. 

The City should be doing what it can to protect and CARE for its employees.  ESPECIALLY in this massively chaotic time.  ::shakes her head::  And then to gaslight me, saying I shouldn’t have fallen for that trick?  Yeah, I have zero trust and zero confidence in the City now, 100%.  And once I have lost trust in someone/something, there is no getting that back ever.  That is just so beyond shitty.

Roses and Flames

Soooo, I learned a very important lesson a few days back.  You, in fact, CANNOT make rose beads in a plastic bin.  It turned rank so damn quick.  I’m talking, I gagged on the 3^rd day when I opened it up.  It was that bad.  So yeah, I ended up composting that back to the rose bush.  I also buried the two eggs I was keeping for her as well. 

In other news, I have been beyond restless today.  I just didn’t even feel comfortable in my own skin.  Like I was a snake, needing to shed, but not quite ready.  Just uncomfortable.  All damn day.  I was just pacing.  Finding something to entertain myself, only to be bored of it the second I sat down.  ::shakes her head::  Days like this also spike up my desire to engage in NSSI (non-suicidal self-injury).  So many times today the impulse to cut or burn would just spike up out of nowhere.  I’d have to find something to distract my mind for the next few minutes, until the desire dissipated. 

Beltaine is swiftly approaching.  Me, I’ll be celebrating Walpurgis Night instead, the night before.  I’ll be doing a bit of the ritual I initially wrote for my Coven.  I have pieces of bark that have come off my ancient mulberry tree.  On those, I plan to write various things that I want to burn away.  They’ll be burned in a fire I plan to enjoy that night.  Maybe I’ll have some of my roses there as well.  And I definitely want a bottle of mead.  I’ll pick some up this week.  Maybe my husband and I can grill some hotdogs and some s’mores as well.  The High Priestess wants to do some sort of e-celebration in this weekend’s Zoom meeting, so that should be fun.

Friday I had a Zoom meeting with Dustin.  And he again broached the subject of me doing virtual story time.  I’m tired of this song and dance, so I just told him that I have a psycho ex who would see this as me reaching out to him in code.  And that the last thing I need right now is this guy popping back up into my life.  Dustin did ask if I had a restraining order and was puzzled when I told him I did not.  But then I explained that the restraining order would have to tell him where he wouldn’t be allowed to go – thus telling psycho ex exactly where I live, where I work, and where my husband works.  Dustin was shocked by that.  Yeah, I’ve been down this road before and Dustin obviously hasn’t.  ::shakes her head::  He did ask if he could share that information with Paul, as Paul’s been asking why I’m not the one doing the virtual story times.  I consented because, honestly, I’m tired of holding on to this shit. 

Which, I think it’s time to use the banishing incense.  It will go into the Bel Fire along with the other shit I want OUT.  I’m ready to really close that chapter of my life.

Rose Updates

As I know y’all are dying to have an update on my rose-bead making adventure, I went ahead and combined Batch #1 and Batch #2 together.  It’s just easier to stop trying to keep them separated.  ::chuckles::  AND then, with my hyper-focus going, I have started Batch #3.  I’m seeing if I can keep it in a Tupperware container and it still turn out just as well as the Batch I’m keeping in the mini cast iron dutch oven I have.  If it doesn’t, well, I just put it back out around the rosebush as compost.  And if it doesn’t work, maybe once we are past the major COVID-19 hump, I can get over to the Tuesday Morning store, and pick up another mini cast iron dutch oven, specifically for this project.  Combined Batch has 15 days left.  Batch #3 has 29 days left.  I really need to take a photo of the Combined Batch.  It’s definitely more “clay” like now.  So in 15 days, the Combined Batch will be done and I can start making actual beads.  Man, at the rate I’m going, I will be selling rosaries by the time I go back to work.  ::laughs::

In non-rose-bead-adventures, I am still working from home.  So is hubs.  So that is all good for us.  The City keeps going back and forth on how soon they want the Library to open up.  We are currently doing home book/material delivery.  Well, we are getting it ready, and then two people from the Parks & Rec department are making the actual deliveries.  As of right now, it’s looking like mid-May we will do a “soft” opening.  Which means, patrons will be able to come into the Library to check out material, but can’t hang out.  Originally, the City wanted that to happen May 1^st…but that’s now been pushed until the 15^th-ish.  Who the fuck knows?  I just wish they would stop throwing out dates all willy-nilly and stressing us the fuck out over it.  Pick a date and stick with it.  Change it only when the Governor extends the shelter-at-home order. 

The Coven had a virtual ritual this past Sunday.  It ended up being really cool and I realized just how much I miss doing ritual, in person, with my Coven.  I seriously miss them.  But I live for the twice a month Zoom meetings with them.  That is sustaining me for now.

Other than that, it’s pretty much the same ole, same ole.  I have an hour long meeting Monday through Thursday with my coworkers.  Then I pretty much am free to do whatever it is that I wish.  I work on my rose bead mash.  I write in my journal.  I sit outside and enjoy nature.  I do a bit of work, but mostly I just hang out with Josey, drink too much coffee, smoke too many cigarettes, and do my best not to bottom out in depression nor allow my anxiety to overwhelm me.  Most of the time, I maintain a pretty good balance.

We now each have two cloth masks so we are protected when we have to go out.  I got two from work – I had to go up there and print some things out and grab my work journal with all the notes on how to order books and what not.  And then Christie made us two as well.  For free.  So yeah, I will certainly take her out for Mexican food once it’s safe for us to do so.  We are going to see who can eat the most bowls of queso.  ::grins::