Danger Zone revisited

Ok, meeting with the Nurse Practitioner went SO amazing well. I absolutely ADORE her. And that’s hard to get out of me on initial meetings.

Plus, she was astute enough to look at the Psychiatrist’s notes and we went over those. And she recognized that there is some serious trauma, and said we wouldn’t be delving into them, but that she just wanted to verify the information was correct. ::HUGE sigh of relief::

She thinks there’s a bit of PTSD lingering from Psycho Ex and some abandonment issues around my father (gold star to her on both of those) and suggested EMDR treatment later on, if I felt like that was something I wanted to pursue.

So now we are just waiting to hear back from insurance if they will cover the treatment or not.

Helpful Suggestions
There were a number of helpful suggestions on various things people have done to work with their depression. And I know that NONE of the suggestions were given out in a manner of “oh hey, do this and it works perfectly”.

But......

Please understand as well, that I’ve been dealing with my depression, anxiety, trauma, panic attacks, aggression, etc., for damn near 30 years.

Meditation
I’m a motherfucking Pagan…do you think I have never TRIED meditation? Be it for spiritual, mental, or just overall well being?
For me, meditation is very much a double edged sword. Sometimes, I have zero issues with it and, yes, it can be quite calming. Other times, by stilling all the swirling thoughts in my head, it simply AMPLIFIES the depression voice and makes everything a THOUSAND times worse.

Eating Better
Yes, I’m very aware that my current eating habits would make a rabid raccoon look like a Health Guru.
And I’m very aware that various foods DO have an impact on one’s physical, psychological, and mental states.
However. Right now? I’m in survival mode. I’m eating comfort, “safe” (meaning ones that I know I will like, that I don’t have an issue with texture or taste) foods just to keep me going. Cutting out all of my comfort foods right now would do the exact opposite of what we are attempting to accomplish here (i.e. keeping me alive).
So yes, I am cutting back on the amount of comfort food. And I’m slowly introducing healthy foods. But that’s going to be a process, not something just one and done.

Coping Strategies
Oh trust me, I have a SHIT TON of coping strategies. But I’m always all ears to hear new ones. Please, feel free to toss those out at any point. If it’s something that has worked for you or a close loved one, I would love to hear it. Because, even if it doesn’t work for me, it might spark an idea on something else I can try.
This is one of the things the Nurse Practitioner actually complimented me on – ALL the various coping strategies I have, have tried, are modifying so they work better. Trust me, TONS of various ones, both conventional and non-conventional. Hmm, I should do an entry listing out all my Coping Strategies. Might be helpful for others. And if nothing else, it should spark some sort of dialog, in which I can also learn a new trick or two.

Sleeping Habits
Yes, I utilize my phone, in bed, as part of my unwinding and getting ready to sleep routine. Yes, I am aware of all the studies out there that say you should turn off all electronics and definitely do NOT have them in the bedroom. I do a coloring app and switch on my Apollo Neuro specifically to either the Unwind vibe or the Sleep vibe. I have a specific CD that I listen to every night, and have done so for well over a year now.
Yes, it takes me a little over an hour to fully unwind enough to go to sleep. I still awake up in the night at least once (usually twice) and am up for around 15 to 20 minutes and then I’m able to go back to sleep.
I know all the studies that say you should be getting a solid sleep the entire night through. The only times I’ve experienced that was when I was sick, drunk, or had been up for 4+ days in a row. Sure, I can take sleeping pills or ZQuil. But I have the habit of SERIOUSLY abusing those, so I try to stay away from them.

Exercise
Yes, I know all about the benefits of exercise. I have been quite fit at various points in my life.
It’s just the major shake up that completing my Master’s degree and leaving behind a career field that I had been working in since I was 14, did a huge number on me. Also going from part time to full time work took a serious adjustment.
And it’s hard to get out and walk the dog (one of the things I really enjoy) when the heat is so horrid. Our heat index today was 117 – temperature was 99. And it’s only supposed to get hotter at the week continues.
I am on a number of psych drugs – many of which that effect my body’s ability to regulate internal temperature. I’ve also had heat stroke before. And it just makes you more susceptible for heat stroke from then on out.

In Closing
This isn’t an attack on anyone. This isn’t me saying don’t share your suggestions. Just, know that in the 30 yrs I’ve been dealing with this, I HAVE heard of meditation. I HAVE heard of kale. And trust me. If doing yoga, eating kale, and doing daily meditation would cure the CHEMICAL IMBALANCE in my brain, I would be all over that.

Love you all and wishing you NOTHING but the absolute best.

Danger Zone

Man, I’ve been bottoming out BAD these last few days. And I know it’s due to having to discuss my traumas over and over and over again with the various people at the TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) Clinic. I’m just.....over it. I don’t want to talk about it any more.

I had a Zoom meeting with the tech that will be doing the TMS on me. I like her well enough. But....I dunno. Something feels a bit off. The Clinic I’m going to has the highest success rates in the nation.... Because they combine TMS with therapy and working through a Mindfulness about Depression (or something along those lines) book as well. And I dunno…just getting cult-ish vibes. But that COULD be due to me listening to all these true crime videos – predominately ones about cults. So yeah.

Oh, and they do counseling as well. Which is another reason why they have such a high success rate. But man, I am NOT wanting to process any of this shit right now. Just zap my brain and let’s be done with it.

I go tomorrow for my meeting with the Nurse Practitioner (NP) tomorrow morning. I’m sure I’ll have to go through my trauma AGAIN at this point. Honestly, for my own mental health, I think I’m going to tell her to pull up my file – either the 4 hour long Clinic questionnaire I did, or the recap with the Psychiatrist, OR the one I did with the Tech. Because, I don’t have it in me to go through ALL of that AGAIN. I mean, I’ve rehashed my trauma more times in the past couple of WEEKS than I have in YEARS and my mental health is taking one HELL of a beating for it.

In non-TMS/Trauma news, we are FINALLY out of the Ransomware Era at work....kind of. ::laughs:: We are about 25% up. We can check OUT all the damn items we’ve been just keeping in Word Docs, and we can update patrons’ accounts AND create new accounts. But that’s it. Our catalog and all that jazz is still completely down. We spent 44 days completely down. And man, I KNOW I’m going to miss the shit out of how calm and peaceful work has been. But all good things must come to an end. ::sighs::

I got my physical done with Dr. O – required for the TMS Clinic. And for the most part, everything was about what I expected it to be. But my weight was a LOT higher than the last time I was in her office, and I’m NOT happy about that one bit. Gonna have to get on that soon. Guess my diet of coffee, donuts, cigarettes, and peanut butter isn’t that sustainable. Yeah, I’ve been COMFORT feeding for a while. ::looks up at the whole TMS thing:: Yeah, can’t IMAGINE why I’m doing that.

And after my appointment with Dr. O I had to do a blood draw (again to screen for all the things my Psychiatrist wants me screened for). That required SEVEN vials of blood plus a cup of urine. I am very proud of myself. I didn’t get woozy until the 7th vial. But yeah, got SUPER lightheaded, sweating, and nausea. ::chuckles:: Good times.

And then later on this month, I’ll be doing my yearly gyno visit as well. You know, I’m about OVER June and all these various doctor/health appointments.

BUT, something cool. I DID finally buy myself an Apollo Neuro. I’ve been eying them for over a YEAR, but the price kept it out of reach. But with the income tax return being so nice, and my mental health being ALL OVER the board, I figured, this couldn’t hurt. And man, I ADORE it. No clue if it actually HELPS with calming or energizing or any of that. But I find the vibrations just soothing if nothing else. Comforting. So, even if that is ALL it does? I’m happy I bought it. I wear it on my ankle at the moment. Though I do want to get a smaller band, so I can wear it on my wrist at night.