Father Thoughts

My father has been on my mind a lot here recently.  Mostly me debating if I want to make contact with him or not.  I have come across his LinkedIn profile and that would be the way I would reach out.

I haven't because, I'd have to remake my LinkedIn profile and can't be arsed to do so yet.

And, I keep asking myself "Why?  Why do I want to get in contact with him?"

It's not because I'm wanting him back in my life.  Because I don't.  It's been 20+ years now since I sent him the Fuck Off Letter.

It's not because I'm even missing the concept of a "father".  Because I'm not.  He hasn't been an active part of my life since I was in elementary school, so I've come to terms with the "father figure" and don't have a need for it any longer.

It's not because I'm worried I'll regret not being in contact with him and he dies.  Because I already plan to go piss on his grave once he kicks the bucket.  Just wish I had a dick, because it would make this a whole lot easier.  But I figure, since I don't, it means I have to put in the extra effort to piss on his grave, so it will have more meaning.

It's not even because I'm wanting to catch up.

I guess, mostly, it's more about asking him Why.  Why he elected to just check out of our life completely.  
But, honestly, it doesn't mean I'll GET an answer.  And I have zero clue if it would even make a difference in my life to know why.

And, partly, because I would love to rub it in his face how well I'm doing.  The fact that he never has and never will meet my husband.  And the fact that he'll never meet his only biological grandchildren, because I seriously doubt Bro will ever risk our father disappointing Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces.  

And if Bro WERE to invite our father to be a part of their lives, and if our father WERE to disappoint Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces?  I would scorch the earth to ensure it never happened to Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces ever again.  

I highly doubt I'll ever reach out to contact him.  The odds of it being a productive conversation are very low.  And the odds of my aggression/hurt over this whole situation are SUPER HIGH.  

And honestly?  If it isn't adding anything GOOD to my life...why bother?

Day One

Welcome 2023.

Word of the Year: Proactive
adjective
1. serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, especially a negative or challenging one; anticipatory

Proactive is the opposite of reactive. Actions that are proactive are initiated not in reaction to a situation but instead out of a desire to make a positive change, prepare for a situation, or prevent something from happening.

I want to be more proactive this year, instead of reactive. I want to take charge of my swimming through life, instead of just floating along, dealing with whatever comes along. Why not elect to meet that head on, instead of waiting until it’s an issue?

Spirit Messenger of the Year: Black-capped Chickadee
“Take your eyes off your problems and fears, and set them on your goals.”
- often associated with extroversion and charisma
- symbols of friendship and agreeability
- due to their various vocalizations, they are associated with communication
- the presence of a chickadee may indicate the correct path to take
- it is a lucky little symbol that nature itself recognizes you as a positive spirit
- symbolic of guidance, honesty, tenacity, and courage
- uniquely gifted communicators
- success in creative pursuits
- intensely protective of their “flock”
- trust your gut instincts
- symbol of friendship and “found family”
- cut down on needless spending and save for a rainy day

A damn fine spirit to work with. But holy shit, that last line caught me unawares, but damn do I need to hear it. It is one of my goals this year, to be a LOT more mindful of where my money is going. Because I have been less than frugal with my money in 2022.

Not that this was necessarily a bad thing. I am making a nice paycheck. I stay current with all my bills PLUS adding a good chunk to my savings each paycheck, and THEN have fun with my money. But I need to be significantly more disciplined with the handling of my finances.

But I could be doing so much better. I need to stop buying things just to have them. I want to focus more on EXPERIENCES than belongings. So lots of clearing out the clutter and downsizing for me this year.