Sunday, April 30, 2017

Almost Done

Photo of the day:

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Interesting handwritten notes (there are driving directions written on the back) I found on a sheet of paper in the back of “A Witch Alone” book. I like finding handwritten things like these. They were obviously somewhat important to someone. They took the time to write it all out.

Seeing things like this makes me want to go back to handwriting a journal again. Maybe that’s what I’ll do for the next NaJoWriMo challenge (National Journal Writing Month)? Or maybe I’ll get my butt in gear and really start working on my Grimoire once more.

All I have left in this semester is to finish up the Final Project for my Management Class – I’m a third of the way through, having written my “management philosophy statement”. And I’ve come up with three positions that I just need to write up job descriptions for. And THEN I can tackle the budget thing. And THEN I will be done!

I have the bulk of my altar set up for Beltane (which occurs tomorrow). I just need to clip the roses I will use for my altar and finalize my ritual ideas into a workable action plan. And then it will be ritual time! I need it. The spirit restlessness has started kicking up again.

Winding Down

written: April 29th

Photo of the day:

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My dog is such a dork. ::laughs:: This is how she was perched in David’s lap. She normally doesn’t sit in his lap. For whatever reason, she prefers my lap. But when I won’t let her up in my lap, David’s lap will do. ::chuckles::

As of right now, I am officially done with my Preservation class. I took the terminology quiz. I currently have an 88 on it, but I know the professor will look it over. A number of my answers are correct, but not verbatim for what she set as the answers. So hopefully that will garner me a few more points. ::chuckles:: And even if it doesn’t, I currently have a 93 with the test as it stands currently. So I still have my A regardless.

All that is left now is the assignment for the Management class. It has three parts. My plans are to tackle Part 1 tomorrow, Part 2 on Monday, and Part 3 on Tuesday. Then Wednesday, I can look over it with fresh eyes and make any necessary modifications before turning it in on Thursday. And then Friday, the semester is over. Gods, it cannot come soon enough.

One of my local friends (a former Coven member, before that Coven imploded and then exploded) is a librarian, and her library is looking for a full time children’s librarian. And while I certainly do not meet the bare minimum standards to even consider applying for the job, it at least gives me an idea of what those position actually requires. Which gives me a better understanding of what skill sets and knowledge bases I need to be able to apply for such positions.

Today was another good mail day. ::chuckles:: My book, “A Witch Alone: The Essential Guide for the Solo Practitioner of the Magical Arts” by Marian Green arrived today. As did my order of stamps and the arfvedsonite palm stone I purchased from Sage Goddess. All little things, but all things that make me happy. Just another reason I want the semester to be over – so I can start delving into the book. It looks intriguing. ::chuckles::

Social Butterfly

written: April 28th

Photo of the day:
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Creepy dog is CREEPY. ::chuckles:: Josey loves to sit up on the landing, overlooking the living room and front door. And it also allows Josey to beg from above. ::chuckles::

The thinnest sliver of the moon hangs low on the western horizon. And it calls to my Spirit…to the very blood that courses through my veins. It calls the wolf inside me, bringing that wild soul to the surface.

I wish I had a larger yard and more privacy from neighbors. I would do my rituals out there, basking in the moonlight or the sunlight, as the ritual dictates. And with it being warmer, topless or full nude rituals would certainly be fun.

But alas, that is not possible at this time, nor at this place currently. The neighbors are just too close and I do not yet have the confidence to be open to scrutiny. I’ve smudged the house down on the outside. That’s minor ritual. But to do a full on ritual? Yeah, I am just not there yet. I will at some point.

But for now…I just can’t. Especially since I work for the school district and in the Bible Belt, I just cannot risk being outed as a Pagan, as a Witch. Granted, it would be illegal to fire me on the grounds of religion…but I’m sure if enough of the parents had an issue with it, the school district would find a legal reason to fire me, and just cite that. I dunno. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, and the parents would recognize the great work I’ve done with their students and rally behind me. All I know, is that right now, I cannot afford to lose my job, so I will not risk rocking the boat.

I am thinking of asking Linda – the local witch that did the water color painting of Josey last month – if she would like to do ritual together. I would be curious what a Family Trad Witch ritual would be like. And it would give me some companionship without the ties of a Coven. And given that Linda is happy being a solitary, but has talked of getting together with her family for rituals from time to time, it could be a decent fit for both of us – enough “coven” time but still able to do our own thing if our schedules don’t line up.

I should probably touch base with Hazel Nut as well. I really would like to grab coffee or tea or something and just chat about anything and everything. With my college semester coming to a close, and my after school job ending a month later, summer time is typically when I am more likely (and able) to be more social.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Thankful Thursday #17

written: April 27th

Photo of the day:

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Beautiful lilies blooming in the neighborhood I spotted on my walk with Josey today. Lilies are my absolute favorite flower.

I am grateful…
1. Finding a dollar on the floor at work that allowed me to purchase a much desired rice crispy treat from the vending machine.
2. Josey looking forward to her walks so much that I just cannot wuss out of them. She won’t let me. ::laughs::
3. The work week is almost over. I am so fucking ready for the weekend. I need a break from my students so badly right now.
4. Gorgeous, first sliver of the moon gracing the western horizon this evening. Makes my little Pagan heart so happy.
5. Cooler weather and rainstorms throughout the week. And that we’re supposed to have more this weekend.
6. Cake in a mug! I tried the blueberry muffin earlier today and it’s pretty damn good. Especially for something that takes a little over a minute to make.
7. My life – with all its ups and downs and twists and turns. I am grateful for the way its unfolding in a manner that fits me.
8. That the 5th graders were gone today for a VERY LONG field trip. It was nice to start the work day with 8 students already gone. ::chuckles::
9. Haven’t encountered any more roaming free dogs on our walks. I will be grateful for that each time Josey and I go for a walk and don’t have to worry about them.
10. The modern wonder of allergy medicine! That’s the only way I’ve survived this allergy season thus far without clawing out my eyes. I seriously fucking HATE allergies.

So yeah, we’ve got a bit of rain over the past few days and it’s really dropped the temperature here. Earlier today, when I took Josey for a walk, I had to wear a light sweatshirt. And even then, I was a little chilly. It won’t last for long, so I’m enjoying the shit out of it for now! ::laughs::

So much to do this weekend. I need to set up for Beltane (occurs on May 1st but knowing me, I’ll celebrate it a few days later). And I need to pick up various craft supplies for work. Oh, and spray in hair color. Two students are planning to do my hair as soon as I get the green and the orange sprays. ::laughs:: And if we’re going to put all those mason jars to use (making galaxy mason jars), I need to grab some glitter. ::shudders:: I hate glitter. And I need to pick up the gel food coloring. It gets mixed in with Modge Podge (which I’ve already purchased) and you paint the inside of the mason jar with it. THEN I will bring the mason jars home and bake them in my oven to set the color permanently. And THEN I need to put in my purchase order request at work so I don’t have to buy the flameless tea lights that will go inside the mason jars before I sent them home with the student that painted that particular one. WHEW! Man, I’m tired just writing all of that out! ::laughs:: I just hope the galaxy mason jars turn out half-way decent. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Obedience * Now with Photo

Photo of the day:

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Comfort food at its easiest. ::chuckles::

So I figured I would write my rebuttal to a Christian post one of my family members made a while back on Facebook. I was kind enough to wait until Easter passed so I wouldn’t be considered too terrible. ::chuckles::

Before we go any further, my rebuttal may be insulting to those of the Christian faith. I don’t write it for the sake of shock and awe, but as a way to explain my own personal thoughts and the numerous reasons why I left That Faith back in 1996. So, understand that I am not looking for a “fight”. I am not looking for someone to “save my soul”. I’m not a fucking damsel in distress. I am the Dragon. I am the Wolf. I am Woman, released.

So without further ado. ::rubs her paws together:: Let’s dive right in, shall we?

The Quote that rankled me so much:
“Obedience is the evidence that true freedom has entered your life and liberated your heart. I have been freed, not from God’s rule, but from my bondage to me. Following, obeying, serving, submitting to God is the thing I was created to do, so it is the place where true freedom is to be found. Rebellion never gives life. Self-rule never brings freedom. So grace has worked to rescue me from me, so that I can know the true freedom of serving Him. -Paul David Tripp”

Let me just say, as a Pagan, a Witch, a person who embraces the Left-Handed Path (i.e. Luciferianism), the whole quote just rubbed me so wrong. Granted, I understand the appeal of turning EVERYTHING over to a great-all-knowing-deity. Never having to take responsibility for any of your choices. After all, it’s all out of your hands. But in my opinion, that is not true freedom. THAT is bondage. THAT is slavery.

Rebellion never gives life? Granted, you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet. Rebellion leads to liberation. Which gives us the opportunity at making a better life for ourselves. What would have happened if the slaves and the Yankees never rebelled against the Confederacy? Can you tell me those Blacks would be “free” in their bondage? What would have happened if Women didn’t rise up in rebellion and FOUGHT tooth and nail for the rights we now enjoy? Do you think we would be “better” being slaves to our husbands?

Self-rule never brings freedom? Bitch please. Was I free while under Psycho-Ken’s thumb, with his constant mental abuse? Trust me, whatever my choices may be, I am a stronger and better person for having made them and not abdicated that CHOICE to someone else.

And sure, you can say that comparing these things to a deity isn’t the same thing. But choices build on choices. And a corrupt kingdom cannot be Justice at the top, when all the layers are corrupt. Good choices start at the bottom and work their way up. And from what I’ve seen, it’s rotten to the core.

My gods do not demand I kneel. They do not demand undying devotion. They do not demand that I sacrifice all that I am, just to please them. They MADE me, ME. So why would they then require me to turn my back on all of that.

We were all made as individuals. We were all given free will. Why should we not exercise that?

Blind obedience without question is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. And given that so many of the Big Names in Evangelism are being outed as FRAUDS? Why on earth would you give up your ability to think for yourself to follow these charlatans? Benny Hinn’s business of operations in Grapevine, Texas were raided today by the IRS. Finally, the government is recognizing that people like him are bilking people their money….and NOT to do good. Just to prove they CAN, and that they can live a life of extreme luxury, and the poor swindled people just keep coming back because they are TAUGHT blind obedience will guarantee their entrance into Heaven.

So no. I will never bow down to a man, no matter how holy he claims he is. Given that I have danced in the presence of divinity, I have heard their words of wisdom…never again will I have a man try to tell me what the gods wish of me. I will hear it from their very lips. And I will not give blind obedience to any man. I was given a brain and reason and decision making skills for a REASON.

Blah. I’m not even sure I properly explained myself. It’s just when I read the quote, it was like a punch in the stomach. It made me want to hurl and punch something back. And while that certainly isn’t the most Christian response, it’s one of the many reasons I am not a Christian. And I will never be one again. I knew at age 13 that it was not my Path. And I had the courage to walk away from it.

I will probably revisit this at some point. Maybe when I’m more eloquent with my words.

Orange Butted Spider

written: April 25th

Today’s photo:

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A cute little red-orange-butted spider. ::chuckles:: Turns out it is a “Tiger Striped Mimic Ant Spider” (Castianeira amoena). It is meant to mimic the velvet ant, which is better known as the “cow killer”. ::chuckles:: Man, people love their dramatic names for things.

I spent most of this morning researching Beltane, trying to find a way that it could be meaningful to me. I think I have found my avenue into this particular Sabbat, a nice mixture of traditional meaning with my own spin. And I have come across some decorating ideas for the ritual that I really want to try out. I have got the ideas roughly hashed out in my BaBuJo (Bastardized Bullet Journal). I will spend the rest of the week fleshing out how I want my ritual to go down. And I will be sure to spend the end of the ritual writing down my notes on how the ritual went BEFORE I close the Circle. So I will see if that works better for me to actually document what I am doing.

On the college front. I need to start working on my final project for the Management Class. It’s three parts. Part one is “a statement of your philosophy of financial and human resource management”. Part two is “a set of job descriptions (at least three) for positions in your ideal organization” – my ideal organization for the purpose of this class is the Vatican Library, so that should prove interesting. And Part three is “a budget in Microsoft Excel that appropriately makes use of formulas”. It’s all due by May 5th. And all that is left for the Preservation class is the Terminology Final Quiz which will test my understanding of the concepts and terminology covered throughout the semester. I’m not overly worried about either one. I just need to get started on this stuff NOW so I can finish this semester strong. I want to pull another 4.0 this semester (like I did last semester), so if I start working on it in increments, I should be able to do that without burning myself completely out.

Going into the final project, I have a 93.3 in Preservations and a 92 in the Management class. So as long as I make As on the two final grades for each class, I should be good to go. Just got to keep my eye on the prize and keep striving towards the end goal. The end is in sight. I just have to buckle down and soldier on to the finish line.

And then I get to sleep and rest and relax and not think of ANYTHING to do with school work until the Fall. ::chuckles:: Gods, I cannot wait.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Stamps, Books, and Chairs

written: April 24th



Photo of the day:
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Part of my stamp order. I am still waiting for the Global ones that I pre-ordered, but they aren’t even available until April 28th, so I’ve got a little bit more waiting to do for those.

Completely spur of the moment a few days ago I purchased the book A Witch Alone: The Essential Guide for the Solo Practitioner of the Magical Arts by Marian Green. I can’t even explain why I chose that book over a number of others ones I was considering. But I bought it, completely spur of the moment, so we’ll see how good my intuition is on this book.

Who knows? Maybe this will be another diamond in the rough like The Modern Witchcraft Grimoire. That was a book that I didn’t think I would get much out of, but it turned out pretty damn impressive. Which reminds me, I need to finalize the notes I took on that book and put them in my working Grimoire.

Hopefully, once the semester ends (in two weeks), I will have the free time to actually work in my Grimoire once more. I will need to gather up all the photos I’ve taken of my various altars and ritual items and get those printed to be put into the Grimoire as well. My love for photography will definitely shine in my Grimoire. I may not be able to draw amazing art, but I sure as hell can capture it in photography.

I keep waffling if I’m going to keep a Grimoire or not. I think I have finally decided I WILL. If nothing else, it can be a photo-journal of my Craft and serve as a guide book to what I have done in the past. I just need to get into the habit journaling after a ritual. Or maybe I should make journaling about the ritual a PART of the ritual? I could jot down some notes once the ritual is complete, but I haven’t taken down the Circle yet. That way I’m still in Sacred Space. If I do that, I definitely need to get a chair or something for me to sit in while I journal. Maybe one of the Japanese floor chairs. There are a lot of choices for that. It just depends on how much I am willing to spend. ::chuckles::

::que Wolfie spending way too many hours scrolling through various floor chairs::

Monday, April 24, 2017

Sunday Rambles

written: April 23rd

I used the #365 Photo Challenge prompt from yesterday for today – Fibonacci In Nature:

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A teeny, tiny snail shell I found today when I was watering Holly’s crepe myrtle. It would have easily fit, with a ton of room to spare, on a dime, it is that tiny.

David had to work today, which means me and Josey had the house all to ourselves. Which means….we napped until 1 pm. ::laughs:: I did get some cleaning done and did 20 minutes on the elliptical.

And it was an easy 20 minutes. Like crazy easy. Which is so odd, because the last time (back on the 18th), I was dying even attempting to survive the 16 minutes I battled to do. ::shrugs:: I’m not sure what the difference is between that day and today, but I wish I knew. So I could repeat whatever made today easier. ::chuckles:: I even double checked the level I had the elliptical set at to make sure I didn’t go down a level. Nope, same level. It was just easier today. Well, I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I did my 20 minutes and relished the ease of it. I will hold that firm in my mind on Tuesday, when I get back on the elliptical. Hopefully it will be just as easy. And I can continue making progress on this front.

The reason the elliptical means so much to me, is that I need to get my cardio up because I plan to start taking some Krav Maga classes once the after school program is over for the summer break. I will (hopefully) be working with the Technology Department over the summer, which means my work day will end around 5 pm. Krav Maga classes are at 7 pm. So I will have plenty of time to come home, take care of Josey and relax before heading out to class. And I’m pretty sure it’s only two days a week, so it shouldn’t be too killer. ::chuckles:: And I’ll test the waters out for the summer and if it’s something I enjoy, then I’ll find a way to continue taking the classes once the school year starts back up.

In other news, a blast from the past popped up today. Moon Daughter, a dear friend from AGES ago, popped up to say hello. She and I were members of the Whispering Wolf Sisterhood, an online group of Pagans, Wiccans, and Shamans – all women. It was my first sisterhood and those women truly were my lifeline, my Sisters, my Coven…bonds that I never thought would ever be severed. But Mor’inanna shut the group down when she kind of went off the rails. It sucked so bad because so many of us volunteered to take over the group for her, so it could continue. But she didn’t want any part of that. The Whispering Wolf Sisters group was “all hers”…and thus she refused to turn those reigns over to anyone else. ::shakes her head:: I still mourn the loss of that group and all the absolutely phenomenal women I met through that group.

So it was nice to touch base with Moon Daughter once again. Her life has dramatically changed over the years that we fell out of communication. I am hoping that this opens up a new avenue of communication and that we can pick up that friendship where we left off.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Lap Dogs, PMS, and Battles

written: April 22nd

Photo of the day:

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Yep. That’s my 55 pound pit bull…attempting to convince me she’s a lap dog. She doesn’t realize how big she really is (and honestly, she’s not a very big pit bull, compared to the others I’ve seen). And I keep trying to explain to her that there is not enough room for the both of us in my computer chair, but she keeps trying to convince me that there IS the room…if I’m willing to allow her to sit ON me…and by ON me, I mean all up in my face and shoulders. ::chuckles::

David found a new pizza place for us to try out today, but that got us off to a very rocky start. He wanted me to take his car because we’d be taking the toll roads. But I really hate driving his car because of the shit ton of MASSIVE blind spots his car (newer Honda Civic). And then I told him to bring his phone to use as a navigator, as neither of us knew where pizza place was exactly. But he hates bringing his phone anywhere, so he “forgot”. Which pissed me off because now we would use my phone, which means using my data. Even though he has a SHIT TON of data…and I have to share mine with my mom and stepfather (we’re all on one plan because it’s a shit ton cheaper than me doing my own plan, or being on my husband’s plan). And I’m super PMSing right now. Which means I have zero patience. Zero tolerance. Zero kindness in me. I was more than a little snappy at him. But once we got to NY Pizza Palace we both mellowed out a lot. Good pizza will definitely shut me and David up no problem.

So, it’s a bit of a challenge to get to NY Pizza Palace. But the quality is about the same as Bacci’s and Bacci’s is closer AND easier to get to. And because my husband knows where Bacci’s is, he’s willing to drive. He hates driving somewhere new or where he doesn’t know where he’s going. All of that to say, we’ll probably just stick with Bacci’s from now on. ::chuckles::

And, tying back in with the PMSing that I’m doing right now, I’m hyper sensitive to negative people and have zero tolerance for them. Thus far, I’ve done very well simply not engaging with the Debbie Downers, but damn. I need to start bleeding soon, so this hyper sensitivity will go away. I completely understand being negative, when serious negative shit is going down in one’s life. No one, and I mean NO ONE can be 100% kitten farts and rainbows ALL THE DAMN TIME. I get that. I’m not faulting anyone for that. But I can’t stand it when people tear themselves down in ways, that to me, just seem like they are wanting people to flock to them and tell them how “great” or “wonderful” or whatever they are. I will give you a realistic evaluation of your situation if you want it.

But don’t come to me, especially right now, fishing for compliments in a back-handed manner. I have more respect for people who are like “Hey, I’m having a really bad day. Can you just tell me something nice right now because I’m having a very difficult time seeing it?” Doesn’t even have to be spelled out that clearly to be honest. But people who make rude comments about themselves, and when you try to tell them what you see instead, and then they fucking argue with you over it? Naw, man. I don’t have the mental reserves to fight that battle for you. So I back off completely. Clearly you have demons YOU need to battle. I can’t fight that battle for you. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow myself to be dragged into someone else’s battles…especially if that person won’t pick up their own fucking sword.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Pat on the Back

written: April 21st

Photo of the day:

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It was one of my student’s birthday today. And I take it as a huge compliment that he offered me a cupcake first, out of all of my staff. ::chuckles:: Especially given that three of my staff members are high schoolers (therefore they have a “cool” factor that I do not have, and they have a shit ton more energy than I do ::laughs:: ), AND one of my high schoolers is a guy, which is like quadruple cool points. And I beat them all. ::smiles and pats herself on the back:: It just reminds me that I need to make more time for hanging out with my students (and staff) and worry less about the paperwork. The paperwork will get done. That’s a given. But I only have a certain amount of time with the great students I get to work with and really, that’s what means the most.

Shit. I must have done something right. Ricky came back to work with me (I had him for 4th and 5th grade; and then both of his brothers). Carson A. came up today (I had him from 3rd to 5th grade) just to say hello, which he’s done a few times. And a number of other former students do so as well from time to time. That’s what I need to keep in focus. That’s what I need to keep my eye on when all the other bullshit starts swirling.

We have a glorious thunder storm rolling through. So far, no hail or other damaging aspects. Just soft, soaking rain, thunder, and lightning. And it was nice enough to hold off until after work – so the students got to play outside! Woohoo! And it was nice enough to hold off until after the Husband and I grabbed dinner. So now, I’m full and curled up inside, nice and warm, and I get to enjoy the beautiful storm do its thing outside. Just love it. The only thing better will be to curl up in my bed, under all my blankets and go to sleep listening to the rain and thunder.

Thankful Thursday #16

written: April 20th

So I think the #CY365 list of prompts is written by someone up north…or at least definitely not in the Lone Star State. Today’s prompt is “colorful trees”. Man, spring had done come and GONE. All the blossoms happened last month. We are into summer and the fruit is beginning to show up on the trees. So yeah, no “colorful trees” here, unless you count the dead leaves from the branches snapped in one of our various storms. ::chuckles::

Instead, have a rose!

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I am thankful….
1. My crazy blooming rose bush. I have TONS of roses on it. I plan to clip a few to put on my altar for Beltane for damn sure. I want to dry some of the rose petals, though I’m not sure what I would use them for. I’m not a very herbal witch. Give me those bones and feathers and antlers and I’ll show you some fucking magic.
2. Chai tea lattes from Starbucks (with no water and one pump of vanilla). So damn good.
3. Counting down the days left in this semester. Damn, I can’t wait for it to be OVER. I plan to binge watch the shit out of some Netflix shows and finally pick up a book to read that doesn’t have anything to do with MANAGEMENT or BUDGETS! How amazing would that be?
4. That my intimidation bluff with the German Shepherd worked and I didn’t have to bust out my knife for a fight I really didn’t want to get into. But it also made me aware that I need something with a bit more reach to keep the animals at bay.
5. Putting together a fun little witchy care-package for a friend down in Australia. It’s crazy how ecstatic putting it all together made me. ::laughs:: I hope it brings at least half as much joy to Andrea receiving it as it gave me putting it all together.
6. My FitBit buddies who always challenge me to up my physical level. Some of my friends do some major steps, so it pushes me to get moving more and more each week. Even if I don’t stand a chance in beating some of them. Like ever. ::laughs::
7. Wolf Park has puppies again! Timber gave birth to FIVE adorable little wolf pups! Man, I really, really, REALLY want to get up there in October and get to see them.
8. Netflix. It gives me an amazing ability to watch a wide array tv shows and movies.
9. I got a 93 on my “Exhibition Observation” paper for my Preservation class! Woohoo! I’m currently carrying a 94 in that class, and a 96 in the Management class.
10. Getting to know various artists and appreciate their amazing work. I’m thrilled my copy of The Red Queen (by Ravynne Phelan) arrived and I love the other little items she included as a thankful. So very cool.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Center

written: April 19th

Getting back on track with the #CY365 photo prompts – today’s prompt is “Center”:

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My spirituality is my Center. It’s my Core. It defines me in ways, even I don’t comprehend. So the photo is of my “working” altar – it has remnants of my anniversary (11 years being Self-Injurious Behavior free) plus the Full Moon ritual. And it has my recent artwork acquisition (doesn’t that sound fancy? ::laughs::) on it as well. Plus the Galaxite palm stone that I carry daily, but put on my altar to soak up the energy from it.

I do need to clean it up and set it up for the upcoming New Moon (April 26th), and then again for Beltane (May 1st). Beltane is one of those Sabbats that I feel rather “meh” about. But it is a celebration of summer really kicking into gear. I am ready to celebrate that. Summer coming means my grad school semester is coming to a close. Summer coming means the after school program is coming to a close. I will need to email Sandy soon to make sure I still have the Summer Tech Job.

I went ahead and submitted my request for the two classes I want to take in the Fall. One is on Public Libraries…which I wanted to be in THIS semester, but it was full and so I had to scramble and that is how I wound up with the horrible Management class (not that the class itself is horrible….I just loathe the topics it covers). And the other one is an Archives and Manuscripts class, which sounds fun to me! ::chuckles::

As I was walking Josey today, I was pondering my current station in life and thinking “I should be MORE”. I was comparing myself to some of the parents of my students – the parents are roughly my age or younger for the most part…and they have fucking careers, man! And I’m over here, running a part-time after school program. Like, what the fuck man? ::chuckles::

But I’m doing what I enjoy. I’m relatively happy. I get to play most of my work day. I get to color. I get to tell jokes. Basically, I’m a huge kid that gets paid to boss little kids around all day. ::chuckles:: And so yeah, having a “healthier” paycheck would be nice. And not having to swap jobs halfway through the year would also be nice. I just hope the stability doesn’t eat my soul. ::chuckles:: I don’t do well with “traditional” jobs. Though I do believe I can keep a job quite interesting…just gotta make sure it isn’t so interesting that HR has to get involved. ::grins toothily::

Asshole Dog Owners

written: April 18th

Today’s photo:

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It’s a baby Witch’s Burr (aka Sweetgum Pod). Ain’t it adorable?!?! I had never thought of how the sweetgum pods grew…kind of like how pine cones grow as well. But since moving into the house and walking Josey, I have gotten to see such cool things like this.

So I figured out first hand today that my booming, snarly “Teacher Voice” (akin to the “Mom Voice”) has the same stopping powers on dogs as it does children. There’s this gorgeous house on one of the cul-de-sacs and there was a beautiful male German Shepherd in the yard. Asshole knows how to OPEN HIS FUCKING GATE! Luckily, he did this after we had walked past his house, but once we looped back around we (meaning Me and Josey) came face to face with him. I saw him coming and my adrenaline was PUMPING. I shot off a very quick prayer to Sekhmet and then narrowed my eyes and snapped “NO” at him. That brought up him up short. Josey and I started backing away from him and he starting coming towards us again. I snarled a “NO” at him and stomped my foot and he looked so scared. ::laughs:: And what do you know? He can open his fucking gate up and let himself in his yard! Josey was so well behaved for the rest of our walk. ::laughs:: That was an unforeseen major benefit from that encounter. I think she was scared of me for a while. ::chuckles::

But seriously? What is with the shitty ass dog owners in this little neighborhood? I’ve come across more loose dogs here than I did the entire 10 years I lived at RBC Apartments – and I’m counting the encounters I had with the coyotes as well, and STILL, I had less dog encounters than I have had in the year (well, a year officially here, tomorrow) we’ve been here. Luckily, only one of those dog encounters here was with an aggressive dog – smaller than Josey, and it just wanted us off its yard, so once we were out of its territory, it was happy to leave us know. This German Shepherd wasn’t aggressive behaving, but I can’t take a chance. All I have on me is a knife with would require me to get in close to use, and I’m not keen on doing that with an aggressive dog. Guess I need to look into that stun cane Jimmy suggested a while back – think Taser disguised as a cane. That’s what a stun cane is. Or maybe bear mace? I dunno. The mace could blow back on us and that would not be enjoyable. With the stun cane, there would be less margin for unintended harm and would keep the other dogs at a decent distance. I wouldn’t have to get too close to use it. Just sucks that I have to prepare like this just to walk my fucking dog around the neighborhood. Other than the random loose dogs, it’s a very quiet, very nice neighborhood.

Rain & Restlessness

written: April 17th

Today’s photo:

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Rain droplets on our overgrown grass. ::chuckles:: It sums up the day quite well. I tried to walk Josey three separate times. And each time, it would begin to downpour. We got rain off and on all day and man, it was the perfect day to just relax at home – thank you, all that is holy, for a four-day weekend. Yep, I had today off of work. So I got to lounge around and do things as I saw fit and when I wanted to.

I got a nice little witchy package all boxed up and mailed off to Andrea down in Australia. I had offered her my copy of “The Modern Witchcraft Grimoire” and figured while I was mailing that, I would toss in a few other things. I’ll keep mum on it until she gets the package, as I do not want to spoil the surprise. I just hate that I have to wait a month or so for it to arrive. ::chuckles:: But, it is what it is. And I hope it aids Andrea in her fledgling Witchery. Crap, I still need to get a list of books for her as well.

And I’m still poking around trying to figure out what the next book I will read will be. I dunno. I’m just really restless again. So once I think I have a good idea on what I want to read, I decide that’s not the right book and go trolling through Amazon some more. ::laughs:: Maybe I’ll take my punk ass to Half Priced Books and just browse their selection. I guess my problem is that I don’t want any more Wicca/Paganism 101. I don’t want any more books that pay equal attention to the god as they do the goddess. I want something more along my lines of faith….and I’m not sure that particular book is out there. Maybe I will finally tip my toes into the Left-Handed Path and pick up one of their books to really take a look at what they believe. ::shrugs::

As much as I would like to believe that since Hazel Nut has finally resurfaced, that we can get our little group back on track. But that’s just silly and not even I can believe it. ::chuckles:: She has a tiny baby, like maybe 2 months old, if that? So yeah, not like we can do any real ritual work with a squalling baby in the background. ::chuckles:: But maybe we can hang out and just talk witchcraft things. That would be enjoyable, if nothing else. Just hang out, talk witchcraft, and enjoy a good cup of tea or coffee. Maybe try out some dessert recipes or appetizer recipes. That actually sounds pretty damn nice. Socializing on a smaller scale. I might just be able to handle that.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Good Books

Photo of the day:

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A good book and good notes.
This is the book that I just finished up reading. I haven’t read a decent Paganism/Witchcraft book in a while. It was suggested by a YouTube Pagan I’m following and I thought, “What the hell? Why not pick it up and thumb through it?”

And I will fully admit that I was not expecting a whole lot out of this book, but damn, I was rather impressed. I’ve been a Pagan for 20+ years now. But this book crystallized ideas and thoughts that have been floating around in the ether for this entire time, that I just couldn’t nail down quite yet. I love that. I love when something finally solidifies that has been like smoke for decades.

I will be sending this book along to a friend down in Australia – Andrea S. She has asked me a few times now for a list of beginner Pagan books, websites, etc. I just haven’t slowed down long enough to create such a list and get it to her. I really do need to start working on that.

But where do I begin? Do I give her books that I started out reading? Ones that hold zero meaning for me now and have very little to do, if anything, with my current Practice? Maybe I should…after all, those did lay the foundation for what my Practice is today. I’ve just got to spend some time, combing over all journal entries and see if I can come up with those books once again. Though, I will steer her clear of Silver RavenWolf. ::chuckles:: As much fun as she was to read as a high schooler in the ‘90s, her information is rather questionable now, and super fluffy. ::chuckles:: I think I’ll start out with books by Scott Cunningham and Raymond Buckland. Those are the ones I started out with, along with The Witches’ Bible by Stewart & Janet Farrar. Those are all good, solid witchcraft/Wicca starter books.

I also need to put together a list of Etsy shops I purchase items from that are fairly priced and have quality items. Andrea is wanting to try some of those out, but is leery because of the shipping charges and the fear of the items being damaged en route to her. All valid concerns. So I told her I would get a list of shops that I recommend. And if she is looking for a specific item, I would be happy to hunt it up for her and give her that information as well.

Hopefully I can tackle that once the semester is over. Just counting down the days now….just 14 days left in this semester. I can make it…hopefully without killing anyone in the meantime. ::cackles::
I also need to drop an email to Sandy in the Tech Department and inquire about working for them in the summer again. I’m ready to cinch up a few of these straggling ends that are dancing around. Once I get those tamped down, I can breathe again and get settled once again.

Grand Plans

written: April 15th

Photo of the day:

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My copy of The Red Queen by Ravynne Phelam arrived today from Australia. And she was awesome enough to include the pictured “Faith” card from her Dreams of Gaia tarot deck. I really may have to pick up that deck, now that I’ve seen a few cards from it. Brandy (my Canadian twin spirit) has the deck and says it’s great. So now, I just have to wait until my birthday so I can afford to get it.

My bill from my trip to the ER clinic back in March finally arrived – thankfully just $532 – my insurance took care of the rest (without insurance, I would be looking at a $2k and change bill instead). So while it pained me to pull the money out of savings, I just didn’t feel like going through the hassle of setting up a payment plan. Besides, I HAVE the money, so why not just go ahead and pay it off and get it off my plate? Now I just have to work to put that money back into savings as soon as I possibly can.

I am just grateful that I did work at Starbucks for 2 years, along with my after school program, which allowed me to save as aggressively as I did at that time. I do wish I had been more aggressive with saving, but I’m doing ok to be honest. Just reminds me again why I am working on this damn degree and the financial security I am hoping it grants me when I get a job within the library field.

I talk of grand plans, of working for the Vatican Library for a year on their digitization project. Of landing one of the paid internships at the National Museum of the American Indian. And while I will continue striving towards those two lofty jobs, I do need to begin looking at more realistic ventures. I guess this summer I’ll visit the local library and see about getting a volunteer position there. I have to log so many hours (as a practicum for the degree) and it has to be done before I take my End of Course Exams, so I should get to cracking on that soon. And I need to figure out what courses I want to take next semester (no more budget shit!), and get those submitted for department approval soon. I missed out on one of the classes I wanted to take this semester because it was full by the time I got my punk ass motivated to start inquiring. ::chuckles:: So I need to do that soon.

So a fun thing I’m planning for this summer? I’m finally going to put some lavender in my hair! ::chuckles:: I know, it doesn’t sound that wild, but I’ve always worked in child care and have never been “allowed” to have “unnatural” hair color. During the summer, I work in the warehouse, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. I plan to have a hairdresser bleach the bottom 2 inches of my hair and make them lavender. That way, when summer is over, all I have to do is cut those 2 inches off, and I’m “school appropriate” once more. ::chuckles and winks::

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Friday Mutterings

written: April 14th

Photo of the day:

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Josey has taken to climbing up into my computer chair with me here recently. There really isn’t any room for her in my computer chair…but that sure as shit doesn’t stop her from trying. ::laughs::

So no puppy following us home today on this walk. Other than a few extra people being out doing yard work or moving, the walk was nice and quiet. And other than Josey wanting to greet said people, she did really well on the walk. And given how she used to attempt to drag me down the street to greet people, she’s does very well now. She only attempts to drag me to people if they are within six feet of us. Lemme tell you, this is A MAJOR improvement. ::chuckles::

I also make it a point to remain completely hidden when the post man came ‘round. ::chuckles:: As much as I would love to just sit and gaze at him, I had all sorts of wonderfully entertaining fantasies about him last night that I’m sure if I had come face to face with him, I would have died of embarrassment. ::dies laughing:: Besides, I did not need any more lustful ideas filling my head today. I had a paper to write and I needed my focus to be there and not on my hot lil Latino. ::chuckles::

Well, I did get my paper written. All 1600 words of it. WHEW! I just have four more assignments – three little essays and a terminology quiz and then I am done with the Preservation class. And just three more essays and the final project due for the Management class. After that, I am done with this damn semester for school! Woohoo! Can’t wait.

And, since we are counting down here, just 31 days left in the after school program and then it’s out for the summer. Oh, and on that topic, I got the most amazing news about next year. The student whose grandmother is a fucking BEAR about the stupidest shit? Grandma is retiring this year, so that student won’t be in my after school program next year! I don’t have a problem with the student, but that grandmother? Total massive CUNT. I will be so happy to never deal with that grandmother ever again.

A relative of mine posted a Christian quote that I’ve been wanting to write my rebuttal to. I just haven’t had the time yet. And I’m being nice and waiting until after Easter as well. ::chuckles:: Even though I will never share what I write with 90% of my relatives, I feel it would be in poor taste to share my thoughts and rebuttal at this time. I can wait a few days until after Easter. ::shrugs:: I don’t have any hatred towards Christianity itself. I just cannot, and will not, tolerate the hate and fear-mongering some branches of Christianity spout.

Thankful Thursday #15

written: April 13th

Photo for the day:

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Adorable little dog that followed Josey and me home today on our walk.

I am thankful….
1. Adorable little puppy that followed us home and that Josey didn’t squash and/or kill said tiny pup.
2. Getting to talk with the smoking hot postal delivery guy for a while. Thank goodness I was still hot and sweaty from the walk with Josey so he couldn’t tell I was blushing. ::laughs:: Seriously, smoking hot AND an animal lover. If I wasn’t married….
3. My spear arrived yesterday. And WOW! It’s gorgeous! I LOVE it.
4. Amazing full moon and 11th anniversary celebration of being self-injurious behavior free ritual that I did yesterday.
5. Work meeting today, which translates into more money on my paycheck. The meeting itself was pretty useful and didn’t drag on forever, so that was nice.
6. Four-day weekend, bitches! I have Friday AND Monday off. Praise Easter weekend! ::laughs:: There are benefits to living in a nation that revolves around Christianity at times. ::grins and winks::
7. We’ve gotten on quite the movie kick here recently. Most of them turned out to be pretty damn good, for the most part.
8. Amazing storm that blew through on Monday night. And I love the connection I felt the entire time with the Harpies. Damn, I LOVE being a Witch.
9. Just three more weeks left in this semester. Man, I am SO fucking ready to be done with classes for the summer.
10. That I’ve been taking Josey for daily walks five days a week for the past month or so. She’s doing worlds better on the walks, and I am benefiting from the extra exercise as well. The jeans are getting loose once more. One of my students even asked why my pants were so loose. ::laughs::

So yeah….my postman. Holy hell. ::fans herself:: It’s not like I haven’t seen him before, just never up close. And damn, when he smiles? ::swoons:: He was a few inches shorter than me, dark-skinned Hispanic, with a short beard. Like, just so not my typical Object of Lust. But holy hell. I was hard core lusting at him. I really wish my husband was home at that time, because I would have jumped his (my husband’s) bones so hard….I would have been walking bowl-legged for the next week. ::cackles::

Spear & Ritual

written: April 12th

I knew there was a reason I felt the pull to hold off on celebrating the full moon and my 11th anniversary of being self-injurious behavior free.

My spear arrived today. You know, the one that I was kind of questioning why I purchased? Yeah, that got wiped completely out once I had it in my hands. Holy shit, I ADORE it. Seriously. It’s bad ass. It’s only a few inches shorter than I am. Love it, so friggin’ much.

So as tradition for my SI Freedom Anniversary, I get birthday candles for the year that I’m celebrating. This year is good old number 11.

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The candles were complete crap to be honest. They didn’t stay lit for too terribly long. But that’s ok. I don’t need them to burn completely down.

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I opted to write down a blessing/intention for both my 11th Year and for the Full Moon. These I then read aloud and then burned them to release them into the world.

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I then went ahead and blessed and claimed my spear as well.

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I mean, damn. Look at that spear! It’s AMAZING. And just RAR. ::pets it::

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Here’s the altar at the end of the ritual:

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Altar with the lights on:

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Going from left to right:
Galaxy coyote skull
Two snakes and Shadow tealight (by Sage Goddess) for the Great Pythoness
Athame (black handled blade)
Two little candles in little shot-glasses for the full moon
Black jar – was a former candle holder, now is the container for when I burn things
“11” candle for my 11th year
White selenite sphere – symbol of the Full Moon
Dark flat stone – Galaxite (from Sage Goddess)
Red 7-day Candle for Sekhmet
Sekhmet statue
Incense holder with sacred feather and Dragon’s Blood incense from Harvest Haven Moon
Slytherin pen husband gave me back on my birthday

A close up of the bone blade on my spear:

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I commissioned to have the serpent carved on both sides of the blade. Fuck. I really love it.

My post-ritual selfie with my altar AND my spear:

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And a photo of my spear head in front of my altar:

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All in all, a great ritual. And I’m really glad that I followed my gut instincts on it and waited a day. I was still pretty damn grumpy yesterday. But today, today was much better. And made for a damn good ritual. ::smiles::

Onwards!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

4,015

written: April 11th

Photo of the day:

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Cake in a mug! Woohoo! ::chuckles::

So today is my 11th anniversary of being self-injurious behavior free. I.E. I used to be a cutter. It was my way of dealing with stressors in my life at the time. I’ve since learned “healthier” coping mechanisms. I won’t say “better” because the cutting kept me safe from active suicide attempts. And it kept me sane in a very unstable point in my life.

And then, one day, I just turned my back on it. I elected not to self-harm that day. And then the next. And so on, for four thousand, fifteen days now. After a few years of being self-injurious free, but still battling the desire to engage in some form of self-harm daily, I said to myself that I would consider myself “recovered” when I celebrated a decade free. ::laughs:: I am so glad I did not know then what I know now. A decade free of self-harm, and there are days that I battle the impulse multiples times a day. I can go months without feeling the pull. And then there a months that I’m wanting to harm multiple times. If I had known that I would never be truly free of it, I don’t think I would have ever stopped. Though, if I had known that I would have this impulse for ages, maybe I would have sought out a different way, and never started self-harming. Fuck. Knowing me back then? I probably would have been so arrogant to believe I could beat it whenever I wanted to. ::laughs:: Ah, I miss 20s me. Well, parts of 20s me.

Anyways. So back to today. Hazel Nut has resurfaced. I kept my distance, though let her know that I was available to talk, should she ever want it. And so she asked me to call her today. And we talked for a good thirty minutes, catching up on all that has changed in the 6 months or so that she went recluse. So much has changed for her. Hopefully for the better. But I leave her to her decisions. It is her life and she’s the one who must walk it, must live it. I will give council when required, but for now, I am not to interfere. Besides, she’s as stubborn and bull-headed as I was at that age. Nothing I could say will sway her until she is ready to be swayed. And if things are going as well as she says they are? Then she is content to stay.

David got home stupid late. It really pissed me off. I wanted him to come home and we could eat and watch our show and just relax. But he elected to stay late at work. I’m sure he did not remember why today was important to me. Though, in the past, he made the comment once that he didn’t understand why I would celebrate this anniversary and he would have thought it was something I would want to forget (that I used to engage in self-harm). So I’m sure it wasn’t anything personal, but boy was I all grumbly and snarky all night at him.

I know for next year, that this day is all mine. I will do whatever my lil heart wants to do to celebrate another year without self-injurious behavior. I will not hinge it on my husband being there to celebrate it with me.

Which I feel I have to explain, because I don’t want people thinking the worst of my husband. It was a thoughtless comment made by a person who had never been tempted to engage in self-injurious behavior. He also has Asperger’s and thus, is hyper-rational most of the time. So for someone who goes out of his way NOT to get hurt because it’s painful, he couldn’t begin to understand why I would purposely harm myself. And then beyond that, he couldn’t understand why I would celebrate an anniversary revolving around it. Once I explained that it is like the recovering alcoholic celebrating each year of sobriety, he could grasp the understanding. It still doesn’t fully sink in because the self-harm isn’t a behavior he’ll ever truly understand.

The Storm Birds

written: April 10th

Photo of the day:

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In my city of residence, the storms typically skirt us. All around our city, other cities will get slammed with hail and tornadoes and flooding, but our city gets only the tail end, if even that, when these storms blow through. But tonight? Tonight we got one hell of a storm, complete with hail.

I understand now why Witches have been linked to storms. I understand the appeal of being a Weather Witch – a Witch who is connected to and draws power from the weather, particularly storms.

We had a storm blow through that completely electrified me and that I felt connected to. I “blame” the heightened senses on watching Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them – creatures, magickal and mundane, are my core. But this storm? I could feel the Harpies playing within it.

And because I was so in tuned with the storm, I could discern the various roars within it. The roll of the thunder. The pelting rain. And the sound on an incoming storm line of hail. I even had enough of an advanced warning to be able to explain to my husband that he needed to move his car to our covered carport (he typically parks on the street in front of our house).

And what a roar the hail made as the storm line crossed us. I held my arms up to the sky (under my porch – I have no desire to be pelted by hail hurled from the skies) and holy fuck, did the power of the storm rise up and engulf me. If my neighbors – hell, even my husband – could have seen me with arms upraised and deep soulful laughter spilling from my mouth – they would have crossed themselves and prayed for deliverance from this mad woman and her storm. If it had not been hailing, I fancy I would have been out dancing with my Storm Birds until I fell from exhaustion.

But, alas, marble and quarter sized hail dampened the desire to dance out in the storm…this time around. Hopefully another storm will break and I will be able to run wild out into the rain and dance among my Storm Birds and rejoice in the fact that I am a Witch. I am connected to the natural world even though I find myself stalking an urban jungle. The daily walks with Josey (the dog) allow me to locate natural things (plants and bird life mostly) and to tap into the natural order. This aids me in keeping my Soul wild and my Instincts sharp.

One day, I will have the land I crave. The open space to conduct all of my ceremonies and rituals outside as I please. Until then, I hone my Craft so I may fully appreciate that amazing gift when it finally arrives.

If I can connect that deeply with a storm, within the confines of a city…imagine the connection I will have when I am out in the country, on acres of land that are my own. That I have walked daily and that I know like the back of my hand. I will know where the power pools upon my land, and I will know how to best tap into it.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Mountains Are Calling

Photo for today:

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Yep, that is part of my assignment for my Management Class. I ended up going another direction with the assignment (over Fund-raising – super exciting, I know!) and didn’t have to read that paper. Just four more assignments in the Management Class and then it is done. Thank god.

The Moon is nearly Full and she’s riding high in the sky tonight. The winds are flowing and I am longing to be a Shape Shifter, to turn wolf and just run under the beautiful sky somewhere far, far away.

Given that I have not figured out how to shed this human skin, I did the next best thing – 20 minutes on the elliptical. It has taken the edge off the desire to flee. But the desire is still there, pumping in my blood.

I am tired of being domesticate. I am tired of being tame. I am tired of being responsible. I want to just run away and live off the land and turn my back on society for a while. Not forever. Just a month at max. I just want to camp and go completely fucking feral, away from civilization.

What would it be like to completely unplug from all electronic devices for an entire month? No email. No Facebook. No blogs. No Pinterest. No Tumblr. No cell phone. Nothing. Just me, the wide open space, and a couple of journals and my camera.

Gods, that itch to do another Vision Quest just gets stronger with each passing year. It has been 11 years (I think) since I did my Vision Quest. Damn, time is just a blur. And the mountains, they are calling me back.

Maybe I should touch base with that group again and see if they are still doing the Vision Quests out in New Mexico. ::scampers off to look them up:: Damn, they are doing a Vision Quest this year, August 8th through the 13th. I am sooooooo friggin’ tempted.

BUT….
With the fact that we are hoping to fly up to see David’s parents sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas……
AND the fact that I am trying to see if I can afford to fly up to Wolf Park – one of their wolves (Timber) had puppies yesterday and I would KILL to photograph wolf puppies….
I just do not see a Vision Quest fitting itself into the mix this year.

But maybe next year? Gives me time to really reflect on it and make sure it is something I am called to do. Gives me time to save up the money that the trip and ceremony will cost. And time to make a prayer stick and the altar cloth once more.

It seems I’m always saying Next Year when it comes to a second Vision Quest. It’s never a good time to do it This Year…but Next Year. Next Year will be “perfect”. And it just keeps getting pushed further and further back. And the next thing I know, it’s been 11 goddamn years since I’ve been out on the Mountain.

So I’m setting my intention now. I will do a Vision Quest in 2018. This summer, I will write up a game plan on all the things that need to be accomplished between Now and Then. And I will put them on my calendar and begin working on them This Year.

Goals

written: April 8th

Photo of the day:

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My tumbled red rutilated quartz stone from Sage Goddess. It’s supposed to be good for depression, so I plan to carry it in my pocket for the next week and see how it works for me. If nothing else, it is a pretty stone. ::smiles:: And if it does help? Excellent.

My newest actor crush is Theo James, who plays Tobias “Four” Eaton in Divergent. Like, sweet baby cheesus – so friggin’ hot. He reminds me of Antonio Sabato, Jr, who I had The Biggest Crush on throughout middle school.

But holy hell, Divergent was kind of hard to watch. The thought of a future where you have to pigeon-hole yourself into one of Four Factions? Hell no. Of course, watching it, you have to wonder where you would fit.

And the scenes of Tris (played by Shailene Woodley) getting beat the fuck down by male aggressors? It made my skin crawl and made me almost sick. But I’m turning that around and using it to fuel why I am wanting to get in shape. I need a decent cardio so I can survive the Krav Maga classes I really want to sign up for and test out this summer.

I want to be able to protect myself against any aggressor. I am done being timid and afraid. I will never again be cowed like I was in the past. And if someone does still manage to subdue me? I want it to be an extremely hard victory for them. They may be able to beat me, but the motherfuckers will KNOW they were in a fucking fight. It will leave scars on them as well, and make them think twice about coming at me ever again.

So yeah, my motives for taking Krav Maga are 100% selfish. They are 100% for ME. Hopefully it will allow me to finally exorcise and purge those old Demons. Once and for all. I need that. I deserve that.

THAT is what I am working towards. Striving for. THAT is what I wish to achieve.

Restlessness

written: April 7th

Photo for the day:

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Adorable little Josey (after our walk) doing her sleepy puppy puddle self. ::laughs::

We finally got video of Josey in her Red Dot Hunt (the red laser pointer). I’ve posted them on Facebook. Husband thinks they are hysterical and honestly, they are pretty comical. ::chuckles:: My dog gives 110% in her pursuit of The Infamous Red Dot. One day, she’s vows, she will CAPTURE the Red Dot. I’m not sure what she plans to do once she CATCHES said Red Dot…she doesn’t plan that far ahead. ::chuckles::

The Restlessness has resurfaced. I feel the Wanderlust welling up inside. I hate feeling tethered, by work and by school work. I want to just shed the responsibilities and go feral once more. I want to spend the day at the Zoo, or at some animal sanctuary or hiking or camping. Just something other than what I am doing right now.

Eh, don’t mind me. Full Moon is approaching and I am in desperate need of some serious Ritual Time. I am beginning to recognize that sometimes the Restlessness is a call to reconnect with Spirit, both Outer and Inner. I need to Cast Circle, to Walk Between the Worlds, to Touch the Divine, to Bathe in Sekhmet’s Flame.

And seeing as how I didn’t do a ritual at all for Ostara, the pull to Ritual is even stronger than it typically would be.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Thankful Thursday #14

Photo for today:

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A rose’s second life….raining down petals to the ground.

I am thankful…
1. The t-shirt I ordered from Akua Creative arrived today. Can’t wait to wear it tomorrow.
2. That Josey has a quiet, insistent manner to ensure we do our daily walks. ::laughs:: Just the standard, quiet, unflinching stare until I give in and get ready.
3. That Harvest Moon Haven out did herself again on my most recent order of incense. She always takes such good care of me. I certainly want to try out all of her various incenses.
4. Being reminded again how much I love having Dr. O. as my general doctor. She seems to genuinely care and LISTEN to my concerns.
5. Rewatching Marco Polo on Netflix. Gods I had forgotten how just gorgeous the various costumes and regalia they have in this series. I hate that it only lasts for two seasons.
6. Having the down times to help crystallize the good times. I need that deep introspection to really solidify what I AM.
7. Pinterest, that allows me to peek inside the covers of other people’s journals and bullet journals and find new things I want to add to my own.
8. Mom sharing photos from Lil Niece’s FIRST birthday! So much character there already! ::laughs:: And boy does she have the Death Stare down pat already. I’ll share photos soon.
9. That, for the most part, I do not have expensive tastes. It’s allowed me to survive, and even thrive at times, on a part-time job. Though, to be honest, I can’t wait to get a full-time job and finally be able to seriously pay off my Lone Credit Card Debt (last man standing at this point).
10. That we came out of the past three major storms unscathed. So many people here had to replace both windshields, windows, and totaled out cars due to hail damage…along with new roofs. We didn’t get any real storms at the house, and I am deeply grateful for that.

Hurray, it’s Thursday. Which means tomorrow is FRIDAY. And then I have the weekend off of work – so I can do school work! ::laughs:: Though, next week, I have a 4-day weekend and I intend to bang out as much of the remaining class assignments possible.

Poor lil Josey had her first run in with a wasp today. She got stung on our walk….on her hind leg. So of course this meant she needed a TON of reassurances that she was going to be ok. I love my lil scaredy cat dog. And after the half-way point of our walk, she had completely forgotten the incident and was back to her normal self. ::chuckles::

So looking towards next week….April 11th. That’s the Full Moon…AND my 11th anniversary of being Self-Inflicted Injurious Behavior free. Holy hell. How have I made it ELEVEN years now? I remember thinking on the 1st anniversary that I would consider myself completely recovered when I hit my 10 year anniversary. Oh lordy, how foolish was I then? ::laughs:: Though to be honest, I needed that illusion so that I could make it this far. But this past year, honestly, has been the most trying and the biggest test to my resolve to remain SI free. But it will take more than this to bring me crashing down completely. I’m too damn stubborn at this point to give in on anything less than a catastrophe.

And no, dear Universe, that is NOT a challenge. Please, please, please don’t take that as a challenge, dear Universe.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Scattered

Photo of the day:

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MY POPPLE! Even though it’s pink, and I mostly hate pink, I absolutely and utterly adore my Popple.

Ok, fair warning. This is going to be ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.

I got up “early” today (9 am) and headed over to my general doctor’s office. Back in December, my Gyno put me on a thyroid medication because my thyroid levels were “slightly” low. So I’ve been taking this damn pill religiously for the past few months and they finally sent papers to me to go get my blood tested up here (so I wouldn’t have to drive all the way back to my Lil Hometown to visit my Gyno). So, that brings us up to today.

I go see Dr. O. And we realize it’s been YEARS since I last saw her because most of the time, I’m pretty damn healthy. ::shrugs:: So we got to talking about the thyroid medicine and I was talking about how I had seen ZERO improvement. Which led to us discussing the “symptoms”…which is basically how I’ve been most of my life. Headaches, some hair loss (hello long hair…and everyone I know sheds like crazy as well), and dry skin (totally have NOT been taking care of myself recently, so that can be explained). But none of those “symptoms” are any different from my standard level, and with me being very close to the “normal” range of the thyroid, Dr. O. and I decided I’m going off it. She said to come back in August and we’d test then. That also gives me time to get copies of my thyroid test from December to bring in as a baseline. And she told me if I do begin seeing real symptoms (any of the above, but definitely WORSE than my “normal”) by all means, give her a call and we’d draw blood and test it then.

I either need to STOP taking naps on the couch….or I need to time that shit to sync up for when my husband gets home from work. Holy cow, do I have some seriously CRAZY yet VIVID as hell sex dreams when I nap on that couch. ::fans herself:: Seriously. I take an hour nap on that couch, I need a cigarette and a shower afterwards! ::cackles::

In other news, got weighed at the doctor’s office. I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn’t realize I’d made it back up to 200 pounds. Granted, I’m friggin’ 6 feet tall, so I’m not HORRIBLY over-weight, but I feel my best when I’m around 160 to 170. ::sighs:: I really need to get my act together on that shit. I am walking Josey every day, so that’s a 20 – 30 minute cardio walk. And then I’m trying to get my butt on the elliptical for 20 minutes twice a week right now. But I know it’s most due to the CRAP I eat. ::grumbles:: Why can’t they make delicious yet HEALTHY poptarts? I mean, come on! We’ve put people on the goddamn moon, why are delicious yet healthy poptarts not a thing already?!?!

Sooooo, I’m kicking around the idea of doing the Whole 30 Foods thing. I have a few friends who have done it and rave about it, so maybe I should look into it? Honestly, I just need to start cooking REAL food and leave the highly processed crap out. And I need to drink a shit ton more water. Because I don’t drink that hardly at all. ::she says as she’s drinking coffee::

So on the education front:
Management class – I only have THREE assignments left. Sweet baby cheeses (sounds like Jesus, but is slightly less offensive)! I can’t wait for this damn class to be over and done with. No more management classes unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! Currently holding steady at a 97 for the class.
Preservation class – I only have 5 assignments left. I’m currently holding steady at a 95 for the class.

So all in all, not too shabby at this moment. ::laughs:: And I’ve got to figure out what classes I’ll be taking next semester. Honestly, I should probably map out what I want the next 3 semesters to look like (I’m pretty sure that’s all I have left and then I have to tackle the End Of Course Essays of Death and Destruction – totally warning you now. That week that I have to complete the EOCs…..I will mostly drop off the face of the earth so I can focus SOLELY on those essays. Seriously, if I don’t pass the EOCs…I don’t get my damn degree).

Jaguar

written: April 4th

Photo of the day:

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Yeah, some super ominous looking clouds. Gotta love those gorgeous Texas skies. We got a bit of a lightning show wayyyyy off in the distance (couldn’t even hear thunder, it was that far away), but that’s it.

So I was in a FUNKY head-space yesterday. I’m not sure what was going on. A bit of rationale and grumpiness all combined together.

I do not regret my spear purchase at all. I absolutely adore my spear – even though I do not have it yet in my possession. And even if it does not have an actual physical use, I figure I will adorn it with feathers and claws and stones and all that, to be a symbol of my Faith. But I think I will try using it to Cast Circle and see how that feels. If nothing else, I could use it like a Stang in Traditional Witchcraft….a marker of Sacred Space. Conventional Pagan wisdom would have it placed in the East as that’s traditionally where one begins to Cast the Circle. But I think it will reside in the South. Seems a good home for it. ::chuckles::

I’ve elected to drop out of a few Pagan MeetUp Groups I was a member of. I think that’s what Jaguar is cautioning me about…joining groups solely to be a part of a group, regardless of how they actually mesh with my purpose. I need to be more selective in where I actually put my energy. As much as I would like to be a part of a Coven once again…I honestly do not have the leisure time to devote to such an endeavor. The only way I could be a member of a Coven is if I managed to locate one in my city. But it seems to be a distinct lack of Covens in this city. There are tons in the cities surrounding us…but none within our city limits. Weird. ::shrugs:: But it is what it is. And until I finish Grad school, I just cannot be driving an hour one way to join a Coven that may or may not work out for me.

I must be patient. As much as I hate it. But that’s another aspect of Jaguar Totem energy – solitary by nature, and ever so patient. Something that I need to hone. I’ve perfected going for the throat in an instance and crushing. But now, now I am learning to hold my tongue. I am learning how to play the political game and to bide my time.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Early Morning Ramblings

I am a Wolf at heart – a social creature. And I find myself here alone in the Dark. I watch all my friends playing in the Light and the Joy of their lives. And I feel like goddamn Eeyore. That I only bring down those around me.

I wish I was bubbly and happy all the time. And I feel like when I’m not, I dampen everyone’s joy.
So maybe that’s why I stay here in the Dark. It’s where I end up each time eventually. Maybe it’s just easier to stand in the Center of Chaos instead of attempting to climb out…. only to be dragged back down each time.

This is not a woe-is-me, pitiful-me post.

I need to find a better balance. I am never wholly one or the other. I need to make more of an effort to socialize with people. I need connect more with my husband.
No man is an island.

All Fangs

written: April 3rd

Photo for today:

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A Popple! One of my students brought it up today. I don’t see many of these awesome ‘80s toys. I just love them. I have one. I should post a photo of it. Crazy to think I got it back on my 5th birthday…so it will turn 31 years old in November. ::laughs:: I would love to get a few more. I don’t know why I adore these toys so much, but they simply make me happy. And I really could use a lot more of that. Shit, maybe I should get a Popple tattoo! ::cackles::

My custom made bone-blade spear is almost complete. All that is left is for Mr. Back to put the snake design on the blade.

But here are photos of it before the snake design:

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Full length of the spear, end to end, is 64 inches.

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I am not sure why I felt compelled to get it. Maybe to be a symbol of my inner warrioress. Maybe I like spears better than swords. Maybe I just wanted to splurge and have something nifty, something made especially for me, to my specifications. ::shrugs::

Maybe I am just feeling a bit lost in this moment. Most of the time, I am good. I know my Core. I know my Path…though I cannot see it. After all, if I could see it? That means someone else has already walked it. And thus it is not MY Path.

My Path is the trackless expanse. Not even a deer path through the underbrush. That is my job. It is my job to find my own True North and to follow it.

I am in a weird head space. A mix of equal parts wanting to Give Up and Turn Sheep, wanting to Burn it all To the Ground and Dance Around the Flames, and just Wanting to Curl Up and Sleep it All Away.

And yet, I know I will not turn back. I will not turn aside. I am a Wolf at heart, and I will keep tracking on. That is What and Who I am at my deepest core.

Forgive my ramblings here that may or may not make sense. I blame it on a very weird headache I have had most of today. It is like the residual brain-ache I get after a migraine, what I call echo-headaches because they aren’t really headaches – they don’t behave like typical headaches, and no medicine seems to touch them. It is like my brain recalls the pain of a migraine and that pain is “echoing” in my head, but isn’t a real pain – not sure how much sense THAT makes, but it is the best way I can describe it.

And on that rambly note, I think I will call it a night and stop writing for now. No worries, I will be back again tomorrow. Hopefully more coherent and less belligerent. ::chuckles:: But no promises on the less belligerent part. A leopard can’t change its spots. ::grins toothily::

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Hazel & Summer Time

The Capture Your 365 Photo Challenge prompt for today is “Morning”:

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My artistic photograph of a warm flour tortilla with honey….my breakfast this morning. ::chuckles::

Since I ate all the poptarts, this is my newest food obsession – warmed up tortillas with local honey. I was putting peanut butter on them as well….but….I’m out of peanut butter. ::sighs:: Damn first world problems!

So crazy news – my buddy Hazel popped back up. She’s been MIA since November, and just randomly reactivated her Facebook page and stuff today. But given that she has a relative “newborn” baby (a few months old at best), I highly doubt she’ll be up for any witchy stuff.

And that brings me back to my Totem for this year. It’s the Jaguar….all about Solitary Strength. And I am thinking that maybe, this year, I’m not meant to have a Coven. I’m meant to solidify my own Path and my own Spirituality. Once I have that as figured out as it can be, then. Maybe then, I will be ready for a Coven once more.

And if our little group is meant to get back together once again, that would also give Hazel’s new son a year or so to age. So who knows? But I am glad she’s at least back on-line. I was really worried about her isolating herself with her husband (who’s been cheating on her for a while now and had become verbally abusive) and her father’s family (super Christian; very anti-her-being-non-Christian). That’s not a good situation to be in. And then to cut herself off from her friends? Yeah, I was quite worried about her.

::laughs:: To be honest, when I saw that she was back on Facebook, I thought to myself “Sweet, I can go hang out with her and see her baby”…..and then I remembered….I don’t like babies. ::laughs:: Silly brain.

Anyways. I got the required essays and responses written today for my two classes. With the Management class, I was debating if I would just skip this particular essay. I sat down and did the math to see how badly it would impact my grade – it would drop me from a 96 to a 94. But then I saw that after this essay, I just have FOUR assignments left for the course! Holy shit! There really IS a light at the end of the tunnel! So suffice it to say, I sucked it up and did the budget hearing assignment. The final project for this class is shaping up to be quite the doozy, so I want to beef up my grade as much as possible to give myself a little extra padding, should I need it. And to take a hit just because I didn’t FEEL like doing the assignment? Sounded pretty damn stupid to me once I realized how little is left to do in the course.

I’ve just got to stay focused on the end game here. I’m almost through this semester. And then the after school program will end shortly after that. I’m not sure what this summer has in store for me. I need a vacation for sure. I also need to wrap up my Summer Time Goals. They’re a fun little tradition I started a few years back. I come up with 100 goals for the summer time and do my best to complete them all. They aren’t all massive goals, but are ones that can be accomplished during the summer time – like snocones and ice cream and watching the fireworks. We’ll see what this summer has in store for me.

Ramblings

written: April 1st

Photo of the day:

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The hubs and Josey “cuddling” in his lazy boy. It typically only lasts a few minutes, but holy crap, aren’t they adorable?!?! ::laughs::

Today is Lil Niece’s FIRST birthday! As much as I would have loved to have been there, school work is just killing me. ::sighs:: Like I really want to “draft a memo to an imaginary library director regarding the condition of collections in a library, arguing for environmental improvements to increase the life span of collections” – Preservation class. ::grumbles:: And for the Management class, I have to write about Budget Hearings. Oh goody. ::rolls her eyes:: Tell me again why the hell I signed up for this?

So today is April Fool’s Day. You know, I have never really been a fan of April Fool’s Day. I already have trust issues and a day that is all about tricking people, ridiculing them, and/or pulling pranks has ZERO appeal to me. At least with Halloween, you get to dress up and get candy! ::chuckles::

In other news, another storm blew through (makes THREE major storms this WEEK) around 1 am. I was up, reading in The Modern Witchcraft Grimoire by Skye Alexander (I haven’t read in this book in quite some time, sadly, because life has been so damn crazy here recently). And I was struck by the thought “I’m here, curled up in my warm bed, listening to the rain, reading upon Witchcraft. Life is AMAZING!” ::laughs:: But it’s very true for me. I am the most content, curled up in my bed, listening to a storm rage outside while I’m inside, reading. It doesn’t have to be books on Witchcraft either. Just something that I find interesting. ::smiles::

I actually WON the Workday Hustle with my FitBit buddies. Which has NEVER occurred because Jen and Nona are walking BEASTS. But this past week, I have made it a point to take Josey on a walk through our little neighborhood, even on days that I could justify to myself all sorts of reasons (excuses) not to walk her…or at least not to walk the full distance…but for whatever reason, those excuses fell away and we just went for a nice walk all the same. I plan to continue doing these walks because both of us, Josey and myself, as often as we can until it gets too damn hot (damn summers in Texas). At that point, I think I will test out doing our walks in the evening. It’s still light out when I get home, so that shouldn’t be an issue.