Go From Here

Depression is setting in.

The desire to cut is getting stronger.  Was tempted to sneak off into my office and just put a mark on my arm and blame it on being off my medication.

But it's a good thing I'm off my medication.  The arm twitches are completely gone.  The nausea is almost completely gone.  It's just fleeting now, minor little blips instead of crippling daily attacks.

So I guess it will be back to the drawing board on medication for my bipolar depression.  At least this has proved the oily voice wrong...the medicine is working and it's so nice not to battle depression over the most mundane things.

Like today's been a pretty good day all around.  We had our visit from Corporate today, but they were kind enough to skip over my classroom completely.  Nice because the lead teacher for the day, Morgan, is out (her father recently died) AND the person who was supposed to be helping me out didn't show up.  So it was just me in the classroom.  Bored as hell, but at least Corporate wasn't there, breathing down my neck.  So that's something to be happy about.  Granted, I might get my visit tomorrow, but that's ok.  The  other lead teacher, Holly, will be back and running the classroom.  I did an ok job, but I doubt Corporate would have been overly pleased.  But I'm not going to bust my ass.  I'm NOT the lead teacher and I'm not getting paid to be a lead teacher, so I won't be going all out for it.  *shrugs*  That's just how it's going down right now.  My give-a-shit is broken and I could care less (hurray for the depression flare up).

But it will get better.  It's not that bad just yet, and I'll be calling my psychiatrist soon to see where we go from here.

Off My Meds

I've been 100% off my meds since Tuesday.
But it's at my doctor's behest, so I'm not being naughty.

And if I stay on Geodon, I'll never skip a pill ever again.  I've felt like death warmed over the past 3 days.  And am just now back to eating a fourth of a meal I'm used to.  Fuzzy brained, with a 3 second delay (or more), nausea like you wouldn't believe, vertigo, headaches, chills, and hot flashes.  Felt like pregnancy and menopause all rolled into one. 

The whole reason we're doing this dance is that I've been nauseous for over a month now and have started having muscle twitches in my right arm, peeing all the damn time, dry mouth like a bitch, etc, etc, etc.  All side effects from Geodon (or at least that's what we're trying to prove at this point).

So far the muscle twitches are gone.  And I'm not peeing every 15 to 20 minutes.  The nausea is fading as the drug is coming out of my system. 

But Geodon works soooooo well with my bipolar depression that I don't want to give it up so easily.  I'd rather just do a lower dosage.  We doubled my dosage from 40 mgs to 80 mgs (which my general doctor was shocked I was on so high of a dosage and that we didn't step me up to that level, just dived right in) back on Sept 27th.  Maybe 50 or 60 mgs would be good enough to keep the bipolar in check (I was borderline manic on just 40), without all the side effects.

I was all excited to go off my meds, thinking I'd spend my time in mania and just have fun.  So far that hasn't happened (though I could be in my normal state, not manic, not depressed).  And then I got to thinking, that it's possible I could slide into depression just as easily as I could go into mania and I'm happy I'm staying in the middle of the road right now.

Though the oily voice is back and saying this just proves I don't need the medicine.  I'm sleeping better (more -- better than the insomnia I was having).  But the oily voice is back and that proves the medicine was working.  I'm not a fan of the oily voice.  That's the one that also urges for self-inflicted harm (which hasn't been more than an annoying thought since I've been off the Geodon, and I'm VERY thankful for that).

I need to call my psychiatrist at some point next week and see when this little experiment is supposed to end.  His nurse didn't set an end date.  I'm just keeping an eye on the physical symptoms at the moment and an eye on the mental stability and hoping for the best. 

Thankful Tuesday (because I forgot to do it Thurs)

Sekhmet, by Kimberly Sneed

I am thankful......

1. that my Sekhmet painting is done.  It just has to dry and then Kimberly is shipping it to me.
2. good Dedication Ritual for the Full Blood Moon I did on Saturday
3. not diabetic (got tested yesterday).
4. delicious Chick-fil-a.
5. watching 24 with David
6. Mr. Robinson asking why I was absent from work yesterday (I was ill and at the doctor's office)
7. feeling better today
8. down 20 pounds since August 19th (when I started working at Kids R Kids).
9. that I have no kids of my own
10. good friends

Photos 272 - 293

Photo 272:

Currently re-reading.

Photo 273: 

Potty Ghost at work.
Done with September.  Just 3 months left in the challenge.

Photo 274:

Pretty white and purple lilies at Tom Thumb.

Photo 275:

Reflecting Leviathan.

Photo 276:

Red and Orange lilies at Tom Thumb.

Photo 277:

Adorable toy dinosaur one of my students had.  Seriously wanted to steal it.

Photo 278:

Another type of lily that Tom Thumb had.  These I bought for myself.  Hopefully I don't kill them!

Photo 279:

Halloween Witch crunch bar.

Photo 280:

Postcard from LA via Postcrossing.  Reminds me of a cat I once had.

Photo 281:

Limo three of my 4th grade students made for the Cardboard Challenge.

Photo 282:

found my crown!

Photo 283:

She picks the weirdest places for a nap.

Photo 284:

Sammy, the Robinsons' dog.

Photo 285:

She really likes sleeping on herself.

Photo 286:

Took a break from the Women's Rites book to read this one. 

Photo 287:

Batman jack-o-lantern I carved.

Photo 288:

One of the main reasons I like carving pumpkins.....roasted pumpkin seeds!

Photo 289:

What I paid for gas thanks to Tom Thumb reward points.

Photo 290:

Leviathan resting her head on her water dish.

Photo 291:

Project Ostrich and Seahorse -- two postcards I had the students sign to send to Natalie (former coworker).

Photo 292:

Blood Moon ritual (it's the name of the full moon in October.  No blood letting occurred). 

Photo 293:

David testing out Holly's new kennel (we have to kennel her for the annual fire department inspection that will occur next week).

Full Moon Plans

Art via Pinterest

A scary thought entered my head a little while ago.

What if I wasn't dedicated to Sekhmet?

It's amazing how much of my Pagan identy is tied up in being a devotee to the Lioness of the Desert.  And it's amazing the sense of loss, and betrayal, that simple question ignited in me.  I know I am on the right Path for me, but I've allowed myself to become incredibly lazy with my devotion, with my Walk on this Path.  He'll, I've become incredibly lazy in all aspects of my life.

But what better time to turn over a new leaf than now.  I need to formally introduce myself to Cernunnos through ritual, so why not re-dedicate myself to my Lady of the Flame while I'm at it? 

That will be the focus of my Full Moon Ritual on or around the 18th of this month.

So I need to write up that ritual to formally dedicate myself to Cernunnos and to re-dedicate myself to Sekhmet.  And I need to write a simple devotion to The both that I can do daily to strengthen my connection to Them.

Thankful Friday

Art: No-one Can See Me

I am thankful....

1. babysitting for the Robinsons again.  Great kids, which makes the whole thing a breeze.
2. re-reading Heart of the Sun -- it's stirring my devotion to Sekhmet once more.
3. no ESD today or Monday.  Woohoo for a much needed break.
4. that I was able to leave Kids R Kids early because I was feeling ill this morning.
5. that the illness this morning passed after a few more hours of sleep.
6. clean sheets on my bed.
7. my husband, even when he's being a total stinker-face.
8. my grab-bag of 100 assorted postcards arrived on Thursday and I have a few addressed to friends and one for Postcrossing.
9. writing my own rituals once again.
10. my lily plants.  I hope I can keep them alive and well to bloom again.

Restless and Postcards

I'm bored.
I'm restless.
I ordered 100 postcards.

No really.  I did.  It was a grab-bag of an assortment of postcards for under $20 (and that's WITH shipping).  Not to shabby.  That should keep me quite happy in the Postcrossing world for quite some time.  Can't wait for them to arrive so I can start mailing them out!

The weather has been crazy here.
Friday, it was in the upper 80s.
Saturday, I think we might have hit 50 degrees.
Today has been in the 70s. 
Autumn is trying to gain a foothold.  But Summer isn't conceding defeat just yet.  We'll be back into the 80s tomorrow.

I'm currently down 16 pounds since I started working the morning job 6 weeks ago.  I'm thrilled.  First time in over a year I'm under 200 pounds.  Hope this keeps right on going and I get back down to my lean weight.  I'd be so happy.  Just another reason to keep the morning job. 

Speaking of the morning job, it's changing on me.  Tomorrow we split our class up and I get a new lead teacher.  Seems the two main problem children are going to the other classroom.  But I'm also loosing Gabriel, who was my little screamer when he first started, but has really grown on me.  Gonna miss that blue-eyed, blonde-haired kid.  But hopefully this means that the morning job will mellow out a bit and I won't be so loathe to show up.  Hopefully this will also end the TMJ and I won't have to get the mouth guard (to the lovely tune of $235).  I'm not holding my breath....but I am hopeful.

I was hoping to buy some supplies for my 1st Degree Initiation artwork on this paycheck from the morning job, but it was a bit less than I usually get, as I missed a few days due to a stomach bug.  *sighs*  So, that's been pushed back until the next paycheck. 

No afternoon job Friday or next Monday.  I'm happy, but at the same time, that's two days I won't get paid for.  Still have the morning job on Friday.  And I'm pretty sure we'll be open Monday too.  It's just Columbus Day, which I flat out refuse to "celebrate".  A guy gets lost and opens the way for massive genocide and oppression.  What's there to celebrate?  But hey, if you want to give me the day off of work for it, I won't bitch about THAT.  *chuckles*  I'm babysitting Friday night, so I'll at least have that extra money to pad that paycheck with.

Denton County Police Force contacted me about their Rape Aggression Defense classes.  I'd expressed an interest in them, but then couldn't afford the classes (mostly the time off of work to attend the classes).  But they're already lining them up for the new year, and I'm thinking that with the morning job giving me an extra $350 every two weeks, I can afford to take the time off of the afternoon job to do the classes.  They meet once a week for four weeks, so it's only 4 days that I would have to leave the afternoon job a little early so I could get to Denton in time for the class.  And I think I'm going to register for the March classes, once they have them set, as I'll have Spring Break off of work, which will mean that I'll only have to leave early on 3 days. 

I think taking this classes will be a good step for me.  I'll have a bit more confidence in being able to defend myself.  I still plan to take Krav Maga classes, but it will be a bit before I can afford them.  Then I'll be a walking bad-ass.  *laughs*  At least, that's the plan.

Cardboard Challenge Explained

The Cardboard Challenge was a global day of play hosted by the Imagination Foundation. The basic idea was to allow children the freedom to be as creative as they wanted, as this creativity is what makes them great later on in life.  Give them cardboard boxes and let their imagination guide them however they see fit.  ESD joined over 1 million kids in over 70 countries in this Day of Play.

For more information, and the story behind the Cardboard Challenge go to http://www.cainesarcade.com/

My students created everything from a pinball game to a limo to castles to a UFO. 

Photos to be added soon.

Update on Sekhmet Painting

Kimberly was going through a rough patch and had to put my painting aside for a while. 
But she's since picked it back up and this is what she's got thus far:



The color is just perfect, as I was wanting it a blend between the tawny gold of a normal lioness and the snow white of a white lioness.  Beautiful. 

She'll fix the ears as they are too pointy and mellow out the eyes to a honey gold instead of yellow. 

And because she took such a long break on it, she's cutting the price down a bit. 
Though, honestly, I may still pay her the full amount because it's turning out so nicely. 

I can't wait to have the finished painting hanging above my altar.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful....

1. that I write these lists, as I'm at least writing SOMETHING.  I'm terrible at writing currently.  Not sure why.
2. will be babysitting next week, so woohoo for good kids and extra money.
3. got the rough draft my goals for the next year (I set them on my birthday {in Nov}) started.
4. wrote out my Tabula Rasa (Latin for "clean slate") ritual written down and have done the year review up to the present completed.
5. the photos I ordered arrived yesterday.  In them, there are the nature photos I'll be making Mandalas off of for the Art Every Day Challenge in November.  I'm eager to start that.
6. the morning job is getting a bit easier, a bit more enjoyable.
7. Rune class this weekend with the Coven.  I'm happy to be getting back into the swing of things with them.
8. we ate at On the Border for our 4 year anniversary.  Great good and a great waiter.
9. today is the last day of the Cardboard Challenge.  I'll be writing about this more later, I promise (there's actually a TON of things I need to write about).
10. able to pay all my bills.  That's so satisfying.