Drama Bombs

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Saw this bad boy at Michaels (was there to pick up more of the ornaments for the Witch Ball creations). David LOVES Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. But even he thinks that’s insane. ::laughs::

Lexi was back at work today – boo. We were all immediately reminded why we were happy she was gone the past two days. ::chuckles:: She’s just way too much high maintenance. Everything is always 150% dramatic with her. ::shakes her head:: Luckily, we had the sub Karina again today (we LOVE her) to fill in for Sarah that quit back on Nov 10th. In theory we have someone to replace her that should be starting HOPEFULLY next week.

So a new drama bomb went off in the Cauldron – I swear, I could make a daytime soap opera off this shit. Apparently this Robert guy (the like THREE times I’ve ever seen him post in the group, it’s been 100% douche level shit) started bitching and moaning how men are treated like second class citizens in Witchcraft/Paganism. And apparently Murphy went the fuck off on him. Good! If I had seen that shit, then I would have done the exact same thing.

Robert seems to be one of those special little bitches who runs around saying, “Oh you are treating me exactly as an EQUAL to women? I’m so oppressed!” He isn’t being treated as a second class citizen. He’s just no longer being put up on a damn pedestal just because he has a damn dick. And fuck that noise. Just like those damn special Christians who scream about “war on Christmas” because people say “Happy Holidays”. Bitch, that isn’t saying you CANNOT celebrate Christmas…it’s just saying YOUR holiday isn’t the only fucking holiday that MATTERS!!!! Sucks when you feel that by bringing the other religions up to your pedestal, you are somehow being “oppressed”. Y’all are a bunch of BITCHES. You have no idea what oppression really is.

So yeah, that’s been fun. And then come to find out, Jenni? My lil dial-a-spell-wanna-be? Apparently, I ain’t nothing special…she’s been begging for the same things from everyone else on the Cauldron. And giving out different addresses as well. Sketchy as fuck. So I’ve gone ahead and unfriended her and blocked her. I knew there was something off about her…but I was giving her the benefit of the doubt because she was in the Cauldron. I really need to stop muting my gut instinct. I fucking hate that I do that – it’s never steered me wrong, as long as I just fucking listen to it. ::shakes her head:: Well that’s one less thing to put together and mail out now. So now I have extra ornaments. I guess I’ll be making a few Witch Balls then for me. ::laughs::

Firepit & Happy Reminders

written:  November 28th

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WE HAS A FIRE PIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I’m more than a little excited about this. I love fire. I adore fire. David doesn’t like me using the fireplace because it would heat up the entire apartment (I haven’t lit a fire in the fireplace at the house, only at the apartment), but now I get to have fire and it won’t overheat him. ::smiles:: I’m so excited!!! Now, I just have to wait for him to be able to put it all together..

Alexia was out again today. We got Karina, whom we just adore. And she ended up staying a little later than everyone else, helping me finish up cleaning up the last bits, and she told me how awesome she thinks my campus is. She said that so many campus leaders get concerned on how their campus really is doing, and we are kind of isolated and don’t really know what’s going on on other campuses. But, with Karina being a floater and getting to go to so many other campuses, she has the ability to see all the campuses. And she just wanted to tell me how awesome my campus is, from the way I run it to my students to my staff and to the parents. Just all around, it’s one of her favorite campuses to come to. And with the shit storm that has been my work life here recently, it was something that I seriously needed to hear. It just reminded me of WHY I’m doing all of this, WHY I enjoy my job as much as I do (for the most part). And it serves as a MASSIVE reminder of why I’m BLISSED THE FUCK OUT that I did not get the Zone Leader position.

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Banish

written: November 27th

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The “Banish” oil from Sage Goddess came in today. And damn it works well. I had it a whopping 10 minutes before I decided to banish it the fuck out of my house. It stunk to high heaven….smelling horribly of black licorice. ::gags:: I can’t stand it. I even put some on to see if the smell would mellow out…that is a MAJOR negatory. If anything, it got STRONGER. I had to wash down my wrist with dish soap to get rid of it. BUT…I’ve found someone willing to trade a bottle of Hecate oil for Banish oil. So yeah, getting that shit the fuck out of my house.

Amanda, a friend on FB, shared a post the other day that really resonated with me and is something I seriously needed to read.

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Written by Sassy Outwater on November 20th:

Two Uber drivers lost their jobs today because they happened to get me and my Guide Dog as passengers, and they refused to transport us because of my dog.

Two Uber drivers lost their jobs today because they refused to transport me and my guide dog because they did not know the laws surrounding service dog access.

Two Uber drivers lost their jobs today because I exercised my rights and reported them to Uber.
Two Uber drivers lost their jobs today because of me? Or because they did something illegal, which happens to affect me, and I did not stay silent.

It doesn’t feel good right now to be me. I was discriminated against, felt I had to say something about it, but if I had kept my mouth shut, they’d still have a job with Uber. If I spoke out, I’d be preventing future incidents of illegal activity.

I don’t feel good tonight, though,, like I’ve achieved anything. Two people don’t have jobs tonight because of me.

That’s how society loves to frame the disability experience. That this is my fault, because I’m disabled.

Which is utter crap.

Two people lost their jobs today because they did something illegal,. And they didn’t get away with it. I reported it, as is my right, and I feel, my obligation. Me being the disabled person and saying an experience of access denial happened—how is that my fault? I’m conditioned to think it is. I’m fighting myself so hard tonight to not let society’s expectations and beliefs about disability put this one back on me… to not blame myself. For being blind. For being a dog guide handler. For being disabled. For needing access rights. For speaking up when I am discriminated against and refused access. That. Is. Not. On me!

Those two drivers know where i work. They know my name. They know what I look like. What will they do with that info? Hopefully nothing.

But yes, that fear nibbles on me every time I report a service dog access refusal.

I do it anyway, because friends are being harmed. I’ve been hurt by these incidents. I was late to an important work meeting because of two refusals in a row.

This is a sick, twisted justice… it’s wrong. It’s harmful. And I don’t feel like I get any place in this experience to be angry, loud and able to stop it from happening over and over. I’m tired. Weary of it. But what else is there to do? Where will the breaking point come? How will we get to a point where this changes? I’m tired. Tired of the disabled experience in America. Tired of being the bad guy. Tired of being seen as the problem when I dare to point out that someone able-bodied caused a problem.

I’m just tired. And Sad. And hoping I get some space to get angry and change this crap once and for all! Enough!

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While my situation is different, there are similarities running there under the surface. I was really starting to doubting my “validity” in reporting the shit-storm that was our staff meeting. I was questioning my “intelligence” in reporting it. I was questioning WHY I reported.

And then I read the above post and I realized I was all twisted up over the wrong damn reasons. It is not MY fault THEY fucked up. And I should not feel bad for telling them they have to do better.

Ruffling My Feathers

written:  November 26th

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Beautiful rock glass for an outdoor fireplace that we saw at a store. Granted, this isn’t what we are getting, but Husband DID buy me a fire pit! ::happy giddy dance:: He’s finished up a lot of the porch area’s stones. I know, I keep saying that and then he turns around and puts in more. But he’s saying it’s done, and I’m hoping this is true. But he’s finally bought the fire pit. Now we just have to wait for it to be delivered and then we can put it together. I will have a fire pit for Yule! Which means, I can make a proper Yule log to burn. I foresee a lot more outdoor rituals for me, using that fire pit. And lots of roasted marshmallows!!!!

Ah, yes. Now I remember WHY I remain mostly a Solitary Witch and do NOT venture too far into the Pagan Community. So lil newbie chick, Jenni, straight up asks if I will make her a witch’s ball. Which, I mean, it’s no big deal. I’ll have all the supplies on hand when Hazel and I put ours together for the full moon. So really, all I would need to do is get another clear ball ornament (dirt cheap) at Michael’s sometime between now and next Sunday. So no biggie and I agree. THEN she starts telling me to make it to attract love and to heal a broken heart because she misses her bf so much.

That’s a red flag to me. First off, bitch, you ASKED me to make one – I didn’t offer straight up. And then, I agree, even though it was kind of rude on your part. And now you are demanding a love spell, essentially. Yeah, I don’t do that shit. Love spells of any sort are like fighting off 4 octopi – those tentacles get EVERYWHERE. And it ends up ripping up things you had no idea it was even attached to. So yeah, I don’t touch those with a goddamn 10 foot pole. And CERTAINLY not for someone I barely even know…though she’s invited me to go with her to Scotland in 2019. ::shakes her head:: Yeah, I’m figuring out real quick that the Crazy is STRONG with this one.

So yeah, I’ll make the damn witch’s ball – the same way I’m making MY damn ball. And I’ll send her the holly that she asked for as well. But after that? I’m washing my hands and putting a bit of distance between me and Jenni. Even if I wasn’t in grad school. Even if I wasn’t working. Even if I didn’t have anything else going on in my life…I would not have the time or the energy or even the fucking desire to take this desperate lil witchling under my wing. Dude, she’s clingier than a damn prom date. ::shakes her head::

I understand Bobbi’s post about her NOT being a teacher, about NOT looking up to her, to NOT follow her Path. I don’t mind sharing tips and tidbits. I don’t mind healthy debates on various topics of interest. But I’m not your Slot Machine Witch – you don’t just dial up a spell from me and expect me to dance to your tune. I don’t mind doing magick for friends. Hell, I’ll even share my oils and whatnot at the drop of a hat for friends and family. But some lil chick that’s “known” me for a whole hour? Yeah, she don’t know SHIT about me. And if she DID know me? She’d know how bad she’s screwed up. ::chuckles::

Wolves and Witches

written: November 25th

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Every year, for Halloween, Wolf Park does this “Give a Wolf a Pumpkin” fundraiser. And for a $25 donation, they will send you a photo of the wolf (or fox or coyote) of your choice, enjoying the carved pumpkins. I’ve been doing this for well over a decade now (I really should gather up all the photos I have and see when the earliest one was). This year I chose Niko, one of their new pups – the only male black wolf they have.

I spent most of today catching up on my 10 year journal. I had let that slide (due to school and work and all that jazz), so it took most of the day to catch up on my notes. Now I just have to transfer it over to the actual journal. ::chuckles:: But this is year 2 that I’ve put in this journal. Eight more years to go. ::smiles::

I’ve got to remember to tame down my Bad Ass Witchy Self. One of the newbies (Jenni) in the Cauldron group messaged me with some questions over the Witch Balls the group is currently having a blast making. I gave her all the advice I had…and she’s invited me up to visit her…after “talking” to me for 30 minutes. Um yeah…that ain’t happening anytime soon.

I am trying to put my knowledge and my spin on this out there. Gods, how much different would I have been if I’d been able to talk to other witches when I first started out? Like, that would have been so amazing. But, at the same time, there is nothing like doing it all on your own as a learning experience. You are forced to figure it out. You get to figure out what YOU enjoy doing, what YOUR innate skills are, and what exactly YOU believe or don’t believe. There is no substitute for that. And honestly, now that I think about it…I am glad that I did so many years completely solitary before getting involved in Covens and the greater Pagan Community.

Witch's Ball Ideas

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Harvesting Morning Glory seeds. Slow, tedious, and you don’t feel like you get a whole lot of bang for your buck. ::chuckles:: I’ll probably continue working on this tomorrow. I would like to be able to offer some to the Cauldron ladies, if they are interested.

So, Tasmin, one of the new ladies at the Cauldron, did a quick little live video on how to make a Witch’s Ball. And this has taken the group by storm. A couple of the other ladies have made some as well. And seeing as how I have two of those clear ball ornaments that I picked up months ago, I thought it would be an awesome lil project for me and Hazel to do for December’s Full Moon.

This is the clear ball ornament I have:

 

Morning Glory is good for awakening to the magic of life, clarity and simplicity, happiness and harmony, and relaxation.

Heck, I’m so geared up for this. I have two pages of notes on various things that I have currently (herbs, flowers, stones, etc.), that I can put into the Witch’s Bottle. That’s the stuff I’ll be bringing with me when I head over to Hazel’s on Dec 3rd for the full moon. And she’s a big herbal witch, so there’s no telling what all she has. And she also has some gemstones that we can use as well. I’m so incredibly excited about doing this finally.

Thankful Thursday #47

written:  November 23rd

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This is what true love looks like guys. I woke up at 2 am with the most vicious round of a stomach virus I’ve had to date. ::shakes her head:: So yeah, we didn’t go visit my mom for Turkey Day celebrations. Instead, my husband went out and bought these for me when I requested Pepto. ::chuckles:: I swear, I’m the only person who LOST weight on Thanksgiving Day.

After discussing that, let’s move on to food! ::laughs:: As requested, here’s the recipe for the Cheesy Hashbrown Casserole I made:



I am thankful…
1. That David ran out to pick up Pepto and NyQuil for me, as I was super unwell.
2. Sleeping and resting and recuperating.
3. Watching tv and being utter bums all day.
4. Beautiful weather…cool, but not cold.
5. Having this entire week off of school AND work. It’s been nice to just decompress and relax.
6. My loyal followers on Deviant Art who never fail to favorite and/or comment in my photograph, no matter how long I go between uploads. It’s really nice to have a dedicated group of people who just really appreciate my photography.
7. Depression is lifting. Thank all that is holy for that!
8. The guy at Pet Supplies flirting with me yesterday when I ran in to get allergy pills for Josey. Brightened my day.
9. A card from my UK pen pal. I love getting snail mail. It seriously makes me so incredibly happy.
10. Had such a great time at the Gem and Mineral show with Hazel.

Better Today

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I know it doesn’t look like much, but this shit is legit once cooked. This is my “spicy” cheesy hash brown casserole. I almost forgot to cook it today. ::laughs:: This way, I will just have to heat it up tomorrow at lunch time for our family’s Turkey Day meal.

My mood as of late has greatly improved. Thank the heavens for that. I am also putting my best foot forward in the Cauldron group. I’m giving voice to my take on various topics they bring up. I don’t do the video chats that they do. I’m not comfortable with that at all, even though it is a private group.

I completed the last of the readings for this week and posted my discussion topic. I actually enjoyed the readings – about blogs and Facebook as a personal history account of current population. I honestly could delve much deeper into those topics. Next week we pick our own topic to discuss, so I may look into some of the other papers quoted in those two articles and write about that. After that assignment, all that is left is the Final. That will be similar to the Midterm, in that we receive a handful of essay questions and will chose a certain number to answer. Like the Midterm, we’re given a week to complete and turn those essay answers in. And seeing as how I would like to raise my grade above just a 90, I will need to really put some good work into these essays. That’s where I can beef up the grade, if I just put the extra work into it and really pull out all the stops. Burn out is hitting me so damn hard, but I’ve just got to grit my teeth and get through this. Then I get like a month off of school before starting the Spring Semester.

Lifted

written:  November 21st

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Here we have the elusive Pit Bull Napping Nest. ::chuckles:: Josey created the cutest little napping nest. She’s not overly thrilled that I dared disturb her nap to snap a photo.

Man, we took the most awesome nap once David left to go to work. Josey was a bit confused when I got into David’s bed, but once she realized I was settling in for a nap, she was all about it. We slept until 11:30 am. And I swear, that nap? It turned my day 100% around. Hell, my depression that was so suffocating yesterday (and for the past couple of weeks, if I’m being honest)? Gone. Like completely gone.

I got two articles read for class. And I went ahead and took a bath using Soaptheory “Sea Mineral: Serum Bath Fizzy”. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting a whole lot, but man, I loved this one. It even had silver glitter, which is usually a huge no-go for me, but it was awesome. ::chuckles:: I definitely plan to pick up a few more, but given that they’re $6 a pop? Yeah, those will be reserved for “emergencies”. I definitely want to test out their other ones as well.

I’ve decided that there is a purpose to the hokey Cauldron group. Instead of quitting it, I think instead that I will rise to the challenge and use it as a point of self-reflection. Instead of just getting huffy over their “bullshit” that offends my “good sensibility”. ::cackles:: Instead, I will use it as a point of reference to solidify what I DO exactly believe. And why their bullshit irks me so damn much.

Zero Mood

I am no mood to suffer fools…and the Pagan world just abounds with them.  I cannot understand why people (Pagan or otherwise) will turn their backs on Scientific Truth and embrace some fanciful lie instead.  I swear, these are the ones that I loathe almost as much as the truly Fanatical ones who believe nothing but lies.

What has me currently irked is the topic of the Cottingley Fairies photos – which the girls involved eventually explained it was all a hoax.  But one witch in the silly Cauldron group says that the last photo they look was actually real.  Even though the girls admitted that the fairies in their photos were paper dolls.  But oh no, I’m the terrible witch for discounting the fact that fairies are real.  Bitch, I know they are real, and they aren’t those fluffy lil creatures in Peter Pan, all glitter farts and sparkles.  Real fae have teeth and claws and are snarky lil shits.  ::chuckles:: 

And then this same witch goes on to post photos SHE’S taken of “fairies”.  Yeah, I hate to break it to you but they are grasshoppers in flight.  But I’m being a nice witch and keeping my mouth shut on this one.  She already said that she doesn’t care if people want to say the Cottingley Fairies photos are hoaxes.  She knows in her heart they are real and she knows that fairies are real.  And that’s all that matters.

::shakes her head::  Sometimes, I kind of wish I had never started down the Left-Handed Path.  I wish I had never sought any FORM of enlightenment.  Or maybe, I just wish all these damn sheep would wake the fuck up.  I understand how much fun it is to cling to your make believe.  It’s far more comforting to stick to your secure little campfire.

But me, I’m out here, dancing in the darkness, reveling in the Sight it brings.  I’m shedding the shit I’ve outgrown, like a serpent down on my belly.  But once I’m out of this constricting bullshit, damn bitch.  Watch me soar on my Draconic Wings. 

New Moon Ritual

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I finally did my New Moon Ritual.

 

And as much as I want to say how awesome and powerful and awe-inspiring it was….all of that would be a damn lie.

Depression is crushing me right now. And it’s honestly creating a huge disconnect between me and the entire rest of the world. Almost depersonalization level.

But I’ve done a bit of retail therapy. I hit Bed, Bath, & Beyond and I snagged two bath bombs. I plan to use one of those tomorrow. Do a facial mask. Light some scented candles. Maybe some incense as well. And do some reading for class. I’ll take a nap. Or I’ll take Josey for another long walk.

Onwards. Forever onwards.

Gemstone Show

written:  November 19th

Hazel and I got up and headed over to Gem & Mineral Show today. It was so cool and I am so glad we went.

I think I’m just going to let the photos speak for themselves.

Pyrite sand dollar:

 

Like holy shit! Look at how gorgeous this is. I definitely want to get one in the future. I think it would be BEAUTIFUL to set Sekhmet’s statue on it. It looks like a sun disk.

Next up:

 

Ribbon jasper carved pendant – it’s hard to tell from the photo but this is a Werewolf. Like how freaking cool?

Mosasaur teeth:

 

I really meant to go back and pick up a few of these, but I got distracted. ::chuckles::

CAVE BEAR:

 

Like holy shit! Luckily for me they didn’t have any Cave Lion or American Lion fossils. That would have been so dangerous to my bank account. ::chuckles::

Now, on to the stuff that I did purchase:

Larvikite beads:

 

These are just gorgeous. They have this iridescent sheen to them.

Sometimes milky white (like Moonstone).

 

And sometimes blue (like Labradorite).

 

Then, there is this pendant I picked up by the same guy selling the Werewolf pendant. He called it an angel….but angels don’t like tits like that. This is a Harpy. And holy hell, are my Harpies twittering about this pendant and the Larvikite beads. I will apparently be making them a necklace in the near future.

 

And from the lady that I purchased the Larvikite beads, I picked up this snake totem stone. Every time I walked past this lady’s table, my eyes would land on this one stone in a basket of stones. Once I knew I was getting the Harpy Pendant, I knew I needed some beads. And once I knew I would be getting the Larvikite beads, that snake stone was coming with me as well. ::chuckles::

 

So yeah, for next year, I plan to start saving a little bit of money from each paycheck. The stones there were top quality and dirt fucking cheap. And I need to remember to bring CASH. One guy there are DIRT FUCKING CHEAP, top notch stones, but he only took cash. So I need cash next time around.

Sharing Joy

written:  November 18th

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Awesome postcard I received today from BlurredBeauty, a fellow blogger and recent good friend. I had the privilege of sending her some samples from my scented oil collection and she’s been kind enough to send a few cards my way. ::smiles:: It makes me happy to share the things that make me happy and in turn, to see how they make others happy as well.

Righting the Wrongs

written: November 17th

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I have an AWESOME student, Alex M., who loves drawing Leviathan (my pet snake) in a wide array of get-ups. I love coming up with new ones for her to draw. I plan to put these into one of my art journals for safe keeping. ::smiles:: So enjoy a portrait of Leviathan, as a Leprechaun.

I’ve been doing a daily tarot reading for myself for the past few days. It’s taken a while to figure out the spread I work best with, but I do believe I’ve found it. It’s the Breathe Deeply Spread by tarot-subarite.tumblr.com.



I’m using the Gilded Tarot, which is unusual, as the Tarot is the brutal truth – while Oracle cards are so much NICER. ::laughs:: And the fact that I’m willingly taking the brutal truth avenue? Rare for me. ::laughs:: I like GIVING the brutal truth, but not so big on RECEIVING the brutal truth. Today’s reading just really sunk home the fact that the shit that went down yesterday at the meeting is beyond NOT ok and that something HAS to be said. And sadly, I do not feel comfortable, especially after that shit storm of a “diversity” meeting, to have a sit-down discussion with my bosses about it. the only way I would do that is if I had legal counsel present, and I don’t want to go that route unless absolutely necessary. So as much as it makes me incredibly nervous and more than a little afraid, I lodged my complaint with HR. They’ve even emailed me back saying someone will be in touch to schedule a “hearing” on the whole thing. Granted, this is the Friday before we get out for a week for Thanksgiving. But I expect I’ll hear something once we get back to work. I hope I’m working myself up over nothing and that the hearing goes very well and it is a HIGHLY productive meeting and I don’t end up losing my job if I do end up being outed as a Pagan.

I know, I can’t technically lose my job due to religion, but let me tell you. There is a LOT of shady shit they can do in the meantime to either make me want to quit or to give them some other (legal) reason to fire me.

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Recapping

written:  November 16th

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Damn katydid is eating my roses. I know, I shouldn’t be complaining as my roses are STILL blooming in the middle of friggin’ November. But I would be happier if the damn katydid wasn’t munching on them currently. I do need to tie some of the newer canes up to keep them from being completely bent to the ground. The blossoms are heavy and tend to bloom in major clusters. All in all, a good problem to have, in my opinion.

So yeah, to say the staff meeting today was a clusterfuck would not even begin to scratch the surface out just how fucked up it was. I wrote a MASSIVE long entry about it already and I have no desire to revisit that now. I will be lodging a complaint with HR in the morning. I have to fill out this special form, but at least I can scan and email it once it’s done. Plus, I would hate to have to handwrite today’s crap-storm…with the form being a Word Document, I can type it so much faster than I could ever hope to handwrite. And honestly, my hands are so out of shape in that regard now. I remember the last time I did the Morning Pages…in the beginning I would have to take multiple breaks to rest my poor hand as it was cramping up before three pages were written. And to think, I used to write all of my college papers longhand before typing them up. ::shakes her head::

Paula did text me later on the in evening, to apologize if any of her comments added to my feeling of complete alienation during the meeting. She’s been a good friend for a while, and a friend on Facebook (which means something deeply to me, as I do NOT censor myself on Facebook), so she’s WELL aware that I’m Pagan and a crazy liberal. I’m sure she subconsciously knows that I’m bisexual, even though I’m not super out about that. There’s just no reason to be, as I’m in a very committed relationship and have zero desire to cheat on my husband, so honestly, my sexuality is very rarely a topic. But she would certainly know that I’m pro-equal rights for the LGBTQ community. She’s usually very conscious of equality in just about everything, hence why we are such good friends. But this also explains why her callous remarks were so hurtful, because it really was the last thing I expected from her.

Honestly, I think that the meeting threw everyone for a loop….well, no. Not everyone. Some weren’t phased at all and continued with their WASP commentary. But for the bulk of us, it was so out of left field and SO terribly handled that all of us were just caught off guard. And it sucks, because someone really should have been able to stand up and shut that shit show down, but all of us were just flabbergasted at it.

It is hard to stand up and say something, when there is a good chance there can be some serious repercussions for doing so. It’s hard to stand up and say something, outing yourself, and thus very realistically putting your job on the line. And it’s really hard to stand up and say something when you get the rug pulled out from under you like that. ::shakes her head:: So yeah, I’m not happy that I didn’t take the opportunity to speak up and say something. But I will not remain silent. By remaining silent, I am saying “This is ok”. And it is NOT ok.

So wish me luck. I will be making my stand shortly. I hope it doesn’t completely out me, as I’m not ready for that yet. But if that is what it takes, then so be it. Hopefully by me speaking up, it will give others to courage to stand up as well, in whatever way best suits them.

And, should this shit blow back on me in a negative light, I WILL secure legal counsel and take it as far as that fight needs to go. Again, I hope it doesn’t go that far.

Diversity FAILURE

written: November 16th

Wow, today was a complete and utter kick in the fucking teeth.

We had our monthly staff meeting.  And my bosses through it would be a GREAT idea to tackle the very THORNY topic of “Cultural Proficiency” – aka Diversity.  They covered the topic in one of THEIR meetings and thus they thought it would be SO FUCKING AWESOME to have the same topic at our meeting.

They started off by showing “The $100 Race” – which, if you haven’t seen, you really should.  It explains, very visually, what White Privilege is.  And I had such high hopes that this could be a good open dialog about diversity.

But, as the guy who was doing the race, started listing off the “privileges”….a lot of those, I don’t have.  So yeah, it was not pleasant to sit through that part…having the “deficiencies” of my life listed off.  Even though most people do not know them…it still sucks sitting there, watching all those people getting to take their steps forward in that race…knowing that I wouldn’t be taking those steps forward.  I would be one of those at the back of the group….for the people in the front of the group to look back on in pity.

THEN, comes the wonderful Bible verse at the end of the video.  Which, yes, it had some good words of advice there…but it just serves to further alienate the religious minorities.  The same information could have been imparted without the religious connotation.

And THEN.  This is the kicker here guys.  THEN the bosses divide us up into groups of three so we can “share” our diversity with our coworkers.  For a full minute we are to talk about our “culture” – you could not be interrupted. 

Um.  No.  Maybe if they had set up an inviting atmosphere to SHOW that diversity would be respected.  But I sure as shit was NOT getting that feeling.  And like, what am I supposed to share about my culture?  That I’m a fucking Pagan?  Yeah, I’m in the damn Bible Belt working with CHILDREN.  Hell no I ain’t sharing that information widely and freely.  Oh, how about my sexual orientation…because that’s a “safe” topic right?  Or mental status?  Yeah….no way in hell I am discussing ANY of that with coworkers.  While they cannot fire me for any of the above…..they can find other things to drum up instead.  I sure as shit am NOT giving them to tools to do so.

Kelly (the director) then mentions how she felt that growing up, she didn’t have a culture.  I wanted so much to tell her that she DID have a culture.  She just didn’t see it as “vibrant” because it’s the dominant culture…and thus everyone toes the line to keep the dominant culture happy.  We all know the words and the gestures of the dominant culture, even if we are not a part of it. 

She then talked about Christmas break….and then said “Oops.  That’s my cultural lens there”.  To which Paula (a dear friend) grumbled “EVERYBODY celebrates Christmas.”  I pointed out that NO.  Not everyone celebrates Christmas, and that there are 30+ holidays/holy days celebrated in the month of December and that Christmas is but ONE of those.  She grumbled that “No, everyone celebrates Christmas.  It’s not even a religious holiday.”

I’m sorry, but just because YOU do not celebrate the religious aspects of it does not remove the whole CHRIST-MAS of the name. 

And then she said that “All have similar holidays during this time as Christmas, so it’s all Christmas.”  Wow.  Yeah, because let’s fucking Christian-Wash all the damn holidays….even though Hanukkah is different AND from a religion that DOES pre-date Christianity, we should just stamp it Christmas and move along.  ::shakes her head::  Isn’t this the shit this “discussion” was supposed to clear up?

And then, to make matters worse….Paula fucking OUTS me as a Pagan to the other person in our group. 

Let me be perfectly clear here.

If you know about someone’s “diversity” (such as culture, religion, sexual orientation, health concerns…hell even political party could be tossed in here in this current political atmosphere….etc.), you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to out that person unless you have specific permission to do so, or they have already outed themselves.  Even if that person is very open about it on their various social media platforms.  Even if that person is quite open about it around most people.  It is still NOT YOUR PLACE to out someone.  Ever.  E-V-E-R.  I will say it again for those in the back.  NOT FUCKING OK EVER. 

So yeah, at this point, I completely shut down.  No good was coming of this, and I was being asked to share information that I’m not comfortable sharing…especially NOT in a group setting….and that goes double for WORK ENVIRONMENT.

Luckily we moved on at this point to discuss what we as campus leaders would like to see occur at our All Staff Meeting in January.  The bosses wanted topics, FORMAT on how that topic would be covered, AND asked for “volunteers” to lead those classes.  Like, what the fuck already?    What the hell are THEY doing for this damn meeting?  And if we are putting in all the work for these stupid meetings, then I should be getting their pay for those hours.

And at this point, I thought we were home free….but no.  It gets better.  One of the campus leaders said that she thought it would be a GREAT idea if we did the exercise from “The $100 Race” with all the staff present.  I know she means well….but holy fuck, are you SHITTING me?  They WANT to see that visual, to help them understand the MASSIVE differences in privilege. But you know what? They are sitting on the privilege side. And those of us who are NOT in the privilege realm? We Are NOT Here To Be Your FUCKING Props.

If you cannot visualize how the differences in diversity can positively/negatively impact people....If you cannot SEE IT IN THE DAMN VIDEO THEY SHOWED US?  Then there is no hope for you. You do NOT get to use people like pawns. 

And a lot of those questions in the video, the ones that allowed certain people to take 2 steps forward for each one that applied to them?  They are deeply personal questions.

So while I can get behind the fact that they are recognizing that diversity is very present in our society and it is something we all need to better understand…the approach the bosses took made for an extremely hostile environment.  Just because I am different from you, does not mean you can DEMAND that I put my “diversity” on display for YOU.  I do not OWE you any explanation of my culture with you ON DEMAND…which is exactly what this whole “exercise” felt like.

And I am currently angry….so fucking angry that I ended up giving myself a tension migraine.  Being late to my campus due to all this bullshit and the fact that I didn’t have an opportunity to even take 10 minutes to myself to calm down.  Yeah, made for a shit-tastic work day.  And then toss in that Kindergarten was having their “Thanksgiving Program” – fuck, don’t even get me started on how culturally insensitive their “Indian” artwork is to Native culture – which means my cafeteria was all fucked up.  So much fucking rage.

By the time I got home, I was still SEETHING inside.  I came home, wrote about it very vaguely on Facebook, I was in such a rage, I didn’t know what do to with myself.  I ended up Ugly Crying ™ for a solid 15 minutes. 

I wish I had had the courage to speak up, to challenge each and every part of this whole shit storm that needed challenging.  Even on the parts that don’t apply to me, and the fact that I DO benefit from White Privilege…I should be using the shielding that White Privilege affords me to speak up for those it does NOT shield.  And yet, I found myself just shocked into silence.  And if I felt that way….I can’t even begin to imagine how those to have no White Privilege must feel.  It truly was AWFUL.

I am debating what my next step will be….because this shit cannot go unchallenged.  And they sure as HELL better NOT do that Race Challenge thing with the staff on the All Staff Meeting.  I don’t know if I should having a meeting with Kelly (director of our program), or if I should just head straight to HR.  Because, I know for a FACT that I am not the only one offended and alienated by today’s meeting.  I guess it depends on how I am feeling about it tomorrow morning.  I have the form needed to submit a Formal Complaint to HR.  I think I will fill it out and then decide tomorrow if I will send it in or not.  HR is super pushy about us resolving our conflicts internally before bringing it to them.  But I’m not sure I’m comfortable attempting to broach the subject on my own.

And, to be kind….Paula did text me earlier this evening, to apologize if any of her comments added to my feeling of alienation.  That is huge in my opinion.  I am glad she recognized how horrible the situation was all around and that she did play a part in it.  That is huge in my book.