Unicorn

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Sometimes ya just have to say “fuck it” and go be a unicorn for a while. Today was one of those days.

Man, today has been ROUGH on me. Depression has been bad today. And having a borderline headache all day long doesn’t do much to lift one’s spirits. Intrusive thoughts have been bad today as well, and the urge to cut has been stupid high today. Today is one of the suckiest Mondays I’ve had in a while and I’m ready for it to be over.

But we had Mackenzie back on our campus today. That did a lot to lift my spirits. I seriously love having her on my campus. I wish we could just keep her. ::chuckles::
I managed to mail out Leida’s journal to Sharmila today. Fingers crossed that it moves as swiftly as possible to reach Sharmila. ::chuckles:: Leida mailed out Ali’s journal to me today. I need to do a better job of not procrastinating on working in the journals. ::chuckles:: Yeah, wish me luck with that one.

It turns out the Sunday that I was going to work at the F. Library, and would be unable to go to the Bone Divination class…yeah, they aren’t even open the hours I wanted to do, so I was able to bow out of working that day. Soooooo, I WILL be going to the Bone Divination class after all! Yay! I’m rather excited about this form of divination.

And just in case anyone is concerned about me…I’ve been dealing with depression since middle school. I’ve not engaged in non-suicidal self-injury behavior in almost 13 years now. I know my triggers and have healthy coping mechanisms in place now so that I am not a danger to myself or to others. And part of that healthy coping mechanism is writing about it – instead of DOING it. Writing about it, acknowledging that it is there, and then letting it go is how I cope instead of carving my issues into my skin. And this round is actually easier to deal with because I know it’s being triggered by the death of my grandmother and is part of my grieving process. When I know WHERE the issue is stemming from, then I can find ways to cope. It’s when the chemical imbalance comes to play and there is no external trigger, that it becomes hard to just ride it out. But, for as much as I’m struggling right now, I am ok.

I will make it through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And honestly, there is no way through but through. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Man, I would love nothing more than to just sleep the day way. To hide under my covers and deny anything is wrong. But these assignments aren’t going to do themselves. These Practicum hours aren’t going to do themselves. And if I am not at work, I am not making money. So. Yeah. Can’t be doing that just yet.

Honoring

written: February 24

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One of the beautiful peach colored roses that was in the flower arrangement for my Grandmother. I stopped by the cemetery on my way home today, specifically to get one of those roses. While I was there, I also dusted off my grandparents’ headstone and my great uncle’s headstone (he is right beside them) as they were a little dirty due to the burial yesterday.

I have the rose drying in my closet at the moment. Once it is completely dried, it will be placed on my altar for my grandmother.

I am still debating how I want to set up an ancestor altar for her. Yesterday I wrote down some notes on possibly making a shelf (written in my physical journal), but then I thought of doing a locket necklace instead? Like I could put her photo in the locket and then get charms for the other things I associate with my grandmother – like a pug, a turtle, a ruler, an apple, etc. I guess the main thing is, I don’t know if this will become a permanent altar/shrine for my Grandmother, or if it will be more of a temporary thing. So for now, I’m kind of putting the brakes on this whole thing. I’ll just set up part of my main altar to be just for my Grandmother until I figure it out.

All in all, it was a very good weekend. The service was beautiful. Having that much of the family all gathered together was awesome as well. The drive home was pleasant. And it was really good to BE home again as well.

I had a letter waiting for me from my Swiss pen pal (Lisa F.). Today was also the Virtual Write In for LetterMo, so I got quite a few letters written this evening that I’ll mail out tomorrow. I also mailed a postcard from the Hometown mail box, which gives me my 3rd different mail box challenge. If I had been thinking about it, I would have brought two postcards to mail, and would have mailed the 2nd one from the Tiny Country Town my grandmother was buried in – they have a tiny little post office there. I actually kind of want to mail myself a postcard from there, just to see if the postmark will say that Tiny Town’s name.

I really should just get myself a HUGE desk calendar to use at home. I have my planner and then I have printed out calendars to figure out when I will do my Practicum hours and I forget to check them both. I went ahead and emailed my Practicum Supervisor the days and times I wanted to work for the first two weeks of March. THEN I realized the ONE Sunday I wanted to work is the SAME Sunday that the Bone Divination class that I REALLY want to go to is being held. ::sighs:: I was tempted to email her immediately and say, “Ooops, can’t work that day”, but I’m not going to do that. Sucks that I’m going to miss the Bone Divination class, but I’ve already made that commitment with the F. Library. guess I’ll just have to wait until that class comes back around again.

Service

written: February 23

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Suzanne (a cousin of mom’s) found this ruler with my grandmother’s name on it when she was cleaning out one of the closets at the school. She found the ruler the day before my grandmother passed. Suzanne brought it to my mom today in case we wanted it.

There is so much to say about this day and everything that happened, but I’m just not ready to put those things into words.

Suffice it to say, my grandfather’s spirit showed up to collect my grandmother. So I know she’s in good hands. And the service itself was beautiful. I’ll write more on that when I am ready.

Turtle

written: February 22

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The temporary turtle tattoo arrived today. I can already tell that it probably isn’t going to last long due to constant movement, but I do like the way it looks. I would want a slightly smaller turtle, and moved a little bit further away from the wrist. But all in all, I like the look.

I mailed out Katie’s package. I was supposed to just send her the Red Fast Luck Oil, but then I started tossing in little bits and bobs. I had to fill out the padded envelope because NO ONE likes a lop-sided envelope! ::chuckles::

There was just no way I could get to the post office with enough time to mail out Leida’s journal to Sharmila – it requires me to fill out customs papers. And I will be busy all day tomorrow with funeral things. But I do have the journal packed up and ready to go on Monday, so hopefully it won’t be too terribly late.

My Wintergreen oil arrived today. This eBay seller shipped SO quickly. Now, on the next paycheck, I’ll just have to buy Vanilla oil and a carrier oil of some sort and I’ll have everything I need for the Red Fast Luck Oil. And Hazel Nut said she was totally game to making this while we are doing our Day of Ritual in March. I am glad I listened to that intuition nudge and bought TWO mixing bottles. She’ll have a good sized amount for herself. She’s also sent me a list of items she would like me to bring for the Day of Ritual – my athame and my drum for sure. Just need to figure out what day we are doing all of this so I can get that blocked off and not schedule anything crazy that day. ::smiles:: It’ll be nice to do ritual with her again.

Evening Shift

written: February 21

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A teaser photo from one of the pages I did in Leida’s journal. Just waiting for the paint to dry so I can work on some more before it’s time to mail it out to Sharmila.

I did a long evening shift at the F. Library. But honestly, it went really well and really fast. I am tempted to take on a few more of these, spaced out over the month, just so I can knock more hours out and have to do less days. And less days means less toll fees, which is always a good thing in my book. ::chuckles::

I got to sit in on the Self-Publishing class with Adult Services today. I finally made it to the 4th floor! ::laughs:: And more and more, I want to work at the F. Library. One of the Librarians running the class has purple hair! Not completely purple, but purple highlights and the underneath part was dark purple. Just loved it. So it would seem that things like this would be ok at the F. Library – nose piercings, small tattoos, and non-natural hair color. And the people, seriously, are THE BEST people. The two Adult Services librarians I was with for an hour were just as excited to have me helping out as all the others I’ve come in contact with.

And honestly, the traffic was super light both going to the F. Library and coming back home at those hours. I wouldn’t mind working that shift or a similar one because of that – if I get a full time position, that is. I’ll work this shift again next week and I’m actually looking forward to it. I just need to remember to pack some sort of snack because by the time I got home, I was so hungry! ::chuckles::

Metamorphosis

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Dew on the grass. I liked how it made a nice line of drops.

I had JUST enough Red Fast Luck Oil to fill the LAST little roller ball 5 mL jar I have to send it to a friend in need. ::smiles:: And she was kind enough to send $10 as a thank you, so I’ve already started buying the necessary supplies to make another batch of the oil. ::smiles:: All I need now is the Vanilla oil and a carrier oil of some sort. Not sure what I’ll use just yet. I have the Cinnamon oil and have ordered the Wintergreen oil and the dried alkanet root pieces. Now I’m letting the little bottle chill and charge on my altar. I’ll bring it out under the full moon later on tonight, when she graces the skies and then it’ll be ready to ship off to Katie. Hopefully I can get that done on Friday.

I’m finishing up working in Leida’s journal. That will ALSO be hopefully mailed out Friday. And since it’s going to Sharmila, over in Bahrain, I really need to make sure I get that mailed out on time. It takes about 3 to 4 weeks for it to arrive, which is stretching this journal swap out. But given that it costs about $25 to ship it to Sharmila, I’m totally ok with spacing that cost out a bit. ::smiles::

I’m excited for the oils and whatnot to arrive. I’m looking forward to crafting some lovely Red Fast Luck Oil again. And I’m looking forward to crafting some other oils that I have recipes for as well. I also need to pick up the rest of the herbs for the Ex Banishing Incense. Then all that is left is to get a nice mortar and pestle and I can finally get to work on that. I’m ready to get that going and get the last residues from him out of my life once and for all.

I can feel my feral soul waking up again. I guess hibernation just hit me extra hard this year. But I can feel all this fur and claws and teeth beginning to unfurl. This witch is waking back up. And I can’t wait to see this metamorphosis has transformed.

Sincere

written: February 19

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Silly, Leviathan. She has TWO, very nice hides. But she ADORES the one made out of a plastic dog treat bin.

I have it in her tank from time to time, when she’s about to shed. I put a wet paper towel inside to make a humid hide to help with the shedding process. She rarely uses it when she’s going to shed. But after? Man, she LOVES it. ::shakes her head:: Maybe I should stop spending money on the expensive “natural” looking ones, and just re-purpose bins like this. It would save me quite a bit of money in the long run. And I’m sure I could figure out a way to paint them or add some stuff to them to make them look less like dog treat bins.

One of the local Pagan stores just posted a whole bunch of new classes that all sound super interested. Bone divination, candle dressing, tea leaf reading, etc. So it would seem that I will be spending my weekends at that store, attending the classes in March. They’re free so why not take advantage of them? And they’re classes I’ve been wanting to take, but never got around to it. Hopefully I can make it to these rounds of classes and won’t have to wait another damn year for them to roll back around.

Originally, I had planned to take a photo of the sympathy card that the whole Youth Team at the F. Library got me and personally signed. You want to talk about ugly crying on the drive home! I was just beyond touched by the caring words by so many people there. And here I was worried that they would be tired of me having to take days off due to migraines and to the death of my Grandmother. They were honestly shocked that I came back this week as my Grandmother’s funeral is this weekend. Jennifer even gave me a big hug after giving me the card and told me that if I needed anything, to just let her know. And man, it was so sincere. It was humbling to be honest.

Granted, my after school program hasn’t done anything for me on this level. But then again, I haven’t told them either. My staff on campus know, but my bosses don’t. And, honestly, I’m fine with it being that way. I didn’t want any “standard” so sorry for your loss line from them, because it wouldn’t have felt sincere. Very little from the higher ups at the after school program feels sincere any more – except when they are giving us the shaft. So yeah, I didn’t need any of their crap heaped on top of what I’m already dealing with. But the people at the F. Library? Man, I’ve only been there for a month, and that isn’t even full time. Half of them I’ve only worked with a day or two. And yet, they are some of the kindest, biggest hearted, genuine people I’ve come across. If, for no other reason than that, I would gladly work there, even with the commute and the toll road. Because they are truly amazing people.

Gun Range

written: February 18

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We checked out the local gun range that Emily H. (coworker) suggested. This is one of the rifles that really caught David’s eye and that he is interested in testing out when we go back to actually shoot stuff. They do have the Smith & Weston I was looking at and a few others that I can rent and try out. Not going to lie, I am totally going to fire the Desert Eagle they have. It truly is a friggin’ hand cannon. ::chuckles::

Sadly, we didn’t have the time to actually shoot today – ok, ok, so I did not have the time for us to shoot today, and David won’t go by himself. But I got a lot of reading done and one of 3 assignments done. I have still got some time to get the other two assignments knocked out and start working on the Big One, so I am not too terribly worried about getting it all done. Just gotta make sure I do a little bit each day instead of letting it pile up and drown me again.

I got some letter writing done. ::smiles:: It cracks me up how much I am thoroughly enjoying myself in this, but man, I’m loving it. Hopefully my stamp order will arrive soon, as I’m really getting low. I may have to swing by the post office and pick some up just to carry me over until it finally arrives.

I was able to run over to the FedEx store and print out some photos I want to add to Leida’s journal. One of these days I’m just going to break down and buy my own printer. I don’t know why I’m being so stubborn about it right now. ::shrugs:: It’s just one of those things I’m being stubborn about. It’ll break eventually and I’ll get a damn printer. And I’ll probably use up all the ink within 2 weeks of having it. ::laughs:: But oh, my journals will be so full of amazingness. If nothing else, it would be so much easier to keep my Witch’s Journal up-to-date than I currently do. ::chuckles:: I guess that is one of the good things about being on Sabbatical from Witchcraft…at least I don’t have much to update or fall behind in updating.

Speaking of which, I’ve begun working on March’s layouts in my BaBuJo. I need to start planning for my Ostara surprise. I would love to say more about it, but it’s a secret and I want it to stay a surprise. ::chuckles:: I’m also planning in March to either start using the elliptical again or doing yoga again. I just need to start doing SOMETHING physical. And hopefully the weather will start playing nice and I can get back into walking Josey on the days that I’m not working at the F. Library in the mornings. Those days, I barely have enough time to feed myself before having to head off to the after school program.

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Funky Sunday

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The perfect dandelion. I seriously love these little yellow flowers that turn into wishing balls of fluff.

I got hit with a headache today. ::sighs:: So yeah, needless to say, no gun range for me today. We’re hoping to go tomorrow instead.

I got three letters written today. My To Reply pile is down to just 7 pen pals.

I got some reading done for class. I have like 3 assignments due on March 1st – they’re each worth a point a piece. And then another assignment due on March 4th that’s worth 15 points. ::shakes her head:: Yeah, I don’t really care for the screwy schedule and funky points, but eh. It is what it is. Just gotta make it through this final damn semester. I have Senior-istis so bad right now. I’m just so ready to be done already.

I made a decent purchase of stamps today. I order online, because my local post office rarely has a half-way decent selection. So buying online is the only way I can guarantee I’ll get the stamps I want. ::smiles:: Just sucks that tomorrow is a holiday, so it will be a bit before they even process my order and mail it to me.

I am planning an ancestor altar for my Grandmother. Offerings I’ll make there will include her beloved peppermints, black coffee, and black licorice. I’m hoping to gather some photos of her from the service that I can also put on the altar. I would like to get some dried thistles later on to put there as well (national flower of Scotland). A turtle statue, a pug statue, and definitely an apple to round it all out. I’ll spread purchasing these items out. I’m not in a rush to get them. And I would rather wait, take my time, and find the right ones for the altar than bum rush it and end up with some crappy things that I end up replacing later on.

I’m getting the Purging itch again. I need to really go through my wardrobe and remove the items I do not wear or cannot wear. I need to go through my various witchy items and do the same. I’ve hoarded too many things and I don’t even know at this point what all I have and don’t have. I have so much stuff that I feel I’m actually suffocating spiritually. There’s no way I can use everything I have. So I need to clear out, par down. Time to get back to basics. Simple Witchcraft is where I started, and that’s what I’m being called back to. I’ve gotten too caught up in having The Stuff that I’m not even Witching any longer. Maybe tomorrow I can get started on that. I don’t have to do it all in one day, but I do need to get started.

Honor & Guns

written: February 16

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A beautiful rubber stamp, Betty R. (a pen pal) used on the letter I received today. I love it. Seriously, love it.

I have been struggling with how to properly honor my grandmother at her upcoming funeral. She was a full blooded, proud Scot. She was officially Christian (Baptist), but she ADORED Greek and Roman mythology. I have her papers from college and her mythology book with all her personal notes. It comforts me to think she is up there, finally getting to meet and hang out with all the deities, titans, mythological creatures, and epic heroes that she loved so much. And then it came to me – I need to put two coins in her coffin to pay Charon, the Boatman, to ferry her soul across the River Styx. I am thinking a Susan B. Anthony dollar and a Sacagawea dollar – silver and gold. And with the faces of two, strong women. Much like my grandmother endeavored to be, and to make my Mom and myself into as well. Ideally, the coins would go on her eyes, but the rest of the family is very Christian. So instead, I will put them in a nice little drawstring pouch, and place it inside the coffin with her. Charon will find the coins when it is my grandmother’s turn to cross the River. Still not sure what I will say at the funeral itself. But I feel at peace, finally, to have something to do to honor her passing.

David and I went and looked at guns today. I am wanting a handgun and am deciding between the Smith & Wesson M&P 9 Shield or a Taurus G2C. Emily H. (coworker and friend) did say that one of the local gun ranges has those guns for people to test out on the range, which is exactly what I want to do before committing to purchase. The Taurus has a much thicker grip than the Smith & Wesson, but just holding the gun – I like the feel of the Smith & Wesson better. David is talking about possibly going tomorrow or Monday (since we both have the day off) and firing some guns. He is looking more towards a rifle or a shotgun for himself. So at some point, we will hit the gun range and check them out ourselves. Plus, this gun range offers a number of classes for both pistols and rifles, along with the class to get licensed to carry. As I do plan to carry mine (concealed – no sense in broadcasting that I have a weapon) where I legally can. There are also some groups in the area that do “drawing under pressure” weapons training that I definitely would want to look into once I am done with the degree. Because, there is no point in getting a gun for protection if I can’t draw it properly in hostile situations. Hopefully, I won’t find myself in one of those situations and it will all be for naught…but better safe than sorry.

Much Better Friday

written: February 15

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Erin O. (pen pal) sent this Starbucks card to me to add to my collection. I have picked up a Texas one to send back to her – she also collects all things Starbucks. And I think I still have some “official” Starbucks stickers I pilfered from when I was working there – so I will be sure to send her a few of those as well.

All in all, today was a MUCH better day. I needed one of those this week. This week really has just been a kick in the teeth just about every step of the way.

My Kohl’s order came in, and the shirt and the cardigan are PERFECT. The shirt is a bit more green than I thought it was going to be, but it is a nice mix of green and gray – perfect Slytherin shirt if I ever saw one. ::chuckles:: But I am seriously looking forward to rocking that shirt.

And then my Sage Goddess order of the garnets came in and they perfectly fill up the jar I have them in. ::smiles:: So I’m rather pleased with that now. I also got a free gift – a piece of tumbled “temple stone”? It’s pretty, but I’ll need to read up on what SG says the metaphysical properties are on it as I’m not familiar with it at all.

At work, the kiddos were pretty dang awesome. We got Scotty McHotty as our sub today, which is always nice. Wish we could keep him. Behind the obvious eye candy treat, he’s friggin’ AWESOME at his job. He meshes in very well with all the kids and has no qualm working with anyone or being inside or outside with the kiddos. And he’s calm and mellow and doesn’t rile the kids up unnecessarily. Just all around a great guy.

I came home and made Caine’s sauce and waited for David to come home. As soon as he got home we headed out to grab dinner from 5 Guys Burgers. Don’t get me wrong, their fries are just fine plain, but with the homemade Caine’s sauce? It’s just AMAZING. It’s always a nice treat to enjoy a cheese dog and some fries.

And I get a three-day weekend! Woohoo for that! I plan to get some serious letter writing done. I’ve got about 10 letters I need to respond to. And I want to get started on the next assignment due for the Resource Management class so I’m not scrambling at the end again. It’s not due until March 1st, but I’m doing some serious hours at the F. Library the next two weeks plus I have the funeral next weekend. So that will cut into the time I have to get to work on the assignment. After not doing so stellar on the first paper (got an 80 so it isn’t like a bombed it or anything, I just know I can do better), I definitely want to do well on this second assignment.

Valentine's Day

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Cute pit bull Valentine’s Day card David gave me today. I gave him an otter one. ::chuckles::

All in all it was a very productive day. I got a couple of letters responded to and sent out some postcards for LetterMo. I still have a ton more to catch up on, but I’m slowly chipping away at that huge pile.

And I started working in Leida’s journal as well. AND I got Annie’s package (with a little surprise inside) all ready to be mailed out tomorrow.

Thank goodness this paycheck is a NICE one. I was about to have to dip into savings to cover bills. ::chuckles:: But I can cover all my bills, socked a good chunk into savings, and even backed a Kickstarter book. It’s the Creative Sojourn 2: Artists’ Journey to Wild China. They did one a few years back for a trip to Africa. Basically, you get a bound copy of a book created from their various sketch books and journals on the trip. There are 8 different artists going, so there’s an awesome mix of creativity in the book. I even went up a price tier because I wanted the book AND the enamel snow leopard pin. ::smiles::

Todd (a former after school student) stopped by and hung out today. He made these two stickers to put on my work laptop:



David and I had a nice quiet evening at the house. We watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith – the perfect Valentine’s Day movie for us. ::chuckles::

Allie (former aide of mine) and I chatted for a while via FB Messenger. She received the awesome postcard I sent her and then was inquiring where to get stationary/postcards/cards on a budget because she wants to send them to her husband over in Iraq but doesn’t want to break the bank. Hopefully we can find a time to do lunch and catch up properly. If nothing else, she’s definitely invited to my Hey I Got my Damn Degree lunch at On the Border this summer when it happens. ::smiles::

Well I got the coloring sheets copied, cut, and sorted for the coloring books work is having us do. Which, I realized…we are having our kiddos decorate them to give to kids at the hospital undergoing chemo treatment….in the height of Flu, Strep, and Stomach Virus of Doom season. Like, can we say TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA??? Yeah, let’s make all these coloring books for kids with compromised immune systems when my students are THE MOST LIKELY to have a dangerous cootie. ::shakes her head:: I will be spraying our books with Lysol after the students decorate the covers, just in case. These kids shouldn’t beat cancer just to catch the flu from my students and die because of it.

Doing Better

written:  February 13

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Sleepy Josey in light and shadow.

I am doing world’s better today, mentally, with the whole grief process. Little things will catch me off guard and made me a bit sad. And holy crap, I have been seeing turtle imagery EVERYWHERE. My grandmother ALWAYS made it a point, if we saw a turtle crossing the road, we would turn around and help it get safely to the side it was headed. ALWAYS. Didn’t matter where we were going, if we were late or not. If there was a turtle on the road, we were stopping for it. I still do this to this day. Anytime and every time I see a turtle. And it always makes me think of her. Hence why I’m thinking of getting a turtle tattoo in her memory.

Ok, I seriously have to get to work in Leida’s journal. I’ve had it like a month now and haven’t done a single page! ::laughs:: Granted, I do have ideas about pages I want to do. And I’ve even printed some of my photos from the Falconry expo that I want to put in there. I just haven’t put pen to paper just yet. Mail out date is NEXT Friday, so I need to get to cracking. Which also reminds me, I need to send out Annie’s parcel with the Red Fast Luck Oil in it asap as well. AND the coffee mug I bought for a friend, but just haven’t gotten it packed up and mailed just yet. I’m running so behind, but it’s a completely justified behind, given EVERYTHING going on in my life right now.

I need to figure out what I’m going to say at my grandmother’s funeral. Which awesome story I will share. And I need to figure out how I’ll mark her passing my own way (aka, non-Christian). The funeral itself is going to be pretty informal. The family is doing most of the talking and reading of various Bible passages. We’ll do a lunch before and then the graveside service.

I hung up the hearts the staff and I wrote for the students today. They turned out so good and I’m so glad I decided to this for the kiddos. The kids had so much fun looking for their heart and reading what of us wrote about them. This is going in the Care & Feeding of the After School binder so hopefully it can become a tradition year after year. I even emailed Esmeralda (my supervisor) about it. I was kind of hoping she’d come out to the campus and see them, but she just asked me to take some pictures to send to her. ::shrugs:: Oh well, I didn’t do it for her. I’m thinking next week I will laminate them and have the staff help me cut them out before giving them to the students. I also want to write the after school program’s name and the year on the back of them before I give them to the kiddos. I have no idea if they will keep them or not, but at least the thought it there.

Long, Long Day

written:  February 12

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Doctor’s office selfie (since I didn’t get my selfie done on the 10th of this month).

The day started bright and early with a 7 am phone call from my Mom.
To let me know that my maternal grandmother passed away at 2 am.
At least I didn’t have to go to my Practicum this morning at the library. I had a doctor’s appointment instead, for my ear infection…which turned out to be BOTH ears. So yeah, steroids and antibiotics for the win.

Then I had a staff meeting. Which honestly, I totally could have skipped, but I really need the money. I did give myself permission to just walk out if we ended up doing our stupid Circle Time again. Nope. Instead we got to spend most of the meeting putting together a small coloring packet that will go to one of the local children’s hospitals. It’s a lovely concept and I can totally get behind that, but we already have so much other stuff we’re doing on campus, that this just really isn’t ranking too high on my priority list right now. I did NOT make one of the practice ones. Really wasn’t feeling it and I sure as shit was not going to play nice to appease others right now.

I ended up stepping out into the hallway instead and ordering a pink rose to have delivered to my Mom’s house to just let her know I’m thinking of her right now. Kelly (super head boss) stepped out in the hallway to make sure I hadn’t just up and left. ::rolls her eyes:: And Esmeralda (my supervisor) seemed a little surprised that I didn’t make one of the coloring books, but didn’t say anything. I mean, we got a print out with directions on how to make them and I can fucking read. I don’t need to make one right now.

Then it was to work. Which I would have loved to have not gone to, but we’re already down a person and I won’t do that to my staff. Besides, I wasn’t relishing the idea of just being at home alone with little to distract me. Work went well.

And no, I have not told my bosses or my staff that my grandmother passed. I just cannot deal with the “sympathy” right now in person. I’m barely holding it together as it is. I did, however, email my Practicum Supervisor and let her know, because I was not going to come in Wednesday or Thursday for my Practicum hours. My grandmother is the one who majorly instilled the love for reading in me and who had a very large personal library. So yeah, spending time IN a library? Can’t do that right now.

I did light some incense and pray for her. I thought it was fitting that I chose the “Celtic Mist” as my grandmother was a proud full-blooded Scot.

Mom’s asked if I want to be a pall bearer. I’m actually very humbled that she would ask me and I’m happy to do that for my grandmother. So now, I need to get some black boots, as I’m gonna need “sensible” shoes for the funeral. I mean, I HAVE black boots already – but somehow I don’t think my black, knee-high combat boots with a 3 inch heel are going to lend themselves to a steady base. ::chuckles::

Submitted Paper of Doom

written: February 11

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Submitted my Paper of Doom today. There are parts I skipped because I just did not have the time allotted to get that part done. But a mostly done paper is worth tons more points than no paper. So I know I won’t get a perfect score, but hopefully it will be a good score all the same. Note to self: Do a better job staying on top of things! Geez!

Hazel Nut called today while I was finishing up my paper and before David got home. It was nice to catch up with her. She wants to get together on the next new moon. She wants to do a good clearing, cleansing, and blessing of her house and herself again. And she really wants to do a ritual of some sort to mark my change in life – i.e. no longer having periods. Which I had pitched a while back…like an initiation ritual essentially. So I need to do some research on what this ritual is going to be – as typically, when you stop having periods, you get your Croning ritual…but I’m not of age for a Croning…and I don’t feel like a Crone. Maybe a variation on a Warrioress ritual. Because, that’s more in line with what I feel. Now to just write a ritual and gather the items before (checks the calendar for the date of the March new moon) March 6th.

The more I hear and see about Representative Ocasio-Cortez, the more I friggin’ fall in love with her. Not like a physical love, more like a hero-worship version. I’m actually toying with the idea of making a saint candle for her (one of those 7-day candles in a glass jar). Just lighting it every so often to send her good energy and protection, to thank her for all the work she’s putting into the fight for the people. And to remind me what a good Warrioress does for the people. I’m thinking a white or blue candle.

labyrinthine musings

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I call this one, “College Student: Still Life”. ::chuckles:: Hurray for Starbucks. And I had the great idea to write down all the sections and subsections for the Paper Of Doom and highlight the parts that I’m 100% done with. Yeah, got a bit more to go, but I’m about 50% done. I swear, I know more about the F. Library than I EVER wanted to. I think the only person who knows more about the F. Library at this point is the Library Director! ::laughs::

I even emailed my Practicum supervisor, inquiring where I can find the information I need for this paper, but haven’t had any luck on finding just yet. Hopefully, she’ll email me back tomorrow with that information. If not, since I will be at the library already (to do some more Practicum hours), hopefully I can ask the librarians there and they can help me out. I also plan to pick up a lot of their little pamphlets on various things they do at the library, to add them to the information stack required for this damn Paper Of Doom.

Ear is no better, no worse. So it looks like I’ll be calling Dr. O in the morning. Hopefully, she’ll just call in the prescription and I won’t have to do any major song or dance. I have my fingers crossed on that. And now I’m out of my Thyroid meds – I forgot the pharmacy closed early on Sundays. ::grumbles:: So I guess I’m skipping that med tomorrow morning. I should be able to pick up after work tomorrow evening. And missing one dose isn’t going to kill me. Besides, I will HOPEFULLY be picking up meds for my blasted ear as well.

David has taken on the Impossible Challenge of writing down all the movies we have on Vudu currently AND the DVDs/Blu-Rays we have in the binder books. He’s smart enough NOT to toss in writing down all the DVDs/Blu-Rays we have still in their respective cases. ::chuckles:: That would be insurmountable.

Let’s see, what else can I babble about as I wait for my potato to bake? I added 2 new friends on LetterMo. This brings my friends list to 48. I’ve written intro letters to the bulk of the new ones already. I just need to hit that respond pile as soon as I’m done with the Paper of Doom. And I should probably buy some more stamps, but that’s going to have to wait until pay day. I’m really strapping myself thin right now.

I know, I know. I have money in savings that I could certainly use. But I’ve really trained myself hard NOT to touch it. It really is for EMERGENCIES only – and my Polar Bear Trip. ::chuckles:: So, most of the time, it doesn’t even enter my mind that it’s available money. Which is a good thing, because I LOVE to spend money. ::laughs::

David and I were talking while running errands and I mentioned how I am tired of being poor. I told him how awesome it would be if I made as much as he did a year, instead of not even HALF of what he does. I would pay down credit card debt as fast as I could and then we could work on paying off the house. Ideally, I would like to keep the house a few years after we paid it off, and sock that extra money away into savings. After that, we could see where our jobs are based and if we would like to move closer to them. Living the dream here, I swear! ::laughs::

Play it by Ear

written: February 09

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Mom sent us a Valentine’s treat box. David and I are enjoying the peanut butter balls and the card (and money). Josey got to enjoy the box immensely. It had been taped a lot so it put up a good fight against her and kept her entertained for quite some time.

I hate how whenever I need to see my doctor, it’s the weekend and the following week is a crazy booked solid week. ::sighs:: The Crud has mostly gone away…except that it’s turned into what I’m 90% sure is an ear infection. Sound coming into my left ear sounds like it’s going through a foot of cotton before it reaches me. It doesn’t hurt, thankfully, I just can’t hear out of it too well. I just need some antibiotics to knock the ear infection out. But it’s Saturday. And next week, I am at the F. Library Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. I have a staff meeting Tuesday morning. And I work the after school program Monday through Friday. And my doctor always has crazy long wait times – like 45 minutes is a NORMAL wait time in her office. So if I could get in first thing Tuesday morning, I might be able to do it before I have to go to the staff meeting. Or if I can get in first thing Friday morning, I should be out in time to go to work. Should.

Or, as a friend suggested on Facebook, I just could go to a CareNow facility, as my insurance sort of covers it. And since no part of my “illness” can be classified as life-threatening, they shouldn’t jack the price way up (like when I had to go last year due to allergies and shortness of breath). It’s just that trust is a huge component of health care and I trust Dr. O completely. I have NO idea the quality of doctor I will get at the CareNow facility. And even though the two times I’ve gone previously, the doctors and the nurses were very good, it still worries me and makes me anxious. Guess I will just play this one by ear (ha! Get it?!?!). If I can last until Monday, then I’ll call Dr. O on the way to the F. Library and see what we can do. If it gets worse, then I’ll go to CareNow.

Making some headway on the Library Profile Paper due on Monday. Luckily the professor was kind enough to give us a detailed outline that she wants us to use for the paper. So it has all the necessary headers already in place, AND a detailed paragraph or two about what information is required under that header. Definitely makes the task of writing this damn thing a bit less daunting. I like ones that give clear directions instead of the ones too open-ended. If it is too open-ended, then I tend to flail around for a while until I figure out what direction I want to go with it. And from time to time, I have been known to take off in the wrong damn direction. ::chuckles::

Slytherin Traits

written: February 08

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A nice letter, article, and stamp my Mom sent me today.

I know, I’m supposed to saving money. But Kohl’s was having a major sale, so I got another work shirt and another cardigan, shipped to me, for less than what the work shirt originally cost. ::chuckles:: I got those two tops for $28. While the cardigan is black, the top is at least green and white (hurray Slytherin colors), so finally a non-charcoal, non-black, non-dark blue top for me. ::chuckles:: So yeah, I really couldn’t pass that up. I need the work clothes, as I can’t continue to wear the same three tops. Next paycheck, I’ll have to look into getting a few more pairs of work pants. Slowly but surely, I’m growing my “professional” wardrobe.

I finished up the other assignment left to do today for the Resource Management class. Definitely not my best work, but it’s only worth one measly point so I’m not really sweating it. Next assignment is worth 15, so I’ll put more effort into that. Which, shit. Apparently is due Monday. Thank goodness I had zero plans for the weekend AND David is working. Not sure how that slipped past me, as I even have it written down in my planner AND calendars (yes plural there). ::sighs:: Thank goodness I’m doing it over the F. Library and I spend so much time there!

I dunno. Part of me worries that maybe the crazy shrink was right, and I shouldn’t do this much work in one semester. And the other part of me wants to do it and prove her wrong. This same part wants to then send her a letter with my GPA and course load and tell her to go fuck herself for underestimating me. ::chuckles toothily:: Hopefully I can come to a happy medium, where I kick the shit out of this semester, but don’t have to send a snarky letter to her. We’ll just have to wait and see how far that pendulum swings on that one when the time arrives. ::grins and winks:: If nothing else, I can write the letter, and burn it. That way I have the personal satisfaction of writing it without actually sending to the intended party.

All over the damn place

written: February 07

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My rosebush is starting to leaf out. I’m excited to see how many rounds she blooms this year. I plan to dry out a lot of the rose petals and send them out to my various Pagan pals to enjoy this year.

I’m feeling sooooo much better than I was at the beginning of the week. Most of The Crud is gone and I’m not as easily tired out either. That shit sucked so bad.

Today was Emily T.’s last day on campus. Honestly, I’m kind of relieved. I’m glad she’s going to another campus. She was quite the Negative Nancy. No clue when we will get someone to replace her, because…well, that’s how the program operates. ::shakes her head::

I received two postcards today from LetterMo people. I had to take a photo of Mimi’s postcard, because I’m totally entranced by her handwriting. It’s so soothing to look at:



I have two letters and a postcard (through Postcrossing) set and ready to be mailed out tomorrow. I need to get to cracking on responding to some letters I have already. But first, I have to do my 2nd assignment for the Resource Management class.

I just emailed my Practicum supervisor my schedule for the last two weeks of February. I hope she approves it AND the fact that I want to see some of classes they are offering as well. I’ll end up missing two days of work, but as long as I get to go to the classes for a bit both nights, it will be worth it.

Today was so boring at the F. Library, to be honest. I weeded for an hour and then was on Train Duty for the next two hours. With the weather getting cold and windy, not many people came up to the library, so really, I only worked a good 45 minutes of those two hours. The rest was just hanging out, doing a whole lot of nothing. I guess I need to start carrying a small journal on me, so I can at least write during my down time. ::chuckles:: Some of the other librarians carry journals (Courtney even carries a fountain pen), so I think I’ll most likely start doing the same. It will give me an excuse to use one of the many journals I currently have. Doubt that I will carry one of my fountain pens though. I really do need to ink them up again and use them, but I wouldn’t use them at the library because I would be utterly heartbroken if I lost one.

I’ve finally started actually working on my Care And Feeding of My After School Program binder project. I’ve written down some notes and have begun typing them up and taking photos to aid in explaining what I’m talking about. There’s a good chance that Jess will be back for the fall semester, so it would be extra helpful for her, if I’m not there. And if neither of us are there, it may prove to be very beneficial to whomever takes over my campus. I’m also beginning to train Christina on ProCare (the system we use for attendance) and will slowly be turning the reins on that over to her as well.

I did end up buying some of the garnet chips I talked about. ::chuckles:: I ended up buying two ounces because the shipping was going to be the same regardless, so I might as well get two.

My red clover and star anise arrived today. So that’s the first step towards the Banishing Incense. I wasn’t aware that star anise smells like licorice, so chalk that up to something new I learned today.

Solo

written: February 06

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I received this AMAZING postcard from Germany via Postcrossing. And the person who sent it to me even works with the wild wolves in Germany! Too friggin’ cool!

You know you are completely out of it when you realize at 6 pm that you never took your thyroid medication OR anti-depressant. You know, things you do FIRST thing in the morning? ::shakes her head:: Yeah, still suffering from The Crud. But I did make it to the F. Library and had a pretty decent morning. First hour was my “special project” – weeding the picture books. Second hour was down in the Teens room with Courtney. Third hour was the Teens room on my own. While in the Teens room, I got to work on another “special project” – tagging books that are in a series with the number they are in the series. I don’t understand why authors/publishers don’t do this. It makes the reader’s life SO MUCH EASIER. But yeah, so I was putting number tags on various books in there for a while. Then, for the last 15 minutes or so, I just looked at books. I have a few now that I’ve put on my To Read List. I re-found Carrie Ryan’s series, The Forest of Hands and Teeth and now I really want to re-read it. Which, looking on Amazon, apparently Mrs. Ryan has added some more books and short-stories to the series. That’s going on my Wish List and hopefully in the fall I can start reading through them all again.

I need to re-do my schedule for my Practicum hours again. There is just no way I can do 14 hours of Practicum time on top of the after school program AND course work. I was beyond insane when I wrote that. ::laughs:: I really think I thought I could do that. I mean, the anti-depressant I’m on has given me an entirely new lease on life and I actually can keep up with normal people for the most part now. But holy hell, it isn’t speed. ::laughs::

And honestly, my work life and my down time really have to balance out, or I go spiraling down in a blaze of glory. The anti-depressant allows me to DO more, for sure. But I still have to have a balance of sorts, or I will crash and burn. So right now, I’m figuring out what that balance is between Practicum hours, work hours, school work hours, and down time. I’m sure I’ll have to do the same thing again when I get a library job. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this, and it’s nice to know it isn’t “just me”. That I’m not just being a wimp and just need to suck it up and try harder. I do need to push myself at times. But I can’t do that all the time. My mental health just plummets when I push too far and too hard. I’m slowly learning how far is safe to push it, how long it will take for me to “rest and recharge” from pushing it, and how far is too far. All great fun things to figure out in your late 30’s! ::laughs::

The Crud

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BABY BROCCOLI! My lil broccoli plant is finally beginning to make broccoli. I am so excited.

Well, the headache from last night morphed into The Crud today. I dunno if it’s just allergies or if it’s a cold. I just hope it’s not the flu that’s going back around. I guess I should get the flu shot – it’s just that I don’t react well to vaccines, so I really don’t enjoy getting them. ::sighs:: I also have an issue with PAYING to feel like crap for a few days. But I guess it’s better than GETTING the flu. ::grumbles:: I wish my body would just play nice on normal things already. But at least the headache didn’t come back today.

The garnet chips that I love so much have come back into stock on Sage Goddess. They are only $4 for an ounce of them and I would love nothing more than to fill up the jar I have for them. I’m really debating on buying some more. I didn’t care for the free gift today (tumbled South African Sugilite). Maybe tomorrow’s free gift will be more inspiring. ::chuckles::

Postcard Art

written: February 04

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A very cool, hand-made postcard from Leida that I received today. My first, official LetterMo letter that I’ve received in the month of February.

Well, apparently summer has hit Texas. We hit 81 degrees today. Beautiful, but man, it was hot when I took Josey for a walk. At least the students got to stay out extra-long today. That was a serious blessing.

Circe & Pen Pals

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I found the MOST FABULOUS postcards today at Michael’s. And they were only $2 each! They are metallic and just all around awesome. I can’t wait to start mailing these out.

So if my dreams from last night are any indication, I think I’m on the right path again Spiritually. I dreamt all about being a witch and shapeshifting and changing the shapes of animals and controlling animals and all of that – all of which is under the domain of Circe. So I’m taking that as a good sign; that she’s heard the praises and the outreach I’ve been doing towards her, and that she’s receptive to it. Yay! Now to continue doing this and to see if she starts giving direction on what she prefers in the realm of working together.

Which, apparently the first step towards working together is for me to par down my plethora of “witchy stuff”. In the dream, I could barely move around my house (though it wasn’t my actual house) due to ALL THE STUFF I had. So yeah, I was already planning on clearing some stuff out, and I’m guessing Circe is telling me to give a move on that already. ::chuckles:: Hell, I think I’ve done really good not buying any new stuff, especially since Sage Goddess is down at the Tucson Gem and Mineral show, and she does “hey buy something today and get this free item” every day that she is down there.

LetterMo is going strong. I’m going to need to order some more of the stickers I had made up, as I’ve been going through them like crazy. It’s only February 3rd, and apparently I’ve already sent out 20 letters. ::laughs:: It’s easy when I have typed up my intro letter, so all I have to do is sign my name and mail it out. Once I start getting responses, then I’ll get back into the hand-writing aspect of it.

I made the mistake of going through the introductions on the LetterMo website. I’ve now sent out a pack of new friend requests. So I will probably be adding even more people to my letter list. ::laughs:: But I’m hoping to get some international pen pals out of it as well – one in South Africa and one in Wales. The one in Wales has already accepted my friend request, so I have a letter ready to go tomorrow to her.

Incense Plans

written: February 02

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Josey pup in her “Frog Dog” pose. ::laughs:: I also call this her “Seal Puppy” pose or her “Yoga Dog” pose. My silly ass pit bull.

I forgot to mention that yesterday was also World Serpent Day. Typically, I would try to get a good photo of Leviathan, but given that she was in her blue stage to begin the shedding process, I opted not to disturb her. In the blue stage, the snake’s eyes take on a milky blue coloration as the outer layer of the skin begins to separate from the newer layer underneath, and she is essentially blind at that point. Which, understandably, makes her very skittish and nervous. She did end up shedding around midnight last night, so I hope to get some nice photos of her in her fresh new skin soon.

I bought two of the herbs I need for my Banishing Incense that I received in a dream. Paycheck wasn’t much this go around, so I am having to space out buying the supplies. I mean, I could technically buy it all right now, and just toss it on one of my credit cards. But I’m trying really hard to get that under control and pay those off as swiftly as I can. So instead, I’m spacing it out, and buying what I can, when I can. Besides, no need to rush it. I’d rather take my time and gather the supplies with intention.

Witchy Flash of Inspiration: I should create a sigil specifically for this incense. I could set up a special working altar just for this incense. I could charge the items as I get them on top of the sigil. It would build quite a bit of power/energy in the items, as I slowly gather them up. It would probably be a good idea to put that same sigil on the jar(s) that I end up keeping the incense in. Just to keep that energy going.

While I was given this incense in a dream to banish my Psycho Ex, but I think it will be an incense/powder that will be used for just about any sort of banishing. I dunno if this is something I will be sharing with others at a later date or not. Guess I’ll wait and see how it works out for me. Maybe at that point, the Spirits/Deities who gave it to me will let me know.

Other than that, I paid bills. I wrote a few more letters for LetterMo. I’m slowly setting up the pages for February’s BaBuJo (bastardized bullet journal). I need to wrap up January’s pages. Hell, I need to start working in Leida’s journal. I haven’t done a damn thing in it yet. ::chuckles:: Me, forever the procrastinator.

Imbolc

written: February 01

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An awesome Imbolc package I received from Annette. She seriously finds THE COOLEST things ever. I need to step up my witch game here! ::chuckles::

First official day of LetterMo. Though I must admit, I’ve already mailed out a few letters to international buddies, so hopefully those letters will arrive before the month ends.

Payday was today, and it wasn’t an overly great one. But this should be the last one with the Winter Break on it, so hopefully the next one will be much better. Originally, I was planning to pick up another top for the library job, but I’ll have to really price hunt. Gotta keep it cheap this go around.

I didn’t work the F. Library this morning. It was so amazing to sleep in an extra hour and get up when my husband did. It was also amazing to have the time to leisurely take a hot shower and goof around on the internet. ::smiles:: I miss my mornings of ME time. Just a few more months of this crazy schedule, and then I should only have one job to juggle.

I finally wrote my Practicum Goals.
1. Learn how to create and implement community enrichment classes/programs
2. Learn how to best serve our patrons
3. Network with other librarian professionals
There are 3 steps under each one of these goals that breaks down how I plan to achieve these goals. I’ve submitted this and the January log of Practicum hours to my professor. So whoohoo for being done with this week’s assignments. I have one assignment due next Friday for the Resources class. I’ve got 90% of the reading done for it, so I just need to finish that up and do the assignment itself.

The high priestess of the TOK Coven sent out an email today about Imbolc that really resonated with me. It talked about having daily spiritual practice and that Imbolc is a key time to do yearly re-commitments to your path/practice. And it just resonated with me, as on my drive to my lil hometown this past weekend, I just spontaneously started saying a quick little prayer to Circe (a new-to-me deity/half-titaness) each time I saw a hawk. Just a quick little hello and offering up some praise. I figured that was a good way to peak her interest and to start off a new relationship on a good foot. Honestly, I should find a trigger for me doing the same for Sekhmet and the Harpies. And I need to get back into the habit of doing that as well. It’s time for me to start putting in the effort again.

I guess, because it all seemed to come so naturally to me, that I never did have to really put in any effort. And now, I’m being taught to stop taking it for granted. I need to start working at it again. I am pretty sure that’s the message behind the radio silence I have been experiencing here recently.

Invited to Lunch

written:  January 31

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A very cool gift from Sorrow (a pen pal). She included it in today’s letter, saying that she had some fabric laying around and decided to make this for me. She even made sure to put a “feather” on it for me. ::smiles:: It’s a table runner, but I think it will be a good altar cloth.

Library was beyond boring today. I did an hour-and-a-half of weeding and then watched one of the story times that I’ve already seen. ::sighs:: At least it was performed by a different librarian, so there was some change. But seriously, boring, boring, boring. But hey, I’ll take boring as long as it gets me the hours I need for my Practicum.

But one cool thing that happened today – the Children’s Librarian, Courtney, that I spent most of my first day with, invited me out to lunch. Sucks that I had to turn her down because I already have to do a mad dash to get home in time to eat lunch and make it to the after school program on time. And, I was genuinely bummed that I wasn’t able to go to lunch with her. I really like Courtney and enjoy any time I work with her. I want her level of confidence in her job. It’s a quiet, steady, no frills, no flashy look-at-me, level of just confidence. She knows her library. She knows her job. And she’s good at it. I hope to be like that in a few years.