2015 Recap

One of the nice benefits of the Tabula Rasa ritual is that it makes me take account of the year past.  It's kind of nice to see how well the year went, and how the bumps in the road aren't quite a big as they used to appear.

January

Positive: I did the Dino 101 class through Coursera and just loved it.

February

Negative: Sadly, we had to renew our lease for another year at RBC apartments.

Positive: I finally opened up my savings account for the money I'm saving towards my Polar Bear Trip.

March

Positive: I finally did my "Snow Angel Butt Print" for Gloria.

April

Positive: 1st month doing the NaJoWriMo Challenge and I love it.  And I celebrated 9 years self-inflicted injury free.

May

Negative: Almost punched my assistant manager Christina at Starbucks for constantly touching me.

Positive: Watching the two hawklings.  My drum-making class at the Lightworker's Sanctuary -- so awesome.

June

Negative: Heavy police presence in the apartment complex due to a domestic incident involving a deadly weapon.

Positive: Moody Gardens trip with my Mom!  So much fun!

July

Positive: Darrell (head boss at Starbucks) transferred to another store....SIX HOURS AWAY!  David bought a 2014 Honda Civic.

Negative: Homicide on my wooded trails had our apartment complex in lock-down for 4 hours.

August

Negative: My Great Uncle Pete died.

Positive: Getting to attend Carter's 1st birthday!

September

Positive: Ray's Super Secret Surprise (an artisan handmade Elephant Journal of AMAZINGNESS) was a wild success.  David got a BIG raise.  I applied to Grad School.

October

Positive: Awesome behind the scenes tours with my Mom at the Abilene Zoo.  I got accepted to Grad School!  Logan told me they are expecting their second child.  And I fed my students "Crick-ettes" (seasoned crickets) and became the coolest teacher EVER.

November

Negative: The near constant fighting with Starbucks.  I got into a fender bender.

Positive: I finally got a smart phone.  Great birthday.

December

Positive: I quit Starbucks!  I met up with two Deviant Art buddies at the Fort Worth Zoo.  I met Hazel at the Divine Feminine Meet-Up.  Paid for the Spring semester's classes.  And David and I started looking at houses.

Negative: Danny Lugo died.

So all in all, a damn good year.  I'm ready to take on 2016.

Catching Up and Winding Down

So much to write about and the days are just zipping past me.  The year is almost over!  I can hardly believe it.

Ok, so Monday I had the women's group first time meeting.  Honestly, I wasn't even the slightest bit nervous until I was pulling into the parking lot (at the wrong Starbucks it turns out).  But once I actually got there and met Hazel and the other lady (I think her name is Deb), I was immediately at ease.  The hour and half past so swiftly.  And surprisingly, I hit it off beautifully with them both.  And the awesome part I recognized while in the meeting -- I didn't feel the need to dominate the conversation.  I didn't feel the need to brag, or put on airs.  I was genuine, which is unusual for me.  I usually put up a good front to protect myself, and it isn't until a couple of meetings later that I start lowering my guard.  So to say I'm excited about the potential of this lil group is a huge understatement.  We have another meeting next Monday that I'm really looking forward to.

Yesterday I did my Tabula Rasa (Latin for "clean slate") ritual...at least part of it.  I put together my year review -- the high lights and low points of 2015.  And I've done my yearly Tarot reading for 2016 -- rather excited about what I see in the cards for next year.  All that is left is the burning of all the bad shit from last year.  Hopefully I can get that done this week.  I'm ready to shed all of that crap and start fresh.

Today we looked at a house that I had utterly fallen in love with through the photos on the website.  And let me tell you, the photos didn't do that house one bit of justice.  It is just too fucking cute.  Seriously, no other way to describe it. 

But since someone had just put in a bid on the house, we had to move fast.  And it was just too fast for me.  And of course, we looked at the house on David's lunch break, so we had a whopping 20 minutes to discuss how we felt about it.  And Fred (our Realtor) was kind of pushing for a quick answer because the owners were hoping to make a decision asap. 

So yeah, that triggered a border-line panic attack in me.  Trying to make this major decision without having a moment to really discuss it with David and hammer out the financial side of it?  I was panicking.  Luckily, I got to talk to my Mom for about an hour to just get all my fears and everything out in the open.  And my Mom is crazy gifted with money sense (most of it she learned via the school of hard knocks), so she was making a lot of sense.

In the end, Husband and I haggled some things about our bid to bring it back into the realm of feasible for us.  And we submitted our bid.

There will be no bidding war as we offered what we can afford.  The house was pretty close to the limit, so we can't go any higher.  If we don't get it, it's ok.  We've already agreed on that.  But it's nice to know exactly how this all goes down....almost like we did a dry run on this.  So now we know what to expect when we do get to finally pull the trigger.

Within the hour Fred called to say the owners went with the first bid...but that they would like to keep us as a secondary option.  The first bidders have 10 days to decide if they are taking the house or not.  We plan to continue looking at other houses -- hopefully ones that afford us a bit more breathing room financially.  But if, by some miracle, we do end up getting this house?  We would be over the fucking moon. 

And then earlier today my Mom text me to let me know my car is FINALLY done.  That "minor" fender bender ended up being not so minor after all.  ::sighs:: But Saphira (the name of the car) is all fixed and ready to go.  Thank goodness.  While I've loved driving my Mom's car since Thanksgiving...I will certainly be happy to get MY car back.  So now I just have to figure out WHEN I'm going back to my lil hometown to fetch Saphira back home.

Have I mentioned lately that Life likes to pack a lot of shit in all at once?  Granted, I'll have a few weeks of utter quiet, but then a thousand and one things happen within a week.  Insanity!  ::laughs::

A Good-Bye

Now, I’m not claiming to be anywhere on the spectrum of normal behavior when it comes to typical human behavior. Honestly, most of it baffles the shit out of me.

Like, I understand grief is a very personal behavior. I get that. I know that no everyone grieves the same way.

Danny, a high school buddy of mine, died on Dec 9th. And while I understand why people post things to his Facebook wall (it’s a memorial page at this point), I don’t understand whomever has his password, and is posting using his account now.

I’m sure it’s a close friend or a family member. But it un-nerves the shit out of me to see his name pop up in my news feed. I get all excited because it’s Danny....and then I remember....he’s dead. So, for me, it’s like getting that sucker punch to the gut all over again.

While it’s not like whomever is posting using Danny’s account is trying to act like Danny’s the one writing the posts. I would hunt them down and beat their ass for that shit. But they’re posting stuff like “We miss you everyday! The memories we have of you keep us going!”

Like, why the fuck do you have to use HIS profile to post this stuff so it shows up in everyone’s feed? If you feel the need to say this, just use your own damn account and post it to his wall.

To me, it just smacks of attention-seeking behavior. Like, “let me broadcast this to the whole world, so I can prove what a good friend/family member I am.”

So, here I am, shedding tears as I “unfriend” my dead friend.

My strong inner core self wants to say something…to speak up about this and how it makes me feel.
But how to do that and NOT be an asshole? That’s just beyond my reach right now. So instead, I’ll “unfriend” him.

The whole situation just sucks.

Danny, I know we haven’t been all that close since Jeremy and I broke up....but damn man. I miss ya and your crazy antics. I miss dancing with you and hitting on girls with you. I miss my Paco so much.

And because of that, I can’t handle it when your name and face pop up in my newsfeed on Facebook. One of your loved ones has pirated your profile and are using it to air out their grief, and while I certainly don’t hold that against them....I just can’t handle it man. So I’m cutting that last tie…

Yule

I’m just now getting around to celebrating Yule and the Full Moon. But better late than never, is my motto! ::laughs::

I’m still struggling with what the Sabbats mean symbolically to me. Typical pagans celebrate this Holy day as the day the Mother Goddess is pregnant with the Sun God. And, as I’ve stressed each Sabbat, I don’t particularly like this mythos. It doesn’t speak to me.

And typically, I would also say that the god plays no role in my life. But that’s recently changed. With all the storms and horrid/dangerous weather we’ve had for the vast majority of the year, Set (Egyptian god of chaos and storms) has popped up. He and the Harpies get along quite well, and are VERY good at protection against storms. So prayers to him have been added.

But I’m glad I’m celebrating Yule anyways, even if I’m not 100% sure what it MEANS to me exactly.

Zoo Trip

So on Monday (Dec21st), I sucked it up and went to the zoo trip with two “buddies” ish from Deviant Art. Well, I only “know” Orcanaria....I don’t know the friend she brought with her – KosaFox. But I figured, “How bad could it really be?”

Oye.

For one, it’s never a good idea to put three socially awkward people together for an extended period of time.

Secondly, I’m probably a good 10 to 15 years older than them.

Thirdly, I go to the zoo to enjoy photographing the animals. Maybe this ties in with their age, but we spent a good half out in the damn parakeet feeding place. Now, I got some awesome photos of KosaFox with a ton of birds.....but I go to the zoo to enjoy wild/exotic animals....not ones PEOPLE KEEP AS FRIGGIN’ PETS!

Fourthly, if I’m lining up a photo and you spook the animal…thus ruining my shot…because you felt the need to just randomly word vomit on me about shit that doesn’t matter....count yourself lucky you didn’t get a punch to the throat.

Seriously, I was lining up a nice photo of the ocelot, who is almost NEVER awake, and Orcanaria just blabs out “I’ve been hanging out with Furries too much”, and the ocelot scuttles away. It was everything I had in me not to strike her in the throat.

We spent three HOURS there, and never even made it into the reptile house. ::growls::

Now, to be fair, I got some AMAZING photos of the Harpy Eagles, who actually came down off their high perch and were a mere two feet away from me. So that was AMAZING.

But yeah, I’m not really sure I’ll meet up with them again. It was nice that I didn’t have to pay for my ticket into the zoo, but next time I think I’ll resume going alone.

Whee with the Panic

So yeah, I’m meeting up with Orcanaria (her online handle – I’m not using her real name because I’ve just now found that out, and she’s still very much Orcanaria in my mind) and one of her friends at the Zoo tomorrow.

And I was honestly fine with the whole thing until about 3 minutes ago. That’s when the panic truly kicked in.
I’m sure it will be fun and lovely. Shit if nothing else, it’s a free day at the Zoo! I just have to pay for my parking.

And then I heard back from the lady heading up the local Pagan Meet-Up.

She stated that she adored the fact that I spoke my mind and just knows we are going to be good friends. ::chuckles:: Yeah, that whole “speaking my mind” is a double-edged sword.

But she’s since moved the location to a local Starbucks that one of my previous assistant mangers (that I like) works at. So hopefully Jeff will be working that night. He was a blast to work with, once I almost knocked him off his feet for his lil man syndrome. ::laughs::

Right now, I’m completely calm about the Pagan meeting…but I’m sure once it gets closer, I’ll flip out.
But I’m still forging ahead. Onwards.

Cool...Panic

I've noticed this about myself:

I hear of something kind of cool that I'm interested in.

I get all excited and sign up to do said Cool Thing like a week or two in advance.

And yet, by the time it rolls around, I panic and hide.

Oye.

So yeah.  I really need to stick to my guns and grit my way through this.  I'm sure it'll be fun once I'm THERE doing the THING.  But I'm sure there's going to be a lot of panic before I get to that point.

So yeah, Panicky but Cool Thing #1 -- a fellow photographer from Deviant Art has been hitting me up to meet up with her at our local favorite zoo and just do some photography.  No biggie right?  Last time I attempted to do this, I practically had a panic attack just THINKING about it 2 days before I was supposed to meet up with her. 

I'm supposed to possibly meet up with her on the 21st, but that really hinges on how Hubs's talk with the VA about a house loan goes tomorrow.  If we have to go meet the people in person, it is possible that I would have to do that on the 21st.  Though, knowing the VA, it might be JUNE before they can talk to us.  ::rolls her eyes::

And Panicky but Cool Thing #2 -- there's a brand spanking new Pagan group forming in my city that sounds like it would be right up my alley.  So of course, I joined their MeetUp group.  Their first meeting is on the 28th. 

And the main thing that has me on edge is that they are meeting at a park.

In a very sketchy part of town.

At friggin' 6:30 pm. Um, yeah....it gets dark here at around 5:30. 

When I walk Ole Lady Dog at 8 pm, it is full blown night time.  And I walk with a flashlight.  And a knife. 

Soooo, I'm not so sure about this meet up at THAT time in THAT park.  I mean, I get it.  Pagans love nature and want to be surrounded by nature.  But seriously, we couldn't do this Get To Know You Meeting at a friggin' IHOP?  Which, actually, I think I may bring the safety & darkness concern up.  Hell, how do I know they aren't going to try to mug me themselves?  Other than it would be one of the stupidest things they ever did....

Most Awesome Friends

I truly have some of the most awesome friends.

A while back I had mentioned I wanted to read Rumi’s poetry and John suggested the Illuminated  Rumi book. I added to my wish list on Amazon and then promptly forgot it (like I typically do).

Then today, I got a notice that I had a package at the apartment office. I picked up an Amazon box. I had just ordered some adult coloring books, and I thought to myself, “Damn, they weren’t dicking around the shipping this time around!”

I opened it up and saw the book was gift wrapped and I puzzled to myself “I don’t THINK I opted for the gift wrapping…“

Then I saw the card from John.

Totally made my day. As soon as I finish reading Tagging the Moon by S.P. Somtow, I am reading this book.

Leviathan and Santa

Yesterday I did get photos done of Leviathan and Santa! Woot!

Leviathan was being a bit of a stinker…refusing to sit still for more than a nanosecond. ::laughs:: With the colder weather (not counting this week), I haven’t been handling her as much, so she as all about exploring and checking EVERYTHING out.

And poor Santa. Having to wear all that hot stuff when the temps were in the mid-70s! He was a real trooper!

So this is now the 5th year Leviathan has gotten her photo done with Santa. :)

Avoiding

Avoidance is the name of the game.

And that game is called "what Manitou Wolf does when the going gets tough". 

Yeah, if avoiding shit was an Olympic sport, I'd hit the gold EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

So seeing as how I'm planning on turning over a new leaf -aka- going back to grad school to get OUT of child care -end aka- I figure, why not change this as well?

So yeah, what is it that I'm avoiding right now?  Or, let's even back it up a moment and talk about what I've been avoiding for almost a month now?

Ok, so Avoidance #1 -- I saw my grandmother over Thanksgiving.  And she gave me the absolutely sweetest compliment I think I have ever received.  She just gazed and me and whispered "You are just GORGEOUS" and continued to stare raptly at me.

So why am I avoiding that?  Because she had absolutely no idea who I was.  This is the woman who instilled her love of mythology in me (I've come into possession of some of her research papers on various mythologies that I plan to read at a later date), who instilled a love of science, who nurtured my adoration of wildlife, who taught me how to do so much.......and she doesn't even remember my face. 

My mom had been telling me how bad she was getting, so it's not like it was brand new to me.  But it's one thing to hear it....but a completely different thing to experience it. 

And it plays directly into my biggest fear in life....losing my mind and ending up committed.

And Avoidance #2 -- the untimely death of one of my absolute best friends back in high school.  Today would have been his 34th birthday if he hadn't of passed away on Wednesday.  That type of shit hits you hard in the gut....it's one hell of a sucker punch.  The funeral is Monday, but I won't be going.

I can justify it by saying that this is the last week before the students let out for Winter Break, so shit is crazier than normal (and it's normally pretty damn crazy).  I can say that I won't do that to my staff when I can't even guarantee they'll get a sub for me that day because it's such short notice.  I can even say it's because I'm having to get all my aides' mid-year evaluations done by the 18th, and I've got an evaluation Monday through Thursday already lined up.  I have a thousand and one, honest-to-god justifications as to why I cannot make it to Danny's funeral.  But that's avoiding the meat of the situation.

I do not want to face his death just yet.  And I certainly have no real desire to face his death while surrounded by our classmates....most of whom I have had zero contact with once I graduated high school and fled to Dallas for college.

So instead, the next time I'm down in my lil hometown, I'll make a trip to the cemetery to pay my respects.  Now that I think of it, I don't believe I've ever been to my hometown's cemetery. All the funerals I've been to have been out at the tiny country "town" my grandparents lived in.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful:

1. that the cold and rainy snap we had seems to be over for a little bit.  It's so nice to be back in the sunshine once more.
2. Tuesday was my last official day as a Starbucks employee.  WOOHOO!
3. got my hotel squared away for the two in-person classes I have to take in Houston in January.  Pricy as hell, but I got the room AT the hotel that the classes will be at so I don't have to mess with Houston morning traffic.
4. great Turkey Day with my family.  I do wish more of the extended family could have come, but it was a nice day over all.
5. that I finally took the plunge and got a smart phone -- LG Escape 2.  I am LOVING it.
6. just two more weeks left until Winter Break.
7. currently completely caught up on my calendar journal.  Woohoo!  AND I have next year's grids all drawn out already.
8. the internet and all the things it allows me to do from the comfort of my own home.  Shopping and research, communication and learning.  So awesome for an introvert like myself.
9. raw photography talent.  I won't say I honestly have SKILL other than what I've intuitively taught myself, but some of my photos...I sit back and just say WOW to myself.  ::laughs::  Just imagine what I can do once I take some photography classes!
10. cleaning out some more clutter.  I almost wish we were moving right NOW so I would HAVE to get completely serious about cutting the clutter down.  But for now, I'm piece-mealing it and slowly getting it done.

Thanksgiving

Turkey Day was a good one with my family. David opted to stay at home seeing as how he only got that day off and he was going to have to work Friday AND today. He seriously needs his down time or he becomes one hell of a grouch (and yes, I can say that because I’m the exact same way). ::grins and winks::

It was actually a somewhat bittersweet Turkey Day that I’m not ready to really talk too much about. I’m sure I’ll blabber all about it later once I’ve had a chance to really mull it over. But for now, photos:

Four Generations here for Turkey Day Photo:

Most adorable Lil Nephew on Friday (it got REALLY cold here quickly):

Lil Nephew (most likely telling my Mom about the birds – he ADORES birds):

Sincere Heart

With all the fancy altar tools out there.  And all the beautiful altars I see other pagans creating, I've fallen into a thought process that says unless I've made an altar, I can't "properly" celebrate a holy day.

What fucking rubbish!  When the hell did this thought become so entrenched?  Well, it is the fuck out here, lemme tell you.

Tonight is the Full Hunter's Moon.  And life has been one hell of a whirlwind of activity, especially for a recluse such as myself.  So I haven't had the time/energy/desire to make an altar for this full moon, and I was moping around a bit, trying to figure out when I could get that accomplished BEFORE the full moon was gone -- I technically have until the 28th until the full moon is over.

But as I was walking Holly, I just couldn't help but be utterly mesmerized by the singular beauty that is a full moon on a very slightly overcast evening.

So, as Holly sniffed around as dogs are wont to do, I simply prayed sincerely, from my heart, what it is I am hunting for.

I am hunting for a new home.  One that I can feel safe in.  One that is better suited for my aging canine companion.  One that is better suited to my husband.  One that fits us financially and gives us our safe place to retreat from the world at the end of each day.

So in the end, I don't need all the fancy trappings.  I just need a sincere heart.  The tools are fun and can aid in getting one into the correct mind space.  But ultimately, if the Witch isn't doing the Work....it isn't going to work!

I Tapped Dat Ass

::dies laughing:: I admit – I have a very warped sense of humor.

So yeah, Sunday, as I was driving home to visit my mom and to do my yearly girlie-doctor visit on Monday....I was involved in a minor fender bender.

And if you couldn’t guess from the title, yeah, I hit the person in front me.

Thankfully, it was minor. Oh, how minor do you ask?

Here are the photos of the damage to my car (the car that got the MOST damage):

Where the bumper meets the rest of the car on the passenger side:

Small bit of paint removed:

Imprint of that bitch’s ass on my bumper!

My victim’s car has a blue mark about a foot long on her bumper, and her bumper has done the same thing my front bumper has done in the first photo…just not as sever as mine.

No injures. My left shoulder is tender at the joint from the seatbelt, but that’s it.

And the body repair guy in my lil home town has quoted me $250 to fix the three issues from the collision, plus fixing two other paint damages I’ve had for a while.

11 Years

A letter I just sent to my journaling group, in honor of my 11th anniversary of joining.

Eleven years ago, I stumbled across this group, and I've never looked back once.

I've made some and lost some amazing friends here in that time.

But I wouldn't change a thing.

I came here in one of the darkest periods of my life and it was a very, very rocky road for years. 

But my core group here always stood by me.  Always held aloft a torch to light the way.  And always encouraged me to continue on.

Y'all road the roller coaster of my ups and downs, with psycho-significant others, and some seriously toxic individuals.

Y'all cheered me on when I graduated college with my bachelors. 

Y'all cheered me on when I did my Vision Quest.

Y'all cheered me on when I took off on various road trips and finally got to experience wolves up close an personal.

Y'all held my hand when I was raped and then found out he'd given me one of the most aggressive cancer-causing strains of HPV.

And y'all were there when I met, fell in love, and married my twin spirit.  Heck, most of ya watched it when it was streaming online!  *smiles*

I guess, what I'm saying, is that, even though I haven't met most of you in person (yet!), I am so deeply grateful for all the love and support you have shown me.

Besides, what other group would have dared me to make a butt-print in the snow?!  *laughs*  Love you, Gloria, and miss you so terribly much.

I only hope that I can repay the kindness you have each shown me over the years.  You guys truly are one of the most amazing groups of people I know.  And I am so deeply humbled to have you all in my life.

Blessings, and so much love to you all,

~*~Walks~*~

A Step Closer to Freedom

And the pin has finally been pulled.

I wrote up and dropped off my letter of resignation last night to Starbucks.

I'm sure it will get lost and Shands will claim to have never received it.  And blah, blah, blah.  After Dec 1st, it's no longer my problem.  Just five more working days (had to request quite a few off as November is stuffed to the gills with obligations), and then I'm done.  I truly cannot wait.

Broke the 5k mark on the family tree.  I'm currently talking with various distant family members in New Zealand, Sweden, and Ohio.

And blah.  I've lost the motivation to write.

Pulling the Pin

I swear, I have Battered Woman Syndrome with Starbucks right now.

I knew that most likely we would go to Starbucks tonight.  I needed to pick up my tips for the week and check on next week's schedule.  So it would have been the perfect time to drop off my letter of resignation, stating Dec 1st as my last day.

And yet, all day, I debated if it really was THAT bad.  Or if I should stick it out until Dec 16th.

And it turns out, Shands fucked up the schedule for next week the EXACT SAME WAY HE FUCKED UP THIS WEEK'S SCHEDULE.

Sure, this week's schedule was a fuck up.  And we had this huge text battle for two days about it.  And then finally talked about it in person.  I was planning to tell him that day that Dec 1st would be my last day there.  But he was so damn apologetic and submissive and all around pathetic about it, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I felt like it would be on the same level as kicking a puppy in the face.

And you know what?  I should have football punted that bitch right then and there.

There is no way this is another "honest" mistake on his part.  We fought for TWO DAMN DAYS about it and I text him the SPECIFIC DATES I needed off.  And I stressed to him that in November, I have zero wiggle room for anything.

And he screws next week's schedule up the EXACT same way.  That is NOT an honest mistake.  That is a goddamn choice.

So thank you Shands, for reaffirming that I need to drop this job like a nasty habit.  I need to wash my hands of it right the fuck now.  There is NO way I can tolerate another month of this constant bullshit. 

Thank you Shands, for giving me the motivation to write my resignation letter and to turn it in tomorrow.

I am so incredibly done.

This is not the month to mess with me.  On the 23rd I go for my yearly gynecological visit.  And while that is stressful enough in and of itself...it's also when I face my yearly fear of cancer and am reminded of my own sexual assault.  So yeah, to say I'm on edge, is an understatement.

I was date raped.  The guy got away with it scot-free because I waited so long to say something to the police.

Turns out, fucker not only raped me, but he gave me HPV.  And of the hundreds of strains of HPV out there....I got one of the more aggressive cancer-causing strains. 

In 2010, I had a LEEP procedure (that did NOT go according to plan) to cut out a pre-cancerous lesion off my cervix.  And every year since then, I have to go back and get rescreened.  And the week after the gyno exam, I am a basketcase of nerves....hoping and praying that I do NOT get a phone call from the gyno.

See, if everything is ok, I'll get a letter from them about two weeks after the exam.  If everything is NOT ok, I get a phone call around 3 days after the exam. 

And it doesn't matter that since 2010, I've had nothing but normal PAP results.  I always live in fear that I'll get that phone call, and I'll have to go through that nightmare all over again.

So yeah, Starbucks is pretty low man on the totem pole here.  I don't have any more energy at this time to even give a shit.  Just gotta put the pin on this and walk away from the explosion.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful:

1. Friday is another double pay day, and they are BOTH really nice paychecks.
2. great birthday week thus far.  I truly feel so loved.
3. FINALLY, after years of watching and hoping and waiting and WISHING, I got one of the seal-skin pouches (like a coin pouch, but a bit bigger) by TundraBerry.  It all synced up in the wee hours this morning -- a pouch I liked, plus she was doing 25% off.  Yep, it's mine!  Can't wait for it to arrive.
4. I was able to hit the $4,000 in my savings account before my birthday (a big goal of mine for last year).  And that's with the crazy expensive car repair. 
5. still tweaking my 34 Goals for my 34th year, but they are shaping up fairly nicely.
6. all the genealogy I'm doing on MyHeritage.com -- I've connected with distant family in Ohio, New Zealand, and now Sweden. 
7. that I need to turn in my letter of resignation to Starbucks by the end of the week -- because my last day there will be Dec 1st, and I don't want to screw over my coworkers too terribly when I do leave.  It's getting so close, I can TASTE the sweet freedom.
8. awesome trip to the Fort Worth Zoo on my birthday.  I got a TON of amazing shots.  Now I'm working on slowly adding them to my Deviant Art account.
9. that in two month's time, I will be an official graduate student -- classes begin Jan 19th.  I'm excited and scared all in the same moment.
10. that Husband is finally taking advantage of his later shift at work, and getting up in the mornings to work out.  He's been a bit unhappy with the way he looks physically, especially since his 40th birthday -- and he feels so much better when he's more in shape.  I plan to join him in working out once Starbucks is in the rearview (that job is incredibly brutal on my body).

Birthday!

Let's play catch up, shall we?

Last I wrote, I was all geared up for a nice fight with the boss man -- that I had finally figured out WHY I was dreading it.  And why that was stupid.  So Monday, I was geared up and roaring to go.  And he was so apologetic and sorry and submissive, it just stole the snarls right out of my mouth!  I mean, I couldn't even tell him that December 1st will be my last day working there because it felt like I would be kicking a puppy.  In its FACE.  What the hell, man?!?!  ::sighs::  So I guess I'll just write a nice letter of resignation and leave that for him. 

Tuesday I had completely off of BOTH jobs because it was my birthday.  I turned the big 34.  Gods, how the hell did I get so old?  ::laughs::  Due to me staying up wayyyyy past my bedtime on Monday night, I wasn't planning on going to the zoo.  But my Mom called at 9 am to sing me happy birthday, and I figured since I was awake, I might as well go.  BEST DECISION EVER!

The zoo wasn't crowded.  The weather was GORGEOUS.  And just a great visit all around, even if my camera died before I was done.  I forgot to charge it the night before.  But I got STUNNING photos and really enjoyed myself.  I made it a point to go see the parts of the zoo I typically skip over (namely the hoof-stock, rhinos, hippos, and giraffes).  I had forgotten that our zoo has twin jaguar cubs, so that was a very cool surprise when I made it over to their side. 

And remember the Ghost Acorn I was talking about a while back?  Turns out the zoo has an even BIGGER acorn.  I got one of those on my way out of the zoo.  I plan to plant that one as well.  I'll need to get photos of it before then though. 

After that, I snagged a late lunch from Taco Bell and then took a DELICIOUS nap.  David got home around 9 pm and we did dinner at Red Lobster.  Then it was home to watch some Criminal Minds and then to bed.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, David decorated for my birthday.  So after my Mom had sung me happy birthday and I figured I should get up out of bed, I decided I need a home made Chai Tea Latte.  I came out of my room to see the huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's happy birthday banner up, with two birthday balloons, and a card waiting for me.  Totally made my morning. 

I need to finish the final tweaks on my 34 Goals for my 34th Year.  Maybe tomorrow?  ::grins and winks::

Power Dynamics

I have figured out why I’m so nervous (and totally avoiding) having the conversation with my boss that he wants to have. It’s about me being scheduled to work on a day I requested off MONTHS ago.

It’s because I was in the mindset that he, being the boss, has all the power. And me, being a lowly employee, have no power.

No wonder the Harpies have been chirping in my ear nonstop.

My MINDSET here is giving the boss all the power. He doesn’t actually have it. Any power that he does have? I am GIVING it to him.

And I’m done doing that.
I’m taking my power back.

This is my lil piddy Starbuck’s job. The one that over the course of last YEAR, I only made $6,000. Fuck that shit.

This job holds nothing but negativity for me.

So what’s the worst that can happen?

He’ll fire me? Oh pish. I’ll quit before then.
He’ll black list me in Starbucks so I can’t be hired back? Bitch, I won’t be back.
He’ll scream at me or advance to me in a manner that makes me fear for my physical safety? ::grins toothily and unsheathes her claws:: Please do. And see what happens.

Granted, this is Shands we are talking about and not Douche Bag Darrell (previous boss that did make me question my physical safety about a year ago), so I’m not too terribly concerned about him attacking me.

Honestly? I just want this shit over and done with. I’m ready to say my piece and let us move on to the next step – me telling him that Dec 1st (not the 16th) is my last day there.

Let’s do this!

Thinx

Alright, finally getting around to writing up the promised journal entry on the Thinx Period Panties.

Disclaimer Here: Understand that this journal entry will be all about menstruation, blood, and vaginas. If you are that big of a pussy that you cannot handle frank, honest discussion about said topics, then kindly fuck off already.

In a nutshell, I am SOLD on these.

I stumbled across a blog review about them on one of FaceBook’s ads and I kicked around the idea for a while before I finally took the plunge.

The main reason I took so long to purchase my first pair is because they are pricy. Or at least in my opinion, $34 for a single pair is pricy.

But seriously? So friggin worth it.

So basically, it’s a panty designed to absorb a tampon or so of menstrual blood. Now, as I’ve stated elsewhere, I do not use tampons. Haven’t since the mid-90s, so I had no clue how much a “tampon-and-a-half” was in regards to my flow. Turns out, on my super heavy day, the panty didn’t quite last 5 hours (that I was at work).

And the sizing is a tad small. In Victoria’s Secret panties, I wear a large. But with the Thinx, the large was a bit snug. So this second pair I’ve ordered, I went with an XL to see if that’s what I need.

I got the hiphugger in black. Because I HATE nude.

But they fit nicely. And for a non-flood day, they are perfect for my shift at work.

I don’t know about anyone else, but for me, when I use pads, my labia just ACHE by the 3rd day. I have a long menstrual flow – typically 5 days at least, but up to 8 days isn’t uncommon for me either.

But these panties? HEAVEN.

They are a bit bulkier than normal panties. But nowhere near as bulky as a pad.

I thought I might get a bit grossed out when it came time to rinse the panties (you rinse them before you wash them in COLD water – and NO DYER), but honestly? Not that bad.

Like I mentioned above, no dryer for this babies. They are sensitive. But seriously? It only takes a day to air dry and they are good to go again.

So bottom line? I plan to purchase quite a few of these bad boys to use. I will still have to use pads on my super heavy day (2 days of the bleed), but after that? I can use these and not have a sore, aching, TIRED pussy at the end! I’m in LOVE!

So bottom of the bottom line:
I’m poor. I don’t currently make a ton of money (we’re talking less than $25k a year), but I am still MORE than happy to drop $34 a pair on these panties. That’s one hell of an endorsement, in my honest opinion.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful.....

1. wonderful rainy/misty day and a wonderful long walk through the wooded trails with Holly.  No hobos.  No thugs.  No people.  Just me, Holly, the blue jays, squirrels, and wrens in the woods.  Talk about bliss.
2. feeling all domestic today.  I got the bedsheets changed (amazing how that changes the whole atmosphere of my room), did a few loads of laundry, cleaned all the plastic-ware (has to be hand washed), and am planning to take out the trash before I head to work.
3. wonderful, peaceful morning.  No Starbucks shift to screw it up all.  I was able to wake up when my body wanted to be awake, and then go about my morning as my heart dictated. 
4. standing my ground without trying to be a huge asshole with Starbucks.  Gods know they've more than earned me being a completely unreasonable bitch....but I was raised better than that.
5. the most amazing crab rangoon from Dragon Express last night -- and that it was David that suggested Chinese food (he's not always a fan).  But seriously, these things were to die for!  ::smiles::
6. tried out my pair of Thinx Panties (period panties).  I plan to write up a whole entry on those, but long story short -- I'm totally sold on these.  So much better than pads (and I HATE tampons).  I've already purchased another pair.
7. Jessica (one of my aids at the after school program) really stepping up and taking some serious charge.  She's planned some arts and crafts projects for the students, is planning a Winter Party, AND is single handedly reorganizing our closet/office/supply room.  I will certainly have to do something nice for her to show my gratitude.
8. feeling a bit better about my impending birthday.  It will be low-key, but that's fine.  Next year's birthday will find me and my husband up at Wolf Park.  I told him that last night.  ::laughs::
9. the downstairs neighbors are worlds better.  I haven't had to complain about them in a while now, and it's been a few months since I've had to call the cops.  It's great!
10. awesome coloring sheets Ridley (one of my students) let me copy a few weeks back.  I am having a blast coloring them.  So soothing.

Same Shit, Different Day

Another rough day at Starbucks.  Seriously, why the fuck do I even stay?

And it's not even like it's a brand new hell.  It's the same shit, different day.

Oh we ran out of half-n-half cream by 10 am.

Oh our second brewing urn has been broken for SEVEN months now.  Still haven't replaced it.

We had a BRAND-SPANKING new shift manager today that, I swear to god, looked like she was friggin' 12 years old.

And Shands (the boss) just now posted the schedule for NEXT FRIGGIN' WEEK.  Hmmm, thought Starbucks Corporate stated that we are supposed to have the current week up, PLUS the next TWO weeks?  Yeah.  Like THAT ever happens.

And guess what?  He fucked up the schedule again.

So, we have this blank weekly calendar that we are supposed to write in our time off requests that he is supposed to fill in the dates on for us.

He started November on a Monday (when it actually started on a Sunday), so the dates didn't match the days correctly.

So I wrote down the DATES I needed off.  One of those being this Sunday, because Monday I have a dentist appointment in my lil hometown.  (Because I'm a total creature of habit and comfort, and I've known this dentist for most of my life now and I don't want a new dentist damnit.)

I text him this morning, inquiring as to why I was working that day when I had asked for it off.  And he sent me a text back saying I didn't request that day off, and then sent me a photo of the time off request sheet......that HE had just changed the dates on to match the days....thus, making it appear that I did NOT ask for Sunday off.  ::growls::

I pointed out that I asked for specific DATES and it was all going fine, until he "Okay, we'll see what can be done for this week.  Would you be willing to switch with another partner for others days on this upcoming schedule?"

Most of the other partners work full time schedules.  I have a very limited time I'm available to work due to me running my after school program.  So I said that unfortunately, I couldn't do that, as November honestly has NO wiggle room.  Which is why I asked for my time off MONTHS ago.

And he retorted with "Okay, I'm sorry for the confusion, but I do expect you to work the days I have you scheduled for next week or find coverage."

Oh he was all willing to help before I said I can't take someone else's shift.  And now it's all my problem?  I was so pissed. 

I haven't responded yet.  But tomorrow I intent to text back basically saying "So wait.  Let me get this straight.  I put in the time off request for the DATES I needed off, MONTHS ago, like I am supposed to.  But because you messed up the time off forms and then changed them without double checking with people on the days they actually asked of for, it's somehow become my responsibility to fix your fuck up?"

And I feel like such a fucking moron.  I kept saying, "Oh, now that Darrell (previous boss) is gone, all this ass-fuckery is in the past.  It will be better."  And look at me now....it's the same damn shit.  Now granted, I don't foresee Shands acting like he's going to strike me (as Darrell did twice.....acted like he was going to...never did....I would have ended his life if he did), but this is the exact same shit Darrell did about the scheduling. 

And I've put up with this shit for TWO DAMN YEARS!  I just keep jumping from one abusive relationship to another it seems.  ::shakes her head::  At least the abusive jobs in child care paid worlds better!

So yeah, depending on Shands' response to me tomorrow (and I promise, it will be a polite version of my above text suggestion), I may or may not be working there ever again. 

And to make things even better?  I told all of this to David and he's like, "Fuck 'em."  And he likes the discount I get for being a partner and all that.  But seriously?   This is two years of the same bull shit.  It's just not worth it any more.

Trial By Fire

I am spiritually wrung out.
Full Moon. Then Samhain. THEN my Moontime. To say I am exhausted, mentally, spiritually, and physically is one hell of an understatement.

But I love this life, and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. ::chuckles:: I am a child of Chaos. And every time I forget that, Life knocks me sideways.

So I clawed and bit and fought tooth and nail to get both of my grad school classes as on-line classes. All because I didn’t want to actually got sit in class every Tuesday evening for three hours (missing out on at least 2 hours of pay at my job).

And Chaos smiles that toothy grin and says, “OK” rather gleefully.

So each of the online classes meets in person for two days out of the semester. No biggie right?

But remember, Chaos has a hand in this.

Info 5200 meets Jan 21st and 22nd, 8 am to 5 pm both days, in Houston.
Info 5000 meets Jan 23rd and 24th, 8 am to 5 pm both days, in DENTON.

Yeah, so I’m going to be driving the 4 hrs down to Houston Wednesday night (20th), and then doing 16 hours of grad level class, to then get out of class at 5 pm and haul ass 4 hours BACK up to the DFW area so I can then do ANOTHER 16 hours of grad level class.

This is either going to be the most brilliant thing I have ever done.......or the STUPIDEST.

Can we say, “Trial by Fire?”

So yeah, it’s looking like 2016 is going to start with one hell of a bang.

Samhain on Pause

written: Oct 31st

I have not celebrated Samhain yet.  I just have so much on my mind and plate at the moment, I barely feel like I can breathe at the moment.  I am a bit deflated and upset with a very nasty and grossly unprofessional encounter I had early this afternoon with the local Post Office manager.  And then spending a solid 20 minutes on the phone with either the absolute dumbest personal ever, or the most high, when lodging my official complain with the Postal Office headquarters really soured my overall mood for the day.

And then tomorrow I am working at Starbucks, and THEN I am babysitting for the Robinsons from 1 pm until 8 pm.  It is really going to make for a long day overall.  But at least it's the calmer shift at Starbucks (love those Sunday morning shifts to be honest), and the two Robinson kids are awesome.  So hopefully it won't be too crazy.

I am hoping to do my Samhain celebration on Monday.  It still falls close enough to the original date to still be viable.  I would rather wait a few days and properly celebrate it and honor my Ancestors, then to half-ass it on that date.

Once I get past Samhain, my birthday is looming on the horizon.  It's an interesting tug-of-war between excitement and apprehension.  I'm swinging between being excited for everything that grad school is symbolizing for me...and being utterly disappointed with how little I've "accomplished" for being 33 years old. 

I dunno why, but this year, I just feel like I should have done more, should have been more.  And I'm not even sure what this "more" is that I'm supposed to have or done...only that I haven't done enough.  And this is purely my internal feelings.  No one in my realm of friends or family has said and done one thing to make me feel like this.  Just me.  Just being really introspective currently.

Maybe that's another reason I'm procrastinating on celebrating Samhain.  I'm not sure how I will measure up in my Ancestors' eyes.  Especially since I've completely exploded on the genealogy front and have a TON of names and locations now for my Ancestors.

Oh well.  It will be what it will be.  There's no way to please all the world.  I have to do what is right for me and my immediate family.  Everything else can fall to the wayside.

Ghost Acorn

written: Oct 30th

I had kept the four acorns that I took a photo of, when I was talking about the Monster Acorn (later named Godzilla Acorns) back on October 15th. I knew that eventually I would return them to the wilds and today happened to be that day. It just felt right.

I took Holly on a walk, walking on the opposite side from our typical route, just to change things up a bit, and I came across this awesome acorn just hanging out in the middle of the sidewalk. All perfect, with a rather strange white color to it, with its cap still perfectly on. I knew it was a gift to me. So I picked up and carried with me on my walk, as I released the other four acorns back into the wooded area. And I wondered why I would have this Ghost Acorn pick me and what was I expected to DO with it?

I kept rolling it between my fingers, marveling at its smooth beauty and quietly asking it what was I supposed to do with it.

And the quiet voice inside simply stated, “Plant me. Nurture me.”

And immediately I thought to myself, “I live in a an apartment. What the hell am I going to do with a damn OAK TREE?”

The quite voice simply stated again, “Plant me. Nurture me.”

And I figure, why the hell not? It’s not like I’m going to be living in a an apartment all my life. And it would be kind of cool to nurture this lil Ghost Acorn into an awesome oak tree and be able to plant that in the yard whenever we DO get a house.

And given that this is a very pretty acorn, I wouldn’t mind having it around. And if I ever get around to teaching myself how to leech out the toxins in acorns so that I can use it to make acorn flour....this would be a GREAT tree to harvest from. Large and plentiful acorns that have a white coloration to them, which makes them very easy to spot in the dead grass and leaves.

I will need to look into how to properly sprout an acorn, as I want to give this lil guy the best fighting chance possible.

I found this How To Plant an Acorn on the Seeds for the Future Website. I will park the link here so I can come back to it later. I don’t think it a good idea to plant something NEW so close to Samhain – a Sabbat mostly focused on the harvest and the dead. Maybe I will plant the Ghost Acorn on my birthday (November 10th). Sounds like a good idea to me.

Thankful Thursday

written: Oct 29th

I am thankful:

1.  absolutely breath-takingly gorgeous not-quite Full Moon I saw rising this evening.  Just beautiful.

2. I just might be able to have both of my grad courses as web-based.  That would certainly make my life a bit easier.

3.  second jack-o-lantern turned out awesome.  And I cannot wait to eat the pumpkin seeds.

4.  tomorrow is a double pay day for me -- one of the rare times that both jobs align and both paychecks hit my bank account on the same day.

5.  the awesome "Spooky Town" David set up in the living room, next to the tv.  I love that he so enjoys decorating for the various holidays.  I do need to get photos of his "Spooky Town" set up.

6.  that this week was MUCH calmer than last week.  Thank all that is holy for that miracle.

7. finally starting to deep clean my art territory.  I need some good clear space to work on for next month's personal challenge of doing at least one art journal page a day.

8.  having all these awesome photos of me from my childhood and slowly sharing them on Facebook.  ::chuckles::

9.  uncovered a letter from a distant family member to my maternal Grandmother that gave me a TON of information on her side of the family.  It's completely blown the top off in my genealogy project.  I am finally finding all that information I was wanting on that part of the family.

10.  awesome detailed coloring sheets Ridley (a student) shared with us and graciously let me make copies of.  Can't wait to start coloring those. 

So yeah, like I briefly touched on in Thankful #9, I came across a letter from a distant cousin (I think) of my grandmother, that had be doing her own genealogy research on the Scottish side of the family.  It had dates and locations and so many names that I was able to plug into my own family tree.  And that part of the tree grew from just 9 individuals to well over 90 now.  And I'm still finding a ton more.  Talk about making a lil genealogy nerd giddy!  ::laughs::  I am toying with the idea of writing to this lady and, after explaining who I am, thanking her for the information she shared and offer up all the information I currently have on the family, if she's interested.  If I'm going to do that, I need to do it sooner rather than later.  I'm sure grad school is going to kick the crap out of me.  ::laughs::