Clean Down to the Bone

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Happy Halloween!
Blessed Samhain!

Hippy flower crown borrowed from a student.

Normally, I would have a photo of a ritual or at least a jack-o-lantern for this day. But, seriously, NOTHING has gone according to plan this entire year, so why would Halloween prove to be any different?

But I’m seriously ok with that. No really. I am. I am ok with the chaos that has been shaking up my life this year. Shark is the totem for me for 2019…and I hadn’t thought about the fact that Shark is a devourer. And she certainly has eaten me alive this year. BUT, it clears out everything dead and decaying. Just like the hundreds of vultures that come through my area each morning.

I think all of this has been to purify my life. To strip away all the things that no longer serve my highest good in life. When you are picked clean down to the bones…the Necessities of life become so much more apparent. And the rest is just fluff and noise.

But it’s finally quiet. It’s finally silent. I’ve been pared all the way to the bone. And there I have found my strength.

My strength lies in my family, both the living and the ancestors, both those of blood and those of choice.

My strength lies in my Spirituality. And for now, part of that is entwined with the Coven. I’ve been on sabbatical this entire month, and it’s exactly what I needed. I just couldn’t be a part of the group while I was shedding all this old skin, old self, old way. I was crabby and uncomfortable and blind. But I’ve come out on the other side, sleek and new once more.

My strength lies in ME. I am my own greatest enemy and my own greatest strength. And for now, all that Scorpio venom and intelligence is being turned outwards. I’m done playing nice. I’m done worrying about ruffling feathers. I’m speaking the truth now, loud and clear. Beware, for my bite is worst that my bark…and my bark can be quite terrifying.

Pentacle

written: October 30

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My custom pentacle from Elemental Enchantments arrived on Monday! I LOVE IT! I’ve been on the wait list for about 2 years now for one of her pentacles and I couldn’t be happier with it.

She used moonstone beads and a larvikite stone for the centerpiece (my request). After that I just wanted dark blue and silver to be the overall colors. She ended up using dumortierite (the dark blue stones). The tiny beads around the larvikite centerpiece are blue and clear glass. The rest is silver tone metal beads, silver tone copper wire, and dark blue organza ribbon.

Seriously, WELL worth the wait and the price. I got a small pentacle, and with shipping it was $60. But she also does an AMAZING job packing the item to ensure it doesn’t get damaged in transit. Hands down, you can FEEL the love and care she puts into each item from start to finish.

Now the hard part is figuring out where I’m going to hang it. I may end up hanging it by my bed. Or inside my Gamme, when I get it built. Or maybe I’ll just commission another pentacle for that. ::chuckles::

Cold and rainy and WET was the theme for today’s weather. It’s actually going to drop below freezing tonight. Fingers crossed that my roses survive it. She still has a ton of blossoms that haven’t fully opened yet. I should probably just harvest them and start working on making rose beads. Hopefully the weather this weekend will be nice and I can spend the day doing that.

I should probably harvest the last of the basil as well, to ensure I have enough for the spell bottles I plan to have the Coven create when I do my own full moon ritual for them in January. Plus, I need to begin gathering up the supplies that ritual will require. I am a huge fan of spreading that out over the next few paychecks, just to keep the financial impact low. Really, it’s just the little bottles that will be the most expensive part. Everything else should be super cheap. And even then, the bottles won’t be crazy expensive, so I’m not too terribly worried.

Emily (sub) text me today to say that the Da. Library had reached out to her earlier as one of my references. ::squee:: Hopefully this means they are seriously considering me for one of their open positions. Please, please, please let them offer me a job! That would be so damn amazing right now.

Squirrel Watching

written: October 29

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Josey, squirrel-watching through the front window. ::chuckles:: I love how she looks like she’s ready to jump through the window for that squirrel.

Vultures

written: October 28

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I had a flock of 100+ vultures soar over my yard today.



It’s hard to get a picture of it, but each one of those black specks is an individual vulture. So freaking cool. I have never seen a flock of vultures this large. And here I thought the flock of 26 I saw previously was huge. The most amazing part was how completely silent they were. If I didn’t see them, I never would have known they were there.

And then one of my students asked if he could play with his toy. THIS is what he brought out of his backpack.



::sighs:: Yeah, this is totally how I wanted to start my fucking week. So yeah, needless to say, that started fun notifications. I had to notify my supervisor, the principal of the school, and then his parents. ::sighs:: It just sucks because this is probably going to land him in serious trouble, yet he’s definitely developmentally delayed. He doesn’t understand most things.

Self-Care

written: October 27

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Roasted pumpkin seeds.

Today was a crazy productive day for me, especially given how heavy the depression has been this year. I got up and took a fabulous shower. I shaved my legs, conditioned my hair, put lotion on my legs and arms, AND did a face mask. I did more self-care today than I have done in ages.

I then roasted pumpkin seeds as my reward. ::chuckles:: Not my best, but still very tasty. I just need to remember when I think I’ve used enough Worcestershire sauce…add on some more. ::chuckles::

Other than that, just a nice quiet day at the house. David’s working from home today, so for about 4 hours in the afternoon, it’s pretty much just me and Josey.

Bad Employee

written: October 26

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Little Miss Leviathan, all coiled up in her tank.

I was a terrible employee today and did not go to the all staff meeting today. I’m sorry, but I’m already giving so much of myself to this damn part-time job, that I just couldn’t stomach giving MORE of my time to it. So yeah, I slept in and just relaxed. I seriously needed it.

My mom sent us a fabulous goody box for Halloween. She sent some of the peanut butter balls. And she put some of the Halloween stamps on the box. Which the post office didn’t cancel out. So I put some in my journal and some in Sharmila’s journal as well. ::smiles::

Banishing

written: October 25

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Rain on the railing.

Thankfully, after the insanity that was yesterday…today was worlds calmer. Even all the parents that were rude and shit to my staff, demanding to talk to me…they were super mellow with me. Maybe I still have my intimidation edge after all. Because they don’t dare speak to me the way they apparently speak to my staff. Which, admittedly, it’s hard to intimidate me, when I am just as tall, if not taller, than all of them. ::chuckles:: And I don’t back down either. I don’t always have to advance in the game…but I am one to almost always stand my ground and not back down. I also refuse to get excited with them. And when faced with a perfectly calm individual while the parent is completely out of control, it just makes them feel even more stupid about getting that riled up in the first place. ::chuckles toothily:: And yes, that is a very calculated observation on my part.

See, I’m a Scorpio. Everything is calculated to benefit me the best.

While Jackson did have a much calmer day, and I feel that I have made some progress with him, I still came home and did a quickie spell to remove him from my after school program. My program will always be chaotic – it’s a huge pack of children. But Jackson adds a whole ‘nother level of chaos to the mix that is just grinding me down every single day it seems. Worked into the banishing spell, I put in some calming energy as well. Let’s hope it works!

Glitter Wart

written: October 24

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A pretty stick on eye jewel that Kalli S. (student) gave me today. We ended up calling them glitter warts. ::laughs::

Insane rough day today at work. BUT, I am making progress, so that’s a good thing.

Jackson BOLTED today and hid. Paula and I made 3 laps of the entire school trying to find him. I text his dad and my supervisor to let them know. On my 4th round through the 5th grade classrooms, I found him. He was crying and just asked me to call his dad. I told him I had already text dad and that dad was on his way. I sat down close by (and within camera view – as it was just me and Jackson in the 5th grade common area) and I asked him what happened. Normally, when he has hit this point, he’s 100% nonverbal. But this time around, he told me he hated two of the students in that were in the gym with him. That’s the first time he’s ever talked to me when he’s in crisis mode. I asked if there was anything I could do, and I saw him shut down. So I shut up. I text Paula to let her know I found him, so she didn’t have to continue looking. And I text Jackson’s dad to let him know that I found Jackson. And then I told the rest of my staff over the walkie that I was with Jackson, and to just call over the walkie when Jackson’s dad arrived.

Paula came down and sat with us, trying to talk to Jackson. But once she realized it was just agitating him further, she backed off. She told me to text her if I needed anything. We don’t currently have enough walkies for her to have one, so we just text. And then, Jackson and I just sat there for a good 15 minutes. I tried at various times to engage him in some conversation about random things, but he didn’t engage, so we mostly just sat in silence.

And then Riggs had a major melt-down in the gym and Waylon (developmentally delayed) just punched him in the forehead. Like REALLY?

After talking with Jackson’s father about what happened and getting Jackson’s side of the story, and getting the staffs’ side of the story AND coaching Jackson on where to go when he’s upset…Esmeralda (my supervisor) arrived. So I had to hash all of that out again with her. I was so exhausted at this point. I mean, she even commented on how exhausted I looked when she came in. Yep, adrenaline dump will do that do ya. And the fact that I’m dealing with this multiple times a week? Yeah, I’m burnt the fuck out.

And while I was in the office with Esmeralda, Jess had to talk to Waylon’s parents about what he did. And poor Claire (another aide)…she got her trial by fire. She had to talk to Rigg’s dad about what happened. And Rigg’s dad is a handful. So yeah, I get to talk to both of those parents tomorrow because they want to talk to someone higher up than my aides. Esmeralda wanted me to call Rigg’s dad before I left work today. But yeah…I just did NOT have the emotional and energy reserves to do that. So I emailed him that I will be in to work early tomorrow and would call him then. That’s about all I can do right now.

Floating

written: October 23

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I liked the scaling effect in the dirt on our sidewalk. ::chuckles:: Yeah, having to get creative some days on my daily photo. But I’m more than half way through this challenge. Just 430 more photos to go! ::laughs::

I have a headache floating around my skull. It won’t just pick one spot and stay there. It floats from the front to the back, from behind an eye to the temple, from the left to the right side. ::sighs:: Which means, by this point, my whole damn skull just ACHES.

Destruction & Interview

written:  October 22

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On my way to my interview with the Da. Library, I drove past one of the areas hit by one of this weekend’s tornadoes.

The interview at the Da. Library was so much fun! I really enjoyed myself. They have 6 positions open, so fingers crossed! ::smiles::

And then I came home and did the “assessment” test for the Co. Library. It was the weirdest damn questions. Like what year did the US enter WW2? And poem is to poet as statue is to ___? Like, what the fuck does that have to do with being a librarian? ::shakes her head:: Oh well, I did them and submitted it and then did a personality “assessment” test as well. We’ll see how that all turns out.

Other than that, I FINALLY carved the pumpkin I have. Just a simple “standard” jack-o-lantern. And this pumpkin had a TON of seeds. I’m so giddy. But then I realized I am out of Worcestershire sauce. ::grumbles:: Sooo, the seeds are in the refrigerator until I can get to the store to pick up some Worcestershire sauce.

One Thing

written: October 21

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Offering to the Harpies, made in gratitude for the storm that blew through yesterday evening that didn’t bring any damages to our home or our family.

All in all, a good damn day today. Other than me having to send my newest aide home to change into clothing that conformed to dress code (the THIRD time she’s not been in dress code), work was actually pretty good.

I made some serious headway on the presentation for the Da. Library interview tomorrow. PLUS I came home to an email from the C. Library. I did their essay thing a week or two back, and now I get to do their “Right Fit” test thing. From what it sounds like, it’s a personality type test to see if my values align with the city’s values. I’ll get that in the next few days and I’ll knock that out as soon as I can. It would be AMAZING if the C. Library would hire me. They are the closest and the pay is higher (it’s in a much more affluent area).

Continuing on from yesterday’s entry. Another thing I’ve been doing to help battle the depression is what I call The One Thing. What is One Thing I can do right now to set my future Self up for a win? It can be as simple as bringing down a water glass from my room (when I would normally let them pile up) or drinking gatorade instead of the 4th coffee. Or it can be as big as STILL applying for library jobs as soon as I see them. It can be choosing NOT to spend money on items from Sage Goddess that I know will simply collect dust. Or it can be taking Josey for a walk. The thing is, just to do One Thing, no matter how big or how small, that will set me up for a future win.

Outsmart

written: October 20

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Josey, sleeping at the door, while David was outside working.

I think I may have just found a way to outsmart my depression.
I told myself that I cannot realistically consider suicide UNTIL I do my Polar Bear trip AND am 100% debt free, because I wouldn’t want to burden my husband with my debt along with my death. I know, it sounds morbid, BUT it gave me the energy to really begin working on the presentation for the Da. Library, because it would be a step closer to helping me begin working on paying off my debt. And instead of my brain fighting against an ultimatum (CANNOT commit suicide), it instead was given two hurdles I have to clear before I can consider suicide. HOPEFULLY by that point, I will have my depression under better control and I won’t be in this mind-frame. Or I’ll just have to setup NEW hurdles for it.

Which, I also went ahead and created my annual Birthday Goal list – 38 goals for my 38th year. I realize, that while I do not have a great track record at accomplishing said goals, MAKING them does wonders for my mental health. It gives me things to look forward to or strive towards in the upcoming year. And knowing this about myself, I will be revamping my 101 Goals in 1001 Days. Because again, that shows me the various things that are important to me; the things I want to see or accomplish in my life. And it gives me something to hold onto when the depression is just smothering.

But I also understand now why the mental health professionals always caution people to really pay attention to when depressed people are suddenly happy – because making a suicide plan alleviates so much of the pressure. Once I told myself what had to happen before I would allow myself to realistically contemplate suicide, a massive weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I could breathe again. I could function. Hell, I was downright upbeat after that. And even though that end is way off in the future, it was enough for my brain to accept and loosen that death-grip.

So yeah, I know that this entry may alarm some people – specifically those in my life that do not actively battle depression. But seriously guys. This is a GOOD thing. Because it’s going to be a while for me to save up enough for the Polar Bear Trip (roughly $11,000) AND pay off my outstanding debt (roughly $14,000) even when I do get a full time library job.

Restlessness

written: October 19

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Just a tiny part of my massive and extensive feather collection. These are just some of the bigger ones that at the top of my altar. Two from my brother, one from a pen pal, and one that I found myself.

While sitting outside this morning, I happened to look straight up. And I counted 26 vultures flying south, way up high in the sky. I have never seen such a large flock of vultures all headed in a singular direction. Most of the time, they are lazily circling a large area. But these were birds on a mission. Guess autumn is finally really beginning.

Other than that, I was just restless all day. I went to FedEx to print some things out, but there were a ton of people waiting to use the printers. I didn’t feel like hanging out and waiting – nothing I was printing had a time requirement. So I headed over to Barnes & Noble to just poke around.

I hate the restlessness. I want to do something. I need to do something. But I don’t know what that something IS. So I just wander, aimlessly, around trying to figure out. Typically, I end up returning home, having accomplished nothing except wandering.

Unless a miracle occurs soon, it looks like the Atlanta trip has been effectively cancelled. I think instead, I’ll spend the day at the zoo. Hmmm, I have two large zoos roughly the same distance away from me. Maybe I can spend Saturday at one and Sunday at the other? I think that would make for a lovely weekend for me. It doesn’t take the place of getting to meet Annie and go to the Melting Pot, but it might make up for some of the loss. Now, of course, I’m scheming of a plan to visit her state sometime in the Spring. She’s been raving about this amazing sushi place that I would love to try out. Plus, there’s a Melting Pot up in her neck of the woods as well. ::smiles::

Besides, I have a Coven retreat coming up in November, that I need to start planning for as well. This break from the Coven has been really good for me. I really do like the Coven and have missed them quite a bit this month, but seriously, I needed a month to just get my personal and professional shit straightened out. Well, as straightened out as my personal and professional shit can be at this time. ::chuckles::

Fall Festival

written: October 18

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Josey watching me from the landing.

A crazy day at work. The school was having their Fall Festival today, so we were kicked out of the cafeteria (our home base) at 4:30. Luckily we were able to shift to the Library and hook up a movie for the kids to watch. I was out in the hallway where the parents were supposed to be directed to pick up the students.

All of the students were gone by 6 pm. That was a shock, but hey, I will NOT look a gift horse in the mouth. I got everything squared away and out by 6:30 pm. Such a nice day.

Panic

written: October 17

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I may or may not have purchased a dragon journal at the Book Fair at the elementary school my after school program is based out of.
And the feathers are a gift from a Pagan pen-pal that arrived today.

Yeah, so Wyatt, one of my students, was showing me his awesome dragon journal today that he got that the Book Fair. I may or may not have audibly gasped before asking him to show me where it was. And my students couldn’t believe I was actually buying the dragon journal for myself. ::laughs:: Honestly, I’m thinking it could make for a cool dream or spell work journal.

Yeah, I was supposed to go to the CPI training this morning. But right when I got to the building the training would be at…I fucking PANICKED. I’m guessing it’s because I don’t really WANT to do the damn class…and that it is in a building I’ve never been in….and would be full of people I didn’t know…and I REALLY didn’t want to be touched, and that’s kind of the point of learning physical restraints. But yeah, I broke out in a sweat and I could feel my heart rate double in the matter of seconds.

It’s been years since I’ve had a panic reaction at that level. Though honestly, with as burnt out and worn out as I’ve been for this YEAR…it shouldn’t have surprised me one bit. I just don’t have the emotional/mental reserves to keep my anxiety in check right now. And this morning visibly demonstrated that to me. And the thing is? I don’t know how to fix this right now.

I need to get my campus back under control (well, better control than it currently is).
I need to do the other blood tests for my Doctor. But that requires money. That I don’t currently have.
I need to get a full time job, or at least another part-time job that will allow me to keep the after school program (because, hello, I need health insurance).
I need to get my butt into therapy, but that requires money. That again, I don’t currently have.
Same for seeing a chiropractor.

I need like a week or two of vacation. But yeah…money again. ::sighs::

Windows

written: October 16

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Beautiful sunset. I had planned to take a photo of the “berry basket with berries” that Rileigh (student) had made me, but the work day got away from me and I totally forgot.

David wants to have some of the windows in the house replaced, so we had a company out to check it out. How on earth can we talk about fucking windows for 3+ hours?? Like seriously, they need to slim down their sales pitch a bit. That’s just wayyyyy too long. And honestly? I don’t fucking care.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice that David wants my input on these things. But I seriously don’t care. It’s not like he’s gonna surprise me with pink windows or something. And, until I get a full time job, I can’t pitch in any money towards it. So honestly, it’s 100% his decision. ::shakes her head:: So yeah, we’ll be getting all our windows except for one replaced…most likely in November sometime.

I got an email from the Da. Library. It’s a HUGE library with 7 or 8 branches. I have an interview on Tuesday for that…but the kicker? I have to put together a 10-minute presentation as a part of my interview. ::grumbles:: And the salary is a little less than what I wanted…but still worlds better than what I’m currently making. So yeah, I’m going to bitch and moan about creating the presentation, but I’m going to give it 100%. Because, seriously? I’m sick of this song and dance with applying for jobs. It would be wonderful to GET the job already and leave the after school program for good.

Roses

written:  October 15

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Roses in the evening. My rosebush is loving the cooler temperatures and it seems like she’s intent on having another massive blooming session soon. ::smiles:: So makes me happy.

My new aide – Victoria – started today. So that brings me up to 5 “full time” aides and one “part-time” BIC aide. I finally feel like MAYBE we can start getting a handle on my campus.

And of course, my two handful kiddos went off the deep end today. Thankfully we had the sub Donavan out on our campus as Jess (my 2nd in command) is still out with a broken foot. She broke it on the 4th (the god-awful day that I came home and just drank) chasing down our BIC kiddo (can’t remember if I wrote about that or not). I had Esmeralda (my boss) come out today to help wrangle my crazy kiddos. But it was good. Esmeralda seems to really be doing everything that she can to help us out and I am deeply grateful for that. I just wish there wasn’t so much red tape to cut through to get us the help here that we need.

But the good news is that Jess is coming back tomorrow. Thank goodness! It will be good to have her back on campus again. I will need to give her a refresher on our ProCare system so she can do attendance and update her on all the things we’ve changed since she’s been out.

Fuck Columbus

written: October 14

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Crow on the wing.

I always hate Columbus Day. There’s always some guy (usually an older white male) that wants to defend Columbus Day, even in the face of the fact that Columbus ushered in the damn near annihilation of the Indigenous populations here in the Americas.

A guy on a friend’s FB page said it was to celebrate all the “wonderful” things Western Civilization brought to the Americas. Yeah, because written language totally trumps the mass genocide, slavery, land and cultural theft, continued exploitation, racism, the desecration of many sacred sites, etc. This guy doubled down and had the balls to say it brought better status for women. I damn near choked on my coffee reading that one. ::shakes her head:: THIS is why it is important to teach FACTUAL history, and not the white-washed bullshit that so many believe. It just props up the whole White Is Better mindset, the mythical White Savior that swoops in and “saves” the Indigenous populations. ::gags::

Seriously, you want to understand just how bad the Whites were to the Indigenous populations here, read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Browns. That book lays it all out in the open. It is not an easy book to read. I had to put it down a number of times because the horrors that were visited on Indigenous populations time and time again was just too much to take in at once.

I wish we would just toss out Columbus Day and make it Indigenous Peoples Day. I wish we would stop teaching the Columbus Myth and teach a history that is based on FACT.

Disheartening

written: October 13

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Josey puppers is so cute when she’s sleeping.

Tonight is the full moon and we’re getting rain, so I can’t see it. But I’m fine with that, because I love the rain. Just wish it was a tad warmer so I could run around naked in the rain. ::chuckles::

I was hoping to have heard back from the F. B. Library, offering me the job. But the closer it gets to the 16th (when they would want the new person to start) and I haven’t heard anything from them, the less likely it seems that I will be offered the job. ::sighs:: Back to the drawing board once more.

It’s just rather disheartening to be applying for 20 plus jobs and only land interviews for 2 (thus far) and not be offered the job. I’m so used to applying for child care positions, that basically are fighting over each other to win me to their side because I have 23+ years’ experience in the field – 14 of which have been in a management positions.

Indulgence

written: October 12

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My current food indulgence. I just love these.

Today, when I was sitting outside, enjoying the sunshine. I looked up and there had to be at least two dozen dragonflies flitting around in the sunshine. It felt downright magical. The way the sunlight would glint off their wings and the shadows they cast during their flights.

I am so behind on all of my journaling on all fronts. My daily thankfuls – I write 3 things I’m thankful for each day. My daily journaling in the white notebook. And certainly my blogging. Pretty much the only thing I am keeping up with at this point is my daily photo.

I am just so damn tired. I’m tired from work. I’m tired from life. I’m tired of everything.
Everything is a damn up-hill battle. Everything just utterly exhausts me. And I’m unable to replenish my energy reserves, so I’m always running on fumes.

Caffeine and nicotine can only carry me so far. And I’m feeling like that end is coming really close. I’m just really tired of the damn rat race.

And no. None of this is to say that I’m suicidal or anything like that. I’m just soul-weary at this point.

I Cannot Do It All

written:  October 11

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I came home to find this awesome postcard in my mailbox from John. ::smiles:: I had sent him one of the old-timey postcards of my city that I had stumbled across.

It was a very long day at work due to the early release bullshit. Tell me again why elementaries have to have an early release day every 9 weeks? It’s stupid really. But hey, more money for me!

It looks like Jess will be about for a while at work. She broke her foot last Friday, chasing after our BIC kiddo. Worker’s Comp FINALLY approved her to see a specialist, but the appointment isn’t until Tuesday. Poor girl!

Which, apparently I’m getting a new aide on Tuesday as well? News to me. But I will welcome an extra person with open arms right now because I’m running myself completely ragged at this point. Thankfully we have gotten some really good subs (like Donavan that we’ve had the past two days – he’s flipping AMAZING and I would give my left arm to keep him on my campus).

But I’ll spend next week getting the new aide (Victoria) up to speed. And then I’ll start training all of the staff on ProCare and attendance and documentation. I really have taken too much of that responsibility on myself and Jess and this year is showing me, very blatantly, that I cannot do it all myself. I was able to do that in the beginning. But now? Now I have 20 more students, less staff, and more with behavioral issues. I am not Super Woman and it’s time to start getting my staff to really step up.

It’s not that they don’t want to step up…I just haven’t taken the time to show them how to, and I accept the blame for that. But this year…especially if I end up getting the part-time job at the F. B. Library (which I desperately want)…I am going to have to turn some of the reigns over to them.

Still haven’t heard anything today about the F. B. Library. But one of the libraries closer to my home that the starting pay is more than I was even thinking of asking for contacted me. I have three essay questions to do by the 16th, and if I’m selected for an interview they will contact me then. If not, then I won’t hear anything back. So I’ll do the essays and keep my fingers crossed. Because a full-time job would be so much nicer than doing two part-time jobs. Even if one of those jobs pays stupidly well and gives me full benefits and the other job…pays shit, but gets me into the field). It would just be nice to have ONE job that takes care of it all. And this library is about 15 minutes away, whereas F. B. Library is 25 to 30 minutes away, depending on traffic.

Temperature Drop

written:  October 10

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A beautiful nearly-full moon rising just before a massive cold front brought in some truly BEAUTIFUL storms. We dropped a good 30 degrees and had the most beautiful lightning show before the rains hit. I just hope the poor Plumbago plant survives it. I should probably move it indoors soon. But if it doesn’t make it, I’ll snag another from my brother and do a better job keeping it safe. ::chuckles::

It was a rough day at work. Meltdown kiddo had the most epic, and long-lasting meltdown. Non-stop sobbing to the point of gagging for 2+ hours. I finally had enough and called his mom. Thankfully she was only 10 minutes away. And then the BIC kiddo was having a mean day. Just being a total turd to the younger students the entire time. ::shakes her head:: But we got a sub today, Donavan, who was flat out AMAZING with the meltdown kiddo. Seriously, he got the kid to stop crying three different times (yeah, tons of meltdowns). I wrote to Esmeralda, singing this guy’s praises and told her we would HAPPILY take him anytime he’s available and we are in need of a sub. Seriously, just friggin’ AWESOME.

I did make note of what he did with the meltdown kiddo and hopefully can replicate it in the future, when we need it. And I’ll be teaching it to the rest of the staff as well, so they can step in and help out as well. And I really need to get on the ball (and stay on it) until I can get my meeting(s) with the Special Ed department. I know that the BIC kiddo is the only one with a behavioral plan in place, but I know quite a few of my other kiddos have modifications for special ed. I need to find those out and report those back to my boss to hopefully get us some more help. And I definitely want to learn any tricks the Spec Ed teachers have found for working with my students. I’m just so damn worn out and stressed out at the end of each day…even if it goes well. Because I’m on high alert all the time because I never know what will set one of my kiddos off.

In non-work-bitching news, I’ve begun sketching out my Bullet Journal that I will be keeping in 2020. Originally, I had planned to start it in November, but suddenly became very attached to my current planner (one of the monthly planners from Barnes & Nobel) and really want to finish out the year in it. ::chuckles:: I have no clue why I’m suddenly attached to it and want to finish it completely out, but I’m rolling with it.

I saw a YouTube video of a lady that does the full monthly layouts in the front of her bullet journal instead of a future log and that really resonated with me. I like the big monthly layouts so I can fully see what is happening when. I do plan to do a future log for 2021 (for those yearly doctor appointments and what not). And honestly, I’m loving the idea of creating something that is solely mine. Granted, it is a bit of a pain in the ass to draw out all the monthly grids, but it’s also a good Zen time for me. And while I would LOVE to create those beautiful artistic Bullet Journals, I think for now, I’m going to stick with minimalist. I just want to figure out if the system will work for me or not. If it does, then I can look into adding some doodles and sketches later on.

Ernie the Wonder Pupper

written:  October 09

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This is the fabulous “pledge” two of my students created and had me read, while they were both giving me puppy-dog eyes, begging to be allowed to play football. It was too cute and I shared it with the staff and their parents. It’s hanging up in my office as well. ::chuckles::

Yeah, given how they can’t even manage a kick-ball game or a basketball game without a TON of shit-talking and pushing? Yeah, football is going to remain banned for the foreseeable future. I have more than enough stress in the day-to-day running of this campus without heaping on the crap football brings to the table. But I certainly give them major props for creativity and dedication.

The best thing about today was that I got to see Ernie the Amazing Puppers up at work. He belongs to Madeleine & Kathryn and he is seriously, the best dog ever. He looks like an Irish Setter, but is pure black. He’s a rescue, so no one really knows what he is. But he is just a smart and sweet puppers. I seriously needed those few minutes, sitting with him, just petting him and him staring up into my eyes with adoration. I know that lowered all of my stress. I think I need to start having them bring Ernie up once a week for my therapy. ::laughs::

Which, yeah, I know I need to find a therapist. I’m still riding the edge between ok and seriously-not-ok. But money and time and effort are always low on the list for me. And honestly, I’m not quite ready to face the Issues that therapy will require of me. I’m currently happy with keeping the monster under the bed, rather than putting in the work to bring it out into the light and face it head on. If avoidance was an Olympic sport…I would get the gold metal without ever breaking a sweat. ::chuckles::

Interview

written:  October 08

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Me, all gussied up, waiting for my interview at the correct library. ::chuckles:: The interview went really well and hopefully I will get an email on Friday saying I get to start on the 16th.

Seriously, while the F. B. Library is a little small, its location is GORGEOUS. It’s right on the nature trails and is just beautiful. I really, really, REALLY hope I get this job.

Then it was off to the useless staff meeting. Seriously, useless. The important information could have been covered in 15 minutes or a simple email. I could have spent the rest of the time on campus, doing shit that actually matters.

We spent so much of the staff meeting talking about the cardboard challenge (where to give the students boxes to make anything they want) and the various lesson plans they have created for us. Bitch please. I’m still having to corral three runners, various special ed kiddos, a BIC kiddo, and then all my normies as well. We are trying to keep my campus from being a raging dumpster fire. We don’t have time or the energy to do the extra crap.

And I loved how the Zone Leaders kept repeating that the cardboard challenge wasn’t optional this year. Bitch please. EVERYTHING is optional as long as you are ok with the consequences. And right now? Yeah, the cardboard challenge will NOT occur on my campus unless the BIC kiddo is removed. And I don’t see that happening anytime soon. ::shakes her head::

Wrong Library

written:  October 07

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Rough day.
But Rileigh made me a “weed crown”.
Made the day so much better.
Seriously, I do have good kiddos most of the time.

Yeah….I ended up going to the wrong damn library today. I emailed the right library, claiming a family emergency. Once I got home, I sent them a formal apology and basically threw myself on their mercy to reschedule. Thankfully, they want me to come in tomorrow morning. WHEW!

Like, how the fuck does that happen? I’m not even sure I’ve applied at the L. E. Library. So I have NO IDEA what I thought that’s where I was supposed to go. Even on the big family calendar I have it written down as the F. B. Library (which is the right one) and I STILL went to the L. E. Library. I swear to god my mind is slipping big time. Oh well, maybe the L. E. Library will have an opening. I at least know how to get there! ::laughs::

Battery

written:  October 06

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Beautiful evening.

Luckily, all my car required was a new battery. So that cost me a little over $200, but it’s worlds better than a new alternator or starter, so I won’t bitch too much.

I’m too peopled out to go look at new phones. Hopefully I can go sometime during the week, when hopefully there will be less people in the stores.

Crashing Down

written:  October 05

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Waiting on Hazel to arrive for our Tarot & Tea meeting. I have my new journal (sticker is Serpent Spells by Laorel on RedBubble) and a fabulous Chai latte.

It turned out to be a really good time with Hazel. I miss doing this. I need to make it a point to do this more often, though, between our two crazy schedules, it’s kind of hard to do. It’s just nice to sit and gab about Witchy things, and do Tarot/Oracle readings for each other while enjoying some nice tea.

The shitty thing? My car refused to start. ::sighs:: Luckily, David was at home and was able to come pick me up. We went back later, to see if my car would start. When it wouldn’t, David jumped it and I drove straight to Firestone. Hopefully it’s just the battery and not like the alternator or the starter.

And then my phone has started doing this thing, when I make a phone call, the screen goes completely black and I can’t get it to turn back on until the call is ended. So I can’t END the phone call. It’s 100% hinging on when the other person hangs up. And I can’t do anything that would require the use of a number pad. ::sighs:: Granted, I’ve had this phone for YEARS now. Lots of years. So it is due to be replaced. But damn! It had to be NOW? So I’ll be looking at phones really soon.

It just seems more and more that my trip to Atlanta may not happen. Plus, Annie’s hotel reservation was cancelled for some reason. She can’t get a hold of anyone to find out WHY. But yeah, if she doesn’t have a room to stay at, she won’t be going to Atlanta. And she was the main catalyst for me doing this trip. ::sighs:: So yeah, we are both seriously bummed about this. I’m still forging ahead, planning as though the trip WILL happen, just in case we are able to do it. But I’m also trying to temper my expectations so I’m not completely heart-broken if it doesn’t happen. Oh well, just means once spring rolls around, I’ll be planning a trip up to her state, if nothing else. Never doubt the tenacity of a Scorpio. ::chuckles toothily::

Vodka

written:  October 04

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Dragon skin! It is shed skin from an adult Texas Spiny Lizard that I found in the backyard when I went to see how the bunnies are doing. Apparently, Momma bunny has moved them. I don’t blame her. The nest had to smell like Josey and me – two predators in her eyes. But I was so hoping to get cute bunny photos as the babies got older.

I am currently ADDICTED to sketchbook flip-through videos on YouTube. There are some wickedly talented artists out there, and the Scorpio in me just LOVES being allowed to look inside someone else’s journal/sketchbook.

Today…..was…..AWFUL at work.
I have no idea what happened to set off the BIC kiddo, but damn. It was BAD. He ran away and hid 4 different times in various classrooms. Threw things around in those classrooms. We had four of the Special Ed team, two of my aides, the counselor, AND the principal working to get him to calm down. And of course, I was down two aides (one was coming in at 4:30) and we were not given a sub. I was trying to get ahold of SOMEONE to get us another staff member to help out and BIC kiddo hit the disconnect button. The principal told me to call BIC kiddo’s dad. To his credit, dad showed up pretty quickly. And then my supervisor showed up to help out as well. That was GREATLY appreciated. We were all complete worn out by 3:40.

And add on top of the BIC kiddo, my Kinder with massive meltdowns came in with a Meltdown to End All Meltdowns. He was gagging at times because he was crying so hard. What was he so upset about? In his class, they have this cute lil bee backpack called Mr. Honeybee. Each day, the best behaved student gets to take the backpack home. Inside the backpack is a plush bumble bee and a journal that they get to write in, telling what they did with Mr. Honeybee that day. Meltdown Kiddo didn’t get it today. Even though he had it yesterday. But he was beyond inconsolable because he didn’t get it today. ::sighs::

And then my other special needs Kinder got bumped by a book as a student was turning around with it in her hand. He came and told me he got hit in the nose, so I talked to the other student who explained what had happened, that it barely grazed him, and that she apologized. So I told him he was ok. He decided to go over and punch her as hard as he could in the shoulder. ::shakes her head::

Yeah, I came home and started drinking. First drink was about 30% vodka and 70% Baileys. Drink #2 was about 70% vodka and 30% Baileys. Needless to say, I was happily buzzed by the time my husband got home. ::laughs:: So we ordered Dominos pizza and just stayed in, watching movies.

Seriously, today was so bad that it was either drink or cut. Something had to give. So I chose the lesser of the two evils and went with alcohol. Not the best coping mechanism, I know. But it’s worlds better than taking a blade to my skin again. I’ve been self-injurious behavior free going on 13 years and that’s not a streak I will break lightly at this point. Sometimes my stubbornness IS a blessing. ::chuckles::

Baby Steps

written:  October 03

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Little baby Texas Spiny Lizard friend. He was super mellow and rode around on my hand for a good while. I put him in the backyard, so Josey wouldn’t chase, catch, and/or eat him. He’s a bit on the thin side, so I’m hoping all the bugs in the backyard will fatten him up. If I had the set-up, I would keep him for a month or two, just to fatten him up properly before releasing him back into the yard. I should get a small tank set up at some point for these guys that need just a little extra help.

I got the email today that the library I did the informal interview with yesterday wants me to come in for an in-person interview next week. I swear my excited “woohoo” and happy flapping of my hands scared the crap out of Josey. ::laughs:: I’m just waiting for them to email back, confirming the time and date I want will work out for them as well.

I’m having fun drawing along with a doodle tutorial I found on YouTube. It’s 15 Halloween themed doodles. I’m spacing them out, but want to do all of them by the end of the month. Today I did the pumpkin tutorial and I love how cute the pumpkins have turned out. Maybe, eventually, I’ll get good enough to start trying my own types of drawings and they’ll actually look like what they are supposed to be! ::chuckles:: And eventually, I can move on to painting.

BUNNIES

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We have baby bunnies in the backyard!!! There are two in this photo, but there may be more further down in the nest. Josey found them, but dropped it as soon as it started squeaking. I got her back in the house and covered them back up. I’m just happy Josey didn’t eat the bunny AND that Momma Bunny finally figured out NOT to build her nests in the side yard (Josey’s yard). So I’ll let the lawn care guy know not to mow the backyard until the bunnies leave the nest for good. I’m hoping I can get some really cute photos of them between now and then. ::smiles::

My informal interview with the L.E. Library went very well. I SERIOUSLY want this job. While it would suck to have to work weekends, but its schedule would allow me to continue working the after school job. I would just be a little late to work Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. It would make for some long ass days. But it would be a job in the library sector and would get my foot in the door.

The two ladies doing the interview said that they hope to wrap up all of the informal interviews and call people on Friday to set up in-person interviews. You better believe I am tossing a lot of spellwork at getting that call on Friday. I seriously want that in-person interview.

Maybe

written:  October 01

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Nothing quite like finishing up one journal and beginning a new one! ::smiles:: The dark gray journal is almost complete. I’m just waiting for a sticker I ordered off RedBubble to show up and then it will be complete. I’m now starting a white version of the dark gray journal. Which, of course, has me scouring RedBubble for a good sticker to put on the front of it. ::chuckles::

I called and sang happy birthday to my Mom after I did our weekly Wal-Mart run.

I guess all my bitching paid off…the L.E. Library emailed me saying they wanted to do an informal telephone interview. It should take about 15 minutes. So I have that scheduled for tomorrow. It’s part-time, but fuck man. I’m getting desperate here. It would certainly be nice if I could continue working the after school program so I can keep my health insurance. It will suck to work two jobs, but hey. I gotta do what I gotta do.

10 Years

written:  September 30

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Hubs and I, in front of Texas Roadhouse, where we ate to celebrate our 10-year anniversary! Steak and ribs…so good!

I was a bit melancholy about it because initially we had set the goal to celebrate our 10-year anniversary in Vegas, where we got married. But yeah, finances just didn’t have that in the cards for us this year. So yeah, a bit bummed about that. I really had hoped we’d be in a better financial position.

BUT. I am happy to be celebrating 10 years married to my best friend. It’s been a crazy 10 years, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Even a return trip to Vegas. ::chuckles::

In other news, Elisa sent me a FB message today, saying she hopes I’m doing ok. And offering to be a listening ear if I need to talk about depression or anxiety. It’s a super sweet gesture on her part. But she’s just a baby, having only recently touched on depression and/or anxiety herself. Me? I’ve been riding this roller coaster damn near all my life at this point. ::chuckles:: I have no idea what she thinks she’ll be able to help me with. But like I said, a very kind, and unexpected, gesture on her part.

Mental health wise, I’m actually doing pretty good. By taking the month off from the Coven, that alleviated a lot of the extra stress. Now if only I can get work to be calm, that would go a long way to keeping me stable. But I’m not holding my breath on that happening any time soon. And if I could just get a library job…any library job. I just need to get my foot in the door. I’ve applied for just about any and all library jobs I’ve come across. SOMETHING has to give at some point!