Pull the Trigger

::sighs:: Nothing in my life is every easy. I never choose the easy path either, so it’s not like I’m shaking my fist at the sky and cursing the gods for this. ::laughs:: I tend to bring it upon myself more times than naught.

Ritual last night with the Coven was lovely. It was pretty bittersweet for me, as I sat there, listening to them all gush about future plans for the Coven, and them talk about planning my upcoming initiation. The initiation that I would not be doing. I planned to come home and sometime this week, email the High Priestess and tell her I would be parting ways with the Coven. I didn’t want to say anything last night, as I didn’t want to tarnish the memory of that ritual for any of the Coven members. They truly are lovely people and people that I do want to keep in contact with.

But at the end of ritual, the talk turned to the next ritual – the upcoming Full Moon – and who wanted to create and lead it. Two of the Coven members are currently teaching a class for the Big Pagan Community, so they are automatically out. A third Coven member will most likely have family in town and may not be at the ritual at all, so she is out. So that left just four of us. Guess who got volunteered to do this ritual?

Yep. That would be me. ::sighs::

Now, I could have been cruel, and dropped my bombshell right then and there. But what purpose would that have truly served? Besides, I wasn’t prepared at all to deal with the emotional fallout that certainly would have followed such an announcement. I was riding one hell of a headache and medicated to the gills just to be there (because I thought this was going to be my last ritual, I made it a serious point to be there).

But. I’m electing to see this as my final gift to the Coven. I’ll pull out all the stops and make this one of my best rituals ever. And that will be my parting gift for them all.

I’ve already emailed the High Priestess and told her this. I went back and forth on if I should wax poetically about how much I do adore everyone in the group (because I do), or if I should just keep it short, sweet, and to the point. I ended up somewhere in the middle. And then I stalled on sending it. And I realized that I was just attempting to avoid the inevitable but that I really just needed to pull the trigger and be done with it.

So. Here I sit. I will see what the fall out will be. But I am ok with my decision. And that’s really all that matters.

Growing Pains

Restless…so very, very, VERY restless right now.

I don’t even feel comfortable in my own damn skin right now. Like…it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like mine. It feels old. And stagnant. I need a change.

I know, I know. I just did a big scary change. I left my job at the FB Library without a safety net. I left that one for my own sanity. Luckily, I landed at the Da. Library and couldn’t be happier.

But on a soul level, I’m exhausted.

Tomorrow is the first in-person Coven ritual we’ll have since February of last year. And while I should be excited about it…I’m very much “meh”. I’m questioning my Coven membership, which I typically do about this time within a group.

I am not Wiccan. Honestly, I would classify myself closer to a Traditional Witch than Wiccan. I have almost zero connection to any of the sabbats (which, anyone reading me for any length of time knows, because I wax poetically on that subject ad nauseam time and time again). And I have zero desire to do ritual/spell work for the sake of doing so just because it’s “time” to do so. If I have no need for it, why should I do it?

I also no longer work with the gods/spirits the same way either. I’m not one to make daily offerings or daily prayers. Hell, most of the time, I don’t even invoke them in my work. The bulk of my spell work is 100% me and whatever ingredients I’m working with. At this point, the Harpies are the only ones I invoke with any sort of regularity, for safety from the storms. Honestly, if I hadn’t been in the presence of gods and spirits personally, I would probably be non-theistic at this point.

All of this past year, I’ve been delving more into Satanism – more of elevating myself, honoring myself, taking care of myself, as I should be. I deserve to put myself first. I’m tired of putting myself last. I’m tired of treating myself as an after thought. And the fact that I label myself Satanic makes a number of my Coven-mates nervous. ::shrugs:: But I’m tired of making myself small to fit in other people’s boxes.

I guess, all of this to say…I’m pretty sure I’ll be parting ways with the Coven. It’s just this parting is harder than the others I’ve left, because I genuinely like my Coven-mates. In the past, the Covens I’ve been a member of, were easy enough to leave because they either fell utterly apart or I moved away physically.

But this one? This one....I just…I out grew.