2022 Tabula Rasa

The Tabula Rasa ritual is one of the very few rituals that I’ve done just about every year since 2003 (I think it was 2003, or maybe 2004). In it, I take stock of everything that has occurred for me over the year – the good and the bad and everything in between.

It’s easy to forget the highlights of the past year. And even some of the darkest points, I forgot about those as well. So going back through my journals, blog, and whatnot, it is good to stop and take stock in everything I have accomplished and/or endured over the past year.

And then....I wipe the slate clean for the new year. I leave all the negative shit in the past year, bringing forward my strengths and accomplishments to root me on in the coming year.

So yeah, 2022 was a shit year for the World.
But for me personally? It was a pretty damn good one.

I mean, sure, I had that suicidal period in June. And fights with my current boss. But honestly? On the whole, when I stop and really take stock? 2022 was a pretty damn good year for me.

I’ve put myself out there and tried new things. I’ve drawn my line in the sand and defended my boundaries. More and more, I am becoming so much more comfortable in my own skin.

So, onwards and upwards into 2023. I’m not “hoping” it will be a kinder, better year. I’m going to MAKE it a kinder, better year.

Ivory Tower

What’s this? TWO entries in one day? What is this insanity?

::laughs::

Eh, I gotta get this out because I’m getting keyed up again.

SO. The library branch I work at is closed for the next 3 weeks. The Higher Ups asked up what two branches we would like to work at while our branch was closed. I picked my Previous Branch (because I wanted to hang out and be snarky with Carly AND could possibly finally meet my adopted Grandma) or TG (because it’s closer to my house AND I know the manager and she’s friggin’ awesome).

Instead…the Higher Ups decided I should report to the Ivory Tower (what Carly and I call the Main Branch)......to the CHILDREN’S FLOOR. For those of you new to the story, I USED to be a children’s librarian. But their head honcho is a major cunt and I ended up switching over to a “regular” librarian AND leaving my Previous Branch. The last thing I want to do is go work on the Children’s Floor at the Ivory Tower. Plus, it’s not like I was really asked. Well, they SAID I could say no....but the way they said that really meant don’t you dare refuse.

So yeah, I get to drive 40 minutes, one goddamn way, IF the traffic is playing nice (which it almost NEVER does), so that I can go work on the children’s floor, even though I am NOT a children’s librarian and haven’t been for almost a year. And I have made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to EVERYONE that I have ZERO desire to work with children in any capacity.

Oye, THREE WEEKS of this shit. ::sighs::

On the upside…one of my long time friends works close to the Ivory Tower and I haven’t seen him in AGES. So we are planning to do lunch at least once and catch up. But yeah, that’s about THE ONLY plus side.

::wanders off, continuing to grumble and bitch about this::

Border-Line Obsessive...

For the past few months now, I’ve been dreaming of my First Crush at least once a week.

And I friggin’ hate it now. I mean, what’s the point? Nothing ever happened between us. I was too chicken shit to say anything. Beyond terrified of rejection, not to mention reject by my First Real Crush.

I’m talking, heart-sick level crushing. Border-line obsessive.

And this was back in middle school and high school. AGES ago. I haven’t even seen him since I left my lil hometown to go to college in The Big City. So we are talking going on 20+ YEARS here. So why the fuck is he constantly walking in my goddamn dreams?

Well, I mean, I’d rather have him in my dreams than psycho-ex, so I guess there’s that benefit.

But it does NOTHING but bring up all that unrequited love feelings.

I will admit, a while back, I did find his wife’s FaceBook profile and scoured through their photos until I could find ones of him. And lemme tell you, he has changed a LOT. But I could immediately tell it was him. (I did mention the border-line obsessive, right?). I ended up blocking her account JUST so I wouldn’t continue to essentially STALK him. ::sighs::

Sometimes it seriously sucks being a friggin’ Scorpio.

NoJoMo #4: What does your typical holiday meal consist of?

NoJoMo #4: What does your typical holiday meal consist of?

Depends.  What holiday are we talking about?  Because what I eat for Easter is different than Valentine's Day which is different from Christmas, which is different from my birthday.  And yes, my birthday IS a holiday for me.  Anyone else that would like to join in on the festivities, this year it begins Nov 10th (my actual birthday) and lasts until Nov 14th.

I will be trying out Tommy Tamales.  I've been following them on Facebook for a year or so, but haven't made it over to try their tamales out just yet.  The photos of their Smothered Tamales never fail to make me drool.  Two tamales (your choice of chicken, beef, vegetarian) smothered in chili and queso.  Oh hell yeah, gonna FEAST on that amazingness.  And since it's my birthday, I'll snag sushi at some point.  Gotta have my yearly dose of all the unagi I can eat.

And then, since it's on my mind, I need to start gathering up all the items I need for New Year's Day meal.  Black-eyed peas, cornbread, greens, and pork are all required items.  Which, I have a recipe that makes a KICK-ASS dip out of the black-eyed peas.  Like, I personally HATE black-eyed peas and would gag down one SINGLE spoonful each New Year's Day.  But this dip, I've made multiple times throughout the year and gladly eat all the black-eyed peas, it is so good.  I'll have to find that recipe and share it.

And for all the rest of the holidays?  Breads and cheeses are the only common thing in all of them.  ::shrugs::  What can I say, I'm a simple girl at times.

Now, ritual days are different.  There's usually wine of some sort or pomegranate juice.  And then as far as food goes, I have a fried honey cake recipe I typically use.  Or fruits, breads, and cheeses.  Seriously, I love me some good bread and cheese.  ::chuckles::

NoJoMo #3: Share your favorite joke

NoJoMo #3: Share your favorite joke.  The sillier, the better!

Eh, I don't really tell jokes?  I mean, my husband and I say things in the moment that are hysterical, but actual jokes?  No, not so much.

So instead, I will recommend that you go watch Sheena Melwani on Facebook and all the clips between her and her father.  Friggin priceless.  And that will give you PLENTY of fabulous dad jokes to last you a good long while.

NoJoMo#2: Your goals for this month

NoJoMo #2: Your goals for this month.

Well, I am so glad you asked! ::chuckles:: This just so happens to be my birthday month, and it is my personal tradition to create a list of birthday goals....one for each year I’m celebrating. So this year, beginning Nov 10th, I will begin on my 41 Goals for my 41st Year. I ALSO set up a goal bingo for each month in my Bullet Journal.

Here’s the photo of that spread for November:

The ones partially highlighted, are ones that are currently in progress. As I complete the goal, it gets fully highlighted as a Win.

NoJoMo #1: Your Self Portrait

So apparently there is a NoJoMo going on right now (November Journal Month) with prompts! So I’m going to work my way through those prompts as well this month.

Prompt #1: Your Self Portrait

A blazing fire, roaring and crackling
Lupine eyes in the night
Fangs and fur and talons galore
Serpent’s venom on her tongue

Breezy and free
Untamed
Artist’s brush upon her breath
Running for the love of it

Moonlight pouring
Down a silver blade
Pomegranate juice and blood
Dancing with the Harpies

Just a woman
But more than “just”
Dangerously brittle
And beguiling fierce

Pull and pulse
Waning
Growing
Universe in her words

Wolf and Woman
Serpent Lady
Child of the Lioness
Me

Hmm, didn’t anticipate a poem to come through. Been ages since I’ve written in verse and I’m a bit rusty. But you know, that just adds to the charm.

In less poetic form, who am I? I am Manitou Wolf, She Who Walks with Wolves.
I am a 6 foot tall Amazon. I speak softly and carry a big stick. And be forewarned, my bite is a thousand times worse than my bark.
I am a Scorpio through and through. Scorpio sun sign. Scorpio rising sign. So I won’t be changing anytime soon. Though, I am in a constant state of transformation.
I am a Texan, though not overly proud of my state. I am descended from Ukrainians, Scots, Danes, Cree, and British. There are Witches and Seers in my lineage. And there are the less desirables there as well – Klan and Confederates – and others I’m sure.
I am Neurodivergent. I’m bipolar, major depressive, anxious, and most likely on the Spectrum in some form. I’m highly creative, highly inquisitive, and love nothing more than to research things that pique my interest.
I am a Librarian. Should have been a Zoologist. But I’m finding my niche and working towards my dreams and desires. Like I said, always in transformation.
I am a Witch. I work with entities that most would tremble before or never approach in their dreams. I walk beside Sekhmet through the red desert. I turn skin and become the Wolf. I soar among the storms with the Harpies. And I call the Great Serpent kin. I am a Keeper of Spirits and a Curse Speaker. But my protection is beyond compare.
I am challenging and a Challenge. I am constantly knocking down my own barriers and walls. And then, I am known to panic and rebuild them in haste.
I am a tough nut to crack. But if you manage to win me over, know that I will go to the ends of the earth for you. Those I call kin and friend, I am you greatest cheerleader and champion.

999

The Power Ball lottery is up to $999m.  I see a huge sign that keeps me up to date with what the lottery is worth on my way to work each day.

This morning, I got to thinking...."If I won, what would I do with my winnings?"

First thing, I would put in my notice at my current job.  I would go back to school to get a degree in zoology/animal conservation/wildlife management.  Then it would be off to various animal sanctuaries to take part in their internships.  And then, I would just apply to the local zoos until I could get a full time job there.  

Oh, I would take all the art classes I could ever want.  Krav Maga classes for damn sure.  I'd finally meet some of my Journaling buddies that I've known for 18+ years.

I'm sure that Hubs would stay at his job.  He enjoys it (most days) and he's one of those who HAS to keep busy.  Plus, he genuinely enjoys helping people.  

MAYBE I could get Hubs to agree about selling our current duplex.  I'm pretty sure if the house I wanted has a large garage, I could get him on board in a heartbeat.  He could have all the tools he wants -- be it house tools or tools for guitars. 

Dark

Hard to believe that in a little over a week, I’ll be turning 41. There were so many times in the past that I never thought I would live this long, so it’s a very big thing for me to celebrate each year that I am alive.

Wow, that sounds so damn dark. ::chuckles softly::

I am still a bit melancholy from Samhain. I couldn’t face the Beloved Dead candle again this year. Some deaths, even years past, are just too painful to sit with at the moment. At some point, I do need to get the candle out, and write down the new Beloved Dead to add to the candle. Maybe doing that in the Spring Time will alleviate the melancholy.

I completed my first ever InkTober. I’m pretty damn pleased with myself on that. I mostly followed tutorials on the various prompts, but I am still very pleased with how well they all turned out. And I’m super stoked to do it again next year. Plus, continuing to sketch and draw and paint between now and then, of course. ::chuckles:: Honestly, I am kind of mad at myself for not picking up the pencil and learning how to draw sooner. I am loving it so much.

I had an interview yesterday at another Library System. It’s closer to my home (though, still NOT the elusive Home City Library), pays more, and there is no Pambie there (nickname for my boss that my husband created). Pambie and I are still having our ups and downs for sure. Sometimes communication is breeze and we get along just fine. And then other times, I swear we are speaking two completely different languages and all we do is butt heads.

April and Kevin came down to visit me and my husband during October. We’ve known each other since the OpenDiary Days and we finally got to meet this year. And it was so awesome. I was very nervous going in, because people usually tell me I am very intimidating and that I come off very unapproachable. But I reminded myself that we’ve been friends for close to two decades now, so she KNOWS me. So once I got my internal chatter to chill the fuck out, I had SO MUCH FUN with them. Lots and lots of things to show them and enjoy and man, I was completely BEAT by the last day they were here in TX. But it was so worth it. So very worth it. Now, it’s my plan to get my butt up to her state at some point, so she can show me all the awesome her state has to offer.

I definitely plan to eventually finish uploading all the photos I took while they were here to my FB page. And EVENTUALLY make an actual photo book of it via Shutterfly. And the awesome part is that April also took a lot of photos, so I can include some of those as well to round everything out.

Witching

Man, I have been getting my Witch-on in a big way here recently.

Work environment got really shitty there for a while with my boss making fun of a lot of my Neurodiverse traits and stimming. This led to me reporting her to HR and the Director on the mundane level. And on the Witchcraft level, I made my first bottle of Hot Foot Powder.

And let me tell you, I had forgotten how strong my witchcraft is. And adding in the spell-casting boost from my Spirit Hoard. Damn. I mean, damn. Even I was stunned with how swift that spell worked. I haven’t even put the Hot Foot Powder in my boss’s office yet. But 30 minutes after I finished burning the candle for this spell, HR called and left me a voicemail. And since then, my boss has been a thousand times nicer. But then again…she’s also been out of the office for most of the week as well. ::chuckles softly:: Yeah, don’t fuck with this Witch.

Next up on the agenda was making a set of Spirit Dice. I first saw them in the movie Insidious 2. Basically, they are a set of 16 dice with various letters written on them. You cup them in your hand, ask your question, shake them up, and then roll them out on the table. The answers will be spelled out by the dice. Kind of like Spirit Scrabble.

Mary sent me a print out that had what letters were on what dice. So of course, I thought this would make for a fabulous new divination tool to try out. I snagged some small blank wooden dice from Amazon and got to work on them today – woodburning the letters into each of the dice. I made a set for myself, and a set for a dear friend, April.

Don’t they look gorgeous:

I love how they look like they are carved out of bone because of how pale the wood is. I haven’t decided if I’ll use any of my magickal oils on the dice? Or leave them as is? Or maybe a wood sealant? But whatever I use, I definitely want to keep the pale color of the wood. I really like that.

The Original and the Ajatar

Few things bring me as much joy as making magical oils and that other people enjoy them as well.

Abramelin Oil is a fairly standard Biblical holy oil. I know, an unusual oil for me to make. But months back, in a dream, my Ajatar spirit (who is certainly not Biblical or holy) specifically requested this oil. And what the Ajatar wants, the Ajatar gets.

So as I was gathering up the oils and whatnot to make this oil, she then added one extra oil to the recipe, to make it hers. Hence, the two different Abramelin Oils in the picture. The Original and the Ajatar version.

My angel spirits love the Original Abramelin oil. And the Ajatar and the black dragon spirits love the Ajatar version. ::chuckles:: Ah the joys of Spirit Keeping.

Bipolar Brains

There needs to be more research into how Bipolar brains work.  Like how there is research into how Autistic brains work and how to work WITH them and all that jazz.

With Bipolar and Depressive brains, all the research is focused on combating suicidal tendencies.  Which, yes, is definitely needed.  But that isn’t the entirety of our being.  Bipolar and Depressive brains also are wired differently than “Normal” brains, and I wish there was more research into that.  What our strengths are.  What we can bring to the table as positives, because I KNOW we have a ton of positives.  I just hate that we are pigeon-holed with the suicide as the MAIN FOCUS.  Sometimes the SOLE focus.  And we are just SO MUCH MORE.

I did one of those online tests about autism as I’m beginning to suspect that I have some of those traits.  It pegged me along the Asperger spectrum (which is an outdated term that autistics do NOT use).  And while I would love to get an actual diagnoses, that shit runs around $3k.  And that’s too rich for my blood right now, to test for something, that honestly, I may not even have.  But I’ve gone ahead and requested some autistic books, written BY autistic authors, on how they operate in the normal world.  I figure if nothing else, maybe I can pick up some tips and tricks that might just work for me.

I’m also working on a list of things that I know right now that I need at work to function better.  The communication between my boss and I is hit and miss at best.  And when it’s a miss, she is supremely frustrated, which manifests as her acting like I’m stupid.  Which is one of my biggest pet peeves – so I become extremely defensive and belligerent, which does not make for a good working relationship what-so-ever.  So once I get that sorted this week – we have our quarter employee meeting this coming week, so I figure that’s the best time to lay those out on the table, as I’m sure she’s going to bring up some of these issues as well, hopefully we can get to a more stable understanding of each other.

For the most part, I adore my job and my work environment.  I really enjoy most of my coworkers 95% of the time, which is really high for me.  I am striving to speak up sooner when something bothers me, instead of keeping quiet and letting it fester until I’m pissed the fuck off and blow up.

Brain Weasels

Ok, brain weasels are out in full force, so this may be all over the damn place. So, I apologize in advance if nothing make sense, or it goes totally off the rails. But, just in case, Yes, I am safe. No I am not a danger to myself or to others. Good? Good. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Oh my lort, I randomly stumbled across the book Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things, by Jenny Lawson, and absolutely FELL IN LOVE with her, with her style of writing, with her zest for living, and with her ability to put my mental struggles and just my day-to-day-ness of living in my head, down on paper. I immediately recommended it to my Mom so she could have a general concept of what is going on in my head most of the time. She’s a neurotypical, so while she’s come to really understand how to work with my neurodiverse brain, she doesn’t know what it’s like to actually BE neurodiverse. I have since recommended it to a ton of other people who are currently reading it as well. And I ordered a hardback copy for myself (I read it as an e-book through the Library), because this is a book I am going to reread and highlight and scribble notes in and all of that. And, since Jenny Lawson is a TEXAN, I’m keeping an eye out so that when she does another book tour, I can take that marked up copy to have her sign.

But I will warn you. If you read this book (and you TOTALLY should, regardless of where you fall on the neuro-spectrum, there is a TON of great information in there and it’s SO FUCKING HILARIOUS), DO NOT eat or drink while reading this book. Her humor will catch you off guard and you WILL choke and/or spray said food and/or drink everywhere. Even though my brain works fairly similar to the author’s brain, she would still catch me with a left hook I never even saw coming, and I would be curled up under my desk with my hands clapped over my mouth, struggling not to ugly cackle about something utterly INSANELY HILARIOUS she’s said. Legit DANGEROUS to eat or drink while reading anything she’s written. But so fucking worth it.

So yeah, brain weasels – they are not playing nice this week at all. Anxiety and paranoia are running pretty high and brain is trying its damnedest to spiral down. So I’ve been focusing on a lot of zentangle type of art. It tends to soothe my brain weasels and give them something to focus on OTHER than being a total dick. But yeah, when I’m NOT hyperfocused on something, shit gets real dark, real fast in my headspace. Ah, the joys of chemical imbalances in the brain. I should probably talk to my doctor about increasing one or more (or all?) of my meds. Because that’s the other fun part of mental disorders…they “evolve”. Bastards. So of course, this means your medication regiment as to evolve and change and adapt as well.

Ah, fun news – Hubs built me some shelves for my working altar. It’s originally a desk and had this open area in the center for a computer screen or laptop, but that was just wasted space since I do not have any of that there. So I wanted some shelves there to hold candles and oils and other witchy paraphernalia. There was MUCH cussing involved, and Josey pup and I spent most of the time outside to avoid said cussing, but holy damn, the shelves turned out better than I had hoped. And, because Hubs made it, I know it will take an act of god to actually destroy them. ::laughs:: That man can slap shit together and it will be the strong shit you’ve ever seen!

Now I’m excited to really begin decorating that area and making it actually USEFUL. I found a lamp that I plan to get for that area, as my room is quite dark. And I’m hoping to start filming some YouTube videos there soon. And I want to set up specific areas for each of my Spirit helpers.

But the really cool thing? I had to clear that area out big time, so that Hubs would have the space to maneuver and drill and all that jazz, and I LOVE the space and clearness of it now. So yeah. I plan to clear out the rest of the altar area, dust it, bless it, and then make serious decisions on what I will be bringing back into that space.

Ok-ish

Ok, as of Thursday, I have heard from all family and friends in Ukraine.  Most are out already.  But one family decided to stay.  They were in Odesa originally, when it was first attacked – a Dad (whom I am friends with), a Mom, a 17 year old son, and a 15 year old daughter.  Technically, the mother and daughter could have left Ukraine.  But they are Jews – they have no extended family to go to.  And to say that Poland doesn’t exactly elicit warm fuzzy feelings for them is an understatement.  The father and son would be required to stay and fight.  So, as a family, they decided to face the One Unknown together, than Two Unknowns separated – they are headed to Kyiv to all fight.  And I understand their desire to stay together – the real fear of separation – the fear of part of your family being sent off to Poland.  I get that.  And my heart breaks that THIS is a choice they’ve had to make – to have to lead your children into war.  But I respect that, and I am praying HARD for them daily.

So yeah, if you are asking if I’m ok – don’t.  Because I’m not.  I’m holding it all together, don’t get me wrong.  But yeah, I’m a fragile mess right now.

Hubs and his mom are doing well.  They had a rough patch yesterday, as that’s when his mom brought home George’s ashes.  Kind of really solidified his death fully.  You can’t pretend now that he’s still at the hospital or anything like that.  But other than that, they are both doing quite well.  We’re planning to hopefully go up there in May for a week or so.  We were HOPING to go in April, but apparently that is the month that most of my coworkers are taking vacations and with me being the newest one to their team, they get first dibs.  So May it is.

Yeah, I think I may go into some serious filtering of my social medias.  If you surround yourself with a shit ton of people who are utter garbage…it really makes me question why the fuck I’m friends with you.  And right now, if you have a bulk of Putin apologists as friends?  Why the fuck would I want to be around someone who caters to that?