Photo of the day:
Cake in a mug! Woohoo! ::chuckles::
So today is my 11th anniversary of being self-injurious behavior free. I.E. I used to be a cutter. It was my way of dealing with stressors in my life at the time. I’ve since learned “healthier” coping mechanisms. I won’t say “better” because the cutting kept me safe from active suicide attempts. And it kept me sane in a very unstable point in my life.
And then, one day, I just turned my back on it. I elected not to self-harm that day. And then the next. And so on, for four thousand, fifteen days now. After a few years of being self-injurious free, but still battling the desire to engage in some form of self-harm daily, I said to myself that I would consider myself “recovered” when I celebrated a decade free. ::laughs:: I am so glad I did not know then what I know now. A decade free of self-harm, and there are days that I battle the impulse multiples times a day. I can go months without feeling the pull. And then there a months that I’m wanting to harm multiple times. If I had known that I would never be truly free of it, I don’t think I would have ever stopped. Though, if I had known that I would have this impulse for ages, maybe I would have sought out a different way, and never started self-harming. Fuck. Knowing me back then? I probably would have been so arrogant to believe I could beat it whenever I wanted to. ::laughs:: Ah, I miss 20s me. Well, parts of 20s me.
Anyways. So back to today. Hazel Nut has resurfaced. I kept my distance, though let her know that I was available to talk, should she ever want it. And so she asked me to call her today. And we talked for a good thirty minutes, catching up on all that has changed in the 6 months or so that she went recluse. So much has changed for her. Hopefully for the better. But I leave her to her decisions. It is her life and she’s the one who must walk it, must live it. I will give council when required, but for now, I am not to interfere. Besides, she’s as stubborn and bull-headed as I was at that age. Nothing I could say will sway her until she is ready to be swayed. And if things are going as well as she says they are? Then she is content to stay.
David got home stupid late. It really pissed me off. I wanted him to come home and we could eat and watch our show and just relax. But he elected to stay late at work. I’m sure he did not remember why today was important to me. Though, in the past, he made the comment once that he didn’t understand why I would celebrate this anniversary and he would have thought it was something I would want to forget (that I used to engage in self-harm). So I’m sure it wasn’t anything personal, but boy was I all grumbly and snarky all night at him.
I know for next year, that this day is all mine. I will do whatever my lil heart wants to do to celebrate another year without self-injurious behavior. I will not hinge it on my husband being there to celebrate it with me.
Which I feel I have to explain, because I don’t want people thinking the worst of my husband. It was a thoughtless comment made by a person who had never been tempted to engage in self-injurious behavior. He also has Asperger’s and thus, is hyper-rational most of the time. So for someone who goes out of his way NOT to get hurt because it’s painful, he couldn’t begin to understand why I would purposely harm myself. And then beyond that, he couldn’t understand why I would celebrate an anniversary revolving around it. Once I explained that it is like the recovering alcoholic celebrating each year of sobriety, he could grasp the understanding. It still doesn’t fully sink in because the self-harm isn’t a behavior he’ll ever truly understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment