Avoiding

Avoidance is the name of the game.

And that game is called "what Manitou Wolf does when the going gets tough". 

Yeah, if avoiding shit was an Olympic sport, I'd hit the gold EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

So seeing as how I'm planning on turning over a new leaf -aka- going back to grad school to get OUT of child care -end aka- I figure, why not change this as well?

So yeah, what is it that I'm avoiding right now?  Or, let's even back it up a moment and talk about what I've been avoiding for almost a month now?

Ok, so Avoidance #1 -- I saw my grandmother over Thanksgiving.  And she gave me the absolutely sweetest compliment I think I have ever received.  She just gazed and me and whispered "You are just GORGEOUS" and continued to stare raptly at me.

So why am I avoiding that?  Because she had absolutely no idea who I was.  This is the woman who instilled her love of mythology in me (I've come into possession of some of her research papers on various mythologies that I plan to read at a later date), who instilled a love of science, who nurtured my adoration of wildlife, who taught me how to do so much.......and she doesn't even remember my face. 

My mom had been telling me how bad she was getting, so it's not like it was brand new to me.  But it's one thing to hear it....but a completely different thing to experience it. 

And it plays directly into my biggest fear in life....losing my mind and ending up committed.

And Avoidance #2 -- the untimely death of one of my absolute best friends back in high school.  Today would have been his 34th birthday if he hadn't of passed away on Wednesday.  That type of shit hits you hard in the gut....it's one hell of a sucker punch.  The funeral is Monday, but I won't be going.

I can justify it by saying that this is the last week before the students let out for Winter Break, so shit is crazier than normal (and it's normally pretty damn crazy).  I can say that I won't do that to my staff when I can't even guarantee they'll get a sub for me that day because it's such short notice.  I can even say it's because I'm having to get all my aides' mid-year evaluations done by the 18th, and I've got an evaluation Monday through Thursday already lined up.  I have a thousand and one, honest-to-god justifications as to why I cannot make it to Danny's funeral.  But that's avoiding the meat of the situation.

I do not want to face his death just yet.  And I certainly have no real desire to face his death while surrounded by our classmates....most of whom I have had zero contact with once I graduated high school and fled to Dallas for college.

So instead, the next time I'm down in my lil hometown, I'll make a trip to the cemetery to pay my respects.  Now that I think of it, I don't believe I've ever been to my hometown's cemetery. All the funerals I've been to have been out at the tiny country "town" my grandparents lived in.