Panic

written: October 17

Photo 565/1001



I may or may not have purchased a dragon journal at the Book Fair at the elementary school my after school program is based out of.
And the feathers are a gift from a Pagan pen-pal that arrived today.

Yeah, so Wyatt, one of my students, was showing me his awesome dragon journal today that he got that the Book Fair. I may or may not have audibly gasped before asking him to show me where it was. And my students couldn’t believe I was actually buying the dragon journal for myself. ::laughs:: Honestly, I’m thinking it could make for a cool dream or spell work journal.

Yeah, I was supposed to go to the CPI training this morning. But right when I got to the building the training would be at…I fucking PANICKED. I’m guessing it’s because I don’t really WANT to do the damn class…and that it is in a building I’ve never been in….and would be full of people I didn’t know…and I REALLY didn’t want to be touched, and that’s kind of the point of learning physical restraints. But yeah, I broke out in a sweat and I could feel my heart rate double in the matter of seconds.

It’s been years since I’ve had a panic reaction at that level. Though honestly, with as burnt out and worn out as I’ve been for this YEAR…it shouldn’t have surprised me one bit. I just don’t have the emotional/mental reserves to keep my anxiety in check right now. And this morning visibly demonstrated that to me. And the thing is? I don’t know how to fix this right now.

I need to get my campus back under control (well, better control than it currently is).
I need to do the other blood tests for my Doctor. But that requires money. That I don’t currently have.
I need to get a full time job, or at least another part-time job that will allow me to keep the after school program (because, hello, I need health insurance).
I need to get my butt into therapy, but that requires money. That again, I don’t currently have.
Same for seeing a chiropractor.

I need like a week or two of vacation. But yeah…money again. ::sighs::