Not What I Had in Mind

Definitely NOT what I had in mind when I wrote my previous entry about “letting go”.

But that seems to be the running theme of 2020, doesn’t it?

I received the news today that my longtime journaling friend, Ray, passed away this morning due to COVID.

I knew it was coming. He was 70+ years old. He’s battled and BEATEN colon cancer twice. He was a gay man FIGHTING for the right to simply EXIST throughout most of his life.

And this year, he’s been in and out of the hospital more times than the all the years I’ve known him combined.

And I just knew, when his sister said he was in the hospital with COVID....I knew he wasn’t coming back this time. I knew it in my heart, even as I fought to remain optimistic. Hell, I couldn’t even muster up the energy to light a candle for healing. Because I simply knew.

Annie, another longtime journaling friend, reached out to me last night, to touch base and see how I was holding up. And man, it was like the flood gates just opened up for me. Admitting it out loud brought so many tears. And, even with her carrying the entire world on her exhausted shoulders, she asked what she could do to support me during this time. Beyond touched and humbled and so deeply, deeply grateful. I bawled like a baby. I only said that I wished I didn’t have to go to work the next day, because I was sure I would be getting notification that he passed. BUT that if I didn’t go to work, then I would just sit at home, dwelling and compulsively checking for updates – and that had already trashed my mental health for that day. So going to work would give me something else to focus on.

Yeah. I got the notification at 10:15 am at work, that Ray had passed. I was out on desk at the time, but thankfully there were no patrons in my area. I covered my face and swallowed my tears. I calmly packed up all my stuff and sought out Paul, our supervisor on Saturdays. (I really should do a break down on my coworkers and various supervisors). I told him that I had just been told that a dear friend had passed from COVID and that I needed to go home. I got choked up at the end of that.

I made it to my car before I broke down completely. I had to sit in my car for a good 10 minutes before I could get myself under control enough to drive home.

I wish I could have spent some time with my geese army. But I just needed to get home and curl up and work through my grief as it comes.