Wheeeee

Man, my mental health this month has been one hell of a wild ass roller coaster ride.  It's been up and down and loopy-loop and just all over the damn place.  I've been disassociating two different ways -- either like I'm just watching myself going about my day, without any control over what my body is doing, or I'm losing complete chunks of time that I have ZERO clue what happened during that time period.  Anxiety has been through the roof.  There have been days I've taken to snapping a rubber band on my wrist for a multitude of reasons -- either to keep me from engaging in serious self-injury, or to bring me back to reality, or to make sure I'm not disassociating and that I CAN feel something.  Like seriously, guys, I'm NOT doing good here.

Add onto all of this, my great Aunt Carlene passed away this week from cancer.  We knew it was coming, so it's not a surprise.  And I wasn't particularly close to her either.  Honestly, I wasn't even planning on going to the funeral this weekend, but I haven't seen my Mom since....January?  Maybe February of this year?  And honestly, I seriously just want to see my Mom and hang out with her.  She's awesome.  And with me having this weekend off from work, it just works out.  So I'm going to my lil Hometown for the funeral, but mostly to see my Mom. 

Which...sadly, means I won't be doing the Coven Samhain.  I'm seriously bummed about this.  And honestly, I could feasibly make it back in time to attend the ritual.  But holy hell, I have like zero energy and I am running 100% on fumes, caffeine and nicotine and sheer will at this point.  After working all week.  And then driving 3.5 hours to Lil Hometown to do the funeral and hanging out with family.  And then driving back 3.5 hours HOME...driving 45 minutes to go do ritual?  Yeah....like, I was almost in tears just thinking about it because I'm THAT exhausted.

So yeah...sadly, I won't be doing the Coven Samhain.  But I seriously HAVE to take care of myself here.  I'm so close to completely shattering it's downright scary.  So I let the Coven know.  And honestly, the High Priestess was trying to talk me into still coming.  Acting like there was no reason I COULDN'T still come.  ::sighs::  And I get it.  We haven't had an in person ritual since February, but holy hell.  It was kind of insensitive to be honest.  Like, I told them the reason I couldn't be there was because I would be out of town for a FUNERAL.  And she was all like "how far away do you have to travel for it" and then was like, "oh you could totally make it back in time".  

Don't get me wrong.  It's nice that she's that keen about me being there.  But, I felt like everything I was going through and enduring and battling was just being swept aside as not important.  Or at least not as important.  And I haven't been exactly shy about posting what I'm going through on Facebook.  So yeah, I may be a little extra sensitive right now, but it just really rubbed me the wrong way and I've been a bit extra grumpy about it.  ::shrugs::  Welcome to my head-space.

 But in other news, I FINALLY did call and make an appointment with a shrink.  Woohoo go me!  I LOATHE making phone calls.  I will seriously go out of my way to NOT make a phone call if at all humanly possible.  But I did the hard thing, made the phone call, and I have my first appointment on Halloween.  ::laughs::  Of course it would be on Halloween of all days.  Granted, I COULD have gotten one on 27th....but it was an 8 am appointment.  Yeah, no thank you.  ::chuckles::  The Halloween appointment is at 10 am, which is a far more reasonable time of day.  Plus it still gives me the rest of the day to enjoy Samhain.