Ghost Acorn

written: Oct 30th

I had kept the four acorns that I took a photo of, when I was talking about the Monster Acorn (later named Godzilla Acorns) back on October 15th. I knew that eventually I would return them to the wilds and today happened to be that day. It just felt right.

I took Holly on a walk, walking on the opposite side from our typical route, just to change things up a bit, and I came across this awesome acorn just hanging out in the middle of the sidewalk. All perfect, with a rather strange white color to it, with its cap still perfectly on. I knew it was a gift to me. So I picked up and carried with me on my walk, as I released the other four acorns back into the wooded area. And I wondered why I would have this Ghost Acorn pick me and what was I expected to DO with it?

I kept rolling it between my fingers, marveling at its smooth beauty and quietly asking it what was I supposed to do with it.

And the quiet voice inside simply stated, “Plant me. Nurture me.”

And immediately I thought to myself, “I live in a an apartment. What the hell am I going to do with a damn OAK TREE?”

The quite voice simply stated again, “Plant me. Nurture me.”

And I figure, why the hell not? It’s not like I’m going to be living in a an apartment all my life. And it would be kind of cool to nurture this lil Ghost Acorn into an awesome oak tree and be able to plant that in the yard whenever we DO get a house.

And given that this is a very pretty acorn, I wouldn’t mind having it around. And if I ever get around to teaching myself how to leech out the toxins in acorns so that I can use it to make acorn flour....this would be a GREAT tree to harvest from. Large and plentiful acorns that have a white coloration to them, which makes them very easy to spot in the dead grass and leaves.

I will need to look into how to properly sprout an acorn, as I want to give this lil guy the best fighting chance possible.

I found this How To Plant an Acorn on the Seeds for the Future Website. I will park the link here so I can come back to it later. I don’t think it a good idea to plant something NEW so close to Samhain – a Sabbat mostly focused on the harvest and the dead. Maybe I will plant the Ghost Acorn on my birthday (November 10th). Sounds like a good idea to me.

Thankful Thursday

written: Oct 29th

I am thankful:

1.  absolutely breath-takingly gorgeous not-quite Full Moon I saw rising this evening.  Just beautiful.

2. I just might be able to have both of my grad courses as web-based.  That would certainly make my life a bit easier.

3.  second jack-o-lantern turned out awesome.  And I cannot wait to eat the pumpkin seeds.

4.  tomorrow is a double pay day for me -- one of the rare times that both jobs align and both paychecks hit my bank account on the same day.

5.  the awesome "Spooky Town" David set up in the living room, next to the tv.  I love that he so enjoys decorating for the various holidays.  I do need to get photos of his "Spooky Town" set up.

6.  that this week was MUCH calmer than last week.  Thank all that is holy for that miracle.

7. finally starting to deep clean my art territory.  I need some good clear space to work on for next month's personal challenge of doing at least one art journal page a day.

8.  having all these awesome photos of me from my childhood and slowly sharing them on Facebook.  ::chuckles::

9.  uncovered a letter from a distant family member to my maternal Grandmother that gave me a TON of information on her side of the family.  It's completely blown the top off in my genealogy project.  I am finally finding all that information I was wanting on that part of the family.

10.  awesome detailed coloring sheets Ridley (a student) shared with us and graciously let me make copies of.  Can't wait to start coloring those. 

So yeah, like I briefly touched on in Thankful #9, I came across a letter from a distant cousin (I think) of my grandmother, that had be doing her own genealogy research on the Scottish side of the family.  It had dates and locations and so many names that I was able to plug into my own family tree.  And that part of the tree grew from just 9 individuals to well over 90 now.  And I'm still finding a ton more.  Talk about making a lil genealogy nerd giddy!  ::laughs::  I am toying with the idea of writing to this lady and, after explaining who I am, thanking her for the information she shared and offer up all the information I currently have on the family, if she's interested.  If I'm going to do that, I need to do it sooner rather than later.  I'm sure grad school is going to kick the crap out of me.  ::laughs::

Classes, Crickets & Bats

written: Oct 28th

Alright, so I have officially registered for my two GRADUATE classes. Now the panic has officially set it. ::laughs:: My brain is screaming “what the HELL did we just sign up for?” Oye. I’m sure I’ll ask myself that multiple times between now and when I finally finish the damn degree. Onwards though! Always onwards.

There is a slight confusion though. I was pretty sure that both classes I signed up for were web-based, but the INFO 5000 says that it meets on Tuesday nights. While I could make that work, I would rather not lose 2 hours of work each Tuesday. I’m already cutting out working at Starbucks, so I won’t have that extra monetary cushion. I’ve sent an email to my advisors asking for clarification. Hopefully there is an online one that I can so, so I’m not losing so much time off my paycheck. Just gotta keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best!

Elizabeth E. (an old high school buddy) had shared over the summer about her feeding crickets to her Youth Group and I KNEW I just had to do that with my students. I picked up four boxes of Crick-ettes at the Abilene Zoo the last time I was down there. I had NO idea they would be such a huge hit with the kids. Seriously, I had students that were UPSET because they didn’t get a cricket! ::laughs:: I should have know better! But I’ve found a place I can order them on-line for about half the price. And the website has a Bacon & Cheddar flavored ones (we only had Salt & Vinegar and Sour Cream & Onion flavored crickets).

And because I know inquiring minds want to know....yes, I did indeed eat a cricket. Two actually – one of each flavor. And honestly, they weren’t that bad. Very dry and flaky, but not horrible tasting. So yeah, the plan is to purchase more next month – and hopefully each of my students that want to try a cricket can. ::chuckles:: That should cut down on the whining! ::grins and winks:: I’m going to have to remember to do this each year around Halloween. I think it would make for a great fun “tradition” at the After School Program.

I like making silly little traditions like this. In October we also decorate bats. I trace a bat outline on cardstock and then the students are allowed to decorate them however they please. I’ve got all sorts of Marvel superhero based Bats, along with some Pokemon ones and even a Texas A&M one. ::laughs:: The kids just love it and look forward to it each year. I think I may try to figure out something similar to that to do for each month.

Change

written: Oct 26th

To Do:

* register for classes

* finish the NaJoWritMo challenge

* carve the pumpkin and roast the seeds

* celebrate Samhain

* decide if I'm making an appointment with my doctor about continuing my sleeping meds

* Full Moon celebration

So apparently I have some "Hold" on my college account from way back in 2008 -- when I was thinking of getting a second bachelors in Photography.  I ended up not going because the University of North Texas's photography program was terribly out of date (ONLY taught analog photography, NO digital at that point).  Only fitting it comes back to bite me now.  ::sighs::  So I will have to call the Registrar's Office tomorrow morning and hope it's an easy fix.  THEN I am just waiting on my Advisor to approve my two courses and I am golden.  ::laughs::  How many times have I said that, though?

I am having a slight Mid-Life Crisis (though, maybe it's just a late Quarter-Life crisis?).  I am a little snippy about working at Starbucks currently, at my age.  Mostly, I hate the judginess I feel from other people when they hear I am working two jobs -- and one of those jobs being a shitty-ass-barely-above-minimum-wage job.  ::sighs::  I am just tired of my "career" path as it currently stands (non-existent).

I am NOT disappointed in the 19 years I have done in child care.  I have loved the vast majority of it and I certainly love my students and will be quite sad when it comes time to leave them.  But I won't be a public teacher (and I have the utmost respect for those who do teach) so I am more than ready for a change of pace.  Not to mention I am ready to be earning paychecks along the lines of what my husband makes.  ::laughs::  Or at least, a LOT more than what I currently make!

Saturday Jabberings

written: Oct 24th

Damn, I just did not want to write at all.  I have avoided it like the plague since Wednesday.  The two jobs were just bat-shit insane and I am utterly wrung out.  And then all the rain and storms blew in from Hurricane Patricia.

Supposedly Hurricane Patricia is the largest ever recorded.  I certainly am glad I am nowhere near her path of destruction -- I am sure it is going to be terrible.  But I am grateful for the rain.  It is very soothing to my very exhausted spirit.

Starbucks boss Shands text me to remind me about our wonderful "mandatory" store holiday meeting this Wednesday.  I laughed out loud before deleting it.  Shands already knows I won't be at the meeting.  I figure right now, I would do best to fly under the radar with that job.  There's no sense in stirring the pot.  I figure I am so damn close to the breaking point, and if I am pushed once more, I am gone.

I submitted my schedule advisory form earlier today for Grad School.  Hopefully they will be quick at approving it.  I will be taking the first two of three required courses for the Master's program.  After that, I get to choose what classes I feel will be best for me.  I am so ready to get this damn show on the road.  I just hope this enthusiasm sustains me throughout this next semester.  I am sure it's going to utterly thrash me, but hopefully in a good way!

I am still plugging away at the genealogy stuff.  It's become soothing to check on the "Smart Matches" -- matches between individuals within my family tree and the same individual (most of the time) in other family trees.  I can then fill in the blanks that I may have for those individuals, plus find other relatives of that individual.  I am just loving it.  Currently my oldest documented relative was born in 1360!  It is staggering to realize I can trace back through a very twisted family tree to Rose, who was born 621 years BEFORE me!  AWESOME!

Kinana'skomitin

My dearest on-line buddy, Ray, shared the above photo and inspiration earlier this evening on FaceBook (guess it IS good for something....sometimes ::grins and winks::). And damn, did I EVER need to hear that?

I am so grateful that the Divine doesn’t give up when it appears I’ll never hear the message It is sending my way due to my own bone-headed-ness. I am grateful for the INFINITE patience Divinity continues to show me (along with the epic Bitch Slaps Upside the Head, that I MORE than earn). ::laughs::

I was walking Holly earlier and was all up in my head. As I approached the “Godzilla Acorn Tree” (as Kimberly dubbed it, upon seeing the MONSTER acorns that tree produces), I immediately thought to myself, “I better wake the fuck up before I get beamed by one of those acorns again.” And sure enough, a Godzilla acorn fell a few feet in front of me. ::laughs::

Again and again and again, I am being shown the message that while all this crap matters in this single moment, on the grand scale of things....it does not matter.

Sure, I hate working at Starbucks. And most of the time, it’s borderline abuse. But I have my Liberation Date in mind (December 16th), and only have 21 more work shifts until that Liberation Date. When I didn’t have the Liberation Date, and that job was just stretching on until eternity…it just made life so much worse. But with the end date in sight…and that I’ve even begun my count down to it…I can survive this. And in the end, the extra $700 or so, that I’ll earn between now and then? That will pay for a repair I need done on my car. THAT is why I’m still going. And honestly, in 5 years, none of this will matter. All of it will have faded like a bad dream that I can easily put behind me.

Yes, I am hating having to jump through so many hoops for college. But guess what? I AM GOING TO GET MY MASTERS DEGREE. What are a few hoops in the grand scheme of THAT? I am waiting for Department Approval so that I can register for the two classes I want. And then I will probably still be waiting for Financial Aid to get its butt in gear. But, while that all sucks right now in the moment, I know once I cross those hurdles, it’ll all be ok. Classes will be a whole ‘nother bear, but, hey. One hurdle at a time, please!

Tonight is the Full Hunter’s Moon and she is GLORIOUS. I opted to pamper the shit out of myself. I used a nice hair mask, so I know my hair is going to be gorgeous and soft and not all over the place tomorrow and the next day. I busted out the aromatherapy sugar scrubs from Bath & Body Works and lathered up, neck to feet. And now, I’m sitting here, basking in the glow of a happy body that smells like mint. So relaxed.

And another cool thing that I can thank Ray for....when I posted this original photo, the first word that sprang to my mind was the Lakota “pilamaya” – simply, a deep, heartfelt thank you. Which then got me to thinking…why use the Lakota word when I’ve found proof that I have (very distant) Cree ancestors? Why not use THEIR word? So I went looking for what it would be…and I found on YouTube, A First Nation’s Language Speak Circle for the Plains Cree language. I don’t know if there is a major difference between the Plains Cree dialect and the Swampy Cree (my Ancestors), but I thought, “How awesome is it that I can learn a least a piece of the language?”

So thank you, Ray, for sharing the message that you admit you needed to hear as well.
Thank you for that, because it brought about a shift I needed today.
It reminded me of Hawk’s continuous message to me – You have to let go of the bull shit that is weighting you down if you ever plan to take to the skies.
And because of all of this, I have found some YouTube tutorials on the Cree language.

So Ray, kinana’skomitin.
(means I thank you in Cree)

Arrogance

::curls up into a tiny little ball::  Oh my god. When will I ever learn to NOT tempt the gods with my arrogance and MOUTH????  Oy VEY!  I get so caught up in my own self-righteousness and arrogance, and thus Sekhmet walks straight up to me and bitch-slaps me mid-bragging-sentence.  Holy hell.  I think I have whiplash from this last one!

Ok, so Arrogant Wolf Part 1 -- I got all puffed up with myself while taking a shower Monday night.  Putting down others in my mind because they want to find "signs" and "lessons" in every little thing that occurs in their life.  Like they can't accept that sometimes, shitty things JUST happen.  And then I got to mentally mouthing off about the Fluffy Pagans and how seeing a coyote is not just seeing a coyote, but coming in contact with The Coyote (totem) and how it must mean something major!  And my arrogance steeped over into the whole "oh but I don't do that.  I know when a coyote is just a coyote.  It's awesome to see one, but not every single thing has some deeper meaning." 

Tuesday driving home, I was sitting at a stop light waiting for it to turn green, when some movement caught my eye.  A red-tailed hawk had flown up to a telephone poll about 15 feet away from me.  So I'm sitting there just enjoying the hawk, and she dives down, looking like she's going to fly directly into my car, before opening her wings at the last minute and soaring inches above the top of my car.  Seriously, if I had had my window down, I could have touched her as she soared over.  And the goosebumps that broke out all over my body and the way my heart leaped for joy in that moment?  Guess that was a sign that sometimes (ok, a LOT of the time), I am chocked full of bullshit.  So while I may not be doing for any deeper meaning in the moment, I cannot deny that the moment was profound.  And on the heels of that realization, I could hear a soft, but undeniable chuckle in my ear from Sekhmet.

And Arrogant Wolf Part 2 -- I decided that I'm going to work at Starbucks until December, but once January started, I was the fuck out of there.  I made all these great justifications for staying in this incredibly shitty job.

And I damn near walked out today, while flipping them off, and telling them to go fuck themselves. I've put up with a lot of abuse, a lot of shitty managers (that can't manage to save their lives), a horrible cooperate structure, and not to mention pay that is a complete and utter JOKE, but there have only been a handful of days that I found myself standing in the back, debating if I was walking out in that moment or if I would suck it up.  And today?  I stood back there for a solid 10 minutes debating. 

I opted to stay.  But even now, an hour after my shift ended, I am still questioning that decision.  I'm sure that if I had a shift tomorrow, I would have walked.  But given that I don't go back until Sunday, gives me a bit of a breather.

So why do I stay?  The little extra money here and there is nice.  I won't deny that.  And given that I do have an end date in sight, gives me a bit more relief to soldier on through.  The employee discount is nice (30% off of everything), plus the free drinks and food item while I'm on my shift, AND the free pound of coffee every week are nice as well.  And the 401 (k) plan I have through them, Starbucks is currently matching my contribution dollar-for-dollar.  I'm putting in 20% of my paycheck currently, just to take advantage of that free money.  I'll need to talk to Fidelity soon to see what I need to do to protect that when I do quit Starbucks.

Damn Hippies

written: Oct 20th

Man, I have just coasted through this month.  I can't believe it's already the 20th.

I need to sit down and make a handful of goals to accomplish in November.  Before I know it, the year will be over, and other than getting into college, what have I truly accomplished?

Paula (a good friend) came out to my campus today at the after school program, to sub in for one of my aid's that's out for the month.  And we got to talking about me getting into grad school and how I'm hoping to be a librarian, though, if we were talking super dream jobs, I would love to work with historical manuscripts.

And she cut me off and said I should go for what makes me happy.  The money will come later.  And then asked honestly, how much money do I need to make?  And blah, blah, blah. 

I mean, I know she's coming from a good place.  And I know she only wants what is best for me, but I am so tired on the same standard Hippy answer.  I have coasted this far in life.  I am quite pleased with what I've accomplished on so little money.  But I'm ready for a change. 

Besides, she's still trying to convince me to come work at the Chinese school with her.  She wants me to teach English (like grammar and writing, not the actual language).  And while most of the time, I have no problem doing a job because it pays decently, I really, REALLY do not want to teach.  I can't explain it, but I just shudder at the thought of teaching.  Which is hilarious, given that I've been working in child care for almost 2 decades now.  ::shrugs::  But it is what it is, and I just don't want to do that at all. 

And then, add in, that it would be my THIRD job.  And that Saturdays are the ONLY day that I have 100% off to myself.  So yeah.  Thanks, but hell fucking no thanks.  ::laughs::

Starbucks Babble

written: Oct 19th

Shands (my Starbucks' boss) is a little less than pleased with me.  He scheduled everyone do to this store meeting for the "Holiday Promotion Info" for next Wednesday 5 pm - 7 pm, over in Carrollton.  Which, the location really isn't that big of an issue.  It's about 10 minutes from my apartment.  But the thing is, is that he's scheduled this meeting when I have my after school program job -- I don't get off until 6:30, and by that point, traffic makes that simple 10 minute drive into 20 (and that's being super optimistic).  So he's trying to convince me that I need to come in on a Saturday or a Sunday to do the store meeting instead.  It was so hard not to just blurt out "Well, it's not like I'm going to be here much longer" and just let the cards fall as they may.  Damn my strong work ethic. 

But seriously, I am not going in on one of my few days off to do this stupid meeting when I know I won't be there after December.  And seriously?  We have enough stuff to cover for our holiday crap to warrant a 2 hour meeting?  I highly doubt that.  So instead, I will just find convenient ways to wiggle out of those responsibilities.  Yeah, guess that work ethic isn't so strong after all.  ::laughs::

I completed my FAFSA today for financial aid for this Grad Degree I've been prattling on and on about.  It turned out to be WORLD'S easier than I thought it would be.  They just synced it up with my IRS tax return for last year and bam!  Two minutes TOPS and I was done and it was submitted.  I should know by the end of the week if I quality for anything.

THEN, on Monday (26th), I can officially register for classes for the Spring 2016 semester.  I mean, HOLY SHIT, this shit just got real!

And I got an email from the University saying to please understand that for every hour I take at the Graduate Level, I should anticipate four to five hours worth of weekly course work.  So, if I take two 3 hour courses (have to, to qualify for financial aid), I should expect to have anywhere from 24 to 30 hours of course work a WEEK.  Yeah, there's no way I could continue to work at Starbucks, my after school program, AND do that much Grad work.  I was kicking around the idea of working at Starbucks on Sundays (EASY shift) just to keep my free coffee perks and the employee discount, but that just sealed the deal for me.  Starbucks will be gone come January.  I still need to sit down and figure out exactly when my last day will be, and figure out when I need to let Shands know.  Man, I am so ready to cut ties with that job and leave.

Genealogy Babble

written: Oct 18th

I finally sat down, put my direct ancestor's family tree together and figured out where my major mistake was.  There went THREE hours of time.  But I am glad to have finally figured out where I went wrong and took the time to delete all the incorrect family members and then add them where they are supposed to be.  Total family moved around = 112 individuals.  WHEW!  Even I did not realize how bad it was and yet I was STILL avoiding it like the plague because I knew it wasn't going to be some sweet and easy fix.

The bad news?  I'm pretty sure there is another blunder way out there in my tree.  ::sighs::  I'll have to locate it and print that section.  Then tape it all together and hang it up so I can visually see where I need to do some pointed research to see which branch is correct.  All of this would be WORLDS easier to do if I just had about 12 feet long of blank wall space that I could hang the family trees up to inspect.  But I don't have 12 feet of blank wall space, so I had to get creative.  My current family tree (just the direct ancestors of my maternal grandfather going back 14 generations from him, so 16 generations for me) is hanging up over my big closet in the master bathroom...and even then it's had to curl around two walls.

And this is but a drop in the bucket.  The oldest the printed family tree goes back to (that I have hanging up in my bathroom) is 1624.  The oldest relative I have traced back to was born in 1433.  So almost two hundred MORE years of ancestors.  I cannot even begin to imagine just how large this family tree (with more than 3100 individuals listed) would be, if I were to print it all out.  It would probably kill a small forest for the paper, and I would have to hang it from my 3rd floor apartment and take up most of the side of the building!  ::laughs::

Eventually, I would like to put together a binder with all the historical documents and photographs of whatever ancestors I do have.  And I would like to include as much personal detail as I can find on each one.  And I've already got all the ancestor gravestones documented from the Burkett cemetery (which is another thing to include).  Honestly, I can see how some people make a career out of this.  It would be so much fun to dig through all the documents to find information on specific people.

Blank

My mind is utterly blank right now.  I have been avoiding writing like the plague today.  No, wait.  I take that back, because I have been working like crazy on my genealogy stuff and that IS writing.  I have just been avoiding any JOURNALING like the plague today.  ::laughs::

I have been spending money like crazy.  But most of it is bills or articles of clothing I desperately need.  Ok, so I don't DESPERATELY need the Last Unicorn t-shirt I bought...but I DO need more t-shirts for work, so that counts right? 

And I bought a coloring book that I don't necessarily NEED, but it's to support a new, up-and-coming artist.  And I'm all about that.  Besides, it's $30 to a good cause.  And I can use the coloring sheets for my students.  So there's a reason to do it.

And the Samhain candles?  Hmmm, well, I did NEED one for Samhain.  The other one is just a bonus because after I had inquired, I felt bad that I wasn't going to purchase it.  And well...I currently have a bit of fun money, so why not buy it?  ::laughs::  But still, it isn't like I am burning through all my money and then putting it all on my credit card.  All of this is money I have left over after paying all the necessary bills.  And I still have quite a bit in checking in case anything crazy happens.  And I put $225 into savings already (total of $386 thus far this MONTH -- man, having those regular after school program checks AND decent Starbucks checks is NICE).

I have also increased my Starbucks contribution to my 401(k) plan up to 20% out of my check right off the bat.  The only reason I put it up that high is that currently Starbucks is matching my contribution dollar-for-dollar, so why not take advantage of that free money while I can?

Because, I got my acceptance email yesterday stating that UNT has accepted me into the Master's program.  Woohoo!  And this means, once school starts up for me in January 2016, I will no longer be working at Starbucks.  Man, if only Darrell was still my boss there.  I would have called him up on his day off (because I know how bad it would piss him off) and tell him PEACE I AM OUT BITCHES!!!!!!

But my boss is Shands now and I won't do that to him.  He's not the douche that Darrell is.  ::sighs:: Kind of stole my thunder there.  Thanks Darrell!

But yes, I will be quitting Starbucks.  I am dying to just submit my 2 week notice right now and be done with that damn place.  But, it's money to be made, that I won't be making later on.  So I stay.  And I endure.  And I count down the days to my emancipation.  ::chuckles::

And I still have so much to do for Grad School.  I need to fill out and submit my FASFA (financial aid).  And once I get that done, then I can register for classes.  Cue the panic now.  ::laughs::

I joked with the Husband that we should have filed for divorce this summer -- that way my financial aid would be based solely off my meager income instead of ours!  ::laughs::  Oh well.  It will pan out however it needs to pan out.  I'm just really looking forward to the change and the challenge.  AND ALL THE NEW OFFICE SUPPLIES THAT I CAN ACTUALLY JUSTIFY PURCHASING!!!!!! 

Staples store, here I come!

No worries, I will leave the credit card at home.  ::chuckles and winks::

ACCEPTED!!!!!!

written: Oct 16th

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!  I GOT ACCEPTED TO GRAD SCHOOL! 

::runs around, flailing and shit::

Ok.  Now that I got THAT out of my system.....I got my "official" email letter of acceptance to UNT's grad school program in the Information Sciences college.  Shit is about to get real here. 

Crap, just remembered, NOW I have to do the damn FASFA (financial aid) stuff before I can register for classes. 

Honestly, it hasn't sunk in quite yet.  I guess once I get the FASFA and register for classes...then it will be real.  Then I will also have a date that I can finally set as my last day of working at Starbucks.  I always figured I would be over the moon, blissed the fuck out, yet sad at the same time about quitting Starbucks.  Sad, because I have such amazing coworkers there.  But honestly?  Most of them have already left, or work shifts opposite of my own.  So it's like they are all already gone.  I'm the last man standing.  And given that even Darrell isn't there any more, that takes all the snarky JOY of quitting out of the equation.  Now it's just kind of sad in a deflated way.  But I will be happy to finally let that job go.  It's been very enlightening.  I've met some really awesome people there.  And I've learn so damn much.  But holy fuck, I am ready to close that chapter.  And it just makes my lil OCD brain so happy that I can finish it off right at 2 years even.  I think I might even make my anniversary there my last day and just cut it completely off on the day that originally started, two years ago. 

Now that I look, I started working at Starbucks on December 16th.  That's a bit too early for me to quit.  I could get two, maybe three more weeks of work out of them before I had to quit for school.  That's two to three more weeks of pay -- plus two weeks of that, the after school program will be closed, so the Starbucks checks would be the only money I have coming in at that time.  So yeah, I guess I will endure into January then.  Classes start January 19th.  I will see how I am feeling in mid December to figure out at that point when my last day will be.  Starbucks prefers us to give them three weeks' notice, as that's how far out they project the schedule (though we rarely, if EVER see a schedule two weeks' out -- more of their hypocritical bullshit that I can't wait to be done with).

I have decided as a personal challenge for myself next month, so complete an art journal page a day.  I've got a ton of backlogged art journal pages I want to get done, but I am just not making it a priority.  And I figure once school starts up, I'll have even less free time, so I need to get my creative butt in gear and knock these pages out already. 

I will also need to do another Great Culling of the Facebook crap.  I had feeling like I have to keep up with certain groups that, while I do enjoy, they don't bring anything of true merit into my life.  While I've learned a TON on the venomous reptile keepers' group, I may have to let that one go.  Though, maybe I should keep it because I do enjoy seeing the various venomous reptiles and the fact that they use the scientific names of the animals (to avoid any sort of confusion), it does force my lil rusty brain to stretch and work.

Hmmm, much to think about.  But for now, I'm off to watch NCIS with the Hubs.

Acorn Assault

I was just assaulted by an acorn!  There really is nothing quite like having a massive acorn drop down about 10 - 12 feet to strike you in the chest to really wake you up.  And leave it to an acorn the size of my thumbnail to remind me, "Hey!  You are outside.  The weather is GLORIOUS!  THIS is what matters.  You are spending too much time up in your head instead of bathing in the beauty that is a damn nearly perfect Texas autumn day!"

New Moons tend to make me more introspective, as does autumn in general.  So yeah, I have been spending too much time up in my head, ignoring everything else that is going on around me.  I have been simultaneously obsessing and avoiding anything to do with my Grad School application.  ::laughs::  All that is left is to finish up my resume and SUBMIT and it's done.  And yet, I am panicking at the massive change this will signal in my life and just avoiding it.  But at the same time, I have already paid the $75 application fee and I am way too frugal to just "let that go".  I mean, SEVENTY-FIVE dollars!  And when you are making what I am making (less than $20k a year), that is a BIG deal.  So yes, I will get it done, but I am just flailing around right now to process.  Yeah, because I don't adult very well sometimes.  ::laughs::

But luckily, I do not have very much left to do.  The hardest part is stream-lining my resume.  The original reads like a damn novel because I wanted to include all my major job duties from almost 20 years of work experience.  Needless to say, I am culling that out quite a bit.  And, not every single one of my duties in my past jobs have any sort of application to my graduate degree, so I can leave those off. 

Honestly, I just work better if I have a pen in my hand and paper in front of me.  Call me old school, but I don't really care for trying to do this all on the computer.  I wish I had the set up in my room to have a printer.  Then I would just print this stuff out and scribble all over it to my heart's content.  I feel I do a better job that way.  And hell, all those papers I wrote for my under-grad degree -- the rough drafts were all HAND-written.  Yes, even the 12 page TYPED research paper on shape-shifters was originally hand written.  ::laughs::

I haven't really been spending a lot of time on my genealogy either, which is shocking -- given how obsessed I was in the beginning.  I would like to print some of the various photos from my ancestors to use in my Samhain observation.  Maybe once I get my resume completed and everything submitted for the Grad Application, I can start working on that. 

A dear friend of mine confided that Samhain is one of her least favorite Sabbats of the Witches' Year and I felt the overwhelming need to agree with her.  Completely out of the blue.  And I had to stop myself.  She isn't going to care if I adore Samhain.  She isn't going to stop talking to me just because I feel the opposite of her on this Sabbat.  It is completely ok to have a difference of opinion.  We aren't attempting to sway the other.  Just merely stating our individual stances on the Sabbat.  That is the type of disagreement I like.  A difference in opinion that doesn't escalate into a "I'm right, You're wrong" argument.

As for me, Samhain is a time to honor the dead.  Other than a handful of ancestors I directly know and a handful of friends that have passed on, none of the other deceased are welcomed with open arms into my home that night.  I have no problem tipping my hat to them all in acknowledgement.  But I won't set out a plate specifically for them.  I typically put the jack-o-lantern out on the balcony with a small offering of food for any Spirits wandering that night.  I invite specific Spirits into my ceremony. But after that, they are to return to wherever they were before.

And for me, Samhain is mostly a day of fun.  It's a day to dress up.  To play harmless pranks.  To hang out with the living and celebrate life.  It's a day to rejoice in the fact that the sweltering hot Texas summers are starting to come to a close.  It's a day to celebrate the coming cooler weather.  I get excited just thinking about it!

Goals & Hogs

written: Oct 14th

I have the rough draft for my next round of birthday goals written up -- 34 goals for my 34th year.  I am debating on including Chaos Goals or not.  Most likely I will be in Grad School, plus hopefully moving.  Honestly, I don't know if I really need to invite any more chaos in -- seems like I will have more than enough already.  Plus I've got a bit more time to tweak and modify my current list of goals before my birthday.  I think just the 34 goals will be just fine for this year.  I should have more than enough on my plate.  And, if I find myself not in Grad School and/or not moving, then I can always modify my goals accordingly.  I have to remind myself that it is not like these will be set in stone.  They are my goals.  I can change them as I see fit!  ::laughs::   Amazing how dogmatic I can get without even realizing.

I recharged and rededicated the small protection bundle I received when I completed my Vision Quest.  Geez, that was back in 2006, and it hasn't faded one bit from my memory.  And the craving is always there to do another Vision Quest.

Honestly, I think I should just go spend some time out on my Mom's land.  Because we have a whole pack of feral hogs (and BIG ones at that), I would have to carry a gun (which, honestly, I do not mind one bit).  I'm just not sure I would feel comfortable camping out there unless I managed to fence off an area (would have to set up an electric fence to hopefully keep the hogs out).  I have no issues coming face to face with a bobcat or a coyote.  Those guys are terrified of humans.  But hogs?  Feral hogs are a completely different story.  The ones I've seen out there run from humans, but those were lil piggies.  The boars and sows?  I wouldn't want to take the chance that they decide to stand their ground.  Those guys will shred you no problem.  And given that Mom's land is 15 minutes from my tiny hometown...cell phones are pretty useless out there.  So if I were to get into a spot of nasty trouble, I would be completely on my own.  Hell, even if I were suicidal....death by hogs is NOT a death I would ever choose!  ::laughs::

Dancing with the Devil

::laughs:: Oh it’s been ages since I’ve been properly accused of being “offensive”. And yet, “offensive” use to be my middle name. Yes. Manitou Offensive Wolf. My mother was such a witty bitch. (get it? bitch? female canine? me being a wolf? oh geez, you just suck all the joy out of everything, don’t you!)

But I digress. The most horrible, shameful, I-should-be-tarred-and-feathered for, offensive remark that I made that has earned me the scorn of some random Internet Joe Blow? This one: “I have TAUGHT myself to have ADHD.” Lifted from my previous blog entry.

And I was honestly scratching my head, muttering to myself....”Of ALL the offensive things I’ve posted, THIS? THIS is the one that sets someone’s panties all into a wad over? REALLY?”

I mean, all my “praise Lucifer” shit didn’t even get a nibble. But this? Whee, we’ve had fun with it. ::laughs and shakes her head::

And who said hanging out with Lucifer couldn’t be fun?
Shit, even HE is perplexed.

Like, this is how I would see this conversation going down in my head.

Me and Lucifer are sitting on my balcony.
Me in a nice black, flowing robe – satin or maybe silk.
And he’s, sitting there in brilliant white, with his ebony feathered wings tucked neatly back.
I’m sipping a glass of red wine and he’s smoking a cigar.
And I tell him this is what some mortal took horrid offense with me saying.
And he pauses, his cigar (most likely Cuban…because....come on. It’s LUCIFER for christ’s sake), and he cocks his head at me, and says (in my mind, his voice is deep like Sean Connery, but not so much Scottish burr to it), “Are you shitting me?”
And I say nope.
And we die laughing.
Once we wipe the laugh tears from our eyes, he says, “I’ll have to remember to use that line the next time around.”
And we enjoy the sun set.
And end scene.

But seriously, I think we’ve gotten way too “politically correct” -aka- TERRIFIED TO ACCIDENTALLY OFFEND SOMEONE OUT THERE IN THE BIG WIDE WORLD, that we can no longer joke or have fun.

Oh because I have not be diagnosed with ADHD, I am now barred for joking about it. Well, you know what? I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT. You are being prejudice against me because I do not suffer from ADHD. ::grins and winks::

It’s just all a big game to me, to be honest. I have had people talk shit about me for being white, for being Native American (aka INDIAN – the tomahawk kind, not the red dot kind {see, even more offensiveness there!}), for being FEMALE, for being Texan, for not being petite, for speaking up, for NOT speaking up, for not being blonde, for dying my hair red, for keeping my natural hair color, for being Pagan, for NOT being Wiccan, for being bipolar, for being a recovering cutter, for anything and everything....and you know what? I don’t really care.

Because.
In the end.
Outside of my small circle of friends and family, I am a full blown sociopath. And to put it quite bluntly, I don’t give two shits about you.

I mean, sure it would be sad if you died. I can recognize that there are people out there in the world that genuinely care for just about any individual on the planet and would be sad when that said individual no longer is among the living. I am just not one of those people. You have little (if any) affect upon my life. Just as I have little to no affect upon your life. So why do you care so much with your little crusade?

It’s not like you are going to change my mind. I’ve been dancing with the Devil for far too long.

And yes, I’ve taken the liberty of making the comments that inspired this entry to private. As much fun as I’m having, I don’t necessarily wish to launch The Individual into the lime light that She/He may or may not enjoy. So yes, while I’m a pretty strong sociopath, I’m not a total asshole.

Most of the time. ::Cheshire cat grin::

Game Plan

written: Oct 10th

So I guess I do need to come up with some sort of Life Plan that I can then tweak and force to fit the mold for that damn Personal Statement/Essay.  I do not know why I am fighting this so hard -- going to Grad School is going to liberate me from working at Starbucks!  And my god, I want that so bad.

I guess one of the reasons I hate this Personal Statement/Essay is that I am not looking for a career to fulfill me -- to complete me.  I am looking for a reasonably enjoyable career that will allow me to pursue my passions and hobbies.  I want a home of my very own.  I want to travel and photograph all sorts of wildlife.

David made a good point -- I should tell them a good story.  And I can write a good, passionate story (essay) about wanting to get my degree to work with antique historical documents.  Which I would love to do -- but will be getting my degree in something a bit more practical.  But they do not need to know that  Alright, I feel better now that I have some sort of a game plan.  Now....to just WRITE the damn thing.

Eye on the Prize

One thing this whole applying for Grad School has taught me has how badly I have let my education go.

I have seriously stopped striving beyond the shallow end of thinking and experiencing the world.  I barely do anything that challenges my personal status quo.  I have basically allowed myself to become intellectually challenged.  I have TAUGHT myself to have ADHD.

My attention span is crap because there are just so many "fascinating" junk food items on the internet.  I am constantly jumping from one thing to the next.  Barely sampling anything.  I sample and then I flutter on to the next thing, like a friggin' butterfly.

Nothing against butterflies.  They certainly have their purpose in life and life would not exist in the manner that it does without them and their service.

But I used to be more like a Vulture.  I would land down on this huge carcass and just eat and eat and eat until I was so stuffed full of NEW IDEAS and INFORMATION, I couldn't get my fat ass off the ground.  I would have to hobble around and actually DIGEST the information before I could soar on to the next meal.

The easy answer to why I am like this is that I am easily "bored"....but that is a butterfly answer....a shallow one.  I simply no longer have any reason to put in the time and effort to devour a full academic paper....a good book.  I remember passing entire weekends simply reading a book, start to end.  What the hell happened to that person?

I use to journal so regularly.  I used to have such an extensive vocabulary and was pretty damn decent at spelling.  All of that has just wasted away.

And not to blame it on working with children or even in the child care field.  I, MYSELF, have chosen not to make it such a priority.  With Google at our fingertips, I don't have to learn how to spell the word.  I just have to get close enough that Google can figure out what the hell I mean.

Well, I know what one of the birthday goals that I make every year, will be this time around.  I will do the One-Page-A-Day journaling once more.  It's not so much that I have this burning desire to document every-little-thing that happens in my life...it's the exercise in discipline, writing, spelling, and THINKING that my lil brain so desperately requires.

And again, I know I need to limit my time on the internet as well.  I guess I will need to purchase a timer and set time limits on myself.  I also really need to do a deep cleaning of the dreaded Art Territory (that honestly, is more like a Hoarding Territory currently), and get that back on track as well.

I have so many ideas and projects I want to tackle but can't "find" the time to accomplish them.  While working two jobs currently does significantly cut into my free time, I do still have plenty of time to accomplish whatever my lil heart desires.  It's just a matter of MAKING the time occur and not wasting it on wildly entertaining, yet unfulfilling internet junk food.  I know I will not be laying on my death bed saying "I wish I had shared that one hilarious cat video".  Instead, I will be saying "I should have spent more time with the wolves.  I should have done more photography.  I should have danced in the rain and caught snails and played with my nephew more.  I should have been more present in the awesomeness that is MY life."

THAT is what is important.  And that is what I keep losing sight of.

Burning of the Dead

written: Oct 11th

 

I am taking a break from the whole Personal Statement and Resume writing that I have been doing BATTLE with for the past few days.  Who knew how utter wrung out I would feel at the end of this battle?  ::shakes her head::  But I AM making headway.  I AM winning.  So I have just got to soldier on.

But it has been interesting to see how much my Shadow Self has come out to play in all of this.  The Shadow Self is that vicious little voice that, while it possesses a nugget of true, LOVES to blow everything out of proportion.

So these past few days have been an exercise for me.

For one, I am completely out of "writing" shape when it comes to writing anything beyond witty journal entries and the occasional divinely-inspired poetry.  But, like any muscle, it's just atrophied from lack of use.  And while the Shadow Self claims it is gone forever, I know that with some work, eventually the stiffness and soreness will wear away.

And secondly, it's been an exercise in dealing properly with the Shadow Self.  Going head to head, I will always lose to the Shadow Self, because, honestly?  I'm just fighting myself.  Instead, I look for the nugget of truth behind Its fear-mongering and come up with a plan to tackle THAT.  I honor my Shadow Self for speaking up about the fears, but that doesn't mean I have to buy into all the fear-mongering that It oh-so-enjoys.  ::laughs::  Yet, as long as It feels heard, then It tends to quiet back down.

I am ready for the weather to cool off enough to justify a fire.  The Shadow Self loves a good fire, and the burning of things that I no longer want nor need.  I love to write those down on a scrap of paper, whisper to the Gods that I don't need that shit any more, and then to watch it burn in flame.  Truly metamorphic. 

And if what my inner SheWolf is scenting on the wind....a lot of change is coming for me.  A lot of the clearing out the dead and overgrown fields of life.  A burning of the old ghosts.  All to make way for a new planting in my 34th year of life.

Perfect, given that Samhain is soon upon us, when the Spirits may walk freely upon the earth.  I desire more jack-o-lanterns, and with my new found passion (ok, OBSESSION more like it) with genealogy, I have a better understanding of my ancestors and where they hailed from.  It would take me way too long to call upon every ancestor I've found thus far, but I would like to at least nod my head to each of them and at least acknowledge that they had a hand in creating who and what I am today.

No Promises

I think I understand now why I am having such a writer's block when it comes to writing this stupid personal essay for my Grad School application about my hopes and goals and dreams for the future.

The bottom line is that the future is not promised.  It is not guaranteed.  I have made so many plans and had so many dreams that have done nothing but fizzle out, shrivel up, and die on the vine, never to come to fruition.

The honest fact here is that I am bipolar.  The future is hazy for stable individuals at best.  But toss in a serious mood disorder like bipolar depression, and you can pretty much forget on betting on ANYTHING.

When I am depressed, I do have suicidal idealization.  Though, to be honest, it is extremely fleeting and my desire to engage in self-injurious, non-suicidal behavior is actually more of a threat than suicide.

And on the flipside, when I am manic, I am in even more danger.  Not that I am actually suicidal during a manic episode.  Only that I am FAR more likely to engage in very questionable behavior that could honestly get myself killed.  Damn invincibility mindset that comes with my mania.

And even taking my craziness out of the equation, I am a serious realist.  I know that life is never guaranteed and there are a thousand and one ways I skirt death every single day -- most that I am rather blissfully unaware of.

And, most of my dreams don't have a set end-date.  I have a ton of things I want to accomplish before I die, but other than that?  I don't have a set end goal. 

Except for the trip to Churchill, Manitoba, to photograph polar bears in the wild.  THAT I will do by my 40th birthday.  That is pretty much the only hard promise I have dared to make to myself.

My life is vastly different from what I had pictured in my head at age 15, 20, hell, even 25.  And yet, it is so much better than I could have hoped and dreamt for.  I am so glad I did not marry any of my previous love interests, because I would not have David in my life.  And honestly, there is no one better suited for me than him.

I am very much a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type of person.  I like to have a vague game plan, but have a lot of wiggle room for changes to come along -- as long as they are on my terms.  ::laughs::

Such an interesting dichotomy.

Thankful Thursday

written: Oct 8th

I am thankful....

1. starting a four day weekend from the after school program.  I seriously need the break!

2. an awesome weekend with my Mom (this past weekend) -- cemeteries, hummingbirds, donkeys, rhinos, and a wide array of reptiles and amphibians.  Awesome time all around.

3. all I have left to do for my Grad School Application is my personal essay.  And already, UNT Grad School has tentatively accepted me...just have to get the full ok from the College of Information Sciences.

4. that my after school boss finally ok-ed me to push back our "Cardboard Challenge" to January.  That was a fight and a half, but it was a good fight because I opted to simply exercise my world-renowned simple stubbornness instead of my viciousness. :;grins and winks::

5. the MoonTime has been vastly kinder to me.  Amazing how simply changing one's mindset about something can change the event itself.  This MoonTime, I didn't fight it.  I didn't loathe it.  I didn't tell myself I didn't have time for this right now.  Instead, I was honestly ready for and accepting of it when it appeared a few days early. 

6. my "little" genealogy project -- now up to 2,172 individuals spanning all the way back to 1470.   Best $120 I have spent in a while.  ::chuckles:: 

7.  my brother and sister-in-law are expecting again. 

8. that the horrid downstairs neighbors have been rather quiet as of late.  It's been so very nice not having to hear the shrieks and bangs and thuds from whatever the hell is it that they are doing down there.

9. got a new planner.  I'm such a dork, but I cannot explain how giddy a new planner makes me.  ::laughs::

10. I feel like I have finally gotten my feet back under me.  Even though these next few months are the busiest for me, I at least feel like I have a firm stance once more and can handle all the craziness coming.  ::laughs::  I just hope these aren't "famous last words"!