Arrogance

::curls up into a tiny little ball::  Oh my god. When will I ever learn to NOT tempt the gods with my arrogance and MOUTH????  Oy VEY!  I get so caught up in my own self-righteousness and arrogance, and thus Sekhmet walks straight up to me and bitch-slaps me mid-bragging-sentence.  Holy hell.  I think I have whiplash from this last one!

Ok, so Arrogant Wolf Part 1 -- I got all puffed up with myself while taking a shower Monday night.  Putting down others in my mind because they want to find "signs" and "lessons" in every little thing that occurs in their life.  Like they can't accept that sometimes, shitty things JUST happen.  And then I got to mentally mouthing off about the Fluffy Pagans and how seeing a coyote is not just seeing a coyote, but coming in contact with The Coyote (totem) and how it must mean something major!  And my arrogance steeped over into the whole "oh but I don't do that.  I know when a coyote is just a coyote.  It's awesome to see one, but not every single thing has some deeper meaning." 

Tuesday driving home, I was sitting at a stop light waiting for it to turn green, when some movement caught my eye.  A red-tailed hawk had flown up to a telephone poll about 15 feet away from me.  So I'm sitting there just enjoying the hawk, and she dives down, looking like she's going to fly directly into my car, before opening her wings at the last minute and soaring inches above the top of my car.  Seriously, if I had had my window down, I could have touched her as she soared over.  And the goosebumps that broke out all over my body and the way my heart leaped for joy in that moment?  Guess that was a sign that sometimes (ok, a LOT of the time), I am chocked full of bullshit.  So while I may not be doing for any deeper meaning in the moment, I cannot deny that the moment was profound.  And on the heels of that realization, I could hear a soft, but undeniable chuckle in my ear from Sekhmet.

And Arrogant Wolf Part 2 -- I decided that I'm going to work at Starbucks until December, but once January started, I was the fuck out of there.  I made all these great justifications for staying in this incredibly shitty job.

And I damn near walked out today, while flipping them off, and telling them to go fuck themselves. I've put up with a lot of abuse, a lot of shitty managers (that can't manage to save their lives), a horrible cooperate structure, and not to mention pay that is a complete and utter JOKE, but there have only been a handful of days that I found myself standing in the back, debating if I was walking out in that moment or if I would suck it up.  And today?  I stood back there for a solid 10 minutes debating. 

I opted to stay.  But even now, an hour after my shift ended, I am still questioning that decision.  I'm sure that if I had a shift tomorrow, I would have walked.  But given that I don't go back until Sunday, gives me a bit of a breather.

So why do I stay?  The little extra money here and there is nice.  I won't deny that.  And given that I do have an end date in sight, gives me a bit more relief to soldier on through.  The employee discount is nice (30% off of everything), plus the free drinks and food item while I'm on my shift, AND the free pound of coffee every week are nice as well.  And the 401 (k) plan I have through them, Starbucks is currently matching my contribution dollar-for-dollar.  I'm putting in 20% of my paycheck currently, just to take advantage of that free money.  I'll need to talk to Fidelity soon to see what I need to do to protect that when I do quit Starbucks.