Thursday, April 30, 2015

At The Wire



So this month was a National Journal Writing Month and the goal I initially set for myself was to write every day, at least 500 words, on the topic of my spirituality. 

I certainly started off valiantly enough.  And I would venture to say that MOST of my entries had some sort of spiritual bend to them.  And the days I did write, I always surpassed the 500 word mark.  So much that on the 26th, my overall word count for the month was 14.407 (the monthly end goal was 15,000).  At that point, I merely had to write around 150 words for the remaining days, and I would surpass that goal.

And what happened?  Yeah, all inspiration and even desire to write fled.  It fucking FLED to the hills, never to be seen again.  ::sighs::

I would open up one of my spiral notebooks (as almost every single one of my journal entries for this project was handwritten first, and then typed up), select a pen from the THOUSANDS I have (yes, I do have a pen addiction...and no, I have no intentions to ever doing anything about it).....and then I would just stare at that blank page and nothing would stir.

Granted, I've been uploading a lot of my photography to my Deviant Art account, so I guess I could go back and count up the meager words I used in those and they would count for something.  Yes, I think I'll do that right now.  So that adds another 272 words to my total count.  Whew!

So yeah, even with my slacking.
Even with my battling of The Plague for a week (still not back at 100% even now).
Even with life being crazy and my inspiration to write fleeing the scene at times.
I still made the mark.  I still reached my goal of 15,000 words for the month (though, certainly not my goal of at least 500 words a day). 
And I mostly stuck to the spiritual angle. 

But can I say....I am so thankful the next Monthly challenge isn't until July!  Woohoo!

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Shadows



I did not write yesterday.
I was a creature made of mostly snarls and snaps.
I don't know what it was about yesterday, but damn, did my mind ever turn vicious upon itself.  It's been a while since it's gone for the throat like that, snapping and snarling and hurling every vicious thing it could possibly conjure at me and then some.  You would have thought it was battling for its survival instead of threatening my own. ::shakes her head::

Today, I'm a bit calmer.  The mind has settled for just silent barring of the teeth, hinting at violence.

Mirrored in the weather outside my window.  I've heard a huge clap of thunder and the wind picks up from time to time.  But the true storm is waiting.  Watching.  Biding its time in shadow, waiting for the proper release.

I finally got around to cleaning out Leviathan's tank, top to bottom.  All the old mulch has been tossed away.  New, fresh, moist mulch has been laid down.  Her logs and water bowl have been cleaned and re-arranged.  I wish I could give her a large, more mentally stimulating enclosure.  But, this will have to do for now. 

She's gone blue.  Her typical ruby red eyes have the milky blue-white color that announce an impending shed.  They'll clear in a few days, and then she'll shed.  I should make note to mist her down in a few days to help the shedding process.  Ah, the life of a snakey mother.  ::chuckles::  I was hoping to take her up to my after school program to visit the students.  They've been asking about her, and I've told them she would visit once the weather warmed up.  Maybe the first or second week of May then.

The plague is lifting from me, though it certainly is not going down without one hell of a fight.

I am making it a point, on these days that my mind is being so sadistic, to put in the time to upload a few photos at a time to my Deviant Art account.  No matter how cruel and unrealistic my mind is, even it acknowledges my gift in the photography realm.  And I even have a nice little following there on Deviant Art, a core group of people that so enjoy my photography and are always clamoring for more.  Hell, even a few locals are asking to meet up with me at the Zoo or the Botanical Gardens.  They want me to show them how I see some of these animals.  Or at least, what it is that I see in these various animals, the Un-huggable sort (a nod there to one of my favorite books as a child....that I, amazingly so, still posses), and how I capture the beauty and grace they have...that so many people overlook.  Rather humbling to say the least, as I don't see myself as doing anything overly special.  It's not like I'm working with models, that I can say, Do this, or Do that, or Strike this Pose, or so on.  These are creatures I capture simply doing what it is that they do naturally.  It simply takes time, patience, an eye for detail, understanding, and a heap of good luck.  Hell, I haven't even posted the Gaboon Viper photos that made me positively giddy when I captured them!  ::laughs::  Perhaps, I know that a really dark day is upon the horizon and I'm saving those top notch shots for that day, to aid in lifting that depressing cloud when it comes to settle upon my shoulders.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Plague and Snails

written: April 23rd

I am slowly returning to the Land of the Living. This Plague (gift of my ever loving husband) has been brutal. Even now, it’s not quite ready to let me go, but thankfully, I can tell its grip is beginning to loosen.

I have resumed my daily walks with Holly through the woods yesterday and today. It feels more like the Pacific Northwest in my woods than Texas, with all the daily rain we’ve been getting, along with the milder temperatures. And I’m certainly not complaining. The damp and cool weather tends to keep people inside, which means the woods are blissfully empty of humans. Just me, my dog, the birds, and all the little crawling creatures of the world.

The snails have really woken up this season are out in masses. Sadly, once the sun appears, these little guys generally find themselves stranded on blistering sidewalks where people walk without a care in the world. So I’ve taken on the small job of just picking them up and tossing them into the undergrowth in the direction they were headed.

Snail totem is all about protection and being aware of your surroundings. For me, they speak of slowing down and just enjoying what’s going on. I guess sometimes, you do need to let life pass you by just so you can relish what you have right now. The Plague has taught me that as well.

I am running very low on energy and strength and am having to rely on others. I’m having to listen to my body and heed its needs and demands. It knows what it needs to combat this Plague…namely SLEEP and REST. I’m sure if I just took one day completely off of both jobs and just slept and rested and took hot showers as needed, I would heal so much quicker. And I hate that society frowns upon self-care.

I got into fairly serious trouble for calling in sick on Monday to Starbucks. The Plague was just beginning to wage war and there was no way I could survive four hours at Starbucks....not to mention, I was running a fever at the time, which means I’m contagious. But heaven forbid I take the shift off so I don’t get my coworkers (and customers) sick. My husband got off of work early and stopped by Starbucks on his way home, and my boss (Douche Bag Darrell), practically climbed over the guy at the window to pepper my husband with questions about if I was “really” sick.

Honestly, that ended up really making my husband angry and oh, how he longed to tell Douche Bag Darrell exactly what he thought of him! But, I do need this morning job, so David reigned it in. But seriously? Who does that? If Douche Bag Darrell thought I was lying, why not man up and ask me himself, instead of trying to twist my husband’s words? Just goes to show what depth of character my boss posses. And honestly, at that moment, my husband was a paying customer. Stop harassing him and just give him his damn coffee he’s purchased and let him go on about his way! I really need to put in a transfer request, just so I can finally be free of this manipulative bullshit.

Spartacus Wisdom

written: April 22nd

David and I have been watching Spartacus on NetFlix recently and I’m loving it.

And the reason I enjoy it is because it shows REAL nude people. The women don’t have the super perky porn-star breasts. They look more like my own. And that is refreshing.

Granted, they are all in FAR better shape than I am currently, but that is something I can work on myself. I can change my eating habits. I can work out. I can even take martial arts classes. All of that is achievable. But porn-star tits? Yeah, that would require surgery and/or an act of god.

It’s like last Saturday when I finally broke down and went to Victoria’s Secret to get another bra. This adorable petite 20-something girl bounced up to me to help me out, which I did need, as they had changed the store completely around since the last time I was there. It was going fine until she asked me if I wanted a “push up bra” or a demi. I pointed looked at her, and her tiny B-cup breasts and then looked at my double-Ds. And laughed. I told her a push up would require an act of god. And to her credit, she didn’t miss a beat but chuckled along with me and said “fair enough”.

Yeah, like I seriously need to add MORE to these bitches. Are you kidding me? Maybe if I worked somewhere where it would be appropriate to flaunt my goods, I would be interested in a good push up bra. But I work with children for the most part and I don’t need a push up bra. The other job at Starbucks, I already get more than enough unwanted male attention. Why would I do things to add to that? Yeah, like I want MORE creepy stalker-male attention. At least the green apron does quite a bit to mask my breasts.

Hell, if anything else, I would love to get a reduction done. I would kill to be just a C-cup once more. To be able to wear button-down shirts? To be able to actually wear shirts made for women? To not have strap marks almost permanently etched into my shoulders from carrying this bad-boys? SIGN ME UP!!!! Currently, I think I could live a good 6-months off the fat stored on my chest.

So yeah, back to Spartacus. None of those women (and they show a LOT of topless women) have the unrealistic breasts that are so prolific in our culture parades around us all the time. And honestly, I didn’t realize how much it effected me until I was watching a show with tons of natural breasts. And these are gorgeous women of all sorts of backgrounds, ages, ethnicities, etc. And all of their boobs look like mine, regardless of size. And I finally felt ok about my own breasts. I don’t have to look like Jenna Jameson to be beautiful. I’m not less of a woman because my boobs hang naturally.

A Humble Temple

written April 19th



Talk about the most powerfully spiritual location you have ever encountered.

The most powerfully spiritual location I have ever encountered was the Sekhmet Temple in Indian Springs, Nevada, about 45 minutes outside of Las Vegas.

Honestly, the Temple grounds are not overly impressive in and of themselves, especially when compared to the massive temple structures that dominated Ancient Egypt.  But this gave the whole area a definitely more "intimate" charge to the air.  I am sure the Ancient Egyptian temples stunned with their massive grandeur, but this humble temple in the middle of the Nevada desert?  You could practically feel Sekhmet's whiskers brush past you.  And yes, that ancient Lioness Goddess of the Desert walked these lands freely and often.

Ever since dedicating myself to Sekhmet back in 1997, I have held lofty dreams of paying homage to Her before one of Her numerous, human-sized statues at some point in my life.  Even now, 18 years into my service to Sekhmet, that dream, that longing, has not waned in the slightest.  It is just that a trip to Egypt is not currently feasible for me financially at this point.  But one day, I will pay my respects in one of Her original temples.  But this small temple in the Nevada desert, open to the heavens and the elements, complete with a human-sized statue of Sekhmet would make a fine stand in.

I came to the Temple a few days before I was to get married in Las Vegas.  The desert swallowed me up in its seemingly endless expanse.  But you can physically feel the divine presence there.  Maybe it's because there is NOTHING else to act as a barrier there.  The trees are humble, the cacti sparse, and there you are under an endless blue sky stretching out in all directions to touch the red, red earth.

I knelt before the seated Sekhmet and asked Her to bless my marriage.  I renewed my vows of dedication to Her as well.  I felt two heavy lioness paws upon my shoulders, and was enveloped in a massive embrace of desert heat.  I could feel the rasp of Her lion fur upon my cheek.  Only in one other ritual have I ever felt more physically close to my Scarlet Lady.

I knew whatever words I spoke here instead this humble temple, here at Her statue's red clay feet, She would hear.  She would take all my words to heart and hold me to any and all vows I dared to make in Her presence.  It is so very awe-inspiring to feel a Presence so vastly ancient...and to feel it turn all of its attention to you.

I had these grand plans to bring offerings of incense and garnets to lay at Her feet.  But in the craziness of planning, and packing, and traveling for my own marriage out of state, those items were sadly left behind.  I expressed my dismay at coming to Her holy shrine empty handed.  She shrugged it off and merely purred that I will remember to bring the gifts next time.

And yes, there will be a next time.  I will return to this humble desert temple.  I will bring offerings of incense and garnets.  I will kneel at Her clay statue's feet once more.  And I will renew any and all vows that need rededication.  I even hope to have the resident priestess perform a Handfasting Ceremony (a Pagan wedding) for David and I one of these days.

May it come to pass!

Fur VS Scales

Trust me, I know that I’m in the minority here for admiring snakes and serpents. I know that most people do not see these as cute or adorable or beautiful animals. I GET that.

But to post a fucking video of someone hacking off the head of a venomous snake on Facebook, and to FUCKING tag me in it? Are you shitting me?

Yes, I understand that it was a Coral Snake.
Yes, I understand that these guys have some seriously nasty venom.
Yes, I understand that the people there were setting up for a HUGE music venue.

But for fuck’s sake....these snakes are very shy. Have VERY small mouths. And it could have been easily removed to a safe area away from the crowds. It certainly wouldn’t have come back. The sound and vibrations for a huge outdoor music concern would certainly drive all manner of wildlife (excluding humans) far, far away.

It should be well within my right to post a fucking video of someone doing the same to a damn kitten, or a dog, or some other fluffy mammal that SHE finds adorable.

But oh no. YouTube and FaceBook deem those “inhumane”.
But not cutting off a snake’s head and watching it thrash about, with wonderful heavy metal playing in the background, claiming it’s “dancing with the music”. Yeah, if someone did the same thing but used a kitten instead, the hell that person who posted the snake video would raise!

Fur or scales, it’s all the same in my book.

::End Rant::

So yeah, an old high school buddy posted a video of some Roadies cutting off the head of coral snake at some music festival, and fucking tagged me to the video. Making sure it would show up on my Facebook page.

She knows of my adoration for reptiles…hell for all animals in general.
And while I don’t begrudge a single person who hunts....that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to watch you kill said animal.
Even trophy hunters, while not my most favorite type of person on the planet, I recognize they do fill a niche this world requires, and I can’t begrudge them that either.
But again....I don’t necessarily want to watch you kill that animal.

So for her to post this video…it really has me upset.
Either she did it, knowing how I would react, which pisses me off to no end.
Or she did it, without knowing how I would react....which means, she doesn’t know jackshit about me....and couldn’t care less to learn.

I do not censor myself on my Facebook posts. I have a ton of photos up of Leviathan (my female lavender corn snake). I’ve talked at great length about my desires to find a venomous snake mentor so I can learn how to posses and care for venomous snakes legally…and that I have full intentions in having a decent collection of snakes (both venomous and non-venomous). And while the coral snake isn’t on my list of snakes I want....why would you post that shit to me?

Again, what makes me the angriest about the whole thing is not that she chose to share the video on HER wall....but that she specifically tagged me and ONLY me to the video. She went out of her way to ensure I saw it.

And that....
That disgusts me.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Wilk

written April 18th



::dances around all giddy like::

I received an email confirming the shipment on my Wolf Ring that I purchased about three weeks ago from Elina Gleizer over in Israel.  I purchased it as an early "happy 9th anniversary of being Self-Injury Free" present.   It'll be a while yet before it actually arrives, but at least it's on its way now!  I can't wait to wear it.

So this seems like the proper introduction into talking about the Totem Wolf and what She means to me.

Wolf has been with for as long as I can remember.  I've always loved them, been fascinated by them.  Even the first part of my maiden name, "Wilk" translates into "Wolf", so you see, Wolf is Me.

And for as long as I can remember, I've had a special affinity for animals.  I've considered myself more beast than human, down to my core. 

For me, the Wolf is the embodiment of my very Spirit.  It is what is inside of me that keeps me wild and yearning for more.  Loyalty is the key word when talking about Wolf.  And that's me.  I'm loyal, almost to a damn fault.  Once I've given my loyalty to something, it takes a serious act of betrayal for me to retract that loyalty.  But once it's gone, it is gone for good. 

Wolf is the first spirit I really started working with.  And I didn't even call Her a spirit at that point.  I just knew how much the Native Americans revered the Wolf and knew the totem aspects, and so that's what I wanted to bring into my life.  The more I worked with her, the more I realized she was more than just "an animal".  This was a specific Wolf that helped me.  She has personality traits all of her own.  And she was more like me than I realized...she has her good days and her bad days.  She has her own prejudices and fears.  And that doesn't make her any less of a creature...it just makes her unique.  And the same goes for me.  My weaknesses and faults, while they do need to be strengthened, do not mean I'm any less of a creature than any other person here on earth.  We all stumble, we all fall.  It's a matter of how we get back up and continue on that defines us.

And Wolf teaches that every member within the Pack Hierarchy is worthy.  From the Alpha to the Beta to the Omega.  All have worth.  All are needed for the pack to remain healthy.  And no standing is set in stone.  It's fluid and changes on the situation.  If your strengths lie in hunting deer, then you'll be Alpha for.  But if we are hunting Bison, another will fill that roll, as their strengths dictate.  I like that.  It encourages me to be me, to realize that my individuality is a STRENGTH and an ASSET to my Pack and that I bring the highest honor, when I embrace that.

War Path



Be warned.  This She Wolf is on the War Path today.

This is Day Two of the Plague.  Thankfully thus far, I haven't had it as bad as David did (as I call him, "The Infector" now), but this still has not been some lovely walk in the park, either.  And given a number of things conspired to occur right about now, I'm all sorts of out of whack and hackled up and super snarly.

I called in sick to Starbucks yesterday morning.  My throat was on fire, I was running a temperature, and I was exhausted, even though I had slept for a solid 8 hours up until that point.  Typically, I wake up 3 to 4 times a night, so sleeping the entire way through is very unusual for me.  I then slept for another five hours before getting up to take Holly for her walk.  And THEN I slept for another hour before going to the after school program.  So yes, it irked me quite a bit when my husband told me that when he stopped at Starbucks on the way home from work, my boss (now known forever more as Douche Bag Darrell), made it a point to pepper David with questions, basically trying to figure out just "how sick" I was.  And hinted around that good ole Douche Bag Darrell thought I was lying.  It's shit like that, that makes me really hate working with him.  I mean, really?  If you thought I was playing hookie, why not ask me DIRECTLY?!?!  Like a goddamn adult??  Instead, he's got to act like he's so sly, asking all these questions of my husband and trying to twist his words around.  ::shakes her head::  Yeah, like I said...Douche Bag Darrell.

Then, I come home from the after school program early because my throat is on fire again, to find a "Notice of Entry" from the apartment complex.  They are doing yet ANOTHER "annual inspection".  Really? 

Let's see, in the past six months we've had the following "annual inspections":
- annual apartment inspection
- foundation inspection
- fire alarm inspection
- water sprinkler inspection (which, seeing as how the fire marshal is supposed to do both the fire alarm AND sprinkler inspection, I don't understand why these were not done at the same time)
- roof inspection (still not 100% sure why they needed access to my apartment to do this)
- and a SECOND annual apartment inspection

So yeah, I'm a bit pissed that once again, I'm going to have strangers tramping through my apartment and the fact that there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.  It's just another reason I hate living here so badly.  I'm paying $1200 a month to be surrounded by ghetto trash that can't clean up after themselves, have NO sense of common courtesy, and to be "supervised" by a company that couldn't care less about the people who actually DO live here. 

So yeah, I called them to ask what fucking annual inspection this one was, and rattled off all the "annual" inspections we've already had in the past 6 months.  Apparently, THIS one is for the air filters.  So then I pushed on and asked how many days this was going to stretch out over, as they do this every time.  And that my ancient dog doesn't do so well being kennelled for multiple days, all day long.  The Head Boss Lady assures me that it will only take that one day.  But I'm sure as hell, am not holding my breath, as it's the same line I get EVERY time....and then it stretches out over three days typically.

And THEN to heap on top of all of that, the damn lawn maintenance guys were here.  I can't stand their damn leaf blowers....and this time, they were using them IN THE DAMN BREEZEWAYS.  Now, granted, yes I'm thankful they did clean out the breezeways from all the leaf and pollen (and nasty ass trash my oh-so-wonderful neighbors leave for us all to enjoy), but it amplifies the horrid noise the damn leaf blowers makes (seriously, it's like one of my most hated noises in the world)....and then stinks up the breezeways with all that damn exhaust. 

Seriously, if I was feeling better, they would really have to watch out.  As it is right now, I'm just too fatigued to go on a proper killing spree.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Harpy Magic



Tonight is the Dark of the Moon -- the night prior to the New Moon. 
Tonight a lovely rain storm rolled through -- saturated with thunder and lightning.
Couldn't ask for a more potent night to call upon my Harpies for protection.

A friend of mine (whom I'll merely call The Painter) is having some issues with some crazy strangers and/or old property managers harassing her and just being disrespectful of her land...part of which is an ancient cemetery.  Now, by law, she has to give people access to the cemetery, but they are driving all over the graves and putting a storage shed out there as well.  I'm a bit hazy on the details, but even I know you don't do that shit to a cemetery.

I'm not worried about vengeful spirits haunting my home and sucking me into a closet ala Poltergeist.  But I was taught from a very young age, and my own magickal dabblings reiterate the point, that you are respectful to the dead.  I have no problem banishing Ancestors from my home, especially if they are being disrespectful themselves.  And I have been known to hang out in cemeteries (mostly because they are typically the best place for solitude and peace in the heart of a city).  But I wouldn't willfully disrespect, disturb, or deface someone's final resting place.  That's just rude.

The Harpies hinted around that they would be willing to take on that "project" as they called it, if The Painter welcomed the aid.  And, luckily for me, The Painter is a Pagan as well, so it wasn't nearly an awkward conversation as it could have been.  I can only imagine how that would have gone if she'd been a Christian!  ::laughs::  And to make matters even easier, she isn't locked into the whole White/Black magick thinking.  Most White Lighters would run in fear from the Harpies.  And certainly wouldn't be happy with the thought of having them hanging around on her property.

The Painter did talk to the spirits of the cemetery first, asking how they felt about the Harpies helping out, and they are open to the aid as well.  And so I asked for a map of the cemetery, mostly just for the boundary markers.  I want the Harpies to focus their protection/vengeance mostly around the cemetery.  And they've requested a prayer feather to be made and hung in the center of the cemetery.  It helps tie them to the area.

And after all of that was settled....I totally dropped the ball.  Life got crazy (as my life tends to do), and it all fell the wayside.

But tonight...was just perfect and I jumped right on it.  I cut out the map and laid it on a black plate.  I used a pipette to use a VERY dark red (blood colored) wine the Harpies like...and used the wine to trace the boundaries of the cemetery.  I almost wish I had taken a photo of it at this point, because the wine stayed exactly where the pipette put it, so it almost looked like it was all draw out in blood.  And I lit four candles, for the four Harpies and called them down to protect that land and those spirits from any who seek to be destructive or disrespectful.  I'm allowing the candles to burn themselves completely out.

I'll make the prayer feather later on tomorrow.  The Harpies haven't told me what color thread to use yet.  But once I get that done, I'll pack it up and mail it (plus some coffee grounds to be sprinkled around as offerings to the Harpies) to The Painter for her to put in the cemetery. 

Should prove to be interesting.

Ex Thoughts

written: April 16th



It is kind of nice learning that one of your ok Exes kind of wants you back.  It is interesting to see myself as desirable and "the one that got away" for someone else.

Keith and I are friends on Facebook and have been friends for well over a decade at this point.  We dated oh-so-briefly years ago -- in which he dumped me with some lame ass excuse that he needed to learn how to be happy with himself before he could be happy with someone else.  Blah, blah, blah.  And then he turned around and got married a month later to his previous ex.  That I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me with.  So yeah, there was a whole LOT of animosity there for a long time.

He's since divorced that woman (she turned out to be one hell of a bitch).  He knocked up and then married the woman he's currently with.  And I think he's unhappy at the moment.

We've teased and flirted for ages.  Since we've mended fences (and since I'm married), on my end, it's always been harmless because I have no desire to act on any of our joking.  And for the most part, I believed he felt the same way.  We've always joked and teased and flirted our entire friendship.  And it's usually so over the top and dirty-dirty, that we don't really take any of it seriously.  It's a nice ego boost and fun to just be absurd in our flirting.

But today, there seemed to be an edge to it.  He started asking if I thought we would have lasted.  He inquired about if there were things I didn't like about him while we were dating.  And his compliments, while greatly appreciated, were far more honest than our typical banter.

I know having a child wasn't exactly something he wanted.  Though, he does seem to truly enjoy his son.  But I suspect he's feeling a bit trapped at the present.  And I know when I feel that way, I enjoy playing the "what if" game with various exes/crushes -- what if I had stayed with so-n-so....how would my life be different?  And I get the feeling Keith is doing the same thing currently.  So, I'm distancing myself from him right now.  I'm fine with the usual banter, but don't want to encourage the serious type.  I am anything but serious with my flirting.

Sure, my life isn't perfect.  At moments, I would love to turn tail and just flee from all the crap.  But for the most part, I do enjoy my life the way it is.  And I certainly wouldn't get rid of my husband.  We are just too perfectly made for each other.  And I'm very spoiled now, with all the personal liberties and freedoms he's given me.  I am very content with my Partner In Crime and it would certainly take a truly amazing guy to convince me to give David up.  And Keith is not that man.

All of this honesty makes me slightly uncomfortable.  He was asking how I honestly viewed him as a love and a boyfriend. 

Honestly?  He was one of the worst sexual partners I've ever had.  But I certainly don't want to say that to him.  Even I'm not THAT cruel.  But at the same time, I don't want to lie and give him false praises.  So most of the time, I just ignore/avoid answering those questions.

As for the boyfriend- material?  We dated for like 2 to 3 months and I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me the last few weeks.  So no.  I don't feel he was awesome boyfriend material. 

Even ignoring both of those major downsides, I just never saw us going the distance.  I'm far too liberal, free spirited, and stubborn as hell.  It truly takes a very unique guy to put up with all my shit -- and I'm pretty sure David is the ONLY one who can, and is willing, to do that.

Ken Dreams

written: April 15th



I dreamt of Ken last night.  He is my psycho Ex -- my truly warped, mentally and emotionally abusive, horrible Ex.  And I truly hate it when I dream of him because it brings all those old issues and insecurities and fears back to the surface and he haunts my mind for the entire next day.  It's like a paper cut in my mind.  Minor, but always hurting, always drawing my attention to it.

He wasn't even horrible in this dream.  He was just his normal, charming self, trying to be my friend and help me out.  I kept trying to distance myself from him because, even in my dream, I knew he was a bad person.  But he kept popping up right beside me.  It was creepy but not distressing. 

Ken once claimed he had the ability to Dream Walk.  This basically means, he had the ability to put himself into the dreams of others.  And I swear he does.   There have been dreams in the past that I swear we were actually communicating...actually talking...almost like it was in real life instead of in a dream. 

And it's easier to say that he walks in my dreams because he FORCES himself in them.  It's more gratifying to always paint him the villain.  And to give him supernatural abilities that make him even more grotesque.  It's easier to lay all the blame on him.  That it's HIS fault.  And to take no responsibility for myself.

Do I feel he does possess the ability to Dream Walk?  Yes. 
Do I feel he is perverted enough to do so as a way to exercise control over me?  Yes.  But only in the past.  I don't think he does that to me any more. 

Either I've gotten better at my shielding.  Or my spirits shield me.  Or I have ignored him long enough that he's finally gotten the hint that I do not desire him to be in my life at all.  Honestly?  I think it's a mixture of all three.  And it only took ignoring him for the better part of a damn decade to drive home the point that I've moved on.  That I'm not interested in him.  That I want no part of him in my life at all.  Just a decade.  That's how warped he is.

So no.  I don't have to give him supernatural abilities to keep him a villain in my mind.  I simply have to recall all the horrid things he did to me and to my friends to remind myself to steer completely clear of him.  And because of all the horrible things I know he's done, I do still check in on his Facebook page from time to time.  Luckily for me, he's moved out of state.  But it's not that far of a drive from Georgia to Texas and he's been known to get a wild hair up his ass and make that drive on a whim.  So yes, I keep an eye on him because I want a heads up in case he decides to drop in on me (as he's been known to do in the past). 

So while I cease to believe he Dream Walks me nowadays, it doesn't make it any less unnerving when he does pop up in my dreams.  I think now, my mind pulls him up, the Predator (in the cruelest sense), to remind me to be aware of what's going on around me.  I get tunnel vision and only see things the way I want to see things...which keeps me blind to the darker manipulations of those around me.  That's typically when I get a Ken dream...a call from my subconscious to wake up and really take a good, long look at those around me.  Do they have my best interests at heart?  Or are they simply leading me, a dumb sheep, to the slaughter?  And am I blindly going along with it?  A Ken dream shakes me up and brings out my own predator intelligence.  A Ken dream shakes loose the blinders I put on myself and warns me to really look around and see what's truly going on.

Turtle Totem

written: April 14th



This month's MoonTime is upon me.  Each MoonTime, a Totem animal makes a noteworthy appearance and brings with it a message within its totem traits for me to reflect on during this time.

The animal that made the most noteworthy impression this time around was the lovely, ancient Alligator Snapping Turtle from the Abilene Zoon.  I have never seen one so interested and engaged with people like that one was with my Mom and I.  He seemed so very curious about us.

The turtle is associated with the lunar cycle and female energies.  It's associated with longevity and can teach new perceptions about time and our relationship with it.  The snapping turtle specifically teaches you to grab and how to use the mouth and all things associated with -- voice, sound, digestion -- in new ways.  Turtle reminds you to use your own head and knowledge to right yourself when your world gets topsy turvy.

First off, the lunar cycle and female energies.  I really skimped out on this past Esbat (Full Moon) ceremony.  The thought and the plan was there.....there was just no actual action taken -- no honest ceremony.  I really glossed over it.  The same goes for the typical MoonTime ceremony I do.  I didn't do a damn thing to mark nor honor this MoonTime.  I allowed all the craziness from the mundane world to dominate my life and pull my attention away.  Turtle is reminding me to focus more on the things that matter most to me.

Next up is the longevity and time perception.  I know I always believe I have more time, or all the time in the world.  I am a hard-core procrastinator.  I need to manage my time better if I truly want to accomplish anything of merit.

And the whole "seize your opportunities" ties into the time management issues.  I need to stop just expecting these opportunities to chase me down and tackle me.  They simply present themselves and it's up to me to do something with that opportunity.

And the last message is a reminder to use my own head, my own knowledge to right myself when life goes crazy.  I need to have better -- and more consistent -- faith in myself.  I have a very nasty trait of constantly selling myself short.  And I really need to stop doing that.  But the only way to learn what I truly am capable of is to get out there and do it.

It's like when I started using the elliptical again after more than a year had passed since the last time I used it.  I thought I would have to start small -- just five minutes on it -- because I wouldn't be able to do more.  And I was shocked as shit that first time when I did 15 minutes.  And I stopped because of my weak leg muscles -- not because I was winded.  That showed me that my cardio wasn't horrible -- now I just need to work on getting the muscles up to that level.  I am a lot stronger than I realize.  And a whole lot stronger that I give myself credit for.

An interesting side note: Turtle was the totem I used to call on when I was running (way back in the day).  The whole "slow and steady wins the race" was my Mantra.  At the time, I wasn't focused on speed or time.  I just wanted to make sure I was getting out there and moving.

Note: totem info taken from Animal Speak by Ted Andrews

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Abilene Zoo

written: April 13th



Mom and I woke up early and ventured over to the Abilene Zoo.  Turned out to be an absolutely amazing day to go.  So many of their various animals were active and easily seen.

I finally got one of my Holy Grail photos -- a picture of a Gaboon Viper flicking out its tongue -- a difficult shot to capture most of the time.  And yet, I managed to get THREE such shots!  I've been photographing animals for ages now, and this is a shot I've wanted for years, so I'm beyond thrilled.

The giant and ancient alligator snapping turtle seemed very interested in my Mom.  She'd made the comment that she wished the turtle would face her so she could see its eyes.  And shortly after that, it oh-so-slowly turned and studied each of us in turn.  And Mom then commented that his eyes looked like stars and how every cool they looked.  I made it a point to silently thank him for answering my Mom's request and told him he did indeed have very cool looking eyes.

And the crowning glory of the whole trip?  Apparently, the Abilene Zoo has FOUR Maned Wolves (Chrysocyon brachyurus) -- and three were up and very active.  One of the females had a small procedure done and was just waking up when we got there.  Her mate was very concerned about her being in a separate enclosure, monitored by a vet and some zoo staff while they waited for her to fully wake up.  While it's never good to have to put an animal under anesthesia, it certainly kept the other three engaged and curious.  And that made for some very nice photos of a notoriously shy, elusive, and mostly nocturnal species.  And that's a huge win my book.

After that, we headed over to the small town that my dentist is located in.  Mom said there was a nice splash of bluebonnets right across the road from my Grandmother's facility.  She said it might be a sign from some deity that the only good patch of bluebonnets is located there.  I will not lie.  I have avoided visiting my Grandmother as she slipped deeper and deeper into Alzheimer's and her delusions because it scares me -- terrifies me to be honest.  But I believe Mom was right -- it was a sign that I needed to swallow my fears and go visit my Grandmother.  She was so THRILLED to see me and I'm really glad I went.  Mom even brought her out to watch me take photos of the bluebonnets.  I even took a few photos of her with the bluebonnets in the background.

After that, it was off to the dentist.  A good visit -- or at least as good as a dentist visit can be!

And then, it was the three and a half hours back to the Metroplex.  More quiet, reflective time racing along a storm front.  I managed to remind just outside of the storm, which was nice -- because Texans are NOT known for their amazing skills for driving in the rain.

Thoughts on "Home"

written: April 12th



Sundays are usually quiet days.  I work four hours at Starbucks -- just 7 am to 11 am -- and leave right as the big Sunday rush hits.  It's one of my favorite days to work at Starbucks, to be honest.  It's usually the calmest our store ever is.

Typically, the rest of the day would sprawl lazily ahead of me.  But today I drove three and a half hours to my little hometown, where my Mom still lives.  I have a dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon one town over.  I could easily find a dentist in the massive Metroplex, but I love my small town dentist and dental hygienist.  I love that my dentist always teases me about my wolf fascination, even though I haven't been to Wolf Park since 2007.

So, on this atypical Sunday, I enjoyed a nice leisure drive through the heart of Texas.  I kept my eyes peeled for the bluebonnets that are just beginning to bloom.  It's a huge Texas tradition to take family portraits in the bluebonnets.  But it seems to be a bit too early just yet to do that.  In a week, we should hit peak bluebonnet season.  That's when there will be acres of bluebonnets covering the land, turning the meadows from lush green to inland seas of brilliant blue.  Just gorgeous.  I'll have to make a special trip out to the Fort Worth Nature Center with David to get our photos done for this year.

I enjoy these drives between the Metroplex and Lil Hometown.  It's mostly open highway and gorgeous country driving, with just a few sprinkles of small towns along the way.  When making this drive, it's always a good idea to never let your gas tank fall below half full.  When you hit the half full mark, you start looking around for the nearest gas station, just in case.  Some of those stretches of road are devoid of towns for quite a ways.

The bluebonnets and Indian paintbrushes are just starting to bloom.  There were small splashes of blue and white -- courtesy of the bluebonnets -- and mixed in were various shades of pinks, mauves, and oranges -- the Indian paintbrushes' contribution.  It really makes the drive so pretty.  I'm not typically a Spring person, but I love seeing all the wildflowers that blanket the Lone Star State.  If we were to ever move away from Texas, I would certainly miss the Texas Springs -- all the wonderful flowers.

I also love the drive because the last hour or so, I don't care for what the radio stations play -- a very nice selection of Country, Evangelical Christian, or Tejano music.  So that last hour or so, I drive in complete silence.  And I ponder all the things I want to under the sun.  No topic is off limits.  No topic is too grandiose nor minuscule.  I turn it all over in my mind -- religion, politics, and personal ideas.  I love the quiet and the peace the drive gives me.  I love the time and place it gives me to sort and order my thoughts and feelings on everything.

You know, I talk a huge game about being a Gypsy spirit -- of not wanting to settle anywhere for a long term.  But, no matter how far my dreaming mind takes me, I've always pictured Texas as home.  I've dreamed of traveling the world, but at the end of each dream, I always returned to Texas.  This place honestly is my Soul's Home -- I feel my happiest driving through this amazing state.  Not knocking the other states -- I've seen many gorgeous places outside of Texas. Some even called out to me -- that I wouldn't mind even living there for a few years.  But in the end, I believe I will always return to Texas.

Nine And Roses



written: April 11th
 
Today I celebrated my ninth year free of Self-Injurious behavior -- better known as "cutting" to the general populace.  I typically don't use the term "cutting", because my Self-Injury didn't always manifest in that manner.  But I'm not going to delve into the specifics here, as that is not the point of this entry.  The point is that I made a conscious choice nine years ago to find another coping strategy for all the anger, depression, panic, and out-of-control emotions I was feeling.  I quit cold turkey and I've resisted that urge to injure for 3,285 days now in a row.  It certainly sounds more impressive to me when I state it as nine years.  NINE years.  That's so damn impressive to me.  It's been particularly rough the past two years, but I am staying strong.  I don't want to backslide.  And I certainly don't want to be in the same mentality space as I was back then either.  That was a very dark, very scary place.

I did end up going to the Japanese Botanical Gardens today.  I didn't realize how utterly massive the Botanical Gardens were until I got there.  The Japanese Gardens are just a tiny part.  I also hit the Rose Garden -- so pretty.

It was a serious bitch and a half to get there.  The normal 40 minute drive took TWO HOURS thanks to a lot of one lane traffic plus key streets being completely shut down -- thanks Texas road construction!  A few times I was very tempted to simply give up, turn around, and just go home.  But I am glad my natural stubborn streak popped up and refused to concede defeat to such a mundane foe.  Nothing short of dragons or an alien invasion was going to stop me.  Though, truth be told, dragons would have been pretty cool!

Once I got tot he Botanical Gardens and parked my car, I could truly relax and simply enjoy my surroundings.  While I did not have the Japanese Gardens all to myself (that would have been so amazing), the minor $5 entrance fee did keep the crowd in there very low.  There were a number of times that I found myself blissfully alone inside the gardens.  And the whole layout of the gardens was so visually beautiful -- striking in their serene splendor.  It quietly demanded that you slow down, quiet down, and simply enjoy and absorb the Zen peace it so joyfully radiated.  I only wish I had remembered to bring quarters, so I could have bought fish food to feed the massive koi there.  It's supposed to bring you good luck.  Ah well, it's an excuse to return.  I really would like to go back in the autumn.

After the Japanese Gardens, I opted to check out the Rose Garden on a complete whim, seeing as how it was right across the street.  I don't even really care for roses -- they are such an overused flower -- the cliche romantic gesture.  And for the most part, I wasn't overly impressed with their various roses.  But two I fell in love with.  The first, the "Scentimental" (a Floridbunda Rose) -- which I nicknamed the "Dexter" Rose as it's white with red splattered on it.  The second, the "Watercolors" (a Scrub Rose), with its vibrant pinky-red petals and soft white or yellow center.  I wouldn't mind growing those in my yard -- whenever we finally get a house.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Bitten



So the Spring Cleaning bug has finally bitten me.
Well, to be honest, it's been nibbling at me for over a month now.  Well....a couple of months.  Ok, ok, so ever since we had to accept that we were doomed....erm....destined to do another year in this apartment, I've been wanting to declutter. 

I'm such a damn packrat.  I save so many things, citing various uses...that honestly?  I never get around to implementing.  And I swear it's because I'm hoarding so much that I get completely overwhelmed and then I forget what all I DO have.  So honestly?  What's the point of saving it if I'm never going to use it?

A blogger I read was talking about decluttering and mentioned a book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.  Basically the part that stuck with her (that in turn really struck a cord with me) was that it recommends getting rid of EVERY THING that does not "spark joy."  And I got to looking around at the various things I have on my shelves and elsewhere and thought "Nope.  No spark.  It has got to go."  And I'm actually giving myself permission to let these items go. 

I'm tired of the clutter.  I'm tired of the stuff that doesn't spark joy.  It's just bogging me down and hampering my personal level of joy. So why the fuck would I elect to keep that crap around?

I'm going in baby steps and am going with gut instinct.  Basically, if I wouldn't want to spend the time packing it up for a move to take to a new home, it's gone.

Now granted, I'm not sure what exactly I'm going to do with the massive bag of stuffed animals I'm getting rid of just yet.  But I will figure something out.  A lot of them are in AMAZING condition, so I'm thinking about listing them dirt cheap on eBay.  A little bit of money is always nice.  And if I'm going to get rid of it anyways, why not make a buck or two off of it for my troubles?  I figure anything left over, I'll just take to Good Will.  Or maybe contact the police department and see if they accept the stuffed animals for shelter children, or children removed from their homes by Child Protective Services.

I went through the ancient chest I have underneath my massive lion painting.  I found all sorts of crap in there.  ::laughs::  The sad discovery?  The altar cloth with the hawk's feather I made for my Vision Quest is deteriorating.  The feather is turning to powder essentially, and sadly, I had to let that altar cloth go.  I guess I will just have to make a new cloth when it comes time for the next Vision Quest.  The other two hawk feathers in there might be salvageable.  I'll have to look at them closer later.  It would be a shame to lose those as well.

But nothing in this life is permanent, and thus, you have to let go of things when it's time. 

I've also gone through 6 years worth of lesson plans and assorted paperwork for my after school program.  Hell, 80% of that shit it getting tossed.  Thankfully, my apartment complex just instituted a recycling program, so it's not like all of that paper is just going into the trash heap.  It'll be recycled, so I feel a bit better about throwing so much out.  I'm just not looking forward to lugging that down three flights of stairs!

Next on the list is to go through my books.  Those I'll list on eBay and Amazon for sure.  I know I can make a bit of money there.  And if it doesn't sell there, I'll take the leftovers to Half Priced Books.  I won't get a whole lot of money there.  But again, anything is better than nothing!

I'm hoping that by freeing up all this dead, negative weight that I'm also in the process of opening up new avenues and areas for blessings to flow into.  Still got a lot of work ahead of me, but I'm feeling pretty damn good about it all.

Onwards and upwards!

Friday, April 10, 2015

Change in Plans



Sometimes it really sucks to live in the 2nd largest state in the US.  And it certainly sucks to have towns named very similar to each other, but to be nowhere near each other.

I was planning to attend the 2nd Annual Texas Rattlesnake Festival on Saturday.  I thought it was in WHITE Rock, Texas -- which is only about 40 minutes away from me.  Turns out, it's in ROUND Rock, Texas -- which is about 4 HOURS away from me.  ::sighs::  Talk about serious disappointment.

Now, I only have myself to blame, as I've known about this festival for a while now.  I should have done my background research sooner and asked for Sunday off of work at Starbucks, as I have no problem making a 4 hour trip.  I just don't want to do an 8 hour round trip in one day. 

So now I'm scrambling to find something else to do this Saturday, as it's my 9th anniversary of being self-injurious behavior free.  And I always try to do something nice to mark the occasion. 

I'm not really feeling like doing a zoo trip, as I'll be going to the Abilene Zoo on Monday with my Mom.  Neither local exotic animal sanctuary was particularly calling to me, so those were out.  Hell, I looked at the various museums we have in the area and even those held no appeal.  I started trying to make peace with the fact that I might not be doing anything overly special this year, but that I would go all out next year.

Then I remembered....what about the Japanese Botanical Gardens?  I'm sure they're more gorgeous to visit in the autumn, but I haven't been there in ages.  Turns out, it's pretty damn cheap to go there!

So while I may not be neck deep with hundreds of rattlesnakes from all points of the globe....but maybe I wasn't supposed to go there this year.  Maybe, for the 9th year of non-injurious behavior, I'm supposed to spend some quiet time in nature.  Maybe I'm supposed to go to the Japanese Botanical Gardens with my camera and just spend the day loosing myself in the beauty?

At least, that's the mindset I'm adopting. 
I'm choosing to accept this as the better thing for me in the moment. 
I'm choosing not to pout at the door that's been closed, but instead, look at what's been opened.

And now that I understand geographically where the Texas Rattlesnake Festival is being held, you know damn well I'm planning for next year already!  I'm going to get my butt there for sure!  I'll take the weekend off of work (if I even have to), and I'll make a weekend event of it.  And with Round Rock being so close to Austin, I could easily travel into the capital and see things there as well.  I'll just do a better job planning that stuff a bit more in advance than just 2 days prior!  ::laughs::

So for now, the plan is the Japanese Botanical Gardens on Saturday.  Sunday, I'll do my shift at Starbucks and then I'm driving to Coleman.  Hopefully, somewhere around Coleman, I can get photos done in the bluebonnets, as those have really started blooming up quite nicely.  Monday morning is a trip to the Abilene Zoo (which has an AMAZING little reptile house, that just got a brand new 14 foot albino Burmese python).  That afternoon is my 6 month cleaning at the dentist (boo!  hiss!), and then I'm headed home.  Hell, I'm almost exhausted just reading all of that!