Samurai

Doing better than I was a few days ago.
The sadness is still here. Hiding behind my eyes.
The impulse to cut is still there.

I realize now it’s a warped way of thinking that brings it on. Like the bulimic individuals that always see themselves as huge, no matter how little they weigh.

For me, the bare, unmarked skin on my lower arms just looks unnatural. Like it’s suppose to be marked up. It doesn’t have to be bloody, or scabbed over. I think even if it was just scars, I wouldn’t have the impulse to cut so badly.

Hell, I’m even thinking of putting a small tattoo on my wrist to see if that will curb these desires. Gotta love how this lil warped mind of mine is playing.

I came across this quote/question posed by SageGoddess on Facebook for the past new moon:
When you lose your Vision, can you trust your inner wisdom and surrender to faith?

And damn, does it intrigue me.

I’ve lost my Vision.
I’ve lost my Way.
I’ve lost my Path so many countless times.

And yet, I always come back, stronger and more determined. Like a damn pit bull, or a wolverine (seriously, those are the true bad-asses of the animal world).

And yet, that quote, while it intrigues me, I scoff so hard at it.

I don’t know when I became so jaded.
So disillusioned.
So hard.

I’ve been a victim so many times. No need to brandish the details there, like they are some badge of courage.

I certainly don’t hate myself over them (anymore). That took a long time to get past.

But now, I pride myself on being a survivor. A fighter.

For so long, I was taught to swallow my anger and my hate. To simmer in my impotency. And I’ve sworn that will never happen again.

And now, I feel I am Rage at my core. Anger flows through me and Hate is like oxygen. And any time anyone speaks of peace, of calm, of tranquility, oh how I shake my head. Or at best, I think to myself How nice. But it’s not meant for me.

I am not meant for a tranquil life.
I tell myself over and over that I am a Warrior.
I’m meant for blood and battle.
Hell, I cultivate sociopathic tendencies. I herald them as Strengths.

What the fuck am I even fighting for anymore?

My life is a good one. So why am I so loathe to lay down my blade?

Me thinks it’s time to look into the Samurai. They were mighty fierce warriors. And yet....they were so much more. They had peace. They embraced beauty and kindness and good deeds. All things I need more of in my life.