No More Vodka

Damn, I got into a really dark head-space last night. No more vodka for me. It was fun in the beginning, but then I bottomed out and couldn't get out of there. I ended up going to bed at 9 pm because I was entering some seriously dangerous thought-patterns. I think I'll steer clear of the hard liquor for a while now. I have no desire to go back there again any time soon.

But it did make me realize the drain working both jobs is putting on me and the fact that between the two jobs, I'm working 7 days a week. I just can't function that way.

I don't work at Starbucks on Thursday, so I'm taking that day off of the after-school program too. I need a day to myself to reset and recharge. I'm running on empty and that always leads to a serious bottoming out...like last night.

At one point last night I contemplated a suicide attempt just because it would get me committed for 72 hours. That would be a full 72 hours in which the "real world" wouldn't bother me. I'd sleep, do therapy, maybe some art, and that's it. *shakes her head* Like I said, very dangerous head-space, which is why I took my punk ass to bed.

Thursday is also International Polar Bear Day. I've got my altar set up for that. I'm going to spend a little time in front of it, just reaffirming my dream of seeing these guys in the wild and that I'm able to save up the necessary funds and do this trip before I turn 40. I just need to remind myself what the big goal is here and what steps I need to take to ensure I get there.