Impulses

Impulses are riding high recently.

I have the desire to write here, but what to write? I work 7 days a week between the two jobs. I don't have much of a life outside of that currently, so what am I supposed to write about that anyone would give a damn about?

Man, I need a vacation. I'm kind of hoping that David stays with his desire to make the trip to his parents' house in Delaware a road-trip. We'd be gone for a little over a week if we do it that way. I'd get to do some serious highway driving, which I adore. Plus get to see some sights along the way. AND I would have a car there at his parents' house, so I could easily do lunch with a few on-line buddies that are in the area.

The impulse to cut is coming back stronger than ever. Still not a danger to myself. I'm far too stubborn to give in and break my almost 8 years being self-inflicted injury free. But that doesn't make the desire go away or even lessen. I just don't give in to it. Doesn't help that I have a box-cutter on me all the time due to Starbucks. Tempting, but I'm not giving in. I just wish the impulse to do so would go away. Sucks cut open a box at work and then be mesmerized by the blade for a few seconds before forcing myself to put it away. I really do suspect that Self-Inflicted Injury is an addictive behavior, even though the mental health community doesn't list it as such. It's kind of fucked up that all these so-called "normal" people are the ones making decisions about mental illnesses they've never experienced. But on the other hand, do we really need me making decisions about self-inflicted injury, or bipolar disorder? Naw, I think not.

Sleep is hit and miss. Most nights I sleep for 3 to 4 hours, am up for an hour, and then sleep until my alarm goes off. I wish I could sleep the whole night through. And that's with me taking prescription sleep medications.

Am totally crushing on one of my co-workers, but it's because it's a safe crush. I'm married and he's got a steady girlfriend so it's not like anything would ever happen. And then add to the mix that he's friggin' 19 years old. Just a baby. So yeah, even if we were both single, I wouldn't do anything because I have no desire to be a cougar! *chuckles* I'm 13 years older than him. I'd had my bachelor's degree for SEVEN years when he graduated high school. That just makes me feel all sorts of pervy. *laughs* But he's hilarious and a blast to work with, so that makes the job more enjoyable.

I'm craving real cigarets. I've got the e-cig thanks to David, but I don't want it. I want an honest-to-god cancer stick. Thank goodness I'm too much of a cheapskate to drop $7 (or how ever much they cost now) for a pack of cigs.

It's funny. I won't drop $7 for cigarets, but I crapped a lot of money on myself this week. Hell, I've spent more on myself this week than I have in the past month (not counting bills). I bought three books:
* a hardback copy of The Silver Wolf  by Alice Borchardt. I have the other two books in this trilogy in hardback, and I've been wanting the first book to match the set for a while now.
* When The Lion Roars by Galina Krasskova. Another devotional book to the goddess Sekhmet that I've been eying for a while.
* God Bless America: Strange and Unusual Religious Beliefs and Practices in the United States by Karen Stollznow. It's been a while since I've brushed up on minority religions, and this one struck my fancy.

And then I bought myself a new wand. One I've been eying for over a month now and really like. Just waiting for it to arrive in the mail, then I'll share photos. Gorgeous cedar wood, large crystal point, and leather fringe. What could be better? *chuckles* It's simple, but stunning.

AND I picked up a two-pack of Moleskin journals today. I'm hosting another journal swap, but most of my journals are almost complete. And I don't want any of the swap people to feel like they can only do one or two layouts. So a new journal was in demand. Now I get to decide what artwork I want to put on the cover and then do a few pages before starting the swap.

I am craving Tequila again. But we don't have any in the apartment, and I don't feel like driving over to Highland Village to get hard liquor, so I'm stuck with Baileys and Vodka at the moment. Well...I'm on just vodka now as I don't want to drink up all the Baileys just yet. David would be none too pleased. I'd forgotten the burn that straight Vodka had. Should be a fun night. Too bad I have to work both jobs tomorrow or I would work on getting totally smashed.

I've made a new list of 101 Goals to Accomplish in 1001 Days. You can view them here.