Nut Shell

The Harpies are quiet and that typically means whatever they were chattering about is right around the corner…if not already in my lap.

And I think I have figured out what they were chattering about…trying to warn me some big shift was coming…something that would change my world in some way.

In a nutshell (and you’ll see how accurate that word truly is) – it’s Hazel.

She is batshit crazy and clingy and all things that typically make me run screaming in the other direction as fast and as hard as I can go.

So she invited my husband and me out to Buffalo Wild Wings on Saturday to watch the UFC Fight Card with her and her husband, Dallas.  Dallas is a huge UFC fan, as am I and it’s something we’ve discussed the few times I’ve interacted with him.  So I accepted and loaded up the Hubs and headed over to hang out at a bar and watch the fights. 

And it all went downhill FAST.

To sum it up (because I don’t want to hash out every tiny detail here):

·         Hazel practically begged my husband to never forbid me to hang out with her because we are “soul mates” and the “best of friends” – I’ve know this chic since December and we’ve only hung out a handful of times.  There is no way I can be that important to her life already.

·         She wanted to take a selfie of her and me because “all her online friends utterly hate me and this will just fuck them up”.  Seriously?  Who does this other than middle school people?

·         She asked me for pointers on oral sex – specifically swallowing – loud enough that everyone around us could hear it OVER the various sports on TV. 

·         She kept talking shit during the fight about the fighters – again, loud enough that it was a real concern we’d get kicked out for it.

·         She suggested we have a slumber party.  For reals.

·         She said that she just wants to come hang out at my apartment (I never once said this was an option…my husband and I guard our home very jealously, and are HIGHLY selected of whom we will allow in) to hang out and snuggle. 

·         She made my husband extremely uncomfortable by suggesting we go on “couple dates” with her and her husband….and then made it a point to really invade his personal space while talking.  Her boobs were practically touching his chest when she was talking to him, she was that close.  And he kept backing up and she kept moving forward.

·         She has made business cards for our lil Pagan group and then decided to invite our waitress to the group based solely on the fact that our waitress is a lesbian.  Just because someone is a lesbian, does NOT make them Pagan.  It just smacked too much of Christianity’s push to convert people for me to EVER be ok with it.

It was just a bad night all around.  SEVEN hours of this.  And at the end, she was mouthing off so bad, everyone would continuously look over at us about it.  And anyone who knows me, KNOWS that I utterly HATE being the center of attention.  And when that attention is borderline hostile AND from various groups of males?  I can’t handle that.  I was so glad to leave.

I was supposed to go to her place on Sunday afternoon for making these Marti bracelets, but after all of that?  There was no way I could do it.  I was literally getting SICK just thinking about going over there.  And that’s when the Harpies got real quiet.  When they stop chattering it’s because they are waiting to see what my next move is.

And I chose not to go.  I couldn’t go back into that after all the shit that went down Saturday night.  It just made me so damn uncomfortable.  So instead, I’ll be making the Marti bracelets for the Hubs and I myself.  Alone.  At my own altar.  In my own sacred space. 

And now, I’m questioning my involvement with the group.  I know for sure, I will NOT be stepping up as Priestess.  I have too much already on my plate just trying to keep my head above water with school work and WORK.  I don’t need to take on any outside insanity right now.

Honestly, I think I’ll be stepping back from the group a bit right now anyways.  I need to do some meditation and go talk with the Harpies and see what they are willing to say.  

Updated:  Totally forgot this GEM from that night as well:
Her randomly shouting out how much she hates "fucking white people" (she's Hispanic) and how she hates the British (one of the fighters was British) and their "fucking Centralized Banking System" -- I shit you not.  Like, legit batshit crazy shit.

Thankful Thursday

written yesterday:

I am thankful…

1.       The hardest section of the semester-long project for INFO 5200 is finally done and submitted.  That was an utter beast of a project.

2.       Beautiful not-quite Full Moon I saw while walking Holly this evening.

3.       The weather is slowly warming back up after our minor dip into cooler temperatures.  We haven’t had much of a winter.

4.       Leviathan’s gone blue and I caught it this time.  So I’ve already set up a moist hide for her to utilize.  Hopefully this means this shed will be better than the previous ones.

5.       That even though the scale hasn’t changed and even though my bad knee has kept me off the elliptical all this week, I am slimming down.  I’ll need to order some new jeans in the next month because my “thinner” jeans are sliding off at times and I have to wear a belt with them.

6.       Awesome dinner with Allison this past Saturday.  She made these awesome parmesan spinach balls and then a stuffed chicken breast that were awesome.  We haven’t hung out with her in a while, so it was nice to catch up with her as well.

7.       All the awesome letters I have received through the Month of Letters Challenge.  They  have been very welcomed surprises this month.

8.       That we MAY be able to close on the house sooner than the original date of April 15^th.  Nothing is set in stone, and it hinges on the owner’s ability to get everything in order before then, but there is a possibility of it, and that would be amazing.

9.       My Red-Tailed Hawks have returned to the woods for another nesting season.  Sadly, their nest from last year didn’t survive the storms after they had left and I think they are nesting elsewhere in the woods.

10.   My awesome husband for not only surviving my stressed out flailings about school work, but reminding me that I’ve got this.  And for encouraging me to have a smoke to destress when necessary.

Holy Shit

So, barring any craziness with the appraisal, the house is ours.
AND, there’s a possibility we may be able to move in.......
SOMETIME IN MARCH.

Oh my goodness, that would be amazing.

Like holy shit. We may be moving into OUR HOUSE next MONTH!!!!!!!

Oh god. We have so much shit to clean! ::laughs::

Harpies on the Horizon

The Harpies are whispering in my ear and I know soon I need to sit down and have an open dialog with them. It’s better if I initiate the conversation. It doesn’t bode well to ignore Harpies until they force you to sit down and LISTEN. ::chuckles:: That typically involves one hell of a storm, possibly both in the real world and in the internal world. And honestly, not something I really need right now in my life.

But the main word I keep hearing them whisper over and over and over here recently is “humble”. And it brings to mind something my psycho ex used to love saying: “Humble yourself before you ARE humbled.” Now, stripping away his negative association to the phrase....it is a good one to remember.

At least in my Walk of Life, anytime I got too “big for my britches” (as we are fond of saying here in Texas), Sekhmet/Goddess/Deity/Universe/LIFE has a fond affection for ripping the rug out from under me. But when I remain humble and connected…I can see that life changing Rug Pull before it comes, and I can prepare better for it. So that when it does happen, I can land right (like a cat) instead of breaking a hip because I was blind-sided.

And I think right now, the “humble” warning is coming because of the Pagan group I’m deeply involved with. Hazel has stated from the very first meeting, that she is NOT the leader. She is the one creating space, and that the leader will show up.

And I won’t lie. I kind of fancied myself as being the leader. Imagine, me as Priestess of a Coven? After all, I was joking about me being the “elder” of the group a week or so ago.

I won’t say High Priestess, because, I believe to claim that title, one must have certain initiations and training. Typically, within the standard Coven “degree” system, a High Priestess is a 3rd degree initiate. And I am no where near that.

Hazel is kind of gently prodding me towards the Priestess/Leader position. Which makes sense in our little group. I’m the one with the most experience, as a solitary and in Coven work. I’m the one that’s branched out into various “flavors” of Paganism/Shamanism. I’m the one that’s done the Vision Quest, the Sweat Lodges, written a number of rituals, who has the fancy tools, and who’s walked this Path the longest of the group.

I decided to pull an Oracle card to get some clarification on what the Harpies mean by “humble” – and I drew “Stay Strong” from the Messenger Oracle deck (which is quickly becoming my favored deck). While looking at the card, it didn’t particularly speak to me, but once I read the write up…talk about being hit by a thunderbolt:

“Life will present you with many trials. Life will bring you times of joy, but also times of suffering; like the weather, it can be unpredictable, harsh and cruel. But you can endure all that comes. Know when to resist, and known when to let go. Know that sometimes you will lose, but that loss can make you stronger at the core. Stay strong. With hope and faith, you can endure it all.”

So yeah, me and the Harpies need to sit down and talk. I need to know what Rug Pulling is on the horizon. And I need to start preparing for it now.

I complain and whine so much about “not having the time” for various things. I think it’s high time, I CHOOSE to MAKE the time.

Thankful Thursday

written: Feb 18th

It’s been a shitty ass day. One of the worst I’ve had in AGES. So I feel my traditional Thankful Thursday is even more important than ever. I’m sure it’s gonna be like pulling teeth…but let’s get to pulling.

I am grateful…
1. the awesome group that Hazel has pulled together. If nothing else, just mentoring Hazel in this is forcing me to solidify my own personal beliefs and thoughts. I love it.
2. my Red-Tailed Hawks have returned to my wooded trails. I hope to get to see them raise another brood.
3. beautiful dedication ritual I got to help with for Hazel. I was very hesitant about doing it in the woods at night, but damn. We found an amazing place and it was perfect. Just perfect.
4. the daily walks with Holly. With the weather being more pleasant, we’ve been walking a little bit further than usual. I am hoping this will be good for Holly. And I need the extra outside time, so it benefits me. It takes us much longer to do the slightly longer walk, but the benefits are worth it.
5. we got the inspection done on the house and are now in the process of submitting the repair requests. Now it’s just a waiting game to see what the owner says.
6. found a cute composition notebook to continue my daily journaling in. It’s purple with skulls! I’m excited to get to writing in it.
7. doing well thus far in my classes. They are kicking my butt a bit, but not as badly as I thought they would.
8. that the weather has been absolutely gorgeous recently. I’m loving it.
9. planning for Ostara already for our little group. I’ve got some fun plans and Hazel is getting excited about it as well. Should be a great first Sabbat for the group.
10. and now I’m thankful that I am done with this round of Thankful Thursday.

Like a Beast

So after a week sidelined by a knee issue (basically, I bashed my bad knee into a table at work – one of those long cafeteria tables – and managed to move the entire table four inches, long-wise.....JUST WITH MY BAD KNEE).....

I hopped on the elliptical and was able to knock out 23 minutes. WOOHOO!

Seriously, it’s a double-edged sword right now.

I am not longer fat enough to naturally hold up my “thin” jeans (I will soon have to start using a belt because it’s annoying as hell to be constantly pulling them back up)......but I don’t really have the money at the moment to buy the next size down.

And for my friends who do the marathons and whatnot.....shoe and/or insole suggestions? I’m great up until the 20 minute mark, and then the balls of both feet start to ache. It then becomes one hell of a mental battle because my feet HURT. So anything that’s $110 or less would be super helpful!

Barring any Insanity

Yes, barring any craziness the Universe may throw our way (and I’m praying that It plays nice in this realm)......

We have a house!

::flails around all giddy::

Crashing......

I am crashing and burning. And I can see the crash coming and yet there truly is jack shit I can do to avoid it. And I hate this. I hate this so damn bad.

I got on the elliptical yesterday and banged out 25 minutes non-stop. I’m actually a little sore. And I did it because my depression is suffocating me and I’m trying to do everything I can to tip the scales back in my favor.

It was either run or cut. And I haven’t cut in almost a decade now. I can’t trash that record when I’m so damn close to a decade.

And I just hate this all. It’s clinical depression, not trigger depression. So honestly, other than medication, there really isn’t anything to do but endure.

And I really don’t want to go back on medication. I always come out worse for wear than if I had just soldiered through.

It’s so bad that I was reading the question I have to do an essay response to by Monday for my INFO 5000 class – basically it’s about two different libraries and if it can be “bookless” and still be called a library and I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in my head WHO FUCKING CARES???????

But seriously? Who fucking cares? Really? Other than my professor who has posed this question. How the hell does answering this stupid ass question get me any closer to get a damn job in THE FUCKING REAL WORLD?

I’m sliding back and forth between rage and depression and I’m hating this.

Maybe I should run tonight as well......
If nothing else, that should dampen down the rage....

Elder

Me? An “elder”? Who’d a thunk that? ::laughs::

Hazel, a Pagan friend I’ve come to really like in the few times I’ve hung out with her since she started up a group for Pagan women in our city, has asked me to help her perform her dedication ritual.

Originally, she asked me to dedicate her, but in my views, that would be the same as me initiating her. And in my views, only a coven can initiate, and just two Witches that have done one ritual together does not make a coven. So instead, I’ve offered to help her do a self-dedication instead.

At first, I thought to myself, “This is something an elder does. And at the young age of 34, I am most certainly not an elder.”

But, the more I thought about it, I’m certainly closer to being an elder than Hazel is. I’ve been walking the Pagan path for close to 20 years now. I’ve done solitary work. I’ve been a part of three Covens. So yeah, I have some clout here.

And while I will not call myself an elder (outside of joking around), this is a role that resonates with me. I have always thought it would be an awesome responsibility to be an elder for a Pagan community. I just didn’t think I would be doing that right now.

So I’ve told Hazel that we need to meet up to go over her ritual (meaning, SHE will be writing the ritual out).

She wants to hold her dedication ritual next weekend, if we can find an outdoor place that works for her (and if the weather behaves – especially seeing as how last year, winter didn’t hit until mid-February).