Unicorn

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Sometimes ya just have to say “fuck it” and go be a unicorn for a while. Today was one of those days.

Man, today has been ROUGH on me. Depression has been bad today. And having a borderline headache all day long doesn’t do much to lift one’s spirits. Intrusive thoughts have been bad today as well, and the urge to cut has been stupid high today. Today is one of the suckiest Mondays I’ve had in a while and I’m ready for it to be over.

But we had Mackenzie back on our campus today. That did a lot to lift my spirits. I seriously love having her on my campus. I wish we could just keep her. ::chuckles::
I managed to mail out Leida’s journal to Sharmila today. Fingers crossed that it moves as swiftly as possible to reach Sharmila. ::chuckles:: Leida mailed out Ali’s journal to me today. I need to do a better job of not procrastinating on working in the journals. ::chuckles:: Yeah, wish me luck with that one.

It turns out the Sunday that I was going to work at the F. Library, and would be unable to go to the Bone Divination class…yeah, they aren’t even open the hours I wanted to do, so I was able to bow out of working that day. Soooooo, I WILL be going to the Bone Divination class after all! Yay! I’m rather excited about this form of divination.

And just in case anyone is concerned about me…I’ve been dealing with depression since middle school. I’ve not engaged in non-suicidal self-injury behavior in almost 13 years now. I know my triggers and have healthy coping mechanisms in place now so that I am not a danger to myself or to others. And part of that healthy coping mechanism is writing about it – instead of DOING it. Writing about it, acknowledging that it is there, and then letting it go is how I cope instead of carving my issues into my skin. And this round is actually easier to deal with because I know it’s being triggered by the death of my grandmother and is part of my grieving process. When I know WHERE the issue is stemming from, then I can find ways to cope. It’s when the chemical imbalance comes to play and there is no external trigger, that it becomes hard to just ride it out. But, for as much as I’m struggling right now, I am ok.

I will make it through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And honestly, there is no way through but through. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Man, I would love nothing more than to just sleep the day way. To hide under my covers and deny anything is wrong. But these assignments aren’t going to do themselves. These Practicum hours aren’t going to do themselves. And if I am not at work, I am not making money. So. Yeah. Can’t be doing that just yet.

Honoring

written: February 24

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One of the beautiful peach colored roses that was in the flower arrangement for my Grandmother. I stopped by the cemetery on my way home today, specifically to get one of those roses. While I was there, I also dusted off my grandparents’ headstone and my great uncle’s headstone (he is right beside them) as they were a little dirty due to the burial yesterday.

I have the rose drying in my closet at the moment. Once it is completely dried, it will be placed on my altar for my grandmother.

I am still debating how I want to set up an ancestor altar for her. Yesterday I wrote down some notes on possibly making a shelf (written in my physical journal), but then I thought of doing a locket necklace instead? Like I could put her photo in the locket and then get charms for the other things I associate with my grandmother – like a pug, a turtle, a ruler, an apple, etc. I guess the main thing is, I don’t know if this will become a permanent altar/shrine for my Grandmother, or if it will be more of a temporary thing. So for now, I’m kind of putting the brakes on this whole thing. I’ll just set up part of my main altar to be just for my Grandmother until I figure it out.

All in all, it was a very good weekend. The service was beautiful. Having that much of the family all gathered together was awesome as well. The drive home was pleasant. And it was really good to BE home again as well.

I had a letter waiting for me from my Swiss pen pal (Lisa F.). Today was also the Virtual Write In for LetterMo, so I got quite a few letters written this evening that I’ll mail out tomorrow. I also mailed a postcard from the Hometown mail box, which gives me my 3rd different mail box challenge. If I had been thinking about it, I would have brought two postcards to mail, and would have mailed the 2nd one from the Tiny Country Town my grandmother was buried in – they have a tiny little post office there. I actually kind of want to mail myself a postcard from there, just to see if the postmark will say that Tiny Town’s name.

I really should just get myself a HUGE desk calendar to use at home. I have my planner and then I have printed out calendars to figure out when I will do my Practicum hours and I forget to check them both. I went ahead and emailed my Practicum Supervisor the days and times I wanted to work for the first two weeks of March. THEN I realized the ONE Sunday I wanted to work is the SAME Sunday that the Bone Divination class that I REALLY want to go to is being held. ::sighs:: I was tempted to email her immediately and say, “Ooops, can’t work that day”, but I’m not going to do that. Sucks that I’m going to miss the Bone Divination class, but I’ve already made that commitment with the F. Library. guess I’ll just have to wait until that class comes back around again.

Service

written: February 23

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Suzanne (a cousin of mom’s) found this ruler with my grandmother’s name on it when she was cleaning out one of the closets at the school. She found the ruler the day before my grandmother passed. Suzanne brought it to my mom today in case we wanted it.

There is so much to say about this day and everything that happened, but I’m just not ready to put those things into words.

Suffice it to say, my grandfather’s spirit showed up to collect my grandmother. So I know she’s in good hands. And the service itself was beautiful. I’ll write more on that when I am ready.

Turtle

written: February 22

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The temporary turtle tattoo arrived today. I can already tell that it probably isn’t going to last long due to constant movement, but I do like the way it looks. I would want a slightly smaller turtle, and moved a little bit further away from the wrist. But all in all, I like the look.

I mailed out Katie’s package. I was supposed to just send her the Red Fast Luck Oil, but then I started tossing in little bits and bobs. I had to fill out the padded envelope because NO ONE likes a lop-sided envelope! ::chuckles::

There was just no way I could get to the post office with enough time to mail out Leida’s journal to Sharmila – it requires me to fill out customs papers. And I will be busy all day tomorrow with funeral things. But I do have the journal packed up and ready to go on Monday, so hopefully it won’t be too terribly late.

My Wintergreen oil arrived today. This eBay seller shipped SO quickly. Now, on the next paycheck, I’ll just have to buy Vanilla oil and a carrier oil of some sort and I’ll have everything I need for the Red Fast Luck Oil. And Hazel Nut said she was totally game to making this while we are doing our Day of Ritual in March. I am glad I listened to that intuition nudge and bought TWO mixing bottles. She’ll have a good sized amount for herself. She’s also sent me a list of items she would like me to bring for the Day of Ritual – my athame and my drum for sure. Just need to figure out what day we are doing all of this so I can get that blocked off and not schedule anything crazy that day. ::smiles:: It’ll be nice to do ritual with her again.

Evening Shift

written: February 21

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A teaser photo from one of the pages I did in Leida’s journal. Just waiting for the paint to dry so I can work on some more before it’s time to mail it out to Sharmila.

I did a long evening shift at the F. Library. But honestly, it went really well and really fast. I am tempted to take on a few more of these, spaced out over the month, just so I can knock more hours out and have to do less days. And less days means less toll fees, which is always a good thing in my book. ::chuckles::

I got to sit in on the Self-Publishing class with Adult Services today. I finally made it to the 4th floor! ::laughs:: And more and more, I want to work at the F. Library. One of the Librarians running the class has purple hair! Not completely purple, but purple highlights and the underneath part was dark purple. Just loved it. So it would seem that things like this would be ok at the F. Library – nose piercings, small tattoos, and non-natural hair color. And the people, seriously, are THE BEST people. The two Adult Services librarians I was with for an hour were just as excited to have me helping out as all the others I’ve come in contact with.

And honestly, the traffic was super light both going to the F. Library and coming back home at those hours. I wouldn’t mind working that shift or a similar one because of that – if I get a full time position, that is. I’ll work this shift again next week and I’m actually looking forward to it. I just need to remember to pack some sort of snack because by the time I got home, I was so hungry! ::chuckles::

Metamorphosis

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Dew on the grass. I liked how it made a nice line of drops.

I had JUST enough Red Fast Luck Oil to fill the LAST little roller ball 5 mL jar I have to send it to a friend in need. ::smiles:: And she was kind enough to send $10 as a thank you, so I’ve already started buying the necessary supplies to make another batch of the oil. ::smiles:: All I need now is the Vanilla oil and a carrier oil of some sort. Not sure what I’ll use just yet. I have the Cinnamon oil and have ordered the Wintergreen oil and the dried alkanet root pieces. Now I’m letting the little bottle chill and charge on my altar. I’ll bring it out under the full moon later on tonight, when she graces the skies and then it’ll be ready to ship off to Katie. Hopefully I can get that done on Friday.

I’m finishing up working in Leida’s journal. That will ALSO be hopefully mailed out Friday. And since it’s going to Sharmila, over in Bahrain, I really need to make sure I get that mailed out on time. It takes about 3 to 4 weeks for it to arrive, which is stretching this journal swap out. But given that it costs about $25 to ship it to Sharmila, I’m totally ok with spacing that cost out a bit. ::smiles::

I’m excited for the oils and whatnot to arrive. I’m looking forward to crafting some lovely Red Fast Luck Oil again. And I’m looking forward to crafting some other oils that I have recipes for as well. I also need to pick up the rest of the herbs for the Ex Banishing Incense. Then all that is left is to get a nice mortar and pestle and I can finally get to work on that. I’m ready to get that going and get the last residues from him out of my life once and for all.

I can feel my feral soul waking up again. I guess hibernation just hit me extra hard this year. But I can feel all this fur and claws and teeth beginning to unfurl. This witch is waking back up. And I can’t wait to see this metamorphosis has transformed.

Sincere

written: February 19

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Silly, Leviathan. She has TWO, very nice hides. But she ADORES the one made out of a plastic dog treat bin.

I have it in her tank from time to time, when she’s about to shed. I put a wet paper towel inside to make a humid hide to help with the shedding process. She rarely uses it when she’s going to shed. But after? Man, she LOVES it. ::shakes her head:: Maybe I should stop spending money on the expensive “natural” looking ones, and just re-purpose bins like this. It would save me quite a bit of money in the long run. And I’m sure I could figure out a way to paint them or add some stuff to them to make them look less like dog treat bins.

One of the local Pagan stores just posted a whole bunch of new classes that all sound super interested. Bone divination, candle dressing, tea leaf reading, etc. So it would seem that I will be spending my weekends at that store, attending the classes in March. They’re free so why not take advantage of them? And they’re classes I’ve been wanting to take, but never got around to it. Hopefully I can make it to these rounds of classes and won’t have to wait another damn year for them to roll back around.

Originally, I had planned to take a photo of the sympathy card that the whole Youth Team at the F. Library got me and personally signed. You want to talk about ugly crying on the drive home! I was just beyond touched by the caring words by so many people there. And here I was worried that they would be tired of me having to take days off due to migraines and to the death of my Grandmother. They were honestly shocked that I came back this week as my Grandmother’s funeral is this weekend. Jennifer even gave me a big hug after giving me the card and told me that if I needed anything, to just let her know. And man, it was so sincere. It was humbling to be honest.

Granted, my after school program hasn’t done anything for me on this level. But then again, I haven’t told them either. My staff on campus know, but my bosses don’t. And, honestly, I’m fine with it being that way. I didn’t want any “standard” so sorry for your loss line from them, because it wouldn’t have felt sincere. Very little from the higher ups at the after school program feels sincere any more – except when they are giving us the shaft. So yeah, I didn’t need any of their crap heaped on top of what I’m already dealing with. But the people at the F. Library? Man, I’ve only been there for a month, and that isn’t even full time. Half of them I’ve only worked with a day or two. And yet, they are some of the kindest, biggest hearted, genuine people I’ve come across. If, for no other reason than that, I would gladly work there, even with the commute and the toll road. Because they are truly amazing people.