Thoughts on my Strength

art from Facebook

Just got done using the elliptical.  And I'm quite proud of myself. 
I don't listen to music or watch tv when I'm running on it. 
Instead, I take that time to reflect.  To ponder.  To think things out.  Figure things out.

And I've realized that all the strength I possess only shows itself when I have no other option but to be strong.
I don't push my own boundaries.  In fact, it terrifies me to push them.  To even get close to them. 
I've put myself in a neat little box and have left myself that way since I graduated from college back in 2005.

So today, I'm on the elliptical, and I've decided from the get-go that I'm going to do 15 minutes. 
Round about the 12 minute mark, the little Oily Voice tells me that it would be ok to quit here. 
Twelve minutes is good.  That I was hurting my knee by running any longer (which was not the case at all, but it's a crutch the Oily Voice likes to use).
But instead, I stay on and hit the 15 minute mark and then do another minute.  Now that extra minute may not seem like much, but doing sixteen minutes when I wanted to puss out at twelve is good for me.  Especially since I typically give into the Oily Voice. 

So many of my on-line buddies are talking about marathons they are training for.
Or are hiking up mountains.  Doing things that I cannot currently do.
Hell, that's half the reason I hopped on the elliptical today.  Was because I was inspired by my friends.
Typically, the Oily Voice would tell me that those aren't my goals.  That I don't want to do those things.  Etc, etc, in a bid to keep me on my butt. 
But today, I hopped on the elliptical before it had time to really make itself known.

I am a lot stronger than I show.  I tend to take the easy route and puss out early.  But look at where that's gotten me.
I'm 31 years old, work part time, and have no real career path in sight.  I'm not doing much and I don't really like that. 
And yet, I sit here and do nothing to change it. 
I'm scared to change.  Scared that I'll fail.  That I won't do something perfectly right the first time. 

I got to thinking too, that I almost wish I could hand over the reigns to David and have him take responsibility for me.  To make me work out and achieve more in life.
But I did that with Ken (my psycho ex).  And look at how well that turned out!  I was cutting all the time.  Drinking all the time.  Doing everything I could to make him proud of me, only to have him look down his nose each time.  Yeah, that turned out just GREAT for me.

It's sad that I'm just realizing this shit now.  I feel like I'm way behind the learning curve here. 
But hey, as the saying goes, if I'm taking baby steps, I'm lapping those who are still on the couch.
And I'm tired of being one of those still on the couch.

Now I just have to keep the motivation going.  Keep the drive going.  Keep doing the work.  Keep challenging myself.  And not letting that vile Oily Voice win.