Father Thoughts

My father has been on my mind a lot here recently.  Mostly me debating if I want to make contact with him or not.  I have come across his LinkedIn profile and that would be the way I would reach out.

I haven't because, I'd have to remake my LinkedIn profile and can't be arsed to do so yet.

And, I keep asking myself "Why?  Why do I want to get in contact with him?"

It's not because I'm wanting him back in my life.  Because I don't.  It's been 20+ years now since I sent him the Fuck Off Letter.

It's not because I'm even missing the concept of a "father".  Because I'm not.  He hasn't been an active part of my life since I was in elementary school, so I've come to terms with the "father figure" and don't have a need for it any longer.

It's not because I'm worried I'll regret not being in contact with him and he dies.  Because I already plan to go piss on his grave once he kicks the bucket.  Just wish I had a dick, because it would make this a whole lot easier.  But I figure, since I don't, it means I have to put in the extra effort to piss on his grave, so it will have more meaning.

It's not even because I'm wanting to catch up.

I guess, mostly, it's more about asking him Why.  Why he elected to just check out of our life completely.  
But, honestly, it doesn't mean I'll GET an answer.  And I have zero clue if it would even make a difference in my life to know why.

And, partly, because I would love to rub it in his face how well I'm doing.  The fact that he never has and never will meet my husband.  And the fact that he'll never meet his only biological grandchildren, because I seriously doubt Bro will ever risk our father disappointing Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces.  

And if Bro WERE to invite our father to be a part of their lives, and if our father WERE to disappoint Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces?  I would scorch the earth to ensure it never happened to Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces ever again.  

I highly doubt I'll ever reach out to contact him.  The odds of it being a productive conversation are very low.  And the odds of my aggression/hurt over this whole situation are SUPER HIGH.  

And honestly?  If it isn't adding anything GOOD to my life...why bother?