Whew buddy. This is going to be a doozy of an entry. It
is long, so you might want to get a snack and a drink before diving in.
Trigger Warning: This entry does talk, in depth, about Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Idealation, Depression, Mental Illness, Non-Suicidal Self Injury (also called, Self-Injury, SI, Self-Harm, Cutting, etc.).
Now with that out of the way….hold onto your butts:
I just wanted to explain some things about my previous post, as I’ve gotten some “interesting” comments on it. And yes, I know, “people mean well”, but you know what? I’m tired of people saying ignorant shit about things they have zero experience with. I know they think they are being helpful, but they are not. And I’m done trying to be “nice” and properly explain my fucked up mental state to Normies.
Point Number One: Non-Suicidal Self-Injury
Let’s unpack this one. This is self-inflicted injury used as a coping mechanism for emotions that feel out of my control. This is NOT suicidal in nature. Quite the opposite. It is a pressure release valve that allows me to let the built up insanity OUT so that I don’t actually attempt suicide. It basically makes the problems in my head “real” because they are now physical marks on my body. I can deal with the physical wounds – you clean the wound with soap and water, you put on some Neosporin, and you put a bandaid on it.
And I get it. Unless you have engaged in NSSI, it makes ZERO sense to you that this is a coping strategy. And I don’t fault you for that at all. I’m glad you don’t understand it. It means you don’t engage in it, and that is a GOOD thing.
Point Number Two: It must suck to feel this way.
Um, yeah. Depression sucks ass. Doesn’t mean my life as a whole sucks. Because the depression I have – Dysthymia, also called Persistent Depressive Disorder or Chronic Depression – is a chemical imbalance. It means I have depression, even if everything is going great in my life. It’s a fucking CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. There’s no “wishing it away”. I am on medication and have an appointment later on this month (hopefully) to do a check in with my doctor and see if any of the medication needs to be tweaked (it probably does). But to just up and say “wow that must suck” to someone battling depression is just….rude. No other way to say it. It’s just unsympathetic, unhelpful, and rude. By all means, think it. That’s fine. But to just straight up say that to someone who is really BATTLING hard to NOT kill themselves? It’s just offensive. Stop and think about what you are going to say. Just because you THINK of something, doesn’t mean you have to SAY that something.
Point Number Three: Cutting doesn’t help and just gives you scars.
::sighs:: Where to even begin with this comment? Please, go back and read Point Number One, so you can understand the PURPOSE that cutting, or any other form of NSSI, serves. Yes, it hurts. DUH. Raking one’s knuckles down a brick wall, punching trees, cutting the skin, burning, pulling hair, hitting oneself to leave bruises on the body, etc…they all fucking hurt. I am still human and yes that shit hurts.
As for the scars? I’d rather be alive and have scars than be dead with flawless skin. And the original comment brings in a whole lot of judgment as well. People have scars. Everyone has scars. But any scars I have from NSSI are going to be judged apparently. And you know what? I fucking laughed at the idea. Not all NSSI leaves scars. I could show you a picture of my upper left arm and the side of my right wrist – sites that received the bulk of my NSSI episodes and there are no scars to be seen. I do have some scars on my right arm from playing too rough with my dog, but not from NSSI. The ONLY scars I have are two on the knuckles of my right hand from when I raked it repeated down a brick wall. And even those, I would have to point them out and you would have to look very closely to even see them.
So in response to that comment….cutting DOES help. It sure as shit is a maladaptive coping strategy, but its sole purpose was to keep me from committing suicide. So yeah. As for any judgement on the scars my body carries, regardless of how I got them, fuck you. You can keep your goddamn judgment to yourself. Because my scars, all of them, tell me I fucked with something I probably shouldn’t have, but I survived it. Something came along and knocked the shit out of me, but I still got back up. My scars are battles I WON. I’m still standing. I’m still here. And if you don’t like that, then kindly take your shit and go somewhere else.
Point Number Four: It’s better to do (insert whatever non-NSSI coping strategy is in vogue right now).
::sighs:: Please. I’ve been dealing with depression for 25+ fucking years now. Longer actually because I just began keeping track of it when I attempted suicide in the 8th grade. So honestly, it’s probably been closer to 27 years. And I engaged in NSSI behavior for a good 5 years before quitting old turkey…FOURTEEN years ago. Trust me, I KNOW all the other coping strategies. I’ve sought out therapy specifically to find other ways to cope with my mental illness without resorting to NSSI. And I’ve been doing that for almost 170 MONTHS. So yeah, I know about shredding paper, beating up pillows, drawing the marks with a marker instead of a blade, deep breathing, going for a walk, screaming in my car, using a hammer to beat the shit out of an old tire, painting, writing poetry etc, etc, etc, ad nauseam.
So yeah, while you think you may have the key to my salvation…I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I have a thousand fucking Tshirts ok? Honestly, before you give any sort of advice on something that you know very little about…ask yourself, Did this person ASK for advice? If so, then by all means, proceed. But if they didn’t, hold your tongue for a damn second. And if you feel you still NEED to give advice, ASK the person if they want advice. If they say no, then bite your tongue and keep your “opinions” to yourself.
So yes, while it may seem that the overall point I’m driving home here is to not say anything at all, that isn’t true. It’s about knowing what to say and what NOT to say. And if you don’t know the person well enough to be able to figure out what is and is not ok to say? ASK THEM if they want advice. Half the time, when this is a chronic illness, we’ve heard more than enough unhelpful advice from people who do not have the illness that honestly, we don’t want to hear any more. Instead, we are just trying to be HEARD. We are trying to get this illness OUT and onto the paper or the blog, because doing so IS a pressure release valve. Writing about it, we know, helps. Trust me, those of us with mental illnesses….we are AWARE of our insanity. We KNOW our insanity inside and out. And we know this is some bat shit crazy shit. But KNOWING this doesn’t suddenly make the illness go away. We just have to work our way through it.
Bottom line? Really stop and think about your words and your actions. Are they necessary? Are they kind? Are they welcomed? Are they needed? If you are unsure, or feel like you really want to reach out and help….ASK the person what help they need. Honestly? They may not require anything from you at all.
Trigger Warning: This entry does talk, in depth, about Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Idealation, Depression, Mental Illness, Non-Suicidal Self Injury (also called, Self-Injury, SI, Self-Harm, Cutting, etc.).
Now with that out of the way….hold onto your butts:
I just wanted to explain some things about my previous post, as I’ve gotten some “interesting” comments on it. And yes, I know, “people mean well”, but you know what? I’m tired of people saying ignorant shit about things they have zero experience with. I know they think they are being helpful, but they are not. And I’m done trying to be “nice” and properly explain my fucked up mental state to Normies.
Point Number One: Non-Suicidal Self-Injury
Let’s unpack this one. This is self-inflicted injury used as a coping mechanism for emotions that feel out of my control. This is NOT suicidal in nature. Quite the opposite. It is a pressure release valve that allows me to let the built up insanity OUT so that I don’t actually attempt suicide. It basically makes the problems in my head “real” because they are now physical marks on my body. I can deal with the physical wounds – you clean the wound with soap and water, you put on some Neosporin, and you put a bandaid on it.
And I get it. Unless you have engaged in NSSI, it makes ZERO sense to you that this is a coping strategy. And I don’t fault you for that at all. I’m glad you don’t understand it. It means you don’t engage in it, and that is a GOOD thing.
Point Number Two: It must suck to feel this way.
Um, yeah. Depression sucks ass. Doesn’t mean my life as a whole sucks. Because the depression I have – Dysthymia, also called Persistent Depressive Disorder or Chronic Depression – is a chemical imbalance. It means I have depression, even if everything is going great in my life. It’s a fucking CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. There’s no “wishing it away”. I am on medication and have an appointment later on this month (hopefully) to do a check in with my doctor and see if any of the medication needs to be tweaked (it probably does). But to just up and say “wow that must suck” to someone battling depression is just….rude. No other way to say it. It’s just unsympathetic, unhelpful, and rude. By all means, think it. That’s fine. But to just straight up say that to someone who is really BATTLING hard to NOT kill themselves? It’s just offensive. Stop and think about what you are going to say. Just because you THINK of something, doesn’t mean you have to SAY that something.
Point Number Three: Cutting doesn’t help and just gives you scars.
::sighs:: Where to even begin with this comment? Please, go back and read Point Number One, so you can understand the PURPOSE that cutting, or any other form of NSSI, serves. Yes, it hurts. DUH. Raking one’s knuckles down a brick wall, punching trees, cutting the skin, burning, pulling hair, hitting oneself to leave bruises on the body, etc…they all fucking hurt. I am still human and yes that shit hurts.
As for the scars? I’d rather be alive and have scars than be dead with flawless skin. And the original comment brings in a whole lot of judgment as well. People have scars. Everyone has scars. But any scars I have from NSSI are going to be judged apparently. And you know what? I fucking laughed at the idea. Not all NSSI leaves scars. I could show you a picture of my upper left arm and the side of my right wrist – sites that received the bulk of my NSSI episodes and there are no scars to be seen. I do have some scars on my right arm from playing too rough with my dog, but not from NSSI. The ONLY scars I have are two on the knuckles of my right hand from when I raked it repeated down a brick wall. And even those, I would have to point them out and you would have to look very closely to even see them.
So in response to that comment….cutting DOES help. It sure as shit is a maladaptive coping strategy, but its sole purpose was to keep me from committing suicide. So yeah. As for any judgement on the scars my body carries, regardless of how I got them, fuck you. You can keep your goddamn judgment to yourself. Because my scars, all of them, tell me I fucked with something I probably shouldn’t have, but I survived it. Something came along and knocked the shit out of me, but I still got back up. My scars are battles I WON. I’m still standing. I’m still here. And if you don’t like that, then kindly take your shit and go somewhere else.
Point Number Four: It’s better to do (insert whatever non-NSSI coping strategy is in vogue right now).
::sighs:: Please. I’ve been dealing with depression for 25+ fucking years now. Longer actually because I just began keeping track of it when I attempted suicide in the 8th grade. So honestly, it’s probably been closer to 27 years. And I engaged in NSSI behavior for a good 5 years before quitting old turkey…FOURTEEN years ago. Trust me, I KNOW all the other coping strategies. I’ve sought out therapy specifically to find other ways to cope with my mental illness without resorting to NSSI. And I’ve been doing that for almost 170 MONTHS. So yeah, I know about shredding paper, beating up pillows, drawing the marks with a marker instead of a blade, deep breathing, going for a walk, screaming in my car, using a hammer to beat the shit out of an old tire, painting, writing poetry etc, etc, etc, ad nauseam.
So yeah, while you think you may have the key to my salvation…I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I have a thousand fucking Tshirts ok? Honestly, before you give any sort of advice on something that you know very little about…ask yourself, Did this person ASK for advice? If so, then by all means, proceed. But if they didn’t, hold your tongue for a damn second. And if you feel you still NEED to give advice, ASK the person if they want advice. If they say no, then bite your tongue and keep your “opinions” to yourself.
So yes, while it may seem that the overall point I’m driving home here is to not say anything at all, that isn’t true. It’s about knowing what to say and what NOT to say. And if you don’t know the person well enough to be able to figure out what is and is not ok to say? ASK THEM if they want advice. Half the time, when this is a chronic illness, we’ve heard more than enough unhelpful advice from people who do not have the illness that honestly, we don’t want to hear any more. Instead, we are just trying to be HEARD. We are trying to get this illness OUT and onto the paper or the blog, because doing so IS a pressure release valve. Writing about it, we know, helps. Trust me, those of us with mental illnesses….we are AWARE of our insanity. We KNOW our insanity inside and out. And we know this is some bat shit crazy shit. But KNOWING this doesn’t suddenly make the illness go away. We just have to work our way through it.
Bottom line? Really stop and think about your words and your actions. Are they necessary? Are they kind? Are they welcomed? Are they needed? If you are unsure, or feel like you really want to reach out and help….ASK the person what help they need. Honestly? They may not require anything from you at all.
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