Happy Halloween

Leviathan wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween!

I’ll celebrate Samhain later tonight. I’ll post photos of the altar afterwards. I really like how this one turned out.

Sweet Whispers in the Dark

The tiniest sliver of the moon hangings in the sky.
Close enough to the new moon to still hold sway.

I hate writing down intentions. I hate writing them down because they make me accountable.
And my personality just does not do accountable.
Hell, forcing me to be accountable is an almost fail-proof way of guaranteeing I won’t do it.

So these are just sweet whispers in the dark.

I am going to return to using the elliptical.

Not for some silly reason as to get into shape. Though that is a side effect.
Or to look better. Thought that is a side effect as well.

But because, I will be signing up for an intense 10 week long self-defense class that starts in January.
And I want to get every penny out of the $300 price-tag it carries. Not to mention that I’ll have to leave work early 10 Wednesdays in a row. And will be driving through rush hour traffic those days to get there.

If I’m not in shape, how good is this course going to do me?
I’m tired of being a victim. I’m tired of being scared.
I want to learn how to properly defend myself.
And step one is getting on that elliptical and getting my cardio up.

And I started today. It’s been ages since I’ve been on it. But this is something I want to accomplish.

*lifts head and looks around*

I’m trying my damnest not to jinx myself.
But I think....maybe the depression is gone. It’s been days since it’s been around....so just maybe my new tactic worked.
Now to catch up on all the various things I’ve STARTED in other journal entries, that I just haven’t had the time/desire to catch up on. * chuckles *

1. I need to start actively drilling Husband on how to deal with “emergencies”. I have no idea how he managed to survive 9 years in the military when he loses his frikkin’ mind over the fire issue we had a while back, or when the water started pouring out of our sink nozzle when I ran the dishwasher. It just shocks me at how much he totally panics. I guess with me dealing with children day in and day out, I’m more prepped for dealing with whatever life tossing my way in a calm manner (as you HAVE to remain calm when dealing with children).
   
2. In my entry “Chaos and Goals”, I was planning to roll the dice and see how many challenging goals I needed to make for this up coming year. I rolled a 7, so I’m working on that list of goals, plus tweaking the list of 33 goals. I’ll have those up on my birthday and then begin my damnest to knock each, and every single one down.
   
3. No I did not end up going to my Great Uncle Bob’s funeral. I had to work at Starbucks that morning, and I knew if I called out so I could go, it would royally screw over my coworkers. The next time I’m back home, I’ll visit his grave and pay my respects then.
   
4. Still going strong on the No Caffeine. I’m currently on day 11. Just 20 more days. And honestly, I don’t even crave it any more. As for why I gave it up, I asked a boon of the Harpies again to aid a friend (she and her dogs were viciously attacked by hunting dogs). This is twice now that I’ve asked for Their aid, but I had no clue what to offer Them in return. Well, They came back with, “give up caffeine for 31 days”. They also want an offering of coffee. I need to set that out in the woods for Them.
   

And that catches me up on that of THAT stuff. :)

Passenger

Depression is behaving nicer today.

I believe I’ve figured out how to work with it.
I’m not fighting it tooth and nail, attempting to suppress it. That only seems to make it stronger and last longer.
I’m not wallowing with it, eating a pint of ice cream, comparing woes like battle scars.
I’m polite and civil, like we are passengers on the same plane. We are here, together for a while, might as well make it work. Eventually, we’ll reach a destination where we part ways. And that is that.

Does it mean it isn’t sitting here in the room with me, whispering in my ear? No.
But when one merely exists with it, instead of engaging....that just might be the secret to winning this ongoing war......

Fashionably Late

Ah, hello there, Dear Depression.
I was wondering when you were going to show up.
Two solid weeks of mania…followed by a week or so of normal behavior/mood. I knew you’d show up eventually.
Though, I will admit, I had hoped the invitation had gotten lost in the mail.
Or else, you had forgotten where I lived.
But no. Just fashionably late.
Thanks.
~~~~~~~
All joking aside, it’s been nothing short of brutal today. Almost like it’s trying to make up for lost time!
All that self-injurious behavior that I thought I was finally getting past, surged up to the forefront today. No worries. I’ve removed the blades from my room, just in case.
And then even suicidal idealization popped up for a second or two. Damn, haven’t had that in ages.
I’m really off my game at the moment. The No Caffeine is still going. Though, I’ve amended it to Seriously Cutting Back because the withdraw headaches were no fun. But seriously, I’ve only had 2 cups of coffee in the past four days....where as, normally, I’d have 10 - 12 in that same amount of time. But I’m still pushing forward. I still want to do 31 days. I should really devote a whole entry to that, as there’s a spiritual aspect to it that I won’t talk about on Facebook. I’m being judged far enough currently, so there’s no reason to add fuel to that fire.

But for now, I’m just focusing on me. I’m drinking a glass of wine. I’m reading a book my Mom sent me because she said it reminded her of my writing style in my wolf story. And basically, I’m just hiding out for now, waiting for the cloud to lift.

Rawr

ART: “Anoush” Tribal Portrait
ARTIST: Alf Caruana

While I’m not a huge fan of Christopher Columbus (seriously, I’m NOT)… I AM a fan of school holidays! *laughs* And today just so happens to be one of those lovely school holidays.

I worked a 3 hour shift at Starbucks and was home by 10:30 am. The day was spread out before me and I reveled in the freedom to do whatever my lil heart desired.

Holly and I took a nice, chilly, WINDY walk through the wooded trails.
No thugs.
No homeless lady.
But no Monarch butterflies either.
I only saw one yesterday, so I guess they’ve finally moved on towards Mexico.

Before we went on our walk, I sprayed down my tub, toilet, and both sinks in my bathroom. This way they could soak before I came back to scrub them down. They look much better now.

Then I washed my sheets and remade my bed. And did a load of dishes. Still need to put those away.

Then I scampered off to Target. I needed a pumpkin, and picked up some smaller gourds. Hint: Expect some Halloween photos of Leviathan soon-ish. And I picked up some “Monster Coin” candy for my staff. It’s just a dollar for a small bundle, so I thought it would be nice of me to pick one up for each of them. And I picked up a bundle for David AND for myself. Because I’m awesome that way. Add a candle and a journal to the mix (because that’s just how I roll) and bam! I was out of Target.

Got home and chatted with an OLD friend. Seriously, I think the last time I saw him was in Jr. High. He and a high school buddy of mine are committed to walking the Appalachian Trail starting in February. That spun off into us talking Prepping.

After that, I took a delicious 2 hour nap, listening to the wind whip and race around the apartment building. It’s very gusty and colder than it was at 8 am this morning. THIS is what October is supposed to be like. Not 90+ degree weather! *laughs*

And now, I’m kicking back, relaxing, and waiting on my husband to get home.
Even though he’ll most likely be crabby as shit due to him being the tech on call this week (basically means he works 24/7 until Thursday).

RIP Uncle Bob

My great Uncle Bob passed away earlier today.
He was battling serious cancer and recent psychotic breaks (probably due to the cancer spreading to his brain).
The funeral is Sunday and I’m debating if I should make the trip home (3.5 hrs one way) or not.

Chaos and Goals

I have so much I want to accomplish.
I want to get out there and DO so many truly awesome things.
This world has so much to offer and I hate that I’m sitting here, not doing any of it.

It’s a yearly tradition of mine, that on my birthday, I make a list of goals I want to accomplish by my next birthday. One goal for every year old I am.

This year, I’ll be turning 33. So that’s 33 goals.
And me, I’ve already made a list of 33 goals.

But it’s a safe list, as I’ve focused more on setting goals that I have a very real possibility of completing. But I want MORE.

So I’ve got a new challenge. My first impulse was to simply toss the set of goals away and make some challenging goals. But I do like the goals I’ve already put down.

So let’s toss a little chaos into the mix. I’ve got my 33 Safe-And-Fairly-Attainable Goals listed. Tomorrow, when I get to work, I’ll roll 2 dice. Whatever number that is, I’ll make that many Challenging-Yet-Realist Goals to be accomplished. For instance, barring us winning the lottery, I know for a fact that I will not be able to go on my Polar Bear trip ($10k). Instead, a Challenging-Yet-Realistic Goal would to having my savings up to $4k. It wouldn’t be an easy challenge and life certainly seems to enjoy throwing me curve balls. But it’s time I really started applying myself and stretching myself beyond my cozy little comfort zone.

So, if Chaos is in for the fun of it, I could possibly end up with 12 Challenging Goals. Bare minimum I’m setting for myself is 6 minimum Goals, no matter if I only roll Snake Eyes. *chuckles* Actually, I think if I manage to roll Snake Eyes, I’ll set 12 Goals anyways. Because you know, it wasn’t Chaotic enough just yet.

I would say wish me luck, but luck and chaos seem to be different sides of the same coin.  Not sure what would be considered lucky in this instance.

So I'm simply wishing for the BEST OUTCOME FOR ME to occur, and leave it in Fates' hands.