Wheeeee

Man, my mental health this month has been one hell of a wild ass roller coaster ride.  It's been up and down and loopy-loop and just all over the damn place.  I've been disassociating two different ways -- either like I'm just watching myself going about my day, without any control over what my body is doing, or I'm losing complete chunks of time that I have ZERO clue what happened during that time period.  Anxiety has been through the roof.  There have been days I've taken to snapping a rubber band on my wrist for a multitude of reasons -- either to keep me from engaging in serious self-injury, or to bring me back to reality, or to make sure I'm not disassociating and that I CAN feel something.  Like seriously, guys, I'm NOT doing good here.

Add onto all of this, my great Aunt Carlene passed away this week from cancer.  We knew it was coming, so it's not a surprise.  And I wasn't particularly close to her either.  Honestly, I wasn't even planning on going to the funeral this weekend, but I haven't seen my Mom since....January?  Maybe February of this year?  And honestly, I seriously just want to see my Mom and hang out with her.  She's awesome.  And with me having this weekend off from work, it just works out.  So I'm going to my lil Hometown for the funeral, but mostly to see my Mom. 

Which...sadly, means I won't be doing the Coven Samhain.  I'm seriously bummed about this.  And honestly, I could feasibly make it back in time to attend the ritual.  But holy hell, I have like zero energy and I am running 100% on fumes, caffeine and nicotine and sheer will at this point.  After working all week.  And then driving 3.5 hours to Lil Hometown to do the funeral and hanging out with family.  And then driving back 3.5 hours HOME...driving 45 minutes to go do ritual?  Yeah....like, I was almost in tears just thinking about it because I'm THAT exhausted.

So yeah...sadly, I won't be doing the Coven Samhain.  But I seriously HAVE to take care of myself here.  I'm so close to completely shattering it's downright scary.  So I let the Coven know.  And honestly, the High Priestess was trying to talk me into still coming.  Acting like there was no reason I COULDN'T still come.  ::sighs::  And I get it.  We haven't had an in person ritual since February, but holy hell.  It was kind of insensitive to be honest.  Like, I told them the reason I couldn't be there was because I would be out of town for a FUNERAL.  And she was all like "how far away do you have to travel for it" and then was like, "oh you could totally make it back in time".  

Don't get me wrong.  It's nice that she's that keen about me being there.  But, I felt like everything I was going through and enduring and battling was just being swept aside as not important.  Or at least not as important.  And I haven't been exactly shy about posting what I'm going through on Facebook.  So yeah, I may be a little extra sensitive right now, but it just really rubbed me the wrong way and I've been a bit extra grumpy about it.  ::shrugs::  Welcome to my head-space.

 But in other news, I FINALLY did call and make an appointment with a shrink.  Woohoo go me!  I LOATHE making phone calls.  I will seriously go out of my way to NOT make a phone call if at all humanly possible.  But I did the hard thing, made the phone call, and I have my first appointment on Halloween.  ::laughs::  Of course it would be on Halloween of all days.  Granted, I COULD have gotten one on 27th....but it was an 8 am appointment.  Yeah, no thank you.  ::chuckles::  The Halloween appointment is at 10 am, which is a far more reasonable time of day.  Plus it still gives me the rest of the day to enjoy Samhain.

A Bright Spot

After the complete and utter shit-show and a HALF that today was at work, I came home and found this book waiting for me:

Thank goodness. I certainly needed a bright spot for today.

I can’t wait to start reading it. I’ve only read the introduction, and if the rest of the book is anything like the intro, this is going to become one of my top 10 favorite Pagan/Occult books of all times.

New Friends

So I made some new friends up at work today:

Yep, those are Canada geese. And yes, and they are eating out of my hand.

This originally started out as a random dream of mine. We have a number of Canada geese that hang out at the pond right beside the Library I work at. I had gone out to smoke and was able to get really close to them a while back. I got a nice photo of the flock and posted it on Facebook, stating that yes, I was totally That White Girl, and I wanted to pet one.

And of course, everyone commented about how it was an absolutely horrible idea. And how vicious and mean Canada geese are. Which, they aren’t wrong. Typical Canada geese are some of the meanest animals on the damn planet. But these are used to people and you can get quite close to them.

So I see a group of them while I’m out on my lunch break smoke and I decide this would be a good time to begin feeding them so they won’t see me as a threat. I figured if I did this long enough, eventually, I could befriend them.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when four of the flock came literally RUNNING over to me when they realized I had food. And when I went to toss the cracked corn, man, they started eating it out of my hand before I could even put it on the ground.

Now, not all of the flock was thrilled with having me there. I had the four piggies that were happy to eat everything out of my hand. I had another four that stood behind the piggies that would eat out of my hand if I would stretch out to them. I had one that hissed and pecked at me and would eat if I put the cracked corn on the ground. And then there were three that stood at the very back and wouldn’t come in close. At one point, I had my hand resting on the back of one of the piggies so the back four could eat.

So yeah, I got to pet my Canada goose.

The plan now is to befriend the entire flock of about 20 Canada geese. Nothing would be able to stop me at that point. ::cackles::

Witchy Photo Challenge Days 1 - 4

I’m doing a Witchy Photo Challenge again for the month of October.

Day 01: Full Moon

A page from my Book of Shadows / Grimoire on the Full Wolf Moon ritual I wrote and performed for the Coven. It also has a wolf pentacle necklace and my selenite wand in the photo.

Day 02: The Elements

I decided not to go with the four elements (Earth, Air, Fire, and Water) on this one this year. Instead, I went with the elements of Life and Death, portrayed by my lovely rose bush, Titan, and my beloved galaxy coyote skull painted by Divya Taxidermy.

Day 03: Goddess

Dua Sekhmet! This is my favorite icon I have of Sekhmet, my Lioness of the Sun.

Day 04: Crystal Magick

A little Totem friend. Yes, that is a tea light next to her, so you have a concept of how small she is. But do not let her small size fool you. She is mighty in spirit.

Witch Thoughts

I had a really good Virtual ritual with the Coven back on September 27^th.  I’m still figuring out what exactly I am allowed to share and what is Tradition Bound.  And then beyond that, there’s there whole, what I’m comfortable sharing and what I do not share with the greater public.  Once I suss that all out for myself, I’ll write about that.  But the big happy news is that we will FINALLY be doing our first, in-person ritual since February!  Seems fitting that it will be Samhain – the Witches’ New Year.  I’m beyond stoked for this.  Virtual rituals are all well and good, but there’s a whole ‘nother level achieved by doing rituals in person.  We will be adhering to the social distancing and wearing masks when the distancing can’t be done, but I’m so damn excited about this.

I had a wonderful chat with Hazel Nut the other night and some wisdom seriously flowed through me and I really wanted to document it.

2020 without a doubt has a been a bit of a shit year.

But for me, it’s easier to view my life as a tree.  2020 has been a year to really bring to light the branches in my life that are dead, diseased, rotting….just ones that need to be pruned and cut back for the overall health of the entire tree.  And while my tree now looks a bit meager and small and hacked back….everything I am left with is healthy and strong and vital.  I’ve pared down so much of my spiritual “noise” to just the core stuff that really matters.  I just need to finally get rid of the items I’ve collected over the years that no longer resonate with me.  I have a feeling that will occur here in the coming winter months.  I have a TON of wands (like, seriously, how I did I end up with so many damn wands????) – I will be selling those off and sending them on to their new homes.

I dunno…I just feel like all of this is finally crystalizing for me.  The “noise” is gone.  The “shoulds” are gone.  I’m done trying to do things to fit in, even within the Pagan community.  I’m not doing things for aesthetics or the prettiness.  I’m doing shit that works and honestly, that’s all that matters to me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love gorgeous altars and I may eventually return to that, as I see beautiful altars as a form of devotion.  But right now, they just aren’t on my radar.  I have practical, working, full on chaotic altars.  ::laughs::

And, I’m toying with the idea of possibly opening an Etsy shop to sell my oils.  I’ve received some seriously high praise on my two oils I make.  My Red Fast Luck Oil has always received high praise, but my first batch of Crown of Success has also done very well.  An ex-wife of a dear friend told me that it’s better than the oils she has sold in metaphysical shops she’s worked for in the past.  So I’m taking that as seriously high praise.  So why not try my hand at selling some?  I am not doing it to get rich quick, but it ends up paying for supplies to continue expanding into new oil recipes while making a bit of profit?  I would be so stoked.

Speaking of oils, the next one I’ll be working on will be a Fiery Wall of Protection Oil.  It just seems that so many of my friends (and myself) could seriously use this particular oil right now.  I plan to make that one on Samhain’s Blue Moon.  I figure that will be a damn good night to make a protection oil – I can call in the Ancestors and with it the Samhain and the second full moon of the month, there is going to be a shit-ton of powerful energy that night.  Plus, I have that day off of work, so I’ll have all day to prepare and make sure I have everything I need. 

Clarifying on The Ruffling

Duuuuuuuude.

Yeah, left on quite the high horse, didn’t I?  And then just poofed into the shadows for a while.  ::sighs::

Ok, gonna be quick on that, because there’s other shit I want to get to, but this has to be said first:

Apparently, I wasn’t just ruffling feathers….my own feathers had been seriously ruffled as well.  And I kind of went on a rant-page there.   

Sure, some of it, the Commenter did say.  But a lot of it she didn’t.  Quite a bit of it, actually, is more towards what society as a whole pushes mentally ill individuals into bad situations.  So yeah, I was a bit of the asshole there, not clarifying what She said, and what was just full blown rant on my part.  I apologize for that.

I did have another Commenter inquire as to why I refer to myself as crazy or to the group of Neuro-Divergent individuals as “crazies”, in a private note.  I explained to her it was kind of an empowering move, taking that term back.  Because, by society’s standard, I’m not Neuro-Typical, there for I’m “crazy”.  But it’s kind of like, taking that term back from the oppressor and making it a term of power.  ::shrugs::  I don’t know how to better explain it than that.  So yeah, while I may be ok with calling myself crazy, not all Neuro-Divergent individuals are.  And I’m only ok with it in certain situations.  So basically, it’s ok for me to call myself that, but you have to be really careful calling ME that as an outsider. 

It’s been really kind of awesome to have all the supportive notes.  And all the tips people have offered, should I hit a breaking point.  Like, my husband can call 911 and request EMTs and specially request NO cops be sent.  Thankfully, we do live really close to a hospital (like 4 blocks, I think), so if shit did go down, we could get there swiftly.

And the Original Commenter did clarify a lot of her original points, so I understand where she’s coming from.  I really think a lot of it was a breakdown in communication.  I’ve elected to make her original comments private because I’m seriously not trying to start a war here and don’t want anyone feeling like they need to go after her to protect me.  Trust me, I’ve got more than enough fight in me right now.  ::laughs::

Mental health, is and will always be, a hot button topic for me because it is something that effects every aspect of my life. 

Well, this certainly ended up being longer than I had anticipated, so the entry I really wanted to write will have to be written in another one.  ::smiles::  Hopefully, it won’t take me another 10 days or so to actually WRITE it.  ::laughs:: 

Yeah, that whole plan of writing 100 words a day for the month of September just did NOT work out at all for me. 

Ruffling Feathers

I know I may end up ruffling some feathers with this one, so, be forewarned. 

Seems I ruffled a few feathers in my previous post about making plans on what to do in the end of a mental crisis/break down on my part and me NOT wanting my husband to call the cops.  You know, no.  I’m not sugaring a damn thing.

Me flat out telling my husband, under NO circumstances, to call the cops if I’m in a mental crisis because I’m absolutely terrified that there is a damn good chance I could wind up dead from that encounter alone. 

Am I saying that the police would specifically show up to kill me?  No.  What I am saying is that they have zero training, and therefore ZERO REASON to show up on psych calls.  Period.  Because, as police show us time and time again, they have no clue how to properly deescalate a situation in a manner that keeps everyone safe.  They are quite of the shoot first, shoot often, and don’t ask any questions mentality right now.

Am I saying there are no good cops?  No, I’m not saying that at all.  But, those tend to be few and far in between.  And honestly?  I’m not willing to put my life on the line on the off chance that I MAY get a good cop. 

A commenter pointed out that in her time as a psych nurse, that the psych patients, even in the middle of a mental crisis/break down, are aware of their actions and don’t care about the consequences.  Well, that is partially true.  Even in my darkest and craziest times, when I’ve had hallucinations (which, thankfully, have been very few) or in the middle of a serious manic episode, yes.  I am aware that my hallucinations or my manic beliefs are not “real” in the traditional sense.  But it doesn’t mean they have any less impact on ME.  Yes, I know the chances of someone grabbing me out on the street is very low, but in the middle of a manic high, with anxiety blasting at a full 10, I am still paranoid beyond belief and utterly TERRIFIED that this will happen to me.  And to make matters worse…I KNOW that I’m being irrational.  I know that the voice(s) aren’t real, that they are lying or making shit up, or that the things I’m seeing are REAL.  But it feels like I’m being held hostage inside my own head and am being forced to go along on this damn joy ride that I have zero control over.

As for the consequences?  Yeah, I have to deal with the fall out once I return to my rational state of mind.  I can’t call my credit card company and say “Oops, I was manic there for a week, can you just forgive that $10,000 of charges I put on my card during that time?”  Yeah, they would laugh me off the damn phone.  No, instead, I have to pay off all of that debt.  I have to deal with the speeding tickets I’ve gotten.  I have to deal with any and all shit I’ve said and done and put my loved ones through during my irrational times.  And some?  Some have had enough and have walked away.  And you know what?  I don’t blame them one bit.  Hell, if I could walk away from this mind of mine, I would have done it ages ago.

So I’m supposed to what?  Feel sorry for the people who have to deal with us crazies?  The ones who CHOSE to be psych nurses, and psych doctors, and EMTs, and police officers, because we crazies can be so mean to them?  Fuck, try living in MY HEAD for one fucking month and come back and tell me how bad THEY have it.  They at least CHOSE to work with us.  They can CHOOSE to do something else.  I can’t CHOOSE not to be crazy.  I can’t CHOOSE not to have depression or suicidal idealization, or manic episodes, or my time to time hallucinations or my urges for non-suicidal self-injury.  Trust me, if it was a CHOICE, I sure as shit wouldn’t have selected this option because this option SUCKS.

Even with medication, I’m still struggling.  I’ve been playing medication roulette for decades now.  I’ve found ones that make me a complete zombie.  I’ve found ones that make me full blown manic.  I’ve found ones that I’m allergic to.  I’ve found ones that amplified my hallucinations.  I’ve found ones that basically gave me ADHD.  I’ve found ones that have made me SEVERELY depressed.  Not to mention that this shit all costs me thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars.  I don’t even want to know what this would have cost me if I didn’t have insurance. 

And that pisses me off as well.  People bitch and complain about how us crazies don’t comply with our medication or our therapy, but never stop to ask us WHY.  Most of the time, it’s because WE CAN’T FUCKING AFFORD IT.  If I didn’t have health insurance, there is NO WAY I could afford my medication.  And I’m on GENERIC meds.  Not even fancy, name-brand stuff.  But just one of my meds – a one month supply is like $370.  I don’t remember what the other one would cost me without insurance.  And then there’s my thyroid medication and the migraine medications I take as well.  So yeah, how would I be able to afford to comply with my medications, plus do therapy plus pay for a place to live and food and living expenses and all of that as well.  That shit adds up very quickly.  Is it any surprise so many of us with mental issues wind up on the streets and/or self-medicating with drugs or alcohol?  And I haven’t even added in therapy or psychiatrists to the equation yet.  ::shakes her head::