Damn, that was Rough

Shit, I didn’t mean to drop that drama/trauma bomb and just skip away. ::chuckles::

Having those days off of work as mental health days, plus my weekend, did WONDERS for me. I seriously just needed the break from EVERYTHING.

I hate working full time. It’s such a scam. I expend so much energy getting through each work day, only to return home utterly exhausted. And what little energy I DO have, then gets spent on doing errands and all the things I can’t get to during the week. And there is NOTHING left over for me or my hobbies.

I know, I know, I could definitely have it worse. But, since when has someone having it worse, completely negate the suck-tasticness of what I’m going through? Sure, they are different levels of sucky-ness, but they are ALL still SUCKING ASS.

So yeah…that’s where I’m at. ::laughs:: But seriously, my mental health right now, compared to where it was on Thursday or Friday? LIGHT YEARS apart.

Blast from the Past

Whoa buddy, it’s been an intense few days.

So, Thursday, I had THE SHITTIEST blast from the past.  At the library, we had a fencing demonstration and the guy leading it?  He’s the brother to the guy that raped me.  And they look VERY similar.  Thankfully, his voice is very different from rape-y guy, or else I would have had to leave work immediately.

As it was, I broke down in TEARS driving home and then again when explaining to Hubs why I was so upset.  Needless to say, I did NOT go in to work on Friday or today.  Yesterday, I was still very raw and vulnerable.  Today, I’m doing much better, but still needed a very chill day.

An Angry Witch

I’m moody as fuck.  So you’ve been warned.

Watched this cool video on how a fellow witch plans/maps out how she’s going to utilize a bound book to be her Book of Shadows.  And I LOVE the idea.  I mean, for my Bullet Journaling, when setting up for a new month, I write out what each page will be in pencil first before going over it with pen.  Which is pretty much how she was laying out her various Books of Shadows.

But, the bulk of what she’s putting in her BoS is not stuff I would have in mine.  Which then sent me down the whole “why isn’t my witchcraft like everyone else’s?  why do I have to be the special witch out here doing shit that no one else does?”.

Which THEN sent me on the “then obviously there is a NEED for me to document and share my witchcraft, so other people have some fucking variety”.  But then what right do I have to do this when I’m barely even DOING witchcraft?  Do I really want to be one of those armchair witches?  Preaching all the things, but not DOING said things.

So now I’m sitting here, pissed the fuck off at mainstream witchcraft.  I’m pissed the fuck off at my own “lack” of witchcraft.  So I’m just sitting here stewing about what I’m going to do about all of this.

Wish me luck!  ::chuckles::

The Bones

I just finished reading a FASCINATING book. It’s Heavenly Bodies: Cult Treasures & Spectacular Saints from the Catacombs, by Paul Koudounaris. It’s heartbreaking to me to read about how these bones and skeletons of supposed martyrs were once, so lovingly adorned in precious jewels, beautiful wire work, and hand-made beautiful cloth, and revered, in the 1800s, and how present day, most (almost all) have been stripped of their jewels and clothing. Most skeletons have just been discarded like trash. Or even those who are lucky enough to remain intact, are shut away in attics or storage containers, never to see the light of day again.

At first, I was heartbroken because these skeletons were exhumed and then shipped out to various Catholic Churches, regardless of who they were (or weren’t as the case may be). But then to hear of how lovingly revered they were by their community was beautiful to hear. And then the end, where they are all mostly gone, mostly forgotten, and no longer in any standard of respect, just crushed me.

There are so many layers to sort through. I 100% support ancestor worship, and I fully believe that this was a version of that. While the skeletons may not have been martyrs, that is what they SYMBOLIZED and embodied for the people. They were a physical representation of that linage that linked them back through the ages to the very beginnings of Christianity. And I am sure, even if most of the bones were from non-Christian individuals, reverence is reverence, and that feeds the spirit (both those of the living and the dead). And to go from such a place of reverence and love…..to just being dumped into an unmarked grave? That’s just….cruel, in my eyes.

Oh, and the PHOTOGRAPHY in this book? ::chef’s kiss:: It is BEYOND perfect. I mean, just look at the cover photo alone:

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Depression

I am going through a depression spiral for the past few weeks.  It sucks, because this round is just sucking out any sort of pleasure I find in things that I usually use to pull myself out of a depression spiral.  Currently, just treading water until the ability to enjoy things returns.

Another shitty side effect of this round of depression is that I tend to increase my purchases, because I am HUNTING for that feel-good feeling.  And I will get a small happiness boost before it sinks again.  And then I am looking at something new to boost the mood.