I swear up and down that I’m going to get better about posting here and then I go weeks without doing so. ::shakes her head:: Well, one of the goals I’m laying down for myself for the month of September is 100 Words a Day in my blog. Raymond, one of my long-time journaling friends, has been doing a daily 100+ words challenge for years now and it’s really sparked me here recently to do something similar. So yeah, that’s my plan for September. So brace yourself. ::chuckles::
In other news, let’s play catch up.
I still haven’t mailed out the Red Fast Luck Oil bottles to friends just yet. But my paycheck was a little light this go around (with the way the pay week fell with my work days), so things are a bit tighter than I like until pay day. I might be able to ship a few out before then, but I’m not putting any major pressure on myself, because mentally? I’m pretty damn fragile at times. Like a bomb. Ya just never know what is going to set me off, or if I’ll go off.
Like my newest impulse is that I want to just run, screaming, from the Youth Desk to the Staff Area. For no reason. Just because. Every day. Every single time I’m out at the Youth Desk. Or flip a table. I mean…at least I’m not combating self-injury impulses, but what the fuck? Yeah, I need to get my ass into therapy. I’ve even found a local therapist, that on paper, I like. But I haven’t called and set up an appointment, even though I’ve had her contact information for about 2 weeks now. ::sighs:: Yeah, I gotta get on that soon.
Oh, and then on the 26th, I got to pass my first kidney stone. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. Thankfully, it was small enough to pass on its own in about 5 hours after making its presence known and didn’t require me to seek medical attention. But it was definitely big enough to make its presence KNOWN. So yeah, I’m now upping my water consumption and cutting back on my coffee consumption because I sure as shit don’t want to repeat that ever again.
I did have an epiphany the day after the Kidney Stone as to why there is so much friction between Dustin (quasi-supervisor) and myself. I mean, beyond his stereotypical CIS White Hetero Male bullshit. I’ve been top dog for sooooooo long (12 years I was the Campus Leader of my afterschool program and before that I was co-director for 3 years, I think?), so it’s been AGES since I’ve had to be an underling. And it’s just really chaffing to have to get permission for just about anything. And the communication is so one way. I have to tell him ALL THE THINGS. But he is really shitty about giving me a realistic timeframe on things that DIRECTLY EFFECT ME. I don’t do double standards at all. It’s one of the quickest ways to piss me off. So yeah, tacking that onto of his arrogant White Boy bullshit AND his unmitigated OCD bullshit, it’s no wonder I’m almost always grumpy (if not pissed off) with him.
I haven’t figured out how to FIX this yet. I’ve just figured out the root cause. I’ll work on a game plan later. ::laughs::
Honestly, I’m tempted to just tell my boss I’ve been exposed to COVID and staying home for 2 weeks. It just sounds so amazing right now. I mean, I have the money in savings that I could use to cover my bills and whatnot, so it’s totally doable. ::sighs:: I’m desperately needing some time Away. If COVID wasn’t a thing right now, I’d fly up to Wolf Park and spend a few days up in Indiana. I’d go see the wolves, hang out with them. I’d hit a few zoos. Maybe a nature preserve. Or maybe I would just hole up in a hotel room and just SLEEP for days on end. ::shrugs::
David’s anxiety is through the roof on all sorts of things. He’s worried about the collapse of society. He’s been building fences for us and redoing our gates. Which is nice, because now our backyard and sideyard are attached, but we have a swing gate that we can keep the sectioned off if we want to. It’s something I’ve been wanting since we moved into the house, four years go. But yeah, listening to him worry about banks collapsing, and protecting our house from marauders, and if we can eat dog food or not, what to do if people break into the house, what happens if we lose the house, what will we do if China invade, etc? Yeah, I just can’t take all of that shit on top of my own mental tornado as well.
I did broach the subject of him talking to the VA about getting some low-grade anti-anxiety medication. Maybe I should just go to the CBD store down the street and get some gummies for the both of us. He REALLY needs to chill the fuck out.
I never thought I would say this, but I really wish he would go back to watching his alien conspiracy theory YouTube videos instead of the collapse of society ones.
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