Currently

 

Two people I absolutely adore, do this each month and I am finally gonna hop on the bandwagon.

Current Accomplishment: Starting to really get into decluttering my room; called Mom and sung her our “Merry Happy New Birthday song”.

Current Annoyance: That I can’t draw as well as I would like. Like, I’m seeing improvement….but I’m not nearly to the level I want.

Current Bane of My Existence: all this damn HEAT (hello, Texas? It’s friggin’ OCTOBER. Can we PLEASE drop down into the 80s now?). The other part of that is that the a/c kinda-sorta works at the Library, but not really? So yeah, that’s not any fun either.

Current Blessing: having the last couple of days off from work. I took Friday and Saturday off due to our anniversary, and the Library is closed Sunday and Monday, so I’m enjoying a lovely 4-day weekend.

Current Book(s): ::laugh/cry:: Yeah, I haven’t read much of anything. Focus just isn’t there.

Current Clothing Thoughts: Currently loving soft t-shirts. I do need to purchase some new items for my wardrobe soon though.

Current Color(s): standard color is always gray, but have been liking dark red as well

Current Crush: anyone wearing horns. I definitely need to buy myself a pair to wear.

Current Drink: Sprite – deviating from my constant coffee addiction at the moment

Current Excitement(s): beginning of Spooky Season! LOVE it! AND sorting out how I want to get my hair cut and what color I’ll be going with on my birthday.

Current Feeling: A bit restless

Current Fetish: listening to certain songs on repeat. Hmm, I think horns could go here as well.

Current Films: Guardians of the Galaxy 3. I know this is gonna make me sound old, but what the fuck is up with all the spinning shots? I have to close my eyes or look away because it makes me sick.

Current Food: Strawberry poptarts

Current Goal: getting back into my journaling/blogging practice. Also, would like to actually do some Tarot/Oracle deck flip throughs on my YouTube channel.

Current Guilty Pleasure: JOURNALS and SKETCHBOOKS. I have MORE than enough. Seriously. I’m good. I don’t NEED any more. ::chuckles::

Current Image(s):

Currently Listening To: the airplanes overhead and the neighborhood dogs

Current Love: these lil madeleine brownies David picks up at Target. Soooo good. And I don’t generally even LIKE brownies. ::chuckles::

Current Mindfuck: that it’s been 14 years since I said “I Do” in Vegas to my best partner in crime. How the fuck has it been FOURTEEN years???

Current Mood: Honestly? Pretty mellow.

Current Music: Devil by Phix (boy with tats and horns? Don’t mind if I do). Triggered by SkyDxddy (along with her cover of Dax’s Joker). Oh and Unhinged by Elyse Myers.

Current Music Video: Definitely SkyDxddy’s cover of Dax’s Joker.

Current Outfit: soft t-shirt, this FABULOUSLY comfortable (and SOFT) active wear pants

Current Project: getting my October Bullet Journal set up and ready to go. Also setting up a “journal” journal for the beginning for 2024. Oh, and working on hashing out birthday goals and 101 goals.

Current Reason(s) to Laugh: it’s always a toss up between something off the wall and/or hysterical my husband says or does; or something goofy my puppers does

Current Reason(s) to Smile: beautiful no-longer-quite-full moon rising in the sky, and that it isn’t BALLS HOT once the sun goes down. That’s “autumn” for ya in Texas. ::chuckles::

Current Self-Care: Doing pretty good with face cleaning (both in the morning AND in the evening) and brushing my teeth – rather proud of that, as those have never been an honest to god habit, like everyone else seems to have.

Current Self-Image Thoughts: that I look pretty damn amazing for someone of my age AND with how much I suck at taking proper care of myself. ::laughs::

Current Slang or Saying: “Ah the sounds of the Library” (complete with screaming children, fire/police/ambulance sirens {due to us being very close to a police station, fire station, AND a hospital}, various levels of swearing from our mentally unstable patrons, and anything else that is NOT relaxing noises). “Never a dull day” is running a close second.

Current Song Lyrics:
I shouldn’t take things so serious
I don’t think they mean any harm
But it would sicken you too
If it happened to you
And you had to relive every part
Here come the flashbacks
And the panic attacks
How long does that shit last I’m losing myself by the day see
And I know you all think that I’m crazy
~Triggered, by SkyDxddy

Current Triumph: having completed TMS treatment. Seriously, if you suffer from chronic depression, look into TMS. It’s been a game changer for me.

Current TV Show(s): we just finished watching all 8 seasons of Suits. So good! I’m also watching Ancient Aliens.

Current Wish List: a personal maid and chef. Everything else, I can handle. But having those? That would be AMAZING. If we are being “reasonable” I would say, some nice boots, a few more “professional” tops, and a whole slew of bookshelves to house my various journals and sketchbooks.

Current Worry: my brother is going through some health issues.

Hurray Spooky Season

I’m trying to get back into the habit of journal keeping.  Guess you can say it’s a goal right now.

I’m currently working on my upcoming birthday goals.  Trying to keep them reasonable, but still a few to push me outside my comfort zone.  Also hashing out a 101 goals in 1001 days as well.  Sometimes, I just need things to look forward to.  Things to hope and strive for.

September 30^th marked my 14^th wedding anniversary.  Fourteen years married, 16 years TOTAL together.  Just crazy, when you think about it.  I cannot believe it’s been 14 years since we got hitched in Vegas.  ::chuckles::  I’m currently working towards getting us back to Vegas for our 15^th anniversary.

I know I will kick myself later on down the road about not writing more about TMS, but man, it’s a game changer for me.  I am having to come to terms with somethings about myself.  But it’s easier now.  Like, I have the motivation and the ENERGY to actually DO things.

I’ve been decluttering my room.  It honestly, has just been a dumping ground for everything over the past couple of years.  And I know that’s a major reflection of how my mental health was taking such a massive ass beating.  And I didn’t even realize how BAD it was.  But looking at all the useless SHIT I have in my room now?  Yeah, it was bad.  BUT, this gives me a marker to use in the future.  If I just start piling things up and not even LOOKING at what I’ve purchased?  Then I need to stop and really, REALLY check in with myself.

I need to revamp the affirmations I do.  I have the ones from my TMS sessions taped up on my bathroom mirror so I can see them every day.  And somedays, I go ahead and read each one out loud to myself before I go to work.  But, most of them no longer resonate with me.  And I think 15 affirmations is just too much as well.  So, I need to figure out what I want there instead.

I’ve also taken to reading my Spirit Companions’ names out loud.  Usually, I do this as a part of my winding down, getting ready for bed routine.  I just have so many at this point, that I kind of forget who is who.  So I have their names, plus their species written down on a piece of paper that is also tapped to my bathroom mirror (it’s a huge mirror).  I have a white 7-day candle in there that I’ll also light while reading the names, as a small offering to them all.

Work is still work.  ::shrugs::  But I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon.  I just don’t require self validation from my job.  It’s my job, not what I’m deriving my sense of self-worth from.  I’m still hoping that a position opens up at the library in my town.  That’s the IDEAL job at this point, as it would be a 5-minute drive TOPS to get there from my house.  ::chuckles::  Lort, that would be AMAZING. 

Other than that….hurray for official spooky season!

Out of Practice

Lort, I really fell off on writing here.  I wish I could say it was due to me writing so much more in physical journals, but that would be a lie.  Other than bullet journaling to keep my tasks straight, I have done ZERO journaling.

I dunno.  It's like my desire to write is there, but just not the motivation to actually DO said writing.

Like, I started this entry 3 hours ago and just walked away from it at the end of the previous sentence because I just didn't "want" to continue writing.  Makes me worry that another round of depression may be on the horizon.

Let's catch up on all The Things.

TMS
I completed my TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) program August 23rd.  Definitely bitter sweet as Suzanne, my Tech, was on vacation, so Kari is the one that finished it up.  They gave me a folder that has EVERYTHING broken down that we did in each session, from the book on CD to the TED Talks we watched, so that's really awesome.  It's just so weird to NOT be going to the TMS clinic each morning, as it was a staple for all of July and August.

I have seen a major difference in my moods since completely TMS.  My depression has times that it's completely gone.  Like, COMPLETELY.  Like, there isn't even the shadow of depression.  It's so weird and catches me off guard at times.  But hell, the treatment was DEFINITELY worth the time, effort, and money.

Woodshed Guitar Experience

So after my last TMS treatment, we got on the road, headed to Tennessee.  Hubs wanted to attend the Woodshed Guitar Experience in Crossville, TN.  It ended up being pretty cool.  I'll share photos of that at some point.  I haven't even downloaded them to my computer or anything.

Aaaaaaand, now it's two days later and I'm just now swinging back this way.  ::chuckles::  I'm coming back from the emotional dip and I think I'm back on track once more.  ::fingers crossed::  Let's hope so! 

Update Thingy

TMS check-in/update Thingy

Still going strong with TMS. I have 16 sessions left.
For the most part, it’s great. But yeah, going 5 days a week is beginning to wear on me. I can only handle so much happy, mindfulness training. Which, I’m sure says something about me. But I’m nothing if not contrary. So yes, the information I’m learning, the techniques are good. But yeah, after day 3…I’m snarky as fuck, and I have to do my best to keep that…tolerable. ::chuckles::

Still adore my TMS tech. She’s just super ADHD fabulous. No, seriously, she has ADHD and ALL OF THE ENERGY. So I can be a bit of a vampire and siphon off some of that energy for myself.

So yes. Still going strong. Most of the time, the treatment itself isn’t even painful any more. Just annoying. But even then, I can tune it out most of the time.

August Trip
The August trip we’ll be taking to Tennessee is looming on the horizon. I’m seriously looking forward to the trip, even if it isn’t something I would ever go to on my own. It’s a guitar thing that my husband is positively giddy about going.

Me? I’m planning to hit a zoo. Maybe some other sights. I’m hoping to meet up with Kimberly at least one of the days I’ll be up there. Another long-time journaling friend that I have never met in person. But I’m hoping to, this trip through Tennessee.

Avatar: The Way of Water
Finally got to watch this, and I adore it. It’s just an overall beautiful movie. I know, it has its faults. But man, it tugs at my heart strings....and my SOUL strings. Movies like that always leave me....ungrounded. What I wouldn’t give to have that kind of connection with animals. The only thing that would be better? Is if I was a shapeshifter.

Eh movies like that always leave me feeling a bit lost. They have me longing for something....more.

100 Days of Art
Yep, still going strong. Completed Day #96. I can’t believe I’ve stuck it with this entire time. And I can’t believe it’s almost over. I plan to extend it, and go for another 100 days. I also joined a FB group for local Urban Sketchers. I’m wanting to branch out and try this type of art out as well. I’m really enjoying the fuck out of this.

I’ve also been reading An Illustrated Journey: Inspiration from the Private Art Journals of Traveling Artists, Illustrators, and Designers, by Danny Gregory. And I just absolutely adore it. And it’s seriously inspiring. I want to have my own sketch travel journals.

Speaking of Art
Continuing the art thought train, but being its own separate train....I stumbled across a “Painting for Beginners” channel on YouTube. Completely by accident. But, the painting it offers is PERFECT for the art classes I lead at my Library Branch. So I pretty much have all of 2024 art classes mapped out. And there are still a TON more painting tutorials on the channel to keep me going for a LONG time.

So I’ll be trying those out for the rest of the year, to see what supplies and whatnot I need to put these art classes together. But man, just coming across that channel has lifted a MASSIVE weight off of my shoulders.

I get so burnout and stressed out, trying to come up with art classes that I can actually teach. But now, it’s just a matter of scrolling through the YouTube channel and picking out ones to practice. I am SO over joyed.

And of COURSE, this is giving me THE PERFECT excuse to pick up a sketchbook with thicker paper. Just so I can test these various painting tutorials out. ::grins happily::

Catch-up is the Name of the Game

Catch-up is the name of the game here. Ready? Set? Ok, let’s go!

TMS
This is going really well. On my last weekly check in (Tuesday), my scores on my depression symptoms and my anxiety symptoms put me in the non-depressive episode category. Like, I’m back in “normal” people’s range (at least when it comes to depression symptoms). ::laughs::

And I would be lying if I didn’t say I had some minor trepidation at that realization. TMS may actually significantly decrease my depression symptoms. And I panicked a bit, thinking “Who will I be, without my depression?” Meaning, I’ve had depression almost as long as I can remember. And it’s always held such a large place in my mind and my life. And without it….would I no longer be considered “neurodivergent”? As this has become a very defining term for me.

I sat with that a bit. And I realized, even if I don’t have depression…I am still not what most people would consider “normal”. I’ll still be my super quirky self….just without the WEIGHT of depression smothering me down. TMS might just allow me to fully embody my quirky self. So ya’ll better start prepping yourselves now. Because I plan to let my neurodivergence take center stage from here on out! ::laughs::

Delaware, Mother-in-Law, Brother-in-Law, oh my!
So MIL had a health crisis. This led to a WHORL-WIND trip up to Delaware. We flew out on June 30th. I flew back July 3rd. I had JUST started TMS, and it’s one of those treatments, that once you start….you REALLY need to miss as FEW treatments as possible. It’s been documented, that if you start and get about halfway through, and then try to pick it back up again…it doesn’t work. So it was imperative that I continue my treatments with as little disruption as possible.

So we fly up there. And yeah, talk about DELAYS. Actually, you know….let’s not. That wasn’t enjoyable at all. But yeah, she was in the ICU when we got there, but we got to go in and see her. Which, we really think boosted her morale. She was moved back to the surgery/cardiac floor the VERY NEXT DAY. And, the whole reason we went up there, because it didn’t look too good for her. And then she does this 180 and was doing so well that she was moved out of ICU. Even her nurses were beyond shocked.

David did text his brother, to let him know what was going on. Que up me meeting my BIL and niece for the first time ever. David and BIL were able to have a good conversation, in person, that I think cleared the air for both of them. I just hope for the best and leave that up to David how that’s going to go.

David flew back home on the 14th. His mom is currently doing very well and was at home and doing well there before he flew back. It was such a HUGE strain on David and it’s taken him a few days to get back to his normal self.

Temp Manager….VERY temp
So we got an Interim Manager on July 13th. And today was apparently his last day with us (not sure if it’s also his last day for the City as well). He was pleasant enough. I enjoyed the fact that he was NOT a chatty Kathy but that he also was very proactive on getting things fixed that needed fixing.

100 Days of Art
Still going VERY strong on this. Currently at Day 87. I’m super impressed with myself for sticking with this and branching out to try out new things. And that, even when I don’t like how a particular drawing is coming out, I tell myself “That just means I need to practice this style/subject MORE” instead of the “Oh, I suck at art”. It’s been a very NICE shift in thinking.

Danger Zone revisited

Ok, meeting with the Nurse Practitioner went SO amazing well. I absolutely ADORE her. And that’s hard to get out of me on initial meetings.

Plus, she was astute enough to look at the Psychiatrist’s notes and we went over those. And she recognized that there is some serious trauma, and said we wouldn’t be delving into them, but that she just wanted to verify the information was correct. ::HUGE sigh of relief::

She thinks there’s a bit of PTSD lingering from Psycho Ex and some abandonment issues around my father (gold star to her on both of those) and suggested EMDR treatment later on, if I felt like that was something I wanted to pursue.

So now we are just waiting to hear back from insurance if they will cover the treatment or not.

Helpful Suggestions
There were a number of helpful suggestions on various things people have done to work with their depression. And I know that NONE of the suggestions were given out in a manner of “oh hey, do this and it works perfectly”.

But......

Please understand as well, that I’ve been dealing with my depression, anxiety, trauma, panic attacks, aggression, etc., for damn near 30 years.

Meditation
I’m a motherfucking Pagan…do you think I have never TRIED meditation? Be it for spiritual, mental, or just overall well being?
For me, meditation is very much a double edged sword. Sometimes, I have zero issues with it and, yes, it can be quite calming. Other times, by stilling all the swirling thoughts in my head, it simply AMPLIFIES the depression voice and makes everything a THOUSAND times worse.

Eating Better
Yes, I’m very aware that my current eating habits would make a rabid raccoon look like a Health Guru.
And I’m very aware that various foods DO have an impact on one’s physical, psychological, and mental states.
However. Right now? I’m in survival mode. I’m eating comfort, “safe” (meaning ones that I know I will like, that I don’t have an issue with texture or taste) foods just to keep me going. Cutting out all of my comfort foods right now would do the exact opposite of what we are attempting to accomplish here (i.e. keeping me alive).
So yes, I am cutting back on the amount of comfort food. And I’m slowly introducing healthy foods. But that’s going to be a process, not something just one and done.

Coping Strategies
Oh trust me, I have a SHIT TON of coping strategies. But I’m always all ears to hear new ones. Please, feel free to toss those out at any point. If it’s something that has worked for you or a close loved one, I would love to hear it. Because, even if it doesn’t work for me, it might spark an idea on something else I can try.
This is one of the things the Nurse Practitioner actually complimented me on – ALL the various coping strategies I have, have tried, are modifying so they work better. Trust me, TONS of various ones, both conventional and non-conventional. Hmm, I should do an entry listing out all my Coping Strategies. Might be helpful for others. And if nothing else, it should spark some sort of dialog, in which I can also learn a new trick or two.

Sleeping Habits
Yes, I utilize my phone, in bed, as part of my unwinding and getting ready to sleep routine. Yes, I am aware of all the studies out there that say you should turn off all electronics and definitely do NOT have them in the bedroom. I do a coloring app and switch on my Apollo Neuro specifically to either the Unwind vibe or the Sleep vibe. I have a specific CD that I listen to every night, and have done so for well over a year now.
Yes, it takes me a little over an hour to fully unwind enough to go to sleep. I still awake up in the night at least once (usually twice) and am up for around 15 to 20 minutes and then I’m able to go back to sleep.
I know all the studies that say you should be getting a solid sleep the entire night through. The only times I’ve experienced that was when I was sick, drunk, or had been up for 4+ days in a row. Sure, I can take sleeping pills or ZQuil. But I have the habit of SERIOUSLY abusing those, so I try to stay away from them.

Exercise
Yes, I know all about the benefits of exercise. I have been quite fit at various points in my life.
It’s just the major shake up that completing my Master’s degree and leaving behind a career field that I had been working in since I was 14, did a huge number on me. Also going from part time to full time work took a serious adjustment.
And it’s hard to get out and walk the dog (one of the things I really enjoy) when the heat is so horrid. Our heat index today was 117 – temperature was 99. And it’s only supposed to get hotter at the week continues.
I am on a number of psych drugs – many of which that effect my body’s ability to regulate internal temperature. I’ve also had heat stroke before. And it just makes you more susceptible for heat stroke from then on out.

In Closing
This isn’t an attack on anyone. This isn’t me saying don’t share your suggestions. Just, know that in the 30 yrs I’ve been dealing with this, I HAVE heard of meditation. I HAVE heard of kale. And trust me. If doing yoga, eating kale, and doing daily meditation would cure the CHEMICAL IMBALANCE in my brain, I would be all over that.

Love you all and wishing you NOTHING but the absolute best.

Danger Zone

Man, I’ve been bottoming out BAD these last few days. And I know it’s due to having to discuss my traumas over and over and over again with the various people at the TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) Clinic. I’m just.....over it. I don’t want to talk about it any more.

I had a Zoom meeting with the tech that will be doing the TMS on me. I like her well enough. But....I dunno. Something feels a bit off. The Clinic I’m going to has the highest success rates in the nation.... Because they combine TMS with therapy and working through a Mindfulness about Depression (or something along those lines) book as well. And I dunno…just getting cult-ish vibes. But that COULD be due to me listening to all these true crime videos – predominately ones about cults. So yeah.

Oh, and they do counseling as well. Which is another reason why they have such a high success rate. But man, I am NOT wanting to process any of this shit right now. Just zap my brain and let’s be done with it.

I go tomorrow for my meeting with the Nurse Practitioner (NP) tomorrow morning. I’m sure I’ll have to go through my trauma AGAIN at this point. Honestly, for my own mental health, I think I’m going to tell her to pull up my file – either the 4 hour long Clinic questionnaire I did, or the recap with the Psychiatrist, OR the one I did with the Tech. Because, I don’t have it in me to go through ALL of that AGAIN. I mean, I’ve rehashed my trauma more times in the past couple of WEEKS than I have in YEARS and my mental health is taking one HELL of a beating for it.

In non-TMS/Trauma news, we are FINALLY out of the Ransomware Era at work....kind of. ::laughs:: We are about 25% up. We can check OUT all the damn items we’ve been just keeping in Word Docs, and we can update patrons’ accounts AND create new accounts. But that’s it. Our catalog and all that jazz is still completely down. We spent 44 days completely down. And man, I KNOW I’m going to miss the shit out of how calm and peaceful work has been. But all good things must come to an end. ::sighs::

I got my physical done with Dr. O – required for the TMS Clinic. And for the most part, everything was about what I expected it to be. But my weight was a LOT higher than the last time I was in her office, and I’m NOT happy about that one bit. Gonna have to get on that soon. Guess my diet of coffee, donuts, cigarettes, and peanut butter isn’t that sustainable. Yeah, I’ve been COMFORT feeding for a while. ::looks up at the whole TMS thing:: Yeah, can’t IMAGINE why I’m doing that.

And after my appointment with Dr. O I had to do a blood draw (again to screen for all the things my Psychiatrist wants me screened for). That required SEVEN vials of blood plus a cup of urine. I am very proud of myself. I didn’t get woozy until the 7th vial. But yeah, got SUPER lightheaded, sweating, and nausea. ::chuckles:: Good times.

And then later on this month, I’ll be doing my yearly gyno visit as well. You know, I’m about OVER June and all these various doctor/health appointments.

BUT, something cool. I DID finally buy myself an Apollo Neuro. I’ve been eying them for over a YEAR, but the price kept it out of reach. But with the income tax return being so nice, and my mental health being ALL OVER the board, I figured, this couldn’t hurt. And man, I ADORE it. No clue if it actually HELPS with calming or energizing or any of that. But I find the vibrations just soothing if nothing else. Comforting. So, even if that is ALL it does? I’m happy I bought it. I wear it on my ankle at the moment. Though I do want to get a smaller band, so I can wear it on my wrist at night.