Unsettled

Feeling extra, extra, EXTRA scattered today. Unsettled, I think would be a better word.
I have an interview at a more local library on Wednesday. I just happened to see the job posting and applied for shits and giggles. And yeah, they offered me an interview.

I’m not UNHAPPY at my current branch. I absolutely adore the bulk of my coworkers. And we JUST got our new manager (she’s managing our branch and another) and she seems really cool.

And there are a lot of things about my current job that I just really like. But, if I were to work at this new library, it would slash my commute SIGNIFICANTLY. Plus, I wouldn’t have to use the toll roads at all. Simply not using the toll roads would save me around $175 a MONTH. How nice would that be?

But, on the flip side, this new library requires a more professional dress code. So my day of jeans would be at an end. But I didn’t see anything about “unnatural” hair color, so hopefully I’ll get to keep that.

Either way, it gives me food for thought. I don’t have to decide anything this exact moment. I still have to go kick ass in the interview first and foremost.

In other news, I’m gearing up for #The100DayProject. It’s a creative challenge to do SOMETHING creative every day, for 100 days. It “officially” kicks of February 22nd. But, I’m already prepping pages, as I plan to do art journal pages. And I know me, if I don’t prep while I have the free time, I’ll get way behind and get upset at myself.

Embracing my Inner Karen

Ok, brace yourself.

I’ve got some SERIOUS fan girl flailing to do.

Ok, so I read a book on Tuesday, Witch of the Wolves, and was FURIOUS because it ripped off sooooooooo many things from Kelley Armstrong's Women of the Otherworld series, and Kelley Armstrong is one of my absolute FAVORITE authors. So I’m talking, I was HELLA heated.

So, when I got home, I emailed Kelley Armstrong about it, saying if she hasn't read it, she should. And then gave her like 8 bullet points of the biggest rip offs I came across.  Yes, I went full Karen here.  ::laughs::

Well, SHE emailed me back.

And said, it was her writing, just under a pen name. And it's a Victorian spin off of the Otherworld series.

She was expecting people to figure it out once the book was published, but I was the first person to email her since the book was released, 3 months ago.

She apologized for it making me feel like someone was taking advantage of her work. And then said, since you are the first person to reach out to me, you deserve a prize. Any one of her books, she'll sign and send to me.

::alllllll the fan girl flailing::

So yeah, I was flailing soooooo fucking hard about it.  So I’ve requested a copy of the Witch of the Wolves to be my signed book.  I thought about going with one of the Otherworld series books, but realized, it makes for a better story, if I got the book that made me contact Kelley Armstrong in the first place, as my autographed book.

Expect more fan girl flailing to occur when said book arrives and it is in my hands.

Day 1

So here we are, in 2026. Gotta do the traditional “Word” and “Spirit” of the year entry.

Word: Assess
verb
1. to judge the worth, importance, etc, of; evaluate

I’ve been doing quite a bit of assessing various things in my life here recently. Somehow, I picked up various lil “rules” on how things SHOULD be done, and when I can’t meet that stupid standards, I would tear myself apart.

But here’s the kicker....I’m the only one enforcing said “rules”. And they are fucking stupid. So, I’m really looking hard at things I “suck” at, and seeing what I can do to make them easier for me to get done. It doesn’t have to all get done at once.

I’m neurodivergent. I’m just now realizing how much I don’t function in a purely neurotypical world. So it’s time to adjust MY world to better suit me.

Spirit: Black Leopard
- harness your inner power
- can represent courage, beauty, grace, protection, femininity, death, rebirth, cunningness, viciousness, reclamation of power, and ability to know the dark
- need to be more flexible
- teaches grace in silence
- evaluate when to speak up and when to sit with silence
- embrace your passions
- helps you to understand your inner powers often hidden without in the dark
- encourages you to use that power to remove any fears you have of the unknown
- have courage when you need to stand alone, or whenever you feel alone
- helps you discover your personal truth
- represents hidden pleasures
- you are ready to face the darkness that has been holding you back

This year’s Spirit chose me in a very potent dream.
Let’s see what 2026 has in store.

Don't Punish

Don't punish the behavior you want to see.

If someone is making serious strides in something....don't shit all over it because it isn't up to your standards.

Nothing is more demoralizing that putting in that effort...only to have someone be all "eh" about it. 

Because, why would they want to continue putting in the effort?

Cougar Puberty

I saw someone refer to perimenopause as “cougar puberty” and laughed so hard.

Seriously, if reincarnation is real and I had a choice?  I definitely would NOT come back as female.  All these various puberty things suck so much ass.

All of that to say, Hi.  I’m going hella feral.  Consider this you only warning.  ::chuckles::

Mood’s been all over the place today.  Doesn’t help that it’s friggin 30 degrees here in TX at the moment, and my brain meats are definitely making their displeasure at the deep temperature drop KNOWN.

In less dramatic topics, I’ve got my birthday goals set AND re-did my 101 goals in 1001 days.  And I’m pledging right now to adhere to said goal lists and not just toss them and completely rewrite them nine hundred times (like I’ve done ALL year).  Wish me luck!

Fun.....for me

The MOST FABULOUS interaction I had today at PetsMart when I stopped in to purchase mice for Leviathan (my 19 year old corn snake)

So I get up to the counter with my box of frozen mice.
Lady: Oh, so do you have a snake?
Me: Naw. These are better than shrimp on the bbq.
I swear to god, her brain straight up Blue Screened.
Me: I’m kidding. I’m kidding! I know it says NoT fOr HuMaN cOnSuMpTiOn.
Her: Wait, WHAT?
Me: Yeah, it’s not even the first thing listed!
Her (horrified) : Wait…what IS the first thing listed???
Me: Do not microwave.
Her horror increases: Why?
Me: Oh they explode
Her 😳
Me: But yeah, to circle back to your question....yes I do have a snake.

Culling of the Inks Continues

Nearing the end of the Ink Saga.  I just have 9 or so left to do and I’ve swatched ALL the inks I currently have.  And I think I’ve passed 45+ inks on to Alfredo – good mix of samples and then smaller bottles from the Diamine Inkvent & Colorverse Colorvent 2024. 

Speaking of which, I think my 2025 Diamine Inkvent should be arriving soon.  And I’ve ordered the 2025 Colorverse Colorvent.  So yeah, something like 50 bottles of ink between them.

My LONG awaited pen from Just Turnings in Australia is finally stateside.  It’s currently in Chicago, so hopefully, I’ll have that pen by the end of the week.

Other than that, I’ve got shit else to talk about.  ::chuckles::

INK

Ink, ink, and guess what?  MORE ink.  ::laughs::

I have decided (in my infinite wisdom) that I need to do a proper ink compendium of all my inks, based off color families.  Which is a great idea, honestly.  Keeps me from buying similar colors and all that jazz.

But that means, I’m going through my ENTIRE ink collection.  We’re talking a good 175 or so inks.  And some inks?  They are a mixture of two color families, so they get swatched in both sections.  Some are purple and blue.  Some are pinks and browns.  Etc., etc., etc.

Which, in all honesty, is a good thing.  It’ll help me use up some of the samples that I have the TINIEST bit left.  Will also allow me to stop and evaluate every ink as I swatch it.  Do I wish to keep the ink? Does it just need to be rinsed out of the sample vial (if only the tiniest amount remains)?  Or is there enough of the ink, that I can pass it on to Alfredo.  Thus getting it out of MY collection, and dumping it on him.  ::laughs::

Goal Getter

So I’m redoing my 101 goals in 1001 days and making it more “official” by utilizing their website to host my list of goals.

I’m currently up to 74 goals and still trucking on them.  Add to this, that I’m also setting up my 44 goals for my 44^th year….and yeah, LOTS of dreaming it occurring.

Quite a few of the goals revolve around culling out various hoarding I have done over the years – oracle and tarot decks, to wands, to stones, to perfumes, etc.  Just will need to figure out where to sell them off.  Most likely eBay or directly to friends.  I’m not looking to get rich off of it by any means.  I just want it to go somewhere that it will actually be appreciated…instead of collecting dust and space here in my home.

The Question

The Pen Show is tomorrow and Saturday.  I asked off for that and our anniversary.  I’m debating if I really even want to go to the Pen Show.  Financially?  Fuck no.  After paying the balance on the maker pen that’s coming from Australia, I really don’t have money to purchase any pen at the show.  And I definitely do NOT need anymore notebooks.  So really, the only reason I would go is in case they have a special ink made for the Pen Show itself.  It’s been done in the past, so it IS a possibility.  But at the same time, I’m currently working through the inks I have, and culling out the ones I know I will NOT use.

To go, or not to go……..

The Beginning

Pretty sure I’m in perimenopause.  Isn’t that just grand.  ::rolls her eyes::

Yeah, got hit with a hot flash out of nowhere today.  You know, I didn’t think hot flashes would be especially bad for me.  But I forgot that when I get overheated, I get so nauseous.  And yeah, today, I had fans going at work.  The building was a crisp 69 degrees.  AND I was fanning myself manually with a thin notebook.  And the entire time, I was repeating over and over in my head like a mantra “Do not throw up.  Do not throw up.  PLEASE do not throw up”. 

And as fast as it came, it left.  And then the headache descended. 

Seriously NOT looking forward to possible YEARS of this shit.

GLORIOUS

Last night I dreamt that I pretty much dumped Psycho Ex into the realm of the Fair Ones and skipped away. I just remember the look of utter hopelessness and betrayal on his face when he realized where I left him it was FABULOUS. I wish I could bottle up that feeling and use it whenever I’m having a down day. Because I pretty much rode a high ALL DAY. Anytime I’d start feeling a bit “meh”, I would remind myself of his look of utter abandonment of all home his face had when I danced out of the door, leaving him trapped with the Fair Ones.

Now, some of you may recall that I have absolutely ZERO dealings with the Fair Ones....but this? This I would gladly do.

Numbers

So let’s spitball some numbers here.

Leviathan turned 19 years old this month.  I can hardly believe I’ve had my lavender serpent for almost 2 decades!

Hubs turned 50.  We did dinner at Medieval Times and had a blast.

I’ll be turning 44 in November. 

Just wild how fast time flies by once you stop and look back at all that has been accomplished/endured/dominated. 

I’ve been with my current library for 5 years now.  Crazy to stop and think about that.  I never thought I would ever truly leave child care/education behind.  But yeah, I honestly haven’t looked back once I got out.  And from what former coworkers have told me, I got out when the getting was good.  Such a shame.  It was a fabulous afterschool program in the beginning.  And to think I worked there for 12 years.

Two Into One

I’m exchanging two terrible debts for one reasonable debt.
One credit card had $2500 on it, with an APR of something in the realm of 23%. The other credit card was sitting at $15,000 on it with an APR of 17%. I was making payments without issue, but with the credit as high as it was WITH that high of an APR? Yeah, I was just treading water.
So, I took out a private loan for $16,000 with an APR of just 7%. They have it set up to be a standard 5 year loan, but I can elect to pay it back quicker without penalty. So I can actually get it PAID OFF. Woohoo, I can’t wait.
It’s just a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I knew it was a heavy weight, but I didn’t realize how much it was utterly CRUSHING me. I feel like I can breathe now.

Feral

As I inch closer and closer to my birthday (55 days away), the more obsessed I become with creating my list of birthday goals.  This year, since my mental health has been in the shitter more so than usual, I’ve been writing and rewriting my possible goals a thousand times over.  Making lists of goals gives me something to look forward to plus it distracts the mean part of my brain so it stops beating me up.

Doesn’t help with the world being the way the world is.

Job’s a bit more chaotic.  Pambie retired abruptly in August and we are without a manager until October.  So we’re all just rolling with the chaos before we have to behave like anything OTHER than the feral goblin raccoons we are.

Casting About

So many things to write about, and yet I’m casting about for the words.
Fountain pens are currently dominating my life, though that obsession is beginning to wane a bit. So hopefully, I can find a balance between physical journal writing and electronic writing. They both have their pros and cons.
I am currently hosting a journal swap with five other members. Two of which? I will not invite into another one of my swaps. ::shrugs:: It is what it is. There are only two rounds left, so it should come to a close soon, thankfully.
I need to remember my core values and ensure they are upheld.

Black Wings

It's not those with black wings who fall, but those who give up on flying.

It's not about how you look or the burdens you carry -- it's about whether you have the strength to rise above your own limits. Even in darkness, a path to the light can be found, as long as you don't let fear keep you grounded.

~ Dream Weaver AI

Black wings have always played a MAJOR role in my personal mythos and symbols.  And this quote just brought goose bumps to my body.

Hawk is the animal spirit I chose for this year.  Hawk’s message to me, is to let go of the bullshit and soar.  It’s the bullshit, and holding onto that so tightly, that keeps me grounded and unable to fly. 

A few days back, I had a dream in which a Condor (Andean Condor to be specific) caught and killed a Hawk.  Just smashed it into the ground.  And Condor, as a spirit guide?  It’s practically a supercharged Hawk.  Greater expanse.  Greater viewpoint.  Closer connection with divinity/universe/The Source.

It almost feels like I’m being told that I’m playing it too small.  Even with Hawk.  Even with loosening my grip on the bullshit that is keeping me grounded.  I’m just taking too long. 

So Condor has decided to step in and kickstart this transformation.  New Vision.  New Journey.  New Pathway. 

WOOT!

::happy fist shakes::

So I’ve been stuck on the genealogy on the G. lineage at A.G., who was born in 1800. ZERO information beyond him. Like, he just dropped out of the sky and appeared it seemed. But today.....today was I dinking around a bit (as I’m wanting to put a copy of my family tree of direct ancestors in my Book of Shadows), and just happened to stumble across some information that had a FATHER listed for him. I swear my jaw hit the floor.

I’ve been hunting this guy from every angle I could THINK of, for YEARS now, and today? Today, I just stumble upon it, so easily. So yes, now I have the name of my direct ancestor on the G. lineage SEVEN generations back.

Sure, other branches of my tree go soooooooo much further back, but this one has been a serious challenge for me. I mean, the Slavic branch is basically only as far back as the family has records (so only to my great-great grandparents), and I’ve accepted that as where the trail will go cold. It doesn’t help that the TINY town in Ukraine that this branch is from, has been a part of Poland as well, based on what WW had just ended. So yeah.....finding ANY documentation? I would legit die of SHOCK.

WIP

I’m spiraling a bit again.

Is it bad that part of me is just like “fuck it, let’s do this. let’s spiral completely and utterly out of control”…
I dunno. I guess I’ve been sitting on the brink of a mental break down for quite sometime now, and I’m just ready to cannon ball in, and get it over with. So I can begin the arduous task of putting everything back together again.

I have so many things, and yet, I am not content at all. My skin feels too tight. I have so much restless feelings, but zero energy.

Current work in progress:

I need to figure out how to make a good lavender color for the flowers....

::happy fist shakes::

Oh holy shit, you guys! The author of The Complete Encyclopedia of Egyptian Deities did a shout out for my video flip through of her book. That has been the highlight of this week! ::happy fist shakes::

I mean, the rest of the week can go play in traffic, but this? This is AMAZING and I’m beyond thrilled. I will admit that I had a moment of panic, because I have no idea what I said exactly in the video. So I scrambled to go back and rewatch it, but naw, it’s all good.

And I still stand my opinion that this book is worth its weight in GOLD. And with it being a heckin’ BIG book? That’s a whole lotta gold, I tell ya. ::chuckles::

P.S. If you wanna see said video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXMdmw_X7ik&t=1s