Brain Dump

April 11^th was my 17^th anniversary of being NSSI (Non-Suicidal Self-Injury) free.  Normally, I would write some fabulously upbeat entry about it being 6,205 days since the last time I engaged in NSSI behavior.

But not this go around.  The next day, I bottomed out bad.  Not quite to the point of being a danger to myself…but I could see that looming on the horizon.  The past few years have REALLY tested my resolve to not engage in self-harm.  And for now, I’m holding onto my track record.  But I’m not 100% sure if I’m even doing myself any HELP right now by refusing to engage in it.  ::shrugs::

Work’s ok.  Kind of hit this lull where we are all getting along for the most part.  Marriage is going strong.  Spirituality is returning.  And, most shocking of all, I am LOVING doing videos in the Pagan FB group and have done a few for my YouTube channel.  I even bought a phone mount for my car, so that, should traffic prove to be an absolute bitch, I could record something while I wait out traffic.

We are getting a VERY NICE income tax return.  And of course, my head is just SWIMMING with dreams and desires and wishes to spend the money on.  I do plan to squirrel a large portion of it away into my savings.  I should be breaking the $14k level soon, even without the extra bump from the tax return. 

I sit here at times, just FLOORED by the fact that things, honestly, are really looking up.  I am aggressively paying down my final credit card bill.  I am able to sock away at least $400 a month specifically to savings.  And that still leaves me breathing room with what I have in checking, that I’m able to slowly continue to upgrade my wardrobe and replace things that should have been replaced YEARS ago.  I mean, a few years ago, I was barely making ends meet with my personal finances.  And now?  Now I’m sitting quite well.  But I’m under zero illusions that it will always remain this way.  Hence why I try to squirrel quite a bit away and purchase the things I NEED. 

I don’t know if the plan to visit Boston in the fall is still on.  We would be going to attend one of Hub’s coworker’s wedding.  If we end up not doing that, I’m taking my ass to Wolf Park.  I NEED something to really feed my spirit, and that will fill it to overflowing.

I do plan to buy some goose food and make it a point to go visit my Canada Geese Hoard.  I miss them something fierce right now.  And it would also be good for my soul to just go hang out with them, and be my normal Cryptid Self – the Lady Who Keeps the Geese In Line.  The Lady to Whom the Geese Answer.  The Lady to Whom the Geese Come When She Calls.  ::smiles::

I am currently working on grinding up some of Titan’s rose petals to try my hand at making rose beads again.  I am envisioning making a small necklace to adore one of the Sekhmet icons I have.  And some of the Spirits I keep, enjoy roses as offerings.  So I’m also envisioning making strands of rose beads to drape around my altar.  I am going to see if I can dry them in my dehydrator or if they need to air dry for best results. 

Yep, that seems like a good place to end this entry.  Until next time!

Videos and things

Since I’ve been doing little videos here and there in one of my Facebook Pagan groups, I find myself wanting to do MORE videos. But then I’m at a lost of what to make them about? I’m sure few people want to listen to me wax poetically (aka RAMBLE) on YouTube. ::chuckles:: Honestly, I just need to drill down on some of the 80+ topics I want to chat about, and figure out a base script for each one. I’ll get there at some point.

My order of the W.I.T.C.H. Oracle cards arrived today, and I friggin’ SWOONED over so many of the cards. Just gorgeous. I know I definitely want to do a proper flip-thru of that deck. Especially since you can’t get it now if you didn’t back it on Kickstarter back in 2021. Yeah, that’s how long I’ve been waiting on this deck. But I tell you, SO WORTH THE WAIT. I just need to figure out how to set up my phone to record top down, so the cards aren’t backwards. I’ll figure something out. And if I can’t, I’m sure Hubs can create SOMETHING for me. ::chuckles::

I am finding it harder and harder to collect my thoughts into a linear path. My train of thought is much akin to herding cats.....while using a vacuum cleaner. It is just ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.

Hmmm, let’s see, what else?
Oh! Littlest Niece got her leg x-rayed last week and it healing completely fine! So she’s out of the boot and doesn’t have to do anything else at this point. Woohoo!

I will be seeing Dr. O. (my primary) April 3rd to discuss my increasing migraines. I had to be taken off my preventive migraine medication because it was creating MASSIVE kidney stones.

Haven’t heard back from the Endo even though Dr. O. sent over the referral on the 15th. And honestly? If Dr. O. didn’t recommend me going, and she’s the one that sees all the thyroid tests we’ve done in the past few years, then I’m not going to sweat it. If they call me, great. If they don’t, meh. Don’t really care at this point.

Dr. O. also sent in a pre-authorization request for me to do the Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Carly did her first session on the 16th and said it was quite painful – like a sinus headache that she could also feel in her teeth, but that it only lasted 5 minutes or so. Her headache honestly sounds like one of my run-of-the-mill migraines, so I’m still pushing onwards to this possibility.

April, a FABULOUS fucking friend, got a snake! ::smiles:: So I’ve been enjoying the “newness” of her being a snake mommy. Seriously, I absolutely ADORE her enthusiasm and just SHEER JOY in experiencing most of life. And I am LOVING listening to her babble about her scaly baby so much. And I’ve given her some tips and tricks that I’ve learned over the YEARS with Leviathan.

I FINALLY received my journal and Sharmila’s journal from Raven (in England) this week. It was supposed to be mailed out back in JANUARY, but Raven hasn’t adhered to the swap agreements what-so-ever. I’m just glad to have the journals back in my possession. I’ll work in Sharmila’s before sending it back to her in late April. But yeah, needless to say, Raven is banned from any of my other journal swaps. ::shakes her head:: Just ridiculous.

Burnt Out

I’ve come to realize that I’m completely burnt out.

I’m burnt out on teaching classes at my Branch, even if they are classes on things I ENJOY.
I’m burnt out on helping people and being super nice.
I’m burnt out on socializing.
I’m burnt out on working with the public.
I’m burnt out on having to deal with the constant level of bullshit and drama from coworkers.
I’m burnt out on the drive to and from work.

I’m just burnt out.
And it seriously sucks because we are heading towards summer, which is when things get SUPER busy at the Libraries, and I’m already loathing that.

I need to call my various doctors tomorrow to get the various balls rolling on the various treatment options I am looking into. Wow, how many times can one say “various” in one sentence? ::chuckles::

I need to have Dr. O write a letter to my insurance, telling them why I am a candidate for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and/or Ketamine Therapy. Carly (my work BFF) goes in for her TMS consultation on the 16th, so I’m hoping she can give me a bit more insight as to what that’s going to entail. She says that insurance is covering all but $900 of the treatment. I can afford that. I just need this depression to go away.

I also need Dr. O to send over any labs/testing for my Thyroid to the Endocrinologist I am wanting to see. Also need to get Dr. H to do the same thing, since she’s the one that wants me to see an Endocrinologist. And once the Endo gets all of that, reviews it, then they will contact me to set up an appointment.

Tornadoes and Special K

Ok, so first things first. We got one HELL of a storm last night. As it stands right now, there are reports that at least 6 tornadoes touched down because of that storm. Thankfully, none of them touched down here. We just got 80 mph straight winds for a few hours and a whole lotta rain and thunder. We even lost power for about an hour, and we almost NEVER lose power (we’re close to a police station and a hospital, so our grid is usually very protected).

But yeah, hella storms last night. And today is bright and clear skies as far as the eye can see. Other than a few downed branches, you couldn’t even tell.

So, Ketamine. Yeah, good ole Special K drug. Apparently it’s good for treating treatment resistant depression. So I brought this up to my General Doctor and she highly recommends either that or Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.

I thought I was doing the right thing, calling my insurance company first, to see if it’s even covered. But apparently, this is the WRONG way to go about it. I have to have my doctor submit a request for it. Then a medical board (that works for the insurance company) reviews it, and THEN I’ll receive a letter telling me either A) it’s been approved or B) it’s been denied and why it was denied.

I am trying to get this treatment because MY DEPRESSION IS BAD and it’s resistant to most treatments. I’ve had to double two of my psych meds. I’m maxed out on the 3rd one. And I’m still barely keeping my head above water.

And THEN, on top of all of this, I received a voicemail from the Endocrinologist that I’m supposed to see on the 22nd. Not only is the doctor going to be unavailable for the two weeks that my appointment falls on. BUT, apparently they are referral ONLY. The nurse was honestly bewildered how I was even ABLE to make an appointment, as their system should have blocked me.

So now, I have to also call my gynecologist, as she’s the one that wants me to see an endocrinologist, and get her to send in a REFERRAL and all the necessary paperwork the endo requires. But I made this appointment back in JANUARY, so who the fuck knows when I’ll get an appointment? ::snarls::

I seriously LOATHE insurance companies. These things should NOT be run as for-profit businesses. It’s such a bullshit thing.

Gifted

So, apparently Littlest Niece is as gifted and graceful as our family is.

She fell off a little slide, that was covered in a rubber mat, with rubber chips on it.....

And she BROKE HER FUCKING LEG.

And she just told her dad (my brother) that she had a boo-boo and needed a band-aid. It wasn’t until later that night that she kept complaining about having a boo-boo and stopped putting weight on it.

So she’s in a boot for the next 4 weeks. At that point, they’ll x-ray her leg again, and decided on where to go from there.

Wolfie 2.0

So I re-stumbled upon a particular motivational speaker on YouTube. I say “re-stumbled” because I’ve watched his videos previously, but this time around, they really struck a cord with me. Note: YouTuber I’m talking about is Clark Kegley.

I mean, he STRONGLY advocates for keeping a journal, so of course I’m intrigued.

So I’ve been doing some serious reflecting and self-truth-telling (which, even tho I’m 100% Scorpio and can see to the deep depths of others, I RARELY enjoy turning that laser sight on myself). And I’ve been asking myself, what would Wolfie 2.0 look like (taking from Kegley’s concept of Wolfie right now is 1.0; what would the next evolution of Wolfie look like – hence Wolfie 2.0). Like, if everything went perfectly and according to plan, what would I look like in my wildest dreams?

And I’m realizing…while I’m FABULOUS at making goals, I suck serious ass when it comes to following through with said goals.

So that’s what I’m focusing on at the moment.

And using Jashii Corrin’s (another YouTuber) monthly goal check-in system is also making sure I check-in with each individual goal every month.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor to discuss my anti-depression medication regiment. Depression has been kicking my ass 7 ways ‘til Sunday. And honestly, I’m tired of just holding on.

So this is me, embracing my Word of the Year: Proactive.

Instead of waiting around for my depression to get better, I’m trying to improve it.
Instead of waiting around for my ideal self to just magically appear, I’m seeking to understand how and why I sabotage myself, over and over.

::chuckles:: Man, I understand now, why people would get spooked when I turn my Scorpio laser vision on them, and see through all their bullshit (regardless if they were trying to pull the wool over my eyes, or just over their own eyes). This shit sucks.

But Wolfie 2.0, with her kick-ass life, doing kick-ass things? She isn’t going to just magically materialize out of the ether.

More Rambles

Brain weasels are behaving (mostly) today. So time to revisit variously topics.

Snow/Ice/Sleet
I get to go to work tomorrow. Working 11 am to 5 pm, but am getting paid for the entire day. So that’s a sweet deal. And since I did some training today, I get to count today as a “work from home” day.

Restless
Yep, still restless, but it isn’t as bad as it was yesterday. Did get a bit of cleaning done on my white altar. Not 15 minutes worth, but hey 10 minutes is better than nothing. But at least I have some done, and a better idea for my next attack.

New Topic: Mindfulness Candles
I came across these friggin’ ADORABLE Mindfulness Candles on my merry lil jaunts around the InterWebs. But I ain’t paying $18 for 5 friggin’ candles and a candle holder, to then also pay another $13 in shipping. So I thought to myself, how can I cheap witch this. Birthday candles are about the same size and a hell of a lot cheaper. So now I just need a candle holder that will work with such small candles. I plan to take an empty tealight holder that I have, fill it with hot glue, and place one of the plastic birthday candle holders in it until the glue cools. Hopefully, I can pop out the plastic candle holder and just have an indent in the harden glue. Then I can try out my cheap witch hack and see if it will work.

I mean, I kind of love the idea of keeping it simple. Just lighting a candle, and spending some TIME in front of my altar. It will probably take me a while to work back up into big rituals again. But this? This is simple and something I am pretty sure I can keep up with, even on my low energy days (aka, when the Brain Weasels are being horrid).