Growing Pains

Restless…so very, very, VERY restless right now.

I don’t even feel comfortable in my own damn skin right now. Like…it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like mine. It feels old. And stagnant. I need a change.

I know, I know. I just did a big scary change. I left my job at the FB Library without a safety net. I left that one for my own sanity. Luckily, I landed at the Da. Library and couldn’t be happier.

But on a soul level, I’m exhausted.

Tomorrow is the first in-person Coven ritual we’ll have since February of last year. And while I should be excited about it…I’m very much “meh”. I’m questioning my Coven membership, which I typically do about this time within a group.

I am not Wiccan. Honestly, I would classify myself closer to a Traditional Witch than Wiccan. I have almost zero connection to any of the sabbats (which, anyone reading me for any length of time knows, because I wax poetically on that subject ad nauseam time and time again). And I have zero desire to do ritual/spell work for the sake of doing so just because it’s “time” to do so. If I have no need for it, why should I do it?

I also no longer work with the gods/spirits the same way either. I’m not one to make daily offerings or daily prayers. Hell, most of the time, I don’t even invoke them in my work. The bulk of my spell work is 100% me and whatever ingredients I’m working with. At this point, the Harpies are the only ones I invoke with any sort of regularity, for safety from the storms. Honestly, if I hadn’t been in the presence of gods and spirits personally, I would probably be non-theistic at this point.

All of this past year, I’ve been delving more into Satanism – more of elevating myself, honoring myself, taking care of myself, as I should be. I deserve to put myself first. I’m tired of putting myself last. I’m tired of treating myself as an after thought. And the fact that I label myself Satanic makes a number of my Coven-mates nervous. ::shrugs:: But I’m tired of making myself small to fit in other people’s boxes.

I guess, all of this to say…I’m pretty sure I’ll be parting ways with the Coven. It’s just this parting is harder than the others I’ve left, because I genuinely like my Coven-mates. In the past, the Covens I’ve been a member of, were easy enough to leave because they either fell utterly apart or I moved away physically.

But this one? This one....I just…I out grew.