The Sacred

written July 18th

I miss my copy of Animal Speak by Ted Andrews.  With my passion for totems, it was hands down, THE BEST resource book on totems.  Granted, it did leave quite a bit to be desired when dealing with non-mammal totems, but it was a great place to start researching the totem qualities of a particular animal.

My copy of the book, that I’d had for close to two decades, I accidentally gave to Hazel.  She was inquiring into the totem qualities of crows.  I brought the book over and had intended to tell her to keep it to look through – to BORROW, but that I would get the book back.  But instead, my mouth pops off and tells her to KEEP it.  And the look of utterly pure joy on her face kept me from correcting myself at the time.  ::laughs::  Oh well.  Guess this will just give me an excuse to purchase a new copy.  The original one I had was getting rather ragged and beat up from all the use I got out of it.

So I told you that story, so I could tell you this story.

I started my MoonTime today – a full FIVE days early.  And I am really struggling to find the sacred in it these days.  Used to, I had this personal ceremony of sorts that I would follow for each and every MoonTime.  I would shower, use a special scented sugar scrub (from Bath & Body Works).  I would part my hair down the middle and braid the two sides.  I wouldn’t speak a single word aloud that first day until I had smudged myself down with sage and spoke my prayers.  I truly believed this was an extremely sacred time – a time for me to dream and Vision, and pray for the best for my little Tribe.  And each MoonTime, I would be sent a totem animal that would guide me until the next MoonTime.  I used to keep a special journal just for my MoonTime thoughts, ceremonies, dreams, and totems.  I would write down my notes on the totem qualities.  And I would end the entry with a prayer-poem to that totem.  But then…I just stopped.

Honestly, I lost bits and pieces along the way.  I tried new things that slowly displaced the old things.  And then I slowly stopped doing the new things, until I was no longer viewing my MoonTime as holy, as sacred.  Instead, I cursed it, hated it, loathed it.  I have even contemplated asking my gynecologist about removing my uterus.  With my tubes being tied, it’s not like I am really ever going to be using it, so why not look into having it removed?  See how far I’ve gone away from seeing the sacred in it?  

I need to return to the ways in which I originally honored my MoonTime.  And maybe by properly honoring it once more, all the negative “side effects” – hello PMS and Cramps of DOOM – will lessen.  And it would certainly force me to get back to working with the totems once more.