No Promises

I think I understand now why I am having such a writer's block when it comes to writing this stupid personal essay for my Grad School application about my hopes and goals and dreams for the future.

The bottom line is that the future is not promised.  It is not guaranteed.  I have made so many plans and had so many dreams that have done nothing but fizzle out, shrivel up, and die on the vine, never to come to fruition.

The honest fact here is that I am bipolar.  The future is hazy for stable individuals at best.  But toss in a serious mood disorder like bipolar depression, and you can pretty much forget on betting on ANYTHING.

When I am depressed, I do have suicidal idealization.  Though, to be honest, it is extremely fleeting and my desire to engage in self-injurious, non-suicidal behavior is actually more of a threat than suicide.

And on the flipside, when I am manic, I am in even more danger.  Not that I am actually suicidal during a manic episode.  Only that I am FAR more likely to engage in very questionable behavior that could honestly get myself killed.  Damn invincibility mindset that comes with my mania.

And even taking my craziness out of the equation, I am a serious realist.  I know that life is never guaranteed and there are a thousand and one ways I skirt death every single day -- most that I am rather blissfully unaware of.

And, most of my dreams don't have a set end-date.  I have a ton of things I want to accomplish before I die, but other than that?  I don't have a set end goal. 

Except for the trip to Churchill, Manitoba, to photograph polar bears in the wild.  THAT I will do by my 40th birthday.  That is pretty much the only hard promise I have dared to make to myself.

My life is vastly different from what I had pictured in my head at age 15, 20, hell, even 25.  And yet, it is so much better than I could have hoped and dreamt for.  I am so glad I did not marry any of my previous love interests, because I would not have David in my life.  And honestly, there is no one better suited for me than him.

I am very much a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type of person.  I like to have a vague game plan, but have a lot of wiggle room for changes to come along -- as long as they are on my terms.  ::laughs::

Such an interesting dichotomy.