Ego

written: Oct 5th

Manic Mondays.

Geez, I cannot wait to quit Starbucks.  If I had a dollar for every time I said that or thought that, I would have been able to retire within the first month of working there!  I m just tired of the constantly being understaffed and not having the proper supplies to do the damn job correctly.  It's like being told that you need to bail the water out of this sinking ship, but not being given a bucket to do so.  ::shakes her head::  Basically, I feel like I'm scrambling all over the place, trying to do my best to help out, to have pretty much not accomplished a DAMN thing of worth for the entire four hours I have been there.  And that just sucks.  And it's not even like I'm being paid well for the insanity either. 

Then I had to be at work 15 minutes earlier than usual, as I had a meeting with the principal to go over the various emergency procedures.  And I adore our principal, but still, it was a stressor on my plate, but I am glad to have finally cleared that off.  Now, I just need to do a few drills with the staff and students and we are all good.

THEN, come to find out, one of my aides has been struggling with severe depression and anxiety for a while, so she's been out a few days already.  Only, I get the email today from my after school boss to let me know that said Aide has now been committed.  She will most likely be out for the rest of the month, if not longer.  I don't want to talk about the old fears that all stirred up in me (as I don't really want to face those right now).  Instead, I will admit the selfish side of me was just relived that it wasn't me that was being committed.  And then, that selfish spun around and pointed out to myself how much this is going to "inconvenience" me and my after school program.  ::sighs:: 

I'm not exactly sure how or when my ego grew to such astronomical proportions, but damn, it's friggin' HUGE and arrogant and oh-so-entitled-American now.  There's a huge lesson there for me, but I'm dealing with it in my typical fashion -- namely, sticking my head in the sand and pretending it doesn't exist.  Even though, I KNOW this simply means it will come back and knock me flat on my ass to force me to deal with it.  But until that point?  Avoid, avoid, AVOID.

I seriously want to build a small cabin out on Mom's land.  I just want to disappear for a while and get my head back on straight.