Eye on the Prize

One thing this whole applying for Grad School has taught me has how badly I have let my education go.

I have seriously stopped striving beyond the shallow end of thinking and experiencing the world.  I barely do anything that challenges my personal status quo.  I have basically allowed myself to become intellectually challenged.  I have TAUGHT myself to have ADHD.

My attention span is crap because there are just so many "fascinating" junk food items on the internet.  I am constantly jumping from one thing to the next.  Barely sampling anything.  I sample and then I flutter on to the next thing, like a friggin' butterfly.

Nothing against butterflies.  They certainly have their purpose in life and life would not exist in the manner that it does without them and their service.

But I used to be more like a Vulture.  I would land down on this huge carcass and just eat and eat and eat until I was so stuffed full of NEW IDEAS and INFORMATION, I couldn't get my fat ass off the ground.  I would have to hobble around and actually DIGEST the information before I could soar on to the next meal.

The easy answer to why I am like this is that I am easily "bored"....but that is a butterfly answer....a shallow one.  I simply no longer have any reason to put in the time and effort to devour a full academic paper....a good book.  I remember passing entire weekends simply reading a book, start to end.  What the hell happened to that person?

I use to journal so regularly.  I used to have such an extensive vocabulary and was pretty damn decent at spelling.  All of that has just wasted away.

And not to blame it on working with children or even in the child care field.  I, MYSELF, have chosen not to make it such a priority.  With Google at our fingertips, I don't have to learn how to spell the word.  I just have to get close enough that Google can figure out what the hell I mean.

Well, I know what one of the birthday goals that I make every year, will be this time around.  I will do the One-Page-A-Day journaling once more.  It's not so much that I have this burning desire to document every-little-thing that happens in my life...it's the exercise in discipline, writing, spelling, and THINKING that my lil brain so desperately requires.

And again, I know I need to limit my time on the internet as well.  I guess I will need to purchase a timer and set time limits on myself.  I also really need to do a deep cleaning of the dreaded Art Territory (that honestly, is more like a Hoarding Territory currently), and get that back on track as well.

I have so many ideas and projects I want to tackle but can't "find" the time to accomplish them.  While working two jobs currently does significantly cut into my free time, I do still have plenty of time to accomplish whatever my lil heart desires.  It's just a matter of MAKING the time occur and not wasting it on wildly entertaining, yet unfulfilling internet junk food.  I know I will not be laying on my death bed saying "I wish I had shared that one hilarious cat video".  Instead, I will be saying "I should have spent more time with the wolves.  I should have done more photography.  I should have danced in the rain and caught snails and played with my nephew more.  I should have been more present in the awesomeness that is MY life."

THAT is what is important.  And that is what I keep losing sight of.