Burning of the Dead

written: Oct 11th

 

I am taking a break from the whole Personal Statement and Resume writing that I have been doing BATTLE with for the past few days.  Who knew how utter wrung out I would feel at the end of this battle?  ::shakes her head::  But I AM making headway.  I AM winning.  So I have just got to soldier on.

But it has been interesting to see how much my Shadow Self has come out to play in all of this.  The Shadow Self is that vicious little voice that, while it possesses a nugget of true, LOVES to blow everything out of proportion.

So these past few days have been an exercise for me.

For one, I am completely out of "writing" shape when it comes to writing anything beyond witty journal entries and the occasional divinely-inspired poetry.  But, like any muscle, it's just atrophied from lack of use.  And while the Shadow Self claims it is gone forever, I know that with some work, eventually the stiffness and soreness will wear away.

And secondly, it's been an exercise in dealing properly with the Shadow Self.  Going head to head, I will always lose to the Shadow Self, because, honestly?  I'm just fighting myself.  Instead, I look for the nugget of truth behind Its fear-mongering and come up with a plan to tackle THAT.  I honor my Shadow Self for speaking up about the fears, but that doesn't mean I have to buy into all the fear-mongering that It oh-so-enjoys.  ::laughs::  Yet, as long as It feels heard, then It tends to quiet back down.

I am ready for the weather to cool off enough to justify a fire.  The Shadow Self loves a good fire, and the burning of things that I no longer want nor need.  I love to write those down on a scrap of paper, whisper to the Gods that I don't need that shit any more, and then to watch it burn in flame.  Truly metamorphic. 

And if what my inner SheWolf is scenting on the wind....a lot of change is coming for me.  A lot of the clearing out the dead and overgrown fields of life.  A burning of the old ghosts.  All to make way for a new planting in my 34th year of life.

Perfect, given that Samhain is soon upon us, when the Spirits may walk freely upon the earth.  I desire more jack-o-lanterns, and with my new found passion (ok, OBSESSION more like it) with genealogy, I have a better understanding of my ancestors and where they hailed from.  It would take me way too long to call upon every ancestor I've found thus far, but I would like to at least nod my head to each of them and at least acknowledge that they had a hand in creating who and what I am today.